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Life AFTER Infidelity


Conqueror

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Hello everyone. After a year of not posting here, I decided to come back. When I first came here, I was a mess and not even a year out of my affair with a married man. I am married as well. I was in love with this man and thought we would end up together. Here is one of my first posts. You can also read the other posts as well and see what a mess I was. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/564385-how-do-i-get-over-my-affair-partner-i-love-him

 

I will say that one of the things that made it difficult to get over AP in the beginning was not being honest with myself. I had been honest with my husband and told him everything. But there were things I needed to be honest with myself about. Once I was able to do this, I was able to fully focus on our marriage and our beautiful children.

 

I believe my husband and I are in a great place now, but it took a lot of work and dedication for us to get to this point. I am very happy that we put in the work, because we are now able to reap the awesome benefits. I still feel guilty about what I have done to him at times. I still think of AP from time to time, but I do not pine for him like I did before. I remember there was even a time when I hope that AP and I could be together "some day." I no longer feel that way. I believe that if we both were single, I don't even think I would want to be with him even then. There IS LIFE after an affair. For those of you who are losing hope of getting your marriage back on track, DON'T!! Just work for it, but you BOTH have to be willing. You have a long road ahead of you, but if you both want it badly enough, you will discover that there are wonderful blessings just around the corner that are waiting for you.

 

Today, we are pregnant with our 4th child and closing on a new house tomorrow. Most importantly, because our marriage is stronger, we have a stronger family unit. Our children are very successful in their endeavors and they are very happy. To be honest, when the A was going on a couple of years ago, they were affected by it, even though they did not know what was going on.

 

Stay strong and love hard!

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I apologize in advance for any typos. I think my mind was racing faster than my hands could type.

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It seems to be great!

 

But i must say that the cheater side testimony of "We are happy and in a great place now", is not the full view of what's going on. For that we need to listen to the side who was cheated on.

 

I've heard some stories of "were are in a great place now", which turned out to be far from that, after asking the other side.

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Jersey born raised

Hi

 

This thread really belongs to in the reconcilation forum but could be of real value to BS by sharing how you and your husband healed your marriage. What pitfalls to watch out for and perhaps when a BS should just divorce.

 

I wanted to PM this request to review this thread and comment on the thread itself. Helping others often helps us more.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/595854-now-what-my-story-7-years-long-update-3-weeks-no-contact

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How is your H dealing with his pain from your A?

 

Have you given him the entire truth? a timeline of the A, std tests, etc?

 

will he want to get a DNA test on the new baby?

 

Hope you are doing all you can to help him heal from your A

 

hopefully you did not do things with the AP that you did not do with your H.

 

did you stop working with the POSOM? and have no contact at all with him? If your H had an A, you would want him to have no contact with the AP.

Edited by harrybrown
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I sure hope you've figured out what was wrong with you in the first place, and that you've fixed it. If you do it again, you've now "doubled down" on potential unhappiness by adding another child to the mix. I sure hope you can control yourself next time.

 

Understand that you've done a permanent injury to your husband's self-esteem and masculinity. While it may appear that he's fully recovered, he probably never will. Don't forget to apologize to him every so often and remind him that he's #1. Keep doing it until the day you can no longer speak.

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Some BS never want to hear that another BS actually really forgave & don't expect you to have to pay for a sin for the rest of your life. My H & I are extremely better off after the A then we were before...so don't listen to any "Debbie the downers"... happy that you & your H are doing better....some people will never understand (just bc they can't) that a some people can truly forgive & 100% get over A...hopefully you & your H are a some of those that can.

 

Congratulations on your new baby & home!

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HeCantBreakMe
Hello everyone. After a year of not posting here, I decided to come back. When I first came here, I was a mess and not even a year out of my affair with a married man. I am married as well. I was in love with this man and thought we would end up together. Here is one of my first posts. You can also read the other posts as well and see what a mess I was. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/564385-how-do-i-get-over-my-affair-partner-i-love-him

 

I will say that one of the things that made it difficult to get over AP in the beginning was not being honest with myself. I had been honest with my husband and told him everything. But there were things I needed to be honest with myself about. Once I was able to do this, I was able to fully focus on our marriage and our beautiful children.

 

I believe my husband and I are in a great place now, but it took a lot of work and dedication for us to get to this point. I am very happy that we put in the work, because we are now able to reap the awesome benefits. I still feel guilty about what I have done to him at times. I still think of AP from time to time, but I do not pine for him like I did before. I remember there was even a time when I hope that AP and I could be together "some day." I no longer feel that way. I believe that if we both were single, I don't even think I would want to be with him even then. There IS LIFE after an affair. For those of you who are losing hope of getting your marriage back on track, DON'T!! Just work for it, but you BOTH have to be willing. You have a long road ahead of you, but if you both want it badly enough, you will discover that there are wonderful blessings just around the corner that are waiting for you.

 

Today, we are pregnant with our 4th child and closing on a new house tomorrow. Most importantly, because our marriage is stronger, we have a stronger family unit. Our children are very successful in their endeavors and they are very happy. To be honest, when the A was going on a couple of years ago, they were affected by it, even though they did not know what was going on.

 

Stay strong and love hard!

 

Awesome awesome awesome post! Love this and thank you for sharing.

 

I am so happy you have been able to move forward. I have to agree full honesty with husband by admitting the affair and then the second change is internally. So much work but it appears to be worth it.

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MidnightBlue1980
Hello everyone. After a year of not posting here, I decided to come back. When I first came here, I was a mess and not even a year out of my affair with a married man. I am married as well. I was in love with this man and thought we would end up together. Here is one of my first posts. You can also read the other posts as well and see what a mess I was. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/564385-how-do-i-get-over-my-affair-partner-i-love-him

 

I will say that one of the things that made it difficult to get over AP in the beginning was not being honest with myself. I had been honest with my husband and told him everything. But there were things I needed to be honest with myself about. Once I was able to do this, I was able to fully focus on our marriage and our beautiful children.

 

I believe my husband and I are in a great place now, but it took a lot of work and dedication for us to get to this point. I am very happy that we put in the work, because we are now able to reap the awesome benefits. I still feel guilty about what I have done to him at times. I still think of AP from time to time, but I do not pine for him like I did before. I remember there was even a time when I hope that AP and I could be together "some day." I no longer feel that way. I believe that if we both were single, I don't even think I would want to be with him even then. There IS LIFE after an affair. For those of you who are losing hope of getting your marriage back on track, DON'T!! Just work for it, but you BOTH have to be willing. You have a long road ahead of you, but if you both want it badly enough, you will discover that there are wonderful blessings just around the corner that are waiting for you.

 

Today, we are pregnant with our 4th child and closing on a new house tomorrow. Most importantly, because our marriage is stronger, we have a stronger family unit. Our children are very successful in their endeavors and they are very happy. To be honest, when the A was going on a couple of years ago, they were affected by it, even though they did not know what was going on.

 

Stay strong and love hard!

 

I remember your story, that is great. Congrats.

 

I will say my A ended the same time yours did. Everything moved a lot slower on my end in terms of my marriage healing but we are in a much better place than a year ago. I can't lie though, I don't have all those rosy sunshine feelings you do, maybe it will take me more time. It has nothing to do with my husband or my marriage, I'm just not the same person I was before. It's not just in my head, my friends have said I am different.

 

My H and still talk a lot about it and I would not say it's all better yet. Our whole view of marriage and commitment have changed entirely. I didn't have any magical eurika moment in my life. An affair is like a cancer and the recovery is like the chemo. When you are done, you're just not the same as you were before. You are happy to be alive but you have lost that innocence of what life is like before the cancer. On the positive side, you appreciate every day because you never know when it could be your last.

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This is turning into one of those "you go girl" threads where all the women pass on the feel-good vibes to their sister, and everything's unicorn happyland.

 

If you want to understand how your husband feels about the reconciliation, you'd do well to listen to the men in here. He might not share all your positive feelings.

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If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Not all men are unhappy in reconciliation. And even if they struggle, they're THERE and that is something positive in itself

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Some BS never want to hear that another BS actually really forgave & don't expect you to have to pay for a sin for the rest of your life. My H & I are extremely better off after the A then we were before...so don't listen to any "Debbie the downers"... happy that you & your H are doing better....some people will never understand (just bc they can't) that a some people can truly forgive & 100% get over A...hopefully you & your H are a some of those that can.

 

Congratulations on your new baby & home!

 

Says a fWW

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I sure hope you've figured out what was wrong with you in the first place, and that you've fixed it. If you do it again, you've now "doubled down" on potential unhappiness by adding another child to the mix. I sure hope you can control yourself next time.

 

Understand that you've done a permanent injury to your husband's self-esteem and masculinity. While it may appear that he's fully recovered, he probably never will. Don't forget to apologize to him every so often and remind him that he's #1. Keep doing it until the day you can no longer speak.

 

I completely understand what you are saying Will, which is why I make sure that I keep an open line of communication with him. From time to time we do talk about the A and how he is feeling, though he doesn't really like to talk about it. I do apologize from time to time but he doesn't like me doing that either, as he has already forgiven me and we have both decided to put the past behind us. I know that he thinks about it from time to time and he even told me that there are things that he still struggles with. But he doesn't torture me with it. He is all about focusing on the future.

 

As for me, this is not something that I will EVER do again. After seeing all of the hurt and pain I caused my husband, I couldn't bare to put him through that again. Also, even though my children didn't understand exactly what was going on, they knew that something was up and they too were affected. The price that one pays for having an affair is just too high. It may feel good in the moment, but the aftermath is pure hell. I've been through hell and back. My husband and I both received counseling together and individually. We focused on WHY the affair took place in the first place. Then I started to work on myself. He also noticed that there were things he needed to work on and did the work. It took a long time, but it was worth it.

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Some BS never want to hear that another BS actually really forgave & don't expect you to have to pay for a sin for the rest of your life. My H & I are extremely better off after the A then we were before...so don't listen to any "Debbie the downers"... happy that you & your H are doing better....some people will never understand (just bc they can't) that a some people can truly forgive & 100% get over A...hopefully you & your H are a some of those that can.

 

Congratulations on your new baby & home!

 

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. The affair definitely changed us, but I believe we became better people as a result. Honestly, the new baby wasn't planned as we were done and happy with the children we had. But after a trip to the Caribbean, well....:)

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How is your H dealing with his pain from your A?

 

Have you given him the entire truth? a timeline of the A, std tests, etc?

 

will he want to get a DNA test on the new baby?

 

Hope you are doing all you can to help him heal from your A

 

hopefully you did not do things with the AP that you did not do with your H.

 

did you stop working with the POSOM? and have no contact at all with him? If your H had an A, you would want him to have no contact with the AP.

 

 

Today, my husband is MUCH better. In fact, he would prefer that we not talk about the A, but we do talk about it sometimes. He is open and honest with me about how he feels. He says that his trust in me has been restored and he wants to focus on the future. He also said that he is bothered by it at times even today, but he doesn't dwell on it. Dwelling on it would cause him to take a step backwards when we are trying to move forward.

 

The A took place in 2015. In the aftermath, I told my husband EVERYTHING! And when I mean everything, I mean EVERYTHING! He asked A LOT of questions. He wanted details. There were things I didn't even want to tell him, but I knew that I had to answer all of his questions COMPLETELY without holding anything back in order for him to trust me again. I just came out and told him everything. Besides, he knows me so well that if I did try to hold back, he would know.

 

Yes I did take STD tests and a pregnancy test after the A was over. Thankfully, all tests came back negative.

 

Absolutely NO chance of this baby belonging to the AP. That relationship is over. DEAD. He and I have been NC for almost 2 years. Actually, May would make 2 years of no contact. I no longer work on his team, so I do not see him often at all. In 2016, I only saw him twice and this was at business meetings. At one of the meetings, I brought my husband with me, so AP said absolutely nothing to me. The second time, I was alone, so AP did say, "Hi, how are you?" I simply gave a little smile and nodded, but said nothing and continued on my way.

 

 

My husband is number 1 in my life (besides the Most High). He knows this. I make sure I show him every single day. He could have left me. In fact, he almost did and I would have deserved it. In fact, I was going a little crazy at the time. I started telling myself that I did not deserve my husband and that I did not deserve my children. I started to believe that I was a horrible wife and mother. My husband is a good looking man and a hard worker, so I knew that he would find someone else in a heartbeat. I even started doing online searches on how to vanish without a trace, because I believed they would be better off without me. My husband caught me while I was reading info on how to disappear without a trace and said, "what the HELL are you doing?" Long story short, we had to get counseling about that too. I know I caused him a lot of pain, and so I guess I tried to punish myself also.

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Thank you for this.

 

When you say "be honest with myself". Can you elaborate? What did you have to be honest with yourself about?

 

Once the A was over, I wanted to be "over" the entire situation quickly. I started telling myself that the affair was "just some little A" and that AP meant nothing to me, when at the time he did. I tried to think every negative thing I could possibly think about him. The most I tried to rush being over the A, the more I hurt, if that made any sense. I had to be honest about myself acknowledge that I did have feelings for him, but what we were doing was wrong. And just taking responsibility for my role in the situation and knowing that we were BOTH responsible. I had to acknowledge the pain I caused my husband. I had to be honest with myself with quite a few things, but the moment I was able to truly do that, I was able to truly heal.

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It seems to be great!

 

But i must say that the cheater side testimony of "We are happy and in a great place now", is not the full view of what's going on. For that we need to listen to the side who was cheated on.

 

I've heard some stories of "were are in a great place now", which turned out to be far from that, after asking the other side.

 

 

Understood! Trust me, it did not happen overnight. It took a lot of work on both of our parts. When I admitted the A to my husband and told him everything, he told me that he wanted to FIGHT for our marriage and that if I was willing, he was willing. There was a lot of pain and tears. A lot of counseling, a lot of fears. There was a time I even thought that we would NEVER be a good place. I thought the pain would last forever. But we both focused on our marriage. We threw ALL of our energy into repairing what was damaged. We focused on each other and our children. We started courting again, something we had not done in a long time, because we focused 100% on the children to the point we forgot about one another. At first, it felt as if we were just going through the motions and faking it til we made it. But then we started having fun together again. Truthfully, we had forgotten about how much fun we could have together. We were able to fall in love with each other all over again. Never again will we take each other for granted.

 

I will not say that I am completely "over" the affair. In fact, I am not sure if one can truly get over something like that. But in time, you heal, and you hurt less. The affair changed us both, but it changed us for the better. I do not want us to be who we were prior to the affair, because we did not communicate our thoughts and feelings to one another. I believe that is what partially what lead to the A in the first place.

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This is turning into one of those "you go girl" threads where all the women pass on the feel-good vibes to their sister, and everything's unicorn happyland.

 

If you want to understand how your husband feels about the reconciliation, you'd do well to listen to the men in here. He might not share all your positive feelings.

 

I listen to my H & my H doesn't agree with what you say at all. He's not ruined & or damages forever, he's forgiven me & we're over it. So she's listening to her H, as she should be. Also most men don't re impregnate & but a brand new house with someone they haven't forgiven. Not everyone stays insecure or pessimistic the rest of their life bc of an A.

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Says a fWW

 

Lol, no....says a happy, content married woman...that just got back from a girls trip my H said yes to (& even encouraged) me to go on so he could spend quality time with the kids alone & wanted me to have a break.

 

Some people may not have forgiven themselves or their WS, they will forever pessimistic & insecure but not everyone is like that & I "choose" actually we "choose" not to love & or live that way...one has the "choice" whether or not to & sit at home with negative thoughts & insecurity...i would never choose that. Why bother even staying married? Watches it my whole life & its really the most unhealthy way to live...& a BS can't blame a WS forever on their inability to get over it. A BD can't get over it they need to leave...can't blame a WS bc chose not to leave.

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Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. The affair definitely changed us, but I believe we became better people as a result. Honestly, the new baby wasn't planned as we were done and happy with the children we had. But after a trip to the Caribbean, well....:)

 

 

Not against having kids.

Not against recovering a marriage after an affair.

I am against getting pregnant 3 months after D day.

 

 

It takes two to five years to recover from an affair. Recovery for many

does not even start at three months out from D day. Then to ignore

that many BS's a year or two or even three years from D day say they

tried but they can't recover from the infidelity and file for a divorce.

 

 

It is not wise to build a house on sand instead of a foundation. It is not

wise to become pregnant when trying to rebuild a marriage after an

affair before the recovery foundation is in place.

 

 

Glad you and your BH have stayed together and hope things continue

to go well.

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Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. The affair definitely changed us, but I believe we became better people as a result. Honestly, the new baby wasn't planned as we were done and happy with the children we had. But after a trip to the Caribbean, well....:)

 

I don't know how long out you are (we're 9 years) but we have stuck to the same mind frame as we when we both decided we wanted to keep our marriage & truly make it better...i got pregnant by surprise also, turned out to be exactly what we needed, gave us even more joy after all the crap. Of course I wouldn't do the same things if I could go back but if I had the chance to erase it, I wouldn't either (if that makes sense) bc of all we learned & I don't believe we'd be where we are without hitting the bottom.

 

There's nothing wrong with moving on healthy from an A...I think it's important for newer WS & BS to know that they don't have to choose to live a life despair & distrust forever bc of an A...that some people can actually move on & find happiness again with each other, without letting an A define the rest of their life (:)

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Jersey born raised

Agreed WhoKnew30 in general but not in the specifics.

 

Perhaps you won the 800 million lotto but few of us do.

 

Conquer and whonew30, tiggers how have you dealt with them? Have you and your spouse set boundaries, if so what are they?

 

Conquer, thank you for your last couple of posts. They begin to answer my questions about what you experienced after DDay please continue to do so. Also more derail on how your fought though it?

 

Be Well

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