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The Battle Within


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th January 2017, 8:12 AM   #1
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The Battle Within

Happy New Year--been a week or two since I have been on. I am 2.5 months post finding out of my husbands affair. I wanted to ask if there are others who have had such a hard time dealing in recovery that they started having anxiety or ptsd. I think I am going through this now. I thought I was doing better, my husband has been working with me, but triggers have been hitting me harder than normal this week. I am noticing thoughts accompanied by heart races, continuously, things have been coming to my mind that I didnt notice before making me very angry....even when i feel like we are doing ok.....yesterday I spent two hours crying in my closet...i feel very depressed. just typing this out has somewhat lifted my spirit. why are these triggers flooding my mind so hard. is this a normal process?
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Old 11th January 2017, 8:23 AM   #2
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PTSD is very a natural result. Unfortunately you can't go through this on your own. Get into therapy asap.
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Old 11th January 2017, 8:40 AM   #3
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I'm feeling exactly the same, I do think trauma hits you in different ways, I've been so strong over the last few months but now feel I'm falling apart with the 'grief' of it all.


Stay strong, it sounds like you are both trying to head to a better place?
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Old 11th January 2017, 9:01 AM   #4
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Yes we are trying to make it through this, we still want to be together...he is showing that he is trying---the feelings are still there though--constantly feeling like I am "on the lookout" or any little thing that looks suspicious.....certain activities that I do as simple as working out ---the thoughts come to my mind..hard....her asking me for workout advice, us working out together, while behind my back she was having an affair with my husband. it just becomes hard to breathe when they all hit.
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Old 11th January 2017, 9:17 AM   #5
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Deeplyhurt30,

Time will help, the triggers will get less, and there will be a point the you will think of what happen and not feel bad, just remember. The whole forgiving, but never being able to forget. Best thing is to talk it out, and just power through it. Do not let this rule your life, you can be in control.

To this day there are songs, that when I hear, I remember. Also, she cheated on a holiday, so there is a under currant of crap that I have to remember, while having fun. I just choose to not let the memories get in the way. BTW, I know your husband went trough this himself and should be understanding. I know talking to devil somewhat, but if reconciliation is going forward, he may have some insights on how to cope. He probably has triggers himself, and maybe able to talk about how he deals with them. IC, may help, but I found the cost to be high, if you can afford it, give that a try. I think sometime, IC can make things last longer. Just my opinion.

Lastly, church, if you believe, can be most helpful.

I wish you luck
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Old 11th January 2017, 10:21 AM   #6
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Please know it's normal. They're waves you must ride. I agree that therapy is so helpful in smoothing out the rough edges. Time will heal this but only if you deal head-on. I'm 2+ years out. I'm not taken out at the knees anymore, and the crying on the shower floor is in the past.

See someone. Do not stuff it down. And this is normal. You are suffering and it's real.
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Old 11th January 2017, 10:39 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deeplyhurt30 View Post
Happy New Year--been a week or two since I have been on. I am 2.5 months post finding out of my husbands affair. I wanted to ask if there are others who have had such a hard time dealing in recovery that they started having anxiety or ptsd. I think I am going through this now. I thought I was doing better, my husband has been working with me, but triggers have been hitting me harder than normal this week. I am noticing thoughts accompanied by heart races, continuously, things have been coming to my mind that I didnt notice before making me very angry....even when i feel like we are doing ok.....yesterday I spent two hours crying in my closet...i feel very depressed. just typing this out has somewhat lifted my spirit. why are these triggers flooding my mind so hard. is this a normal process?
I know this sounds bad but it is true and may help you. You should really tell your husband that you are not sure you can stay together. You cannot un-ring a bell and this happened and will forever change your legacy with your husband. You definitely have ptsd. Make him sweat. Forget the 'I'm sorry's'. You need to be in a relationship where infidelity is not the poison that drives you. He deserves to hurt and understand what he potentially may lose. Maybe keep the door open for a crack but maybe explain that in divorcing him you get his money and the chance to give yourself to someone who won't hurt you and will cherish you. That the #1 person in the world who was supposed to love and protect you betrayed you and you want the chance to be with someone who would never betray you. By all means make him hurt.
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Old 11th January 2017, 10:55 AM   #8
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Remember that each day in reconciliation...is a battle toward winning the war. We take two steps ahead and one step back. But eventually we get somewhere.

Even if down this path...you decide that you can no longer fight...you will know that you have given your best effort.

Pain lasts a lifetime...and triggers are little reminders of the pain....little memories. They will always happen....and we cannot control that...but we can control our reaction to them.

For many years....my husband would become overwhelmed by triggers....he would go into deep depression. As the years have gone by....as he has come to see my remorse that i understand the pain i have caused him....the triggers have grown less frequent....and less intense...but I want you to know...they still happen....and they happen for me as well.

One of the things I would encourage you to do...is tell him when they happen. For one thing....it always helps to be held in his arms and to be told and to be reassured.

this not only makes you feel better but it will make him feel better as well. A wayward who truly wants to help his betrayed heal....embraces the opportunities to comfort and to understand. If you don't share with him the bad things...how can he confront them and help you deal with them?

Hold your head up....allow yourself time to heal....one step at a time...one day at a time love.....it will get better. I promise.....
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Old 11th January 2017, 11:28 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Deeplyhurt30 View Post
my husband has been working with me
Working with you to deal with this or expecting you to get over it?

There's a great pinned thread at the top of the Infidelity forum titled "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know". It can help you in two ways, both enabling him to understand some of what you're going through and guiding you in determining if he's really doing the work necessary.

You might consider printing out parts of it for reference...

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Old 11th January 2017, 11:44 AM   #10
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Anger

It sounds like you are suppressing your anger bc your WS is trying to be helpful.

How could you not be angry? Even though he is doing the right thing now, that does not absolve him from causing this huge life altering problem for you. You should be furious! Regardless of what he is doing now.

It is understandable that you are not. You are still in shock, numb. More worried about how to salvage the relationship than anything else. Eventually this will pass and you will feel the anger. The sooner the better. It is a necessary stage. Don't try to suppress it. Welcome it.

That is not to say get vindictive, get revenge. No, just feel the anger. Let it come. Listen to it. It will teach you valuable things. Things that will protect you in the future.
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Old 11th January 2017, 12:23 PM   #11
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DH, you are so early in the process. What you are going through is normal. I do encourage you to seek counseling for yourself.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:06 PM   #12
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It's been going on 2 years for us and I would say we are doing as well as we possible could. The other night we were watching a show and there was an infidelity theme and my pulse shot up (I wear a FitBit so I could see precisely how much) and stayed up for over an hour. Ugh. It's a real thing. Are you in counseling? You need strategies for how to cope when this happens. My WH said, "How can we help you with this PTSD?" and I just said to be sympathetic and let me know I'm not crazy or judged for reacting that way, and he said OK.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:15 PM   #13
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Four years out from DD1, a little over two years of both of us working on reconciliation. Triggers still come, they no longer reduce me to tears. What has helped me most is working on my relationship with God, and my own prayer life.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:38 PM   #14
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It's been going on 2 years for us and I would say we are doing as well as we possible could.....
My WH said, "How can we help you with this PTSD?" and I just said to be sympathetic and let me know I'm not crazy or judged for reacting that way, and he said OK.

We are also about 2 years from when it started but more like 15-18 months since I finally learnt the truth. I spent the first year crying, at some point, every single day. Now I'm back hom in my country with my family it's a lot less but still frequent. I still have many panic attacks despite being on medication & my H being a lot kinder & loving.

I fear that it's going to be a much longer journey for me because I can't see my H reacting like yours. He does not hold me & reassure me when it happens. We very, very rarely say anything about it. When I raise the subject I do feel crazy AND judged.

Trying to discuss it....which I confess is motivated by me wanting & needing warmth & reassurances....always makes me feel more lost & depressed.

Its a great start if your H is doing everything that he can to help you heal. I still think it takes time & a lot of compassion & empathy to get anywhere near healed from such a traumatic experience.

Will the WS ever truly understand our pain? I like to think it is possible. I think Mrs Adams honestly does.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:39 PM   #15
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For me, the early days were really just damage control for me. I wasn't remotely prepared for what I discovered. I also wasn't ready to lose my family, my wife, my kids, and everything I'd invested in for 18 years. I was also caught up in hypervigilance, trying to really determine how deep the rabbit hole went. While I had grief and anger, I was mostly distracted and trying to figure out what to do and how to keep some semblance of my life together.

It wasn't until several months post Dday that my emotional response really started kicking in. It became clear that my wife wasn't leaving, that we were reconciling. In short, I started to feel safe. When the initial damage control phase ended, I remember just starting to think, "You know, I don't much appreciate that this has happened." I started to get pissed off, for real. I had lost a ton of weight, more sleep than you could calculate, and I certainly had PTSD. And it made me angry. My anger got worse over time, rather than better.

I also think my grief ratcheted up. At first I was naive enough to think that I could just decide to forgive and that within a few weeks or months we'd be back to normal (assuming that she was remorseful and all that). But I began to realize that this really was going to take years and that, in reality, I would likely never be the same. That marriage I had invested in for so many years was really just gone and I would be forever changed.

Unfortunately, shock and panic mode wears off and morphs into something else that's different but equally painful.

The good news is that, while the stages of grief do last longer than we'd like, you do eventually reach a place of acceptance. That helps alot.
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