My Husband had an Emotional Affair and the OW Won't Stop Contacting Him

[danad00dle]

I am having trouble coping and understanding this situation but I need to get it out and talk to someone, anyone that can understand and offer some advice to help me, help us... Here is my story.

 

I am not guilt free before we were married and the one time in my life I have ever done so, I cheated on my soon to be husband. I was engaged at a very young age, we were strung out, and I had a cancer scare that brought me back home temporarily with my estranged mother. By then I had already moved out, emancipated and was going to college while I lived with my fiance whom I was to marry as soon as I was of age. Of course that all changed when I went back to live with my mother who was renting a house with the landlords son who resided in the back house. I will not justify what I did, I developed feelings and full blown cheated. I eventually went back to my fiance and we married a year after the ordeal and after he let out his grief in a violent, drug-induced manner in which I eventually gave him an ultimatum of either you get sober or I would no longer be with him and he did. I justified his grief and chalked it up to that but he never once asked me to do anything to make him feel better, instead I just did whatever I could think of to eventually regain his trust. I did eventually and I thought everything was fine...

 

Seven years and three kids later, it was his turn to regain the trust after he had an emotional affair with a coworker. He blamed me for it, of course, after stating on multiple occasions he did nothing wrong although he of course, developed feelings for the OW and even made plans to leave me and move in with her. He eventually confessed that they hung out all the time. See he worked a night job and would be gone all night, I would drive him and pick him up every night until he started getting rides home from what he told me was another man he worked with.

 

They "hung out" for a month in a half, the first time I ever heard of her it was from my husband who told me there was a new girl at his work who was essentially throwing herself at him and making it uncomfortable for him at work. So much so he was getting ready to quit but instead he decided to confront her. From what I could gather she gave him a sob story (that is how I see it) and made him feel badly for her (he said it in his own words he felt bad for her) and so they decided to be "friends." He told me that he wanted to hang out with her but I specifically stated I wanted to meet her first and for her to apologize to me and him for her actions since he told her he was married and she kept pushing. I obviously did not think it a good idea to befriend a woman who obviously wanted more but those were my terms and I would try to be friends as well but of course, he never introduced us, he just started hanging out with her by himself behind my back.

 

Apparently, I came to find out he told her we were separated and I was living with my mother in another state and so it began. He would come home late and tell me of course, he was working late but instead he was out with her. Taking late night strolls through our favorite park, taking long drives and going to places like the casino near our house, shopping at the 24 hour market near our house, and even a night where they snuck into a waterfall while I stayed home with the kids awaiting his return with dinner and his nightly massage all the while not knowing at all what was going on.

 

He hid it from me and I only found out after he hurt himself and could not go to work. That's when I started to notice something was up. He was getting anxious and trying to find ways to see/talk to her without me knowing but that's the thing, he couldn't and thus he was forced to tell me after she came and picked him up at 2 in the morning to "hang out." Obviously, I did not want him to go and it was the next day after I grilled him all day he finally confessed only little by little as he would not tell me the whole truth.

 

Once he finally told me what was going on, he acted like he did nothing wrong, they were just friends, and that I was being ridiculous. He shrugged it off and would ignore me while I asked for comfort and reassurance in his words. I wanted him to tell me everything but instead, he let out a trickle of truth that slowly and painfully revealed the ugly truth hidden right beneath my nose.

 

When I confronted him and told him if he could not admit he did nothing wrong that I wanted a divorce and with that he said fine. The same day he took off with her and left me in anguish and despair. I had to call him a billion times over and over and try to track him before he finally came home and he would act as indifferent than ever.

 

I would break down and cry and he would run the other way when all I wanted was him to comfort me. I asked for full disclosure and he would not provide me that mercy instead he would torture me withholding vital information that would eventually come out anyway only to reopen the wound over and over as I relived every moment of the betrayal in my mind. To top it off, I had to get crazy with him to even stop talking with her and of course, after I asked both of them to cease communication he thought it wise to "break up with her" in person. He was not clear to her with why he couldn't resume their relationship and he instead told her, "it was too hard for him," and that is why he couldn't speak to her. He went and seen her three times after the fact while I balled my eyes out at home alone.

 

He did not tell her he couldn't speak to her anymore because he was in fact married (she knew it as well) and that he loved his wife and wanted to make things work for his family (that's what he told me) but because it was too hard for him, he couldn't stop thinking about her, and he didn't know what else to do about it.

 

6 months later and she has kept trying to contact him. At first, it was more and it has become less but she still tries! She first used her best friend to call him, then changed her number, then got another phone from her friend and changed the area code to one of a place we used to live! She made fake profiles on facebook and even hacked his profile. She will not stop and even after the last few messages, I do not believe she will even though she herself is trying to make it work (supposedly) with her boyfriend and family as they have children of their own.

 

He defends her still saying these are "feeble" attempts and she "really hasn't tried that hard," but of course, I beg to differ. It hurts me every time and what's worse as I cannot say anything. The one time I sent her a message (and this was before I found out everything when I requested she and him cease all communication), he was so angry with me. The thought that HER feelings would be hurt bothered him but the fact that I was devasted didn't seem to matter because I "deserved" it with what I did before we were married.

 

I took my vows very seriously and I feel I have proved myself a devoted wife and mother but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It is killing me inside and I cannot even stand to see her name or hear it without rage welling up inside. I have since felt slightly better but every time I do it is ripped away by a new transgression on his part of him either revealing a new hidden truth or a lie about something else he has hid from me.

 

I told him I wanted him to tell me if she contacted him and this last time, he hid it from me yet again. I found out obviously but it just ripped the wound open again and I don't know if it can heal yet again because his dishonesty seems to know no bounds! He says it's because I'm always upset and if he told me I just would've been angry with him well damn right but lying and withholding information was the worst thing he could've done!

 

I don't know what to think and to me, he doesn't see that this woman knew very well what she was doing. She knew he was married and also knew I was still living with him because she added me on FB (before everything happened obviously) and also seen me personally in town! She even knew what car I drove! It feels like he thinks that because what I did was "worse" that somehow that justifies his actions. He cheated on me and he has yet to admit that even if it was emotional. He is the one who taught me about emotional cheating so he damn well knows what he did was wrong.

 

But what do I do? I don't know what to do all I know is I wanted her to stop and she won't. I feel her continued efforts are very disrespectful especially because she still makes attempts to conceal who it really is, sends encrypted and secret conversation messages, and only sends it to my husband (which every time except the time before last he has shown me when she attempted to contact him). I have wanted so badly to say something and I said months ago, if she did it again that I would say something to her spouse or to her (which is what I really wanted to) and my husband agreed but I think he was so sure it wouldn't happen again (he convinced himself she wouldn't try again) he didn't stop to think of what would happen if it did. So when it came time yet again, he all of the sudden had a problem with me saying anything. What do I do!? She will not stop and I cannot take it anymore, it has been six months and she will not stop so what do I do now?

 

I am amazed with how I reacted to the whole situation because I was actually sympathetic and understanding which surprised even me. I was delicate and even showed sympathy for her feelings even when she showed none for my own but this is just getting ridiculous. I cannot help but feel like I should say something, I need to, but I know it will just cause more problems than she has continued to do in our own relationship... I need help and some advice, what do I do!?!

[sandylee1]

I'm amazed you're still married to him after the blatant disrespect and lack of remorse he has.

 

Why are you tolerating his behaviour?

You said you wanted a divorce and he walked off. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

 

Forget the OW. In this case, your husband is the problem.

 

What's your dealbreaker?

[Lady2163]

I'm going to gloss over the drugs and a couple other things for now.

 

It sounds like there might be potential your husband led her on or is still leading her on.

 

You may try contacting her and saying, "I don't know what my husband told you or didn't tell you, I know he lied about XYZ (being separated). We are working on our marriage. We are committed to staying together. For the sake of our children and for us, please don't contact him again."

 

I'm not saying it will work.

 

You've got some dysfunction going on. Most cheaters throw the Other under the bus and don't get upset when their spouse does the "dirty work".

 

That makes me suspicious.

[cocorico]

I'm amazed you're still married to him after the blatant disrespect and lack of remorse he has.

 

Why are you tolerating his behaviour?

You said you wanted a divorce and he walked off. Doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

 

Forget the OW. In this case, your husband is the problem.

 

What's your dealbreaker?

 

Agree.

 

If he was seriously over her, or cared in the slightest about your concerns, he'd make sure she didn't contact him. And, even if she managed to, shed present no threat and it would be completely clear to you that he wasn't interested in her, wasn't concerned about her feelings, and was willing to do whatever was required to make it stop.

 

He isn't. Her feelings clearly matter more to him than yours. Why do you tolerate this? He defends her to you. When you told him you wanted to D, he took off *with her*. You had to blow up his phone to get him to come back... Surely he's made it abundantly clear to you where he would rather be?

 

Unless you act like you're unwilling to put up with this blatant disrespect, you are communicating to him that it's fine, you'll put up with anything - and he'll feel entitled to continue, and to encourage her as he's been doing. She will continue as long as he encourages it, and he will continue encouraging it as long as you put up with it, as you have been doing.

 

If this is the relationship you'd like your kids to aspire to one day, carry on, because you're teaching them that this is the best they can hope for.

[heartwhole]

I'm sorry that you're in this position. Your actions before your marriage do not in any way justify your husband's actions. It was his responsibility, with your willing help, to deal with that issue before deciding to marry you.

 

I'm so sorry to suggest this, but here you've got a husband who is STILL hiding things from you, who never willingly confessed to anything . . . it is highly likely that this was a physical affair, not just an emotional affair. She picked him up at 2 a.m. just to . . . hang out? That defies logic. For your own sake, please call your OB and get an STD panel done, and use protection if you are still intimate until you know that he is being honest and he has had a panel done too.

 

This might resonate: Infidelity Affair Group: End the Affair Strategies and the Backfire Effect

 

But what do I do? I don't know what to do all I know is I wanted her to stop and she won't. I feel her continued efforts are very disrespectful especially because she still makes attempts to conceal who it really is, sends encrypted and secret conversation messages, and only sends it to my husband (which every time except the time before last he has shown me when she attempted to contact him). I have wanted so badly to say something and I said months ago, if she did it again that I would say something to her spouse or to her (which is what I really wanted to) and my husband agreed but I think he was so sure it wouldn't happen again (he convinced himself she wouldn't try again) he didn't stop to think of what would happen if it did. So when it came time yet again, he all of the sudden had a problem with me saying anything. What do I do!? She will not stop and I cannot take it anymore, it has been six months and she will not stop so what do I do now?

 

You cannot control what she does. The problem here is that you and your husband are not on the same page. If he were truly remorseful and you were actively working on your marriage, then this would an issue that you tackle together. He would be honest about her attempts at contact and you would formulate a plan together for dealing with her, probably with the help of a marriage counselor. So while her continued contact would be rightfully annoying, it would not cause you to feel helpless like it does now.

 

The problem is that your husband is NOT remorseful, he is NOT transparent, and is not showing that he wants to work on the marriage. What would I do about THAT? I will tell you, and I am a BW so yes I've been there.

 

I would immediately detach from my husband (Google "betrayed spouse and 180"). If he's so hung up on this other woman and so justified in his actions and so capable of lying, then he gets no further intimacy, physical or emotional, with me until that changes. I will never be a willing participant in a love triangle, and I said so on DD. He could have her or he could fully commit to me, but I wasn't going to mope around begging him to choose me. Ridiculous.

 

Again, you can't control what another person does. At this point, he's probably not going to suddenly wake up and beg for another chance just because you grow a spine. So please start getting the support you need to pursue separation and divorce . . . you'll need emotional support from family and friends. You'll need financial advice from a lawyer. If he does wake up, great, then you require marriage counseling, individual counseling, reading Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Infidelity. Those things are non-negotiable if he wants to stay.

 

You are fixating on the OW because you recognize on some level that you can't feel safe in your relationship right now. But that's because of how your husband is acting, not because of the OW. Imagine if he responded to her attempts the right way . . . imagine if he was sympathetic to your pain. Imagine if he was willing to request no contact firmly, and to back it up with a restraining order if need be. Imagine if he said, "I'll do anything to fix this." Imagine if he took ownership of the affair. Imagine if he was honest about what happened then, and honest about her contact now . . . Then I suspect your feelings would be very different, would they not? The problem is NOT the OW. The problem is your husband. And until you face that, you will not have peace.

 

Please, please, please reach out to friends and family, call your OB today, and call a lawyer. Your husband thinks you won't do anything except nag him. He doesn't think you have the strength to stand up for yourself and to demand a marriage that is intimate and healthy, or no marriage at all. Do you?

[wmacbride]

In your shoes, the first thing I would do is to ask your husband to make it absolutely 100 percent clear to his ex ow that any further contact is defiantly not wanted. DO NOT prepare the letter/message about this yourself. He needs to do it, and then he can send it to her.

 

Explain to him that this contact is very upsetting to you, and it needs to stop. His ex-ow is the type of person who is going to look for any weakness or chink to ingratiate herself in your lives, so don;t give her that. Once she knows that your ws doesn't wish to her from her- no text, emails, pictures, notes, facebook pokes, facebook likes, etc. if she does keep contacting him, seek legal help to get her to stop. She is an adult, and she needs to stop trying to insert herself into your lives.

 

Mind you, none of that will matter unless your ws really does want to cut off contact with her. If he is sending her mixed signals, she won't ever stop. This is why the two of you need to present a united front.

 

I would also strongly suggest counseling for the two of you, and your ws needs to stop acting like a big baby. Holding on to something you did before you were married is childish. if it bothered him that much, he could have spoken to you about it, not married you, asked for counseling, etc. Right now, he's just using it as an excuse to cover his but for what he's done. The reality is he would have done the same no matter what you did/ didn't do before you were married.

 

At the end of the day, you may need to decide how much of his crap you are willing to put up with. How long will you allow him to treat you badly?

[ShatteredLady]

My husband had an affair with a coworker over 12 years ago. She continued to reach-out to him for all of those 12 YEARS! until he was in a weak position & dived straight back into an EA.

 

12 YEARS of our life because it was never dealt with properly in the first place!

 

To begin with he said that he NEVER responded. Eventually I found some email evidence...just things like sending a photo of our toddler son with a silly caption, in response. He thought that was sending a message "see? I'm a father!" but she didn't take it that way. To her any response was continued interest.

 

Until your H is COMPLETELY dedicated to you & your family AND sends her a harsh NO CONTACT letter this isn't going to go away. He clearly made promises to her. He's clearly still being kind & open (at the minimum) with her.

 

Do they still work together?

How do you know the affair is over?

 

When the OW came back into our life I was very sick (life saving surgery) & my H lost his job. He then started a contract but messed-up & believed he was going to loose that too. He didn't tell me because I was so unwell. There was a fracture in our marriage. Something I could not control. He needed the ego boost & told her many lies to get what he needed.

 

Even if he gets you to rugsweep this now, you can't control your future. If she's waiting in the wings & becomes unhappy in her life it will be a perfect storm & you will go through this again.

 

Please don't make the same mistakes as me. He's either honest & does everything you need or he's out!! It wasn't until I said, "OK you're meant to be together. Go!! I'll file for divorce. Have a happy life!", then suddenly everything changed. He couldn't live without me & he hated himself for everything he'd done.

 

As long as I was crying, weak, lost, he continued criticizing me & building her up in his mind. He's your husband. He's a father. He doesn't get to have his 'oh so special little friend' to woo & build a fantasy with! Be strong. You have been severely wronged. You are devastated. If he won't step-up & work on YOU he needs to go. I'm so sorry.

[heartwhole]

I know it's hard to stand up to someone who is angry, snippy, defensive, who huffs and stomps around when you question him. But please see through his actions - he's just deflecting the blame.

 

My husband didn't admit that it was a PA either. And because the OW lives in another hemisphere I just assumed there had been no opportunity, but where there's a will, there's a way. It makes absolutely no sense that your husband spent all of this time with the OW and had feelings strong enough to leave you and let her believe he was separated but that they were chaste just for the sake of it, does it? I knew my husbands answers made no sense, so I kept digging. By that point he had given me the password to his phone, so I charged up his old phone and voila, same password, but he hadn't deleted things from that phone.

 

By that point (two weeks after DD) he was coming out of the fog and was realizing how disgusted our friends and family were by the supposed EA. He was trying to decide if he was going to confess, he claims. Who knows. But my point is that by that point when I had some semblance of the truth and he was out of contact with the OW and realizing how superficial those feelings were, finally we could start rebuilding. I think your husband is hiding the fact it was a PA because then he'd be no better than you and he would have to admit he was wrong. This way he's this chaste, righteous man unjustly hurt by you all those years ago and now burdened by having to stick with you while Miss Perfect is out there just waiting to love him.

 

Don't let him be that guy. Burst his bubble. Here's a script if you need one:

 

"I've been thinking some more and I realize that we can't go on like this. We didn't deal with my affair the right way 7 years ago and I'm not going to do it wrong this time too. It makes no sense that you would go out with another woman in the middle of the night and see her after I asked you not to and NOT have sex with her, so I'm believing that you had sex with her until you prove otherwise. You can do that by taking a polygraph and going to marriage counseling with me. We both also need individual counseling. If you can't give me this much, then I can't stay in this marriage any longer. I'm moving in with my mother and taking the kids. We can discuss the lawyers after I get settled."

 

But the trick, and this will be the hardest part for you, is to LET GO of the outcome. You can't force him to turn into a remorseful, committed husband. But you CAN refuse to stay married to him if he isn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

But what do I do? I don't know what to do all I know is I wanted her to stop and she won't. I feel her continued efforts are very disrespectful especially because she still makes attempts to conceal who it really is, sends encrypted and secret conversation messages, and only sends it to my husband (which every time except the time before last he has shown me when she attempted to contact him). I have wanted so badly to say something and I said months ago, if she did it again that I would say something to her spouse or to her (which is what I really wanted to) and my husband agreed but I think he was so sure it wouldn't happen again (he convinced himself she wouldn't try again) he didn't stop to think of what would happen if it did. So when it came time yet again, he all of the sudden had a problem with me saying anything. What do I do!? She will not stop and I cannot take it anymore, it has been six months and she will not stop so what do I do now?

 

Five Stages of Loss:

 

1). Denial

2). Anger

3). Bargaining

4). Depression

5). Acceptance

 

You're in denial. Your husband could very easily end this contact with her, even you've outlined the necessary steps including notifying her work and/or spouse.

 

And yet he won't do it.

 

He was prepared to leave you for her, obviously there was a physical affair.

 

And yet he won't admit to it.

 

He should be transparent with you and demonstrate real remorse in order to address the issues in your marriage.

 

And yet he won't even start the process.

 

And you think the real problem is her pathetic attempts at contact?

 

Watch out for Step #2, it's a rough ride. Hang in there, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

I know it's hard to stand up to someone who is angry, snippy, defensive, who huffs and stomps around when you question him. But please see through his actions - he's just deflecting the blame.

 

My husband didn't admit that it was a PA either. And because the OW lives in another hemisphere I just assumed there had been no opportunity, but where there's a will, there's a way. It makes absolutely no sense that your husband spent all of this time with the OW and had feelings strong enough to leave you and let her believe he was separated but that they were chaste just for the sake of it, does it? I knew my husbands answers made no sense, so I kept digging. By that point he had given me the password to his phone, so I charged up his old phone and voila, same password, but he hadn't deleted things from that phone.

 

By that point (two weeks after DD) he was coming out of the fog and was realizing how disgusted our friends and family were by the supposed EA. He was trying to decide if he was going to confess, he claims. Who knows. But my point is that by that point when I had some semblance of the truth and he was out of contact with the OW and realizing how superficial those feelings were, finally we could start rebuilding. I think your husband is hiding the fact it was a PA because then he'd be no better than you and he would have to admit he was wrong. This way he's this chaste, righteous man unjustly hurt by you all those years ago and now burdened by having to stick with you while Miss Perfect is out there just waiting to love him.

 

Don't let him be that guy. Burst his bubble. Here's a script if you need one:

 

"I've been thinking some more and I realize that we can't go on like this. We didn't deal with my affair the right way 7 years ago and I'm not going to do it wrong this time too. It makes no sense that you would go out with another woman in the middle of the night and see her after I asked you not to and NOT have sex with her, so I'm believing that you had sex with her until you prove otherwise. You can do that by taking a polygraph and going to marriage counseling with me. We both also need individual counseling. If you can't give me this much, then I can't stay in this marriage any longer. I'm moving in with my mother and taking the kids. We can discuss the lawyers after I get settled."

 

But the trick, and this will be the hardest part for you, is to LET GO of the outcome. You can't force him to turn into a remorseful, committed husband. But you CAN refuse to stay married to him if he isn't.

 

 

This is something every bs needs to read. All you can really do is control your own actions. Take steps to protect your self and your children form emotional pain. You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going. It's not going to be easy, but you are stronger than you realize. If your ws wants t come along for the ride, he knows what he needs to do. If he's not willing to cut the ow off completely and do what it takes to get her out of your lives, that's on him.

[whichwayisup]

File for divorce. Tell him to pack his stuff and GO to her. Even if you don't actually file, he doesn't need to know that.

 

He hasn't suffered any consequences, he is blaming you and justifying his choice to cheat on you, he isn't remorseful nor is he over this OW, he's protecting her over you. That's wrong and now is the time to get mad and rid of him (until he is ready to fix himself and go to counseling with you).

[fivegrands]

You have been through a lot, and I can hear the pain you are feeling through your words. It sounds like you love your husband and value your family unit, along with the marriage commitment. I strongly urge you to talk together with a counselor or pastor that you both trust. I commend you for trying to keep your marriage and family together, but I think you are at a point where you really need some outside help.

Edited January 9, 2017 by fivegrands

[anika99]

First of all, get yourself tested for STDs immediately. I don't believe for 1 second that this affair was only emotional. A man doesn't do and say the things he has all for the sake of hanging onto a woman he hasn't had sex with. Even most woman will not hang on this tightly to a non-sexual relationship. You husband was having sex with her and may still be having sex with her.

 

A much of a nuisance you find this OW to be, you know your husband is your real problem. He has told so many lies that you can't believe anything he says about the OW. You have shown him time and time again that you will accept this blatant disrespect. It doesn't matter how much you have cried, yelled or raged at him that he must respect you, just the fact that you are still there sends a clear message that you will accept disrespect. He is basing his actions on your actions and your actions say that you accept this. Your words are just background noise that he doesn't listen to because you don't follow through.

 

He has no respect for you and you are both in denial. First you need to accept that your husband is a cheater and that he has been having sex with this woman. Then you need to decide if knowing that, you still want to stay with him. If you do then you have to take action. He will not change his ways as long as you continue to allow this. He will not respect you as long as you continue to let him disrespect you. Ask him to move out and stay gone until he can start acting like a husband who loves his wife. If he can't become a man who treats his wife right then his leaving becomes a blessing to you,

[ShatteredLady]

Have you read the 'sticky' post at the top of this forum page "Things That Every Wayward Spouce Needs to Know"?

 

I printed it out & gave it to my husband to read. I think that could be a good idea for you. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere close to 'getting-it' even though he's experienced your infidelity first hand.

 

I truly believe, from my own experiences, that when we are young & dating it's a very, VERY different thing from when you're married with children. When you're a FAMILY & your whole lives are so entwined in all takes on a whole new meaning. I'm not saying that the heartbreak isn't crippling when dating. It is of course!

 

The family bond, the reliance on each-other, becoming parents, shared responsibility, the vows, the safety & security, the forever "Until death us do part", shared dreams & belief that you will grow old together, that your partner has your back, protects & cherishes you....oh ALL OF IT!!! Makes adultery so utterly devastating on every single possible level!!

 

He left you sobbing in your home, with your children asleep, to go 'hang out' with his mistress in the middle of the night! The utter cruelty of walking out the door is horrific!! If he can't see that, worse, if he blames you for that, he is a very broken man who desperately needs a wake-up call.

 

You simply do not do that to the person you love or respect.

 

Until he truly gets that & starts the hard work of introspection & helping you to heal, he is torturing you.

 

There are books that you can read & share. "Not Just Friends" could be a good start.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's the most awful thing I've ever experienced. Own your feelings. They're very real & completely justified. I hope that your husband starts to see that very soon.

[ladydesigner]

But the trick, and this will be the hardest part for you, is to LET GO of the outcome. You can't force him to turn into a remorseful, committed husband. But you CAN refuse to stay married to him if he isn't.

 

Best advice for any BS! My biggest lesson from infidelity was learning that I can only control myself and to let go of the outcome.

[danad00dle]

I actually did ask her myself to not contact him. The one and only message I ever sent to the women was a "how dare you" and letting her know that "I have asked them both to cease all communication," which of course he was furious about. Not at all bothered by the aunguish I was in but obviously more concerned for her feelings which I have mentioned. I cried reading all the posts because it's everything I have been saying and it stings a little to see it reiterated to third party opinions who obviously seen the situation as I did. I don't know how to explain it but I believe he did not sleep with her, the whole 2 in the morning thing was because he worked with her and they worked the night shift and it was a party for his supervisor after work, he just happened to be on a medical leave at the time so there was no way getting around me not knowing. I know it is hard to believe and I found it so too but I do. The one thing that kills me is I have said that he cares more about her feelings than my own and I will take a lot of the advice and do everything I can to see it to the end if necessary. I will request he message her one final time FIRMLY requesting that she stop. He definitely sent mixed messages and I don't trust that he has truly not contacted her although I believe he has not seen her since because she as I mentioned has a spouse who is on her case as much as I am on his. Also the fact that he is not currently able to drive and we only have the one vehicle that I use for both of us which is part of how it all started to begin with as he was getting rides home from her. He has made efforts in a way but he only once admitted any wrong doing and I believe it was to either "shut me up" or tell me what I wanted to hear. I am not stupid, I have really layed into him for the past 6 months saying all the very same things, bringing up all the same points, and just bitching at him quite a bit. I won't deny that, I have been understandably upset which is part of his excuse because "I am always upset." My rebuttle was if I am always upset than why would it matter if he told me and was honest with me then? Since that was his excuse for not telling me about him wanting to leave me or hanging out with another women after work. He doesn't seem to understand that the reason I do is because he refuses to deal with it and every single time I do it turns into a huge fight. At first he did run to her yes but since then I don't know if they have talked for sure but I know he has not made efforts to see her as I have been closely monitoring his location history and I know how that sounds but I only did so after he gave me reason to mistrust him completely and had stopped doing it few months ago but then of course, some new messages came through one of the times in which he did not tell me. The last time he took off to see her was upon the request of her spouse who he spoke with as well. She apparently was very distraught and so of course my husband had to rush to her since her spouse couldn't think to call ANYONE ELSE. He still doesn't admit that he cheated on me at all, even emotionally, but he has been here and dealt with all my nagging, I believe it counts for something because I have truly been relentless in my investigation and interrogation at every detail no matter how minoot. I also believe I will follow the no intimacy until he sends the message clearly eliminating her from our lives. It really sucks though because it seems like she is the one who keeps contacting him (which I actually witnessed myself and he did show me for the most part) and it bothers me but he just keeps shrugging it off like it's no big deal and seems to think it feeble attempts. I will start with the message to firmly establish because honestly I had been wanting to contact the spouse because it it really annoying to say the least and it really disrupts our lives every time it happens like ripping open all the wounds all over again. I don't know what to think but it just feels like everytime I finally start to feel better there it is again, another message to bring it all back up again making it impossible to move on. I am going to confront him today about it if I can, I feel like throwing up honestly and I need to reground myself for the moment and gather myself again. I do appreciate the brute honesty! Thank you all, it really does help because I need to cry again, I have been so hollow for a while, I wasn't able but I feel like I can now.

[heartwhole]

I do sympathize. My husband tried avoidance and deflection for months and months and I just felt like I spinning my wheels. Finally after 8 months we read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" by Linda MacDonald (available for free download from her website) and he finally started getting it. That's when he finally sent a proper NC request.

 

I really don't understand how your husband can tell you he's leaving you for another woman and then claim he never had any sort of affair.

 

Just remember that him claiming that the problem is YOU because you're "always upset" is ridiculous, and it's just an attempt to deflect the blame. Of course you're upset -- your husband told you he was leaving you for another woman and now she won't stop contacting him. Wouldn't you be absolutely nuts if you weren't upset about that?

 

Of course, the only way to get out of this vicious cycle is to start detaching from him emotionally. Once you stop showing that you are upset and expecting him to have sympathy for you, he won't be able to justify his crap behavior because of you being upset.

 

When you talk to him, remember that there have to be consequences for not agreeing to do the things you need. How far are you willing to go?

[danad00dle]

Five Stages of Loss:

 

1). Denial

2). Anger

3). Bargaining

4). Depression

5). Acceptance

 

You're in denial. Your husband could very easily end this contact with her, even you've outlined the necessary steps including notifying her work and/or spouse.

 

And yet he won't do it.

 

He was prepared to leave you for her, obviously there was a physical affair.

 

And yet he won't admit to it.

 

He should be transparent with you and demonstrate real remorse in order to address the issues in your marriage.

 

And yet he won't even start the process.

 

And you think the real problem is her pathetic attempts at contact?

 

Watch out for Step #2, it's a rough ride. Hang in there, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you everyone,

 

All of you were absolutely right and it is amazing how I have been saying the exact same thing for months but I was glad to finally have realized the root of the problem which was him all along. I needed a third party opinion and the fact that it was exactly as I suspected made me feel like I wasn't so crazy after all; I'm tired of being told how ridiculous I am for being understandably upset.

 

I confronted him yesterday and he still refuses to admit any wrongdoing or take responsibility for his actions and so for now it seems like the damage is beyond repair but we will see. Last night I got so mad I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I took off, didn't tell him where I was going, what I was doing, and who I was doing it with. I called a friend and had them come pick me up after walking for a bit to clear my mind. I spent the night with a very good friend I used to work with, she was so kind and helpful and it also helps she has been in a similar situation so it was easy to speak to her. It made me feel better and that's exactly what I told him, now he knows how it feels.

 

Now he knows how it feels to worry all night, the disparaging feeling of being sick to your stomach with grief, and completely helpless to do anything about it. Now he has felt an ounce of the pain I have endured and if it was wrong for me to do than point proven! I had to come back in the morning because of the kids but I made it abundantly clear that was why and that I am not going to cry over him anymore. I am not going to bow or shed a tear over him any longer.

 

I finally stood up to him and told him if he could not finally put an end to it and stick up for me, I will not be continually and blatantly disrespected! I will be strong for my daughter and my kids and show everyone it is not okay, I am not okay, and I will not just sit there and take it anymore.

 

I have taken everyone's advice on this forum and grew a spine. Last night was my breaking point and I am going to let my actions speak for me since that's how he has chosen to respond to my grief; I just returned the favor.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for giving me the courage to demand respect and to feel like I deserve the right to either see the situation to the end and actually deal with it (do something about it) or our relationship if he doesn't feel I am worth it. If he won't do it for me, that shows me all I need to know. I am going to let go and we will see how it goes.

[merrmeade]

In your shoes, the first thing I would do is to ask your husband to make it absolutely 100 percent clear to his ex ow that any further contact is defiantly not wanted. DO NOT prepare the letter/message about this yourself. He needs to do it, and then ...

YOU MAIL IT.

 

Yes, he needs to write it himself, but He should NOT be the one to mail it. Think about it. He could open it up and change anything - even rewrite.

 

No, he writes it. You read it when he says he's done. If you're ok with it, one of you seals it and youi stick it in the postal bin, hand it to the mailman, take it to the post office - whatever, but YOU MAIL IT.

.......

[Oops, that's what happens when you post before you finish reading a thread, but the idea is essential for NC: The WS must not mail the NC letter.]

 

Anyway, GOOD FOR YOU, dana, but I think you were very close to knowing what the right thing was for you to do. Good luck.

Edited January 13, 2017 by merrmeade

[Confused48]

Your situation is very dire. I am certain that your H is justifying a full blown physical affair, in his mind, bc you did that to him. He will continue it until you leave him. He will do whatever it takes to continue it. The more you learn about the affair the more he will take measures to hide it from you. He will send fake, do not contact me letters and then on the side, wink wink, just kidding to the OW. That will be just the beginning of it.

 

As I see it you have two options. You can accept that he is going to continue to do this, to take advantage of what he sees as a free pass, for as long as he sees fit to do so, or you can leave him.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Confused48

[ladydesigner]

Thank you everyone,

 

All of you were absolutely right and it is amazing how I have been saying the exact same thing for months but I was glad to finally have realized the root of the problem which was him all along. I needed a third party opinion and the fact that it was exactly as I suspected made me feel like I wasn't so crazy after all; I'm tired of being told how ridiculous I am for being understandably upset.

 

I confronted him yesterday and he still refuses to admit any wrongdoing or take responsibility for his actions and so for now it seems like the damage is beyond repair but we will see. Last night I got so mad I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I took off, didn't tell him where I was going, what I was doing, and who I was doing it with. I called a friend and had them come pick me up after walking for a bit to clear my mind. I spent the night with a very good friend I used to work with, she was so kind and helpful and it also helps she has been in a similar situation so it was easy to speak to her. It made me feel better and that's exactly what I told him, now he knows how it feels.

 

Now he knows how it feels to worry all night, the disparaging feeling of being sick to your stomach with grief, and completely helpless to do anything about it. Now he has felt an ounce of the pain I have endured and if it was wrong for me to do than point proven! I had to come back in the morning because of the kids but I made it abundantly clear that was why and that I am not going to cry over him anymore. I am not going to bow or shed a tear over him any longer.

 

I finally stood up to him and told him if he could not finally put an end to it and stick up for me, I will not be continually and blatantly disrespected! I will be strong for my daughter and my kids and show everyone it is not okay, I am not okay, and I will not just sit there and take it anymore.

 

I have taken everyone's advice on this forum and grew a spine. Last night was my breaking point and I am going to let my actions speak for me since that's how he has chosen to respond to my grief; I just returned the favor.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for giving me the courage to demand respect and to feel like I deserve the right to either see the situation to the end and actually deal with it (do something about it) or our relationship if he doesn't feel I am worth it. If he won't do it for me, that shows me all I need to know. I am going to let go and we will see how it goes.

 

Keep this up! What you are doing is the 180 google it and keep doing it for you either your WS will 'get it' or not at which point you will need to decide whether you will leave or be a rug sweeper! Best of luck to you be strong and stay on the 180!!!

[aileD]

Good for you. I hope he steps up.

[Mr Blunt]

Force yourself to focus 100% on you building yourself up; get all the help that you can. You are in a war for your emotional life and you are in the jungle kingdom; only the strong will survive. FORCE yourself to NOT think about your husband but be totally focused on you getting yourself stronger.

 

 

You are going to have to be stronger no matter if you try and R with your husband or leave him. If you do not get stronger you will be crushed.