I cheated on my wife and she wants to know every detail

[kuiter]

I cheated on my wife, of 8 years, and she wants to know everything. Every last detail of exactly how it happened and what happened. A play by play like a movie.

 

She found out about the cheating/affair 8 days ago and since then she hasn't talked to me, won't sleep in the same bed, won't sit near me, won't eat near me, won't be in the same room as me, etc. As soon as I walk into the house she disappears.

 

All she will say to me is that if I want this marriage to survive I have to tell her everything. Not just what I did/how many times, but every last detail. If not, I can get out. It's like she wants to torture herself with the details.

 

Is this a normal reaction? Is telling her everything a good idea? I don't think she will ever be able to get it out of her head and will obsess over the details. She wants a play by play like a movie that she can run through her head.

 

I started telling her some of the details last night. I barely said anything and she was balling on our bed. I tried to lay with her and hold her and she started hitting me, not hard/violent at all and just in my chest. She has never acted like that before, I've never seen her that upset. She left the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. She didn't come out for hours. She wouldn't talk to me at all while she was in there. I feared that she was going to hurt herself, but I could hear her breathing and sobbing.

 

She still says to tell her everything. I don't think she could handle it. All I told her last night was how I met one of the women I cheated with. She didn't just want to know where I met her, she wanted to know when, how long we talked first, when we kissed, what led up to kissing, what led up to sex, what was her name, what did she look like, what was the sex like, what did I feel, how long did it last, how many times, etc. Every frickin' detail. Half of it I don't even remember.

 

There was cheating more than once and with more than one woman. I don't want to torture her with details for days or weeks. I love my wife and I want our marriage to survive and thrive. I'm willing to do the work to make us work. This doesn't seem like a good idea, though. I understand that I should tell her the gist of it (how many times, how long) but not this...

 

This situation has been made more difficult by our living situation. We moved from the USA to Germany for a job that I was offered. She was easily employed as well and we thought it would be a good adventure for us. Unfortunately that means she has no family or close friends to lean on.

[S2B]

I guess you better tell every detail then.

 

And don't say you don't remember - everyone remembers the details of extra sex.

[RecentChange]

So tell us - if she knew all the details, would she think this marriage was worth saving?

 

How many women were there, and how long did this go on for?

 

My husband asked for those sorts of details, how, who, when, how many times, where, what was it like, what did he look like, what was he built like so on and so forth. And of course there was "did you love him" and all the concerns that I was looking to leave. And I answered. I didn't provide extras, but I answered his questions.

[Satu]

She is completely within her rights to ask this of you.

 

Tell her everything.

 

 

Take care.

[Whoknew30]

If you love her as much as you say, then you are going to have to put "her" before even your marriage. Right now, she is the most important thing...not your marriage, not you.

 

If you feel bad, give her what she wants, if she decides she wants a divorce, that part falls on you. So do what you haven't been doing & put your needs & fear aside for your wife...she's in the decision making seat, not you.

[kuiter]

I guess you better tell every detail then.

 

And don't say you don't remember - everyone remembers the details of extra sex.

 

I remember the main details. There was more than one woman and over a period of 2 years. It gets a bit foggy. It's not just the 'normal' details that she wants to know. It's what we ate and drank when we went out, where did we go out (every single time), where did we sit, what exactly did we talk about, were they 'hotter' than her, what features were better than hers, what exactly did we do during sex (ie, she wants to hear "we made out, then I went down on her until she reached orgasm, we had sex in XYZ position for 20 minutes, then we.....).

 

That can't be healthy... I'll try and tell her everything if I must but it doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

So tell us - if she knew all the details, would she think this marriage was worth saving?

 

How many women were there, and how long did this go on for?

 

My husband asked for those sorts of details, how, who, when, how many times, where, what was it like, what did he look like, what was he built like so on and so forth. And of course there was "did you love him" and all the concerns that I was looking to leave. And I answered. I didn't provide extras, but I answered his questions.

 

If she knew all of the details, honestly I don't know. Right now she doesn't know how many women, just that there was more than one. She bounces back and forth between telling me not to dump facts on her but then wanting to know every detail. She wants to learn it in a slow torturous way rather than quickly getting out the facts and trying to move on.

 

It went on for 2.5 years. I slept with 11 women, anywhere from once to 1-2x a month. I had a relationship with another woman on and off for 22 months. She knew that I was married.

 

Did the details help him or was it just unnecessary torture?

[S2B]

Tell her as much as you know.

 

If needed take a polygraph.

 

Does your wife say why she wants to work through your issues when there is evidence you don't intend to be faithful to her?

[Simple Logic]

I cheated on my wife, of 8 years, and she wants to know everything. Every last detail of exactly how it happened and what happened. A play by play like a movie.

 

She found out about the cheating/affair 8 days ago and since then she hasn't talked to me, won't sleep in the same bed, won't sit near me, won't eat near me, won't be in the same room as me, etc. As soon as I walk into the house she disappears.

 

All she will say to me is that if I want this marriage to survive I have to tell her everything. Not just what I did/how many times, but every last detail. If not, I can get out. It's like she wants to torture herself with the details.

 

Is this a normal reaction? Is telling her everything a good idea? I don't think she will ever be able to get it out of her head and will obsess over the details. She wants a play by play like a movie that she can run through her head.

 

I started telling her some of the details last night. I barely said anything and she was balling on our bed. I tried to lay with her and hold her and she started hitting me, not hard/violent at all and just in my chest. She has never acted like that before, I've never seen her that upset. She left the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. She didn't come out for hours. She wouldn't talk to me at all while she was in there. I feared that she was going to hurt herself, but I could hear her breathing and sobbing.

 

She still says to tell her everything. I don't think she could handle it. All I told her last night was how I met one of the women I cheated with. She didn't just want to know where I met her, she wanted to know when, how long we talked first, when we kissed, what led up to kissing, what led up to sex, what was her name, what did she look like, what was the sex like, what did I feel, how long did it last, how many times, etc. Every frickin' detail. Half of it I don't even remember.

 

There was cheating more than once and with more than one woman. I don't want to torture her with details for days or weeks. I love my wife and I want our marriage to survive and thrive. I'm willing to do the work to make us work. This doesn't seem like a good idea, though. I understand that I should tell her the gist of it (how many times, how long) but not this...

 

This situation has been made more difficult by our living situation. We moved from the USA to Germany for a job that I was offered. She was easily employed as well and we thought it would be a good adventure for us. Unfortunately that means she has no family or close friends to lean on.

 

About 50% of all marriages fail. How many do you think survive where one spouse has had multiple affairs? Good luck with the I love you and want our marriage to thrive BS.

[DKT3]

It's what she needs, so give it to her.

 

What you're doing is trying to control her reaction thus the outcome. Also keep in mind that telling her the information isn't unhealthy or damaging, it's was you actually doing those things.

 

Man up, give her the information she needs to make the best decision for herself.

[ShatteredLady]

Search for "Joseph's Letter" or "letter puzzle infidelity" it will answer your question it will also explain why she needs to know.

 

I'm not saying it will save your marriage. I would normally say "what's going on in her imagination is worse" but in your situation I'm not sure!!

 

You're a serial adulterer. Are you sure it's in your character to be married? Do you believe that you can stop shagging any woman that says "ok!".

[RecentChange]

I think you need to tell her that there were 11 different women.

 

If you really want to reconcile, first you need to give her the truth.

 

You can't move on in fear that more details - or women are going to come out of the woodwork. And she needs to know the truth so she can decide on what to do.

 

Right now what does she know? Does she think it was one woman?

 

My husband didn't press for the details of the sex (beyond wanting to know what if anything different I had done), and in the end, I think his questions helped, so we could lay that part of it to rest.

 

You need to fess up to the number - you have been living a double life, and now it's time to come clean.

[BuddyX]

First of all, tell her everything. She deserves to know in order to make a decision right for her.

 

Few reasons she wants to know. One, she wants to know where was she (physically and emotionally) every time you strayed. She'll make mental notes.

 

Second, she wants to know what was the status of the marriage during the affairs (good times, rough patches, etc).

 

Third, she'll question herself if she could've done something differently in the marriage.

[gettingstronger]

Yep, every detail until she says stop. Slowly and as gently as possible. Read Joseph's Letter and the pinned post at the top.

[BetrayedH]

There's a thread posted at the top of this forum that you need to read, Things that every wayward spouse needs to know. It contains Joseph's Letter, which explains the need to know.

 

I will be another to pile on that, yes, she should get every detail that she requests. While the "mind movies" that this will create will be detrimental, many betrayed spouses can forgive the infidelity IF there is honesty going forward. She needs to know what she is being asked to forgive. And you need to show your willingness to share these painful truths. You have controlled the flow of information long enough. Now it's her turn. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision. You denied her that. Stop trying to decide what she can handle. Meant gently, your judgment on this issue sucks. She is an adult and can decide for herself.

 

One thing you can do is to say that you are willing to answer anything and everything she asks with complete openness and honesty. But when she asks for a detail that you think may be particularly painful, repeat your willingness but ask her if she is sure this is something she wants to know because some of these things cannot be unheard.

 

When things trigger her and the mind movies plague her, it's your job to support her through them. That's where you help her. Not by refusing the truth.

 

Will it be difficult? Certainly. But this is the scenario that you have created. You cannot skirt around it.

 

Good luck.

[understand50]

If she is to forgive you, she need to know what she is really forgiving. An affair with two separate women, is one thing 11 women quite another. Do not hide, let her know the big story, and then any details she may want to know. This is your only chance for a reconciliation. Remember, it is not up to you, she will have to decide, and if she decides to forgive an reconcile, it is a gift.

 

Your first step is to recognize that you are very mush in the wrong, and need to do what she wants to try and make it right.

 

I wish you luck.....

[kuiter]

Why does she want to work through it? Because she's a better person than I am. She won't really talk to me. She texted me this:

 

"Part of me wants the satisfaction of booting you to the curb and to hurt you back. To watch your life fall apart the way mine is. At the end of the day that satisfaction would be short lived and replaced by dissatisfaction. Unlike you, I don't want to hurt my spouse or throw away my marriage like it is meaningless. When I took my vows, I meant them. You may not have, but I did. I promise nothing, but I will fight for this marriage because somewhere in there is the man that I saw my future with. If he's still there, maybe we can get past this. I respect our marriage enough to try before I walk away, I wish you would have granted it the same respect. You didn't, and now you have one last chance to be the man I married."

 

I want to be faithful to her. I will do whatever she wants to show her that I'm serious about this. I want to be the man that she married. I suggested moving back to the USA, the cheating started here in Germany, but she doesn't want to. In her words, she wants privacy to deal with this. I don't think she has told anyone.

 

I know that many marriages fail and reconciling after affairs isn't a great chance. That is no reason to just walk away. I have a wife who is willing to try and I want to as well. I know that I ****ed up, hard. I need to make that up to her and prove myself to her. As much as I cheated, I do still love my wife and want to be with her. It was never about finding someone else.

 

Of course I'd rather not tell her all of the details. I don't want to say it or admit to it, but for her I will. If that's what she needs then I will do it. I don't want to hurt her as much as this will, but I already have. Telling her everything is going to be extremely hard.

 

I'll look up that thread.

 

I've been with my wife for 10 years, married 8. I met her when I was 26. Before my wife I had 8 relationships and I cheated in all of them, except the last one. I blamed it on being a stupid teenager. My last relationship was from 20-23, we had issues but I didn't cheat. I thought it was something that I did as a teenager and wouldn't ever do again.

 

So am I suited to monogamy? I want to be.

 

Right now, my wife knows that it was more than one woman but doesn't know that it was 12 (11 purely sex, 1 relationship). She asked if it was more than one and I said yes. We haven't gone further than that. She doesn't want me to say, she said she wants to do 'one at a time'.

 

Do I just blurt it out even though she doesn't want that?

 

She has always been bothered by the amount of women I've had sex with. Her list is easy: Me. I stopped counting somewhere along the line. If I had to put a number to it, somewhere between 60-80. In my teens and 20's sex came easily to me and I took it. She has always been insecure and lacking confidence in the bedroom because of it. She use to say that she didn't care how many women I was with, as long as I was her last... Now it might be a bigger deal.

[Whoknew30]

Why does she want to work through it? Because she's a better person than I am. She won't really talk to me. She texted me this:

 

"Part of me wants the satisfaction of booting you to the curb and to hurt you back. To watch your life fall apart the way mine is. At the end of the day that satisfaction would be short lived and replaced by dissatisfaction. Unlike you, I don't want to hurt my spouse or throw away my marriage like it is meaningless. When I took my vows, I meant them. You may not have, but I did. I promise nothing, but I will fight for this marriage because somewhere in there is the man that I saw my future with. If he's still there, maybe we can get past this. I respect our marriage enough to try before I walk away, I wish you would have granted it the same respect. You didn't, and now you have one last chance to be the man I married."

 

I want to be faithful to her. I will do whatever she wants to show her that I'm serious about this. I want to be the man that she married. I suggested moving back to the USA, the cheating started here in Germany, but she doesn't want to. In her words, she wants privacy to deal with this. I don't think she has told anyone.

 

I know that many marriages fail and reconciling after affairs isn't a great chance. That is no reason to just walk away. I have a wife who is willing to try and I want to as well. I know that I ****ed up, hard. I need to make that up to her and prove myself to her. As much as I cheated, I do still love my wife and want to be with her. It was never about finding someone else.

 

Of course I'd rather not tell her all of the details. I don't want to say it or admit to it, but for her I will. If that's what she needs then I will do it. I don't want to hurt her as much as this will, but I already have. Telling her everything is going to be extremely hard.

 

I'll look up that thread.

 

I've been with my wife for 10 years, married 8. I met her when I was 26. Before my wife I had 8 relationships and I cheated in all of them, except the last one. I blamed it on being a stupid teenager. My last relationship was from 20-23, we had issues but I didn't cheat. I thought it was something that I did as a teenager and wouldn't ever do again.

 

So am I suited to monogamy? I want to be.

 

Right now, my wife knows that it was more than one woman but doesn't know that it was 12 (11 purely sex, 1 relationship). She asked if it was more than one and I said yes. We haven't gone further than that. She doesn't want me to say, she said she wants to do 'one at a time'.

 

Do I just blurt it out even though she doesn't want that?

 

She has always been bothered by the amount of women I've had sex with. Her list is easy: Me. I stopped counting somewhere along the line. If I had to put a number to it, somewhere between 60-80. In my teens and 20's sex came easily to me and I took it. She has always been insecure and lacking confidence in the bedroom because of it. She use to say that she didn't care how many women I was with, as long as I was her last... Now it might be a bigger deal.

 

She's going to flip when she hears how many women! BUT if you really want to not be a cheater, here's your chance...for the first time in your life be a 100% honest with not just her but yourself. You may lose your marriage but if you want to live life right, that's the chance you need to take on being truthful.

 

That's the only way you're going to change is for the first time doing things differently.

[Southern Sun]

I agree with BetrayedH about saying that you are willing to tell her everything, but when getting to a specifically sordid point, perhaps giving her a chance to opt-out.

 

Here's another way to handle it: offer her a complete timeline of the affair with all the points and players, leaving no important detail out. This includes every woman, the length of time, the number of sexual encounters if you know them. Your longer term A will be difficult to count encounters, so you can't really do that. If you know she wants detail like "oral", put that on there (if you recall). And then sit down with her to go through it. She then has the opportunity to ask for even more detail. If you go through each item one by one, and you answer completely honestly, perhaps she will discover that certain things (like how long did you sit at x restaurant) really aren't that important; or there are certain things she would really rather not know.

 

My BH did want to know details, but there are some things that ultimately I'm relieved he didn't ask about, like, what restaurants did you go to? Because then those restaurants would forever be a trigger for him. But that was HIS decision, not mine.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Tell her what she wants to know. You owe her that at the least. 11 women in 2 years. Whew.

 

Now is the time to start doing some deep soul searching and receiving therapy. You say you don't want to cheat but you do, you have and you're not even sure why? You are a serial cheater. Maybe you have a sex addiction.

 

Find out why do what you do. Your relationship won't have a chance in hell unless you understand yourself. 2 years you were living a double life..having sex with 11 different women. I'm not sure how your wife can ever get past this but get ready for a rough road ahead.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you want reconciliation....you owe it to your wife to give to her any and all information she asks for.

 

Let her lead the questioning...and only give her the answers to the questions asked. If you know the answer is going to be hurtful....tell her that...but the choice is still hers. Do not volunteer hurtful information or details etc.

 

Only give information face to face....do not text, e mail, etc. You need to be together....she needs to be able to see your face and you hers. You need to be able to stop when she needs to stop and you need to see her to judge that.

 

I did not follow my own advice....and i am telling you what i should have done not what i did to help you to avoid the same mistakes I made.

 

Once you have given the information...you can never take it back....and she will NEVER forget it.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Please read the linda macdonald book How to help your spouse heal from your affair. I found it tremendously helpful. Please seek personal therapy. You need to understand why you have allowed yourself to become this person....before you can possibly assure her...you will never do this again.

[ShatteredLady]

Why does she want to work through it? Because she's a better person than I am. She won't really talk to me. She texted me this:

 

"Part of me wants the satisfaction of booting you to the curb and to hurt you back. To watch your life fall apart the way mine is. At the end of the day that satisfaction would be short lived and replaced by dissatisfaction. Unlike you, I don't want to hurt my spouse or throw away my marriage like it is meaningless. When I took my vows, I meant them. You may not have, but I did. I promise nothing, but I will fight for this marriage because somewhere in there is the man that I saw my future with. If he's still there, maybe we can get past this. I respect our marriage enough to try before I walk away, I wish you would have granted it the same respect. You didn't, and now you have one last chance to be the man I married."

 

I want to be faithful to her. I will do whatever she wants to show her that I'm serious about this. I want to be the man that she married. I suggested moving back to the USA, the cheating started here in Germany, but she doesn't want to. In her words, she wants privacy to deal with this. I don't think she has told anyone.

 

I could have sent the exact same text to my husband! That's how I felt. Ugh! There are no words to express the depths of agony & shock.

 

We were also living in a foreign country, away from my friends & family. I'm incredibly private. I still haven't told my parents or other family members. Only a couple of very dear friends (& this forum) know.

 

Living away from home adds a level of complexity. Does she work or is she completely reliant on you? In the end I felt too vulnerable & isolated. I demanded that we return home & we did a month ago. It helps. It's still 'our secret' but feeling home makes me feel more safe & secure.

 

I know it's a big number. The truth is...If my H had confessed to a few drunken one night stands it would of been much, much easier to handle. It's the long term relationship that she's going to have the most difficulty with. A double life like that involves so much more. The lies, the intimacy, did you say that you loved each other? Did you ever plan to leave your wife for her? Did you 'future fake' & make promises? Did you buy her gifts? God I hope you didn't buy her the same gifts as your wife. That's a killer!!! But it ALL needs to be said.

 

You see, one of the most painful things was 'that woman' shared secrets with my H. She knew things that I didn't which means (in my head) she was closer to him than me! THAT's one of the reasons she needs every detail. It means that she has just as much knowledge as the OW & in turn it makes your marriage closer. Does that make sense?

 

You've clearly got a HUGE problem with womanizing. Share that problem! It makes you closer & the OW a symptom of your problem. Think about how you are going to change. Why/How do you have so much free time to do this? Is drinking with 'friends' part of the issue? They are NOT friends of your marriage. Anyone (even your best mate) who knew & encouraged your behavior needs to go!!

 

If you're even going to start to reconcile you need to be closer than close to your wife. She needs to know where you are & what you're doing ALL of the time. You don't get to go out alone with friends partying. Your friends should be happily committed couples. You want to be a family man, a REAL husband start acting like one!!

 

I feel so desperately sorry for your wife. You can't even start to imagine the utter devastation that she's feeling, no WS can! You have KILLED part of her & it can't be resurrected. You have destroyed her 'love story'. You need to build a new one. Laying yourself bare, exposing all of your weak, embarrassing parts, telling the complete truth is a start....

[Darren Steez]

I love my wife and I want our marriage to survive and thrive.

 

You sure have a funny way of showing it man.

[BetrayedH]

Lots of good suggestions.

 

In addition to the Linda McDonald book, I also recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It addresses how many affairs begin and, more importantly, what boundaries you'll need to enforce with yourself going forward. Plus, reading these books (and voluntarily signing yourself up for individual counseling) will help demonstrate some initiative on your part. It's not just about her forgiving you. It's about you doing as much as you can possibly do to make this right, and her forgiving you the rest (if she can). Without a time machine, you really can't make it all right. So earn as much forgiveness as you possibly can. That starts with honesty, openness, and transparency.

[sandylee1]

Give her the truth and what she's asking for.

 

I think she needs to know it's 11 women, because that could be her dealbreaker. Having said that I've seen a woman reconcile when her husband cheated with over 200 women (affairs and escorts), so who knows.

 

You just need to be truthful, but also ask yourself why you have cheated and if you can really stop. Are the women so easy in Germany? Is it the places you hang out? Do you feel safer cheating in another country?

 

You need to get a sense of how she's feeling and the books recommended, the Josephs letter and a read in the 'just found out JFO' forum in surviving.infidelity.com will help you know how a betrayed spouse feels.

[elaine567]

Tell her the truth and answer her questions.

Trickle truthing is a very painful part of reconciliation for the BS.

I think it is cruel to try and minimise by telling her it was 3 women now and in 6 months time it is 5 women and in 5 years you eventually tell her the real truth as you can no longer keep it a secret. She may walk not because of what you did, she may walk because you keep on lying to her.

It is a complete waste of everyone's time.

YOU will not be very comfortable sitting on lies and the lies will ruin your marriage too.

How can she ever trust a man who continues to lie to her, how can you save your marriage if it is all based on a big fat lie?

 

She sounds like a straightforward and true, honest woman, who is putting her heart on the line for you. The least you can do is show her the same courtesy and come clean.