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Any single OMs out there?


BoaConstrictor

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BoaConstrictor

As a MW trying to extricate myself from an EA with a single OM, I come to this particular sub-forum to remind myself of all the reasons why I should continue a strict NC policy. I am confronted daily, almost hourly, with all the reasons why I have to break this bond because of my husband, but it's also helpful to get reminders of how continued contact also hurts the OM.

 

 

I haven't noticed that many OMs floating around LS. Is it because more MM have affairs with unattached OW, or is it just cycles?

 

Either way, all you OMs out there who were unfortunate enough to fall for a married woman who did not want to leave her husband for you, here's you chance to tell me all the reasons why I should stay strong and let you go. []

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If you are not going to end it for yourself or your husband, with all due respect, what possible reason could an OM provide that would persuade you to end it? Is there really a more convincing reason than the overwhelming pain you will experience when your husband finds out? It will turn your whole world upside down.

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BoaConstrictor
If you are not going to end it for yourself or your husband, with all due respect, what possible reason could an OM provide that would persuade you to end it? Is there really a more convincing reason than the overwhelming pain you will experience when your husband finds out? It will turn your whole world upside down.

 

My husband knows. It's over. But anyone who's ended an affair before knows that we can use all the ongoing encouragement we can throughout the extrication process. And I mean the emotional extrication process. Sorry if I wasn't entirely clear in the original post.

 

FWIW, I've noticed on here that xMM seem to contact OWs quite a bit. At least so far in my case, it has only been the OM who has broken NC once we finally committed to NC.

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Not always. I usually implement NC and usually break it. I was not single when A started but I am now. He breaks it because of the emotional component, hard to let that go.

 

You need to stay away leave him be, because you have nothing to offer him other than pain. You said he was dating? Is that right? You have a husband aND have no intention of leaving. So the kindest thing you can do for him if he means anything to you is leave him alone.

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Sorry for the misunderstanding. Romantic affairs are difficult to get over regardless of gender. When you factor in trying to break emotional bonds out of a sense of duty and not desire, you're really putting yourself to task. I'm sorry I don't know what to say as I've never been in that position.

 

Can I ask what you would say if you contacted him? Is it there are things left unsaid that you feel you need to tell him that will help him move on or would you want to contact him because you miss him? If it's the latter, please understand that expressing those sentiments will only hurt you both because you made a choice to stay married.

 

IMO, the MM contacting the OW is not so much a gender issue but related to the role played in the triangle. They're the ones who initiated the NC 95% of the time, so the ball is in their court per se.

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BoaConstrictor
Not always. I usually implement NC and usually break it. I was not single when A started but I am now. He breaks it because of the emotional component, hard to let that go.

 

You need to stay away leave him be, because you have nothing to offer him other than pain. You said he was dating? Is that right? You have a husband aND have no intention of leaving. So the kindest thing you can do for him if he means anything to you is leave him alone.

 

No, he's not dating, although he has expressed a wish to find someone. He hasn't been with anyone in a long time. Long story, but I would be really happy if he would find someone.

 

I find my own emotional reactions to him very, very complicated and hard to unpack. I know the kindest thing I can do for him is to not respond to him. I'm able to stick to it by and large when he doesn't initiate. But when he does, I find it very hard not to respond.

 

Why? Because I do care about him. I do want to know how is doing. I miss him. Sometimes I think if I could split myself in two, I would.

 

One thing that helps me is having a open transparency with my husband. I tell him when the OM sends me a message and also tell him if I respond. This definitely keeps me from writing him. I would recommend it for any WS who really wants to be NC.

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As a MW trying to extricate myself from an EA with a single OM, I come to this particular sub-forum to remind myself of all the reasons why I should continue a strict NC policy. I am confronted daily, almost hourly, with all the reasons why I have to break this bond because of my husband, but it's also helpful to get reminders of how continued contact also hurts the OM.
If your priority is your family, that's your priority. Other people are transitory and unremarkable.

 

 

I haven't noticed that many OMs floating around LS. Is it because more MM have affairs with unattached OW, or is it just cycles?
Mostly because men, in general, don't bother with discussion forums related to relationships. The amount of men who regularly post here over years is infinitesimal. I think I've seen less than ten over the 8 or so years I've been around, 4 of that as the oldest moderator. In general, men who are successful with women don't remain as OM's for more than a brief period unless pursuit indicates she's ready to ditch her marriage. In my demographic men often test those waters with any married woman and, if no joy, move on to the next one. If the MW goes NC, poof, the guy is gone, onto the next deal. Their goal is either sex or a new partner and roadblocks are uninteresting.

 

Either way, all you OMs out there who were unfortunate enough to fall for a married woman who did not want to leave her husband for you, here's you chance to tell me all the reasons why I should stay strong and let you go. []

 

Yeah, back in the day, early 20's, I fell for one who later disclosed she was married and, much later, shared that she was a serial/concurrent MW. My interaction was apparently to function as a shield to extricate her from a PA she was having with her employer, she said. She would go on to have other affairs with different men over her 20+ year M. Typical? Probably not. However, I've met many MW's over the decades and they taught me a lot about the range of female behaviors. My wife taught me the rest.

 

Don't worry about the OM, he'll be fine. If you want to focus on your family, get the help you need or want to do it if you don't find the focus naturally occurring with NC. It'll work out.

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BoaConstrictor

Can I ask what you would say if you contacted him? Is it there are things left unsaid that you feel you need to tell him that will help him move on or would you want to contact him because you miss him? If it's the latter, please understand that expressing those sentiments will only hurt you both because you made a choice to stay married.

 

Asking myself these questions is often how I keep myself from messaging him. Usually I want to contact him because I miss him. Pure and simple. It's like a steam valve in my heart. The pressure and the pain builds up so much that I want to let off some steam. Sure, contacting him might temporarily lessen the pain and pressure, but long term it's going to make it harder. Plus, it's unkind to him and my husband.

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Sometimes I think if I could split myself in two, I would.

 

My only other advice would be research split-self affairs. Decide if it applies to you or not. IMO, you should seek IC because what you described is very difficult to process alone. I wish you the best.

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Ok. Here it comes. This is my tough love. Please don't take offense and just think about it ok?

 

Why? Because I do care about him. I do want to know how is doing. I miss him. Sometimes I think if i could split myself in two, I would.

 

You you YOU you you.

 

Maybe this is why you had the affair because you were thinking more about you than your family

 

YOU are thinking how you feel about talking to him. Well what you don't realize or see is that YOU breaking NC hurts HIM. And you claim to care about him but do you really? Because you're thinking about Yourself more right now

 

Just some thoughts...seen from the outside. I hope you can find peace and heal your marriage

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Jersey born raised

I do not thnk it is completely over for you, the OM or your husband. In an earlier post you discussed your thoughts on snooping. If you have not experienced what your husband has you cannot begin to understand the sudden need to independently verify.

 

I think it would be very common for a single other man to keep trying. Remember all he knows is the fantasy, not the reality. So yes he wants the fantasy and will keep chasing it as you seem to be his only hope. I say only hope because why does he have to go on line to connect with a woman instead of in person? Your past posts indicated he wants you in his life full time, one on one, permant relationship not NSA sex.

 

Years ago I read that married woman would want an AP to be married to protect her marrage from him threaten to expose her. If I remenber right that was the purpose of Ashely Madison. (I read that perhaps 80% of the woman on it where spam boxes)

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Here's all the encouragement you need from a BS. Your EA was not real!

 

First of all, the excitement and sparks from a new relationship, cannot easily be replicated in an existing relationship. All the stories and conversations are new ones, never told related to each other. That whole learning process combined with the excitement a different person, causes chemical relations in the brain, essentially causing an addition.

 

Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

 

Secondly, the affair is free of all the outside forces that affect your marriage. Stress, money, children, relatives, etc. etc. etc : They just don't matter when your involved in an affair.

 

The secrecy, and fantasy adds another dimension; You can be anybody you want and life is easy and great. And that leads to the high possibility that your OM is not everything he say he is and you may be gullible for believing him.

 

Does your husband know that you seem to have these feelings to break NC. If my wife told me this, I would send he out the door. I would refuse to compete with a Fantasy, a Sham and a Lie.

 

IF you want your marriage to last you have to ask yourself what in your relationship with your husband is missing, and find out how to get that back .... or just divorce him. Its not about you and your OM, its about you and your BS, who you barley mentioned here. So who exactly are you staying married for?

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I would think that we don't get a lot of single OM on here because mostly they won't be overly upset by their own situation. As a former single man it was mostly just bang what you can when you can and move on when you can't. No worries or emotional upset to cause me to post on sites like this.

 

I'd suggest avoiding all contact with him and go cold turkey. It'll hurt for a while but it'll get better. Meanwhile he will find himself another woman, if he hasn't already.

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Asking myself these questions is often how I keep myself from messaging him. Usually I want to contact him because I miss him. Pure and simple. It's like a steam valve in my heart. The pressure and the pain builds up so much that I want to let off some steam. Sure, contacting him might temporarily lessen the pain and pressure, but long term it's going to make it harder. Plus, it's unkind to him and my husband.

 

The above......prob y you started A. Why don't you have this w your husband? That's the question you should be asking since you don't want to leave. Why did you start A? Why don't you want to leave M?

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BoaConstrictor
My only other advice would be research split-self affairs. Decide if it applies to you or not. IMO, you should seek IC because what you described is very difficult to process alone. I wish you the best.

I started IC about two months ago. It has been tremendously helpful to unpack all the reasons why I did what I did. I have a pretty good handle on it and am now working through the ways to strengthen my marriage.

 

YOU are thinking how you feel about talking to him. Well what you don't realize or see is that YOU breaking NC hurts HIM. And you claim to care about him but do you really? Because you're thinking about Yourself more right now

I mostly agree, although I might add that he tends to be the one who breaks contact first. I am learning how to not respond when he messages me. And yes, I should block him and have discussed with my therapist all the complicated reasons why I haven't.

 

Does your husband know that you seem to have these feelings to break NC. If my wife told me this, I would send he out the door. I would refuse to compete with a Fantasy, a Sham and a Lie.

 

IF you want your marriage to last you have to ask yourself what in your relationship with your husband is missing, and find out how to get that back .... or just divorce him. Its not about you and your OM, its about you and your BS, who you barley mentioned here. So who exactly are you staying married for?

Yes, he knows all about my struggles with NC. Thankfully for me he doesn't agree with breaking up our 10+ year marriage over my ongoing NC struggle. He cheated on someone before and has been through break-ups and understands the complex emotions involved.

 

Just because I didn't mention my husband in this thread, which was directed at OMs, doesn't mean that I don't consider him. 90% of my IC revolves around our marriage.

 

But your comment is fruitful for me, in that it reminds me when I read posts on here not to extrapolate so much from someone's post. It's only a snippet of what is going on.

 

I do believe it is entirely possible to develop feelings for another person, even in a happy marriage. It certainly happened to me. You see, a marriage can be happy and successful without a person being happy. I would say in my case I made this mistake because of other problems in my life and because of untreated depression.

 

If I've learned anything through this is that life and human emotions are extremely complicated. And that marriage is a choice. And never say never. And lots of other painful lessons.

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BoaConstrictor
Meanwhile he will find himself another woman, if he hasn't already.

Haha. I really like this thought and hope you are right, though based on all the things he said to me, I'm not betting on it. :(

 

Look, he could have totally been blowing smoke, trying his damnest to get me in his bed. Hell, I don't doubt it. But some of the things he said didn't make any sense from that vantage point.

 

But I don't pretend to understand you mens. :laugh:

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BoaConstrictor

The more I think about it the more I'm coming round to this idea that most single OM are likely in it just for the sex and perhaps hold no illusion that the MW will leave their husbands. In fact, maybe they don't want to. Or, possibly like someone mentioned upthread, MW gravitate towards having affairs with MM instead, in large part because either they don't want to be exposed or because they interact more with MM.

 

Who knows.

 

I'm still not sure where my OM falls in all this, nor does it ultimately matter. But my analytical mind does want to work through it all. I guess it's up to me (and my therapist) to decide when the post-mortem on all this becomes more unhealthy than therapeutic.

 

Dwelling isn't good; understanding is.

 

But this whole idea that NC should automatically be easy for the person who got involved in either a PA or an EA kind of baffles me. It defies human nature. And where does that leave those who have strayed and are trying to find their way back? Should we lie about the fact that it is very hard? I thought transparency and honesty were the best things to bring about healing in the marriage.

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The more I think about it the more I'm coming round to this idea that most single OM are likely in it just for the sex and perhaps hold no illusion that the MW will leave their husbands. In fact, maybe they don't want to. Or, possibly like someone mentioned upthread, MW gravitate towards having affairs with MM instead, in large part because either they don't want to be exposed or because they interact more with MM.

 

Who knows.

 

I'm still not sure where my OM falls in all this, nor does it ultimately matter. But my analytical mind does want to work through it all. I guess it's up to me (and my therapist) to decide when the post-mortem on all this becomes more unhealthy than therapeutic.

 

Dwelling isn't good; understanding is.

 

But this whole idea that NC should automatically be easy for the person who got involved in either a PA or an EA kind of baffles me. It defies human nature. And where does that leave those who have strayed and are trying to find their way back? Should we lie about the fact that it is very hard? I thought transparency and honesty were the best things to bring about healing in the marriage.

 

Who ever said NC should be easy? It's just necessary. Affairs can be addictive and keeping the source of your addiction in your life is a threat to marital reconciliation.....and a source of pain to the BS who the WS should be putting first.

 

It's like saying ....this dog bit my child and disfigured them and altered their life forever....and still allowing that dog to live in your home. Firstly your child could be bit again and secondly your child shouldn't have to have any contact with the source of that much pain in their life . Even if your husband brought the dog into your his life.

 

And for the OWs, contact is just a con stent source of pain and rejection and sadness for them. They need to remove the cancer from their lives and live healthy

 

Nc is not easy and I don't think anyone expects it to be

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Who ever said NC should be easy? It's just necessary. Affairs can be addictive and keeping the source of your addiction in your life is a threat to marital reconciliation.....and a source of pain to the BS who the WS should be putting first.

 

It's like saying ....this dog bit my child and disfigured them and altered their life forever....and still allowing that dog to live in your home. Firstly your child could be bit again and secondly your child shouldn't have to have any contact with the source of that much pain in their life . Even if your husband brought the dog into your his life.

 

And for the OWs, contact is just a con stent source of pain and rejection and sadness for them. They need to remove the cancer from their lives and live healthy

 

Nc is not easy and I don't think anyone expects it to be

 

I was basing this off Doorstopper's comment: "Does your husband know that you seem to have these feelings to break NC. If my wife told me this, I would send he out the door. I would refuse to compete with a Fantasy, a Sham and a Lie."

 

Look, I know an ongoing desire on the part of the WS to break NC is tremendously hurtful to the BS. But struggling with feelings is inherent to the process. I completely agree with you. It's likely never easy. I don't think it's a sign that my marriage is a sham or that I should re-consider my decision.

 

I accept my role as the primary "villain" in this story, but OM/OW more often than not go in with eyes open as well. The first time OM initiated contact with me, he already knew that I was married.

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Gotcha...thanks for explaining.

 

I do know that my WH struggles with NC..... not really that he wants to contact her but is just sad he doesn't know her anymore. He cared about her and spent a lot of time during the workday on texts and all that so there's a void there that is present.

 

I wouldn't kick him out the door for this, and he isn't wavering on contacting her. He's accepted that is a condition of R. But I also know there will be a grieving process he goes through too.

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NC is never easy. Not at all..

 

I don't know if this will help......My AP is married, I am now single. I never asked or expected him to leave. It was a given. Did I hope of course, but not realistic. And although yes I have the power to choose an make my own choices.

 

I reach out to him and he responds. He doesn't want to hurt me, right much like you say you don't want to hurt your OM. But you are. Because every response only renews a false hope that will never come to fruition.

 

You can grieve. Yes its expected, but don't grieve to him. Don't pull him back in. Because there is no point. You can write out what you want to say to him. You can talk to your therapist. Eventually possibly your spouse (not sure since I have not been on that side).

 

The distance with OM, IC and hopefully some renewed emotional connection w your H will make the pain less.

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I think you're overvaluing the importance of this guy... in 10 years are you going to look back and think of him as the great love of your life?

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BoaConstrictor
NC is never easy. Not at all..

 

I don't know if this will help......My AP is married, I am now single. I never asked or expected him to leave. It was a given. Did I hope of course, but not realistic. And although yes I have the power to choose an make my own choices.

 

I reach out to him and he responds. He doesn't want to hurt me, right much like you say you don't want to hurt your OM. But you are. Because every response only renews a false hope that will never come to fruition.

 

You can grieve. Yes its expected, but don't grieve to him. Don't pull him back in. Because there is no point. You can write out what you want to say to him. You can talk to your therapist. Eventually possibly your spouse (not sure since I have not been on that side).

 

The distance with OM, IC and hopefully some renewed emotional connection w your H will make the pain less.

 

Can I ask why you reach out still? Is it that you still hope? Are you testing the waters to see if he'll respond? It does frustrate me a bit that NC holds for me and not him. Yes, of course I can always block him, which is probably what I'll have to do eventually.

 

The last time he wrote, I responded very briefly and with no flourish. I certainly don't grieve to him or tell him what I'm thinking or feeling. If he writes another quick and meaningless e-mail to me -- something like "Hope you had a great week" or whatever -- I'll try my darndest not to respond. But like you, I'm only human too. It's hard. I never thought I'd be in this position. Our emotional connection/flirtation was very short. I've never met him in person. It's crazy how these things can develop. I've had feelings for other men before in our marriage, but it's the reciprocation that makes this demonstrably different.

 

I have found it helpful to have a Word document in which I throw my thoughts unfiltered. That's kept me from writing him many times.

 

I think you're overvaluing the importance of this guy... in 10 years are you going to look back and think of him as the great love of your life?

No. With my therapist I've been engaging in "thought experiments", which I have found really helpful. For instance, what would happen if I left my husband for this person? Mind you, I have no intention of doing this. That's what makes it a thought experiment. Is there a slight chance that he's my soulmate and that I would connect with him on a deeper level than I even connect with my husband? Maybe. Is it likely? No. Is it worth giving up a happy marriage for the chance of a happier one? Never.

 

Working through these types of scenarios are useful in the letting go process. It's also helpful to see my marriage as a choice. I'm not sure I did before this. I'm not sure I thought about it in those terms at all.

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I haven't read all replies but just had a random thought.

 

Of course single men are in affairs for the sex.

 

Do you think they want to MARRY a woman who's already proven she can't be a faithful wife?

 

Nope. Sex. Maybe some kind feelings...but they're not looking for a soulmate

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If he's unattractive to single women (especially attractive ones), he will hang onto you. If he can get an attractive single woman, he will dump you.

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