I would like to hear from the OW about this

[MargR]

My H had an affair with a co-worker. She is someone I know. My H and I actually went to her wedding years ago.

 

I was totally blindsided by all of this. It felt like a double betrayal - almost incestuous actually.

 

My H and I have reconciled and got our marriage back on track. It wasn't easy trying to get past the pain of his (their) betrayal. I asked him to write a letter to the other woman's husband apologizing for his actions. He did and I was the one to mail it.

 

I know this guy and we met, talked soon after D-day, and he was feeling just like I did. Part of ending the affair is claiming ownership for one's actions by the cheaters. I felt that if my H was truly sorry he did what he did, apologizing is part of the process.

 

Now just to be clear, words are easy to say, and even easier to write. It is actions that matter. None the less, I know that when that guy read my H's letter, it had to have helped assuage the pain - if even just a little.

 

I hate the OW. Every day I pray she gets what she deserves ten fold.

I hope she rots in hell. This is how I feel because of what she did.

 

I can't help but think how stupid she is. It would have been nice of her

to have contacted me with an apology.

 

One day sooner rather than later, I am sure we will run into one another.

I can promise you, I will make a scene. I will rather enjoy it. I would feel differently if this woman had an ounce of humility.

 

So what's the deal? Is she thinking she still has a chance with my H?

I just don't get it. Thoughts?

[eye of the storm]

MargR, everyone recovers or moves past an A in their own way. Your WH wrote a letter of apology to his APs H. They might be healing or moving on a different way.

 

You say if youR H was sorry he should apologize. Not that your H wanted to apologize. You also say reading the letter probably helped the other BS. We often project our feelings and needs on others. An apology was what you wanted. And it is a valid want.

 

There are many reasons why she hasn't contact you...shame, guilt, he said no contact....no way to know.

 

I understand your anger at her. Praying every day for her to be punished keeps you tied to her. I used to say the rage kept me warm at night, it protected me. And in the beginning maybe it did, but eventually all the hate started to turn me bitter. I had to let go of my rage, my hate, and find peace. I had to let go so I could be happy again.

 

I would talk about all these feelings with your counselor. Good luck.

[Scorpio Chick]

[quote=MargR;7146400

My H and I have reconciled and got our marriage back on track. It wasn't easy trying to get past the pain of his (their) betrayal.

 

I hate the OW. Every day I pray she gets what she deserves ten fold.

I hope she rots in hell. This is how I feel because of what she did

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I do think wishing for her to rot in hell is extreme. As I bolded your own words, this was THEIR betrayal. Do you wish the same for your husband - HE broke his vow to you, not her.

 

I think your anger might be misdirected. I took 2 to cheat and his betrayal is far, far worse in relation to you than hers is. You both went to her wedding, and apparently he had no problem cheating on you with her.

 

I doubt she would contact you to apologize which isn't stupid, it's logical. Would you believe it was sincere? My problem isn't your understandable anger at her but that you're still with your husband yet still violently mad at her. Why does he get a pass?

[merrmeade]

MargR, everyone recovers or moves past an A in their own way. Your WH wrote a letter of apology to his APs H. They might be healing or moving on a different way.

 

You say if youR H was sorry he should apologize. Not that your H wanted to apologize. You also say reading the letter probably helped the other BS. We often project our feelings and needs on others. An apology was what you wanted. And it is a valid want.

 

There are many reasons why she hasn't contact you...shame, guilt, he said no contact....no way to know.

 

I understand your anger at her. Praying every day for her to be punished keeps you tied to her. I used to say the rage kept me warm at night, it protected me. And in the beginning maybe it did, but eventually all the hate started to turn me bitter. I had to let go of my rage, my hate, and find peace. I had to let go so I could be happy again.

 

I would talk about all these feelings with your counselor. Good luck.

Agree with the first but not the second. Yes, I think it's what you needed - the apology to the other BS but so what? We all misplace that rage and - so what? There's just no one way, no right way, no wrong way to feel it. The main thing is to feel it, look at it, discuss it, think about it - but feel it without breaking any laws. Counseling is definitely helpful but condescension that dismisses your pain/rage is not.

 

I felt this toward the OW for years and only just now am beginning to pull out of it. But I need to. It's self-destructive. The only thing that's helped me is realizing why it is that she doesn't get it and won't. I really dissected that one and am convinced she could not, cannot and will never be willing or able to get it.

 

I know exactly what you're feeling though and the reason for it is the reason why your husband's acknowledgement to the other BS was so important to you: acknowledgement. I could not move beyond the need for this and it consumed me. It affected my relationship with a lot of people if they didn't understand it. But I finally realized the person that needed to understand was me. That's ALL I can do about it - but it's everything.

[Whoknew30]

What is making a scene going to do but make anyone watching think "now wonder why her husband cheated, she's crazy"...yes people say they understand someone behaving that way, until they see it & then they turn on you.

 

It sucks, but your energy should be on your H & your relationship. She doesn't deserve anymore of your time & or effort. Hate takes a toll on someone & gives them power over you. She's not worth it.

[elaine567]

My H had an affair with a co-worker. I asked him to write a letter to the other woman's husband apologizing for his actions. He did and I was the one to mail it.

 

I know this guy and we met, talked soon after D-day, and he was feeling just like I did. Part of ending the affair is claiming ownership for one's actions by the cheaters. I felt that if my H was truly sorry he did what he did, apologizing is part of the process.

 

Now just to be clear, words are easy to say, and even easier to write. It is actions that matter. None the less, I know that when that guy read my H's letter, it had to have helped assuage the pain - if even just a little.

 

 

You have no idea how that letter made him really feel. He probably still hates your husband as much as you hate the OW. That letter made YOU feel better as it was a kick in the teeth to the OW. YOU wanted your husband to end the affair and apologizing to the husband made sure SHE got the message.

 

As for the OW, it is impossible to say why she didn't apologise to you.

OWs tend not to want to get involved with the BW, the BW either doesn't really exist the mind of the OW, or the BW is "mad, bad and dangerous" to know, so she avoids her.

She may hate you as much as you hate her. WHs are very good at painting very bad pictures of their wives and if he future faked her a lot too, then you are now the "winner".

The "loser" doesn't want to apologise to the "winner" do they?

[eye of the storm]

Merrmead, if I came off as condescending, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to in the least. I totally agree with your post.

 

I hated both my H and the OW so much, the rage...it consumed me. I had to accept neither of them cared about the damage they did. I had to accept I would not get my answers or closure. And I had to let go because I was poisoning myself with hatred. I wasn't hurting them, I was hurting me.

 

That is what I was trying to convey, letting go, accepting, moving on...not for them but for her.

[Whoknew30]

MargR, everyone recovers or moves past an A in their own way. Your WH wrote a letter of apology to his APs H. They might be healing or moving on a different way.

 

You say if youR H was sorry he should apologize. Not that your H wanted to apologize. You also say reading the letter probably helped the other BS. We often project our feelings and needs on others. An apology was what you wanted. And it is a valid want.

 

There are many reasons why she hasn't contact you...shame, guilt, he said no contact....no way to know.

 

I understand your anger at her. Praying every day for her to be punished keeps you tied to her. I used to say the rage kept me warm at night, it protected me. And in the beginning maybe it did, but eventually all the hate started to turn me bitter. I had to let go of my rage, my hate, and find peace. I had to let go so I could be happy again.

 

I would talk about all these feelings with your counselor. Good luck.

 

Agreed, the "making him" write an apology letter & her mailing it, means absolutely nothing, she might as well had wrote it herself. She's focused on the wrong things, that aren't going to help reconciliation but we all learn on our time time.

[MargR]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The apology letter was important to me because I asked my H to do it and he did - for me. That was what really mattered.

 

I think that saying my hatred of the OW ties me to her is a mis-characterization of the situation. My hated is only a feeling. She actually did things. Things that she hoped would end my marriage so she could step in and have my life. She earned my hatred.

 

As for giving my H a pass. Huh? He came crawling to me on his knees. I still have a lawyer on retainer. He works every day to be a better husband.

 

As for winners and loser . . . I just don't see it that way. I think we all lost. I didn't win my husband. I already had him. He strayed. He had no intention of leaving.

 

I do wonder what she thinks. If I did not know her, if she were just some random hook up, I'd feel differently. I think all this bothers me because I know her and her H.

 

Shame, Guilt, Remorse? I do not think she is capable.

 

I just want her to get what she brought on herself.

[BaileyB]

I agree that your anger is somewhat misdirected. It takes two to tango. Your husband is just as much at fault in the betrayal than the OW.

 

You should be focusing on healing your relationship with your husband, if that is what you've decided you want for the relationship. To focus your anger on the other woman is easy, but it would serve you well to try to forget her and focus on your relationship with your husband.

[eightytwenty]

First... The anger you feel at her is well deserved, but she wasn't married to you. Your H was, that's where it needs to be fixed...

 

Making a scene in front of a bunch of people to get at her? How is that going to help? I would act like she never existed.

Go through this process, you need to heal, your H needs to help you with that, it'll be a roller coaster. But put the OW in a shelf very far back in your mind and try to black her out.

[Whoknew30]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The apology letter was important to me because I asked my H to do it and he did - for me. That was what really mattered.

 

I think that saying my hatred of the OW ties me to her is a mis-characterization of the situation. My hated is only a feeling. She actually did things. Things that she hoped would end my marriage so she could step in and have my life. She earned my hatred.

 

As for giving my H a pass. Huh? He came crawling to me on his knees. I still have a lawyer on retainer. He works every day to be a better husband.

 

As for winners and loser . . . I just don't see it that way. I think we all lost. I didn't win my husband. I already had him. He strayed. He had no intention of leaving.

 

I do wonder what she thinks. If I did not know her, if she were just some random hook up, I'd feel differently. I think all this bothers me because I know her and her H.

 

Shame, Guilt, Remorse? I do not think she is capable.

 

I just want her to get what she brought on herself.

 

 

She got what was brought to herself...dealing with her BS. No different than your H, why do you think she "deserves" worse than him?

[MargR]

Actions have consequences. I would like to deliver up those consequences to her.

 

I feel like she caused me so much pain (and yes, my H did as well) but she is

is the one getting the free pass.

 

Her life goes on. I am the one who is left with the mess to clean up.

[Whoknew30]

Actions have consequences. I would like to deliver up those consequences to her.

 

I feel like she caused me so much pain (and yes, my H did as well) but she is

is the one getting the free pass.

 

Her life goes on. I am the one who is left with the mess to clean up.

 

She's dealing with her H, that's not a free pass...unless you feel you have your H a free pass. I understand being upset, but you're not making sense. You forgave your H but want her to "pay" more. She's going trough the same exact thing as you & your H...so why do you feel she is more at fault than your H? Why is he not your main focus. What if he does it again, who's fault then? Your real problem is him...she could have been anyone.

[Lady2163]

My H had an affair with a co-worker. She is someone I know. My H and I actually went to her wedding years ago.

 

I was totally blindsided by all of this. It felt like a double betrayal - almost incestuous actually.

 

My H and I have reconciled and got our marriage back on track. It wasn't easy trying to get past the pain of his (their) betrayal. I asked him to write a letter to the other woman's husband apologizing for his actions. He did and I was the one to mail it.

 

I know this guy and we met, talked soon after D-day, and he was feeling just like I did. Part of ending the affair is claiming ownership for one's actions by the cheaters. I felt that if my H was truly sorry he did what he did, apologizing is part of the process.

 

Now just to be clear, words are easy to say, and even easier to write. It is actions that matter. None the less, I know that when that guy read my H's letter, it had to have helped assuage the pain - if even just a little.

 

I hate the OW. Every day I pray she gets what she deserves ten fold.

I hope she rots in hell. This is how I feel because of what she did.

 

I can't help but think how stupid she is. It would have been nice of her

to have contacted me with an apology.

 

One day sooner rather than later, I am sure we will run into one another.

I can promise you, I will make a scene. I will rather enjoy it. I would feel differently if this woman had an ounce of humility.

 

So what's the deal? Is she thinking she still has a chance with my H?

I just don't get it. Thoughts?

 

I was an OW. I was then and am now single. I ended things, it was amicable. We are not in the same area. We still talk sporadically. There are national events we follow and communication increases during that season. I would say we are friends. We have consulted with each other on different life and work issues in the almost three years since it ended.

 

And I've been cheated on by boyfriends, but that is even longer ago.

 

I know you don't want to hear this again, but since you want to stay in your marriage, since you love your husband, you either have to forgive him or if you make his life miserable, he will eventually give up. No matter the betrayal, if he has done all that you've asked to reconcile, if you keep punishing him, you know he will choose to be happy. Life is too damn short.

 

So, since you have to forgive him, your anger is directed completely or lopsidededly at her. Since they were both consenting adults, both share the blame.

 

But since she is nothing in your life, you can afford to be mad at her. You can rage and be incensed. Because it will mean nothing to you if she does much of anything (barring being involved with your husband in anyway).

 

You need a good real-life counselor. I will add to the previous chorus of those who have already said if you make a scene in public, you will be in the wrong. If you scream at this woman and are even slightly aggressive, you will the one asked to leave. If you do this in front of her minor children (if she has any) you are a special kind of crazy and inhumane,

 

In our society today, if you intentionally push her, slap her, spill any kind of drink or food on her intentionally, you are guilty of assault.

 

I had an exboyfriend's new girlfriend punch me in public - once. I had a cell phone and called 9-11. Naturally, they cleared out before the police got there. But, there were witnesses who were reluctant, but felt compelled to tell the truth. They arrested the girlfriend, she spent the weekend in jail. Then she ended up with a healthy fine and probation. And she lost her job when her workplace found out.

 

I didn't hate her. I knew she was a victim of the loser ex and his lies. But her actions caused her a lot of problems. Many years later she sent a message through a mutual acquaintance that she was very sorry she had believed his stories. Quick story: he told her I was blackmailing him and he had to pay me $500 a month. Truth was: he owed me money and I had an IOU.

 

So, while this woman has done you wrong, you will bring on a lot of trouble and loss of face and reputation should you make the scene.

 

Again, you need to see a counselor to help you process everything you're feeling.

 

Also - as has already been said. You made your husband write the apology letter. I'm sure he loves you, but he's made a decision to stay married to you. You can create all sorts of tests and tasks for him and I'm sure he will do them. Until you push too far.

 

Now, as an OW....which gets harder for me to relate to everyday....

 

I have a background in both psychology and some legal knowledge. There is NO WAY I would ever apologize in writing. None. I had no DDAY, but if MM, ever said that he wanted to come clean and a letter from me might help, I still wouldn't do it. You're asking me to give incontrovertible proof I participated in being an awful person. I don't live in one of those states where the Other can be prosecuted for causing alienation of affection, but this could also give his wife proof in divorce proceedings. By the same token, I would be hesitant to speak with his wife for fear it could be recorded.

 

His affair happened because he is that 1%. Okay, I'm sure the statistics are much higher, but he is that rare breed where truly the wife stopped with regular sex shortly after the wedding day. It was good, but not great when they were dating. He underestimated the importance of really good, compatible sex. Otherwise, he is genuinely happy in the marriage. I think he needed a friend, someone who wasn't expecting him to be husband, father, boss, provider and problem solver. I've been married, after a while real life and other pressures can make people forget to ask their spouse, how was your day, how are you, what are you working on, is there anything I can do to help?

 

More than likely the Other and her spouse believe your husband was forced to write the letter.

[Patrice]

to her. From my perspective, you need to get some help with this.

[Scorpio Chick]

[quote=MargR;714640

 

So what's the deal? Is she thinking she still has a chance with my H?

I just don't get it. Thoughts?

MargR, all we could do is speculate on what she may be thinking. She might be holding out hope that one day he will be with her, and if so, that's pathetic...and disgusting if she's not trying to repair her own marriage.

 

Were you and she friends? Like, hanging out together? I think you're suffering a double beyrayal and that is painful. I couldn't imagine. I'm not married, never have been. Yikes, I'm a spinster. Ew. I never got physical with the married man I got involved with but I probably would have.

 

Honestly, and this is just I think circumstantial to me specifically, but I'm jealous or envious of his wife. Not only because she has him but I think she takes him and having a marriage and money, etc for granted. I think she should feel lucky etc.

 

But you know what? I could be DEAD WRONG with what I think about her. I don't know her. I realize this lady knows you, so I think it's totes understandable you're mind is churning over and over about her.

 

I wish you the best and I hope your hubby straightens up. From the lonely outside looking in, you married people are blessed.

[BaileyB]

Actions have consequences. I would like to deliver up those consequences to her.

 

I feel like she caused me so much pain (and yes, my H did as well) but she is

is the one getting the free pass.

 

Her life goes on. I am the one who is left with the mess to clean up.

 

You have no idea what is happening in her life. Perhaps, her marriage is just as miserable as you are feeling right now. You have no idea... And it is not your right or responsibility to dole out her punishment. You need to find a way to move past this anger or it will just continue to cause you pain and resentment.

 

You are directing your anger at her, because you can't direct it toward your husband if you are trying to reconcile. Fair enough. But, it is an exercise in futility. The problem that promoted him to stray are between you and your husband. Your anger should rightly be directed at him - he's the one who really betrayed you.

[Patrice]

You good with what he has done to other people?

[MargR]

Interesting points.

 

I am upset with BOTH my H and the OW. It is true that I cannot strike back at my H.

Maybe I have shifted my negativity disproportionately over to her.

 

It would have been easier had he screwed some random stranger.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want her to get what she brought on herself.

 

You're at a point in the process, not uncommon for BS during reconciliation. You have a tremendous pool of anger and resentment, has to go somewhere. If you're going to forgive your H, can't (long-term) direct it at him. She's the next closest target.

 

You get your life back when you stop caring about her. It continues to be your H's job to put you in a position to be able to do so.

 

Hope your choices bring your happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MidnightBlue1980]

As for the OW, it is impossible to say why she didn't apologise to you.

OWs tend not to want to get involved with the BW, the BW either doesn't really exist the mind of the OW, or the BW is "mad, bad and dangerous" to know, so she avoids her.

 

Yes, this. My H knew about the affair and spoke to xMM's wife a year ago. She did not believe what he said and believed her husband's version. I'm keeping it short to not hijack the thread. A year later she learned the whole story. Upon hearing this from xmm, I offered to speak with her as since she had just learned her husband had been lying to her the whole year in MC, she probably had questions and after my year of hell, I really don't care if she wanted to scream her head off of me, I was happy to do whatever to set her mind at ease that it was long over.

 

But xmm said no, that she would basically attack me physically, that she was crazy basically. I know she was watching me a few times on social media and he told me she was hiding, watching me once. I was scared. So in no way am I going to bother her, I don't need trouble. I feel she can certainly contact me if she wants, I know she has all my info. I certainly do not hate her. I feel badly for interfering and being a pawn in xmm's plan to hurt and control her.

 

To the OP, if it makes you feel better, I am sure the OW is in a world of hell. I spent the entire year considering suicide myself. And my advice for you would be, if you want to talk to her, don't be passive aggressive. I called my H's OW right up on the phone. I was a big deranged, yes, and I yelled my head off and I looked pretty crazy. But then we texted back and forth, she apologized and offered to meet for coffee, which I did not do. But if I had a lot of confusion or questions, I may have. But I recognized that while yes, she got involved with my husband, full on aware he was married, that was on him, not her. She got pretty hurt by him and still hates his guts a year later. I certainly do not pray to God for her demise. I blame him for it all.

 

You will never get a letter from her. It won't happen. I'm not a big let go and let God type, I need to confront the person personally. If you are like that, call her on up. Or email. Honestly, anything is better than sitting and stewing in a big pot of hatred. All that stress is terrible for you. I brought on a host of health problems for myself this year from the stress. I had 4 surgeries from it. Trust me, nothing is worth your health.

[BTDT2012]

I felt pity for the OW until she brought her child to my house to demand that my WH leave with her. After that, pretty much disgust for a woman who would expose her child to that. And it appears that all is good with her. Her fiance (who knew about her and my husband) married her anyway. My anger was reserved for my husband, who brought that ratchetness into my life.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I felt pity for the OW until she brought her child to my house to demand that my WH leave with her. After that, pretty much disgust for a woman who would expose her child to that. And it appears that all is good with her. Her fiance (who knew about her and my husband) married her anyway. My anger was reserved for my husband, who brought that ratchetness into my life.

 

See that is just so crazy. I can't help but always picture Glenn Close. Even if someone set me on fire, I still would not even email xmm, knowing that she is monitoring him. I could not imagine showing up at their house in a million thousand years. A person would have to be so over the edge emotionally.

 

Honestly, I would have called the cops.

[BTDT2012]

See that is just so crazy. I can't help but always picture Glenn Close. Even if someone set me on fire, I still would not even email xmm, knowing that she is monitoring him. I could not imagine showing up at their house in a million thousand years. A person would have to be so over the edge emotionally.

 

Honestly, I would have called the cops.

 

It was a very Jerry Springer point in our lives. I still can't believe it happened to me. I am quite reserved and calm in crisis. All I could think about was that poor little girl witnessing that mess.