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Asking for ultimate trust


deadend123

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3 months ago I discovered that my wife had was having an emotional affair. It was mainly via social media but they did meet up a couple of times although she swears it never became physical.

 

Anyway, I found out and it stopped and although it's been hard, we have actually become quite close again after some pretty excruciating soul searching.

 

The problem now, however, is that my wife has been offered a good job in the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away), with the plan of me joining her when my work contract finishes in about 8 months... Strangely, or perhaps naively, I do believe her that it's about her career, however I am very uncomfortable with it to say the least.

 

I'm not sure that I can emotionally compromise that much despite her saying how much she wants to continue as a couple, which I do too. I know it will be ridiculously hard when we are apart and she's there. Regardless of whether she does see him again, is being asked to put up with this too much? I don't want to give an ultimatum, me or the job, but if this happens, there's going to be some dark, paranoid times for sure!! However, if I say she can't (and she doesn't), I don't want to be resented for making her stay when she's unhappy in her current employment. I'm being asked for the ultimate trust but is it the ultimate gamble? But then again, if she wanted to move to be closer to him, I've already lost...

 

As much as I want to be cool with it as it is a good job, I'm still hurting from the betrayal and having this on top is just adding to it.

 

Any thoughts on this would be welcome.

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You'd be a fool to be cool with her taking that job. And the fact that she doesn't seem to care how her being in the same town as the guy she cheated (and dude if they met up, they probably did ****) on you with speaks volumes to where her head is at. Did you ever think maybe she wants this job because it's in the same town as that guy?? You need to tell her it's you or the job and tell her exactly why.

 

Hell you need to be asking yourself if you've been getting played for awhile. I mean no offense but you sound kind of naive.

Edited by JS84
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She is the one that created this mess. If she can't or wont see how harmful this is to your marriage then you should divorce her on that alone. I would tell her she can go if she wants. If she chooses to go you will take her choice as a indication of her efforts to repair the marriage and a divorce will follow right behind it. I personally don't suggest ever staying with a cheater. They work you over until they are setup with there new mate and then kick you to the curb holding all the bills and all the pain.

 

If she leaves your marriage is over. You can bank money she will be in his bed within a week of them being together.

 

Harsh. Maybe but sadly there is nothing soft about being cheated on.

 

C

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Many people move away from their ex affair partners... not closer. This is a recipe for disaster. Even if nothing were to happen it is just way to hard for you to watch your wife waltz of to live in the same town as her affair partner and leave you behind.

 

Are you sure it was only emotional. Since they met up more than once so you have messages between them that confirm them or you going by what you want to believe and her say so? I'm not one of those posters that likes to sensationalize stories but I've been in an affair. And while we did not take every oppurtunity to get it on... we did usually have some physical contact even if it was just a kiss, cuddle or hug.

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What are the odds that she randomly found a job in that same small town that's 1000's km away? Count all the places within that 1000's km radius and estimate the odds of that happening at random. I'll bet it's 100 to 1 at best. Do the math.

 

Much more likely she's been carrying on with this guy and deliberately looked for a job to be near him.

 

I'd do a bit of investigating how she found this job, if you can, then it's probably ultimatum time.

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Not even sure where to start. You've found us. Now, read. You'll get your answer why this is the worst idea ever.

 

Think about it for 5 seconds:

First, any affair, emotional or otherwise, survives on secrecy. That makes the wayward spouse (WS) a liar the first time and an experienced liar the 2nd, 3rd and more times she lies.

 

2nd, once the lying becomes second nature and the mind begins rationalizing the mounting breach of morals, WS and AP (affair partner) thinking and talking gets more and more convoluted and comfortable with reasons, excuses, and denial to make them okay with what they're doing.

OR

They go into denial and just lie and rationalize without discussing the details.

 

Either way, after a few weeks, months or years of feeling, doing and saying things they cannot share with their spouses, their judgment and thinking is so impaired that they have lost the ability to self-reflect honestly. Therefore, nothing they might promise or even be convinced of themselves can be trusted.

 

You have hardly even begun to realize this phenomena. You are still more familiar with your assumption that your spouse is loyal to you and honest. You haven't begun to scratch the surface of understanding what she's capable of.

 

3rd, given the intensity of feelings in an EA and the recent exposure, there's no way they woudn't jump at the opportunity. One of them would contact the other sooner or later, knowing that you'd never know. Possibly they're even using the ruse of openness and honesty before the fact to facilitate and take advantage of your trust.

 

4th, you have not realized yet what you need and deserve as a result of her cheating. You need 100% assurance that she will never see, write, talk to, receive correspondence from or otherwise interact in any way, shape or form with the AP.

 

And she - if she's committed 100% to reconciliation with you cannot have even the option of ever interacting with the AP. If she thinks she "can handle it," she's an idiot or - more likely - is still in the grips of her new delusional thinking that the EA has reinforced. In that mindset, everything is possible (if you want it now) and nothing is that big of a deal.

 

Conclusion: Neither of you have the judgment or objectivity right now to understand the ramifications of what has happened and what could happen. You're playing with dynamite if you consider for one second that she could live in the same city as the AP without you and avoid seeing or speaking to him.

 

Bottom line: It's not worth it.

 

That's my 2 cents just right off the top of my head. You'll hear more...

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But what everybody else said before me sounds more likely: Planned.

 

Yes this job change was planned.

 

 

Ask WW to take a polygraph test because she lied to you they did have sex. WW refusing to take the test is proof that it was a PA and the move there is to continue the PA.

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But what everybody else said before me sounds more likely: Planned.

 

It's true, it is possible it happened by chance but not probable. And if it did happen by chance, it is possible she is lying to herself that moving closer to him means nothing. Or she isn't. Either way, moving close to him DOES mean something. He in no way has to be okay with this. Nor feel like the bad guy if he does not go along with it.

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She is lying through her teeth. This is classic gas lighting.

 

No way you guys move to the other town. Do you have kids?

 

Understand this, the times they met up they screwed, not doubt about it. Adults do not date like teenagers.

 

So, this is the first lie she is telling.

 

If you don't have kids you need to divorce her. If you think I am wrong just read the infidelity boards for a night. You will understand what I am talking about.

 

You have the first wave of her lying to you. Everything that she has said is totally classic and standard.

 

Sorry but you just have a super long way to go to even begin understanding this.

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3 months ago I discovered that my wife had was having an emotional affair. It was mainly via social media but they did meet up a couple of times although she swears it never became physical.

 

Anyway, I found out and it stopped and although it's been hard, we have actually become quite close again after some pretty excruciating soul searching.

 

The problem now, however, is that my wife has been offered a good job in the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away), with the plan of me joining her when my work contract finishes in about 8 months... Strangely, or perhaps naively, I do believe her that it's about her career, however I am very uncomfortable with it to say the least.

 

I'm not sure that I can emotionally compromise that much despite her saying how much she wants to continue as a couple, which I do too. I know it will be ridiculously hard when we are apart and she's there. Regardless of whether she does see him again, is being asked to put up with this too much? I don't want to give an ultimatum, me or the job, but if this happens, there's going to be some dark, paranoid times for sure!! However, if I say she can't (and she doesn't), I don't want to be resented for making her stay when she's unhappy in her current employment. I'm being asked for the ultimate trust but is it the ultimate gamble? But then again, if she wanted to move to be closer to him, I've already lost...

 

As much as I want to be cool with it as it is a good job, I'm still hurting from the betrayal and having this on top is just adding to it.

 

Any thoughts on this would be welcome.

 

Why does this forum not have a facepalm smilie?? Tell me is being a doormat a profession or are you just gifted? Ughhh...

 

By the way if you wife met this guy and you really believe that they didn't get physical you are delusional...

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Grapesofwrath

I agree that you need more detail regarding the timing of the job application/interview/offer.

 

Did she apply for a job in his hometown while they were involved? Problem.

 

Did she apply for a job in his hometown after the EA was discovered by you and supposedly ended? Problem.

 

Did she have to travel there for an interview?

 

Do you have children, such that moving there would also mean uprooting them?

 

Is her work so very specialized that she could not find a viable option somewhere else?

Edited by Grapesofwrath
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I'm just curious about something. Whether or not this is planned, and whether or not she will honor her commitment to you when she gets the job in that hometown, don't you want a marriage where you don't have to police your wife's behavior and choices?

 

She is either inclined to hook up, in one way or another, with this guy or she isn't.

 

If she is, then isn't it in your best interest to let her go without a lot of fanfare?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd let her go, and I guess to satisfy my suspicions, I'd hire a PI there after about four weeks. You'll get your answer.

 

Wanting to keep your marriage is a two-way street. If you're not getting cooperation from the other end, and you have to take on the role of a hall monitor to keep her on the straight and narrow, then what's the point? What are you really gaining by having a spouse for whom you need to build walls around to keep her faithful and rely on lie detector tests to know if she's telling the truth? You might as well buy her an old-fashioned chastity belt and require her to wear it.

 

These guys all say it's a mistake. I see it as an opportunity for you to find out what you're really dealing with.

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I'm just curious about something. Whether or not this is planned, and whether or not she will honor her commitment to you when she gets the job in that hometown, don't you want a marriage where you don't have to police your wife's behavior and choices?

 

She is either inclined to hook up, in one way or another, with this guy or she isn't.

 

If she is, then isn't it in your best interest to let her go without a lot of fanfare?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd let her go, and I guess to satisfy my suspicions, I'd hire a PI there after about four weeks. You'll get your answer.

 

Wanting to keep your marriage is a two-way street. If you're not getting cooperation from the other end, and you have to take on the role of a hall monitor to keep her on the straight and narrow, then what's the point? What are you really gaining by having a spouse for whom you need to build walls around to keep her faithful and rely on lie detector tests to know if she's telling the truth? You might as well buy her an old-fashioned chastity belt and require her to wear it.

 

These guys all say it's a mistake. I see it as an opportunity for you to find out what you're really dealing with.

I'm not into overly policing people. But not only would this be torturous for the OP but it also takes time for WS to wean themselves off AP. If you have a problem with something you don't throw yourself in its way while you are still weak and before you have a chance to really work on things. She just got caught cheating and now wants to live in the same town... alone with her AP.

 

Sometimes you have to choose your spouse over family. I don't think he needs to waste money on a PI. Her reaction will be a good indicator on whether or not she wants to reconnect with him or not.

 

And generally speaking this isn't a simple decision this is a pretty big one moving a long ways from home. It isn't him policing her either. It is him saying that moving is past his comfort level and that is okay. He shouldn't have to trust her on this.

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The problem now, however, is that my wife has been offered a good job in the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away), with the plan of me joining her when my work contract finishes in about 8 months... Strangely, or perhaps naively, I do believe her that it's about her career, however I am very uncomfortable with it to say the least.

 

Let's say I wanted to continue my affair after D-Day.

 

Hmmmm. I'd immediately find a job far away in my AP's home town, knowing full well my BS couldn't accompany me due to existing obligations. That way I'd have the better part of a year alone with my OM so I could fully vet the possibility of a divorce and new life while my BS waited in the wings.

 

But no spouse would ever agree to that, right :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Did you know that cheaters lie a lot. They met up it was a sexual affair.

 

If they have contact it will continue if it isn't ongoing.

 

Don't be naive.

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t also takes time for WS to wean themselves off AP. If you have a problem with something you don't throw yourself in its way while you are still weak and before you have a chance to really work on things. She just got caught cheating and now wants to live in the same town
I think that's my point. SHE has to want to wean herself off AP.
...It is him saying that moving is past his comfort level and that is okay. He shouldn't have to trust her on this.
Yeah, it's ok, but I don't see it as being great.

 

1) She wants to be near AP. He should let her go.

 

2) She honestly just wants this job. It's a coincidence, and she'll keep herself on the straight and narrow. He should let her go.

 

Any discomfort he has is an expression of mistrust. I'm not saying he's wrong about that. I'm just saying that he gains nothing by keeping her here. She can still get her ducks in a row to move later, and he actually does have to police her here if his goal is PREVENTION. I'm simply suggesting his goal should be CERTAINTY. If she leaves, he can quickly gain near certainty about her intentions by acting on his mistrust and exercising a little bit of stealthy due diligence.

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Here's an idea....how about a polygraph?

 

1. was the affair limited to Emotion or was there a Physical component?

2. do you intend to see the OM if you move to the new job?

3. did you apply for the new position knowing it was where the AM lives?

 

this will tell you what you want to know....

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Please don't be naive about your wife's intentions. If she met with man that she had an emotional affair with, it would be foolish of you to believe that this job change was completely unexpected. Your wife is trying to move closer to her OM under the guise of career advancement and she expects you to be the willing schmuck who is none the wiser while she continues her affair.

 

Tell your wife that she can always find a career opportunity which will not place her in close proximity to the man she had an affair with. If your wife doesn't respect your concerns, then there is no reason to stay with a woman who obviously isn't interested in being faithful. Nobody who is remorseful about an affair has the audacity to suggest moving closer to the side piece!

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Please don't be naive about your wife's intentions. If she met with man that she had an emotional affair with, it would be foolish of you to believe that this job change was completely unexpected. Your wife is trying to move closer to her OM under the guise of career advancement and she expects you to be the willing schmuck who is none the wiser while she continues her affair.

 

Tell your wife that she can always find a career opportunity which will not place her in close proximity to the man she had an affair with. If your wife doesn't respect your concerns, then there is no reason to stay with a woman who obviously isn't interested in being faithful. Nobody who is remorseful about an affair has the audacity to suggest moving closer to the side piece!

 

 

I agree with BD here....additionally you say you discovered this, not that she confessed to you. The odds are just too great here that they had a plan and now you're being asked to approve it....she created this sh_t storm....moving closer to the OM for any reason is not helping the M recover from her betrayal. ASK her how this will help you two recover and then add the question to the Polygraph list I provided : Do you intend and want to stay married and faithful to deadend.....

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Mrs. John Adams
3 months ago I discovered that my wife had was having an emotional affair. It was mainly via social media but they did meet up a couple of times although she swears it never became physical.

 

Anyway, I found out and it stopped and although it's been hard, we have actually become quite close again after some pretty excruciating soul searching.

 

The problem now, however, is that my wife has been offered a good job in the (smallish) home town of the other guy, which she wants to take.. (we currently live 1000's of KMs away), with the plan of me joining her when my work contract finishes in about 8 months... Strangely, or perhaps naively, I do believe her that it's about her career, however I am very uncomfortable with it to say the least.

 

I'm not sure that I can emotionally compromise that much despite her saying how much she wants to continue as a couple, which I do too. I know it will be ridiculously hard when we are apart and she's there. Regardless of whether she does see him again, is being asked to put up with this too much? I don't want to give an ultimatum, me or the job, but if this happens, there's going to be some dark, paranoid times for sure!! However, if I say she can't (and she doesn't), I don't want to be resented for making her stay when she's unhappy in her current employment. I'm being asked for the ultimate trust but is it the ultimate gamble? But then again, if she wanted to move to be closer to him, I've already lost...

 

As much as I want to be cool with it as it is a good job, I'm still hurting from the betrayal and having this on top is just adding to it.

 

Any thoughts on this would be welcome.

 

First...You need to be completely honest with your wife. It really doesn't matter how we as loveshackers feel about your situation....what matters is how YOU feel. I can totally understand that you are worried....that you have doubts....that you don't want her to take the job....and you have every right to feel that way. But You should tell her exactly how you feel about it.

 

You have the right to demand that your wife NOT take this job...but it would be better if she was sensitive enough to the pain she has caused you...and not even consider it. She should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable...and it would be really nice if she volunteered this on her own instead of you having to demand it.

 

If she is in any way remorseful for her affair...she should be completely transparent to you...with all passwords to all accounts...she should give you a detailed itinerary every day. She should welcome you asking questions. She should be doing everything she can to help you to feel safe.

 

Her considering this job is a very good indication that she is still self absorbed. She is strictly thinking about herself and not about your relationship. Not only because her boyfriend lives in the place where the new job is...but because you are fresh out of an affair discovery and the last thing either of you need is to be apart.

 

If she expresses resentment to you after you tell her how you feel...it is a very good indication that things are not right in your relationship. Your marriage should be first and foremost in her mind...not a new job away from you and where her boyfriend is.

 

If she gets angry...if she tries to put you on a guilt trip...if she cops an attitude....I think you know that means she is placing herself above your marriage.... and it very well might be time to let her take the job and serve her divorce papers. Sometimes a reality check is necessary for waywards to understand the severity of their actions.

 

I won't speculate on whether or not her affair was emotional and physical...but emotional means she has feelings for this man...and living near him and not you is extremely dangerous....and if it was not physical there's a very good chance it will be if she moves near him.

 

Please don't think you have lost....clearly she is the loser....

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Even if she's being completely truthful, this is a disaster waiting to happen to your sanity. When you call, and she fails to answer the phone for whatever reason .... what will you think she might be doing?

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First...You need to be completely honest with your wife. It really doesn't matter how we as loveshackers feel about your situation....what matters is how YOU feel. I can totally understand that you are worried....that you have doubts....that you don't want her to take the job....and you have every right to feel that way. But You should tell her exactly how you feel about it.

 

You have the right to demand that your wife NOT take this job...but it would be better if she was sensitive enough to the pain she has caused you...and not even consider it. She should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable...and it would be really nice if she volunteered this on her own instead of you having to demand it.

 

If she is in any way remorseful for her affair...she should be completely transparent to you...with all passwords to all accounts...she should give you a detailed itinerary every day. She should welcome you asking questions. She should be doing everything she can to help you to feel safe.

 

Her considering this job is a very good indication that she is still self absorbed. She is strictly thinking about herself and not about your relationship. Not only because her boyfriend lives in the place where the new job is...but because you are fresh out of an affair discovery and the last thing either of you need is to be apart.

 

If she expresses resentment to you after you tell her how you feel...it is a very good indication that things are not right in your relationship. Your marriage should be first and foremost in her mind...not a new job away from you and where her boyfriend is.

 

If she gets angry...if she tries to put you on a guilt trip...if she cops an attitude....I think you know that means she is placing herself above your marriage.... and it very well might be time to let her take the job and serve her divorce papers. Sometimes a reality check is necessary for waywards to understand the severity of their actions.

 

I won't speculate on whether or not her affair was emotional and physical...but emotional means she has feelings for this man...and living near him and not you is extremely dangerous....and if it was not physical there's a very good chance it will be if she moves near him.

 

Please don't think you have lost....clearly she is the loser....

 

 

Words of wisdom here!!!! Nicely said.

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No way, I would not be comfortable with her taking that job, especially if you couldn't join her for 8 months. That, in my opinion, is too much to ask after the discovery of an affair. As someone else said, even if she is 100% faithful during that time, your sanity will be spared. It will be too stressful and unhealthy for you. You don't need to deal with that, and you shouldn't have to be put in that position after discovering an affair with that man THREE months ago. She should already understand this...It's kind of asinine and insensitive that she would even consider this so soon after an affair, IMHO.

Edited by vanhalenfan
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