Deeply hurt- need

[Deeplyhurt30]

I am new to this forum and to the program, but I have chosen to take the path to working on the recovery of my marriage. Every day seems to confront me with a new obstacle-whether its within myself or with my spouse. We have been together since we were 15 years old. That is half of our lives already. There is not a memory that comes to my mind that does not somehow involve us together. I understand that I know no one here but honestly feel as though just getting all of this out will somehow bring huge relief.

 

Everything started 8 years ago when I myself had an affair with a co worker. My first mistake was letting someone of the opposite sex become a close friend. The friendship lasted for about 6 months until it developed into a more personal attempt. At the time I was very young and immature- and I made some very regretful decisions- I had an affair. Needless to say my husband and I divorced. After 3 months of sorting through and working things out, we decided to remarry and continue a new life together. I was very open with him (gave him access to everything and worked on building the marriage we both wanted). As soon as we were able I even quit my job.

A year after leaving my job, we had our first child. The experience was so amazing and I remember how happy we were for such an amazing blessing. 3 more years passed and then we had our second child. life could not have been more happy. we were happy.

Two years after our second child was born, my husband began a new job. It was a few months in when changes began-he started making comments about us spending too much time together or not wanting to have lunch together anymore. I immediately sensed a change in some of his actions, but he continuously denied. Right around this time, he introduced me to a female co-worker . There was a group of us girls who began hanging out and exercising together (at the time i was a personal trainer). She and I, along with a couple of other girls even went to out of town events together. There was always something about her that I questioned due to certain actions on her part- but everytime i would bring up anything to my husband he would simply tell me he thought I was over reacting or looking too much into things. Another red flag came when he all of a sudden asked me to stop hanging out with her. (she was an older woman who somewhat lived a "single" lifestyle- there were certain events i also witnessed with other men where I could see wasnt good for me to be around). I honored my husbands request. As time passed I had a gut feeling that there was something going on between the two. Over and over again, for two years , we would argue about these feelings and he would make me feel as though i had done something wrong or that i was obsessed with trying to make him hate her. the constant arguing during this time only seemed to make us drift away, but we continued to remain married.

Three weeks ago, he finally admitted to me that they had slept together 4 times before the time of him encouraging she and i to hang out. they still work together. there is still email contact (shes a receptionist) and meetings where they are both present. i was furious and so hurt that he would wait until two years later to tell me all of this-let alone let me be around her too.

My husband has taken the initiative to tell me all the details, he seems truly regretful , but there are times i feel he wants to just not talk about it anymore. In a way its almost like to that since I did something 8 years ago and he forgave me- thats what he expects too. and just start over. Is it wrong for me to think that the pain is worse because we are at a different time in our lives (6 years after remarrying, asking for gods forgiveness, having children together). he tells me the affair had nothing to do with what i was doing at the time- but that things in the past he feels did contribute to his curiousity. he tells me all that matters to him now are me and the kids. I have told him that i think the only way for us to truly move on is for him to leave his job. I feel horrible because 7 months earlier he was promoted to manager and we have been financially better than we ever have. He told me the affair has been over for 2 years but the guilt was driving him crazy. there is just still alot of hurt present and some days i feel i worry myself to death because he is still in the same environment with her only a few offices away. its almost like torture. how can he be okay with communicating with her or being around her in the same room?

[l8estnews]

I bet there's Trickle Truth. Not everything has been disclosed yet. I don't believe the crap that he told you because he feels guilty. It's been two years. I bet that something happened between the two and she might have threatened to tell you about the affair, so he beat her to it.

[Deeplyhurt30]

It seems as though every time I try to talk to him in a calm way- he still says because of all the arguing he can't handle that anymore- he wants me to just stop bringing things up- I'm trying to go through the process, the right way- I feel so depressed and all alone.

[l8estnews]

Just additional input:

 

Not because you did it before, it means he will have a free pass. Mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake. Take this situation as a separate one from the one you did. You did divorce initially during your own affair. So he can't brag about instant forgiveness.

 

Facts:

 

1. He has a PA of 4 times with someone HE introduced in your circle.

2. He gas-lighted you

3. He lied to you for years.

 

These are 3 different sins he commited against your marriage and against your person. For years.

 

If you can forgive these things, that's your call. Can you trust him again? That's your call too. But do you really believe after all the things that has happened in your marriage (1st and 2nd), there's still something to salvage?

[Deeplyhurt30]

I understand exactly what you are saying. I think what is so hard for me to cope with is the fact it happened after children and making it through the first rough time between us. I'm just in shock. He tells me over and over I am who he wants to be with and that he is able to work around her because he knows he isn't going to do anything again. He also says he waited so long to tell me I fear or losing his family. It just hurts so much bc we have argued so much during that time where there were plenty of chances to tell me then

[Deeplyhurt30]

my affair was 8 years ago, and something that i regret with the deepest burn--several times i still ask for gods forgiveness, my husbands forgiveness, and hate myself for what i did to him- I knew back then I would never cause anyone so much pain ever again- we worked together under full transparency and remarried- 7 years later here we are-he tells me he will change jobs but will not downgrade.

[Deeplyhurt30]

Also my affair was exposed to everyone back then, even on social media- I was humiliated-- currently my mother and mother in law are the only ones who know about this current situation

[l8estnews]

Now that you've learned all these, knowing that this is the personality of the man whom you married, what will you do? What is the right thing for you and for your kids?

[Deeplyhurt30]

My head and my heart and in constant conflict. I feel like when we are together I'm one person and when he is at work I am another. He tells me things will get better (always bringing up that he to went through it in the past) he always tries to justify when we talk because of my past--

 

I'm also having a hard time realizing the type of woman he was attracted to- she saw us come up there (me and our children) , he even told her he wouldn't leave me, she was ok with that!?!? She said she understood and wouldn't make him do that

 

Her son was doing work study with my husband during all of the time!! What kind of woman is this?

[l8estnews]

Are you staying because of your own guilt or do you really want to stay because you are happy with him?

 

Girl, you are 30. THAT IS SO YOUNG!!! You can have a much healthier relationship with someone! Find a lawyer, file for child support (spousal support if you can't make it your own yet) and work yourself up. This is NOT a healthy relationship. His mindset is NOT healthy too. Don't act when it's already too late.

 

Separate when you are still friendly to each other, don't wait when all you have with him is anger.

[Deeplyhurt30]

Yes , since our son I have been an at home mom for 4 years now- he uses my past anytime I tell him I'm ready to go back to work (saying he doesn't want me to work around other men bc he would worry all the time) well 3 weeks ago I find all this out and I feel he has no place to say that to me anymore!

 

I do love him and have loved him for 15 years - there's a lot of small things I have forgiven too over time --this is just a whole new level to me-- very hurtful- I have been so depressed with no one to talk to- last year we agreed to cut out social media so I really have felt like I'm trying to deal with this on my own

[Mz. Pixie]

Just additional input:

 

Not because you did it before, it means he will have a free pass. Mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake. Take this situation as a separate one from the one you did. You did divorce initially during your own affair. So he can't brag about instant forgiveness.

 

Facts:

 

1. He has a PA of 4 times with someone HE introduced in your circle.

2. He gas-lighted you

3. He lied to you for years.

 

These are 3 different sins he commited against your marriage and against your person. For years.

 

If you can forgive these things, that's your call. Can you trust him again? That's your call too. But do you really believe after all the things that has happened in your marriage (1st and 2nd), there's still something to salvage?

 

This is great advice. I also agree that there is trickle truth going on. He's told you this tiny bit because there is possibly more.

 

He didn't immediately forgive you. You divorced. He's forgotten that or doesn't care.

 

No contact with an affair partner is an absolute.

[Deeplyhurt30]

My biggest fear here is that it wasn't just those times- what if this has been going on the full time (because of him waiting so long to tell me) he always says it was the fact that he knew he wasn't going to do anything anymore. But yet this woman and him still have to have some sort of contact( meetings, emails, passing each other in the hall etc) so many triggers for me-- not to mention I go up there daily as well

[aileD]

Now you know what you did to him.

 

It's harsh but the truth. Cheating destroys the betrayed spouse.

 

Listen, you can't get through this if he refuses to talk about it.....it is just not going to happen. You need to get into therapy for you both and work it out.

 

It cannot just be swept under the rug like he's trying to do.

[WilyWill]

I'm not sure that all of the "you go girl" female empowerment advice above will serve you well. The truth is that you're both guilty of the same crime.

 

When you had your affair, relatively early on in your marriage, you cut your husband very deeply. You essentially told him that he wasn't man enough for you. This emasculated him and robbed him of his identity. You made a wound from which he'll never fully recover, despite what he or others might have told you. Along came another woman who made him feel like a desirable man again. This will always be a source of weakness for him.

 

That being said, he has no excuse for having an affair himself. If his marriage to you was broken, he should have said something instead of deceiving you. You need to blast all of this stuff out in the open again. Remind him how terribly sorry you are for having an affair all those years ago. Tell him that you never thought of him as anything less than a man--that he was always your number one. The impression I get from the commenters above is that your affair is all "water under the bridge". It's not, and it never will be.

 

Make sure he understands exactly how much his affair hurt you. Tell him you understand what he must have felt like all those years ago. Then tell him that he needs to quit his job as a condition of your reconciliation. He cannot have continued contact with her in any form. You two should find a qualified marriage therapist that will help you get to the bottom of what made both of you cheat in the first place.

[fenix]

Well... karma is a bitch....

 

Sorry but don't you think a tremendous hypocrisy you complaining about your husband cheating after you cheated on him?

I am not justifying your husband cheating, and I don't even say you need to forgive him for that... but don't try to say his cheating is worse than yours, cheating is cheating... and you now get served the $hitty pie you served him once... well I guess it had the same taste for him then than it has for you now.

[WilyWill]

... and you now get served the $hitty pie you served him once... well I guess it had the same taste for him then than it has for you now.

 

Correction. The pie he ate tasted worse. He'd never done her wrong. He was a young man in a new marriage, believing himself to be adequate and "man enough" for his wife. When she cheated, she devalued and emasculated him. Permanent damage.

 

When he cheated, it was to help fill the hole she carved in him back then. His wife can at least still feel like she would have been adequate for him, had she not gravely wounded him. She gets to still feel like a valued woman.

[BluesPower]

OP, let me see if I can help you with some of this...

 

First, I am sorry that you are hurting so much and I totally understand.

 

Some of the things that I say you may not want to hear or believe. And as you read, understand that I have been a BS and a WS just like you are now. I am quite a bit older and may have been around a little more, but I do understand where you are at.

 

Understand first that the pain you feel right now is what your husband went through when you had your affair. Let that sink in for a minute.

 

Next, unlike most females, that actually have feelings of love for their AP, in most cases, it is not like that for most men. To him she was an available piece of a**.

 

And no, two wrongs don't make a right, but he will not feel as remorseful as he may have if you have not had an affair. It is not right and it is not fair it just IS.

 

It is not a great idea that they work together. But for your husband, if he does not have feelings, which he probably does not, it is not that big a deal in reality. I am around several of my other women and I am not sleeping with any of them.

 

You already know that your marriage can be fixed from this, but only if you are both still in love with each other. In that respect, you need to find out where your husband is with that.

 

As much as this hurts right now, you and your H can make it through this. And, believe it or not, there are worse things that can happen in a marriage, I know because I am living it right now.

 

So hang in there and get both of you to MC and IC so you can really start to work this out.

 

Good luck sweetie...

[Deeplyhurt30]

I completely understand all the point of views here. To me this is a little different because we actually divorced and remarried with a new bond. It almost feels as though he thinks this should be looked at as a pop on the hand and move on. I willingly quit my job, removed myself from the working environment completely - being at home mom per his desires, removed myself from social events, social media, completely changed my life around.

 

To me there was more at stake here- our children being one. I just thought we had moved on and were at a new point in our lives after recommitting to each other in a new marriage bond.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I understand how much pain I caused him- he reminds me of that quite often. I am truly regretful of what I did and accept full responsibility for my actions. I knew back then that I would never cause him that pain again.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I have forgiven him for a string of things even before his sexual affair with the co worker. I have found pictures of other women on his phone as well as hidden phone numbers, and him admitting to me of having talked on the phone. Am I suppose to look at all of this as payback for what I did 8 years ago?

[fenix]

I completely understand all the point of views here. To me this is a little different because we actually divorced and remarried with a new bond. It almost feels as though he thinks this should be looked at as a pop on the hand and move on. I willingly quit my job, removed myself from the working environment completely - being at home mom per his desires, removed myself from social events, social media, completely changed my life around.

 

To me there was more at stake here- our children being one. I just thought we had moved on and were at a new point in our lives after recommitting to each other in a new marriage bond.

 

The problem is that you thought that your husband had moved on... but it seems he didn't... I am sorry you are in pain. But I don't think you get to play the card "your infidelity is worse than mine". Sorry, this is worse for you because you are at the $hitty end... I am sure for him yours was worse because you were first and you opened the marriage, you destroyed his naive world where his wife would never do something like this... you make cheating a possibility... and now you are at the receiving end...

 

Well it is up to you what to do, if you want to forgive or not, he has some work to do to gain your trust back as you did back then... but his infidelity is not worse than yours... you are now just the one who suffers from it.

 

Btw, I don't think you should look to this as a payback from 8 yeas ago, but as a consequence. Monogamy stopped being a must when you took your decision... so I guess he has justified (wrongly justified) himself by thinking if you did it why can't he do it...?

Edited November 24, 2016 by fenix

[WilyWill]

To me this is a little different because we actually divorced and remarried with a new bond.

 

So the solution is simple: Divorce for a second time now and start your third marriage with him. Then everything will be fixed with the "new bond".

 

No, it just doesn't work that way. You showed him eight years ago that marriage is a meaningless construct to you. The lesson stuck, and he never recovered. He never quite felt like a man in your eyes, and he sought validation from other women. You'd still be hurting, even after the third "new bond".

 

You now need to get to work on bringing this stuff all back into the open. Address the issues that were rugswept 8 years ago, and address the issues from his affair. It's going to hurt, but the only way to get past the storm is to go through it. I hope you both can do it.

[eye of the storm]

The problem with reconciliations is sometimes the person wronged tries to let it go. But just can't. They want to. But they can't.

 

That is what this sounds like. He wanted to forgive you, recommit to the marriage and move on. But couldn't quite do it. So he is punishing you.

 

And thinks you have to just take it because "hey, you did it first!"

 

To me, is sounds like the receptionist at work wasn't the only one. If he isn't willing to do the work you did, then you need to decide if you will stay with someone who feels he is entitled to cheat or move on.

 

I am so so very sorry.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I just think he should have the same respect for me as I did for him when I wanted to work things out together