Jump to content

I need to stop


Cameron777

Recommended Posts

I know that I'm going to be called out for being a terrible human being, and I probably deserve that. It has prevented me from asking for help for a long time.

 

I have been cheating on my wife for 5 years. It has only been sexual, no actual relationships - like that makes it any better. Most of the women I have slept with were sex workers. This city has many "full service massage parlors" and the easy access has always been hard for me. I know I will get flamed for it, but I have had sexual relations with around 89 sex workers. There have been some other hook ups met off an app, but they are the minority.

 

I know that I have a problem and that what I have done is terrible. I want to stop, but I can't imagine stopping. I have spent around $70,000 on sex workers over the last 5 years.

 

My wife and I keep our finances separate, and she has not noticed the missing money. Together we bring in $171,000, so it's not a huge hit. In the long term, it is adding up because that money should be going to retirement.

 

I want to say that I love my wife. I feel like I do. If that were true, I wouldn't be doing this, would I? I am a terrible person for exposing my wife to diseases, though she has not had anything yet but has never been tested. I could ruin her life even further.

 

My cheating has been easy to hide because it's mostly done during my lunch break or right after work, and I have told her that I work a little later now. It's too easy and it feels like an addiction, I have to go or I cannot function the rest of the day. I love seeing those girls and have their undivided attention solely on me.

 

It's better than with my wife and I don't know why. Maybe because there is no pressure for it to be good for her, it's all about me. For a long time I have been having trouble having sex or foreplay with my wife. Sometimes I cannot stay erect and often I cannot finish. She thinks it's on her and that she isn't sexy anymore or good enough.

 

We have been married for (almost) 10 years. She 32 and I'm 38. She looks great, it's not her it's me and what I've done. We had a situation happen that I feel triggered this to start and we didn't deal with it properly.

 

I want to stop. I want to go back to my wife and honest man. I want to be the man that she deserves. I want to look at my wife and think only about her, no one else. She had become very self conscious since our sex life has gone down hill. I feel terrible because she had never, not once, asked if I was cheating. She puts complete faith in me.

 

I don't think I can ever tell her, she can't hear that I've had sexual relations with 100+ women during our marriage. There is no coming back from that, for our marriage or her mental well-being.

 

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do anymore. I need to be a better man for my wife. I want to be the man she deserves. The cheating has become so easy and ingrained in my routine. I want to surrender myself completely to her. She wants to renew our vows on our upcoming 10 year anniversary and I can't re-say my vows with what I'm currently doing. I need to be better for her.

 

I don't want to lose my wife. Cheating was never about finding a new woman, it was to escape from a bad reality. It is entirely my fault and totally inexcusable. She is a great woman and deserves the best. She is one of the best people I know.

 

I know what I've done is terrible, I know I deserve flack for it. But I really need to figure out what to do next and how to get back to a happy marriage with my wife.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

First off, get yourself to the Dr and be tested for STD's. Then make an appt with sex therapist and a marriage counselor. If you want to stop and better your life, then you have to do this.

 

This is worse than cheating, you're paying for sex elsewhere and of course when your wife finds out (and she will some day) she will not understand but she will be devastated and feel disgusted.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have had STD tests done recently. I know I should have them more but when I'm having relations with multiple women a week, it just seemed useless. I'd be going in every day.. I have seen a therapist a few times, admittedly not lately. It made me feel like I was choosing a cop out, and coming up with an excuse for my behavior. It's in excusable...

 

I don't know if she could live through hearing what I have done... :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have had STD tests done recently. I know I should have them more but when I'm having relations with multiple women a week, it just seemed useless. I'd be going in every day.. I have seen a therapist a few times, admittedly not lately. It made me feel like I was choosing a cop out, and coming up with an excuse for my behavior. It's in excusable...

 

I don't know if she could live through hearing what I have done... :(

 

I dunno, there's a huge chance that you won't say this to your wife, but if you are not new in this forum, I assumed you have read numerous threads about men thinking they weren't busted but in reality, they are. And the reactions of the betrayed spouses in regards to the infidelity of their husbands.

 

You do have options here, but you really have to commit to it.

 

a. change and don't tell

b. change, and do tell (complete clean, and if your wife forgives, your renewal of vows will really have its truest meaning)

c. remain in status quo (with always the shadow your wife finding out)

 

I don't know what to say actually. Some infidelities aren't found out, but only people without conscience can live with that.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

What was the event you never dealt with?

 

You need to deal with it and get to the other side of it.

 

Get professional help every single week or even every day if needed. Consider intensive inpatient therapy. You have a huge problem to overcome which isn't any different than an addict that needs help for 30-90 days of therapy by living in a facility that offers help every day all day long.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Cameron, whether your wife finds out or not (she will in time - you'll slip somehow), you need to get help for yourself. As you said, it's a selfish act and theattention on you is posed. It prevents you from learning and meeting the challenges and rewards of a mature give-and-take relationship.

 

Personally for your wife's sake I wish Dday had already happened, she'd gone, and you were left with no choice but to work on you. Right now - likeost cheaters- you think you can get help and stopand she needn't find out. Won't happen.

 

So my REAL advice for you is to get into a support group and join a Sex Addiccts Anonymous program, 12 steps and all, in addition to a supprt group.

 

Here's the main thing: Get uourself into a sex addist support group above all.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

You really do need to get yourself into long-term therapy.

 

"Long-term" means two years at a minimum, more likely five.

 

People have untangled worse things, but only with expert help.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Long term therapy.

 

Also have yourself evaluated for bipolar disorder. Those suffering frequently act out sexually and financially.

 

She deserves to know I know that's not what you want to hear.

She should get to decide whether or not she stays with you with full knowledge. You are thinking of yourself by not telling her and what will be easiest for all.

 

Except you're exposing her to disease. If you were so afraid of losing her you wouldn't do it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, it has happened. I have finally read the saddest post on LS.

 

Jesus dude, you don't have the right to do this to another human being. You have to move out and get your crap together. You could end up killing your wife with some std she isn't aware she has. At least stop sleeping with her while you figure this out.

 

Get therapy.

 

Tell your wife, in this case she should know because this could go on for the rest of her life, and it is HER life you are ruining.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow... just wow... how can you do this to someone...?

You are putting at risk her health, you are spending money she thinks you are keeping for retirement...

You say you love your wife? if you love her you would let her go, you need help and your wife deserves the truth...

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you realize that you need to stop them why haven't you? Why haven't you invested the same money in therapy?

 

The reality that you wanted to escape then, is even worse now. You made the worst choices not just for yourself but for your wife as well. Your issue is beyond the scope of a forum.

 

Whenever you feel the urge to go to a sex worker , go to a therapist instead.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to leave your wife before she finds out.

 

No woman deserves to learn this and I doubt she would ever recover or trust again. She is only 32...let her go to someone who can truly love her.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

In addition to exposing your W to possibly life threatening diseases....You do realize a lot of women that work in that industry are trafficked. In english, they are slaves. They are not doing that work because they like it. They do it because they don't have a choice. If they refuse they can be beaten or killed and the next one put in their place.

 

Yes you need therapy. You also need to stop supporting human trafficking.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have looked into programs, one of the best in North America is in my city. I have contacted them and they would do inpatient, followed by daily check-ins and weekly group meetings and a weekly spouse meeting. There is a wait time to get in, if I decide to go and they might not even accept me who knows. The problem I have with 12 step programs is how "God" focused they are, that would never work.

 

I don't want to hurt my wife by telling her. It would destroy her. It's not the same as having an affair or two. It's dozens and dozens of women... prostitutes. I know her mind of thinking and she's going to think she was so bad in bed that I had to go pay other women thousands of dollars. She's going to think she's disgusting because of where I've been. She'll never trust someone again. I'm going to ruin her life. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left and didn't say anything.

 

I've been using it as a unhealthy coping mechanism for so long that now I need it. I don't even want to say what started this... I don't want them to ever be mentioned in the same sentence or train of thought. But here we go...

 

My wife and I had a 4-year-old son, 2-year-old twin daughters and were pregnant with a baby boy. We were done having kids and I had a vasectomy. On Christmas Eve we were driving home and were rear-ended by a semi, driven by a drunk driver. The back half of our car was crushed and our babies were in the back seat. We lost three children that night.

 

My wife wanted to keep the kids rear-facing until 4-5-years-old because we were told it was safer. I wanted to turn them forward facing at 2. Had they been in forward facing car seats, they may have lived. The rear of the car was crushed into them, rather than the back of their car seats. There was a lot of blame thrown around, which never should have happened. The only one to blame was the driver. Losing our kids destroyed our marriage and rebuilding it was painful and hard.

 

3 months later our son was born. 3 days after he was born we found out he had a genetic disease that had no cure and would be fatal. We were told he wouldn't see his 1st birthday. He passed away at 8 months old.

 

I can't explain the devastation. It was like who we were as people, our souls, had died and we were just walking human shells. We couldn't function. I stopped caring about anything because it didn't feel like there was anything worth caring about. Somehow we kept living but we weren't really alive. It has been a roller coaster ride that I have wanted to jump off at the peak. She spent a lot more time in therapy than I did, but our lives are empty. Life is going on, but I want it to freeze in the moment of when my family was whole. I couldn't cope, I can't cope, and I turned to external ways of coping.

 

Life needs to go on and needs to move forward, but that means going back and re-working through everything I buried.

Edited by Cameron777
  • Like 1
  • Sad 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

oh my god.

 

I don't even know how you would have survived going through that.

 

I believe more than ever now that you must stop or leave your wife immediately.

 

Don't do this to her after all she has been through.

 

I hope you can get into that treatment center.

 

I am so sorry for your losses x :(

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have looked into programs, one of the best in North America is in my city. I have contacted them and they would do inpatient, followed by daily check-ins and weekly group meetings and a weekly spouse meeting. There is a wait time to get in, if I decide to go and they might not even accept me who knows. The problem I have with 12 step programs is how "God" focused they are, that would never work.

 

I don't want to hurt my wife by telling her. It would destroy her. It's not the same as having an affair or two. It's dozens and dozens of women... prostitutes. I know her mind of thinking and she's going to think she was so bad in bed that I had to go pay other women thousands of dollars. She's going to think she's disgusting because of where I've been. She'll never trust someone again. I'm going to ruin her life. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left and didn't say anything.

 

I've been using it as a unhealthy coping mechanism for so long that now I need it. I don't even want to say what started this... I don't want them to ever be mentioned in the same sentence or train of thought. But here we go...

 

My wife and I had a 4-year-old son, 2-year-old twin daughters and were pregnant with a baby boy. We were done having kids and I had a vasectomy. On Christmas Eve we were driving home and were rear-ended by a semi, driven by a drunk driver. The back half of our car was crushed and our babies were in the back seat. We lost three children that night.

 

My wife wanted to keep the kids rear-facing until 4-5-years-old because we were told it was safer. I wanted to turn them forward facing at 2. Had they been in forward facing car seats, they may have lived. The rear of the car was crushed into them, rather than the back of their car seats. There was a lot of blame thrown around, which never should have happened. The only one to blame was the driver. Losing our kids destroyed our marriage and rebuilding it was painful and hard.

 

3 months later our son was born. 3 days after he was born we found out he had a genetic disease that had no cure and would be fatal. We were told he wouldn't see his 1st birthday. He passed away at 8 months old.

 

I can't explain the devastation. It was like who we were as people, our souls, had died and we were just walking human shells. We couldn't function. I stopped caring about anything because it didn't feel like there was anything worth caring about. Somehow we kept living but we weren't really alive. It has been a roller coaster ride that I have wanted to jump off at the peak. She spent a lot more time in therapy than I did, but our lives are empty. Life is going on, but I want it to freeze in the moment of when my family was whole. I couldn't cope, I can't cope, and I turned to external ways of coping.

 

Life needs to go on and needs to move forward, but that means going back and re-working through everything I buried.

 

This is awful and I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand now why youre having so many issues - She chose therapy and you didn't stick with therapy aka there's a deeper reason why you're running into the arms of hookers. You didn't do this before such a huge loss, right?

 

Yes it means facing the pain and fear head on and un burying it all in counseling so you can heal and be healthy again, live an honest life and truly be happy. You're depressed and acting out, awfully in ways that will screw over your wife and hurt her badly. Please get help.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm also a person who went through genuine trauma on a scale similar to what you went through, and I can tell you that it is possible to recover.

 

It takes a long time, but it is doable.

 

But you need the very best help.

 

Make sure that you get it.

 

I wish you well, and wish that you should be well.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have looked into programs, one of the best in North America is in my city. I have contacted them and they would do inpatient, followed by daily check-ins and weekly group meetings and a weekly spouse meeting. There is a wait time to get in, if I decide to go and they might not even accept me who knows. The problem I have with 12 step programs is how "God" focused they are, that would never work. [\Quote] yeah, I've always felt that way but recently heard an NPR documentary on The origin of AA and the 12-step program. It just sort of evolved by individuals and later became an organization. One of the founders got into meditation and philosophy so the original premise was different and got christianizedvlater. This changed my mind and made me think you could make it work. It works and is worth it.

 

Also check out the movie "Thanks For Sharing." Lots of scenes of a SA support group working.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh man, I'm sorry for the losses. That's tragic.

 

I've done a ton of trauma therapy myself. AA too. It's not "God" centered. Each person chooses any higher power 'that works for them'. No one can tell anyone else what to choose. When anyone in a meeting refers to "their God" I just relate what they are sharing within the version of "MY higher power".

 

You need help to overcome the trauma - I hope you will consider inpatient treatment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I couldn't cope, I can't cope, and I turned to external ways of coping.

 

I'll only point out this - the way you've chosen to cope presents a very real risk of furthering the trauma - physical and mental - suffered by loved ones in your life. Don't be that guy, get the help you need...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed
... how to get back to a happy marriage with my wife.

 

At this point this ^ is not an option. 100's of prostitutes and "happy marriage with my wife" do not go together. If you have an iota of respect for your wife you will tell her the truth.

 

The question is do you want to live an authentic life or be a fraud with a fraud marriage? You need some serious help and a support system. How do you expect to have a support system without your wife knowing what's going on?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The timeline is unclear to me, that is, how long ago you started this behavior vs. when the children died, i.e., whether it was a reaction to losing your children, or if that tragedy came later. Either way, it sounds a little like a cliche, but with so much of your life destroyed, is it possible you're subconsciously trying to destroy the rest of it? Or are you punishing your wife for what you perceive as her part in this?

 

You guys have been through so much, it seems inconceivable that whatever you say to each other now could hurt anything, especially if blame was thrown around. Maybe it's time to discuss whether or not staying married is helpful or hurtful to each of you. There's got to be some of both, as each of you has to be a reminder to the other of what happened.

 

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what it must be like.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
summerdowling87

I know it would be hard for you to tell your wife about your problem. However it would be much better coming from you.

 

You can try it like it.

 

Wife name_ I come to realization that I have a serious problem. That I really need to deal with.

This problem that I have has nothing to do with you as a wife or as a person or as a partner.

This is ALL on me not you.

I have a strong addiction that I cannot stop on my own.

I don't want a divorce how ever I understand if you do.

In the event that you can find it in your heart to forgive me I will do whatever it takes to remain your husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...