Thanksgiving after infidelity

[aileD]

My husband and I went thru infidelity this last year. You can read my posts for more info. I am usually a very private person but we let his aunt live in our downstairs apartment and she was here for it all. Last summer, when we were away and my dad was coming to feed the animals, she talked to him and told him everything.

 

And it got around the family. We have been reconciled for about three months now and everything is going well, the aunt is moved out and I haven't talked to anyone in the family about anything

 

Yesterday my father comes to talk to me to find out what's going on and why I took H back and is he still cheating on me and the whole family is worried about me. says that he lost respect for my H and he won't be mean to him but isn't going to start conversations with him and H is going to have to do a lot to get my dad to feel good about him again.

 

Of course I tell my H this because we are open and honest about everything now.

 

Tomorrow is thanksgiving with my side of the family. H had a little meltdown today about something minor...and it comes out that really he's dreading thanksgiving and being around my family where he knows everyone hates him (they don't hate him just aren't happy with him). And he is very uncomfortable and wishes we could just go away for the holidays which we can't .

 

I try telling him to just take a deep breath, show my family you love me, etc. my family will not talk to him about this and they will be courteous to him. There won't be any anger or confrontation, but this will be the big elephant in the room.

 

Has anyone else dealt with awkward family holidays so early in reconciliation?

[eye of the storm]

AlieD, no advice really. Im so sorry.

 

Usually the best course is to present a united front, stay calm, and realize that in time this should blow over.

 

Good luck.

[Noirek]

My husband chose not to tell either sides of our family because he saw how it affected an aunt who everyone found out about her EA. People were pretty cold to her. But what my uncle did was tell them "I am her husband, she cheated on me. I chose to stay and you either accept that and welcome her into the family or we will not be coming around until you do. This is my descision not yours." He told a few people and sent a group email to the rest. The first holiday was akward for sure but everyone I think realized he was serious and things were much better affer the first holiday.

[Mz. Pixie]

Give yourself some time to heal. It takes a good while to get over infidelity. For all involved. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

[aileD]

My husband chose not to tell either sides of our family because he saw how it affected an aunt who everyone found out about her EA. People were pretty cold to her. But what my uncle did was tell them "I am her husband, she cheated on me. I chose to stay and you either accept that and welcome her into the family or we will not be coming around until you do. This is my descision not yours." He told a few people and sent a group email to the rest. The first holiday was akward for sure but everyone I think realized he was serious and things were much better affer the first holiday.

 

 

 

Thanks for responding. I didn't want to tell my family either. One person on my H side knew and said something to my dad and then it took off.

 

My family would never be rude or unaccepting to him. They will be cordial and friendly and on the surface nothing will change but he knows and I know and they know that they are disgusted with him and don't think I should have stayed. Mostly they are looking out for my well being and that of the kids. Reconciliation is hard work not just for us but for the whole family and I know they will talk behind or backs if our kids aren't talkative or whatever (they are teens also so that doesn't help).

 

So I don't think I would come out and say something so strongly worded as that at this point.

 

I just know there's going to be a lot of faking it on all sides

[Midwestmissy]

This gets under my skin a bit. If what your family thought was actually a big deal to your wh, hurting you would never have happened. Facing them now, possibly with his tail between his legs, is a consequence of his actions. It's called being an adult. I'm reconciling with a cheater too, and he has had to face the music and apologize to a lot of people in our lives. It's part of the reconciliation process. To be fair, my wh has faced every person humbly and has never backed away due to embarrassment or cowardice. If he wants this marriage to work, he needs to be humble and contrite in facing the aftermath of his choices and his actions. With that attitude, people who care about us are gracious about letting him prove his commitment to me. And they will hold him accountable for his promises. Like me, they loved him before the affair, and are willing to give him a second chance, since none of us had seen him behave like this before. The biggest shock to my wh was that he was not in control of the narrative of his affair. His dirty little secret was suddenly just dirty, and he became a bit of a punch line. That he couldn't control how the news spread or how people reacted to it was not right to him. That he went from fantasy big corporate man with tons of cash, to stereotypical, unoriginal cheater pretty quickly was a joke. But he has not run from it once or minimized his role.

 

I read just this morning that a relationship should make you want to be a better person. Our close friends watched my wh go from a mean selfish ass during the affair to someone completely different now. They support our marriage because they see his changes and his efforts and his humility. The mow didn't bring out the good in him. She benefitted from him throwing us all aside, and thought she'd benefit from from his divorcing me ($$$$). He neglected his responsibilities, lied, and made himself a very ugly person. All his choices so he could run away from his insecurities and fears. Spoiler alert, the insecurities and fears didn't go away thru the magic of the mow's oral prowess in her reinforced-knees cargo pants.

 

My in laws wanted him to leave me - they wanted him to move back in with them (he's 50, gross) and have his businesses there intertwined with them. They also benefitted from him leaving his family, and they've not reached out to me or the kids once in over 2 yrs. they encouraged his selfishness and neglect of us too, because they want his money and knew that we were about to hit 20yrs of marriage which put me in a different financial spot. So they bought new furniture for a room for him and were very excited when I booted him out the door. Never asked about their grandchildren through all of this. It was a whole other betrayal I never expected and I was destroyed all over again. 30 yrs of being told how much I was loved and snap, it was over. Guess who's not coming to dinner today lol. And today I'm thankful that they're not in my life. I couldn't have said that 2 yrs ago, I was gutted and in shock and hurt.

 

you both need to proceed normally. We all have a lot for which to be thankful. It's also important to remember that most people at your thanksgiving table have things in their lives which bring them shame and humiliation. I'll bet there's at least one other cheater there. The judgmental condescending folks are the ones who carry the most shame, ignore them. Deep breath, have your wh put his big boy pants on and face the music he wrote singlehandedly. People who view him as handling this like an adult will support you. I hope you have a great holiday today and that you are able to enjoy your entire family.

[seren]

The person in my family that I told was my brother, mainly because there is no one else I felt I could trust with my hurt. he asked me if I wanted him to speak to H and I told him no, that I understood that he felt he had to say something, but that me and H were reconciling and that it was for him and me to deal with the affair and my brother to be my shoulder. My best friend, who I have literally known all my life and is more of a sister than anything also asked what I wanted her to do, again I said other then be there for me, nothing. They both stuck to this and neither have ever said anything to H, though he knows that they know.

 

I chose not to share with H's parents and brother, his parents were in their 70's and could never have coped with knowing their son could do this. I always saw it as our business and as we were reconciling, it would have upset the family dynamic, which would have been another problem to work with.

 

I understand that your husband is nervous, sure it is his actions that have cause this and your family are angry at his treatment of you and your children, but it is obviously not something you need them to do for you, what you need them to do is to let you and H deal with it as you both choose.

I wonder if before dinner H said how thankful he is to be given this second chance at being the man you deserve, thanking you for forgiving him and promising to try to make you feel loved and cared for. If he said that you and he have spoken about how you are moving forward and hope the family can forgive what he has done. I would probably have a word with family before and ask them to respect your wishes and to see Thanksgiving as the time you both move on and look ahead, that looking back and blaming isn't good for you, not that you don't understand their feelings or that you expect them to forget, but that they can best help by supporting you both.

 

let it be you and your husband welcoming them into your home and not a him and the rest type thing. if people cannot promise to do this and realise you and your husband will still be together afterwards and that their actions will have an impact on life after they have left, then maybe they will agree. If not, then think about if the repercussions are worth it and cancel. Reconciling is like being out on an icy lake, in the middle of a thaw, watching for the cracks and treading carefully until you find the way. You don't need extra bodies tramping on that.

 

I hope it works out for you both, it is a long, hard road to reconcile, and is ongoing, but it can make for a strengthened relationship, ours is incredible after 9 yrs and a bit from D day, I would never have believed we could be so happy. But we are, I wish the same for you. x

[kgcolonel]

AileD. I would suggest that you tell your family that if they love and support you, then they need to love him as you have chosen to forgive him they too should "in support of you" do the same. Yes, he did wrong but you chose to stay and they, if they truly love you, should support you and help you in that way.

[Noirek]

Thanks for responding. I didn't want to tell my family either. One person on my H side knew and said something to my dad and then it took off.

 

My family would never be rude or unaccepting to him. They will be cordial and friendly and on the surface nothing will change but he knows and I know and they know that they are disgusted with him and don't think I should have stayed. Mostly they are looking out for my well being and that of the kids. Reconciliation is hard work not just for us but for the whole family and I know they will talk behind or backs if our kids aren't talkative or whatever (they are teens also so that doesn't help).

 

So I don't think I would come out and say something so strongly worded as that at this point.

 

I just know there's going to be a lot of faking it on all sides

 

Well the family was never outright rude to her. But that whole "lost respect thing" seeped into their actions. Some people ignored her except for thebasic silently handing the peas when she asked. only a few of us really talked to her. It was after a few get togethers and comments made to my uncle that he decided to say enough was enough and this was between him and her.

 

I get family feel entitled to taking their siblings and grown children's offenses. But its just that self entitlement. It has to have a boundary and it has to line up with the child/sibling or you are just creating more friction.

 

Its today, so go, hopefully it will go well. The first will always be hardest and if people don't welcome your husband and treat him well than you can speak up and let them know how you feel about it.

[aileD]

Thank you everyone for understanding.

 

We are gone now (we do a 1pm lunch at my sisters). It went fine. There was hardly any awkwardness.. It was basically like it was every year. My aunt actually did a toast and she said "many of us have had a tough year but here we are all together and that's what matters."

 

There was one time where things got uncomfortable. H went missing. He couldn't be found. I thought he was feeling weird and went for a walk then we wanted to leave and were the last ones left. It was getting uncomfortable...I was texting and calling and nothing....till my daughter found him downstairs asleep on the couch in the spare room. Lol. We all had a good laugh

 

Happy thanksgiving everyone. Thank you for letting me get my fears out and for all your good advice

[BluesPower]

H has to just deal with it. And, it is not your responsibility to worry about his feelings about it either. That is codependent. You can have empathy that it will be hard that is fine. It is not up to you to fix it.

 

His affair was particularly bed and he had to deal with those consequences.

[aileD]

It wasn't just about him and his feelings, it was about mine too.

[BluesPower]

Or about how you family feels about him? That would be understandable I get that.

 

But at the same time, his hardship with this is his deal.

 

But I am guessing that with everyone knowing about it, you are/will be triggered about it. That part sucks for sure.

 

If am right about being triggered, I got triggered about my wife addiction by a scar she has on her back.

 

That whole thing set me back for a week. Anything like that is just such a drag.

 

Are you doing any better?

[Noirek]

H has to just deal with it. And, it is not your responsibility to worry about his feelings about it either. That is codependent. You can have empathy that it will be hard that is fine. It is not up to you to fix it.

 

His affair was particularly bed and he had to deal with those consequences.

 

Actully in a good interdependant relationship one does care about their spouse's feelings. Often the people who recover the best from any marriage difficulty are the ones who are less into punishing and being cold. You can't have empathy and not worry about someone's feelings. That is contradictory.

[Noirek]

Thank you everyone for understanding.

 

We are gone now (we do a 1pm lunch at my sisters). It went fine. There was hardly any awkwardness.. It was basically like it was every year. My aunt actually did a toast and she said "many of us have had a tough year but here we are all together and that's what matters."

 

There was one time where things got uncomfortable. H went missing. He couldn't be found. I thought he was feeling weird and went for a walk then we wanted to leave and were the last ones left. It was getting uncomfortable...I was texting and calling and nothing....till my daughter found him downstairs asleep on the couch in the spare room. Lol. We all had a good laugh

 

Happy thanksgiving everyone. Thank you for letting me get my fears out and for all your good advice

 

I'm glad it went well. Sometimes anticipation can be worse than the actual event. And I'm glad your family were gracious. It will make going to the next one easier.

[BluesPower]

Actually no, that is not how it works in theory anyhow.

 

If she feels responsible for his feelings the she is being CD. I know, I have been there.

 

If she is empathetic for him because she loves him and she knows that he will have a hard time, that is different.

 

It may seem like splitting hairs but it is really not. I was always too enmeshed and CD with my wife. I felt like it was my fault if she was unhappy. Very unhealthy way to live.

 

If she does feel that way, all I am saying is look at what you are feeling closely and examine it.

 

The whole situation is rough but workable. These are the things that you kind of have to deal with in these type of situations.

 

I am sure she will be fine. She has come such a long way...

[Noirek]

Responsible and caring or being worried are not the same thing and are splitting hairs. And as married people we are actually responsible to a point. Thats why affairs are bad because we stop being responsible for our actions that hurt the other person's feelings. There was nothing wrong with the OP caring about her husband's feelings in this. And it was her own comfort she was actuallt worried about too. My uncle was right to stand up for his wife to his family. That's not codependant that is called boundaries and making them clear. It was HIS family. So he made himself clear. Codependancy is a onsides relationship where one partner is sucking all the life out of the other. Caring for your partners needs BOTH WAYS does not make codependency.

 

somtimes when someone experiences one extreme such as a codependant relationship they can swing to far the other way into being far to independant while in a relationship. Us humans tend to do extremes for fear of repeating our past mistakes.

[BluesPower]

Look I don't want to fight with you, so this is my last attempt.

 

You need a better understanding of CD than you have. I have lived it, I have studied it, and hopefully I am getting over it.

 

All I am saying is that she should not feel "Responsible" for his discomfort or his happiness. And it may be as you said a good thing for her to tell her family that she loves him and he is part of the family and these are her decisions. That is all fine.

 

The problem in relationships is the feeling responsibility for someone else's happiness. That is where she would feel bad because she cannot make him feel happy because of the situation. She should feel empathy for his discomfort but that is different than responsibility.

 

Feeling responsible for another persons happiness leads to your own unhappiness because you can almost never MAKE someone else happy.

[Noirek]

Look I don't want to fight with you, so this is my last attempt.

 

You need a better understanding of CD than you have. I have lived it, I have studied it, and hopefully I am getting over it.

 

All I am saying is that she should not feel "Responsible" for his discomfort or his happiness. And it may be as you said a good thing for her to tell her family that she loves him and he is part of the family and these are her decisions. That is all fine.

 

The problem in relationships is the feeling responsibility for someone else's happiness. That is where she would feel bad because she cannot make him feel happy because of the situation. She should feel empathy for his discomfort but that is different than responsibility.

 

Feeling responsible for another persons happiness leads to your own unhappiness because you can almost never MAKE someone else happy.

 

Well we will just have to disagree on what marriage looks like. I was very much responsible for my husband's unhappiness when I cheated on him. And I make him happy too. And if I was concerned about how my family was treating him it would be my responsibility to deal with my family about it.

 

However, if I am doing my part, caring for him, being faithful, comunicating and listening and he isn't doing his part to find happiness than its on him because you can't make someone happy when they don't want to be. But we are a team now and if he is unhappy and sad I am there for him. No callous "he has to deal with it, not my problem, not my responsibility, Not my worry" from me"

 

He taught me that. Because he cared for me and helped me through when most betrayed spouses are plotting consequences and revenge. I owe him a lot. And if hurting when he hurts and crying when he cries is codependant (though since we both give and get I know its not) than I'm happy with that.

[Noirek]

Oh i am sorry but I noticed the part about her feeling like she should feel responsible for his discomfort. Of course not. No that on him. In the OPs case I do not think being concerned about his feelings and caring about them are wrong. But she isn't the reason he is uncomfortable. So not responsible in that use of the word.

 

But in the general idea of responsible for our spouses happiness I disagree with your view.

[aileD]

My concern wasn't so much that H would feel bad but that I (and yeah I guess him) WE would be being judged silently and talked about behind our backs later....also if people were rude to him (which I knew they wouldn't be) how that would affect things...because as some said before he is my H and reconciling and if theyre going to be rude I should stand up.

 

I mean. He's my husband...we are working on things now so we are a team. of course I care about how he feels. But I don't feel responsible for how people feel about him. I didn't do anything wrong, he did.

 

I guess I'm an insecure person? I DO not like being the center of attention. I don't like people taling about me, I don't like sharing my problems with people, I don't like knowing the whole family is calling each other to discuss my marriage and if I'm ok and all that. I am 41 years old but I still feel like my a child in my family when it comes to stuff like this and my aunts. God on my wedding day I almost didn't want to walk down the aisle with all those people there because I can't stand to have all eyes on me. Good or bad....it's just how I am

 

So to have been outed for something personal like this against my wishes to keep it private....and having to deal with everyone now just gives me anxiety. Are they judging me? Are they judging him? Do they think my kids are screwed up because they're paying too much attention to their phones? When my H went "missing" ( i.e. Fell asleep on another room) all I'm thinking is that everyone is probably thinking he took off to go call OW or something ....

 

But I guess is my fault too because I never talked to anyone after all this came out. It came out at the worst of it. So I never sent a memo (for lack of better word) to everyone to say "uh yeah the OW is history and we decided to work on us and we are going to counseling and things are actually pretty good right now"

 

Maybe if I said that I wouldn't feel so .....under the microcscope

[Noirek]

To be a private person and feel so exposed is hard. I am glad it went well then. In time people move on. They find a new family memeber to fret and worry about. When nothing new and juicy come fromy your husband their will be nothing new to talk about or worry about. They will respect your descision to reconcile. And they will accept him again.

 

I am sorry he put you through this.

[BluesPower]

While your feelings are kind of normal...

 

You may be a little insecure. It is something that you may want to work on.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting your private business private. The problem that I see is the reason that you want it private or why you want it private. Wanting no one to know about it because you are afraid of being judged or what other people think, that is insecurity and that part is not healthy.

 

I know that you are just 41, and that is a grown woman, but you need to try and get to a place where you just don't care what other people think. Not in a bad or cocky way but in a healthy way.

 

When your H was having his affair, I know that your self esteem took a big hit. But think about how strong you were through all of that. You knew that your husband was being an idiot, but you were so strong and you loved him so much. You waited for him to come back to you.

 

That strength and conviction that you had during that time shows so much about your character and your inner strength. It is something you should feel good about and it is something that should build you inner confidence and self esteem.

 

I mean lets face it, you are a young hot 41 YO woman that has a husband that you love, even if he can be stupid, he loves you, you got great kids, sex life is hopefully picking up after the affair, I mean you have a lot going on for you. You should be feeling like you can take over the world.

 

That is what you should use to build yourself up so that you get to a point where you don't care what other people think. You should feel good about yourself.

 

Try to look at things more like this and I think in the long run you will be happier...

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband and I went thru infidelity this last year. You can read my posts for more info. I am usually a very private person but we let his aunt live in our downstairs apartment and she was here for it all. Last summer, when we were away and my dad was coming to feed the animals, she talked to him and told him everything.

 

And it got around the family. We have been reconciled for about three months now and everything is going well, the aunt is moved out and I haven't talked to anyone in the family about anything

 

Yesterday my father comes to talk to me to find out what's going on and why I took H back and is he still cheating on me and the whole family is worried about me. says that he lost respect for my H and he won't be mean to him but isn't going to start conversations with him and H is going to have to do a lot to get my dad to feel good about him again.

 

Of course I tell my H this because we are open and honest about everything now.

 

Tomorrow is thanksgiving with my side of the family. H had a little meltdown today about something minor...and it comes out that really he's dreading thanksgiving and being around my family where he knows everyone hates him (they don't hate him just aren't happy with him). And he is very uncomfortable and wishes we could just go away for the holidays which we can't .

 

I try telling him to just take a deep breath, show my family you love me, etc. my family will not talk to him about this and they will be courteous to him. There won't be any anger or confrontation, but this will be the big elephant in the room.

 

Has anyone else dealt with awkward family holidays so early in reconciliation?

 

My father and huaband have mutual animosity for one another. Both are cheaters so it is ironic. Both see the other as worse. They both had to attend the exact same alcohol relapse prevention group years ago, and both refused to switch nights so they could avoid being in the same group. Because both are stubborn.

 

The ONLY thing that has ever worked, and worked very well, is that they 100% mutually ignore each other's presence. It might sound rude, crazy, boorish or undoable. But it absolutely works. It isn't as awkward as it sounds and my father isn't blowing up threatening to kill my husband anymore. Yay family!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm late to this thread, Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I can give you the perspective from the other point of view. Unlike women, who seem to want to protect their WH, men throw the women to the wolves. From the very beginning, my H delighted in telling everyone under the sun what I did (leaving out his own transgression) and it continues to this day.

 

My inlaws know for a year now, so I am used to that, but the extended family did not know. However, Thanksgiving ended with him telling his cousin. I told his cousin that yes, we each had affairs but it was long ago now, over a year. Fun stuff. It got so bad that his cousin wanted to call the cops on him and insisted on paying for a separate hotel room for me, and I spent that night alone.

 

We made up the next morning and went on like nothing happened. That's how it is after affairs. Nothing is ever the same. Eventually you just don't give a crap who knows or what anyone thinks at all - and the truth is, people really don't care and if they judge you, you don't care. Call me names, nothing I have not heard before and will continue to hear for eternity. As the WS, it is the only way to survive in the marriage. You just have to shut down completely. Go numb.

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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