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Tempted


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Hello all,

 

 

I will try to keep this relatively short. I have been married to my husband for five years and have two young children. Unfortunately, though things were good between us early on, they haven't been lately. The company he worked for went under nearly four years ago. We already had one little one at home and while looking for work, he ended up getting used to watching our son and slowly stopped seeking employment.

 

 

So fast forward to today and he's basically been home for nearly four years. Yes, he does a great job raising the kids, but I don't earn enough at my job to provide our family with the lifestyle we used to have. It's like my husband has become depressed or is stuck in a rut. I have approached him several times about it, but nothing changes. He does some odd jobs in the evenings, but they don't amount to much.

 

 

It's all taken a toll on me. It feels like he doesn't do enough to help out financially and I want our kids to enjoy the life that I know we can give them.

 

 

Which brings me to my current situation. I met a great guy recently, though I wasn't looking at all. But the way he talks to me and listens to me and makes me laugh, it's something I've not felt in many years. We have not been physical yet, but we are in touch quite often. When I think about him, I feel incredible and when I think of my husband, I get down.

 

 

This new man has now asked me out to dinner and I am so torn. Everything in me is pulling me towards him, but four years of waiting for my husband to do something with his life has taken its toll on me. Don't I get to live? I am so confused.

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So because your husband doesn't have a job, you think that gives you a free pass to cheat on him? The only issue you have with him is the fact that he's not helping to support the family financially? I guarantee this other man is not going to support you and your children so I'm not seeing how that's a solution to the problem.

 

If you want him to get a job, then you need to sit down and have a long and serious conversation about it. Why did you let this go on for 4 years?

 

But if you really want to go out to dinner with this other man, tell your husband and get a divorce first.

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We already had one little one at home and while looking for work, he ended up getting used to watching our son and slowly stopped seeking employment.

 

 

So fast forward to today and he's basically been home for nearly four years. Yes, he does a great job raising the kids, but I don't earn enough at my job to provide our family with the lifestyle we used to have. It's like my husband has become depressed or is stuck in a rut. I have approached him several times about it, but nothing changes. He does some odd jobs in the evenings, but they don't amount to much.

 

How is your situation different from many young families where one parent provides childcare and one works?

 

Despite your best efforts, don't see the link between this and your entitlement-based cheating...

 

Mr. Lucky

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So because your husband doesn't have a job, you think that gives you a free pass to cheat on him? The only issue you have with him is the fact that he's not helping to support the family financially? I guarantee this other man is not going to support you and your children so I'm not seeing how that's a solution to the problem.

 

If you want him to get a job, then you need to sit down and have a long and serious conversation about it. Why did you let this go on for 4 years?

 

But if you really want to go out to dinner with this other man, tell your husband and get a divorce first.

 

 

But I have told him how much this bothers me. Many times, no less. He always has an excuse for perpetuating the current situation. He tried to start a business that failed and he held onto hope with that for too long. He never has money and it just isn't the life I had envisioned when we got married (and he was working at the time). My job does not pay well enough to support our family long term. I feel like he is depressed or something along those lines and just isn't motivated like he used to be. And it has (and certainly will) affect our marriage and children's lives.

 

 

I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

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You want someone to approve that you sleeping with the other guy is fine because your husband is ___ ( fill whatever suits best )

 

No matter how you justify , you know it's wrong. Do the right thing. Get divorce and then do whatever you want. Guilt free.

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I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

You haven't slept with the guy yet, but it is clear you are already having an emotional affair, which is a form of cheating.

 

Have you tried counseling, as a couple, and for you and your husband individually? If he is depressed, perhaps he needs professional help and/or medication. If you are considering an affair, clearly your marriage could benefit from counseling, even if you ultimately decide to split up.

 

If you are looking for validation for your desire to cheat on your husband because he is depressed and lacks ambition, I don't think you're going to get it here.

 

Instead, I would suggest putting the other guy on the back burner and address your marital issues head on first.

 

If you want to remain married, you have a serious heart to heart with your husband and tell him that you are very unhappy in the marriage and things need to change, like today, or you are seriously considering divorce.

 

Or, if you're already done with the marriage, level with your husband and file for divorce before you decide to go on a date with another guy.

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Either make your marriage work or divorce. Cheating will only make things much much worse.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. Why is this such a hard concept for people to understand??? I figured that out in Kindergarten!

 

Cut the new guy off and figure out what to do about your marriage before you do anything. You KNOW this..if you didn't, you wouldn't have posted.

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I met a great guy recently, though I wasn't looking at all. But the way he talks to me and listens to me and makes me laugh, it's something I've not felt in many years.

 

This is right out of the player's handbook for how to get into a married woman's pants. They are very motivated and listen like crazy. No husband can compete with that.

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I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

He hasn't got you yet but give him time with the smooth talk and you can bet your bippy that her will, then when the bottom falls out of this little thing you have going on with him and your husband finds out about it, then the last thing on your mind will be your husbands unemployment.

 

The writing is one the wall. The guy wants one thing and your on the edge of giving it to him. You think he wants to not only take care of you but your kids too? Come on! Wake up and start using your head.

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So you want to see if this guy will take you and the kids on and give you the life you want financially? Why do you think this man would want to support and provide for your kids?

 

Are you looking for sex or money?

 

If you want to leave your husband for a rich man, then leave him and look on the websites for men who like lavishing women and are happy to keep themin a luxuriouslifestyle.

 

Is he single and available?

 

Does he know you're married?

 

Because no decent man would sleep with another man's wife? That's a no go area.

 

If you're fed up of supporting your husband, then leave him, but remember he has been the primary carer and would likely get primary custody of the kids.

 

Do you want your kids to be told in years to come that their mother had an affair and thats why the family split?

 

Before you get into any situation ... think of the worse case scenario if you get caught.

 

Your husband devastated

Your inlaws disappointed and hating you

Your loss of respect and integrity

 

If you think you have financial problems now, once you get divorced and pay alimony you'll be much worse off.

 

Be straight and tell him the long term unemployment is a huge stress on you and it's making you want to leave the marriage.

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Hello all,

 

 

I will try to keep this relatively short. I have been married to my husband for five years and have two young children. Unfortunately, though things were good between us early on, they haven't been lately. The company he worked for went under nearly four years ago. We already had one little one at home and while looking for work, he ended up getting used to watching our son and slowly stopped seeking employment.

 

 

So fast forward to today and he's basically been home for nearly four years. Yes, he does a great job raising the kids, but I don't earn enough at my job to provide our family with the lifestyle we used to have. It's like my husband has become depressed or is stuck in a rut. I have approached him several times about it, but nothing changes. He does some odd jobs in the evenings, but they don't amount to much.

 

 

It's all taken a toll on me. It feels like he doesn't do enough to help out financially and I want our kids to enjoy the life that I know we can give them.

 

 

Which brings me to my current situation. I met a great guy recently, though I wasn't looking at all. But the way he talks to me and listens to me and makes me laugh, it's something I've not felt in many years. We have not been physical yet, but we are in touch quite often. When I think about him, I feel incredible and when I think of my husband, I get down.

 

 

This new man has now asked me out to dinner and I am so torn. Everything in me is pulling me towards him, but four years of waiting for my husband to do something with his life has taken its toll on me. Don't I get to live? I am so confused.

 

 

No, you don;t, just be the nature of your existence, get to "live" if that means hurting someone else to do so. if things are that bad between you and your H that you are even considering this, then talk to him about it. Stop trying to take the lazy way out or excuse your behavior by placing the blame for your choices on your stay at home husband.

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Plan 1: Divorce your husband and hold off on getting with this OM for a long while, until at least a few months after the divorce is final. If you jump in with this guy the first day after the divorce is final, your husband will know you were cheating.

 

Plan 2: Divorce your husband because you no longer respect him. Break it off with dooshbag OM because you know he's slime-ball. Stay single for a while until you hook a man who makes a good salary and who respects your ex-husband and will be a good stepdad to your kids.

 

Plan 3: Cheat now, destroy your husband, destroy your own self respect, and blow up your childrens' world.

 

 

Pick one.

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But I have told him how much this bothers me. Many times, no less. He always has an excuse for perpetuating the current situation. He tried to start a business that failed and he held onto hope with that for too long. He never has money and it just isn't the life I had envisioned when we got married (and he was working at the time). My job does not pay well enough to support our family long term. I feel like he is depressed or something along those lines and just isn't motivated like he used to be. And it has (and certainly will) affect our marriage and children's lives.

 

 

I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

I can certainly understand why you are unhappy with some aspects of your marriage but how exactly is cheating on your husband going to fix any of your problems? If you continue down this path it will just make all of your problems worse and more complicated. Your home life will feel more intolerable and unfixable, you will mentally check out and emotionally neglect your children, and God forbid that your husband discover the affair or even become suspicious as then he will become miserable and tormented too. And who will pay the biggest price? Who will suffer the greatest consequence? Your children will!

 

If you love your kids then you will handle your marriage like a grown up. Running away from your problems and escaping into an affair is childish and selfish and shows absolutely no regard for your children. Tell your husband to shape up or you will divorce him. Tell the OM that you are not available for a relationship and you are sorry if you misled him then send him on his way. Be an adult and a mother.

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I guess better or worse doesn't apply to your marriage?

 

Here's some tough love: Your husband is depressed and you are being selfish. Your husband feels inadequate and is having a hard time with some stuff mentally it seems and you are quite aware of that and instead of helping out your husband and trying to get him help or talking to him or being there for him or encouraging him or helping him get on meds for depression. Or ANYTHING

 

You choose to have an affair.

 

You're husband "got in a rut" and all of a sudden now he's not worth your fidelity??????

 

Where the hell are your priorities girl?

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Am I reading correctly? You had a second child while your husband was unemployed. And now you want to try out another man because he hasn't lived up to your financial expectations? I suggest you grow up.

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If you think your lifestyle has taken a hit while your husband is not working, wait until you see what happens when he catches you cheating and since he has no income you wind up paying child support as well. You are about to blow up your entire life for some ego kibbles.

 

And like others have said, you are already emotionally cheating. Google "emotional affair" and that will be clear.

 

So if you are looking for encouragement you might talk to your girlfriends. They might tell you how "right' and "deserving" you are, Any impartial outsider will recognize the disaster headed your way. And if you think your husband is depressed now, wait until you are caught,.

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Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy,

 

Of course you are.....JUST NOT WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED.

 

Seriously. How hard is it to just get divorced first?????

 

what kind of mother are you being to your children? What lessons are you teaching them? Yes they're young and oblivious now but they will find out about your indiscretions and betrayal someday and they'll be old enough to be disgusted by it.

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But I have told him how much this bothers me. Many times, no less. He always has an excuse for perpetuating the current situation. He tried to start a business that failed and he held onto hope with that for too long. He never has money and it just isn't the life I had envisioned when we got married (and he was working at the time). My job does not pay well enough to support our family long term. I feel like he is depressed or something along those lines and just isn't motivated like he used to be. And it has (and certainly will) affect our marriage and children's lives.

 

 

I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

You sure are, but want your not allowed to do is dip your toes in the water to test it while still married. It's really that simple... Your husband also deserve to be happy, instead he get a nag, kicking him while he is down then turns her attention to another man

 

But all I hear in your post is blah blah husband is terrible blah blah om is awesome blah blah I should have both.

Edited by DKT3
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You sure are, but want your not allowed to do is dip your toes in the water to test it while still married. It's really that simple... Your husband also deserve to be happy, instead he get a nag, kicking him while he is down then turns her attention to another man

 

But all I hear in your post is blah blah husband is terrible blah blah om is awesome blah blah I should have both.

 

Actually there is a study Harvard did this just year that says when a husband losses his job, the divorce rate sky rockets & women look to leave or for someone else...so this is not a rare situation. A isn't right but 4 years not looking for work isn't just he's down, he's given up & that is not right either to not care about your marriage & if you're not taking what your spouse says in 4 years seriously, then that shows you don't care.

 

OP...I had an A at a time when my H showed he didn't care about our marriage. I will tell you though, it wasn't the right choice & you will regret it bc any valid points you do have will be wiped away if caught in an A. You're fed up & believe me, I know how that feels. I wish I could go back & had just kicked my H out to teach him vs having an A...& that would be my advice to you. If you're fed up & want to light a fire under him, kick him out. You can't go wrong bc he either will get it together or not, either way you're it will be a change. If he doesn't change, you already start moving on & if you love him & he does change, you'll get the H back that you married...but an A is just going to complicate a already tense situation...don't throw gas on the fire! Good luck

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Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

No, you're not. You are 'allowed' to divorce your H and then get together with the new man. If you are unhappy do something about it up to leaving your H but not including effing someone else.

 

BTW I have always worked and earned more than my H so I began to realise just how much I'd have liked a partner at home to look after the kids while I worked. Beleive me it's a luxury! He gets a job and you will suddenly find life gets a load more stressful and hard for you.

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Quite honestly this sounds like so many cases we see on these boards where one spouse cheats on the other (either emotionally or physically) but attempts to keep the betrayed spouse around as a Plan B option.

 

OP, it sounds like you would like to keep your spouse around in case this other man doesn't work out, which is why you'd rather not tell him what's going on yet. Your husband deserves better, he deserves to know what is going on with you before you drop a bombshell on him like a divorce or an affair. It's always better to tell the truth first, because eventually they find out anyway, and it's much worse.

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40somethingGuy
Hello all,

 

 

I will try to keep this relatively short. I have been married to my husband for five years and have two young children. Unfortunately, though things were good between us early on, they haven't been lately. The company he worked for went under nearly four years ago. We already had one little one at home and while looking for work, he ended up getting used to watching our son and slowly stopped seeking employment.

 

 

So fast forward to today and he's basically been home for nearly four years. Yes, he does a great job raising the kids, but I don't earn enough at my job to provide our family with the lifestyle we used to have. It's like my husband has become depressed or is stuck in a rut. I have approached him several times about it, but nothing changes. He does some odd jobs in the evenings, but they don't amount to much.

 

 

It's all taken a toll on me. It feels like he doesn't do enough to help out financially and I want our kids to enjoy the life that I know we can give them.

 

 

Which brings me to my current situation. I met a great guy recently, though I wasn't looking at all. But the way he talks to me and listens to me and makes me laugh, it's something I've not felt in many years. We have not been physical yet, but we are in touch quite often. When I think about him, I feel incredible and when I think of my husband, I get down.

 

 

This new man has now asked me out to dinner and I am so torn. Everything in me is pulling me towards him, but four years of waiting for my husband to do something with his life has taken its toll on me. Don't I get to live? I am so confused.

 

The OM knows you are married, right? Doesn't being a home wrecker disqualify himself as 'great guy?' You need to demand therapy and changes. Tell him that you are miserable and point out what he does well but what changes need to be made and you are beyond talking about it. You will miss your hubs when you see how it affects the kids and he works his way out of his funk. Meanwhile, you will be hurt when the OM finds another woman to seduce and ruin your fling with him. If you go to dinner as 'friends' you are cheating since you know that is not your relationship. Tell the OM to go away. Don't be that woman. You will hopefully hate yourself for the betrayal.

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Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

 

19801980, I'm trying to understand your end game. Your OM is willing and able to foot the higher lifestyle bill for you and your children if you leave your husband? And while, as others have indicated, you're paying your ex support?

 

I'll gently suggest they'll be some surprises along the way...

 

Mr. Lucky

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40somethingGuy
But I have told him how much this bothers me. Many times, no less. He always has an excuse for perpetuating the current situation. He tried to start a business that failed and he held onto hope with that for too long. He never has money and it just isn't the life I had envisioned when we got married (and he was working at the time). My job does not pay well enough to support our family long term. I feel like he is depressed or something along those lines and just isn't motivated like he used to be. And it has (and certainly will) affect our marriage and children's lives.

 

 

I haven't slept with this guy yet. I just get this feeling when we talk that has filled the void my husband has left me with since he got into this rut. He gets me. We talk about anything and everything, even things I wasn't so comfortable talking with my husband about. I am still young (39). Am I not allowed to see if this guy will make me happy, given how depressing my home life has become? I've been so unhappy and have mostly stayed together for the kids.

Do you WANT to sleep with this guy? Do you fantasize about it?

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