devastated-wife Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Short version is that husband has been satisfying 'his needs' by getting a variety of gay men to give him oral sex over past year. He insists that he does.not find men attractive but as it is no strings and easy to arrange that's why he uses men? I'm shocked as was the last thing I was expecting. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I don't think gay/straight is a binary thing. I believe it occurs on a spectrum, with gay on one end and straight on the other. In your husband's case, I'd say he is in the middle (bisexual) or maybe more toward the gay end of the spectrum. Whatever he calls it, he is sexually aroused and satisfied by men. He may not be interested in anal sex, with anyone, so he has oral instead. I've known men who will interact with men sexually when there is a woman in a group situation. If he is doing this alone, with just another man, then there are some homosexual elements to his sexuality. How do you feel about this activity? Does it violate the terms of your marital agreement? Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastated-wife Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 Although I still love him, I can't see how we can be together in a marriage, but I also don't want to be a single parent...that road.is too hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastated-wife Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 So perhaps I should also say he has given anal sex a couple of times...embarrassment stopped me writing it earlier and he says he gets aroused by using viagra 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 He is definitely bi. Have you asked him why doesn't he ask you to give him oral sex if that's what he wants? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I am very sorry to hear this. You are not alone. Is Your Boyfriend Secretly Gay? There were also no conventional signs of infidelity: emotional distance, disappearing acts, strange phone calls in the middle of the night. In fact, we spoke before he left the office every day. On his way home, he'd stop at some random guy's house whom he'd met online, unzip, get a blow job, then pick up milk before he came home, always at the same time. Gay sex is easier to hide. Whereas an affair with a woman might get messy—she could get emotionally attached and call his home—sex with a guy is simple. There's no postcoital chatting. Gay men get right to the point. When Aaron began dating men, he said he actually stopped seeing someone because the guy couldn't get it up. He said, "With gay men, sex is the easiest part. If you can't get that right, there's a problem." Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastated-wife Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 He is definitely bi. Have you asked him why doesn't he ask you to give him oral sex if that's what he wants? Before kids I used to give him plenty, but not so much since the kids Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 How did you find out? Were there any signs of this before you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Assuming he has any sexual/romantic relationship w you, he's bisexual specifically. Is that all you wanted to know? I'm curious how you found this out - did he declare it or did you find him out, etc. You seem surprised so I assume you hadn't ok-ed it some time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Regretful one Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 FWIW in my opinion he made the decision to act out. He at some point decided to cross the line into infidelity. He made a conscious choice to have a sexual relationship with someone outside of the marriage. He chose men. It is not all that difficult to arrange things of this nature with women so he chose men because that is who he wanted. I would also assume that he must be bisexual since he appears to also want to be sexual with you. Would you feel any differently had he been doing this with women? Are you sure he hasn't been? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Assuming you both still have a sexual relationship then he's bisexual. However, some who want to appear regular with a wife and family, pretend to be heterosexual and are really gay. Do you know anything about his past relationships? You may not want to be a single parent, but do you want to be with a cheater and a husband who has sex with other men? That's pretty high risk for STD'S/HIV. I'd be much too frightened to ever have sex with him again if it were me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 So perhaps I should also say he has given anal sex a couple of times...embarrassment stopped me writing it earlier and he says he gets aroused by using viagra He had anal sex with a man? And he was the "top"? If that is the case, he is most certainly at least bisexual. Again, I think it happens on a spectrum, so he may have varying levels of sexual attraction to members of each sex. Do you have an open marriage? How did you discover this? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Is he bipolar? My friend had a husband that did stuff like this when he was in one of his "highs"... men, women, everyone Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Before kids I used to give him plenty, but not so much since the kids I don't think you should beat yourself up about that, I doubt he is getting oral sex from men and engaging in anal sex with men, just because you have been busy with your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author devastated-wife Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 We do not have an open relationship. I found messages on his phone with pictures of his anatomy and assumed that he was sending them to a woman/women. He volunteered that it was men. I have spoken to him and he said that he thought I wouldn't be as.upset if it was men rather than women! Actually for me I cannot comprehend the man i married doing that and whilst I almost wished it was a woman so we could give counseling a go, I cannot get past the number of occurrences or the fact it is men. He has always been obsessed by sex but I've never had any glaring 'he's gay' moments, although maybe the handlebar mustache and chaps should have been a clue...only joking :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Although I still love him, I can't see how we can be together in a marriage, but I also don't want to be a single parent...that road.is too hard. He's at least bisexual. He is definitely an adulterer. If you are unwilling to leave him, then why not have an open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Before kids I used to give him plenty, but not so much since the kids No, I mean does he literally ask you to give him head? Or, is he just going out and getting it from men without even trying to get it from you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 We do not have an open relationship. I found messages on his phone with pictures of his anatomy and assumed that he was sending them to a woman/women. He volunteered that it was men. I have spoken to him and he said that he thought I wouldn't be as.upset if it was men rather than women! Actually for me I cannot comprehend the man i married doing that and whilst I almost wished it was a woman so we could give counseling a go, I cannot get past the number of occurrences or the fact it is men. He has always been obsessed by sex but I've never had any glaring 'he's gay' moments, although maybe the handlebar mustache and chaps should have been a clue...only joking :-) So you only know what he's chosen to tell you, there could be a whole heap more going on- you were embarassed to talk about anal, he probably is too. You need to go into detective mode and find out the full truth. I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 He volunteered that it was men. I have spoken to him and he said that he thought I wouldn't be as.upset if it was men rather than women! That is perhaps telling, there may in fact be women involved too. Google "trickle truth". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Short version is that husband has been satisfying 'his needs' by getting a variety of gay men to give him oral sex over past year. He insists that he does.not find men attractive but as it is no strings and easy to arrange that's why he uses men? I'm shocked as was the last thing I was expecting. Do bears poop in the woods Do fish poop in the water Do birds poop in the air Do gay men have sex with other men Do some gay men resist/hide their homosexual bent, get married, have kids, till they can no longer deny it, then act on it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 We do not have an open relationship. I found messages on his phone with pictures of his anatomy and assumed that he was sending them to a woman/women. He volunteered that it was men. I have spoken to him and he said that he thought I wouldn't be as.upset if it was men rather than women! Actually for me I cannot comprehend the man i married doing that and whilst I almost wished it was a woman so we could give counseling a go, I cannot get past the number of occurrences or the fact it is men. He has always been obsessed by sex but I've never had any glaring 'he's gay' moments, although maybe the handlebar mustache and chaps should have been a clue...only joking :-) Devastated Wife Omg I'm so sorry for your pain. 1. YOU ARE in an OPEN Marraige! A ONE-SIDED Open M which equals a CHEATING spouse. DO NOT LET YOUR WH MINIMIZE HIS ACTIONS!! ALL CHEATERS "MINIMIZE" (see the Cheater's Handbook 101 and study Cheater's behaviours ESPECIALLY if you are STAYING! omg please don't put yourself through that) 2. YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY AND HETERO which equals BISEXUAL. COULD YOU JUST GET AND GIVE ORAL to a WOMAN??? IF so, you are bi as well. If not then SEE?? YOUR WH IS SMOKE SCREENING HIS BEHAVIOURS (see Cheater's Handbook - CH for short). 3. SINGLE PARENTING IS a walk in the park COMPARED to living with a cheat IMHO. YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN UNREMORSEFUL CHEAT WHO IS opening your physical and sexual (and MENTAL) health up to all sorts of diseases. SEE OVERBLOWN ENTITLEMENT and the NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER spectrum. Asap. Once the CLARITY occurs you'll see what you've been dealing with. My CLARITY came thick and fast AFTER I got VWH OUT OF THE HOUSE. I'm STILL gaining more clarity 8 months later. And "apparently" my intelligence scores are in the top 3% of the population. Wtf? THAT'S WHAT MIND-F***ING DOES TO A PERSON (see CH). We invested TRUST in our spouse. For me this time, around 17 years of M. It takes ALOT TO SEE EXACTLY WHO they truly are. The FACADE drops and we STILL can't see. It's incredulous. If a gf came to you when you were 20yo and said ALL YOU said in your Thread Starter. What would YOU have said then? HONEY HE'S CHEATING ON YOU WITH MEN. YES! HE'S BISEXUAL. Prayers for your fast healing. Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Well whether he's gay or not seems pretty minor compared to the fact that now you know he's fundamentally dishonest and untrustworthy. That's reason enough to end the marriage, never mind the particulars. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rachelkey Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Well whether he's gay or not seems pretty minor compared to the fact that now you know he's fundamentally dishonest and untrustworthy. That's reason enough to end the marriage, never mind the particulars. I agree with this, man or woman, who cares....he's cheating! Saying he thought it would be more okay with a man is ridiculous. I guess only you can decide if you are okay with an open relationship but I'm just saying if not....it shouldn't matter the gender of the cheating partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 He is gay or not should be least of your worries. Your concern should be your sexual health and that he is cheating. Have you gotten yourself tested ? Can you live with a cheater who is trying to make you feel better that it was men and not women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 We do not have an open relationship. I found messages on his phone with pictures of his anatomy and assumed that he was sending them to a woman/women. He volunteered that it was men. I have spoken to him and he said that he thought I wouldn't be as.upset if it was men rather than women! Actually for me I cannot comprehend the man i married doing that and whilst I almost wished it was a woman so we could give counseling a go, I cannot get past the number of occurrences or the fact it is men. He has always been obsessed by sex but I've never had any glaring 'he's gay' moments, although maybe the handlebar mustache and chaps should have been a clue...only joking :-) Okay, have you confirmed that it is actually men he is engaging with? Is it possible he is involved with women but told you it was men so that you wouldn't feel as insecure? I know it's a bit of a reach but cheaters will tell all kinds of crazy lies to throw you off the trail. If it's definitely men he is having extramarital sex with then he his definitely bi or gay. Link to post Share on other sites
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