dudoso Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 My problem, is that I have a wife[f43] and I maintain a relation with another person outside of the marriage[f32]. I suppose to have things clear, but I don’t. My problem are the doubts on my head. I don’t know if to continue with my wife and forget the other woman or really leave my wife and to go with this other woman. My recent personal history is not exempt of important episodes and maybe something of bad luck. My name is Ricardo [m37] and in Spain I met Marta, I’m from Colombia originally. Marta and I spent several years together in Spain as partners and although we had our discussions in the past, we liked to be with each other (mainly to travel together). It was not a passionate relation but both liked to be together. Marta always has had a strong character. In 2010 my mother died of cancer and Marta accompanies me in the critical moment. I depress myself and after a year of duel I decide that I wanted to go to Canada since the working life in Spain seemed a little limited. I had the papers on rule, so in August of 2011 I arrived in Canada. In theory Marta supposed to follow me some months later after my arrival. But in the meantime her mother suffered a brain stroke between my arrival and hers. Marta told me to stay in Canada as much as possible because was my dream. Marta was profoundly affected by this situation (also her family). Despite this issue we continued to communicate together via Skype and our feelings were stronger. We got married in Canada in July of 2012, because we loved each other and because it would help on the papers for Marta to come to Canada. She supposed to start a life with me after we got legally married. But because she couldn’t quit her job in a good way and other bad luck delays, what supposed to be a pause of 1 or 2 months after we got married end up being a 10 months delay. I have to say that I couldn’t leave Canada in all this time due to my papers. Around March 2013, I start an affair with a work colleague in the most accidental way, her name is Lin (from China). Neither Lin nor I took it seriously at the beginning, but the thing is that we continued until the moment when Marta arrived to Canada. I thought that the life with Marta was going to fix away my feelings towards Lin and start a truly married life with Marta. But the truth is that I liked very much Lin. I felt that the life with Marta was not good, we had discussions and some bad luck. We decided to move from the current apartment. I decided in that moment that the best thing is to separate from Marta. Despite I still had much guiltiness to tell her that we should break up so soon after the marriage life started (she left family, job, a mother in a care-clinic). I was still decided to tell her about it. After some time to think about it and when I was decided to speak to her in a Sunday she told me in that moment that she is pregnant. I felt the world came over me, so I tell Lin that we cannot continue our affair (in that moment with hope of start as a regular couple after my separation with Marta). Lin told me that she can adapt to the new situation and that we should continue, she told me that Lin and me we should be together and Marta and the baby take her own path (Lin told me she can act also as stepmother). At the end, because of problems with Marta papers we decided her to pass the pregnancy in Spain. I thought that at the end Marta and the baby will stay there and I would end up separating from her. So while Marta was in Spain I started to live together with Lin. After some months living with Lin I started to miss Marta and the baby (not born yet). I felt too much guiltiness of Marta passing the pregnancy time alone there in Spain, and the baby inside. So I decided to finish forever with Lin. I told her that we broke up and Lin told me that she got pregnant as well. After some painful conversations we decided to abort with Lin. I finished my relation with Lin and I was ready to bring Marta to Canada and re-start the life with our new baby. As soon as Marta arrived to Canada her mother (who had a stroke before) pass away but because she was too advanced in pregnancy she couldn’t attend the funeral in Spain. We went there after 2 months with our 1 month baby. I began a settled-married life with Marta but I still had the contact with Lin especially we made the abortion not so long ago and I wanted to know how she was. We started to have relation again, Lin and me. With the recent history we decided that the best thing would be to wait that my new baby grows a little and then I can go with Lin. My father died in February of the 2015, so it delayed a little the plans about it. Also some relatives of Marta come to visit us and also this delayed the whole thing. In the middle of all this, Marta finds one old letter that Lin sent long time ago to me and Marta knew that I cheated on her before she arrived to Canada (for the first time). I told her that was only platonic and ended. I didn’t dare to tell her the truth. I entered in panic mode and I didn’t want Marta to leave. I was surprised with my reaction. At the end of 2015 Lin started to push me to decide between separate my wife or her. I tried to make coincide some trips of Marta to Spain, to speak with her about separation, but the truth is that still it costs to me to do it. I tried twice (with trips included) in March and in July. The truth is that thinking about separating is costing me much. Just after my second trip because of a confusion Marta and Lin face each other. Things were terrible after it. I simply don’t know what to do now. I like very much to be with Lin but I think I will miss too much my baby and Marta. I don’t want to act more selfish, but to be honest I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to delay more my decisions and make everybody to take their own path (including me). I do not know if the best thing is to reconstruct my relation with Marta or to try a new life with Lin (despite we live it in the past for some time). I’ve been framed as narcissist for a psychologist and I read that type of affair I have is the type “split self affair”. I condensed my history (I know is still long) but I wanted to give you as much of the background. Each time I'm trying to start a life with my affair I miss much my kid and when I'm with my wife I have my mind just thinking on my affair partner.I feel too much guiltiness and I don’t know what do/decide now. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 If you can't decide which of them you want to be with, you shouldn't be with either. Spend some time as a single person. Get into therapy. Find yourself. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Honestly I only read the first paragraph because nothing else matters. If you are unsure--stay with your wife. It doesn't have to be forever, however she is your wife and if you are undecided then she deserves the respect of you attempting to at least figure out your marriage or divorce together with no one else involved. If you decide to end your marriage after that ...you will have the peace of mind you are looking for and less drama when you take up with another woman. You didn't respect her by cheating but you don't hate her enough to say you are sure you want a divorce.... The other woman is a complication that will never allow you to make a true decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dudoso Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 I'd say that I want to be with my affair partner but I have difficulties dealing with the fact that I won't be with my kid and of course all the consequences of separating my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I'd say that I want to be with my affair partner but I have difficulties dealing with the fact that I won't be with my kid and of course all the consequences of separating my wife. If the other woman is worth it, then you will find ways to make everything work. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 If my husband didn't know if he wanted me or his affair partner, I wouldn't want him. You can leave your wife and share custody of your child. It happens all the time. I'd rather have a husband who didn't lead a double life as you are, but 3.5 years of risking your marriage, are something of an indication your marriage isn't that important to you. Let your wife be free to find a man who loves her and will be faithful to her. You can go and be with your OW and have a happy life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 what does your kid want? what will he say about it aged 2, 10, 16.... your dealbreaker, imo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) I hope you are changing their names for the sake of this forum. It doesn't sound like you are though. You're sharing a LOT of personal information without their consent... at least change their names or just use OW, BW etc. Edited October 23, 2016 by lemondrop21 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Honestly I only read the first paragraph because nothing else matters. If you are unsure--stay with your wife. It doesn't have to be forever, however she is your wife and if you are undecided then she deserves the respect of you attempting to at least figure out your marriage or divorce together with no one else involved. If you decide to end your marriage after that ...you will have the peace of mind you are looking for and less drama when you take up with another woman. You didn't respect her by cheating but you don't hate her enough to say you are sure you want a divorce.... The other woman is a complication that will never allow you to make a true decision. With all due respect, you should read the entire post. It's not always as simple as pick the wife and ignore the OW. You'll see that when reading whole post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 One thing I found interesting is that OP aborted pregnancy with AP, but kept child with wife. Does this mean anything to OP? (This is not a commentary on the rights/wrongs of abortion, but why keep child with one woman and not the other?) Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I really don't think you have an ounce of empathy for your wife. I think your wife somehow thinks you will grow up, she is wrong. Your concern per-say is how events effect only you and others, but no clue on how your actions effect others, after all you are a nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I’ve been framed as narcissist for a psychologist I can see the narcissist in you, you are using people like pieces in a game, moving them about with little thought for how they actually feel or what is best FOR THEM. Accepting and rejecting at will, as it is really ALL ABOUT YOU. I am not sure what to suggest, you want your cake and eat it too, you have no empathy for either woman. I guess it may all come down to one or other or both even, getting fed up with "the game" and leaving you to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Introduce them to each other and let them decide for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pianomanwoman Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Dear Ricardo, I wouldnt suggest breaking up with both and trying to go out on your own as a single person. That is not good for a narssiss. But you were very very telling when Marta found Lins letter and you did not break up with her then, or tell her about Lin and her baby with you. Most Spanish people have had infidelity in their past, with the mother or the father cheating, so Marta would have understood if you wanted to go with Lin. But that you did not break up with her shows you are a narcissist and you want both ladies to be your partner. And guess what? Now a days with polygamy becoming true and gay marriage, at least in America you could live somewhere that its acceptable for you and your two "wives" to be together. But you would have to tell Marta the truth and risk breaking up with Lin. Then, you would be single. So don't break up with either of them, have the one that loves you choose. Even if one of them leaves. You still have two babies, and in time, you will have a wife and a step mother(s) for your kids too. Don't be embarrassed. A lot of people came into this world from love and eventually are forgiven. You can call it cheating or insecurity or what ever you like, but the final result is the kids that you made together are here and they need love, now they have three partners each..and thats better than just one or two that abuse them. More presents for Christmas Birthdays etc big family like Mormon in Utah? Maybe even Marta didnt want to break your heart..she may have a secret to share with you too? One possible solution is for Lin and your baby to go back to China and you can support her there, its a lot cheaper. You could buy her a home and a business for her security... And take your vacations in China. Thats what I would do if I was you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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