healing and growing

[heartwhole]

We're 18 months out from DD of my husband's affair. The wound is certainly not healed, but I am happy and grateful and feel empowered and at peace.

 

Looking back, it seems like we've dealt with a different issue every three months or so.

 

Months 0-3: A time of total confusion, but we knew we loved each other and therefore reconciliation was an easy choice. We experienced a "second honeymoon" according to my husband. We bought a vacation house. But mostly the emotional work hadn't begun yet. We were just stabilizing and recommitting and cutting all ties to the OW.

 

Months 3-6: We did MC. I started to realize that my husband was still blaming me and deflecting. I asked him to start IC but he didn't try hard enough after a couple of ICs didn't return his calls. The HB had worn off and the weight of everything started to settle in.

 

Months 6-9: We read How to Help Your Spouse Heal and Not Just Friends. He got into IC. He wrote OW a proper NC letter. We renewed our vows. He stopped blaming me for the affair. He would still try to avoid talking about it by getting grumpy if I brought it up.

 

Months 9-12: I became fed up with how lopsided our dynamic was. He always put himself first, and I always put the family first, so I had pretty much lost myself. I realized how much guilt I carried over having an illness that affects my family. We rewrote our family dynamics. Growing pains.

 

Months 12-15: More ups and downs. I struggled with getting the OW, who is still following stuff about us on social media and posting about her prayers for God to give her a great partner, out of my head. I connected with some OW on here who helped me a bit.

 

Months 15-18: Just when I started to relax, I discovered that my husband had a single woman friend he hadn't mentioned. I knew who she was but not that they'd had lunch in a group and were group texting buddies. I felt like our boundaries were already established and was majorly let down. We had to do hard work to break down all the walls between us and really share everything. Somehow I think we've done it. My husband impressed me by taking the lead when the pain and anger was too much and I just wanted to shut down. He helped us talk about it calmly and reach a mutually agreeable conclusion. The IC must be paying off!

 

Months 18+: This is where I am now. Recently I've been focusing a lot on emotional maturity and how we deal with stress and frustration. (As a mother to two young daughters this is a daily lesson.) I've realized how much I was just winging it before, and how as two compatible people who have always been best friends, we were fine when there was no stress in our life. But once life threw us a few curveballs, we just didn't have the tools, either of us. I internalized my illness as being my fault. Instead of figuring out why I felt the way I did and accepting my limitations, I punished myself and lashed out when I felt I was disappointing my family. My husband had his own set of faulty coping mechanisms and tendencies toward deflection and escape. Now when he has a stressful day at work, he doesn't come home whining about how hard his life is. He takes it in stride. When I am too ill to do something we both wanted to do, he is supportive and empathetic rather than blaming me and acting put out.

 

I don't know when, if ever, I'll feel truly healed from the wound of infidelity. It is still traumatic to think of my husband being with another woman, even after all the work he's done. It doesn't feel like it was almost 2 years ago; it feels fresher than that. But I'm happy that he's my husband. I would marry him all over again, and I would choose reconciliation all over again. There is a lot of joy in our lives and we've come a long, long way. I feel happy with where we are and confident that we'll continue growing and healing. Dare I relax a bit knowing that surely most of the hardest stuff is behind us? I think I will. Not because I'm in denial about what needs to be done, but because dammit we've put so much of ourselves into this already. I think I've earned a little peace.

[aileD]

Thank you for this. We are in the 0-3 month range and I'm glad to know where we are seems pretty similar to you

[BluesPower]

It never goes away completely...

 

But, you do learn to deal with it. It is way easier with a remorseful spouse. My wife lack there of, really made it easy for me to step out when things got bad.

 

Glad you guys are doing well...

[heartwhole]

It never goes away completely...

 

But, you do learn to deal with it. It is way easier with a remorseful spouse. My wife lack there of, really made it easy for me to step out when things got bad.

 

Glad you guys are doing well...

 

Thank you Blues.

 

My friend told me that her husband had an affair 10 years earlier as I was struggling after DD. They reconciled happily and went on to have two more children, but she said she thinks about the affair every.single.day. And yeah, unless I develop some new capability to compartmentalize (I'm more a rip the bandaid off, confront and analyze everything to death kind of person), then I don't think I'll ever go a day without remembering. But at least at this point I know my husband would undo it if he could, and that he has allowed himself to face the awfulness of what he's done instead of trying to avoid thinking about it and deflect it onto me. In IC and at home he's been expressing remorse in ways that weren't emotionally available to him a year ago. And that in turn helps me, because we can grieve together.

[merrmeade]

First of all, great timeline, hw. It shows that there are stages, even though the stages may vary.

 

Agree with Blues and your friend that you never really get over it. Lately I've been looking at lists and websites for relationship checkups, marriage tests, divorce-ready tests and always come back to reconciliation as the right choice - but always feels a little bit disappointed. Kind of: meh, yeah - accept, whatever.

 

But I don't understand how your husband could let this happen if you'd read those books at 6 months, hw, and he did IC:

Months 15-18: Just when I started to relax, I discovered that my husband had a single woman friend he hadn't mentioned. I knew who she was but not that they'd had lunch in a group and were group texting buddies. I felt like our boundaries were already established and was majorly let down.

I mean "Not Just Friends" is so clear. IC should have made it clear how it happens and he'd already proven his judgment was flawed. How long did he do IC?

 

I guess I don't give my husband enough credit. I mean, just because he cheated more than once; lied, lied, lied and trickle-truthed; hates psychologists (is threatened by) and has a congenital disability for talking doesn't mean he might not get some other things right. (Pardon my sarcasm.) He got the no-contact aspect right. Slipped once at 1 month when her neighbor texted on her behalf, which prompted the NC letter. Nothing since then and no question, complaint or comment about my checking. I finally stopped, but he thinks I still do which is fine. Guess that's something.

 

Moral of all this to me is that surviving infidelity is like surviving a war. You never get back that ebullient joy of living. Happiness can only go so deep.

 

Sorry for the damp enthusiasm.

[ladydesigner]

First of all, great timeline, hw. It shows that there are stages, even though the stages may vary.

 

Agree with Blues and your friend that you never really get over it. Lately I've been looking at lists and websites for relationship checkups, marriage tests, divorce-ready tests and always come back to reconciliation as the right choice - but always feels a little bit disappointed. Kind of: meh, yeah - accept, whatever.

 

But I don't understand how your husband could let this happen if you'd read those books at 6 months, hw, and he did IC:

I mean "Not Just Friends" is so clear. IC should have made it clear how it happens and he'd already proven his judgment was flawed. How long did he do IC?

 

I guess I don't give my husband enough credit. I mean, just because he cheated more than once; lied, lied, lied and trickle-truthed; hates psychologists (is threatened by) and has a congenital disability for talking doesn't mean he might not get some other things right. (Pardon my sarcasm.) He got the no-contact aspect right. Slipped once at 1 month when her neighbor texted on her behalf, which prompted the NC letter. Nothing since then and no question, complaint or comment about my checking. I finally stopped, but he thinks I still do which is fine. Guess that's something.

 

Moral of all this to me is that surviving infidelity is like surviving a war. You never get back that ebullient joy of living. Happiness can only go so deep.

 

Sorry for the damp enthusiasm.

 

Happiness from the M may not return, but your own happiness should! I come first now and my happiness is #1. That won't ever change.

[Lion Heart]

Dear Heart :-)

 

It was REALLY interesting reading your post.

Such very different experiences in R than I had.

 

I plan to write my story after my D is lodged and maybe after Christmas lol. Since I'll be with my beautiful bf for our "first anniversary" in "our first home" together at Christmas yay.

 

There were so few similarities that the COMPARISON of R for us both as BWs was illuminating for me. (Not that I really give a dung - yep - dung about the R here. Lol). But wow I really feel for you. Congratulations. I hope it only always improves for you.

 

I was surprised and kinda delighted for you when you wrote that you'd M him all over again. WOW.

This point REALLY REALLY stood out for me.

I PERSONALLY wish that exWH had died on D Day in a car crash.

Or better still that I had never set eyes on it.

I honestly KNOW that I would've been FAR better of with IVF babies rather than him.

He's HARMFUL not nurturing.

 

As for SO MANY betrayed spouses, INFIDELITY has been by far their worst life experience.

 

SOME PEEPS (not PERPS like autocorrect wanted me to write bc I think Infidelity IS a crime against the Marraige state COMPLETELY) think pffffft if THAT'S YOUR WORST experience then you haven't had MUCH bad stuff happen.

 

This is absolute hogwash.

 

Those perps oooops PEEPS lol are USUALLY UNFAITHFUL spouses. Wayward spouses. And Affair Partners - OTHER men and OTHER women.

 

I'd be BEST at Counselling people OUT of Ms like this.

Just sayin' lol. And IMHO the APs.

 

But I digress.

 

I've met so many people in R since my D Day. IRL and here and other places. I seriously have to hold myself back from pitying them.

 

Pity being my pet hate emotion.

Pity is denegrating.

Like sympathy.

 

Empathy can be empowering. Once the betrayed spouse gets THEIR POWER balance corrected in their relationship.

 

I'm doing an AMAZING Course on domestic violence atm.

 

Infidelity is sexual abuse.

 

When you put INFIDELITY in the place of the "Explosion" phase of The Cycle of Violence. You'll be enlightened SO MUCH Heart.

 

You'll see HOW the Balance of Power in your relationship has been and always WILL be out of sync UNTIL you both understand it. And both WORK on all the FOO issues of WH and possibly you but IDK about you.

 

Bluntly speaking Wayward Spouses have issues.

Usually sprung from childhood.

Especially WHs in the social context of our society. And the fight for men to "Man Up" in the ever-changing manner of our society now.

Where women are EXPECTING an EQUAL partnership in M.

 

Men like WH just can't handle it.

 

They WANT and NEED the power OVER us.

The little boy inside was not nurtured correctly.

 

The reason WHY I'm telling you all of this is in the HOPES that you can see what I see happening NOW in your M.

 

Your illness complicates this power balance in WHs dysfunction for want of a better word.

My illnesses did too.

 

That's only because they're not whole.

They find it very difficult, if not IMPOSSIBLE as in exWH case here, to GIVE what is necessary when THEIR NEEDS are so great. Too great.

 

Hence imbalance again.

 

Hopefully you can reflect on these insights and HEAL yourself in all ways sweetheart! IC will hopefully help WH retrospectively RAISE that little boy inside to become the MAN he wants and needs to be to HEAL your M.

 

The ABC Channel here has a series called MAN UP on Iview and it's getting rave reviews.

 

Men haven't handled the changes in society & struggle big time. With added FOO issues it's a molotov cocktail in M because men are finding their VALIDATION outside M to the more "traditional" role where they had power OVER a woman. THAT FITS better with WHs.

 

HUGE adjustments required for a WH to successfully R.

SUCCESSFULLY as in BE HAPPY in M without affairs.

 

The BAD habits of WSs completely is to whinge and whine to OP until they catch "the one" GIVING sympathy (really to that little child inside). IMO this is the beginning of As.

 

THIS is how the OP (WSs and all APs) who say "I didn't MEAN to have an A....it just happened" are in their modus operandi.

 

It was their MODE of seeking "comfort". That bad habit that landed them all in this hot water.

 

INSTEAD a WS can always seek comfort from anybody "safe" ie their spouse, parents, IC etc.

But they don't.

Or it's never enough.

That desperate child ....

 

So I hope you get this balance.

I can't say "restore" because it may never have existed.

An A proves it doesn't.

 

And still it's not on the BS to do all this work as we invariably TRY to FIX things too.

 

We can't ever fix a broken person.

The A was all on them.

Their own SEEKING healing HAS TO BE ALL ON THEM TOO. (That's why I have growing respect for RegretfulOne here).

 

I'll stop there lol.

 

BEST WISHES to you

Many blessings

 

Lion Heart

[heartwhole]

First of all, great timeline, hw. It shows that there are stages, even though the stages may vary.

 

Agree with Blues and your friend that you never really get over it. Lately I've been looking at lists and websites for relationship checkups, marriage tests, divorce-ready tests and always come back to reconciliation as the right choice - but always feels a little bit disappointed. Kind of: meh, yeah - accept, whatever.

 

But I don't understand how your husband could let this happen if you'd read those books at 6 months, hw, and he did IC:

I mean "Not Just Friends" is so clear. IC should have made it clear how it happens and he'd already proven his judgment was flawed. How long did he do IC?

 

I guess I don't give my husband enough credit. I mean, just because he cheated more than once; lied, lied, lied and trickle-truthed; hates psychologists (is threatened by) and has a congenital disability for talking doesn't mean he might not get some other things right. (Pardon my sarcasm.) He got the no-contact aspect right. Slipped once at 1 month when her neighbor texted on her behalf, which prompted the NC letter. Nothing since then and no question, complaint or comment about my checking. I finally stopped, but he thinks I still do which is fine. Guess that's something.

 

Moral of all this to me is that surviving infidelity is like surviving a war. You never get back that ebullient joy of living. Happiness can only go so deep.

 

Sorry for the damp enthusiasm.

 

Of course there's no excuse, but it was ostensibly to help another married male friend who was considering a business relationship with the single woman. The other guy was including my husband so it didn't seem like he was interested in being alone with the woman. But as I pointed out, it's not like this woman knew she was only supposed to be "group friends" with my husband, and after the business thing didn't work out they kept on group texting. Plus she'd always given me a weird vibe. It was a definite set back. It showed me there were still exceptions to the rule and reasons to hide things with him. For his part, he immediately blocked her number and told the guy friend that he didn't need to be texting or lunching with a single woman.

 

I don't think reconciliation is for the faint of heart. Giving up on my husband would have been justifiable for sure. I guess I just knew that I wouldn't stop pressing for what I expected from him, but understood that realistically it would be two steps forward, one step back. And I was never one of those BS who say they'll never celebrate the wedding anniversary or Valentine's Day, etc. If I'm sticking around, then it's to have a beautiful marriage. Our anniversary 8 months after DD was beautiful even though there was still so much more work to do, as there is now. I think it requires a lot of patience and a clear eye to see if there is reasonable and sustained progress. You need friends and professionals to observe you and your marriage to help with this.

[heartwhole]

Lionheart, yes, counseling shed light on my husband's emotional/character weaknesses. Our MC said he was self-absorbed with low empathy. He always believed he was so giving, and he is when it suits him, but we both shifted our thinking in light of this assessment. He also craves newness so will throw himself into new activities and relationships without calculating the toll on our family. So we did a major reset where he stopped doing anything "extra" and I imposed limits he didn't really appreciate on his activities. But as time went by, his attitude improved and thinking of the family first became a habit, and limits like I'm parenting a teen-ager are no longer necessary.

[Mrs. John Adams]

HW...with 34 behind us now...I can tell you that...we will never forget. But I will also tell you that we have never been happier than we are right now.

 

I will not say you will ever get over it...because I don't think you will...but I believe with my WHOLEHEART...that you can have a good happy wonderful marriage and life together.

 

You will be fine love...you got this.

[katielee]

Neither of us will forget. And it was WAY too high of a price to pay. But the good outweighs the bad for us. It is what it is, something that happened. I don't worry about forgiveness, acceptance or healing. It just happens as time goes by and we both try hard and give to the relationship.

I will always hold a little bit of myself back. But, I was thinking yesterday, there is no one I trust more NOW than him. And it's been 5.5 years since I've felt like that. It takes years to build back trust. I think MC/IC try to rush trust and forgiveness. I'm not sure who thought of the phrase that action begets feelings. Yeah, no. At least not here.

 

Lionheart - that was a thought provoking post.