Jump to content

During the affair, OW/OM around children....


Cloudcuckoo

Recommended Posts

Another thread got me looking at how this affects us and our children if/when we discover the other had any contact with our children during the affair.

 

It was said that the other woman had actually played, handled and bought gifts for her other man's children...that actually made me nauseous...revolting...is that just me?

 

How, as the BS, did you navigate any involvement with your children? I found it the most difficult thing to handle. That my children's names were spoken out of his other woman's mouth made me want to knock seven bells out of her frankly, and I'm not an advocate of violent retaliation in any form, but my husband's affair was so mind boggling to me I wanted to smash his face in too!

 

My husband told me that his [affair partner] thought she'd be able to 'win' our (all but a young teen, grown) children over should she usurp me as his wife, and that they would come round eventually.

 

Made plans for the teenager to live with them both in her house in fairy lala land and all would be rainbows and kittens for ever and ever...

 

After dday, she sent emails to him with me cc'd in them (as she thought this was 'the right thing to do'???) obviously jacked off he'd not 'chosen' golden girl, and making deliberate references to the plans she'd made for my children, naming them all, and for my benefit, information she had about them and their lives.

 

she lived 360 miles away, so never got near them in reality until she travelled the distance to stalk them and me while contacting each of them (yes even my teenager) by phone telling them all manner of s*** ....

 

It was dealt with quite effectively through legal channels after she poisoned our pet and ended up having a little holiday at Her Majesty's Pleasure. I never laid eyes on the woman thankfully, because everyone knows as I've said before, you never poke a Mummy bear. I might not have been able to control myself had I been face to face with her.

 

My eldest was deeply affected by it all, and though the relationship between her and her Father is healthy now, she lets him know if she thinks he's being a bit of a berk. Our second daughter is struggling to come to terms with infidelity after discovering her husband was seeing another woman. She's now on her own with our two grandchildren. Our son has issues in his relationships with women, and our youngest (the teen at the time) also finds it hard to trust.

 

Perhaps I'm just overtly sensitive to this particular issue, but I thought I'd put it out there to see how all of you feel/felt about contact with your children during the affair.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

The contact between her and my kids came about after the A was over.

 

I agree with what you said about seeking legal help. While most ow would never hurt a child, there are some who would,and from what you say, the one in your situation was like the one in mine. They both showed very little to no capacity for empathy and understanding, and lived off in their own little worlds.

 

I don't understand this desperation and complete inability to empathize. Even if she and your H had gotten together on a full time basis, your children would likely not have been thrilled about the arrangement. It sounds like the ow in your situation has little to no capacity for empathy or understanding how a child ( even an adult one) might feel in that situation.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some OW just want your whole life don't they?

 

My husband at least was respectful in this area. He never let her get near our children. but he did talk about them and cry to her about how he felt bad for hurting the kids and how he missed them and it made me sick to my stomach to read an email after an incident with our son ....she's giving him advice on how to deal with our son and what to say to him and all that. Ok shut up woman you arent that much older than our son. Makes me sick to know she even said their names and thought she would have a relationship with them.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

There was never any contact. But seeing him mention my daughter by her nickname in a message to my W made my blood boil.

 

 

Our daughter knew nothing of what her mother was doing. But obviously, they had talk that included references to her.

 

 

It made me furious for that scum to refer to her in any way but especially by her nickname as if he had any kind of connection to her.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There was never any contact. But seeing him mention my daughter by her nickname in a message to my W made my blood boil.

 

 

Our daughter knew nothing of what her mother was doing. But obviously, they had talk that included references to her.

 

 

It made me furious for that scum to refer to her in any way but especially by her nickname as if he had any kind of connection to her.

 

I have the utmost understanding Camelot....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The contact between her and my kids came about after the A was over.

 

I agree with what you said about seeking legal help. While most ow would never hurt a child, there are some who would,and from what you say, the one in your situation was like the one in mine. They both showed very little to no capacity for empathy and understanding, and lived off in their own little worlds.

 

I don't understand this desperation and complete inability to empathize. Even if she and your H had gotten together on a full time basis, your children would likely not have been thrilled about the arrangement. It sounds like the ow in your situation has little to no capacity for empathy or understanding how a child ( even an adult one) might feel in that situation.

 

 

If it isn't too impertinent Macbride, what on earth was she doing near your children after your husband's affair was over? That sounds as creepy as my own post dday drama...

 

I learned that my husband's concubine was barren. Whether that added fuel to her cauldron or not I don't know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It was my ExOM...he used to say things about my daughter like, we'd always have a sitter (if we ended up together) for the younger kids. I honestly didn't think much about him saying things like that until years later (A had been over for a long time) he approached me while I was with her. I honestly went off...not only did I never want her to know who he was but thinking about my H reaction knowing he came up to, not only me but our kid...unless the AP is going to be the kid's step parent, they should never know who they are.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

How I see it: OW/OM are humans with feelings like the rest of the people, so I believe they TRULY care for their affair partner's children. What I'm trying to say is that a real problem begins when OW/OM doesn't treat the children well. I'm trying to put myself in yours shoes, how would I feel if my partner had an affair and how it could affect our kids. Honestly, I'd probably feel the same but for the end of the day, you can't escape from it. Would you hate me if I fell for your husband and I'd be able to love your kids, too...?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wasn't a factor for me, thank goodness. But I recently outed an affair when I found out from the ow that she had flown to a resort where mm was with his child and no wife.

 

I was sick to my stomach. The ow is a lousy mother to her own kids, and I was nauseous at the thought that she met this child without the mother's knowledge. Or that they managed to sneak alone time when he had flown to a hotel to spend time one on one with his child. The ow is a drinker and tends to open up too much when drunk. She has no clue who outed her. But she's not happy.

 

The letter I wrote ended the affair, but I did not tell the bs about the hotel, because that info coming anonymously seemed too much in light of what she was dealing with. The mm spent 18 months telling ow he was preparing to leave the bs, and when he had the perfect chance to live the fantasy, he stayed with his wife and ended the affair. But it was his involvement of the child that disgusted me. I know how much time my wh took from our kids while cheating. So do they.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger
There was never any contact. But seeing him mention my daughter by her nickname in a message to my W made my blood boil.

 

 

Our daughter knew nothing of what her mother was doing. But obviously, they had talk that included references to her.

 

 

It made me furious for that scum to refer to her in any way but especially by her nickname as if he had any kind of connection to her.

 

 

Oh yes! And sent copies of his senior pictures, articles in the paper about his athletic achievements. I flipped out. My husband at first didn't get it, until of course she later used what she knew about our family to harass us after Dday. Still makes me angry. When I look at the pics or articles I know he shared with her, it gives me a little pang. Tarnishing his sons achievements like that is pretty low.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know how much time my wh took from our kids while cheating. So do they.

 

I think this speaks volumes. I know my kids know this too.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
How I see it: OW/OM are humans with feelings like the rest of the people, so I believe they TRULY care for their affair partner's children. What I'm trying to say is that a real problem begins when OW/OM doesn't treat the children well. I'm trying to put myself in yours shoes, how would I feel if my partner had an affair and how it could affect our kids. Honestly, I'd probably feel the same but for the end of the day, you can't escape from it. Would you hate me if I fell for your husband and I'd be able to love your kids, too...?

 

I agree with this too a point...like my exOM is in a type of law enforcement...if my kids were in trouble in his area, I know he'd help them out bc deep down he cares about me & he looks at my kids like they're a part of me BUT doesn't make it right. Kids should never know AP unless you're going to be together...if not AP need to back off the kids! My exOM has kids now, I would never in a million years want them to know who I am!

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was said that the other woman had actually played, handled and bought gifts for her other man's children...that actually made me nauseous...revolting...is that just me?

 

It is absolutely revolting for an OW to give the BS's child something during the A. It is disrespectful, degrading, delusional, and just F**king stupid.

 

MOW met my kids because she worked for my WH, but was never stupid enough to do something like that thank god.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
If it isn't too impertinent Macbride, what on earth was she doing near your children after your husband's affair was over? That sounds as creepy as my own post dday drama...

 

I learned that my husband's concubine was barren. Whether that added fuel to her cauldron or not I don't know.

 

He was deployed and I think she thought she could get under my skin. It backfired though. She ended up facing repercussions for her actions. We were living on a base, and her behavior was not tolerated.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
How I see it: OW/OM are humans with feelings like the rest of the people, so I believe they TRULY care for their affair partner's children. What I'm trying to say is that a real problem begins when OW/OM doesn't treat the children well. I'm trying to put myself in yours shoes, how would I feel if my partner had an affair and how it could affect our kids. Honestly, I'd probably feel the same but for the end of the day, you can't escape from it. Would you hate me if I fell for your husband and I'd be able to love your kids, too...?

 

I'm hoping I don;t sound to angry when I explain this.

 

Try thinking of it this way. As a bs,there is a good chance that most of your knowledge about the ow/om is based on their action of being involved with your spouse. That's not exactly the best start to a situation.

 

Also, in many cases, the A hurts the children ( there was a thread some time ago on here about that, and many of those who responded based their answers on their own experience as a child who had a parent who cheated on their mom or dad). If you are a parent, seeing your child hurt is heartbreaking. Again, not a good foundation for future interaction.

 

In an ideal world, the more people who love a child the better, but how can a bs trust the ow/om to treat their child well? After all, said child's welfare was of no concern when the ow/om decided to get together with the ws.

 

( i'm not trying to turn this into who is responsible for the A, etc. The fact is that the ow/om participated,which meant they helped to cause the emotional pain to the children)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It is absolutely revolting for an OW to give the BS's child something during the A. It is disrespectful, degrading, delusional, and just F**king stupid.

 

MOW met my kids because she worked for my WH, but was never stupid enough to do something like that thank god.

 

 

I've seen a comment made about how some people lack emotional intelligence. that seems to apply here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
What I'm trying to say is that a real problem begins when OW/OM doesn't treat the children well.

 

Do you understand that the second an OW becomes Ana OW is the second they dart not treating the children well. ???

 

If OW really cared about the children, they would not be participating in an action that could devastate their world and change their life forever.

 

This goes for the MM as well.

 

I'm not sayi the kids aren't loved they just aren't loved as much as the two people in the affair love THEMSELVES.

 

People will say they'll do anything for the happiness of their children but then they go off and have an affair. OW thinks she loves the kids by proxy but really she's just contributing to hurting them and the BS is completely torn on what the right thing to do is...keep the family together and take back the cheater (will it just cause more pain? Who knows) or walk away and divorce now (hurting the kids but maybe better in the long run but maybe not)

 

Point is...it's hypocritical to say you care about someone's kids when you are actively involved destroying their inner cocoon and sense of security to meet your own needs

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
I've seen a comment made about how some people lack emotional intelligence. that seems to apply here.

 

I meant to the situation,not that it the phrase applies to you

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oooooh, grrrrrr, so glad to be asked this question - don't think I've ever written or talked about it much.

 

My husband was staying at her house (my sister-in-law) doing remodeling WITH MY SON. Here are just a few of the reasons I hate her:

 

- My (adult) children were all suspecting/worrying about an affair between their father and aunt. Before they actually were told there'd been one, this son, who was staying in OW's house and working with his dad, told his brother and sister not to worry because he was there - and that's why he was there - and he would make sure nothing happened ... So then when the 3 children found out, I knew he felt like he'd failed and this never bothered my husband. Went right over his head.

 

- My son was broke, couldn't find a job at the time and every once in a while would ask his father for some money. My husband would complain to SIL/OW who wrote him in one email in all caps, "DON'T GIVE ANOTHER DIME TO [son]!!"

 

- When my son graduated from law school, he asked SIL/OW for a reference because she's a lawyer. She never answered and told my husband she wouldn't do it. She couldn't vouch for his moral fiber because he'd let her down when she needed him to babysit - yet she was having an affair with his father and lying about it while practicing law herself. Moral fiber....

 

In the past 10 years, another OW - before I knew about that A (many years before) - decided to get close to my daughter while royally snubbing me.

 

That about does it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you understand that the second an OW becomes Ana OW is the second they dart not treating the children well. ???

 

If OW really cared about the children, they would not be participating in an action that could devastate their world and change their life forever.

 

This goes for the MM as well.

 

I'm not sayi the kids aren't loved they just aren't loved as much as the two people in the affair love THEMSELVES.

 

People will say they'll do anything for the happiness of their children but then they go off and have an affair. OW thinks she loves the kids by proxy but really she's just contributing to hurting them and the BS is completely torn on what the right thing to do is...keep the family together and take back the cheater (will it just cause more pain? Who knows) or walk away and divorce now (hurting the kids but maybe better in the long run but maybe not)

 

Point is...it's hypocritical to say you care about someone's kids when you are actively involved destroying their inner cocoon and sense of security to meet your own needs

 

I don't think this applies to OW without kids. Someone that doesn't have kids isn't going to understand & if a WS is telling a person without kids how terrible their marriage is & how awful their spouse is as a parent the AP is going to think a divorce & being good to the kids is a good thing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Oooooh, grrrrrr, so glad to be asked this question - don't think I've ever written or talked about it much.

 

My husband was staying at her house (my sister-in-law) doing remodeling WITH MY SON. Here are just a few of the reasons I hate her:

 

- My (adult) children were all suspecting/worrying about an affair between their father and aunt. Before they actually were told there'd been one, this son, who was staying in OW's house and working with his dad, told his brother and sister not to worry because he was there - and that's why he was there - and he would make sure nothing happened ... So then when the 3 children found out, I knew he felt like he'd failed and this never bothered my husband. Went right over his head.

 

- My son was broke, couldn't find a job at the time and every once in a while would ask his father for some money. My husband would complain to SIL/OW who wrote him in one email in all caps, "DON'T GIVE ANOTHER DIME TO [son]!!"

 

- When my son graduated from law school, he asked SIL/OW for a reference because she's a lawyer. She never answered and told my husband she wouldn't do it. She couldn't vouch for his moral fiber because he'd let her down when she needed him to babysit - yet she was having an affair with his father and lying about it while practicing law herself. Moral fiber....

 

In the past 10 years, another OW - before I knew about that A (many years before) - decided to get close to my daughter while royally snubbing me.

 

That about does it.

 

Oh that must have been most unpleasant to have to hear merrmeade....and having read your story, to come from someone who was supposed to be extended family too. Vile...

 

It would have made me want to chase her with a baseball bat to hear her speak about my children like that! Nasty bovine. None of her business, but that's your t**t of a husband's fault too for letting her get away with it.

 

 

After dday that's what I told himself. She did what she did because YOU LET HER...

 

 

your sister-in-laws a total dick....

Edited by Cloudcuckoo
Language
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh that must have been most unpleasant to have to hear merrmeade....and having read your story, to come from someone who was supposed to be extended family too. Vile...

 

It would have made me want to chase her with a baseball bat to hear her speak about my children like that! Nasty bovine. None of her business, but that's your t**t of a husband's fault too for letting her get away with it.

 

 

After dday that's what I told himself. She did what she did because YOU LET HER...

 

your sister-in-laws a total dick....

Just responded to this post then inadvertently closed my browser and lost it. Rewritten because it felt so good to chew on this a while. Hope I remember to spit it out and not swallow...

 

Hmmm interesting to call her a dick, CC, but it does goes with her assault on my family's life from every direction.

 

Oh, yes, and talk about gaslighting and affair fog! None of it sank in at the time or ever for that matter. I've discovered that only after laying it out like this and then hearing the reactions of strangers, I fully absorb the extent of her messedupness.

 

There are not enough pins in all voodoodom to deal with the family f-k she gave us. So many stories, so little time.

 

OMG how apropos is your signature?!

you can wrap a turd in tin foil, cover it in glitter and spray it with Chanel...it's still a turd...
... though "Chanel" triggered another memory of the fragrance he bought her two years in a row. I often fantasize about it, imagining myself smashing it into a thousand pieces in the road, the fragrance wafting over everyone and everything and THEN turning my back on her to leave for the last time. But she would've just painted me (again) as vitriolic, unchristian, unforgiving, etc.

 

At least she got it finally that I never want to see or hear from her again but, yes, a complete and total dick.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just responded to this post then inadvertently closed my browser and lost it. Rewritten because it felt so good to chew on this a while. Hope I remember to spit it out and not swallow...

 

Hmmm interesting to call her a dick, CC, but it does goes with her assault on my family's life from every direction.

 

Oh, yes, and talk about gaslighting and affair fog! None of it sank in at the time or ever for that matter. I've discovered that only after laying it out like this and then hearing the reactions of strangers, I fully absorb the extent of her messedupness.

 

There are not enough pins in all voodoodom to deal with the family f-k she gave us. So many stories, so little time.

 

 

 

OMG how apropos is your signature?! ... though "Chanel" triggered another memory of the fragrance he bought her two years in a row. I often fantasize about it, imagining myself smashing it into a thousand pieces in the road, the fragrance wafting over everyone and everything and THEN turning my back on her to leave for the last time. But she would've just painted me (again) as vitriolic, unchristian, unforgiving, etc.

 

At least she got it finally that I never want to see or hear from her again but, yes, a complete and total dick.

 

You don't have to give her sweet Fanny Adams my friend, let alone forgiveness.

 

You're husband owes you big time, which I'm sure he is fully aware of,

 

You don't owe her at all. Anyone deluded enough to think it's okay to poke Mummy bear by having anything to say about her children should be fit enough to run very fast.......

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, My ex introduced our son to his AP during the affair too. He took him to work with him one day and introduced him to everyone. She gave my son cake and he remembered it. This happened over a year before I found out about the affair and kicked him out.

 

The downfall of this... after his father and I split up and his father moved in immediately with the OW, my son remembered meeting her at his father's job. He told me, at the ripe age of only 6, that he knows why his father and I split up... that it was because of the OW. He remembered meeting her and his father introducing her as his special friend... and went on to comment that his father shouldn't have been friends with her while he was still with me. He also told me later on that he remembers his father talking on the phone to some female all the time when I wasn't around. Apparently his father thought he wasn't paying attention or wouldn't remember this, but our son listened to their conversations and recalled them to me much later on.

 

He was SIX and he understood it all quite clearly and is still angry with his dad for doing that and for choosing to be with the OW instead of his family.

 

Kids are very intuitive... he knew what was going on and it wasn't because anyone told him. I never talked about it with him, I still haven't. He only surmised that this was why.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've a not so close friend, who is also an OW and when I heard her on the phone asking her MM what she should get his kids for Christmas, I felt sick. Very sick that she should even mention his kids at all, as if the A isn't bad enough.

 

As a mother herself I just can't understand why she would do this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...