Would you let your children around the affair partner turned gf

[Raena]

If your husband or wife had an affair and you have primary custody of the children... how would you handle your children having to be around the OW/OM after the marriage ends?

 

This is the part of infidelity that most people don't talk about. How does it affect the children?

 

I read multiple articles about the ex-wife being forgiving and open with the new wife or gf about the children to make a happy environment for the children. I just don't see that happening in my future at all. There are 2 OW who are both still involved in my exes life and I don't want my child around either one of them. I often wonder to myself if I'm just harboring anger towards them and maybe I should let it go but you know what? Both of them behaved in such a disgusting and negative way towards me that I can't get past that and just be ok with my child being around either of them.

 

If you read some of my backstory on here, you'll understand a little more why I'm so skeptical of this. If my ex found a new woman who was actually decent to me, I suspect I'd be much more open to this idea. But the two women he cheated on me with? Nope, neither one of them have behaved even remotely decent to me and I feel like I shouldn't ever have to deal with either of them being around my child. My "momma bear" instincts kick in and I think "Oh HELL no!"

 

At any rate, it's not an issue at the moment for me and may not ever be but I'm curious as to how everyone else who has dealt with infidelity feels about this particular parenting issue.

[Whoknew30]

Unless there's abuse, in your husband's time there's nothing you can do. I know it sucks but that is the exact reason divorce & child custody is hard...when the kids are with their dad, there isn't anything you really can say no to, without going back to court but once again if there isn't any abuse, there's not much you can do.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this & it's not ideal but once a relationship breaks up, you can't really tell the parent what they can & can not do with the kids.

 

My friends mom's all married their AP & my friends are all fine with familys of their own...I've not personally seen anyone that's not gotten over their parents A or divorce. We all through different challenges in life the best thing to teach kids is to handle things in a healthy manner, it's not about what happens to anyone, what's more important is how one handles what's happened to them...all you can do, good luck

[Midwestmissy]

Control what you can. Be the solid, moral adult that they deserve. They actually deserved 2, but you can do double time. The ripples from your modelling adult behaviour will last a lot longer than those ow.

 

When they're with you, embrace and savour what he was so willing to toss away. You are the winner as far as that goes, and when the kids grow up, they'll know that.

[aileD]

I didn't want mine around her either. The main reason for that was not that she was having an affair with my H or was only 5 years older than our daughter----it was because when our kids found out about the affair and I told her they were hurting and could she back off and let me and H figure out our marriage and if we were going fix it or divorce (he was waffling at the time)....she totally disregarded how my children felt which proved to me that she did not give a flying **** about my children at all. All she wanted was my husband.

 

I told my husband they would never be around her unless they chose to. They're old enough to decide for themselves. That I didn't care what a court said, that I wasn't going to force my kids to be in a house with someone they didn't feel good about. Knowing that my kids are older and know about the affair and were actively being damaged by the affair, I was told it would not be in their best interest to force visitation unless she wasn't around

 

Too much went on that I knew here would never be a time we would ever be in a room together. husband saw this and understood thankfully

 

I think when your kids are younger, and they don't know and the father is a good father and there's no danger to the kids then you really don't have a say in it.

 

It sucks yes. But it's about your kids and not you and H. Had my kids come to a point where they wanted to be around her then I would not have stopped them.

[flowergirl14]

Would I want them around someone who has had a part in destroying their family? No way? Their dad or mother was the one who ultimately betrayed the kids, put their needs ahead of the kids. I can never understand the short sightness of the wayward spouses thinking. Anyway, maybe you could put in a divorce decree that there will be no contact with any other romantic partner for a year or two. As far as step parents go..I have had many. Both of my parents remarrying 2 times each. None of those people ever held a candle to my real parents. I saw through their disordered sh*t. Step parents come and go but not your real bio parents if your lucky. Model loving behavior. You are the rock star to your kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

Anyway, maybe you could put in a divorce decree that there will be no contact with any other romantic partner for a year or two.

 

Sadly, don't think this would be enforceable or in some cases provable. You're also putting you kids in the awkward position of having to rat out one of the parents.

 

For me, my job was no different before or after divorcing my WS - be the best parent I could be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Kids are a lot more perceptive than we think. If your ex's ow are trashy, your children will pick up on that and not model their behavior.

[road]

Women of low morals need to be kept away from kids.

[Raena]

Like I said... my situation is unique. It's not as simple as... when he's with his father I have no say. He hasn't seen his father in 2 years because he lives 12 hours away from us. Eventually he will though and I fear what kind of drama will ensue because of it.

 

OW2 won't even let him talk to his child on the phone without making a scene. We tried video chatting and had to stop it because she would be in the background screaming and yelling and cussing at my ex to get off the computer and come do what she wanted right.this.minute kind of thing. She is extremely jealous of me and wants him to not have anything to do with me or my child. She even went so far as to yank the phone out of his hands and start screaming at me one night just a couple months ago for no reason what so ever. He had called to talk about his plans to come visit us and she completely wigged out that he was even talking to me. I don't think she was aware that he was planning to come here to see his child. I haven't heard from him since that night though and he didn't come so maybe she did know. He had said they weren't together anymore, but he lives with her sister and she just randomly shows up when she feels like it. That house sounds like a domestic dispute waiting to happen. From what I've heard, the police have been called there multiple times but I have no proof of that.

 

I have REAL concerns about my child being around this kind of toxic jerry springerish behavior. I certainly don't feel comfortable with sending him that far away to be around this kind of nuttiness and I'll fight it every step of the way should my ex ever try to force it to happen.

 

I know I'm worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I have a feeling it will come eventually and I need to get my head wrapped around how I want to deal with it before the question of him going away to see his father comes up.

[NTV]

He breathes the consequences of his choices. It stinks your child is 2 live with some of those... they will grow up knowing exactly who his father is. And that all I can make his own choices on how he wants to behave and what kind of person he wants to be.

 

You've been a parent long enough now to realize that a good majority of time spent is Janitorial in nature. Making the best of what you have is a good lesson to learn at any age.

[Raena]

Kids are a lot more perceptive than we think. If your ex's ow are trashy, your children will pick up on that and not model their behavior.

 

I don't think I'm as worried about him modeling her behavior as I am with him feeling anxious and unwelcome at his fathers. The few times I tried to let my son go to his father's with her there he came home in hysterics every time to the point where I finally had to say... enough is enough. She can't be around when he visits. This was when he still lived near us and he was only there for a weekend. Now it's a 12 hour trip and an extended stay if he does go. Her kids are bullies and tease him mercilessly, she acts like a psycho screaming at me, screaming at my child, they didn't actually spend time with him but instead left the kids alone while they locked themselves in the bedroom or he left my son alone with her and her kids while he went to work instead of spending time with him. It was a nightmare situation. It's because of this that I'm feeling so much anxiety about sending my child anywhere near where she is. She hasn't changed at all, it's been 3 years since we split up and she is still very jealous and nasty to me and my child.

[Noirek]

As has been shared not much legally you can do with small children unless you have the court backing you. But I wouldn't borrow trouble. Your husband abandoned his child. I doubt the court will make you send him to visit at any point and I wouldn't recommend sending him there freely. If he gets his act together he can come and visit his son in his son's safe enviroment. I have heard far too many awful stories and seen them with my own eyes of children going to a parent's home where the parent is only having them out of guilt or obligation and them being ignored or worse.

 

You continue being the best Mom you can be. That's all he needs.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Would I have allowed my children near my husband's concubine? Never in a million years....

 

Thankfully they were old enough to make up their own minds after the event, though our youngest was in her early teens. The woman was the epitome of dangerously deluded.

 

My husband's girlfriend apparently, working very hard to usurp my position as his wife, thought she would of course play 'Mummy' to her prospective future husband's children, especially as she hadn't been able to bear her own.

 

When the proverbial hit after dday, she contacted my girls, telling them things they should never have heard, travelled 360 miles to harass, threaten and stalk them and me, and poisoned our sweet retriever.

 

Everybody knows you never poke a mummy bear....

 

Frankly I wanted to beat the living **** out of both her and my husband for bringing that utter lunacy into my children's lives, but I just lit the touch paper, sat back and watched....job done....

[howtoproceed]

Its an interesting question of principle but legally its not up to you. In fact, your husband could introduce his AP to the kids while you are married. I guess it's all part of the no-fault country that we live in. I mean, once it was essentially ok to have an affair, in the sense that there would be no consequences in a divorce, why not let the kids get to knows daddy's affair partner?

[ladydesigner]

Like I said... my situation is unique. It's not as simple as... when he's with his father I have no say. He hasn't seen his father in 2 years because he lives 12 hours away from us. Eventually he will though and I fear what kind of drama will ensue because of it.

 

OW2 won't even let him talk to his child on the phone without making a scene. We tried video chatting and had to stop it because she would be in the background screaming and yelling and cussing at my ex to get off the computer and come do what she wanted right.this.minute kind of thing. She is extremely jealous of me and wants him to not have anything to do with me or my child. She even went so far as to yank the phone out of his hands and start screaming at me one night just a couple months ago for no reason what so ever. He had called to talk about his plans to come visit us and she completely wigged out that he was even talking to me. I don't think she was aware that he was planning to come here to see his child. I haven't heard from him since that night though and he didn't come so maybe she did know. He had said they weren't together anymore, but he lives with her sister and she just randomly shows up when she feels like it. That house sounds like a domestic dispute waiting to happen. From what I've heard, the police have been called there multiple times but I have no proof of that.

 

I have REAL concerns about my child being around this kind of toxic jerry springerish behavior. I certainly don't feel comfortable with sending him that far away to be around this kind of nuttiness and I'll fight it every step of the way should my ex ever try to force it to happen.

 

I know I'm worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I have a feeling it will come eventually and I need to get my head wrapped around how I want to deal with it before the question of him going away to see his father comes up.

 

Whoa sounds like a real winner! I would keep tabs on this because if you can get proof you can use it to keep kids away from the OW, especially when she acts like a wild freak.

[ladydesigner]

I don't think I'm as worried about him modeling her behavior as I am with him feeling anxious and unwelcome at his fathers. The few times I tried to let my son go to his father's with her there he came home in hysterics every time to the point where I finally had to say... enough is enough. She can't be around when he visits. This was when he still lived near us and he was only there for a weekend. Now it's a 12 hour trip and an extended stay if he does go. Her kids are bullies and tease him mercilessly, she acts like a psycho screaming at me, screaming at my child, they didn't actually spend time with him but instead left the kids alone while they locked themselves in the bedroom or he left my son alone with her and her kids while he went to work instead of spending time with him. It was a nightmare situation. It's because of this that I'm feeling so much anxiety about sending my child anywhere near where she is. She hasn't changed at all, it's been 3 years since we split up and she is still very jealous and nasty to me and my child.

 

Reading about this OW I would be concerned. Document this stuff and slam them in court.

[Raena]

Its an interesting question of principle but legally its not up to you. In fact, your husband could introduce his AP to the kids while you are married. I guess it's all part of the no-fault country that we live in. I mean, once it was essentially ok to have an affair, in the sense that there would be no consequences in a divorce, why not let the kids get to knows daddy's affair partner?

 

Because she's a psychopath? Reason enough for me.

[S2B]

You can't control who the kids are around.

 

Even a court order isn't effective.

[Raena]

You can't control who the kids are around.

 

Even a court order isn't effective.

 

What makes you say that?

[standtall]

A court order like that is unenforceable from 12 hrs away...even if you could get one.

[S2B]

What makes you say that?

 

May I ask how old you are?

 

I'm old. A court order means nothing - unless you plan to spend hundred of thousands of dollars trying to enforce it by having your kids followed every minute of the day and calling the police every time there is an "offense"... even then you must show proof and then prosecute each time.

 

 

Why are your kids 12 hours away from you?

[Raena]

A court order like that is unenforceable from 12 hrs away...even if you could get one.

 

Yeah a court order is not something I'm even considering. It's not going to fix this problem.

 

In fact, the only court order I'd be asking for is a change to full custody for me with visitation at my discretion.

[S2B]

Yeah a court order is not something I'm even considering. It's not going to fix this problem.

 

In fact, the only court order I'd be asking for is a change to full custody for me with visitation at my discretion.

 

Why don't you have full time custody now?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why are your kids 12 hours away from you?

 

The OP's kids aren't, it's the ex that's 12 hours away. She has custody:

 

Like I said... my situation is unique. It's not as simple as... when he's with his father I have no say. He hasn't seen his father in 2 years because he lives 12 hours away from us.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raena]

Why don't you have full time custody now?

 

There is no such thing as full time custody, did you mean sole custody?

 

I have physical custody, which means he lives with me as his primary residence. We have joint custody for major issues (medical needs, schooling, etc.) but his father never exercises his rights to be a part of those things. Visitation is a separate part of custody. Our agreement says that visitation is at our mutual agreement. This is because as soon as he found out we were going to court... he dumped the OW and started seeing his son regularly. It appeared to the court that we were handling it well on our own and didn't need a set visitation schedule. Then as soon as court was over, he got back together with OW and then moved out of state without saying goodbye to our son, notifying the court or letting me know.