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LargoLagg

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I'm not even sure where to put this post. I'm a MM who just ended a short emotional affair. It started by accident, really, and when I first felt that tug, I probably should have made myself scarce, but I didn't. Things progressed from there, I LOVE YOUs were spoken, but when it was all said and done, I couldn't go from the heart to the physical. It took a little while, but we broke off contact. We didn't want any of the problems that you can read about on this website.

 

Pat on the back, I did the right thing. I felt like I was falling in love, but I now realize I'm not really in love, so compared to what I've been through before in my life, this isn't even close to being hard. But compared to where I was just a few weeks ago, this is so difficult. I miss her. I miss talking to her and being near her. I want to smell her, to hear her voice. I want to make her smile. It's curious, I don't feel like much is different at home. It's not like I'm desperate to get away from my life, if I'm honest, I just wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I realized that in the long term, nobody would have been happy with that. This was a disaster in the making.

 

In a way, I feel like this is "rich people problems", but there is a uniquely bad feeling when two people who want to be together cannot do so, for whatever reason. I don't even know the word, but this is a difficult temptation to resist and it it makes me feel bad, almost like something good is being wasted. What I want is to feel differently, and I want it now.

 

I know what I'm supposed to do. I need to take a little time to let myself feel some loss. I need to start feeling grateful for what I've kept. I need to get busy, reconnect on some level with the wife. I need to change my mindset, to stop wondering about the "might have beens". I'll probably never know how it would turn out, and I just have to get used to it. I need to remind myself that most relationships end in failure, for cause, and in that way, this is probably one of them.

 

But my heart tells me today that love is the journey, not the destination. You win the lottery while you play, not when your number matches at the end. I feel so melancholy today.

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This really touches a nerve for me because my boyfriend had the emotional affair pretty much like you described. I discovered it and he cut it off and I tried to forgive him. A year later they started all over again, and this time it went to physical and then to him starting a relationship with her. It broke my heart more seeing those loving words, the long conversations, discussing our relationship with her, than if he had just slept with her. I keep telling myself maybe they were just meant to be and we weren't hence why he chose her. I had read many posts where the emotional affairs have progressed and then they regret it, as they realise what they have thrown away for the excitement of attraction and then the sex.

 

I think deep down you know where your heart is, where your happiness is and the grass is not always greener. Also think about the woman that is happy to get involved with someone that is not available. I despise my ex's girlfriend, knowing he was with me and still pursued him, talked rubbish about me (I didn't even know her). I know it takes 2, but I have way more respect for myself than to even go there!

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I think the best way to move on would be to cut off contact completely with the OW and put all your energy NOT into work, hobbies, etc, but into your WIFE. Find a way to reconnect with her through date nights, vacation just the two of you, or even counseling. Fall in love with your wife again, on a deeper level, so there will be no room whatsoever for anyone else to interfere in your marriage again.

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funny you should say that

 

First, we are already NC, not the obstinate, nasty kind, but more like the "I hate to do it, but this is probably best for now" kind. Reluctant but firm?

 

Second, in a past life, my way of coping would have been to collect a bunch of notches on my bedpost, the more the merrier. F*ck the pain away.

 

Obviously, I can't do that, so yes, I need to find the married equivalent, which involves less sex, more things to do. I don't know if dates (the kind you go on when you're single) would be as helpful as maybe finding something productive to do together..To share a goal and accomplish it, and to have visible reminders we can both enjoy in our lives. Whether that's painting a room or rearranging the furniture or whatever. I think that appeals to me more, because that's all about teamwork, partnership, etc. Dating is about discovery and I don't think that's what we need. We need me to feel like "I'm in this with you" is what we need, and nothing gets the communication going like having to work together, especially if we can have some fun doing it. On a date or a vacation, I'm afraid that in my present mental state, the conversation might stagnate because I've got something on my mind that I can't really talk about with her.

 

Does that make any sense?

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This really touches a nerve for me because my boyfriend had the emotional affair pretty much like you described. I discovered it and he cut it off and I tried to forgive him. A year later they started all over again, and this time it went to physical and then to him starting a relationship with her. It broke my heart more seeing those loving words, the long conversations, discussing our relationship with her, than if he had just slept with her. I keep telling myself maybe they were just meant to be and we weren't hence why he chose her. I had read many posts where the emotional affairs have progressed and then they regret it, as they realise what they have thrown away for the excitement of attraction and then the sex.

 

I think deep down you know where your heart is, where your happiness is and the grass is not always greener. Also think about the woman that is happy to get involved with someone that is not available. I despise my ex's girlfriend, knowing he was with me and still pursued him, talked rubbish about me (I didn't even know her). I know it takes 2, but I have way more respect for myself than to even go there!

 

Yeah, see you discovered it, then he cut it off and you have to wonder what would have happened if you hadn't interfered. Right? What would HE have done?

 

Also, in my case, my friend was not so happy to get involved with Mr. Unavailable. The involvement crept up on her much the same way it did on me.... slowly, almost imperceptibly, then one day you see what's happening, and it continues to grow while you deny it's happening, then agonizing over what to do, or maybe how to do it, or for me, you tell yourself that enjoying it just a little more won't do any harm, which it doesn't, really, except for making it harder to pull away.

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funny you should say that

 

First, we are already NC, not the obstinate, nasty kind, but more like the "I hate to do it, but this is probably best for now" kind. Reluctant but firm?

 

Second, in a past life, my way of coping would have been to collect a bunch of notches on my bedpost, the more the merrier. F*ck the pain away.

 

Obviously, I can't do that, so yes, I need to find the married equivalent, which involves less sex, more things to do. I don't know if dates (the kind you go on when you're single) would be as helpful as maybe finding something productive to do together..To share a goal and accomplish it, and to have visible reminders we can both enjoy in our lives. Whether that's painting a room or rearranging the furniture or whatever. I think that appeals to me more, because that's all about teamwork, partnership, etc. Dating is about discovery and I don't think that's what we need. We need me to feel like "I'm in this with you" is what we need, and nothing gets the communication going like having to work together, especially if we can have some fun doing it. On a date or a vacation, I'm afraid that in my present mental state, the conversation might stagnate because I've got something on my mind that I can't really talk about with her.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

If that's what it takes to feel closer to and bond with your wife, then that's a great idea....as long as you aren't using that as a way to avoid intimacy with your wife. You need that too.

 

Start new projects, rituals, and traditions with your wife now so you'll have plenty to talk about and start to feel closer to her again.

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40somethingGuy
I'm not even sure where to put this post. I'm a MM who just ended a short emotional affair. It started by accident, really, and when I first felt that tug, I probably should have made myself scarce, but I didn't. Things progressed from there, I LOVE YOUs were spoken, but when it was all said and done, I couldn't go from the heart to the physical. It took a little while, but we broke off contact. We didn't want any of the problems that you can read about on this website.

 

Pat on the back, I did the right thing. I felt like I was falling in love, but I now realize I'm not really in love, so compared to what I've been through before in my life, this isn't even close to being hard. But compared to where I was just a few weeks ago, this is so difficult. I miss her. I miss talking to her and being near her. I want to smell her, to hear her voice. I want to make her smile. It's curious, I don't feel like much is different at home. It's not like I'm desperate to get away from my life, if I'm honest, I just wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I realized that in the long term, nobody would have been happy with that. This was a disaster in the making.

 

In a way, I feel like this is "rich people problems", but there is a uniquely bad feeling when two people who want to be together cannot do so, for whatever reason. I don't even know the word, but this is a difficult temptation to resist and it it makes me feel bad, almost like something good is being wasted. What I want is to feel differently, and I want it now.

 

I know what I'm supposed to do. I need to take a little time to let myself feel some loss. I need to start feeling grateful for what I've kept. I need to get busy, reconnect on some level with the wife. I need to change my mindset, to stop wondering about the "might have beens". I'll probably never know how it would turn out, and I just have to get used to it. I need to remind myself that most relationships end in failure, for cause, and in that way, this is probably one of them.

 

But my heart tells me today that love is the journey, not the destination. You win the lottery while you play, not when your number matches at the end. I feel so melancholy today.

 

Is the OW married as well? I think that matters and the fact that you both are possible cheaters says something too. I know your spouse has been there and you have so much familiarity it may seem stale. But ask yourself, over time when she is gone and possibly getting screwed by another man, will you be OK and not have regret?

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funny you should say that

 

 

We need me to feel like "I'm in this with you" is what we need, and nothing gets the communication going like having to work together, especially if we can have some fun doing it. On a date or a vacation, I'm afraid that in my present mental state, the conversation might stagnate because I've got something on my mind that I can't really talk about with her.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

Why can't you talk to your wife about it? Are there other areas of your life that you don't share with her, or did you make an exception for this "friendship"?

 

I only dated one person before my husband, and I've always felt that the emotional bond and understanding with my high school boyfriend has remained. Plus occasionally I dream about him. There have been times when high school boyfriend's sporadic messages seemed too familiar, or when he seemed to be alluding to me in an update or something. And while in my younger days I didn't share it with my husband, for the last several years I have. I didn't let it fester into something or turn to high school boyfriend for ego boosts or whatnot, even in the wake of my husband's affair.

 

It's been 18 months since I discovered the affair and my husband ended it, and since then we have worked very hard on ourselves and our marriage. When I first joined here I didn't share that I was on LS with my husband, but now it seems natural that if I want to be truly intimate and open, then I will, even if it's kind of embarrassing. Because otherwise you start editing your day or making up something different when the person asks what you're doing or thinking about, and that is a recipe for eventual divorce.

 

I think sharing that you crossed the line with your wife will serve a few purposes. One, it will insure that you don't pick things back up with the OW and wind up in a PA, which will be much harder to move past. Two, it will foster intimacy and closeness, the lack of which might be why you had room in your life for an EA to begin with. Now, I'm not saying you have to say, "Here are all my messages to the OW and here are all my pangs and longings, let's discuss them day in and day out." But to simply say, "I had this friendship and I feel like it crossed the line, so I wanted you to know I'm going to be avoiding her and won't message her anymore, and we should talk about our boundaries for relationships with other people, and I love you." It will be some major adulting but I think it will be good for you. And lastly, taking the EA out of the magical bubble it existed in and into the real world will drive home just how untenable that relationship is. (And an added bonus will be increased desire between the two of you in the wake of your monogamy being threatened.)

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reconnect on some level with the wife.

 

Try saying MY wife. Not "the" wife. Doubt you're aware of it but by using the expression 'the' shows just how detached you are from your wife.

 

Remember why you fell in love with her years ago.

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Is the OW married as well? I think that matters and the fact that you both are possible cheaters says something too. I know your spouse has been there and you have so much familiarity it may seem stale. But ask yourself, over time when she is gone and possibly getting screwed by another man, will you be OK and not have regret?

She's not. Great observation, by the way, that was actually what got me to look forward. I think I realized that one day, whatever I was willing to give her wouldn't be enough, and she'd dump me for Mr. Available, and I'd be in real trouble when that happened.

 

I'm not looking forward to it, and hopefully, I won't feel badly about it, but there is a part of me that thinks she deserves that kind of happiness, even if it happens today. Even if I don't like it, I won't regret my decision, because there's much more to it than just my feelings for her.

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First, we are already NC, not the obstinate, nasty kind, but more like the "I hate to do it, but this is probably best for now" kind. Reluctant but firm?

 

"For now"is not "firm". It leaves the door open that they should wait around for you.

 

Just wanted to point that out. Everyone else gave good advice too.

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She's not. Great observation, by the way, that was actually what got me to look forward. I think I realized that one day, whatever I was willing to give her wouldn't be enough, and she'd dump me for Mr. Available, and I'd be in real trouble when that happened.

 

I'm not looking forward to it, and hopefully, I won't feel badly about it, but there is a part of me that thinks she deserves that kind of happiness, even if it happens today. Even if I don't like it, I won't regret my decision, because there's much more to it than just my feelings for her.

 

Of course this is a place for honesty and you don't need to pretend to be selfless, but this reads as pretty low on actual empathy and pretty high on self-absorption to me. Only a "part of you" wants her to find happiness with someone new, while the rest of you . . . wants her on the hook pining away for you when you have nothing but being your secret side dish to offer her? And then there's the cavalier way you are trying to find something you can bond with your wife over that doesn't involve too much intimacy or vulnerability . . . I'm not sure you can have one without the other.

 

The grass is greenest where we water it. How are you watering your relationship with your wife in ways that are genuine and concerned with her well-being? YOU don't want to take your wife on a lot of dates because then you'd have to talk to her and the only topic of conversation you can think of is your mighty struggle to be happy for an OW you'd really prefer to stay hung up on you forever? Does what would make your wife happy come into play here at all? Avoiding emotional intimacy does not seem like a way to foster emotional intimacy.

 

I highly recommend getting yourself into individual counseling. What we find when we take a good hard look in the mirror is that there are no short cuts to emotional maturity. I also recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

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Why can't you talk to your wife about it? Are there other areas of your life that you don't share with her, or did you make an exception for this "friendship"?

 

I only dated one person before my husband, and I've always felt that the emotional bond and understanding with my high school boyfriend has remained. Plus occasionally I dream about him. There have been times when high school boyfriend's sporadic messages seemed too familiar, or when he seemed to be alluding to me in an update or something. And while in my younger days I didn't share it with my husband, for the last several years I have. I didn't let it fester into something or turn to high school boyfriend for ego boosts or whatnot, even in the wake of my husband's affair.

 

It's been 18 months since I discovered the affair and my husband ended it, and since then we have worked very hard on ourselves and our marriage. When I first joined here I didn't share that I was on LS with my husband, but now it seems natural that if I want to be truly intimate and open, then I will, even if it's kind of embarrassing. Because otherwise you start editing your day or making up something different when the person asks what you're doing or thinking about, and that is a recipe for eventual divorce.

 

I think sharing that you crossed the line with your wife will serve a few purposes. One, it will insure that you don't pick things back up with the OW and wind up in a PA, which will be much harder to move past. Two, it will foster intimacy and closeness, the lack of which might be why you had room in your life for an EA to begin with. Now, I'm not saying you have to say, "Here are all my messages to the OW and here are all my pangs and longings, let's discuss them day in and day out." But to simply say, "I had this friendship and I feel like it crossed the line, so I wanted you to know I'm going to be avoiding her and won't message her anymore, and we should talk about our boundaries for relationships with other people, and I love you." It will be some major adulting but I think it will be good for you. And lastly, taking the EA out of the magical bubble it existed in and into the real world will drive home just how untenable that relationship is. (And an added bonus will be increased desire between the two of you in the wake of your monogamy being threatened.)

I appreciate your perspective.

 

I'm just going to say that I disagree with you. My wife and I had a conversation like that, interestingly enough about my first love too. She was pretty cool about it, and made the offer for me to go say goodbye again, if that's what I needed. I didn't. So I'm not afraid of that conversation. However, it didn't really bring us any closer. That happened with commitment and by looking forward, not dwelling on the past. I've found that you strengthen a marriage by doing the things you do in a marriage, which sometimes doesn't involve oversharing.

 

My friendship with OW isn't a secret, it's the extent to which our emotions progressed. As for untenable, I can think of a dozen things that get in the way down the line. First, I'm certainly not at the point where I'm willing to chuck my marriage over this woman. The decision about what I had to do was instant, even if my execution was not. To decide otherwise would mean either I had to plan and try to be willing to leave or I have to plan to take this to the inevitable train wreck where I'm not sure who the victim(s) will be. Also, and this sounds kind of ****ty, but I thought about it, if I have to bury my wife unexpectedly, I want to be able to whisper to her that I kept all my promises when I'm saying goodbye. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like I failed either of us. This is a stronger motivation for me than for most, I think. Third, almost as much, I don't want my future love story to start out with "I was cheating on my first wife and...." and I sure as hell don't want my current one to end that way. I want them both to be wholesome and pure and not something that can be judged unworthy. If there is another one for me after this one, I want to be able to tell it AS-IS to my kids and to their kids and to her kids and their kids. I want to be able to tell it to my in-laws and my priest and not worry about what any of them might think. I don't want my kids to hate the next person I end up with. I don't want her kids to object and pressure her because she got involved in something nefarious. Again, I think that is a little unusual, but these things are very important to me.

 

As for me backsliding, it won't happen. While you've only been around the block once before marriage, I've been around the block several times and in similar situations, some with greater attraction and pain. I've never revisited these decisions. Indecision is not a part of my DNA, and I'm not impulsive either. This one kind of snuck up on me, and this kind of thing is hard to resist when you're in it. There was never really a question in my mind about what I had to do, it was more procrastination that led me to allow it. Sort of like, "I'll start exercising next week." Further, if I did decide to change my mind, my wife knowing wouldn't stop me. I'm sure I'd tell her what I'm going to do if it comes to that.

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funny you should say that

 

First, we are already NC, not the obstinate, nasty kind, but more like the "I hate to do it, but this is probably best for now" kind. Reluctant but firm?

 

Second, in a past life, my way of coping would have been to collect a bunch of notches on my bedpost, the more the merrier. F*ck the pain away.

 

Obviously, I can't do that, so yes, I need to find the married equivalent, which involves less sex, more things to do. I don't know if dates (the kind you go on when you're single) would be as helpful as maybe finding something productive to do together..To share a goal and accomplish it, and to have visible reminders we can both enjoy in our lives. Whether that's painting a room or rearranging the furniture or whatever. I think that appeals to me more, because that's all about teamwork, partnership, etc. Dating is about discovery and I don't think that's what we need. We need me to feel like "I'm in this with you" is what we need, and nothing gets the communication going like having to work together, especially if we can have some fun doing it. On a date or a vacation, I'm afraid that in my present mental state, the conversation might stagnate because I've got something on my mind that I can't really talk about with her.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

Hi ummm no?

 

What you are MISSING is ALL the "frivolous" romantic things.

 

YOU and possibly your W too are MISSING something. If she's NOT having an A, then your wife is providing these things for herself just to stay with you.

 

As a BW I did.

I had to.

It's a very lonely M for a BW when her WH is in an A IME.

No matter what people say.

 

SOME couples CAN work on projects their whole successful Ms. Take farming families for example.

 

You are different.

You need MORE.

 

I had friends who were deliriously HAPPY for years then got M. Happy for 1 year. Then W had an EA.

She went from giggling all the time with H to nagging and picking ANY and all of his faults.

For 20 years following!

 

Then left BH.

BH had had to find all sorts of things to make his life more bearable.

None involved As.

Just like me.

 

BH was in a FAR better position once the M ended.

In fact he's happy and so in love with a BEAUTIFUL woman who LOVES and APPRECIATES him.

I'm so happy for him.

WW should have ended the M years before.

 

WW in this case (lol) is not happy.

The grass WAS not greener and she absolutely knows she trashed their M for years on getting BH to do PROJECTS to make her happy.

 

Did it?

No.

Ofcourse not.

 

The PROBLEM WAS WITHIN HER.

As it is within you too.

 

I would bet my house your BW HAS FELT a sad disconnect from you.

 

It's the RECONNECTION AS A COUPLE that is the second R in Reconciliation.

 

You are in a one sided R effort if you choose to R.

 

I couldn't "reconnect" to save my life in R after I found out that my W was actually a WH.

 

YOUR CHECKLIST to be in the M?

Is it money?

Your kids?

Losing your house?

Losing half your 401K?

The bikes, the dog, the FACADE?

 

IF your WIFE isn't the first 100 things on your Checklist to STAY then IMHO you are wasting your BWs life away.

Using her for your needs only.

 

I was DREADING the kids leaving home in that pitiful M full of betrayal. Or the house renovations being finished lol. Retirement looked like DOOM to me.

 

Now I'm free of that M, any life, any where looks WONDERFUL and IS wonderful because I've met a gorgeous man.

 

BE THAT GORGEOUS MAN to your wife NOW.

Be everything she always dreamt you'd be.

Make her Fairy Tale dreams come true, even for just a while to reconnect, but watch your tendencies to slip back to APs as back up.to your deficiencies inside yourself.

 

You may notice your BW working VERY hard to make you happy.

She may be past caring because your demands on her have been incredulous.

 

M is not like affairs BUT THEY CAN be lol. Kinda for a straying spouse.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

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Try saying MY wife. Not "the" wife. Doubt you're aware of it but by using the expression 'the' shows just how detached you are from your wife.

 

Remember why you fell in love with her years ago.

:-D I think that was just a phrase, but point taken.

 

 

"For now"is not "firm". It leaves the door open that they should wait around for you.

 

Just wanted to point that out. Everyone else gave good advice too.

Ditto.
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Hi ummm no?

 

What you are MISSING is ALL the "frivolous" romantic things.

 

YOU and possibly your W too are MISSING something. If she's NOT having an A, then your wife is providing these things for herself just to stay with you.

 

As a BW I did.

I had to.

It's a very lonely M for a BW when her WH is in an A IME.

No matter what people say.

 

SOME couples CAN work on projects their whole successful Ms. Take farming families for example.

 

You are different.

You need MORE.

 

I had friends who were deliriously HAPPY for years then got M. Happy for 1 year. Then W had an EA.

She went from giggling all the time with H to nagging and picking ANY and all of his faults.

For 20 years following!

 

Then left BH.

BH had had to find all sorts of things to make his life more bearable.

None involved As.

Just like me.

 

BH was in a FAR better position once the M ended.

In fact he's happy and so in love with a BEAUTIFUL woman who LOVES and APPRECIATES him.

I'm so happy for him.

WW should have ended the M years before.

 

WW in this case (lol) is not happy.

The grass WAS not greener and she absolutely knows she trashed their M for years on getting BH to do PROJECTS to make her happy.

 

Did it?

No.

Ofcourse not.

 

The PROBLEM WAS WITHIN HER.

As it is within you too.

 

I would bet my house your BW HAS FELT a sad disconnect from you.

 

It's the RECONNECTION AS A COUPLE that is the second R in Reconciliation.

 

You are in a one sided R effort if you choose to R.

 

I couldn't "reconnect" to save my life in R after I found out that my W was actually a WH.

 

YOUR CHECKLIST to be in the M?

Is it money?

Your kids?

Losing your house?

Losing half your 401K?

The bikes, the dog, the FACADE?

 

IF your WIFE isn't the first 100 things on your Checklist to STAY then IMHO you are wasting your BWs life away.

Using her for your needs only.

 

I was DREADING the kids leaving home in that pitiful M full of betrayal. Or the house renovations being finished lol. Retirement looked like DOOM to me.

 

Now I'm free of that M, any life, any where looks WONDERFUL and IS wonderful because I've met a gorgeous man.

 

BE THAT GORGEOUS MAN to your wife NOW.

Be everything she always dreamt you'd be.

Make her Fairy Tale dreams come true, even for just a while to reconnect, but watch your tendencies to slip back to APs as back up.to your deficiencies inside yourself.

 

You may notice your BW working VERY hard to make you happy.

She may be past caring because your demands on her have been incredulous.

 

M is not like affairs BUT THEY CAN be lol. Kinda for a straying spouse.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

 

I hear you, I really do. Clearly I enjoyed that je ne se qua, the excitement, the butterflies, whatever you want to call that initial chemistry that two people feel. I can't deny that.

 

I also won't deny that it isn't that way any more with my wife.

 

That's why I delayed a little before I abandoned this. It was nice. It was great to feel that way again. I wasn't sure I had it in me, frankly. But you know what? I know it doesn't last. It never lasts.

 

I think what's more important that being IN LOVE is actual love. It's what's left over when that giddy feeling goes away. Did/do I love OW? Absolutely not. Am I in love with her? Maybe a little bit at some moments, but it is more subdued than that. Either way, I've arrested its progress. I'm not pining for OW, it's just uncomfortable for now, and I want this part to be over with ASAP. Do I need those butterflies with my wife to make this go away? No. First things first.

 

What's more, those feelings, at least for me, they are based on illusion. My wife is all too real to me. OW is an illusion to me right now. I haven't seen her grunting out a #2 or throwing up. Her house and car are neat and tidy. Or are they? I have no idea how she fights or why. I see the best parts, and I can take a guess as to the not-so-great parts, but I haven't seen them. But I know they are there. Do I really want to go through it all again, just to find out that like most women I've ever dated, she's fundamentally incompatible? No. Been there, done that, got lucky once. I'm here to stay.

 

So let's not make this more than it is, or perhaps, don't mistake where I am on the road from there to here. I'm just venting a little, expressing my grief, although even that's a pretty strong word for what I'm actually feeling. That's what this is really all about, I'm trying to feel this, rather than bottle it up, for the express purpose of making it go away.

 

I'll get there.

 

To address the other stuff. I'm pretty attentive. I'll do stuff like get my wife tea while she watches TV, or feed her a bite from my plate or give her a little kiss just to know I'm there. I wanted to do that kind of thing for OW, so whenever I felt that urge, my wife got whatever it was. You know, the little things that make you feel appreciated. I know how that stuff works, but it's no basis for a marriage. In my experience, these are simply signals that what you have is genuine. It won't sustain a marriage that's failing otherwise, but it will strengthen a marriage that is otherwise good. I'm not starting from ground zero.

 

Think of it this way: I just had a lot of love to give. I wasn't shifting it from one place to another. Obviously, that's not quite right, but I can assure you that my wife gets the little strokes you seem to think she's missing. If anything, I'm on the short end of that, but I get them too. I'm not dissatisfied. If I was, I might be writing about something else entirely, like my escape.

 

No, this was a simple case of two people who, but for my marriage, met at the right place and the right time; said marriage made it the wrong place and the wrong time. I think attraction to other people is just going to happen sometimes. It did for me, but I can't pursue it.

 

It's that simple.

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Of course this is a place for honesty and you don't need to pretend to be selfless, but this reads as pretty low on actual empathy and pretty high on self-absorption to me. Only a "part of you" wants her to find happiness with someone new, while the rest of you . . . wants her on the hook pining away for you when you have nothing but being your secret side dish to offer her? And then there's the cavalier way you are trying to find something you can bond with your wife over that doesn't involve too much intimacy or vulnerability . . . I'm not sure you can have one without the other.

 

The grass is greenest where we water it. How are you watering your relationship with your wife in ways that are genuine and concerned with her well-being? YOU don't want to take your wife on a lot of dates because then you'd have to talk to her and the only topic of conversation you can think of is your mighty struggle to be happy for an OW you'd really prefer to stay hung up on you forever? Does what would make your wife happy come into play here at all? Avoiding emotional intimacy does not seem like a way to foster emotional intimacy.

 

I highly recommend getting yourself into individual counseling. What we find when we take a good hard look in the mirror is that there are no short cuts to emotional maturity. I also recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Well, where I'm trying to get is that all of me is happy for her. I'm capable of it. I will find a way to explain what I'm trying to say. I've been a little inarticulate, I think, maybe because I'm responding in real time.

 

Let me find a better way to say what I mean. The discussion has gone a little off track, and got moved to infidelity from coping. The infidelity is over. I don't really belong with the heartbroken, or even those that have doubts. I'm just trying to work this out and I'm headed in the right direction. I have no fears or worries that I won't make it.

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"For now"is not "firm". It leaves the door open that they should wait around for you.

 

Just wanted to point that out. Everyone else gave good advice too.

Hey, I just re-read what I wrote and what you wrote. What I meant was that NC didn't have to be forever. Only until the fever passed, and also, this sentiment was mutual. It's not like I decided or she decided unilaterally for the other person. First, we acknowledged to each other that what we were doing was wrong, and that neither of us felt good about it. We both also had the same idea about how you deal with that. There's no drama attached to all of this. It's just a little sad, I guess is the right word. It's not the easiest thing either of us have done, but it's nowhere near the hardest either.

 

I think it's just two people who recognized right about the same time that they were both going in the wrong direction and had the good sense to talk about it, rather than somebody disappearing on the other. Now it feels a little bad, and so I expressed that sentiment.

 

That this discussion is so wide ranging surprises me, but I'm willing to entertain your ideas and discuss them.

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Is the OW married as well? I think that matters and the fact that you both are possible cheaters says something too. I know your spouse has been there and you have so much familiarity it may seem stale. But ask yourself, over time when she is gone and possibly getting screwed by another man, will you be OK and not have regret?

 

I may have misunderstood this one as well. Who is "she" in this hypothetical? OW or my wife? My reply assumed OW.

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I often wondered that, but going by what happened a year later, I just delayed him leaving me for her. Had he been worth his salt he would have cut it off himself (it was going on for months) but he obviously didn't love and respect me enough, so I dodged a bullet in the end. At least you have put an end to it, and thought the consequences through.

 

Try and re-connect with your wife, do something that brings you closer together. Like you said some sort of project, or take dance lessons together (I always wanted to try ballroom but my ex wasn't interested). Find some common ground that you could try together.

 

 

Yeah, see you discovered it, then he cut it off and you have to wonder what would have happened if you hadn't interfered. Right? What would HE have done?
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I hear you, I really do. Clearly I enjoyed that je ne se qua, the excitement, the butterflies, whatever you want to call that initial chemistry that two people feel. I can't deny that.

 

I also won't deny that it isn't that way any more with my wife.

 

That's why I delayed a little before I abandoned this. It was nice. It was great to feel that way again. I wasn't sure I had it in me, frankly. But you know what? I know it doesn't last. It never lasts.

 

I think what's more important that being IN LOVE is actual love. It's what's left over when that giddy feeling goes away. Did/do I love OW? Absolutely not. Am I in love with her? Maybe a little bit at some moments, but it is more subdued than that. Either way, I've arrested its progress. I'm not pining for OW, it's just uncomfortable for now, and I want this part to be over with ASAP. Do I need those butterflies with my wife to make this go away? No. First things first.

 

What's more, those feelings, at least for me, they are based on illusion. My wife is all too real to me. OW is an illusion to me right now. I haven't seen her grunting out a #2 or throwing up. Her house and car are neat and tidy. Or are they? I have no idea how she fights or why. I see the best parts, and I can take a guess as to the not-so-great parts, but I haven't seen them. But I know they are there. Do I really want to go through it all again, just to find out that like most women I've ever dated, she's fundamentally incompatible? No. Been there, done that, got lucky once. I'm here to stay.

 

So let's not make this more than it is, or perhaps, don't mistake where I am on the road from there to here. I'm just venting a little, expressing my grief, although even that's a pretty strong word for what I'm actually feeling. That's what this is really all about, I'm trying to feel this, rather than bottle it up, for the express purpose of making it go away.

 

I'll get there.

 

To address the other stuff. I'm pretty attentive. I'll do stuff like get my wife tea while she watches TV, or feed her a bite from my plate or give her a little kiss just to know I'm there. I wanted to do that kind of thing for OW, so whenever I felt that urge, my wife got whatever it was. You know, the little things that make you feel appreciated. I know how that stuff works, but it's no basis for a marriage. In my experience, these are simply signals that what you have is genuine. It won't sustain a marriage that's failing otherwise, but it will strengthen a marriage that is otherwise good. I'm not starting from ground zero.

 

Think of it this way: I just had a lot of love to give. I wasn't shifting it from one place to another. Obviously, that's not quite right, but I can assure you that my wife gets the little strokes you seem to think she's missing. If anything, I'm on the short end of that, but I get them too. I'm not dissatisfied. If I was, I might be writing about something else entirely, like my escape.

 

No, this was a simple case of two people who, but for my marriage, met at the right place and the right time; said marriage made it the wrong place and the wrong time. I think attraction to other people is just going to happen sometimes. It did for me, but I can't pursue it.

 

It's that simple.

 

If your marriage was solid and completely satisfying, that attraction would not have developed into an emotional affair. It would have ended at the attraction stage.

 

It would be good to identify what exactly is missing from your marriage so you know exactly what to work on... after so many years, it's normal for marriages to have gaps and some loss of intimacy. Work on reestablishing that intimacy and closeness with your wife. Find out what her needs are and communicate yours. Work on meeting each others needs. All relationships require work. Complacency is dangerous.

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If your marriage was solid and completely satisfying, that attraction would not have developed into an emotional affair. It would have ended at the attraction stage.

 

It would be good to identify what exactly is missing from your marriage so you know exactly what to work on... after so many years, it's normal for marriages to have gaps and some loss of intimacy. Work on reestablishing that intimacy and closeness with your wife. Find out what her needs are and communicate yours. Work on meeting each others needs. All relationships require work. Complacency is dangerous.

Spot on! Definitely trying to think through that too, and I don't mind saying it is difficult. My wife is not a shrew or sexless or inconsiderate or anything like that. It is not easy to identify what exactly I found in OW, and you're right, I'm attracted to others and it does end there. At the end of the day, if they are out of sight, they are out of mind. But OW is different, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is about her that I find so endearing. That said, I don't want to think about her too much either. But maybe that's necessary for right now. I don't know if I'll be able to spot it if I let the emotional part die first.

 

Batting back the challenges here is helpful, if for no other reason than to eliminate things from the list. I read another post somewhere on LS where the man started comparing wife and OW, and he found what he was missing. Might be worth a try.

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I want to be able to whisper to her that I kept all my promises when I'm saying goodbye.

 

You mean "as far as she knows, you kept all your promises".

 

That type of emotional investment and the "I love you" statements are all part of cheating on your marriage. You seem to go to great lengths to avoid facing that fact and dealing with your willingness to leave the door open for future transgressions.

 

You have obvious intelligence and introspection in your posts. What you don't have - at least to this point - is humility or accountability...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Grapesofwrath
Try saying MY wife. Not "the" wife. Doubt you're aware of it but by using the expression 'the' shows just how detached you are from your wife.

 

Ditto.

 

She is YOUR wife. She would be crushed totally if she knew that you said "I love you" to another woman.

 

You are a good writer, and it reflects your intelligence. The one element I don't see here is remorse. You're right that you did the right thing. You ended it before it went too far. You are showing control. Try to remember that this would be cold comfort to your wife if she were to have discovered your emotional affair.

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Hey, I just re-read what I wrote and what you wrote. What I meant was that NC didn't have to be forever. Only until the fever passed, and also, this sentiment was mutual. It's not like I decided or she decided unilaterally for the other person. First, we acknowledged to each other that what we were doing was wrong, and that neither of us felt good about it. We both also had the same idea about how you deal with that. There's no drama attached to all of this. It's just a little sad, I guess is the right word. It's not the easiest thing either of us have done, but it's nowhere near the hardest either.

 

I think it's just two people who recognized right about the same time that they were both going in the wrong direction and had the good sense to talk about it, rather than somebody disappearing on the other. Now it feels a little bad, and so I expressed that sentiment.

 

That this discussion is so wide ranging surprises me, but I'm willing to entertain your ideas and discuss them.

 

 

You aren't getting it. No contact DOES have to be forever. Or at least until you're divorced.

 

If you intend to stay married this other woman will always be a threat to your marriage and she can't be in your life at all.

 

Ask everyone here. 99.9% will agree. Your marriage counselor will agree.

 

The feelings already got established. There is not any way to undo that .

 

NO contact is forever or the life of the marriage .

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