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Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out


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Old 20th October 2016, 10:58 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by Friskyone4u View Post
OP,

This is very strange. You main source of verification of information seems to be the man who your wife was having sex with. I don't think too many therapist or "experts" would be recommending that as a very reliable source.

When the stories match so perfectly it is usually BS.

But you seem to have made up your mind that that is not important, that you will believe what is told and eat the **** sandwich over the kids. That is you right but is usually not to mentally healthy in the long run.

Basically it sounds like you are counting on OM to notify you if your wife tries to contact him again or has contact. Very naive
A couple of things. They never had sex. It did not get to that point bc HE called it all off. My main source is the string of text messages themselves that of course I was not supposed to see. So, you do get to gauge what did and did not happen. They did talk about taking the EA physical and met to do that and that is when he did an about face and broke it off. It was all discussed in the texts I saw. I just made both of them separately fill in the blanks for me and on some things I asked questions I already had answers to in order to test their honesty with me.
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Old 20th October 2016, 1:00 PM   #62
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A couple of things. They never had sex. It did not get to that point bc HE called it all off.
Since only circumstances and the OM's unwillingness kept this from becoming a PA, do you look at this differently than if they'd actually gone through with it?

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Old 20th October 2016, 2:23 PM   #63
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Since only circumstances and the OM's unwillingness kept this from becoming a PA, do you look at this differently than if they'd actually gone through with it?
I've gotta second Mr. Lucky's analysis here. To me, my wife having sex with another man would be horrible. Even if she didn't have sex with him, her pleading desire to have sex with him would be 99% as bad. Do you see it differently?
Try and Cephalopod like this.
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Old 20th October 2016, 3:50 PM   #64
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I've gotta second Mr. Lucky's analysis here. To me, my wife having sex with another man would be horrible. Even if she didn't have sex with him, her pleading desire to have sex with him would be 99% as bad. Do you see it differently?
NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too.
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Old 20th October 2016, 3:57 PM   #65
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How did she pay?

is she showing any real remorse?

When is someone moving?
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Old 20th October 2016, 5:43 PM   #66
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I then found the text string between the two of them and saw 3688 messages which included nude photos of my wife sent to him, lots of talk about her telling him she wanted to f*** him or perform oral and lot of S&M talk.
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NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way.
Explain to your wife why you feel the same about the affair as if they had sex. Tell her that cheating is all about intent. If she got raped where she had sex against her will, that would not be cheating, but if she had the intent to have sex when she went to the park, and only the other man turning her down is what prevented it from happening, then that is the same level of cheating as if her affair partner had said yes.
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Old 20th October 2016, 5:48 PM   #67
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NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too.



And what is she doing to make you believe that if the next OM is not some honorable guy, and I use that term lightly, that she will not do it again.

Making her pay is OK, but what is SHE doing to make you feel safe. You found the communications. She did not confess I believe.

So basically she got caught and says shes sorry????

What is she doing VOLUNTARILY.
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Old 20th October 2016, 6:08 PM   #68
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Try is correct...

Try is totally correct about that.

It is basically the same. She would have screwed him if he had not said no.

If you believe that story, and I may based on your conversations with her and her OM.

But where are things now? What is she doing to help you heal?

She was just so ripe to have an affair I would be worried that she would screw him later or someone else.
Try likes this.
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Old 20th October 2016, 8:46 PM   #69
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It seems like a huge red flag is not being given the attention it needs. She is a CSA victim. Remember her comment you are not taboo? Have you read any of downtown posts? He dealt primary with BPD but there is overlap.

Understand that with some CSA victims safe becomes dangerous, dangerous becomes safe. That a part of them (particularly woman) look at sex as a way to punish themselves for ther victimhood. A part of them believes they deserve the pain, that they are sluts/whores etc and become self destructive.
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Old 20th October 2016, 9:48 PM   #70
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It seems like a huge red flag is not being given the attention it needs. She is a CSA victim. Remember her comment you are not taboo? Have you read any of downtown posts? He dealt primary with BPD but there is overlap.

Understand that with some CSA victims safe becomes dangerous, dangerous becomes safe. That a part of them (particularly woman) look at sex as a way to punish themselves for ther victimhood. A part of them believes they deserve the pain, that they are sluts/whores etc and become self destructive.
40,

To piggy back on this, if you read about women CSA victims, many use sex and the power they get from it to reclaim their feeling whole. Men abused them and now they can manipulate men with sex.

That if it is the case if a lifelong problem that will not disappear.
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Old 20th October 2016, 9:53 PM   #71
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Wife explained to me that he was 'the one that got away' from back in the day. The one that circumstances from past kept from getting closure. I don't want this to hijack the thread but he told her this time that he still could never be with her in a relationship that physical was the most he'd go (before he chickened out and broke it off) because my wife slept with his best friend and he could never commit to her. In fact, he twice actually asked my wife to hook him up with her bestie that is single. My wife was hurt. What I can't get over is how obsessed she was over this guy despite being completely disrespected that way. And I will say it- I do not know what is sexy about an obese 370 plus pound mound of hairy cellulite with yellow teeth and a so-so job? I am a good looking guy, in shape who has an excellent job and plenty of women compliment my dress and overall appearance. Wife told me that he was the only guy in the world who was even a threat to me and it turns out he lives around the corner. She told the therapist that she was no longer in love with him and the therapist told me that she believes my wife. I just don't know how someone can not see or hear from another for 15 years, immediately fall for them hard basically saying they always wondered what happened to them, have a texting based affair that was VERY steamy (S&M talk and lots of it) only to now say that they are over him now, this quickly. Lastly, I will add, that I have been getting home a little later since July (20 minutes later than usual) because there is a road that is now a toll and it affects the route I take by having more people on it. But, she got jealous about a month ago convinced that I was seeing someone else between getting off work and getting home. This is when I was pulling away and not pursuing her. She got real concerned. Funny that she was worried I was cheating when she and I knew what she was up to.
Regarding the bolded portion above...

After much soul searching and thinking about this issue, I've since come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter at ALL what you look like. People who choose to cheat do so for their own personal needs and it most of the time has nothing to do with what you look like, how you dress, how you behave. Sometime it does, sure... but oftentimes that is the excuse that the cheaters use to explain their behavior. Ultimately, it's about their need to have what they want in that moment. You could be the most handsome man in the world and it won't stop someone from cheating if they want to badly enough.

I do think the affair with him wasn't about what he looks like now, it was about the feelings she had for him 15 years ago that she never let go of. I'd venture to guess that it had absolutely nothing to do with what you look like or what he looks like. Emotions are a powerful thing. They don't say "love is blind" for no reason.

It sounds to me that you are well on your way to leaving this marriage. I wouldn't blame you if you did. Trust is very difficult to get back once lost.
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Old 24th October 2016, 7:13 AM   #72
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Hi 40something, where are you with things at present? I have'nt been able to decipher the term CSA so I can't really assess as yo what impact this has on your wife and how she behaves with regard to your marriage. However, with everything that you have discovered about your wife's affair it seems to me to be extremely difficult for you to be able to reconcile with her or even to be I'm the same space as her. The degree of disrespect for you is horrendous and howsoever she tries to explain it away, the raw facts cannot be camouflaged by her to make this look like something it isn't.

If you can swallow your pride and take the massive blow to your manhood then so be it. However in my opinion you would be much better off by freeing yourself of some one who can literally bite the hand that feeds her. You have nothing to lose except useless baggage and everything to gain by divorcing her and becoming a free man again. From what you have written about yourself, I think you will face little problem in hooking up with some one with little or no baggage and who is wholesome and will be true to you. Just think about it
Cheers.
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Old 24th October 2016, 7:43 AM   #73
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CSA is the acronym for Childhood Sexual Abuse.
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Old 24th October 2016, 6:13 PM   #74
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Hi 40something, where are you with things at present? I have'nt been able to decipher the term CSA so I can't really assess as yo what impact this has on your wife and how she behaves with regard to your marriage. However, with everything that you have discovered about your wife's affair it seems to me to be extremely difficult for you to be able to reconcile with her or even to be I'm the same space as her. The degree of disrespect for you is horrendous and howsoever she tries to explain it away, the raw facts cannot be camouflaged by her to make this look like something it isn't.

If you can swallow your pride and take the massive blow to your manhood then so be it. However in my opinion you would be much better off by freeing yourself of some one who can literally bite the hand that feeds her. You have nothing to lose except useless baggage and everything to gain by divorcing her and becoming a free man again. From what you have written about yourself, I think you will face little problem in hooking up with some one with little or no baggage and who is wholesome and will be true to you. Just think about it
Cheers.
I did not react the way I thought I would in this situation but I wasn't going to have a knee jerk reaction. I thought long and hard about balancing launching her vs not being there every day for my kids. Now, if the marriage was going to be forever crap then staying was not best for the kids but I had a timeline in place to see if and when we'd heal. I can see her drawing closer to me a little more every day. I am satisfied that the AP and her are over. Now, I still snoop but overall pleased with what I am seeing and not seeing. A month ago she collapsed at my feet and balled her eyes out for all the crap she did and that I was the only person her whole life who truly loved her and supported her (her parents were garbage). We are more intimate than before. There are some things that are not the greatest yet but overall the past 2 month or so have been really good and am willing to see if she continues to let us build. She knows that I will have a quick hook if the bs ever comes back but I too will do a better job of protecting the relationship. My choice to stick this out was not easy and one that not everyone in my life understood. Maybe it burns me but if it does, then I know to move on without regret. I am in control of this.
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Old 24th October 2016, 7:11 PM   #75
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NOPE. I see it as her having a PA all the way. The only thing is that I don't have to worry about his d*** germs all over inside my wife. Trust me that I made her pay for it too.
A full screen STI and STD check with your family GP works wonders for your peace of mind 40.

Your WW and YOU. Her being THAT desperate that was PLEADING? omg no wonder you're so disgusted.
It's all disgusting anyway though each little ELEMENT of WWs actions is why IMO it's critical to know the details of As.

How else are you to really KNOW who you married.
What they are capable of right under your nose.

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