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Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out


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Old 18th October 2016, 1:23 PM   #46
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UPDATE: As fate would have it, guess who I randomly ran into last night at the store- THE OM. He didn't hide from me and was very much direct. Asked if we were OK and mentioned he is looking to move. Told him that I hope he does. One thing he did say to me is that at least twice my wife drove past him in the neighborhood (he lives 2 streets away) and knows she saw him but gave no emotion towards him at all. No smiling, no waving, nothing. He said he didn't either but this is one thing he volunteered to me in the cereal aisle. So that does help.
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Old 18th October 2016, 1:33 PM   #47
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UPDATE: As fate would have it, guess who I randomly ran into last night at the store- THE OM. He didn't hide from me and was very much direct. Asked if we were OK and mentioned he is looking to move. Told him that I hope he does. One thing he did say to me is that at least twice my wife drove past him in the neighborhood (he lives 2 streets away) and knows she saw him but gave no emotion towards him at all. No smiling, no waving, nothing. He said he didn't either but this is one thing he volunteered to me in the cereal aisle. So that does help.
Unless they are together blowing smoke up your backside....that seems to me to be a really odd conversation, even more odd that he would volunteer that information...sounds like a snow job to me.
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Old 18th October 2016, 3:26 PM   #48
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Unless they are together blowing smoke up your backside....that seems to me to be a really odd conversation, even more odd that he would volunteer that information...sounds like a snow job to me.
This is legit. I asked if they ever made contact again or if they did make contact again what would he say and he volunteered that.
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Old 18th October 2016, 4:19 PM   #49
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40: How did it feel to run into him like that? Given his proximity to your house, what is likelihood that this will continue to happen? and how will you handle it?
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Old 18th October 2016, 4:42 PM   #50
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40: How did it feel to run into him like that? Given his proximity to your house, what is likelihood that this will continue to happen? and how will you handle it?

This is the 1st time running into him. Not something I expect but always possible. He is planning to move but it doesn't seem imminent as of now. I hated running into him but he is candid and I did feel better after since that 1- he knows he was a POS to do that and 2- my wife could be over him if she wont even acknowledge him. I know he likely thought (based on the many questions he was asked of me around D DAY) that the no expressions or waving was important to me. He does email me if he has to be at the school for whatever to make sure we are not and if we are- he drops out. For example, he was going to chaperone the class field trip 6 weeks after I found out (his kid and my kid are in same grade at same school but different teachers). I told him my wife was planning to also do it so he needed to drop out and he did.
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Old 18th October 2016, 5:07 PM   #51
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You showed a lot of restraint.

So what do you think? Is your wife worth another shot?
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Old 18th October 2016, 5:23 PM   #52
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You showed a lot of restraint.

So what do you think? Is your wife worth another shot?
I love my wife immensely. Always have. That is kind of the crux of why I posted this in the 1st place. I lost some respect for myself by not making her pay the ultimate consequence for betraying me yet at least the kids haven't paid that price. I guess I feel somewhat better knowing what she is like when I am not around and seeing him direct and acting like he doesn't exist helps. Maybe he lied to me but if it wasn't true he didn't have to say that either. He has been pretty honest with me with all that I was able to check out.
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Old 18th October 2016, 5:27 PM   #53
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I love my wife immensely. Always have. That is kind of the crux of why I posted this in the 1st place. I lost some respect for myself by not making her pay the ultimate consequence for betraying me yet at least the kids haven't paid that price. I guess I feel somewhat better knowing what she is like when I am not around and seeing him direct and acting like he doesn't exist helps. Maybe he lied to me but if it wasn't true he didn't have to say that either. He has been pretty honest with me with all that I was able to check out.
It appears that the OM is doing what he is supposed to be doing. How about your wife? How is she doing?
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Old 18th October 2016, 5:33 PM   #54
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Whatever you do, work on yourself and be the best man you can be. Work out, eat healthy, reinvest in your old hobbies.

Do the things for yourself that bring you some joy. I think if your wife sees you working on yourself and making yourself more emotionally independent she might just step up her own game and start working harder on herself. If she doesn't, you can divorce later on knowing that you will be okay by yourself.
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Old 19th October 2016, 6:05 PM   #55
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Whatever you do, work on yourself and be the best man you can be. Work out, eat healthy, reinvest in your old hobbies.

Do the things for yourself that bring you some joy. I think if your wife sees you working on yourself and making yourself more emotionally independent she might just step up her own game and start working harder on herself. If she doesn't, you can divorce later on knowing that you will be okay by yourself.
Great advice. I am in better shape now than I was in my 30s and I always will be the man I want to be. We really don't bicker anymore and a big part of that is that she is no longer manipulated by our son- she takes my side on parenting issues and supports me. Things looking up somewhat.
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Old 20th October 2016, 2:00 AM   #56
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It appears that the OM is doing what he is supposed to be doing. How about your wife? How is she doing?
Did you ever expose the A to the OMs betrayed wife?

Why do you think your WW would bd driving down his street? I 'd think she would avoid going anywhere NEAR the OMs house. For dignity reasons at least.
At worst WW may be trying to tease OM.

But that's just me. Red flags everywhere lol.

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Old 20th October 2016, 3:06 AM   #57
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I can't see why BS would stay in a marriage feeling this way. Either heal or bail, life's too short for anything else...

Mr. Lucky
Revenge of course. To give them a little taste of how it felt. I understand it totally.
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'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 20th October 2016, 5:03 AM   #58
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Revenge of course. To give them a little taste of how it felt. I understand it totally.
Lol revenge is all you got? Vengeance was more like it for me. But I mostly day dreamed of ALL the things I would love to do. Did NOTHING but ending it was a HUGE relief.

This time is VERY confusing for BSs, ESPECIALLY when we get appropriate behaviours from WS at times.

The triggers and emotions are all over the place.

I praise LS but feel without LS I would've ended it ALOT sooner. Having guides of how to heal your M etc was hope but truly false hope for me. That's all on exWH. He just took more and more underground and he was hiding ALOT more than As!

I wanted compensation actually.
Restitution at best.

But THE MOST striking information and guidance was to get all my ducks in a row.

I continued this whilst concentrating on my own individual healing. Our MC had sacked us lol! As a M couple that is. But I left her and went to other ICs.

GETTING YOUR ducks in a row is VITAL for any and all BSs. You gotta admit that past actions predict future.

I trod my new path ONLY making decisions that would give ME FIRM footing moving forward either way. D or R.

The very first thing was move ALL my money to my own account he had no access to. I had paid his last overblown credit card out DURING his (last lol) A.
I was so pi$$ed about that. "Taking money under false pretenses" IS against the Law here. After an A the M contract is null and there are precedents of successful cases in similar situations to mine here.

But the LOVELIEST information for me to LET IT GO somewhat lol was "The best revenge is to live a happy life".

Because of exWH psyche he HATED to see me happy (Ref the cycle of violence here). The happier I became the more depressed and sinister his demeanour became.
I just forged forward regardless.
He had relegated himself into the "unnecessary" pile to me.
I was simply indifferent to anything he said 99% of the time.

But the unforeseen WONDERFUL moment for me came (and keep on coming) was when I'd returned from the most WONDERFUL month of my life travelling with my new bf. America, Canada and Switzerland etc...ExWH looked all smug and said "SO did this AMERICAN GUY turn out to be ALL you had imagined him to be?"

"No" I said...
ExWH grinned and looked VERY pleased with himself.
I said "He was SOOOooooooo much MORE than I could have ever imagined :-)".

Ever since then exWH has tried all and sundry to destroy this relationship. He can't. It's far too strong. It's AMAZING lol.

So EXWH can really enjoy FB stalking and seeing his exW and her new boyfriend happily in love all over the world..I kinda love that. So lovely that EVERYBODY is so happy for us both.

This kind of revenge is sweet. It's simply karma. He was driving his own karma and as he warned me "the karma bus was gonna hit me" and it HAS! LOL.

Do nothing but focus on YOU. Get out of exWSs head ASAP. Fix YOUR life then reap the amazing rewards.

Happy days
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Old 20th October 2016, 5:53 AM   #59
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OP,

This is very strange. You main source of verification of information seems to be the man who your wife was having sex with. I don't think too many therapist or "experts" would be recommending that as a very reliable source.

When the stories match so perfectly it is usually BS.

But you seem to have made up your mind that that is not important, that you will believe what is told and eat the **** sandwich over the kids. That is you right but is usually not to mentally healthy in the long run.

Basically it sounds like you are counting on OM to notify you if your wife tries to contact him again or has contact. Very naive
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Old 20th October 2016, 9:39 AM   #60
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Did you ever expose the A to the OMs betrayed wife?

Why do you think your WW would bd driving down his street? I 'd think she would avoid going anywhere NEAR the OMs house. For dignity reasons at least.
At worst WW may be trying to tease OM.

But that's just me. Red flags everywhere lol.

Lion Heart

The OM lives on a corner of a busy street and we have to basically drive by his house to get to ours.
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