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Coping with wife's affair with neighbor that turns out


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Old 14th October 2016, 4:21 AM   #16
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Two things stand out in the worst way possible for me:
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Originally Posted by 40somethingGuy View Post
I let her know I often fantasize being with someone better- that is when her attitude turned better.
This means her motivation is influenced from the outside in..
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There were times when she told him they have to.pause from texting while her and I had sex though.
But I think this would be the worst for me. I can,,,'t even comment I feel so bad for you: "Oh hang on while I go f--- my husband" and the tradeoffs.

I really think that, since you're leaning easily toward it, you need to go with your gut, H
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Old 14th October 2016, 10:25 AM   #17
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She lied and told you that her "ex lover for about 5 years" was just a "friend of a friend" because right from the very start she wanted to explore the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. Her leaving her purse was so that she could go see him again without you around. She grew cold to you when the emotional affair stage of the relationship began.


You were not "insecure" to protest the lunches, because as it turned out she is the kind of person that would pursue a married father of 3". Deep down inside your gut told you this. Next time trust your gut.


"Nude photos" and talking about sex is 100% proof of at least a full on deep emotional affair (EA). Despite what they say, the odds of sex is very a strong possibility, but as a liar and a cheat, she will never admit it. Worse yet, the fact that she discussed it with her "bestie" is humiliating and disrespectful of you. Another thing, your wife's bestie is what is called a toxic friend since she was a willing part of the affair cover-up, and is thus not a friend of the marriage; if you do decide to stay in the marriage, one of the consequences is that she must not only go full no contact with her affair partner, but also with the toxic bestie. If she does not agree to this, dump her.


Before deciding if you will stay in the marriage, you need to understand that the odds are high that they had sex. Almost all cheaters lie about and minimize the sex. You may never know the truth, since now that you know that she is a liar and a cheat, you can no longer ever take her at her word, since trust is forever gone from your marriage.


The fact that she did not care how much pain it caused you to have her affair partner (AP) and former 5 year boyfriend as your neighbor, and only agreed to move for "other reasons" speaks volumes about her lack of remorse. It also showed that she wanted to make it easier for her resume the affair if she could get her AP to agree to it again. This would be the number one and number two reasons why I would not stay married to her.

As long as you are still with her, her assumption was right that you are all talk. It takes most cheated on spouses years of effort to learn to cope with an affair. Yet after only a few months, she wants to rug sweep this without there being any real long term consequences. She still has her toxic friend, and she did not want to move from being next door to her lover if the only reason for doing so was that you were in pain.

In answer to your main question, yes you can do better, and should.
I do appreciate your response. The reason I am confident on what did and did not happen is because I took her phone and read the text string before she could delete it. It gave me the entire conversation over time. What is funny is that they never talked on the phone at all- everything was in writing. When she was dumped she said, 'can't we be friends, I don't want to lose a friend especially when we never f***ed?' Make no mistake she let him know about 5 times over time she was game. He talked really big in texts and was very timid and reserved in person. They went to lunch 3 times, the park once. That is all as far as being together. With the kids around, there was no way she was having him at our house or her at his. I also tested him by asking him lots of stuff to see what matched her story and not. He was very truthful from all I read and what she said. He was sick about the fact he did this. I did tell him he was my b***h and if I find out any lies he will hate the consequences.
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Old 14th October 2016, 10:43 AM   #18
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There are a lot of women in your age range who do not cheat, have never cheated and dont intend too. I often wonder if there are men like this to? Reading too many infidelity posts can make it seem like everyone is a cheater. That being said I dont think its good to develop a "grass is greener" notion. Rather, decide what is exceptable to you. What kind of people do you want in your life. I wonder why we chose to stay with those who have so grievously betrayed us? If they were a friend, buisness partner, relative we would step back and protect ourselves.
If no kids were involved she would have been launched the minute I found out. When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught. Basically at that point I took control and told her how it was going to be. I realized that when you have two young boys that look up to you and the thought of them not being there when you come home every day made me sick. It made me think it is best to give this a try and see how it goes before subjecting them and me to that kind of pain. Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened. I never considered being with anyone else and infidelity was not a big concern. And just to clarify with another post on here- she had no idea he was in the neighborhood until the Cub Scout meeting. We both lived in our respective homes 6 years and she had no clue he was there. Some kind of luck for me, right?
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Old 14th October 2016, 10:46 AM   #19
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So i am confused, you referenced that their meet up at the park was only kissing and over the shirt touching....did they have other meetings where they actually had sex or was this the only meeting they had that you know of?
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Old 14th October 2016, 11:01 AM   #20
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Hi 40something, guess you are living on borrowed time. Apparently your wife is not remorseful and if you escaped the bullet this time, you won't the next time round. You indulged in a lot of loose talk when you said at your counselling sessions that you were fantasizing about life with someone else. The fact is that you did not walk the talk and so your talk was cheap. Have you informed the other BS about what was going on? Maybe your wife's lover boy would be mortified when he feels the heat on his own marriage. Your wife of course is completely unreliable. Something to think about.
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Old 14th October 2016, 11:53 AM   #21
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So i am confused, you referenced that their meet up at the park was only kissing and over the shirt touching....did they have other meetings where they actually had sex or was this the only meeting they had that you know of?
I verified this on Google location history- the only meetups were 3 lunches during the noon hour. Then, he texted that he wanted more and they discussed starting a physical relationship slowly to see what would happen. They then met up a 4th time at the park. Both say they didn't even kiss. He played with her boobs some but then said he couldn't do this and it wasn't right and it was over. Kind of strange and kind of hard to believe. But the texts I read (and obviously were not supposed to read) did confirm that.
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Old 14th October 2016, 1:22 PM   #22
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one of the things I am doing is totally trying to heal as fast as I can. Most days are much better now but something minor does sometimes set me off. I am sincerely trying my best to make it work and if it isn't good enough for her then fine...she will be launched. Basically, I am hoping for the best but also protecting myself by giving myself permission to be treated the way I want to be treated or I will find someone else. And if she feels things are much better and happier (which she has said lately) for her and I am not all there then I guess it will be my turn to rock her world turning it upside down. It may sound cold but this ordeal changed me a lot and I will stand strong in the end regardless.
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Old 14th October 2016, 3:03 PM   #23
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so what are her consequences for the A?

nude photos, lunches and she goes to counseling?

Have you told her parents and yours? Have you told the OM's wife?

Did you do a DNA test on the kids? get her tested for stds?

Sounds like she got to have her lunches, go to the park, she was for him emotionally. She lied to you and went with him when you requested that she not go?

You can't trust her. Has she signed a post nup? what about her other Affairs?

You assume she only had the one? she got caught on this one.

So how is she going to prove to you that she has stopped this A and all her other affairs? How will she prove that she respects you? No actions happened. her parents - do they know? Your family - do they know?

you will not nice her out of affairs by rugsweeping. what will she do to prove to you that she has stopped lying and cheating?

did you have her sell the house and move? Did she confess to the OM's wife?

did you go to affair recovery ? has she read how to help your spouse heal from her affair? did she read not just friends?

Good luck to you and your kids. You can not trust her or any thing she says. Her actions are showing you she wanted to play more.

Does she have webwatcher on her phone and her burner phone? voice recorder in the house and her car?
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Old 14th October 2016, 3:56 PM   #24
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Umm, most of us experienced this -
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When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught.
- and rest assured that not SOME of it but ALL of it was because she got caught. Believe me: Her imagination was preoccupied; she wasted little time imagining she'd get caught. That's why it was a shock.

And you're not the first to think this:
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Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened.
Fact is that when you assumed she was your same "faithful" companion as always, you were wrong. I'm not being adversarial; just saying you might be surprised to discover some or a lot of your previous assumptions about her and your marriage were in your head but not hers. Sorry.

One last thing: You explained your evidence and why you feel convinced about 'how far' they went. That's enough time spent on convincing us imo. You have other things to work out besides that. :/
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Old 14th October 2016, 4:17 PM   #25
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If no kids were involved she would have been launched the minute I found out. When I busted her she fell to the ground like puddy and cried and apologized profusely. She had a lot of guilt. I think some of it was she was shocked she got caught. Basically at that point I took control and told her how it was going to be. I realized that when you have two young boys that look up to you and the thought of them not being there when you come home every day made me sick. It made me think it is best to give this a try and see how it goes before subjecting them and me to that kind of pain. Her and I don't fight much and actually had a pretty solid marriage before this happened. I never considered being with anyone else and infidelity was not a big concern. And just to clarify with another post on here- she had no idea he was in the neighborhood until the Cub Scout meeting. We both lived in our respective homes 6 years and she had no clue he was there. Some kind of luck for me, right?
Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.
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Old 14th October 2016, 4:40 PM   #26
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Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.
ExACTly. They don't acknowledge, much less understand, the contradiction between professed values and actions.
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Old 14th October 2016, 4:46 PM   #27
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Just a note..I too stayed for myself and kids. I have always loved my h and kids. Family means everything to me. Of course, i was going to try everything. But as it turned out my husband's one time cheating wasnt one time but many. He was the last person i would have thought to do it. Because in other areas of his life he rode the moral high horse. Just keep your eyes WIDE open. Often there is way more than we know about. More affairs in the past or future.
Wife explained to me that he was 'the one that got away' from back in the day. The one that circumstances from past kept from getting closure. I don't want this to hijack the thread but he told her this time that he still could never be with her in a relationship that physical was the most he'd go (before he chickened out and broke it off) because my wife slept with his best friend and he could never commit to her. In fact, he twice actually asked my wife to hook him up with her bestie that is single. My wife was hurt. What I can't get over is how obsessed she was over this guy despite being completely disrespected that way. And I will say it- I do not know what is sexy about an obese 370 plus pound mound of hairy cellulite with yellow teeth and a so-so job? I am a good looking guy, in shape who has an excellent job and plenty of women compliment my dress and overall appearance. Wife told me that he was the only guy in the world who was even a threat to me and it turns out he lives around the corner. She told the therapist that she was no longer in love with him and the therapist told me that she believes my wife. I just don't know how someone can not see or hear from another for 15 years, immediately fall for them hard basically saying they always wondered what happened to them, have a texting based affair that was VERY steamy (S&M talk and lots of it) only to now say that they are over him now, this quickly. Lastly, I will add, that I have been getting home a little later since July (20 minutes later than usual) because there is a road that is now a toll and it affects the route I take by having more people on it. But, she got jealous about a month ago convinced that I was seeing someone else between getting off work and getting home. This is when I was pulling away and not pursuing her. She got real concerned. Funny that she was worried I was cheating when she and I knew what she was up to.
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Old 14th October 2016, 4:48 PM   #28
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This is very typical of cheaters.
They project their own behavior on others.
I believe that this is quite telling about her.
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Old 14th October 2016, 4:54 PM   #29
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In a way, the best revenge is the humiliation she felt from this knowing that I spoke many times to him and she was in total disbelief that I was able to tell details that could have only come from him. The fact that her husband confronted and got LOTS of info from him was just the ultimate humiliation for her. And IF I do decide to leave, I will do it when she is starting to feel great about things again and I will want it to hurt. My attitude is that I am the prize and I know it. I am good looking, stable, great dad, very good job, loyal, and now very self aware and confident. I just love my boys too much right now to put anyone through pain. I feel I can take my time and see how I feel over the next few months.
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Old 14th October 2016, 5:14 PM   #30
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At the risk of sounding naÔve, I will say that I am sure my wife was faithful to me up until this point. She was very much different b4 running into the lard arse. I knew her schedules, she was always around and really had no opportunity to cheat. The only time was over lunch and that was usually spent with me at least 4 if not all 5 days. We had sex more often etc. She did tell me that she was kind of promiscuous back in the day (she was raped by a relative that lived with them from 9 to 11 years old and her mom blamed her for making him do it...I know really sick stuff) b/c attention from men is what made her feel good about herself. When she met me she knew I was the husband material she always wanted and she basically just turned her back on her past life and moved forward with me. Told me that I was the 1st guy who loved her for who she was and not bc she was a hot girl who was easy. She alluded to sex partners of her past but told me after she was exposed she never told me the extent of her number of past partners. I would think the same thing you all are but I have dug in her past, looked at her Google location history, texts and calls from years back and it is all boring stuff which is good. It wasn't until the hairy jackass came around that she was different. I will say that she now shares her passwords with me and is trying to show she is not hiding anything. I think she is coming back to how she was pre-phat arse fever but time will tell and if I pull the plug and hurt her oh well..

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 15th October 2016 at 7:56 AM.. Reason: language~T
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