So, what do I do?

[Miyoko]

Sorry for the long post, Here's my story.

 

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and have been married for 2 years. He's 46, and I'm 39. Our relationship was long distance for the first 2 years, until I moved in with him in late 2012. living together was a huge adjustment for both of us, he suffers from bi-polar depression; i had a hard time adjusting to that and him living with me, and my quirks. During that time we fought occasionally, (please pick up your socks, wash the plate you put in the sink) nothing major.

 

In late 2013, we decided to move from the apartment that we rented, and we decided to buy a house. I bought the home as I had a better income and credit, a year later we got married, and he lost his job because the company was bought out and re-located in another state. We struggled financially, as I am the breadwinner, and he struggled to get a job, and when he did, he didn't keep them for very long for various reasons. Our financial struggles really took a toll on me as I really felt the pressure of making the bills each month. We rarely go out on date nights as we didn't have room in our budget. We did find things to do around our area that were free. We had sex about once a month at that time, he's had some issues.

 

Back in March, I was using the computer we shared, to view my e-mail account, he saved the password to his e-mail account, which automatically took me to his account. The very first e-mail in his inbox was from the very dating site we met on, I know I was wrong for not exiting out of his account, but I clicked on the e-mail which took me to the website and his inbox. When I clicked his message box, there was 2 messages from 2 women he's chatting with online. In the messages, he's telling them that we are separated, and going through a divorce, and he gave them his number for them to call him sometime. I was in shock, I couldn't believe it, I was numb, I was very angry I exploded. I confronted him immediately, he denied it, until I showed him what I was talking about, he was annoyed that I was in his e-mail. He made me feel as though i'm making a big deal out of nothing, he said he would never cheat on me, but he understood why I would be angry. I demanded he erase his account. A few days later I checked to see if his account was deleted, and I couldn't find it. I was devastated, after that incident we went from having sex once a month to a few months.

 

Early last month, we talked about having a family, I told him that as of now I don't think it is a good idea as we have too many issues.

 

Soon after that, I used the laptop we shared to get on Facebook, while I do not have a Facebook account, I got on to find a memorial page of a friend whom I learned passed away. Again, it took me to my husband's Facebook page as he saved the password on his computer. I checked his messages and he's chatting up an ex girlfriend, and another woman telling them the same story that he's separated going through a divorce. I confronted him, although this time I didn't tell him where I got the info from. He was thinking I found something from his phone as he told me that now he's got a job he can get his phone separate. I told him I didn't get information from his phone. I'm hurt, numb, shocked, and angry. Had I not found out, I wouldn't have been none the wiser. I found a counselor to start IC. My first appointment was this past Saturday, he knows I've been distant from him, and I told him that I was going to the appointment.

 

I told the counselor our history, his disorder, and the counselor said that his behavior isn't appropriate, and asked if he was willing to do MC. I said that he said in the past he didn't want to. I told her about his issues keeping a job, and I told her how I felt.When I got home, I told the spouse that I wasn't happy, and how my appointment went with the counselor. He told me that he loves me, he's willing to go to MC and that if I wanted a divorce I'd have to divorce him, and if that's what I decided to do please just not blindside him with a divorce. I plan on continuing IC and I'm going to let the consoler know that he has a change of heart on MC. As of right now, I'm not sure what to do, I do know that I don't trust him, I definitely don't want to start a family, let alone sleep with him.

 

If I decided to separate/divorce he would have no where to go, and financially it'll be hard for both of us. I am going to consult with an attorney to see what my options are if I decide to divorce. Thoughts?

Edited October 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[ChickiePops]

Is his bipolar disorder treated or untreated?

 

My thoughts are that he has no intention of stopping his activities no matter how many times you catch him.

 

If it were me, I would start with the MC because I would need answers.

[Miyoko]

Is his bipolar disorder treated or untreated?

 

My thoughts are that he has no intention of stopping his activities no matter how many times you catch him.

 

If it were me, I would start with the MC because I would need answers.

 

Treated, he's on medication.

[Mr. Lucky]

My thoughts are that he has no intention of stopping his activities no matter how many times you catch him.

 

Amen, which means any discussion about children is completely inappropriate unless you're interested in experiencing the challenges of single motherhood.

 

Miyoko, appears you've ignored a number of red flags and outright stop signs already. Unless your husband is willing to participate in MC AND makes substantial progress doing so, not sure how much more time I'd invest in the relationship. Most would have already walked away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miyoko]

Amen, which means any discussion about children is completely inappropriate unless you're interested in experiencing the challenges of single motherhood.

 

Miyoko, appears you've ignored a number of red flags and outright stop signs already. Unless your husband is willing to participate in MC AND makes substantial progress doing so, not sure how much more time I'd invest in the relationship. Most would have already walked away...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And You're right, the challenges of motherhood isn't something I want to experience. It's interesting you mentioned me ignoring the number of red flags, this is something the counselor mentioned in my first IC appointment, the counselor things I didn't know the red flags to look out for. Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone, I appreciate it.

[ChickiePops]

And You're right, the challenges of motherhood isn't something I want to experience. It's interesting you mentioned me ignoring the number of red flags, this is something the counselor mentioned in my first IC appointment, the counselor things I didn't know the red flags to look out for. Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone, I appreciate it.

 

I mean..finding him on a dating site is more than just a red flag. I don't agree with your counselor on this. You knew he was doing bad things but you CHOSE to ignore them.

 

Next step is to figure out why.

[BetrayedH]

Check out the thread pinned at the top of this forum for wayward spouses. While you're obviously not the wayward in this case, it'll give you a clue what "true remorse" looks like, and what you should expect to see/demand from your H.

 

At this point you've effectively accepted this behavior from him twice. I wouldn't have much confidence that you won't experience a reoccurence. If you're going to delay filing for divorce, I'd have some serious demands/requirements/dealbreakers spelled out and be prepared to enforce them (as in, your attorney on speed-dial).

[BTDT2012]

Seeing an attorney is a good first step. Make plans for moving on without him. And never let him know your source of information.

[oldshirt]

let's talk about counseling for a moment. MC can help couples where both people are sincere and decent people who are committed to the relationship and willing to work on their communication to come a mutual agreement on issues that they may disagree on.

 

Counseling in general relies on opening up more effective channels of communication and more constructive means of discussing issues.

 

Counseling does NOT correct bad behavior or change character flaws.

 

Counseling in it's self does not treat mental or personality disorders. That in many cases requires medical doctors, psychiatrists and mental health therapists.

 

In other words, counseling is not really going to help you here as you are dealing with someone with character flaws and mental health and personality issues.

 

You can tell him your counselor said he is being inappropriate until y'all are blue in face but it isn't going to amount to a hill of beans because he has bad character and a mental health/personality disorder.

 

That time and money being used on counseling would be better spent consulting with an attorney to determine your rights and responsibilities in a divorce and come up with a divorce plan and get a glimpse of what your post-divorce life will look like.

[smackie9]

He's a big boy, he will have no choice but to find a place to live. I'm sure family will take him in or he can sleep on a friend's couch. You shouldn't be chained to him because of his situation. Don't worry, you will get through this.

[Poutrew]

Looking up a lawyer is a good first start. You need to make his fantasy of you and him going through divorce a reality. As far as him having no where to go, don't worry about it - some of the women he is chatting up can let him crash at their homes...

[flowergirl14]

Someone who is seeking out other women on multiple sites is a Serial Cheater period. He isnt telling them he is getting a divorce because he wants to be friends. He Wants to cheat. This will never be a healthy relationship for you. Never. I wouldnt suggest mc. Just get out and be thankful you didnt bring kids into this world because he most certainly is going to cheat.

[bummer]

I don't know marriage or divorce but know when one person makes money and has resources (a house) purchased "together" there can be some losses coming your way if you decide to split.

 

I sense he is trying to push you to the divorce and perhaps he knows he'll get his share without much effort. In the meantime, he has no reason to leave, he can leach off you and get his cake elsewhere too.

 

Time to lawyer up hard and see this guy for what he really is - a classic POS.

[Southern Sun]

Here you are worried about hurting him financially and he's talking to other women and telling them he's ALREADY divorcing.

 

You are just a couple of short years into this marriage and he's already misbehaving. There are some statistics that show that cheating (if there will be any) often occurs early, due to the sudden fear of commitment. For some people, panic can set in and they rebel. That's not to say people are unredeemable. I don't think it's always a deal breaker. I am however concerned about his minimization of his actions. He doesn't seem to think they are a big deal or really care that you're hurt.

 

I'm also hearing other concerning things in your story about his general lack of contribution to your household. Maybe the fact that this was a LDR for a while protected you from some truths about this man...that would have been important for you to know.

 

Six years is no small investment but I agree with another poster - I would outline my requirements and let him know you are dead serious. Come through or you're done.

[Miyoko]

Check out the thread pinned at the top of this forum for wayward spouses. While you're obviously not the wayward in this case, it'll give you a clue what "true remorse" looks like, and what you should expect to see/demand from your H.

 

At this point you've effectively accepted this behavior from him twice. I wouldn't have much confidence that you won't experience a reoccurence. If you're going to delay filing for divorce, I'd have some serious demands/requirements/dealbreakers spelled out and be prepared to enforce them (as in, your attorney on speed-dial).

This is what I'm afraid of..

let's talk about counseling for a moment. MC can help couples where both people are sincere and decent people who are committed to the relationship and willing to work on their communication to come a mutual agreement on issues that they may disagree on.

 

Counseling in general relies on opening up more effective channels of communication and more constructive means of discussing issues.

 

Counseling does NOT correct bad behavior or change character flaws.

 

Counseling in it's self does not treat mental or personality disorders. That in many cases requires medical doctors, psychiatrists and mental health therapists.

 

In other words, counseling is not really going to help you here as you are dealing with someone with character flaws and mental health and personality issues.

 

You can tell him your counselor said he is being inappropriate until y'all are blue in face but it isn't going to amount to a hill of beans because he has bad character and a mental health/personality disorder.

 

That time and money being used on counseling would be better spent consulting with an attorney to determine your rights and responsibilities in a divorce and come up with a divorce plan and get a glimpse of what your post-divorce life will look like.

 

Thank you for your advice, my best friend said something similar to me, she feels I need to cut my losses and move on.

 

He's a big boy, he will have no choice but to find a place to live. I'm sure family will take him in or he can sleep on a friend's couch. You shouldn't be chained to him because of his situation. Don't worry, you will get through this.

Thank you

 

I don't know marriage or divorce but know when one person makes money and has resources (a house) purchased "together" there can be some losses coming your way if you decide to split.

 

I sense he is trying to push you to the divorce and perhaps he knows he'll get his share without much effort. In the meantime, he has no reason to leave, he can leach off you and get his cake elsewhere too.

 

Time to lawyer up hard and see this guy for what he really is - a classic POS.

 

I consulted with an attorney, and unfortunately the house will have to be sold, the equity will be split 50/50, and there is a possibility that he can get receive a portion of my 401k. He says he doesn't want a divorce, and he wants to work things out. part of me wonders if he genuinely wants to work things out, or just not lose what he has, having a place to live etc..

 

Here you are worried about hurting him financially and he's talking to other women and telling them he's ALREADY divorcing.

 

You are just a couple of short years into this marriage and he's already misbehaving. There are some statistics that show that cheating (if there will be any) often occurs early, due to the sudden fear of commitment. For some people, panic can set in and they rebel. That's not to say people are unredeemable. I don't think it's always a deal breaker. I am however concerned about his minimization of his actions. He doesn't seem to think they are a big deal or really care that you're hurt.

 

I'm also hearing other concerning things in your story about his general lack of contribution to your household. Maybe the fact that this was a LDR for a while protected you from some truths about this man...that would have been important for you to know.

 

Six years is no small investment but I agree with another poster - I would outline my requirements and let him know you are dead serious. Come through or you're done.

I was thinking about this, I checked out the sticky another poster suggested about what a WS should act like, and even though he bought me flowers, being extra nice, he would then get angry because I'm distant, and sleeping in the guest bedroom. He is acting like everything is normal, asking for sex then getting angry because I don't want to. He told me that if I want a divorce, to tell him and not blindside him.

[Midwestmissy]

Not blindside him?!?! So doing things behind your back and blindsiding you is ok, but totally unfair if you do it? He's got quite a pair. Put your big girl pants on and blindside him with a pit bull attorney and an ironclad divorce. Don't you dare bow to his terms. He broke the terms of the marriage you both agreed to. He doesn't have a say anymore. Walk away from this strong and proud.