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Regretful one

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Regretful one

Im not totally sure why or if I should post here as I am a WS and it seems this forum might be more geared towards the BS. In any event it seems sharing and hearing others points of view and or advice makes it worth doing so.

 

I am a WS... I am a cheater. I betrayed my wife of 20 years. Here is my story. Its a long version. If you don't want the back ground, skip down...

 

Distant Back Ground

We married fairly young. I 23, she 22. She was pregnant. But I did love her and she loved me. I finished college and we made a life for ourselves. Had many good times and as a team we worked hard to be happy. Eventually careers advanced and two more children were had. Over time there were marriage struggles but most could be worked through and in general we were fairly happy. Looking back now I see a point in time where things went off the track. I have issues from my childhood (abuse, neglect, grew up very poor in a home with an alcoholic/drug using mother and a myriad of boyfriends and step dads). One issue was finances. I stress over money and always worried about running out and ending up poor as I was when I was young. Anyway, my wife trying to protect me would hide things from me. Eventually this led to her accumulating a 10,000 credit card debt. Mostly used to pay bills. When I found out I felt betrayed and lost trust in her. I said I forgave her but I didn't. Not long after that I started talking to an old HS GF via myspace. What started out as an innocent "hey how are things?" evolved into a year long conversation. Things were not sexual or all that inappropriate but it was hidden from my wife and we vented to each other about our marriage issues. So by most definitions It was an emotional affair I assume. My wife suspected something and read these conversations as I slept. She was obviously hurt that I confided in another woman. That was about 8 years ago.

 

Recent Back Ground

After this emotional affair was revealed we worked through some of those things. I refused counseling as in my mind it wasn't really an affair. I had not done anything sexual with this person nor had cyber sex etc.. it was "platonic talk". Thats what I thought at the time anyway and why I refused counseling. I regret that decision greatly. Time marched on. I promised to never talk to that woman again and have kept that promise. The economy went into a recession and I lost my job. Till that time I had prided myself on taking care of my family and being the provider. My wife worked part time but I was the provider making a good living. Unfortunately we had to sell our home and I went on unemployment for the first time in my life. My self image was shattered. I felt my wife did not respect me as I was now staying home finding different things to do in order to earn money. She was working full time and we were renting a home. This was about 5 years ago. I remember having a lot of shame and self hate during that time. I had to take a trip with my son for a sporting event. A group of parents went out to a local pub for a couple drinks. Regretfully I had to much to drink and there was a mom from another team who was very aggressively pursuing me. Not that I'm making an excuse just stating a fact. My ego and low self image enjoyed the attention she gave me and the alcohol reduced my inhibitions to the point we ended up in my hotel room. The next morning I felt great shame and incredible guilt. I considered myself a Christian man. I loved my wife. Yet I did this. I know you reading this will think of me as a monster with no self control and I deserve that. The guilt was enormous but I decided I would just move on from it and never think about it again. I told the woman it was a mistake and I did not want to have an on going affair with her. Some time went by. I began hating myself more and more. Eventually I found someone to talk to online. Other parts of the country. One turned into several. Eventually I had 4 or 5 women I was chatting with online. Some conversations were platonic and some not. My walk with God had stopped at this point. I welcomed the conversations with women. I felt like I wasn't such a bad person as these women liked me.. thought I was impressive etc.. I was a fool. At this time my marriage was suffering. My wife had given up in some ways. I felt no connection with her and I longed for it. For her she lost herself in our marriage and lost the desire to connect with me. The economy had gotten better and now I was back to making a good income yet still stressed about money. My wife in hopes of limiting that stress continued to work full time. Issues from my childhood kept creeping back in. My shame and self hate intensified. I began to have anger issues and would snap at people for little reason.

 

Current

About 4 months ago hating myself more and more, wanting to find reason that I was something someone would want I sought an affair. It was easy to find. Unfortunately what I discovered was that it only took me to new lows. At the same time this started my wife instantly noticed a change in me. She recalled a month or so ago that I looked dead. I had no life in me and I looked sad all the time. Which is true. For some reason I said "maybe I need to see someone". My wife jumped at that and had an appointment made for me the next day. I started getting counseling. I started learning that the neglect and abuse I suffered through in many ways led to my self hate, shame, insecurities etc.. I never wanted to talk about my childhood before. The really bad things that were done to me and I assumed that I could block that past out. Unfortunately we can't. As my eyes were opened and some of that pain finally dealt with I knew I had to stop my affair. My counselor actually suggested I not stop it. After one session I went home and almost out of the blue knew not only did I need to stop it I needed to confess. Confess to God and to my wife. I waited a couple days till the weekend. And broke my wife's heart as I confessed to her what I had done for the previous 4 years. This was 7 weeks ago.

 

While the confession, continued individual counseling and getting right with God again has made huge positive changes in my life, it has at the same time turned the world of my family upside down. After my confession things followed very much as outlined in the pinned "Things every wayward spouse needs to know". At first she was numb to it all. We stayed close. She said she didn't want a divorce. She didn't want anyone to know. That turned into her needing to tell her friends. Then co-workers. Then I had to confess to her parents, my parents, our kids. Then She needed space. I moved out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom. That as of a week ago turned into her needing more space so I rented an apartment (where I now sit). We have been going to couples counseling and my wife is at a place where she doesn't know what she wants. Doesn't know what she feels. She can't believe anything I say. Which I understand. Our counselor suggested doing a no contact strategy. My wife and I were texting often which I felt was helpful but now its nothing.

 

My feelings/thoughts

From the moment I confessed I knew I wanted to stay married. My wife has told me she wished I never told her. Wished I just changed my ways and went on with our lives. But I couldn't do that - I had to be honest with her and God if I ever hoped to have the kind of marriage I want. I know most reading this won't believe me but I do truly love my wife and never stopped. I know I made a big terrible mistake. I understand what I have done and take full responsibility for it. My life is at the lowest point its ever been. I only have God to lean on and a tiny bit of hope that my wife will give me another chance. I know i have hurt my wife to the likes she has never been hurt before. I hate that I caused this pain. I hate that I was so selfish to do what Ive done. I hate that I am separated from my wife and family and alone.

 

I guess don't have any questions for anyone. Id welcome thoughts. I don't have anyone to really talk to and will never look to other women to talk to again. So I was looking for a place to get things out. Put my testimony out there. I started going to a Christian Mens support group which is helpful. Maybe if nothing else there is another guy out there who is where I was, am or will be that has some thoughts. I feel guilty even asking for support as a WS but this is so very painful for me as well. Im not the type of guy who cries. I have gone years with out shedding a tear yet find that I can not stop. I don't expect sympathy at all. I simply miss my wife who is my best friend and hate myself for ruining so much.

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

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Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I think the best things you can do now are continue IC. That is key. Give your wife the space and the time that she needs.

 

Apologize and be open with her about any and everything.

 

Get into a support group that is geared for WS that is not just about sinning and repenting but understanding the whys. The roots of your problems.

 

I read a great book..

Changes that heal- Dr Henry Cloud

 

Do you have support from friends, someone you can talk to that will encourage you?

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If your wife shares your religious views would suggest to you that you find a counselor who shares you religious beliefs, as they sound like they are a very important part of your life.

 

I'm not semireligious myself, but I can understand how they could be a real source of strength for the two fo you right now.

 

Something you wrote stuck out to me, and I might have misunderstood it. You indicated that " I knew I had to stop my affair. My counselor actually suggested I not stop it." that sounds like odd advice, given your state of mind and how much guilt and shame you were feeling about it.

 

If I'm right in my interpretation, I would suggest you find another counselor for yourself, as that one doesn't sound like he or she understands you and the value you place on your beliefs that well at all.

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Regretful one
Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Do you have support from friends, someone you can talk to that will encourage you?

 

Thank you for your comment. As of right now we are seeing the same counselor for individual counseling and switching every week from couples to individual which I guess might switch to 3 times a month for IC and once a month for couples. My biggest fear is that it seems like every week we keep taking steps towards divorce. For the first couple weeks after I confessed we were in the same bed. Had sex. Would do things together.. Then she started wanting more space. Then sex only if it had no connection - just physical which I said I didn't want. Then I was moved to a spare bedroom. To now where Im in an apartment and not supposed to contact my wife except about kids.

 

Ive been looking for a support WS group and not having much luck. Guess Im not sure where to look. One reason I came here. Counseling has helped tons with the "why". I didn't share that here as I felt it would come off as making excuses.

 

Unfortunately I don't have many friends. I have family especially my wife's family but that can seem awkward.

 

I was wondering if someone in my position who really really wants to reconcile should consider doing something along the lines of "the 180"? I have been very open - answering every question with painful honesty. I continue to apologize and confess my deep love for her when given any opportunity.

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Regretful one
If your wife shares your religious views would suggest to you that you find a counselor who shares you religious beliefs, as they sound like they are a very important part of your life.

 

I'm not semireligious myself, but I can understand how they could be a real source of strength for the two fo you right now.

 

Something you wrote stuck out to me, and I might have misunderstood it. You indicated that " I knew I had to stop my affair. My counselor actually suggested I not stop it." that sounds like odd advice, given your state of mind and how much guilt and shame you were feeling about it.

 

If I'm right in my interpretation, I would suggest you find another counselor for yourself, as that one doesn't sound like he or she understands you and the value you place on your beliefs that well at all.

 

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that Im not just getting bashed. I do that plenty on my own and this is much more helpful so thank you.

 

Yes my wife shares my religious views for sure. Our counselor knows this and is somewhat of a Christian counselor which is to say that she uses it if her clients are religious. And yes it is my only source of strength right now. I think id be drinking heavily or holding a gun to my head by now if it wasn't.

 

Well I may have said things in an unintended way regarding my counselor. After I told her about my affair I had a few more sessions with her prior to confessing to my wife. At one of the sessions my counselor said "you have noticed I have not suggested you end the affair yet..." It was something I noticed and something I had expected her to do. I believe the reason that my counselor said this was because I was dealing with a lot of self hate.. huge amounts. Suicidal amounts. My wife has not really connected with me for a few years. I was Looking for an emotional connection and trying to fill that void of connecting with another human being that we all have inside us. my counselor I think wanted to move slowly though the process. We had also never discussed confessing to my wife. My counselor was shocked when I told her I did that. My counselor is very much against infidelity she made it clear that what I did was wrong and that I have to take full responsibility for it. Im not sure this answers your question but my counselor wasn't encouraging me to continue to cheat on my wife even though it sort of sounds like that.

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Thank you for your comment. As of right now we are seeing the same counselor for individual counseling and switching every week from couples to individual which I guess might switch to 3 times a month for IC and once a month for couples. My biggest fear is that it seems like every week we keep taking steps towards divorce. For the first couple weeks after I confessed we were in the same bed. Had sex. Would do things together.. Then she started wanting more space. Then sex only if it had no connection - just physical which I said I didn't want. Then I was moved to a spare bedroom. To now where Im in an apartment and not supposed to contact my wife except about kids.

 

Ive been looking for a support WS group and not having much luck. Guess Im not sure where to look. One reason I came here. Counseling has helped tons with the "why". I didn't share that here as I felt it would come off as making excuses.

 

Unfortunately I don't have many friends. I have family especially my wife's family but that can seem awkward.

 

I was wondering if someone in my position who really really wants to reconcile should consider doing something along the lines of "the 180"? I have been very open - answering every question with painful honesty. I continue to apologize and confess my deep love for her when given any opportunity.

 

 

This does not sound like a healthy counselor.

 

Do you belong to a church? Sometimes bigger churches have more resources than smaller ones or know where to direct you.

 

Do not go to a "Christian counselor". You want to see someone who is strong in their faith. But is a certified therapist. Marriage and family therapist. Behavioral.

You need your own IC. Your wife needs her own IC and go to MC together.

 

You confessed, repented. But recovery is not going to be easy. 2-5 years they say.

 

This is traumatic for her. Her whole world has been shattered. Does she want to work things out?

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I know I made a big terrible mistake.

 

Regretful one, here's what your spouse is struggling with.

 

A mistake is picking up a pepperoni pizza from the frozen case when you wanted cheese. A mistake is wearing socks that don't match or writing down the wrong time for your dental appointment.

 

You made choices. And not just one but a consistent series of actions you knew risked your family, marriage and future with your wife. And yet you went ahead anyway.

 

That's what you're up against. Keep working on yourself, it's the only part under your control...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This does not sound like a healthy counselor.

 

Do you belong to a church? Sometimes bigger churches have more resources than smaller ones or know where to direct you.

 

Do not go to a "Christian counselor". You want to see someone who is strong in their faith. But is a certified therapist. Marriage and family therapist. Behavioral.

You need your own IC. Your wife needs her own IC and go to MC together.

 

You confessed, repented. But recovery is not going to be easy. 2-5 years they say.

 

This is traumatic for her. Her whole world has been shattered. Does she want to work things out?

 

Ive had my doubts about the counselor at times but at other times I really think she is perfect. I have no previous experience with counselors however. I know she really has helped me on an individual level.

 

She speaks very straight forward and it is scary at times.. During couples sessions she will tell my wife that she needs to take time to determine if she wants to pursue reconciliation or divorce. I really hate even hearing that word. The counselor or therapist is not a "Christian counselor". She is a licensed family therapist with a LCSW degree etc.. She seems like what you described - strong in her own faith and knowledgeable about biblical things but also clinical.

 

I understand recovery takes time. Im just hoping that she decides she wants to pursue reconciliation. My heart says she does but sometimes she says things to me that are very discouraging. For weeks after my confession she said she didn't want a divorce. Since then she has talked more about divorce. Told me that she would still want to be friends when I remarried. Told me she wished she had been having an affair too as it would help it not hurt so bad. Other times she tells me things will be OK. Tells me to "hang in there" and not to give up. Leaves me very confused and feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster ride from hell.

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Apart from whatever actions you are taking , you need to stop looking at other women for any reason. No exes, no female friends , no acquaintances, nada. She needs to see that you will never repeat. No excuses. No covering up with any lane title ' friend since I was 10 years old drama , she is like a sister ' etc etc . It's not alcoholic or drug addiction that you need to wean off but it's something that you can again go to if you don't stop right away.

 

Some people are forgiving. Hope she is. After that the entire burden is on you to prove that you were worth her forgiveness. Don't make her regret her forgiveness.

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Regretful one

 

A mistake is picking up a pepperoni pizza....

 

Yes I realize its beyond a "mistake".. but what do I call it. I understand it was a choice. It was a total betrayal. I get it.

 

Yes working on myself is about the only thing I can do.. that is true.

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I can't promise you that you'll be able to reconcile, but it certainly is possible. If you are able to, it's going to take a long time and hard work. It's normal for your wife to be on a rollercoaster of emotions, some up and some down. She may go from feeling like she loves you to not ever wanting to see you and back again.

 

In this situation, there are no quick fixes,and slow but steady is the way to go.

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Apart from whatever actions you are taking , you need to stop looking at other women for any reason. No exes, no female friends , no acquaintances, nada. She needs to see that you will never repeat. No excuses. No covering up with any lane title ' friend since I was 10 years old drama , she is like a sister ' etc etc . It's not alcoholic or drug addiction that you need to wean off but it's something that you can again go to if you don't stop right away.

 

Some people are forgiving. Hope she is. After that the entire burden is on you to prove that you were worth her forgiveness. Don't make her regret her forgiveness.

 

Agree 100%. Fortunately I haven't been tempted at all since Ive confessed. But I agree with your point. I have to be hyper vigilant with this. Even my counselor said to avoid even being in the same room alone with a female (at work for example). I am taking that seriously and this forum here is as close as I've come to communication with a female. I realize I had/have an addiction to getting affirmation from women.

 

Hoping I have the chance to prove to her... Thank you for the comment.

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Agree 100%. Fortunately I haven't been tempted at all since Ive confessed. But I agree with your point. I have to be hyper vigilant with this. Even my counselor said to avoid even being in the same room alone with a female (at work for example). I am taking that seriously and this forum here is as close as I've come to communication with a female. I realize I had/have an addiction to getting affirmation from women.

 

Hoping I have the chance to prove to her... Thank you for the comment.

 

Some people come in our lives for a reason. She might have been such a person.Because of her you have faced your issues and now dealing with them. I really hope it works out for you.m

 

At the same time , it will be very sad if you guys don't patch up because even though she was the reason, ultimately you will heal from your past but she will live with the issues that you gave her !

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Have you answered all of your BW's questions about the affair?

 

 

Have you trickle truthed her, omitted facts, minimized when answering BW's questions?

 

 

Are you transparent?

 

 

Meaning BW knows all the ways you contacted your AP's to conduct your affairs?

 

 

Does BW know all your passwords?

 

 

Is you phone unlocked and BW have access 24/7/365?

 

 

Have all OW's number, and emails been blocked?

 

 

Have you closed all of your social accounts such as FB?

 

 

Does your phone have GPS on so BW can track you when she wants?

 

 

Is any answers are no then you have to correct them. For not to do so you will never have a chance to rebuild the trust that you broke with your BW.

 

 

What have you done to reconnect the emotional relationship with your BW?

 

 

Dates every week?

 

 

Do you spend 20 us alone quality time with your BW every week?

 

 

And you are in the right place.

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I am a BS. I understand oh because my husband had a similar horrible childhood full of abandonment and sexual abuse and alcoholism. He feels/felt many of the same ways you do about yourself.

 

He also sought out affairs. They made him feel good, didn't know his past, it was an escapism. Real life is difficult sometimes.

 

He's in counseling too. Stay there. You owe it to yourself and your family to be healthy for you and for them.

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Also check out affair recovery . Com. And the affair recovery videos on you tube.

 

They helped us a lot. You may do better with a religious counselor since they will be more guided to keep you together

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Are the both of you still living at home?

 

 

This is a must.

 

NO he isn't at home any more.

After my confession things followed very much as outlined in the pinned "Things every wayward spouse needs to know". At first she was numb to it all. We stayed close. She said she didn't want a divorce. She didn't want anyone to know. That turned into her needing to tell her friends. Then co-workers. Then I had to confess to her parents, my parents, our kids. Then She needed space. I moved out of our bedroom and into a spare bedroom. That as of a week ago turned into her needing more space so I rented an apartment (where I now sit). We have been going to couples counseling and my wife is at a place where she doesn't know what she wants. Doesn't know what she feels. She can't believe anything I say. Which I understand. Our counselor suggested doing a no contact strategy. My wife and I were texting often which I felt was helpful but now its nothing.

Seems to me her processing went from no divorce and let's keep it a secret and carry on, to telling everyone and "I think I don't want this man in my life any longer..."

 

Why did you counsellor feel you should go no contact? Was there a specific reason for that?

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My bad ! You guys have been married for 20 years! I misread it.

 

Anyway , no contact is not going to solve anything. If at all, make the bridge harder to cross. You should be spending as much time as possible together, not apart.

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Have you answered all of your BW's questions about the affair?

 

I have answered every question as much as I could yes. There are some things she asked that I don't know the answer to. But yes I have been truthful and tried to give her as much detail as she wants to know.

 

Have you trickle truthed her, omitted facts, minimized when answering BW's questions?

 

I don't believe I have trickle truthed her. Early on I read that its important to not try to reduce pain by only giving half truths. So I have tried hard to tell her everything. I think she already knows more than I remember. I have tried to forget this other woman and details from the infidelity.

 

Are you transparent?

 

Absolutely. As much as I can be since we are now separated. Before I moved out she would often look though my phone. I have no pass word on it. She would look at my online history. She would listen to voice mails. I encouraged her to do so and she would often say it doesn't matter as I hid it from her for so long I could still be hiding it. I understand why she says this and it is true. Now that I am on my own living in an apartment I could be doing anything I wanted. But I confessed to her. If I wanted that I wouldn't have confessed. I hope she tries to check on me. I want her to see I am being honest. Unfortunately she can't see that I am transparent right now since we are separated.

 

Meaning BW knows all the ways you contacted your AP's to conduct your affairs?

 

Yes I told her how. I gave her the pass word and log in. Before I confessed I deleted the secret email I had. I tried to then delete the messaging ap account but it was tied to the email so I can't actually delete it now. But I never use it and my wife has the ability to check it if she wants to.

 

Does BW know all your passwords?

 

Yes.

 

Is you phone unlocked and BW have access 24/7/365?

Yes she does. Although since we aren't together she doesn't have access to it. But if/when she wants it yes. Ive offered to let her keep my phone for periods of time but she says Ill just notify who Im talking to not to contact me. Again Im not doing this but I understand why she would say that.

 

Have all OW's number, and emails been blocked?

 

Yes - well. Ive told them all (before my confession) that I was done and could never again talk to them. Ive deleted the email/IM account I used and even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to find them again.

 

Have you closed all of your social accounts such as FB?

Well I still have FB but I never used that to talk to anyone. I have no problem closing it but I do communicate with family that way. If she asked me to delete my FB account I would.

 

Does your phone have GPS on so BW can track you when she wants?

 

I don't know.. Thats a good idea. Its an apple Iphone 6. I assume it would have it if phones have that? I will find out and offer that to her.

 

Is any answers are no then you have to correct them. For not to do so you will never have a chance to rebuild the trust that you broke with your BW.

 

I agree. And I want nothing more... nothing to reconcile. I will do anything.

 

What have you done to reconnect the emotional relationship with your BW?

 

I have tried to talk to her and give her anything she wants. Sometimes she wanted an ear to listen. Sometimes she wanted to cry on my shoulder. Sometimes she wanted to call me terrible things. Ive given her freedom to do that whenever she needs. I have told her many times how sorry I am and how much I regret what I did. I have done what she has asked to help her heal (move out of our home). I have tried to do nice things for her. Make appointments for her to get a massage. made meals for her. Got up at 5AM to make her breakfast before she left for work. Etc..

 

Dates every week?

 

I only wish I could. I would welcome that. Right now we are separated and have a non contact rule in placed.

 

Do you spend 20 us alone quality time with your BW every week?

 

Again, I wish I could. I would spend as much as she would allow.

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Are the both of you still living at home?

 

 

This is a must.

 

No. Unfortunately My wife said she needed space.. Asked me for a separation. So I had to move out. I want to be in my home but out of respect for my wife's needs I moved out at her request.

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Regretful one
I am a BS. I understand oh because my husband had a similar horrible childhood full of abandonment and sexual abuse and alcoholism. He feels/felt many of the same ways you do about yourself.

 

He also sought out affairs. They made him feel good, didn't know his past, it was an escapism. Real life is difficult sometimes.

 

He's in counseling too. Stay there. You owe it to yourself and your family to be healthy for you and for them.

 

Im sorry you have had to deal with this and Im sorry your husband went through similar things as I did. I wish I would have sought counseling before it went this far. I have no plans on stopping counseling even if my wife decides on divorce.

 

Also check out affair recovery . Com. And the affair recovery videos on you tube.

 

They helped us a lot. You may do better with a religious counselor since they will be more guided to keep you together

 

 

I have watched TONS of youtube videos and they are so helpful. I really like watching and hearing other peoples testimonies. It is good to know I am not alone with this problem. I don't know if my wife is also looking at things like that. I hope she is but I don't know if I should be emailing her things especially right now since we are having a no contact situation.

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NO he isn't at home any more.

Seems to me her processing went from no divorce and let's keep it a secret and carry on, to telling everyone and "I think I don't want this man in my life any longer..."

 

Why did you counsellor feel you should go no contact? Was there a specific reason for that?

 

I agree.. I feel like we should be working on things together as much as possible. Right now I feel "out of sight out of mind".

 

My counselor told me during our session that my wife needs a chance to feel like she misses me. But at a time like this I'm not sure how attractive I am. I just hurt her and now Im gone. At our couples session yesterday my counselor said she usually doesn't recommend a "no-sex" rule but in our case she does since my wife doesn't want sex that involves any emotional connection right now. Counselor then said usually she doesn't recommend no talking but since my wife says she can't believe anything I say counselor said I should just journal and write out my thoughts and send the to my wife once a week. My wife can read the if she wants. Stop texting and just do that. Counselor says it will speed up the process of my wife knowing what she wants as my wife doesn't know what she wants right now.

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I agree.. I feel like we should be working on things together as much as possible. Right now I feel "out of sight out of mind".

 

My counselor told me during our session that my wife needs a chance to feel like she misses me. But at a time like this I'm not sure how attractive I am. I just hurt her and now Im gone. At our couples session yesterday my counselor said she usually doesn't recommend a "no-sex" rule but in our case she does since my wife doesn't want sex that involves any emotional connection right now. Counselor then said usually she doesn't recommend no talking but since my wife says she can't believe anything I say counselor said I should just journal and write out my thoughts and send the to my wife once a week. My wife can read the if she wants. Stop texting and just do that. Counselor says it will speed up the process of my wife knowing what she wants as my wife doesn't know what she wants right now.

 

Dude, get a new counselor. Your thinking is right. This is NOT the time to disappear and make yourself attractive ? Really ? Your counselor needs counseling herself.

 

By disappearing, you seem like a coward, escaping the wrath of his own doing.

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