it's hard to let go.

[fayr]

I am married and with kids. And leaving them is never an option.

 

But here comes an old flame who suddenly rocks the boat.

 

I know this is bad but I can't help it. Feels like I am addicted to him. The attraction is too strong that I can't keep myself away from him.

 

When we decided to open our communication, we both have a clear intention of what we want to happen but we also know that it cannot be.

 

At first, we or at least I did, thought that it's within control. But the more we talk, we text, the more it becomes harder to end it and let go.

 

I was and still am inlove I think. But I know it wasn't meant to be.

 

I am confused.

[lemondrop21]

The A will implode or burn itself out eventually, after it's taken away your dignity, confidence and sanity. Part of the reason emotional affairs are so terrible for the APs is that the feelings get so out of control and can be SO misaligned with what you thought your morals were. I never would have believed it before I found myself in one.

 

Good luck, you are in so deep and consequently will suffer through a whole lot of pain .

[norudder]

Stop. just stop yourself right now. theres nothing to be confused about in regards to "old flames " and you know it. i think youre here so we can remind you that you know it. going down that road is a serious and immature lack of thought . i don't need to know you to know that's not who you are. make the decision about who you want to be every single day and before every single communication interaction.

[Bryanp]

Just imagine....

 

1. You become a divorced single woman with children.

 

2. Your husband was doing to you behind your back exactly

what you are doing to him.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You broke up for a reason. What was it?

[Satu]

Get your hand out of that fire, if you want anything you value to survive.

[road]

Another example of why ex's need to be ex's. You must block OM and go NC with him now!

 

 

No more one last time, no baloney, gag me, make my ears bleed from hearing that you need closure and must break it off with one more communication.

 

 

That is just like a drunk saying another bottle before I quit drinking.

 

 

Then take the energy you have been putting into the OM back into your marriage and family.

[usernameisvalid]

I am married and with kids. And leaving them is never an option.

 

But here comes an old flame who suddenly rocks the boat.

 

I know this is bad but I can't help it. Feels like I am addicted to him. The attraction is too strong that I can't keep myself away from him.

 

When we decided to open our communication, we both have a clear intention of what we want to happen but we also know that it cannot be.

 

At first, we or at least I did, thought that it's within control. But the more we talk, we text, the more it becomes harder to end it and let go.

 

I was and still am inlove I think. But I know it wasn't meant to be.

 

I am confused.

 

This is a copout. You may not be able to help the way you feel, but you absolutely can control what you do.

[BuddyX]

"People ask me if I still talk to my Ex? And my response is 'why water a dead flower'"

[Arieswoman]

"People ask me if I still talk to my Ex? And my response is 'why water a dead flower'"

 

 

^^^^ that's about the bottom line OP -

[harrybrown]

Help yourself out.

 

Tell your H and your family all about your feelings.

 

Then choose, but do this before you do any more with this wonderful OM that will destroy your family.

[aileD]

I am married and with kids. And leaving them is never an option.

 

 

This is the only thing that matters. Leaving your kids is not an option. Therefore the relationship can go nowhere. Cut your losses now.

 

Or you can continue on, have your husband find out and then not have the option of whether or not you lose your kids and family.

 

Listen. Save yourself a ton of heartbreak. READ READ READ everything here. Your situation is not unique. Not at ALL. Not even close to being unique and special. Read up on Limerence, relationship stages, infatuation stages, the affair fog, rewriting history, etc. DO YOUR RESEARCH..this is YOUR LIFE.

 

Learn from people here what happens NEXT.

 

Any heartbreak you will go through now letting this affair go, will be 10000x less than the heartbreak you will have if you let it continue longer and go deeper and deeper into the mess that is infidelity. Your husband will hurt, your kids will hurt, you will hurt more than you know. More than you are now. And if you decide to leave your family for your AP, that relationship will forever be tarnished. As will your reputation with your children.

 

If you are truly unhappy in your marriage and not just BORED as we all get sometimes when we have kids and daily life happens, then you may want to pursue divorce. But you should do that on your own, with no one else involved.

 

If leaving your family is truly NOT an option for you, then the only option for happiness is to talk to your husband about the state of your marriage, grab hold of it by the ears and WORK ON IT. Don't give up, Fight for it. Fight for your family and your kids if they are so important to you.

 

You said it, not me. Leaving is not an option. You can be devastated a little bit now, or a whole hell of a lot more down the road when this thing gets out of control.

 

This is real life, not fantasy. Get your head out of the clouds and look in your kids eyes and do what's best for them, you and the family.

[standtall]

You swore and oath and signed a contract in front of God, family, and friends....honor it.

[aileD]

Here's a warning to you. MY H had an affair. My kids found out about it.

 

He's home, he's committed to fixing the marriage, we are working on things. We are better than ever.

 

That doesn't matter to the kids. My daughter ignores him, doesn't show any emotion towards him and doesn't want him in her life at all. My son isn't that bad, but he's not trusting of his father either..and afraid he's going to walk out again. Daughter can't forgive him for hurting me.

 

It's going to be a long road to even start to heal those relationships.

 

Do you want that for YOU? for your kids to hate you? For them to feel betrayed by you? P!ssed that you hurt their daddy?

 

I don't care if theyr'e 2, 12, or 22...they WILL find out and their feelings towards you will be changed forever.

 

If my H cut off this crap with his AP a couple months in instead OF A YEAR AND A HALF in, then the damage would be MUCH MUCH less and maybe our kids wouldn't have even found out and our lives would be totally different right now.

 

Learn from me, from people here. You can't trust your "feelings" in an affair. You need to trust your brain, the voice of reason, and learn from others who have been in the same situation.

 

I wish you luck.

 

And no one is saying you have to stay in a miserable marriage. But don't you owe it to your family to at least try to work it out? And give an honest effort, and if it doesn't work and you separate freely without anyone else involved...where you and H can respect eachother still.....isn't that better than the *****storm that will come if you do it this way?

[Satu]

*snip

 

I know this is bad but I can't help it.

 

Human beings are fully capable of overriding their feelings, when those feelings might compromise survival.

 

Anyone can do it, if they have to.

 

First responders and soldiers do it every day.

 

So enough with the, "I can't help it."

 

 

Take care.

[aileD]

This is a copout. You may not be able to help the way you feel, but you absolutely can control what you do.

 

 

Quoted for truth.

[Bufo]

An ex is usually an ex for a reason or 100 reasons. Why is this object of your affection who is an ex an ex?

 

Some English writer wrote a book "You Can't Go Home Again". I avoided reading iit so I cannot offer any critique. But I sure like the title. Might that title apply to your situation?

 

If you two hook up, you won't be magically returned to age 17. An affair with an ex (EA or PA) isn't some sort of time machine. You will still be you with the obligations of parenthood and marriage the day after. Except when your BH or kids find out. And based on reading here, the likelihood is that you prospective A will someday be uncovered (if that A happens).

 

If you want out of your marriage, say so. And act on your wishes. OM will still be around and as available as he is now.

 

Is he married? Think also about his W and kids if any? Is your fleeting fantasy being realized in an hour, day or weekend of illicit sex worth what you'd be doing to them? How would you feel if H did that to you? Feel,good hearing his explanation that it was unavoidable magic?

 

Your time,would be better spent finding out WHY you are drawn to an A.

[ShatteredLady]

What was your marriage like BEFORE the boat got rocked? Do you love your H? Do you respect him? Were you in love when you married, when you had your babies??

 

You ARE having an affair! It's called an EA (emotional affair) & if your H was to read all of your correspondence he would be absolutely shattered. BS (betrayed spouses) aren't dumb! Your H probably already feels that something is very wrong, he's searching for reasons...he just doesn't look for the obvious because HE TRUSTS YOU!!

 

Read around this forum. You are on the brink of FOREVER changing your marriage & your H. It's not just his trust you will loose, it's his heart, his faith, his love. He will loose part of himself that he never knew was so precious....All because you've got itchy knickers for some old flame

[Satu]

I think Elvis has left the building.

[Lion Heart]

Here's a warning to you. MY H had an affair. My kids found out about it.

 

He's home, he's committed to fixing the marriage, we are working on things. We are better than ever.

 

That doesn't matter to the kids. My daughter ignores him, doesn't show any emotion towards him and doesn't want him in her life at all. My son isn't that bad, but he's not trusting of his father either..and afraid he's going to walk out again. Daughter can't forgive him for hurting me.

 

It's going to be a long road to even start to heal those relationships.

 

Do you want that for YOU? for your kids to hate you? For them to feel betrayed by you? P!ssed that you hurt their daddy?

 

I don't care if theyr'e 2, 12, or 22...they WILL find out and their feelings towards you will be changed forever.

 

If my H cut off this crap with his AP a couple months in instead OF A YEAR AND A HALF in, then the damage would be MUCH MUCH less and maybe our kids wouldn't have even found out and our lives would be totally different right now.

 

Learn from me, from people here. You can't trust your "feelings" in an affair. You need to trust your brain, the voice of reason, and learn from others who have been in the same situation.

 

I wish you luck.

 

And no one is saying you have to stay in a miserable marriage. But don't you owe it to your family to at least try to work it out? And give an honest effort, and if it doesn't work and you separate freely without anyone else involved...where you and H can respect eachother still.....isn't that better than the *****storm that will come if you do it this way?

 

 

THIS above and far worse happened to the WH from here.

 

You HAVE to be prepared for the WORST to happen because you could easily LOSE.

 

LOSE your kids (yep definitely).

LOSE your whole home.

 

 

Break your H heart and have him despise you.

Have your children disgusted in you.

Have your children push you away from them when you try to watch their ball game.

Have them NOT invite you to their birthday parties.

Be EMBARRASSED that you even KNOW their friends let alone HUMILIATE your children by speaking with other parents. Teachers etc.

 

My children say "Don't ever trust dad, you know he can never be trusted again".

 

Now they USE him. They're angry! He's going to pay for his infidelities for the REST of his life. He's not invited to any special events. His D wants me to give her away on her Wedding day. "Dad can put some money towards it but HE'S NOT INVITED to come".

 

You cannot underestimate the utter disdain he has fuelled for his bit of fun on the side.

 

Well the fun sure is over for him lol.

 

Living in a 1 bedroom flat in someone else's back yard.

He often said "Ive got NOTHING NOW!" to me.

 

Yep. And that's ALL on HIM.

 

Good luck.

 

It's simply not worth your trouble.

 

Lion Heart

[Satu]

snip

 

Well the fun sure is over for him lol.

 

Living in a 1 bedroom flat in someone else's back yard.

He often said "Ive got NOTHING NOW!" to me.

 

Yep. And that's ALL on HIM.

 

Good luck.

 

It's simply not worth your trouble.

 

Lion Heart

 

Sounds like he didn't read the memo about actions having consequences.

 

Karma isn't a bitch.

 

She's just very thorough

[Mr. Lucky]

I am married and with kids. And leaving them is never an option.

 

...and so I've decided to do the one thing guaranteed to have the greatest chance to blow up their world...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jenkins95]

Not sure if fayr is still reading her thread, but what fantastic replies guys. Some of these should be pinned. I've read the two long replies from aileD about 6 times.

 

It's here in black and white OP - almost everyone here speaks from bitter, painful, horrible, heartbreaking experience..... And they are all saying the same thing. From my experience (xMM in an affair), I would like to add that I also agree wholeheartedly.

 

You haven't posted since the OP, perhaps you are shocked at the severity of the responses? Use that shock - you were on the path to destroying everything your family holds dear. Stop. Now. Immediately. Work like crazy on your marriage and strict NC with the OM..... And you have a very good chance of rescuing everything from the edge of a precipice.

 

Please come back. We are here for you. Remember that we write from experience....... Use and learn from that wealth of experience.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep on posting.

Edited September 28, 2016 by jenkins95