Is my marriage over?

[Helivesforme]

To make a long story short. Been with my husband for 11 years. Married for 4. Have 1 toddler together. Our marriage is extremely rare since we have only been I intimate with each other. No infidelity on both ends, until recently. I started a new job. Started working around men, and my husband started accusing me of cheating about 2 years ago, never cheated on him, even though I was hit on quite a bit. Never thought about looking at another male. Never wanted another man. I decided to pass on a promotion about 1 year ago because my husband did not want me to work longer hours and crazy shifts. I needed his support with the promotion because I didn't have any family or anyone I trusted to help out with our baby. I built resentment from passing up this promotion along with my husband accusing me of cheating. I have been nothing but loyal and faithful... For the past 11 years like a good woman should be. I supported him through everything, pushed and motivated him. And when he could not support me and made me feel less than I hurt inside and felt unappreciated. I checked out mentally.. I started not caring about him and his feelings because he didn't care about mine.. It went downhill for 9 months, then I started venting to co workers, male co workers.. Started texting one in particular. Shared my feelings, personal needs. The thing is I was not looking for a relationship, and know the guy was just wanted to mess around. I never went out or had any physical contact with him. I talked to him because I felt numb, and needed an outlet and distraction from reality. It got worse when I started working graveyard. I felt lonely and on another planet.I thought about physically being with other men, just to feel

Alive again. I told my husband I did not want to be with him, that I was miserable and that I felt dead inside. My husband said he was sorry and told me to go for the promotion but it is a lengthy process and not as easy and he is making it seem. I started sleeping in the other bedroom, was on my phone constantly and really stopped caring. I felt disgusted with myself but continued to talk to this guy. My husband looked through my phone and found some messages. Says I cheated on him emotionally. We are going through marriage counseling now. I stopped talking to that guy and no longer communicate with any male co workers. I'm wondering can I check back in? I feel terrible for hurting my husband and he wants us to stay together but he has been crazy paranoid , asking me questions, doesn't want me on my phone, and I feel like he has always tried to isolate me. I don't know if we have grown apart or if I can't forgive him from holding me back. It is not in my character to cheat, and I have held myself accountable for what I have done, but I wonder if I did this subconsciously to get out..I feel like my husband will never recover and that he will never support my future career goals.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Helivesforme
Correction

[Lois_Griffin]

Aren't you tired of living you life to placate your paranoid husband? Of course he didn't support your promotion - that would have meant that HE would have had to step up and contribute more at home and God forbid he do that. That's what you're there for, so no promotion for you. Besides, he can't control you as much if you're not home as much, right? That would never do.

 

I'm not saying what you did with the male coworker was right - not at all.

 

But if you think this guy was controlling BEFORE and was trying to isolate you BEFORE, just wait and see how much worse it's going to get.

[Helivesforme]

He says I need to regain his trust and in doing so stop talking to all male co workers outside of work and not using snapchat anymore. I never had any type of social media accounts until we started having problems. Never used snap chat to cheat. He is showing signs of support because I basically forced him to help out at home by not doing very much. Now he can take care of our child on his own without me telling him what to do every second. I am a bit tired of living my life to please him. However I understand marriage is about compromise, and being selfless. He just started getting real upset when I started to take care of myself again. Like putting makeup on, working out.Should I stay for our child? He is not a bad person but I feel he is pretty codependent. He says that I am his air, says he loves me like the notebook, will always be by my side. Constantly wants reassurance, asks me not to give up on us. Asks me if I want forever.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Helivesforme
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[stillafool]

Were there no women co-workers you could have talked to about your problems instead of going to a man? I think at this point your career seems more important to you than your marriage. You don't mention anything about loving your husband. I would suggest divorce.

[Helivesforme]

Just a couple female co workers, but one was divorced, single and sleeps Around and the other a single mom of 3 that had a bf. Felt like they couldn't understand me. Plus the male co worker I talked to had some similar issues at home himself so I felt he understood. I do love him, I just haven't fully forgiven him for trying to keep me from pursuing my dreams. I feel like I need to choose between my career and my husband because of his lack of support. I'm scared of starting over at 29 and don't want to be the reason why my child doesn't have both parents under one roof. I do feel the need to be free but dont want to regret leaving.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Helivesforme

[elaine567]

..I feel like my husband will never recover and that he will never support my future career goals.

 

So what are you going to do?

I suggest you make up your mind fast, as you definitely do NOT want to bring any more kids into the equation to complicate things.

If you do not see that his goals for the marriage chime with yours then hard decisions may need to be made by you.

YOU cannot life a full life if you are made to feel bad for putting on make-up, working out and living life as you want to live it.

He may want you to be his real live "notebook" always by his side, but you have to WANT to be that, if not, you are going to be totally miserable.

[Helivesforme]

A part of me wants to give him a 2nd chance and go for the promotion again, but a part of me doesn't trust he will support me long term. A part of me wanta to set him free because he is so sure about what he wants and I'm not.

[Friskyone4u]

There has to be some sort of MUTUAL compromise here and it seems communication is lacking to a great degree, or healthy communication. You might want to consider MC.

 

But one thing I do think you need to face. You for sure were engaged in an EA with another man, and your husbands behavior before, while maybe not good, is NOT an excuse. It appears you are now expecting him to just let it go because you are stayinmg with him. Sorry, it does not work like that.

 

That is called rugsweeping.

 

Now he has to be "all in" and support your career and understand he cannot isolate you from other men. But YOU have to make him feel safe because unless I missed something as bad as your relationship was or is, he did not do what you did.

 

To an extent you are looking for no consequences. If you do go to therapy, I suggest you do not avoid talking about what you did and blame your husband. That will backfire.

 

Hope you work it out

[Helivesforme]

I'm definietly not sweeping anything under the rug. We have been going to marriage counseling. I take full responsibility for my actions, it's just that I'm trying to understand why I did what I did so I address it and learn from it and won't repeat it. I think I get irritated and overwhelmed because he will literally talk to me when I am sitting on the toilet and doesn't give me room to breathe. I understand he feels betrayed as do I but I think he is going to the extreme. He never cheated on me.

[SexyPenguin]

You need to realise you married this man. He loves you. His only crime was not wanting his wife working crazy hours when you had a new baby. Maybe he didnt realise how much it meant to you... and I doubt he realised that by wishing to have you focus on the marriage and family side ahead of career his wife would blame him totally and get bitter and angry and push him away and break his trust.

 

You have hurt him terribly. Its not about you giving him a chance. You are lucky HE is giving YOU another chance. He must really love you so you need to decide if you are willing to try focus on your marriage or if you want to put your career ahead of your family.

[elaine567]

He never cheated on me.

 

You do not know that for certain, unfortunately. Many men who get excessively paranoid over their wives, and who falsely accuse them of cheating, are actually cheating themselves.

2 years ago he started accusing you of cheating, not 11 years ago, 2 years ago... Yes, it may have been your new job but not necessarily so.

 

1. The Blame Game

 

Psychological projection is a really strange human behavior in which a person ascribes flaws to others that they deny possessing. As a result of this twisted reverse psychology, projection also happens to be a great indicator of cheating in a relationship.

 

For example, if your significant other is all of the sudden accusing you of sneaking around or being untrustworthy, it is probably because they are being deceitful themselves and are paranoid that you will do the same. Make sense?

 

[Helivesforme]

I am lucky to have my husband, I just feel like I'm not deserving of his love because of what I did. I feel like he betrayed me too, I know for sure he hasn't cheated. I was being distant and wasn't really being intimate with him so he thought I was getting it elsewhere.

[Clay]

I am lucky to have my husband, I just feel like I'm not deserving of his love because of what I did. I feel like he betrayed me too, I know for sure he hasn't cheated. I was being distant and wasn't really being intimate with him so he thought I was getting it elsewhere.

 

All your doing here is making excuses to make yourself feel better.

 

Your husband is only guilty of being a insecure husband and not working on his issues. You could have left him before you cheated. You decided to do the one thing you knew would hurt him the most. That is on you.

 

When you invest your emotions and time in other people then the ones you love get hurt the most.

 

If you really want to save this marriage then you need to reinvest yourself 100%.

This means your probably going to have to quit that job. there is no way you can reconcile with you working with your Affair Partner.

 

No contact with the Affair Partner has to be established and all user names and passwords should be shared with your husband. If you want to prove your honest and open then you do just that by being completely transparent.

 

You need to move back in the same bed as your husband and show him your there for him physically as well as emotionally.

 

He needs counseling. He has to work on his insecurity. Hes going to need help going through this as well.

 

You need to get into counseling to find out why you would do this to him.

 

This is not going to go away in a month or a 6 months. It will take years to heal from this.

 

If your not interested in fixing this then end it quickly. Don't draw this out and make him suffer.

 

You were right in one statement. He is faithful to you. Why not prove to him you can be that way once again as well.

 

C

[grassisorisntgreener]

Your husband isn't supportive of your career goals.

 

He is manipulative and has accused you of cheating.

 

I would cut your loses right now and focus on your career. You deserve to be treated better than this.

 

Also stop talking to co-workers about your home life.

[oldshirt]

People often think of the impact cheating has on the BS, but the reality is cheating has a big impact on the WS as well.

 

When the WS start getting ego strokes and feel-good hormones and fun and excitement from their AP, their mind starts playing tricks on them.

 

A strange but almost universal thing out of the Cheaters Playbook is called "rewriting history" where the WS begins to think the the BS was never right for them and that the BS was never supportive of them and never truly loved them and was never good in bed and was always critical of them blah blah blah.

 

When someone gets filled with all those horny and feel-good hormones from the AP, it makes the WS doubtful and resentful of just about everything about the BS.

 

It's also very common for the WS to become very disrespectful and hypercritical of the BS. The BS can often do no right in the eyes of the WS.

 

Now I am not saying the your H was perfect or was a saint amongst men. But what I am suggesting is that much of your criticisms of him and part of your doubts of him as being a good husband and father and partner, are part of the process of your involvement with the OM.

[oldshirt]

..... To put it simply - when you have someone shiny and new rubbing up against you and telling you how great you are and whispering in your ear that your old parter doesn't appreciate you like they do and that they'd never treat you bad and that they will always love and support all your wishes -

 

- the old partner will always pale by comparison.

 

But the catch is, you're so clouded by the fun and excitement of a shiny and new body rubbing up against you that you don't see their warts and don't see their shortcomings and failings.

 

And you don't see that your current partner isn't that bad.

 

This is all part of the cheating process and why its so toxic.

[BettyDraper]

Your husband isn't supportive of your career goals.

 

He is manipulative and has accused you of cheating.

 

I would cut your loses right now and focus on your career. You deserve to be treated better than this.

 

Also stop talking to co-workers about your home life.

 

If you read the posts, you would see that the OP has admitted to an EA.

 

They are both wrong. Her husband should have been more supportive of her career goals and accepted that he did not marry a homemaker.

 

The OP should not have sought comfort from someone else.

[Miss Peach]

I could have written the first half of your post. My XH felt really uncomfortable about my move into a male-dominated field but I did it initially for the money to support him. My XH was constantly jealous - even of my gay male friends and female friends. I also had to turn down a project that would have led to a huge promotion and felt some resentment about that.

 

For me, if the problems were really around the time you stopped caring I would try to work it out. If you husband had been paranoid, jealous, and unsupportive your entire relationship like my XH was, then I would consider moving on.

 

FWIW, I had a kid too and the idea of splitting up with a kid was really difficult initially, It became my new normal so it won't feel like that forever. I think in the end it was good for the kid to grow up in two loving households rather than one where the parent constantly bicker and model dysfunction.

[Helivesforme]

I transferred out to another job site for a different job position, so did the guy I was talking to. Only contact we would have is by phone. I have cut all contact with the other guy "friend"

[road]

I transferred out to another job site for a different job position, so did the guy I was talking to. Only contact we would have is by phone. I have cut all contact with the other guy "friend"

 

Good start but not enough you need to block the OM from all means on breaking NC with you.

 

 

You can never regain the feelings for your BH while you still have any form of contact with your OM.

 

 

Being your BH is doing MC and now has stepped up to do more work and supports you getting a promotion is to me enough of a sign to keep working on your marriage.

 

 

Affairs are addictive so as with all addictions it will take time for you to detox from the OM. Losing all feelings for that loser.

 

 

Did I say loser? Yes real men do not cheat and lie.

[harrybrown]

so how would you feel if your H had an A?

 

I do not see a ton of remorse for the kick to your H's self esteem.

 

In fact you proved him right, that you could and did cheat on him.

 

He knows you well.

 

so if he had his A, how would you feel? think hard about that, to really get the feeling of how bad you hurt him.

 

You have resentment and feelings for the OM. Have you told your H everything about your A? Have you written a timeline and diary of your A for your husband?

 

You do not really respect your H, if you have an A and treat him this way.

 

Have you outed your OM to his wife to help close the door on your love for the OM? You have feelings for the OM, and have very little respect for your H.

 

If you do not have real remorse that you show by actions, tell him and file for D.

 

If you really want to help heal your H, try affair recovery online. you can find them and maybe they can help.

 

 

Have you read the book not just friends? and have you read how to help your H heal from your A?

 

Show him by your actions and study if you want to cut down the time to help him heal to a few years rather than his lifetime.

 

Good luck to your family. Hope you wake up and realize that you have revised the truth about your marriage and your H to help justify your A.

 

Your H is a much better man than your OM.

 

How helpful would your OM really be if you wanted him to help with your child and would not sleep in the same room with him?

[standtall]

Aren't you tired of living you life to placate your paranoid husband? Of course he didn't support your promotion - that would have meant that HE would have had to step up and contribute more at home and God forbid he do that. That's what you're there for, so no promotion for you. Besides, he can't control you as much if you're not home as much, right? That would never do.

 

I'm not saying what you did with the male coworker was right - not at all.

 

But if you think this guy was controlling BEFORE and was trying to isolate you BEFORE, just wait and see how much worse it's going to get.

 

Nothing like blaming the victim eh?? 10 lines about what a bad guy he is, and 1 line about her cheating. I think the man hate oozing is confusing you about who the bad guy is..

 

OP, your husband needs some IC, and you both need MC. You have not crossed the line for most men...yet, so you guys most likely will work out. Most men get really uptight about the PA part, and the EA is a wake up call for him to step up his game.

[Helivesforme]

Thank you all for your feedback. We are both getting ic and mc. Once a week. I'm trying my best to be patient even though I somewhat expect him to believe me because I'm never on my phone anymore. I actually asked him for a separation on 2 occasions but we couldn't because of childcare issues and he just saw it as a way for me to go on a screwing spree which was never my intention. I also told him I wanted a divorce on several occasions too but he asked me not to give up on us and our family.

[Clay]

Honestly you shouldn't be asking for a divorce. You should just do it. It doesn't sound one bit like your really all that remorseful and as horrible as I am sure he was to you he didn't deserve what you did in return.

 

Get a lawyer and file. Hopefully he can then get help and find someone who will be faithful.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Do you want to save your marriage because it is the "right" thing to do or because you genuinely love your husband? The problem with pleasing everyone is you end up broken in the end. Recovery starts with honesty. Your husband is who is. Can you accept that?

 

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So why do expect that your feelings will magically reappear? I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you didn't want this relationship before the affair, why would you want it now? What do you want?