3 Years post DDay update

[Raena]

Some of you may remember my story, some probably not. Long story short… 3 years ago my son’s father texted me on a Friday afternoon on my way home from work and admitted that he had in fact been cheating on me with the cleaning lady at his job for the past year and a half. For 6 months prior to that he had gas lighted and trickle truthed me about their affair. I knew she existed but he denied, denied, denied and made up every story imaginable to keep his affair a secret. He drove me absolutely nuts over it all because I couldn’t tell what was the truth and what was a lie. I now assume it was all a lie. The entire 11 years I was with him was a lie. It didn’t help that after we split, the psycho OW he was screwing around with made it her mission to berate, belittle and otherwise demean me in every way imaginable. She was horrific and still is.

 

Our son is now 9 going on 10 and he’s a mess because of how his father has behaved since the split. He has basically abandoned his child. They haven’t seen each other face to face in over 2 years now. The first year he didn’t spend much time with him either. Most recently, the ex told us he was coming to visit at the end of the summer so he could spend time with him. He lied. He turned his phone off and hasn’t responded to any texts or calls to him since. That was a month ago. My son is an angry mess because of all of this. He’s seeing a therapist and gets support in a weekly group at school for kids in the same situation. I’ve tried to keep him busy playing sports and doing activities to keep his mind off of things. I realize that this is going to stick with him for the rest of his life. No kid should feel the need to question whether or not they are a good person because their father, who was a hero in their eyes, just up and disappeared. He has become a mildly difficult child to manage. He back talks, argues, struggles getting along with others and talks incessantly which bothers others. He’s a good kid but he’s all over the place with his behaviors. Maintaining him and teaching him coping skills is my main focus. It’s a struggle.

 

For myself, I feel like I’ve been to the pits of hell and I’m only partially back. It’s been an awful journey. I’ve tried so hard to maintain a positive attitude and keep busy but it’s incredibly difficult. I only briefly tried dating and it didn’t work out. Both men just ran away as fast as they could early on in getting to know each other. I’m going to guess it’s because I was a hot mess. On the surface, it appears I have my **** together, but you don’t have to scratch far under the surface to realize that I’m in seething agony. I did all the right things, I kept busy, I analyzed my part in all of this, I’ve dug in deep to figure out how I could have stayed so long in such an abusive, codependent relationship with a man who treated me so poorly, I maintain my distance from the ex as much as possible but there are times that he sucks me back into his drama. He’s good at it. Never met a man that is as manipulative as he is and he’s an expert at it. I’ve read, researched, watched videos on abusive relationships, what it’s like to be involved with a narcissistic sociopath (no my ex isn’t diagnosed as such, it’s the conclusion I came to after much research). I’ve talked to other people in similar situations too. Mostly I’ve tried to heal and let it go. There are days now, even whole weeks that go by without me thinking about him or this situation at all. It used to be that I couldn’t get away from the memories. Everywhere I went, every song I listened to, the house we lived in together that is now just mine, everything reminded me of him. It’s not so bad now in that regard as I’ve since reorganized my house and made new memories at the places we used to go to. I still find myself crying for no reason whatsoever when I’m alone though. I get really tired and overwhelmed and the tears just start falling. I don’t do this around anyone else, just when I’m alone.

I don’t know what to do now. I haven’t listed everything I’ve tried but I’ve done everything that I could find… everything from yoga, to writing, to exercising, making new friends, trying to keep myself healthy, keeping my child busy. I’ve tried it all.

 

Yet somehow I still feel like something is missing in my life and I could do so much better. I could be happier, I could be thinner, I could be better dressed, my house could be cleaner, my work could be more organized, I could be a better parent, I could be more positive and nice to people. I can’t just be happy with who I am and what my life is like. I feel like I’m constantly beating myself up for what’s happened. I consistently feel like I’m not good enough. No one will want to date me because of my child. There was a thread on here recently that basically said as much. No one wants to deal with a problem child… even if the mother is doing everything to change it, it’s hard to deal with someone else’s problem child. I’m obviously not ready to date but I’m so tired of being so lonely. It’s a never ending spiral. I have little confidence in myself and don’t trust anyone so I make few connections. When the few people I’ve connected with get to know me, they can’t handle my issues (child, negative attitude, etc.) so they stop talking to me and then I have even less confidence and adds to my trust issues. On and on.

I feel like I should be proud of myself for making it this far without a nervous breakdown or completely losing my cool. I managed to make it past the worst part after DDay without making too much of a fool of myself but the pain of it all just lingers on and on. I can’t talk about it with anyone because… well, it’s been 3 YEARS. I should be over it all by now right? The fallout of what he did to me and to our son just never seems to end.

 

I’m going to stop here before this gets any longer. Anyone with words of advice? What should I do now? Is it normal to still be so effected by this after 3 years?

[Darien 76]

Hi Raena,

How are you doing? I read your post and I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you and your son. The way that you and your son have been treated is truly awful and you don't need someone like that in your life. Try not to be so hard on yourself for still feeling in pain. Your son is lucky to have you and you sound like an awesome mom. There are a lot of supportive people here on loveshack going through difficult issues to chat with and put a smile on your face.

[Raena]

Thanks Darien. I appreciate the kind words.

[merrmeade]

You know - it's totally reasonable for you to post in the Infidelity section because obviously all your problems DID begin here. As before, it sounds like you totally know what's going on with everything and everyone, and it just sucks enormously.

 

When I read your posts (and I remember them from before), I just want to give you life advice, like getting support for yourself, making sure you've got some You time, staying healthy and all those other essentials to mental health survival. And then I also wonder things like - How much does this incredible stress and bitterness that you justifiably feel toward your ex- rub off on your kid? And would letting some of that go and making your own happiness important help? And could maybe talking to a professional yourself help you figure it out and develop a plan?

 

It also made me think of the importance of having a go-to person you call or talk to when it gets bad. I'm that for my professional daughter, who's under tremendous stress for all kinds of valid reasons but also driven (I think you are driven to do the very best you can by this child who's not been so easy to parent). She's really good at seeking and getting advice, assurance, sympathy when she needs it and knows where and how to get it. She knows she can always count on me and sometimes even feeds me my lines.

 

You need at least one go-to like that, someone you know you can always depend on to have your back, help you refocus, remind you of your strengths or whatever it is you need to hear when a very difficult situation shifts and drains you. And if you don't have family or friends for it, you pay somebody to do it. That's what I had to do post d-day, and there's no shame.

 

To me, it just sounds like you need a lot of things to help you let go of the past and model for your son whatever it is you're hoping and trying to help him realize in this life - besides being a great parent.

 

Good luck to you and take care of yourself - for your own sake as well as for the sake of your child. It's the same.

Edited September 25, 2016 by merrmeade

[Raena]

You know - it's totally reasonable for you to post in the Infidelity section because obviously all your problems DID begin here. As before, it sounds like you totally know what's going on with everything and everyone, and it just sucks enormously.

 

When I read your posts (and I remember them from before), I just want to give you life advice, like getting support for yourself, making sure you've got some You time, staying healthy and all those other essentials to mental health survival. And then I also wonder things like - How much does this incredible stress and bitterness that you justifiably feel toward your ex- rub off on your kid? And would letting some of that go and making your own happiness important help? And could maybe talking to a professional yourself help you figure it out and develop a plan?

 

It also made me think of the importance of having a go-to person you call or talk to when it gets bad. I'm that for my professional daughter, who's under tremendous stress for all kinds of valid reasons but also driven (I think you are driven to do the very best you can by this child who's not been so easy to parent). She's really good at seeking and getting advice, assurance, sympathy when she needs it and knows where and how to get it. She knows she can always count on me and sometimes even feeds me my lines.

 

You need at least one go-to like that, someone you know you can always depend on to have your back, help you refocus, remind you of your strengths or whatever it is you need to hear when a very difficult situation shifts and drains you. And if you don't have family or friends for it, you pay somebody to do it. That's what I had to do post d-day, and there's no shame.

 

To me, it just sounds like you need a lot of things to help you let go of the past and model for your son whatever it is you're hoping and trying to help him realize in this life - besides being a great parent.

 

Good luck to you and take care of yourself - for your own sake as well as for the sake of your child. It's the same.

 

You make some good points. I don't know how much my feelings are rubbing off on my child. I like to think that I hide it pretty well when he's around. I go out of my way to not talk poorly about his father or to even say much about it at all to him. I'm a stickler about it. When he talks about it, I hear his anger though. He isn't getting that from me because he never hears me talk like that about it all. In fact, I rarely talk about it unless he brings it up. I tell him that's it's ok to be mad but that he shouldn't let it rule his life. Be mad but then let it go and be happy. You can't control what other people choose to do. Good advice right? It's the best I can come up with because I don't want him carrying that anger around with him everywhere. I should be following it myself too. He could be picking up on my unhappiness with my own life though.

 

I do try to take care of myself. I'm doing all the right things. It just feels so overwhelming sometimes and I'm not seeing as much progress as I would like.

 

I do have a go to person. My closest friend is there for me no matter what. She doesn't always understand it all but she listens and encourages me to do the same things I tell my son to do. Be more confident, trust my gut, be my own best ally, be happy. She gives good advice. I've jokingly told her she should start charging me but ultimately I do the same for her when she's struggling with stuff. The only problem is... she lives 8 hours away so we rarely get to actually see each other. We talk daily though, pretty much all day long when we can get in a text to each other throughout the day. Not sure what I would have done without her these past few years.

 

I guess I had this vision that I'd move on, start dating, make new friends and miraculously my life would be happier again. It just doesn't work that way though. No man is going to make me whole again, I have to do that myself. Having friends and going out and doing things now and again is nice but it's not possible all the time. I think I've laid pretty good ground work for healing and moving on but I'm stuck plateauing in this space where I feel like I'm not progressing. Kind of like losing weight. I feel like I've gotten down to 10 pounds above where I want to be but no matter what I do, I can't lose another pound. I need to kickstart my metabolism so to speak and finish it off.

 

Thanks again for listening. I appreciate your concern for my son as well as for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yet somehow I still feel like something is missing in my life and I could do so much better. I could be happier, I could be thinner, I could be better dressed, my house could be cleaner, my work could be more organized, I could be a better parent, I could be more positive and nice to people. I can’t just be happy with who I am and what my life is like. I feel like I’m constantly beating myself up for what’s happened. I consistently feel like I’m not good enough.

 

Raena, I think you're so used to filtering everything through the fallout that you've lost sight of something basic - everyone, at times, feels like this. Many people struggle with everthing from parenting to weight gain to motivation, including those in good relationships. Life can be hard, we all struggle at times.

 

I wonder if it's simply become a habit for you to frame everything in the context of your failed marriage? Do you talk to a therapist? They might help you see that a different and more forward looking perspective could help you see life differently. At some point, the divorce has to stop being the primary event in your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alamo657]

Yet somehow I still feel like something is missing in my life and I could do so much better. I could be happier, I could be thinner, I could be better dressed, my house could be cleaner, my work could be more organized, I could be a better parent, I could be more positive and nice to people. I can’t just be happy with who I am and what my life is like. I feel like I’m constantly beating myself up for what’s happened. I consistently feel like I’m not good enough. No one will want to date me because of my child. There was a thread on here recently that basically said as much. No one wants to deal with a problem child… even if the mother is doing everything to change it, it’s hard to deal with someone else’s problem child. I’m obviously not ready to date but I’m so tired of being so lonely. It’s a never ending spiral. I have little confidence in myself and don’t trust anyone so I make few connections. When the few people I’ve connected with get to know me, they can’t handle my issues (child, negative attitude, etc.) so they stop talking to me and then I have even less confidence and adds to my trust issues. On and on.

I feel like I should be proud of myself for making it this far without a nervous breakdown or completely losing my cool. I managed to make it past the worst part after DDay without making too much of a fool of myself but the pain of it all just lingers on and on. I can’t talk about it with anyone because… well, it’s been 3 YEARS. I should be over it all by now right? The fallout of what he did to me and to our son just never seems to end.

 

I’m going to stop here before this gets any longer. Anyone with words of advice? What should I do now? Is it normal to still be so effected by this after 3 years?

 

I relate 100% to your situation, you have the same problem as i do : connect with people, they discover/glimpse your damaged inner self, they go away. I'm a man.

 

Even though i didn't solve that problem yet, i find that it helps to stop pretending to be the coolest person on earth so that people will come toward me : i wear my sadness on my face, but never talk about it to anyone. If people don't come to me, i know why, and i accept it.

 

I keep myself busy with various activies to become more interesting to hang around, if not more fun ("fun" is a sentiment that has completely deserted me, playful is the best i can do).

 

Lately i've reached some progress, as i am getting slowly included in one person's life. I try to keep myself light, and i bring what i do best : photography and social dancing, without expecting, harassing, contacting people like an hungry emotional black hole that i should be. Basically i put a leash on my desire for emotional support, not to overwhelm other people.

 

And i do all that without medecine, because there is only one solution to mental troubles : therapy trough making the most out of your life, with the means at your disposal.

[Arieswoman]

Raena,

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering like this through no fault of your own.

 

I don't know if this will help or not..

 

Search Results getting over a narcissist

 

I also got burned by someone who has narcissistic tendencies. I understand how these relationships can rob you of your self-worth and destroy your reality.

 

I got therapy, lots of it. Went to assertiveness workshops, and most of all had a good look at me.

I wanted to find out why I picked such a person and what was the payoff for staying in such an unhealthy relationship. I uncovered a lot of stuff that was hard to deal with, FOO issues for a start.

 

Whatever happens Raena, remember his choice to have an affair was not your fault.

 

Whatever he thought was wrong with your marriage did not give him a free pass to cheat.

 

^^^ keep repeating this until you believe it.

 

The Post Affair Life ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

^^^ this might also be useful.

 

Hang on in there - you can do this x

[Just a Guy]

Hi Raena, I am sorry to read about your situation. I wonder if you could join a club of people like you where you could share your thoughts. Do you plan short vacations out of town with your son( Assuming you have the time, finances and he is inclined to do something like this)? You could maybe volunteer at some thing in your spare time. I think you are bottling things up within you which makes you a bit bitter and resentful, not to mention develop negative feelings.

 

Guess you will have to think out of the box to get you feeling a bit light and happy again. Have you tried meditation? Are you a church going person? For some people their faith is a source of comfort and I am sure if you are a prayerful person you would feel a sense of comfort. Do you have some hobbies? If you have time you could invest some of that in developing your hobby/s into something which could generate additional income for you apart from taking your mind off your thoughts. You know there is a book written by Dr. Maxwell Maltz titled Psycho Cybernetics. It is worth it's weight in gold. It could help lift your spirits and change your personality in a very positive way. Guess there must be something that out there which could help you change your circumstances around. Whatever it is I wish you all the very best. Cheers!

[seren]

Hi Raena, I remember you from when It was all happening. My ex husband (has been for just over 30yrs now) abandoned our son, had little to do with him for years, then would pop up for a few months being father of the year then go off the radar for years on end. My son blamed me, blamed himself, he too acted up, used to feel not good enough and couldn't understand why his father didn't want him. In the early years I used to say he was busy in work, but that he was loved, as my son got older he saw through my lies and his hero worship led to hate. Now at 32 yrs old my son is indifferent. They make up their own mind all we can do is continue to praise them, let them know they are loved and, do not make the mistake I did in the belief I was p[rotecting my son, tell the truth, that his Dad is the loser for missing out on his wonderful boy's life.

 

Mine popped up 4 years ago, my son said he knows strangers better than the man who he looks so much alike. All you can do is be there as his go to place, reassure him and try to guide him through it all. As for how you feel about the rest, I am sure you know deep down that the A was all on him, he chose to have an A, you were left with the fallout. I think most of us jumble everything into one huge ball of hurt and regret and instead of it being about A,B or C it becomes the whole damned alphabet of stuff. Saying journalling sounds trite, it helped me to write down my thoughts on different stuff in different journals. How I felt about illness, cancer, loss, H's affair in different places, it helped focus on what each made me feel. The central theme was loss, either of love, self esteem, laughter, whatever. Once I had exhausted each I burned them, it sort of felt like a new beginning, though I am sure the Tequila helped too. I don't want to sound trite or dismissive, but I think you might be at the start of the end and the new beginning looks scary.

 

My H took up with me and my son, who he calls his son and we were a hot mess. But here we are. When you find the right man, he will love you for everything that is you, never settle for less. If things need changing, change them. If there is one thing cancer has taught me it is to grab life by the throat and live it until it rattles. I hope you can heal and I so hope your son finds his feet and realises he is wonderful despite everything and without his father and as for his father, for shame on him.

[BetrayedH]

Not sure I have much to add to what the others have said.

 

I do believe many of your challenges are "normal," for lack of a better term. I certainly don't live a charmed life, myself. I think life does naturally become a bit disappointing as we age. My optimism has faded. My expectations are lower and more realistic.

 

I will say that you need to credit yourself more for surviving your scenario. Like a few of the others, I also remember your story and I'm astonished at what you had to sludge through. And you made it. And that's a big deal.

 

As for your son, I remember reading somewhere that (1) Children will always blame themselves for a parental split and (2) You can never let them. I think your son probably feels much like you do - that he wasn't "good enough" to keep his father around. For your son, that self-worth issue manifests as anger. I also read that children take longer to recover when one parent is perceived to be at fault. They then feel compelled to fix the person or situation. Your son's inability to do that is frustrating and makes him angry.

 

As for relationships, I was the classic case of someone that latched onto another relationship too quickly. I didn't heal first. I wanted the external validation. Now I wish I had become healthy first. While you may long for someone right now, you may actually be on the better long term path. So you got that going for you.

 

Lastly, quit blaming yourself. Period. You're smarter than that.

[merrmeade]

Oh man, there may be a p.2 to this thread, but p.1 has become one of my all-time favorites. Every one of these responses has validated some aspect of your situation and offered hope or new perspective. It's the best of the best that infidelity survivors have to offer. And they're not that way because of infidelity, but in spite of it.

 

It just illuminates, once again, for me that I was always on the side of the life equation that I want to be and really had no choice about (thank goodness). And so are you. It's not just a palliative thought. It's the solid and final assurance that you lived the good life, have no regrets or apologies and are surrounded and lifted up by reminders of your deep, abiding values and beliefs.

Your BH won't be able to say this, though by then you won't even care.

 

I think that each of BetrayedH's points are worth long and repeated visits in your reflections. They're some of the basics that you'd spend time on in good therapy—time being the key element there so you ultimately live in the peace and fulfillment of who you are and what you've done.

 

Your son will be fine because he had you. I think if I could give you anything it would be (1) trust in yourself, your efforts and your vision and (2) the conviction that your son will know what to do with all the tools and the strong foundation you have given him. I have no doubt that he will move past all the troubling circumstances that leave him in self-doubt now as he realizes (and accepts) that he does deserve your conviction. I think handing over this conviction to him is the real blessing.

 

Not that you need to work on this—maybe just relax more and believe it's happening. You'll see it's true soon enough.

[Raena]

Raena, I think you're so used to filtering everything through the fallout that you've lost sight of something basic - everyone, at times, feels like this. Many people struggle with everthing from parenting to weight gain to motivation, including those in good relationships. Life can be hard, we all struggle at times.

 

I wonder if it's simply become a habit for you to frame everything in the context of your failed marriage? Do you talk to a therapist? They might help you see that a different and more forward looking perspective could help you see life differently. At some point, the divorce has to stop being the primary event in your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think you are right. He was such a major part of my life for so long that it's become habit to think about my life in terms of what happened rather than what is currently happening and what could happen in the future.

[Doorstopper]

3 years is a long time to be this way. You haven't mentioned if you are in therapy. I think this is a must.

 

There is some level of depression apparent from your words, and it seems that you may need more than friendly advice to put you in a better place..

Edited September 25, 2016 by Doorstopper

[Raena]

Thank you to all of you who responded with kind words and encouragement.

 

I think this is what people talk about when they talk about the long lasting effects of infidelity. It's something that stays with you for a long time and can make you question everything. It isn't just about what happens immediately after dday or exposure of an affair. It's what happens years down the road.

 

It's not hopeless, things do get better, but some scars go deep and are very difficult to overcome. All I can do is keep pressing forward and hope that as time goes by, I'll get past it.

[Raena]

3 years is a long time to be this way. You haven't mentioned if you are in therapy. I think this is a must.

 

There is some level of depression apparent from your words, and it seems that you may need more than friendly advice to put you in a better place..

 

If you talk to anyone who has ended an abusive relationship you'll realize that healing takes a lot longer than it normally would from ending a relatively healthy relationship. 11 years of the most toxic, unhealthy relationship where he made me question my every choice and blamed me for his actions and had me believing it. I've also read where people say it can take as much as half the amount of time of the relationship to heal and move on.

 

Am I depressed... yes, sometimes I am, other times I'm not. It's getting better though. There were some really dark days in the beginning. Now I talk about it on here or to my friends or family. I don't wallow in self pity ALL the time, but when I sat down to write this thread I realized that I was still feeling not so great about all of this. I don't like bottling things up, I have to get it out there and get feedback.

 

I'm not seeing a therapist no. I can't afford to. My job will give me 3 appointments for free and I used those, after that it costs way more than I can afford.

[Raena]

Not sure I have much to add to what the others have said.

 

I do believe many of your challenges are "normal," for lack of a better term. I certainly don't live a charmed life, myself. I think life does naturally become a bit disappointing as we age. My optimism has faded. My expectations are lower and more realistic.

 

I will say that you need to credit yourself more for surviving your scenario. Like a few of the others, I also remember your story and I'm astonished at what you had to sludge through. And you made it. And that's a big deal.

 

As for your son, I remember reading somewhere that (1) Children will always blame themselves for a parental split and (2) You can never let them. I think your son probably feels much like you do - that he wasn't "good enough" to keep his father around. For your son, that self-worth issue manifests as anger. I also read that children take longer to recover when one parent is perceived to be at fault. They then feel compelled to fix the person or situation. Your son's inability to do that is frustrating and makes him angry.

 

As for relationships, I was the classic case of someone that latched onto another relationship too quickly. I didn't heal first. I wanted the external validation. Now I wish I had become healthy first. While you may long for someone right now, you may actually be on the better long term path. So you got that going for you.

 

Lastly, quit blaming yourself. Period. You're smarter than that.

 

They don't call it a midlife crisis for nothing! You are onto something with that. As we age we see things in a different light and maybe disappointed that it didn't all turn out the way we expected. A lot of what I'm feeling is just normal I guess.

 

I think I am being too hard on myself. It's a fault I've always had. I constantly second guess every choice I make and over analyze things. It's hard not to. It's who I've been my entire life.

 

I remember your story too, we've both been through some pretty tough stuff. Don't be upset that you tried to move on too fast. At least you tried. I haven't really even made an attempt to. Those 2 dates I went on were a long time ago and don't really qualify as much of an attempt at it.

 

Being a single mom is hard. I think that's part of it too. I'm overwhelmed with everything I have to keep up on. I have little support in that regard, some but not much. It's a tough road having to do it all alone. For someone who is naturally more of an introvert, it's even more difficult to try and socialize so my son can have more friends/experiences.

[Lion Heart]

Hi Raena

 

I'm pleased to meet you. I didn't know your story from before. I read your whole initial post and some other things you've written.

 

My story in a nutshell; previous WH and D, 1 beautiful daughter from that M.

Current STBexVWH, sweet twin boys and another adorable daughter.

 

I really feel for you. From me to you, 3y in your situation is but a moment at times BECAUSE the sh** from this past M is still happening at times.

 

The CLOSURE for healing HAS NOT occurred.

Your son is still reeling. My friend, I truly get that. Same here x 6 children (Son-in-law and grandson added to the mix). WE HAVE ALL BEEN BETRAYED.

 

YOUR son needs VALIDATION for his anger. ALLOW HIM the TIME and the SPACE for his wanton FURY to be let loose. He is F***G FURIOUS with his father and RIGHTLY SO.

 

I let my children tell me they're angry, THEN THEY GET FURIOUS, I validate their feelings with NO STOPPER on them (it's doing that that creates a volcanic lava effect). Then I may mirror their actions by stomping my feet too. Or holding them in my arms crying. And usually through tears say GRRRRRRRRR. GRRRRRRRR.

Tell them they are NORMAL.

SOMEONE they loved HURT THEM.

 

IT IS NORMAL TO BE VERY HURT AND ANGRY WHEN YOUR PARENT HURTS YOU.

 

Be there for the COOL DOWN PERIOD.

Hug. Watch a silly show. Laugh.

Ask what you can do for him.

LISTEN and write the list

 

Be HIS go-to person (omg I KNOW this is SO FG HARD when we're dealing with our own pain. I do). You can do it. You're his loving mother.

 

A beautiful book that became MY GO-TO MANUAL after previous M break up and abandonment by DDs father was

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen Covey. Still is!!! 2O something years later.

 

I KNOW you've tried everything.

I know that.

 

Now DECISION TIME.

F*** THIS creep OUT OF YOUR life once and for all TO THE BEST of your ability.

You need CLOSURE and only YOU can do this.

 

FORCE this closure BUT prepare for any future contact from Wayward father. NEVER tell your son when dad plans on coming. 99.999999r chance he WON'T EVER FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

"It's up to you and me kiddo" your new Mantra.

WE CAN DO THIS.

We're just awesome together because we LOVE each other.

 

If you need a short time to EXPEL and PURGE EXWH from your life? Give yourself 1 month. Write EVERYTHING down and have your boy minded to do so, or at night when he's asleep. WRITE PURGE CRY!!!!! GRRRRRR.

 

I don't burn or throw my notes away. I have BOXES of them.

 

WHEN I'M HAPPY I BURN THEM. Looking like burning Witches at the stake kind of insanity lol.

 

Make THE DECISION to be DONE and forgive yourself when any thoughts or annoyances pop up.

 

DO SEE THE HUMOUR in such nutcases. Chump lady is awesome for this.

 

All in all CONGRATULATE YOURSELF for your huge progress. Better still I congratulate YOU ON YOUR SURVIVAL.

 

You are a survivor. Your son is too!

 

Tell your son the HOPEFULLY THIS IS THE WORST THING that can ever happen to him. Give him the understanding of THIS as his baseline hurt. Give him the many tools and strategies via Covey or any other ways that present themselves.

 

YOU ARE DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS to heal.

You got the f***er outta your life after all! ?

 

DECIDE to heal.

PLAN your future.

My children and I have Dream Folders. We put cuttings of all the lovely places we'd like to visit. Mine has decoration styles for different rooms. Nice JEWELLERY lol. IDK ANYTHING we want! A Degree! A Sports Achievement.

 

I used to put EVERY achievement award and little sticker my DD got in a folder. At almost 24yo she said to me that she loved that and would pour over ALL the lovely things people had said to her. My love letters to her. Letters from Santa and the Easter Bunny lol. Mmm.

 

I got a whiteboard marker and wrote inside her lunch box every day. How I loved her. That there was a surprise in her lunch box or $1 to spend at the school shop. Or ABOUT THE HOLIDAY I BOOKED. Yay!

 

She's getting HDs in her Psychology Degree. Not coping well with step fathers sh**. He LEANS on her *********. 300 other family members and he uses my D. Oh well. BOUNDARY ISSUES. lol.

 

So you THINK YOUR POST IS LONG GIRLFRIEND! Hey HELLO!

 

Start thinking of who YOU want to be.

Start talking to the Raena 5y and 10y from now.

You're sweet and deserving of every happiness.

Your son will grow up and in a minute may just leave home! That's what it feels like. Blink. They're gone.

 

USE THIS TIME to purge. Heal. Make decisions for closure. Close. Create. Manifest. HAVE. BE.

 

Hold on for the ride!

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

Lol. Ok. You were writing your last post while I was writing mine her in Oz! Helloooo from down under. :-))

 

Raena, a couple of things:

 

True. Your son needs friends and social interaction. Company and FUN his age appropriate level. (You do too! But we'll come to that).

 

I found as a single mum that TIME was a huge problem.

My solution for GIVING my child(ren) this sovial interaction was regular PLAY DATES at my house. I have and still DO do, invite children to play alot. Have sleep overs. Make tents in the Loungeroom lol. Etcetera.

 

I don't particularly like entertaining the parents lol. I may offer them a cuppa at drop off or pick up times. Kinda mild.

 

COOKING is a great bonding activity. I've probably taught 50 kids how to make scones now lol. Cup cakes. Biscuits. So cheap when done from scratch. Such IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS. They get fed.

 

I've had Happy Unbirthdays. No huge expense. 1 or 3 friends for 3h. Silly fun. Picking up one friend to take to the skate park or bike track. 30c drive thru ice cream on the way home. TIME FOR ME TO READ A BOOK.

 

WEIGHT is an interesting thing. I know now that I subconsciously KEPT weight ON to deter men. I've been sexually harrassed alot in my life. Worse. I have not WANTED that attention so my mind worked for me there.

 

I realized in the past 18 months since my heaven knows what number D Day that...it makes no difference what weight I am. Sick men are everywhere. ExVWH is ONE OF THEM.

 

REALIZING THAT I'M ALLOWED to be the REAL me. Allowing my real self to slowly grow from inside has transformed me. I'm probably 5 sizes smaller and look younger than I have in years.

 

I don't TRY to make friends. I AM A GOOD friend. Not the best lol but the people in my life LOVE WHO I AM. And ALL the good people who left my life during this horrid M I've discarded, are trickling back into my life.

 

I cry with GRATITUDE sometimes that my family and friends IRL are coming back. It was my friends here in LS that kept me afloat so I COULD have the opportunity to live. And to love again.

 

You have so much to be grateful for.

 

My beautiful boyfriend and I have a saying..."First World Problems..again" lol. Aren't we lucky we have FIRST WORLD Problems Raena? Indeed we ARE.

 

FIND the things to be grateful for and try to REMEMBER those!

 

When STBexVWH says "You should be GRATEFUL to me!!!!!"

 

Ah yeah right "I say I'm grateful for those 2 sperm that gave me 3 children but hey! The way things worked out, I could've got those down the PUB and been better off".

 

They don't nor ever WILL acknowledge our pain.

Bottom line right there.

 

We all would've been better off WITHOUT those HORRID experiences...but then again would we?

 

I've been offered a Scholarship BECAUSE I handled so many things "well". Mmmmm did I? ROFL.

 

I've been shown the sick truth of a man I trusted who is completely undeserving of my BREATH in his direction.

 

Yep a tad ANGRY still lol.

 

I reckoned with myself that the ONLY good thing to come out of this for me was my ABILITY to show my children that we don't put up with crappy people. No matter WHO they are. We love the RIGHT ways.

 

LH

[Just a Guy]

Hi Raena, you've got good advice from a lot of people especially Betrayed Husband, Merrmeade and Lion Heart. Guess you will take from them what you think is most pertinent or applicable in your case and keep the other stuff for future use if need be. You know something you said reverberated inside me. This was where you were telling BH that as you grow older you see things in a different light and are disappointed that things did not turn out as you expected. I guess most people feel this way as they grow older and at a point of time I was like that. I suppose if you have great expectations of yourself or are fixated on particular outcomes then such disappointment is but natural.

 

Maybe a light bulb lit up in my head but at some point as I was growing older I just accepted that where I was in life, was good for me. I gave up worrying that I had not achieved what I had hoped to and I stopped comparing myself with others who had more and better than me. If some one was going places instead of feeling envious I just accepted it as a fact of life. This took a great burden off my shoulders and I found I was quite happy with what was in my lot. What was probably driving your thoughts was fear of the future. I have now reached a stage where I have just let go and this has led me to be much more relaxed and I find that instead of something dire happening to me, life is generally good. I have had a minor stroke and a couple of years ago I had to have stents put in to keep my heart going. All this has not really troubled my peace of mind. Maybe I have a Guardian Angel:) something I have felt for some time but whatever it is the thing is that one has to let go and let the Almighty take care of you. Worrying about what is happening or going to happen only raises your blood pressure and gets you hypertensive. Maybe you should try it and see if it helps you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Lion Heart, you live in a lovely country and you should make the most of it. I empathize with your situation and I salute you for having gone through two divorces and come out unscathed on the other side, but I sense a bit of bitterness in you. I guess if you give up the use of expletives you will benefit greatly. I have never understood why people have a need to use such terms to emphasize their point of view. I would offer the same advice to you as I have offered Raena as both of you are in similar situations and could benefit from it. I know a lot of people think it is cathartic to let off steam by letting smoke out of their ears but I guess one can just let these things pass out of one's system without any fanfare and avoid a rise in blood pressure and bile.

Anyway, take it or leave it but I would think if you would give it a try you would benefit.Warm wishes to both of you.

[Lion Heart]

JAG ummm Just A Guy lol...didn't seem right to refer to such a sweet soul as Jag.

 

Thankyou. I humbly accept your suggestions.

 

Maybe it's the way I have been able to get it ALL out. Well most of it. I'm not pious. I'm sure you're not saying that either.

 

I'm just me.

 

Sometimes it REALLY helps to be totally furious in thoughts or words then restrain in physical action. As I do.

 

Sure I feel bitter at times...I know this passes.

 

Recovering from what Raena's son is experiencing as a child myself. Sure, I get pretty angry at irresponsible parents. I survived that childhood in poverty. Whilst my biological father lived in the lap of luxury, treating his stepsons like kings. Bitter? Maybe.

 

I think not in this case. I truly saw how those 2 boys became men. Not nice people. At all. How they treated my father. Abhorrently.

 

I refused to accept the term ABANDONMENT as a label for me. I had a WONDERFUL family who loved and adored me. I grew up learning the value of money. Worked very hard. Got 3 degrees with no help.

 

I'm not proud of my achievements.

 

I'm GRATEFUL for them.

 

My parents were Missionaries but behaved quite disgracefully alot of the time. My STBEXVWH family consider themselves very pious involved in law breaking activities with church hierarchy as normal.

 

I discard religion but feel very strongly there is a God.

I respect all religions but not all people who preach them.

 

I've not followed a bitter trail but have had to "fight fire with fire" many times and am still going through the worst period of my life. It's not easy for a generous, loving and compassionate soul like me to invoke "evil" ways to fight. But I have.

 

I'm not "unscathed" no way. The battle scars are obvious atm. But I know as this too also passes, so grows my understanding and EMPATHY for others.

 

There's really no POINT in going through hell without bringing something out of it. I don't feel the need to let it all go. Then I've lost important growth.

 

I've CERTAINLY detached ALOT. Provided immense support for my exH to have wonderful open-type access times with the children. Putting up with his continued sexual harassment of me is where alot of my anger spurns from atm. But as everything I will only go to extreme lengths ie call the Law in VERY seldom cases.

 

I do thankyou.

 

I feel it's very sad to see sweet sweet and innocent people being betrayed. Treated badly. Not have the drive to cast these people aside who do such horrid things to them and their children. And I mean OUT of their minds.

 

Create a safe sanctuary in at the very least, their own minds. Segment. Compartmentalize. Whatever it takes to gain the FREEDOM our lucky countries have for their citizens.

 

When all else fails I'm grateful for my 2 legs and arms that work lol. Always have been.

 

Thanks be to God for exposing what only my dreams were trying to convey to me.

 

Yes indeed I live in a beautiful country. I travelled to America for the first time last Christmas. A stunning country with such beautiful people. I'm so impressed with so many things about your culture. Ofcourse both of our countries have alot to work on! Lol.

 

We will and do.

 

I think I made it through one post with no expletives!

Yay.

 

I'll try very hard to do better ?.

 

Lion Heart

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lion Heart, Thank you for the beautiful response you have written. I can see now why you use the moniker Lion Heart. You truly are Lion Hearted. My own thinking is that all of us come into this world to learn lessons. Some have it easy and some have to go through fire and brimstone to learn what they came here to learn. I do not want to go into my rationale as to why I think so but if you look around you will see that there are people who seem to be smooth sailing through life and then some like you who are buffeted by the equivalent of the Perfect Storm. I guess that is life and the whys and wherefores are not for us to ask.This is why I said we have to leave it up to the Almighty to take care of us. I guess it is only when we resist what He wants to do for us that we come to grief.

By the way I am not at all religious but yes I believe that we are spiritual. I guess religion has a place in the human experience but since it is a man made structure it seems to lose sight of the original inspiration that helped create it. However our spiritual selves are always in touch with our Maker and so if we just let Him take us where He wants us to go, I think we will avoid grief on the way. I'm sorry this is becoming philosophical and I seem to be hijacking Raena's thread so I will shut my mouth here. In closing I would like to say that I wish the both of you the very best and both of you should let your selves relax and take things as they come and maybe you will enjoy the journey more than at the present. Cheers.

[merrmeade]

WHEN I'M HAPPY I BURN THEM. Looking like burning Witches at the stake kind of insanity lol.

OMG - I TOTALLY did this! And, yes, it is SO freaking empowering.

 

It was maybe a month post d-day. I made a BONFIRE of debris, telephone poles, and trigger items one day and took self-timed pictures—red-faced and and sweaty, standing spread-eagle in front of this monstrous fire. Very scary. Very intense. Very cathartic.

[merrmeade]

Being a single mom is hard. I think that's part of it too. I'm overwhelmed with everything I have to keep up on. I have little support in that regard, some but not much. It's a tough road having to do it all alone. For someone who is naturally more of an introvert, it's even more difficult to try and socialize so my son can have more friends/experiences.

This last says a lot, Raena. I'm completely in awe of the sacrifices you've made for your son, but this has got to take a toll. I really keep going back to my first reaction, which is how are you creatively but just as tenderly taking care of your unique needs and celebrating yourself? Do reread BetrayedH and Lion Heart, focusing on the advice and suggestions that you think or know will lift you up and out of your daily struggle.

 

I think that a lot of us have found our spiritual lives redefined by this experience as well as the ways, places and times we find that the divine has expressed itself in our lives. Whether it's church, meditation, journal writing or occasional retreats, I think we need this 'place' (or time) that takes us out of our daily selves, recharges and affirms our connection with something that we've always felt part of and inspired by.

[harrybrown]

We all could be thinner, richer, smarter, etc.

 

But you are there for your son. Someone can't be the selfish SOB.

 

Glad he is in counseling. Stay away from the drama of the ex.

 

sometimes, help is needed. You could try affair recovery. that organization is online.

 

You will find someone some day. Do not settle. there are some good people that do not cheat on you.

 

I like to exercise, that makes me feel better. Do something for yourself in addition to your son. I do not know what you like to do, but whatever it is, time to treat yourself. Keep on the 180 to stay away from crazy.