Darien 76 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Hello everyone: My good friend is moving back in with her ex husband who had an affair. She divorced him and has been on her own for 3 years but they stayed in contact during that time. During the marriage he refused to end the affair and as such she filed for divorce. After the marriage ended he appeared to regret his behavior but did not end the relationship with the other woman. My friend has done a lot of work on herself and created an independent life for herself and now her ex husband has ended his relationship with the other woman and has asked my friend to reconcile. They have been spending time together "dating", being intimate and are now looking to move in together and potentially remarry. My friend asked me for my advice and I said to not reconcile as I thought it was too big a risk. She has asked me to post on loveshack for all of your well-reasoned opinions and for thoughtful advice regarding if she is about to make a mistake reconciling and remarrying after adultery. Will the remarriage last? Please let us know your thoughts. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Please let us know your thoughts. Thank you. I think your friend has an advantage over the rest of us - going in to marriage, she knows what her spouse is capable of. No illusions, no romantic notions, no blind ignorance. If they keep the lines of communication open and boundaries in place, they probably have a pretty good shot. I'm assuming the work your friend has done has put her in a place where all this is possible. Caveat emptor... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darien 76 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 My concern for my friend is that she went to counseling and made friends, new hobbies, travel etc., but her ex husband does not seem to have done the same work on himself that my friend has done. Yes, he is remorseful, but still seems to be immature. My friend is concerned he could resort to another affair and fears a second divorce if he has not changed. Do most cheaters cheat again? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Yes a lot do. It depends on what the affair was about. For men it can be different. A lot of me don't fall in love, I did not / would not, I was just getting laid. It seems to be different for woman though. I don't think I will cheat again, and it is hard for me. If the marriage does not work out I am just getting a divorce. Really if my wife stays on the same path she is on, sober, then I am happy. But if she falls off the wagon, it is divorce time. And, no more marriage for me that is for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I'm good with couples reconciling, provided that the wayward has demonstrated true remorse. To continue an affair after Dday and through a divorce doesn't speak highly of this man. What's perhaps more concerning is the indications that he hasn't really worked on himself. Affairs are a demonstration of personal weakness. A stronger person would have remained committed to their vows or they would have at least divorced before dating. Waywards also typically have an excessive need for external validation, such that they'll break their vows and betray their spouse to get it. I would be very curious to know what this man has done to resolve his personal issues. If nothing has changed within him, I think your friend should expect similar results in the future. If this guy has an opportunity to get some extra attention, what has changed that would preclude him from chasing it again (and being too much of a coward to admit it to his wife first)? If your friend has good reason to think the guy has changed (like if he's had a good amount of individual counseling that has lead to a lot of personal revelations), he might be worth the risk. If he hasn't done that stuff, I think your friend should look elsewhere. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I guess your friend needs to seriously consider these questions: - did it feel good to have a D Day? Would you like another one? - did it feel ok to be second best? For your exWH to CHOOSE his AP over his WIFE? - why go through all that pain and rebirthing of yourself to throw it all away for the SAME POS who did this to you? Have you had Counselling? - aren't you worth more than getting back into a relationship with a known cheater? - does he need money? - do you? What on earth does this person have that you think is so wonderful that you'd gamble your heart and life again on a lame horse? How could he even pull the wool over YOUR eyes? You were the wife he betrayed. Did his AP dump him? Have you merely been kept on the back burner by him all these years "just in case"? I'd rather spend every single second of my life alone than with a husband who cheated on me. NO ONE is worth being cheated on. I'm certain your friend is being played. Some people are crazy deceptionists to a delusional level. If he's "gotten away with it" the first time, then ofcourse he wants a chump who'd have him. Then he knows he can have his cake and eat it too. Divorcing the FIRST time is really tough. Imagine having to divorce a SECOND time but from the very same WH? Ugh it reeks of the "wash, rinse, repeat" cycle. Lion Heart 3 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 The key scenario here is the fact that the ex-husband wants to reconcile AFTER his affair ended. For me, your friend is just a second choice. Does your friend want to be second choice? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I think it's good they are taking things slow, dating, etc and that is definitely the way to go. I'd be rooting for them, but he needs to do the work too. She's changed, he needs to also. I would advise your friend to set some requirements such as counseling for him before they consider moving on or remarriage. If she's already concerned that he might cheat again, that's a huge red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Does she really know H ended the A? If OW ended it & ex wife is right there after they broke up, of course her H is going to want to get back. She's his back up. I don't see anything wrong with a couple reconciling later on but he left her for OW, what will stop him from leaving again? I'd advise her if she wants to see how it works is fine but id hold off on the "marriage part". She's already been married to him, why rush it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 The key scenario here is the fact that the ex-husband wants to reconcile AFTER his affair ended. For me, your friend is just a second choice. Does your friend want to be second choice? The key scenario is more probably that the OP himself is the second choice. Finding out what the OP has at stake in all this is crucial to whether it all matters or not. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 The key scenario here is the fact that the ex-husband wants to reconcile AFTER his affair ended. For me, your friend is just a second choice. Does your friend want to be second choice? ^^^THIS^^^^! I would not want to be anyone's second choice. There are too many men in the world to go back to one who didn't value me. No way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 My concern for my friend is that she went to counseling and made friends, new hobbies, travel etc., but her ex husband does not seem to have done the same work on himself that my friend has done. Yes, he is remorseful, but still seems to be immature. I would say no. Your friend has made a new life for herself and her ex wants his old live back My friend is concerned he could resort to another affair and fears a second divorce if he has not changed. Do most cheaters cheat again? Then NEVER get remarried. Just live with him. There is no stigma to that now a days. If he cheats then you just walk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 The key scenario here is the fact that the ex-husband wants to reconcile AFTER his affair ended. For me, your friend is just a second choice. Does your friend want to be second choice? The BW was not a second choice. For most affairs end after 2 years. Affairs are hard to break because they cause addictive brain chemistry. The AP gives them an addictive high. After time the relationship ends because that high can no longer be maintained and the WS realizes that the AP was not special. Second many spouses have gotten a divorce after an affair only to remarry and have a better marriage then before. I say support your friend in recovering her marriage with her EX. Just tell her to move slow and make sure her EXWH realizes that he has to step up his game as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 She should set firm expectations. My wife and I divorced after her affair, were apart 5 years and have remarried almost a year now. We bith have non negotiable expectations. Example, she should absolutely demand IC and MC to ensure that he is facing and owning his issues that allowed the affair to happen. Ha-ha my wife is actually the one that demands we continue MC at least quarterly. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 Sometimes the Devil you know is better than the one you don't. That said, I've always maintained a strict one and done policy. Part of the reason I stayed with my wife was because I know if we separated at all, that would be it forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 My friend has done a lot of work on herself and created an independent life for herself but her ex husband does not seem to have done the same work on himself that my friend has done. Yes, he is remorseful, but still seems to be immature. My friend is concerned he could resort to another affair and fears a second divorce if he has not changed. There's a certain contradiction here. If your friend really has done the work, she won't accept less than a real commitment with boundaries and transparency. Are you part of the equation? Any history with or feelings for your "friend" ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darien 76 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 Thank you for all of the replies. Ha - no Mr. Lucky, we are both women and interested in men. I am also of the one and done mentality. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. With that being said, I just don't want my friend to be hurt again as her ex husband seems to be comfortable and skilled at lying and he did not go to any individual counseling. I do want to see her be happy and the ex treated her awful during that time of her marriage. He seems to be an immature selfish man as well as fiscally irresponsible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 I am also of the one and done mentality. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. With that being said, I just don't want my friend to be hurt again as her ex husband seems to be comfortable and skilled at lying and he did not go to any individual counseling. I do want to see her be happy and the ex treated her awful during that time of her marriage. He seems to be an immature selfish man as well as fiscally irresponsible. Well, of all potential partners, you'd think she'd walk into this fully informed and eyes open, ignorance won't be an excuse if things go bad. Just out of curiousity, what reasons does she give for wanting to get back with him? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darien 76 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 She did not stop loving him, he is readily available to help her with anything she needs, enjoys his company. But for the affair, she would not have divorced, and he would not end that relationship to save the marriage. He said he was confused and he kept going back and forth between her and ow so that is how she ultimately pulled the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 She did not stop loving him, he is readily available to help her with anything she needs, enjoys his company. But for the affair, she would not have divorced, and he would not end that relationship to save the marriage. He said he was confused and he kept going back and forth between her and ow so that is how she ultimately pulled the plug. How did the relationship with the OW end? Did it end of it's own volition? Like they dated and he saw it was all a mirage? Or was she married and would not leave her own husband? I would need to know that he was not still pining for this woman and just not wanting to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 Seems like the H is good at cake eating, even with the inconvinience of a divorce. He did exactly what he felt like doing. Now that the affair magic wore off,he wants hime again.When it was time to step up to the plate and choose,he let your friend go. Maybe he figures she'll ways take him back. He showed her he'd rather lose her rhan give up on his AP. Seems like a selfish guy,who will do it again. If she made a good life for herself,why does she want him back? I know a guy who did that. Left his wife for an AP, came crawling back after a year or so,she took him back,they had another baby and then he left her again for a second woman. He came back after a while, she took him back and then he left again,this time it's been four years and he's still with his AP. They havent divorced yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 My concern for my friend is that she went to counseling and made friends, new hobbies, travel etc., but her ex husband does not seem to have done the same work on himself that my friend has done. Yes, he is remorseful, but still seems to be immature. My friend is concerned he could resort to another affair and fears a second divorce if he has not changed. Do most cheaters cheat again? Surely then one does not marry? A bit ridiculous no? Also why doesn't she come on and speak for herself and tell her story? Even if she were reading this seems a bit bizarre she would then have you type out replies and thoughts etc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darien 76 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 My friend did not want to create an account and posting the issue was my idea to get additional advice. I think the affair fizzled out and my friend's ex-h made a few attempts to reconcile but my friend was not receptive before to those earlier attempts. I agree with you imsosad my impression also is he is a cake eater and a charmer. my friend never wanted a divorce and asked him to go to MC and end the affair but he wouldn't at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 You said she's grown and learned about herself...then why is she running backwards - toward a person who treated her terribly? I don't think she's grown as much as she claims. And why remarry? He may have just recently ended the OW...he may not have done counseling to fix what is broken about himself/fix what caused him to cheat. And he's not fiscally responsible? I vote no way on the remarriage. Why would your friend choose this? Out of ALL the men in the world she wants a man who isn't good with money and who she knows cheats? No way! I think your friend is moving too fast. There's no reason to see him right now - he has work to do on himself and he needs to have some solid evidence he won't cheat again. Marry? Why? Why can't she just allow him to take her out once a week? She should also date other men to see if someone else offers her more peace of mind. Why is she moving so fast? It looks like she's acting out of fear. Find out why she is making life decisions that are fear based. She knows what she's getting. She gets an immature man emotionally that doesn't manage his money or consider how his actions affect his wife. He's selfish! No, I vote heck NO! She needs to see her counselor to delve into why she would even consider this as a choice for herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darien 76 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 Such good points S2B. This is very similar to the advice I gave. Link to post Share on other sites
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