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Wife had affair now needs space. I want to save my marriage


Wes25

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Hello,

 

I've just found this site and was hoping to get some advice/perspective. This is going to be a longer post so I apologize in advance. I'll try to be as direct as possible.

 

My wife and I have been together for 16 years and I thought we had a great relationship. Recently (6 months) we have been having some problems with our marriage to where she changed, she started shutting me out, hiding things on me. We have always been open and then she started putting a pin on her phone, changed her passwords to everything and being very vague/lying to me. I caught her texting a guy from work that she knew I didn't like or trust, the kind of guy that preys on weakness and low self esteem in woman, and doesn't care about ruining families. The type of married man that will sleep with a married woman. You know the type, the real scum of the earth. I apologize if that is anyone here, the bitterness of the rest of the story has fully set in right now. I told her that needed to stop and she said it would.

 

When we first started talking about it she said she wasn't happy, that she changed to try and be happier. I accepted it like an idiot. Then 2 months ago the first bomb dropped. She told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. That she hasn't been happy for a while. That she knew I lied to her alot, and that I took her for granted. That she wasn't happy and wasn't sure she could trust me anymore. I'll concede I'm not the greatest husband. I did lie to her a lot, as lying has always come easy to me. I never meant to hurt her and most of the time the lies just came out, so I stuck with them. I also did fall asleep at the wheel. I took her for granted, this didn't mean I stopped taking her out, getting her things or helped with things around the house and such, but I think she just didn't feel that I tried anymore. I got comfortable in our life and I liked that comfort. I fully own both of my issues. From that day 2 months ago I have done a complete change. I have not uttered a lie to her or anyone else since. I have done everything I can to show her I love her, that I care for her and that our marriage and family (6 year old daughter) mean more to me than anything.

 

The next bomb came exactly 19 days ago. She said she was going to the gym to work out. No problem there. My daughter and I went grocery shopping, on the way back we decided to go leave a note on the wifes car, except it was no where to be found in the parking lot. When she got home my daughter and I confronted her in a playful way, to which she lied and said it was there. 10 minutes later she asked me upstairs and admitted that she wasn't at that gym, but went to another gym to work out with him. I walked away from that conversation immediately. After my daughter went to bed I confronted her and she finally admitted that she had sex with him on 3 different occasions and that she was in contact with him alot. At that point I made her choose then and there, it was him or me, that she needed to cut off all contact at once. She agreed that she wanted to work on the marriage and would sever all contact other than a business professional relationship at work.

 

The first 10 days after d-day were okay. I went through the roller coaster of emotions, wasn't eating wasn't sleeping but there was a lot of crying on her part, and a lot of deep conversations on my part. I went about this wrong. I first started with the ultimatum, and then I reversed course, said that I don't want you to be a prisoner so if you want to separate we can. She has said sorry but never really shown me any remorse other than crying about me never being able to trust her, and how can I love her after she did this to me. I have explained that I love her, I care for her, I want to be with her, I want our family to get through this.

 

Now the past 7 days have changed again. The pins went back up on the phone. She told me she isn't happy and wasn't for a while. She admitted that she is still in contact with him at work because they have mutual friends and she didn't want to make it awkward at work. She loves her job and doesn't want to see it affected. She has tried to use me and the way I was/am as a reason to justify what she did. I'm not perfect and I have taken my fair share of the blame for this affair, in fact I take most if not all the blame for it. She acknowledges I changed but said she isn't happy with herself, that she is sad all the time. She has told me she needs space to figure out who she is and how to be happy and I offered to move out. The next day I backtracked on leaving the house and my daughter so I have agreed and since moved to the spare room.

 

I'm going through panic mode feeling like I am losing the woman I love and our marriage. The other day I saw she wasn't wearing her wedding rings anymore, she didn't say anything but once she went to work she texted me and said that she is sorry she hurt me by not wearing her rings, but they were a constant reminder of the hurt and sadness at home and she found herself looking at them and crying at work. I broke down because deep conversations are non existent right now and write her a bit long letter. I explained that I love her, that I know I was wrong in the past and I want to/am changing. That I won't take advantage anymore, no more lying, that I want her to have a full and happy life. I delivered that 2 days ago and nothing back so far. She even avoided me last night saying that it was late when she would be leaving her sisters and she is just going to stay there.

 

She knew yesterday was important to me because she went to her first counselling session and I wanted to talk about that. She avoided me so she didn't have to talk.

 

I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle here. I want to save my marriage so badly I feel like I am in a downward spiral where the affair doesn't even matter anymore. But deep down it is eating me up inside and I'm seeing nothing but her pulling away from me more and more when I need her now more than ever.

 

Sorry for the long post I'm just looking for advice from the guys who have gone through this in the past.

 

Thanks

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She is still cheating. You do realize that, don't you.

 

You need to file for divorce right now go for full custody if possible.

 

You don't have to go through it if she comes back to you, but it looks like she is too far gone on this one.

 

She is not sorry that she is having an affair, she likes screwing this guy. She thinks she is in love. She has lied to you about everything.

 

Strike fast and strike first and file for divorce.

 

Don't beg and plead for her to come back, it make you look like a weak puss.

 

In fact, you should probably go out and get laid, you will fell better.

 

The marriage is like 99% over. I am so sorry for your situation.

 

If you think I am just full of it, just wait your find out.

 

Good luck...

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Sorry for what you are going through.

You need to get tested for STD's.

 

If the roles were reversed and you engaged in

this type of behavior on your wife do you honestly

think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been?

 

She has shown that she has no respect for you or your family.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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The quickest way to stop some lover boy from messing with your wife is to let him have her.

 

Dudes don't @#$@ married women because they want them for themselves. They @#$@ married women so they can have some occasional fun with them but not have to deal with them all the time and don't have to rub their feet and hang out with their friends and relatives and don't have to put up with them all the time.

 

Married women are for extra part time fun on the side, not to have as your primary relationship.

 

The best way to keep your wife is file for divorce and wish her a happy life with the other man (OM). Now she has you for security and stability and the OM for fun. It's a great life. Plus two men want her. Make it clear that she can't have both.

 

 

Think of her as your teenage daughter. She wants her boyfriend and her bedroom in daddy's house. She can have both because daddy will never kick her out and will always take her back because he loves her.

 

 

She will come back to daddy if the boyfriend doesn't work out and will stay until there is a new boyfriend. Why shouldn't she?

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You backed off him or you and put yourself in limbo. She took full advantage of your weakness. You just told her she was worth more than you. She will now cake eat. Space/separation at this time Is to spend more time with her lover.

 

Never leave your home!!!!! Ever!!!!

 

She will prey on your weakness over and over. You'd better wake up and get strong.

 

You should do exposure now. His/her family, friends WITHOUT WARNING!!!! Don't worry about pushing her away she's already gone.

 

Affairs only thrive in secret and the dark. I'd bet he's married. His wife should know immediately.

 

If you can't get strong and take control you lose.

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You are not responsible for her cheating. Move yourself back into you bedroom, move her things to the other room. Get tested for STD's. See an attorney. If she wants to separate, let her be the one to leave.

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Other man is scum? What does that make your wife?

 

You'd be better off to file. Start the clock ticking. had you stayed the course you started you have been better off. Being Mr Nice Guy at this time gets you nothing.

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snip

I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do, *I feel like I am fighting a losing battle here. I want to save my marriage so badly I feel like I am in a downward spiral where the affair doesn't even matter anymore. But deep down it is eating me up inside and I'm seeing nothing but her pulling away from me more and more when I need her now more than ever.

 

*This isn't a losing battle, it's a lost battle.

 

She has examined her thoughts and feelings, and decided that its over.

 

When a woman takes her wedding ring off she's has made a final decision.

 

There's no way back from this.

 

Talk to your lawyer and file for divorce.

 

If you don't, she will.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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You are playing what is called the "pick me game' and that rarely ends well for you.

 

You are now sharing your wife and she has no intention of stopping. And the sooner you realize that begging and pleading with her is going to have exactly the opposite effect of what you want the better off you will be.

 

You told her to choose him or you, and guess who she has chosen???? There is no rational explanation for her locking her electronics other than she is still cheating.

 

So here is what you have

(1) a wife who you know has cheated on you physically on at least three instances, probably more that she has not admitted

(2) she works with him and SHE has decided that rather than be uncomfortable at work she will let you squirm knowing she is still acting like she never screwed him

(3) you have rewarded her cheating by telling her you will put up with it and take no action.

(4) and instead of begging you to give her another chance she has told you to b ack off.

 

Never make a threat you are not prepared to enforce. You told her to choose and backed down and let her to intimidate you into submission. That is because you are single handedly trying to freconcile and that cannot be done.

 

If you do any reading, the overwhelming amount of literature will tell you the following are absolutely necessary to have any chance to save your marriage

(1) total and unconditional NO contact with OM. You wife has refused that. The experts will tell you that she should not be in gthe same workplace with him at all

(2) total transparency on all her electronics. She refuses that.

(3) total committment. Hardly there Id say.

 

Now you cannot control her but you can control what you will and will not stand for. You have two clear cut choices right now

(1) continue to play Mr. Nice Guy and live in the open marriage you are now it

(2) play hardballl and show her some real life consequences.

 

Should you choose number 2 those here can help you. Should you choose number 1, you can vent all you want and nothing will help you.

 

Its your call. There are no grey areas here.

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Everyone is so cynical and quick to tell you to divorce her. divorce is a hard thing and it's not good for the kids either, does lasting damage. Especially where it doesn't seem like you have a volatile relationship in front of your daughter.

 

You can own all the things you did to her but please don't feel it's your fault she stepped out. There were a thousand other ways to handle it inside the marriage so she takes full blame on the affair.

 

But yes you do have to make some changes In You if you want the marriage to survive. And that's what you should focus on now.

 

The affair, the scummy guy....that will lose its luster really soon. It's based I fantasy and won't last, especially since he's married as well.

 

Don't be a victim. Don't leave your house, don't leave your bedroom. If she needs space, she can go make her own space.

 

Most the time when people say they haven't been happy for awhile, it indicates a problem within themselves and isn't always the relationship that's the cause.

 

I stayed with my WS and we are working towards a better relationship. We are both going to IC and MC and are completely open. The OW is not in the picture at all anymore. Sometimes when people have affairs, it's a cry for help and can actually be the catalyst for turning the marriage around and making it more fulfilling. I'm not sure if that's possible on your case, but what I do know is---

 

It can't be done alone. Your wife has to be on board with saving the marriage. Let her know your intentions but also, she can't be in the house if she's going to be in contact with him...she's MARRIED.

 

Give her the space, let her know you love her and maybe you have a chance if she turns things around. Right now it doesn't seem like she's willing. But she's mesmerized by this guy, that will wear off when reality sets in.

 

Good luck

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GorillaTheater

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

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Naw man, I think you should stick around and just wait while she keeps cheating. I mean, what tastes better than getting that 3 am kiss when she gets home after being in a hotel room all night with another dude?

 

 

I mean, would you really really want your kids to get divorced from their future spouses just because that spouse has given up on them, lies to them constantly, and found someone else?

 

 

You say you want to work it out, well I can't think of a single way that could happen while she's still seeing another guy.

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First off, stop seeing this as your fault. It's not.

 

Your wife had choices int he relationship, even if she was unhappy. She could have talked to you about it, demanded counseling for the two fo you, asked for a separation, etc.

 

She didn't. She chose to cheat, and I expect it's been going on for longer than you think. She's doing the re-writing history thing, where your marriage is bad, she doesn't really love you, etc. That way, she can convince herself that you pushed her to cheat, she's not a cheater and she had no choice.

 

Of course, all of that is bull. While you may not have been a perfect spouse ( no one is), she had other options than to cheat.

 

You may be able to come back from this, but until she is ready to be honest with you and herself, that can't happen.

my prediction for what she will do if left to her own devices is-

- she'll walk away from you while still keeping you on the line in case her A doesn't work out

- if it works out, she'll seek divorce, if it doesn't she'll come crawling back as if she is doing you some great favor, and expect you to wrk to earn back her love

 

Some people who have affairs will never do so again because they do the work needed to learn better ways of behaving. Your wife has consistently lied about it, and only been honest because she was caught. DO you really feel that you can trust her?

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File for divorce now and it's not your fault that she's having an affair God your wife is a no good tramp, do something for yourself a stop being doormat.! take back your life do you never leave the house make that POS leave..!!!

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You may have made mistakes in your marriage but nothing can justify the cheating, do not take the blame for that.

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File for D.

 

Expose this to her family, your daughter and her work.

 

If the OM is married, then call his wife.

 

I agree, you can't believe her.

 

she does not respect you. How would she feel if you had an A?

 

see your attorney and file.

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You aren't going to look good to your wife until you slap her with divorce papers. At that time the fog will start to lift and she will get a view what her life will be without you there. She will be stunned that you are strong enough to let her go and that will make her view you in a different light. Don't be angry, be very calm and file.

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Your wife is tearing you down and you are compromising. She has betrayed you and is not truly remorseful and willing to do everything to save your marriage. You have been rejected and replaced and it is time for you to go to war! You should think only of yourself right now and do everything to build yourself back up.

 

 

Your emotional life is at stake and you are either going to do things to get back your respect and build yourslef up or you are going to be a doormat. She has put you into a situation that you are either going to fight like hell or you are going to be reduced to putty; FIGHT FOR YOURSELF because she is not going to fight for you she is tearing you down!

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File for divorce now and it's not your fault that she's having an affair God your wife is a no good tramp, do something for yourself a stop being doormat.! take back your life do you never leave the house make that POS leave..!!!

 

This is advice for someone that, despite the affair, wants to try to save his marriage?

 

I want to save my marriage so badly I feel like I am in a downward spiral where the affair doesn't even matter anymore.

 

Wes25, you can only control you. Set some healthy boundaries, the 180 is a good tool to get you set up. Think long-term and avoid emotional, knee jerk reactions. Keep posting, lots of experience and (mostly) good advice here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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First things first, you bare 0% of the responsibility for her choice to cheat. That is 100% on her. So, don't accept that line of flawed reasoning.

 

Essentially, what you are doing is trying to "nice her back". That doesn't work brother. As you can attest for yourself, it actually only makes the situation worse. It only provides her with the justification she needs to continue the A. Look at it from her perspective. She has a boyfriend on one hand and a husband who has agreed with her that her choice to cheat is his fault on the other. Since the husband has done nothing but be super nice to her to try and get her back, what incentive does she have to end the affair and change the behaviors that led to it? She has the best of both worlds and until you do something to rock her boat, she will not change one bit.

 

So, the question is what to do to change the current dynamic. The answer may seem counter intuitive, but this is what I have found to work. Remove yourself as an option right away. You can't control her and shouldn't even try. You can however, control yourself. Stop following her around like a love sick puppy. Make it clear to her that she can date and sleep with whoever she pleases, but not as long as she is still married to you. Set boundaries that are clear for what is and is not acceptable to you in your in home separation. Insist that you move back into your bedroom and she move to the guest room. She is the one that's cheating after all. Read about and implement the 180 as soon as you can. Do this for your emotional well being as you need to detach a little. That will clear your mind some for the decisions you will have to make. Visit an attorney ASAP. Knowledge of your rights and obligations will be very helpful to you. In your case, I would even file for divorce because your WW sounds so far gone. Remember though, that in most places, you can stop the divorce process anytime you choose to.

 

Once you have done all that, inform the AP's spouse/girlfriend what he has been doing in his spare time. Affairs thrive in the dark like vampires. When they are dragged into the light, the illusion and fantasy is shattered. You must kill the A while you are still married to her. Inform her parents and your parents about what is going on. You will both need their support to get through this.

 

In order to save your marriage, you must be willing to lose it. Bold and decisive action is needed, because if you do the pick me dance, you are guaranteed to lose. A 10+ year marriage can not compete with limerence. Your marriage is grounded in the real world, whereas an affair takes place in fantasy land. Because your WW has not seen any consequences for her behavior, she will keep doing what she is doing. I am not saying be mean to her or yell at her or anything. I am saying though that if you give her a realistic peek into what her life would be like without you, that may knock her out of the fog. Do not be afraid of losing her. You've already lost her. Only she can decide whether she wants to come back or not. Good luck brother.

Edited by malvern99
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Unfortunatly your wife is not taking responsibility for her actions. And your so busy doing that your not seeing things clearly.

 

I was the wayward spouse. I never blamed my husband. Because I am a grown adult who makes my own descisions. And I am assuming your wife is too. Look up the 180 as suggested but I recommend doing it not with the idea of "winning" her back but with the goal to make yourself strong enough to be okay and happy without your wife. If she grows up, takes reaponsibility and starts working on her own stuff and you want to go into reconciliation than great. But this? This is just torturing you.

 

You can take responsibility for your own actions but you did not make your wife cheat. She chose to do that. Remember that.

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Hi Wes25

 

Are you here still?

 

You are NOT TO BLAME whatsoever for your Wayward Wife's affair. Her affair is 100% on her. No matter what.

 

You said you've lied to her alot for virtually 16 years?

Would you mind expanding upon that?

 

Have you had affair(s)?

 

I kinda got a weird vibe but only because you "appeared" to want to put it all behind you very fast and move on. Not accusations, just trying to gain some clarity of the situation.

 

Cheating spouses are high achievers at blame shifting.

Do not allow this.

 

TBH a Marraige where one spouse is lying all the time is very wearing on the other spouse. Still no excuse to cheat! But I'm SURE she decided to give you some of your owm medicine of lying and deceiving after putting up with it for 16y.

 

Omg did I just DEFEND a WW? NO. NEVER.

She may have tried EVERYTHING else to wake you up out of this behaviour.

 

Well she did I understand!

 

ENACT THE 180 immediately.

This is the ONLY WAY to retrieve some control over the situation.

This is the ONLY WAY to get your dignity back.

This is the ONLY WAY to force HER to make a decision very quickly one way or the other.

 

NOTE WELL: IF the 180 appears to work as you would prefer (personally I just want the f***ing truth! Lol) and your WW does return to the family home.

It is NO GUARANTEE for a lasting marraige.

 

From my perspective this M is done.

WW has had enough of you.

She's retaliated and fallen for a dumpster Married OM.

 

DO NOT ACT DESPERATE.

 

I ALWAYS advocate widespread exposure of Affairs.

The other Betrayed Spouse needs to know ASAP.

You are being RESPONSIBLE by doing so.

 

YOU need to be tested for STDs and so does the other BS. IMMEDIATELY.

 

Only this year a lady I worked with found out her H was actually a WH BECAUSE she got an STD. Married 25y.

 

FILE for divorce. Immediately if you can.

You can always change your mind later down the track.

 

You may have been comfortable in the M you had.

Maybe WW was comfortable enough not to leave before she embarked on her A.

Not COMMITTED enough to stay faithful anymore.

 

Lion Heart

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