Sudden About Turns in Reconciliation

[stuckinaloop]

Hi,

 

I'm in reconciliation with my wife, I had an affair and ultimately ended it, confessed and have been working on me and the relationship between me and my wife for 6 months. I regret what I did and the hurt I've caused, I haven't yet even started to forgive myself but have accepted I will need to.

 

It's all been going fairly well and I've been so happy but then 2 days ago everything just fell apart - for me at least. Reflecting on everything I learnt since ending the affair and how well R was going I suddenly realised I was forgetting me.

 

I realised that my why's had led me into a marriage where I accepted less than I wanted in the first place. i don't like thinking about this but I can't escape that conclusion now and I've just broken down. My wife doesn't understand because I'm not great at explaining as I'm so down at the moment. I'm trying to work through it and understand if the marriage can become more.

 

All I can think of is separating to be alone and work on me.

 

Anyone else ever experience this in R? I'm trying to stay calm and not just run away and, instead, think clearly but I'm a mess right now.

[mikeylo]

Depending on the extent of damage done, 6 months of reconciliation is nothing in big scheme of things.

[Marc878]

Separation after you've cheated could end your marriage.

 

Takes 2-5 years. This will pass if you both work it together

[road]

Recovery is a two to five year process. It is described as a roller coaster ride. Up and down from day to day. Slowly things level out.

 

 

Recovery is not just repairing the damage from the affair. It is also time to work on where the marriage needs improvement.

 

 

The goal is to not get the marriage back to where it was before D day but to heal and make the marriage better than before.

[usernameisvalid]

I think what I see as the bottom line here is that if you leave, you should be prepared for the relationship to end. If you truly decide you don't want to work on your marriage and that you want to call it quits, then by all means, get out as soon as you decide in order to avoid wasting your wife's time and energy.

 

In my opinion if you're not completely and totally certain you want to end it, now is not the time to separate and figure that out. The time for that would've been before you cheated.

 

If you're still at all invested in this marriage and wanting to make it work, now is the time to give her what she needs. It's not that your needs don't matter, but just as you pushed aside her needs for safety and security and honesty in order to meet your own needs, you now have to push your own needs aside in order to help her get back to a safer place with a more stable foundation.

 

Once you get to a bit of a better place, you can better address the other stuff. Hopefully as her husband you'll be able to sense when you're getting there.

[S2B]

It seems that thinking of yourself is what caused the affair. It's not a likely solution to repair the damage YOU caused by thinking of yourself moving forward.

 

And "forgiving yourself?" What kind of crap is that? You are so focused on yourself you haven't even mentioned how much hurt you caused your wife and exactly what you ARE DOING to repair the damage you caused her.

 

Stop being so selfish and self centered... OR - if that's what you plan to continue to do then just divorce her to spare her more pain.

[ShatteredLady]

When it comes to reconciliation, do or do not, don't 'try'.

 

You say "Reflecting on everything I learnt since ending the affair and how well R was going I suddenly realised I was forgetting me."

 

....you had an affair!! You weren't thinking of your wife then. I don't know how long your adultery lasted but you've already had your marriage vacation. If you're still justifying your behavior by pointing fingers at your wife & thinking ME, ME, ME you're not anywhere close to reconciliation.

 

6 months is NOTHING!!

 

I know that first posts often don't give enough information for anyone to truly help but from what you've said you just don't 'get it'....not one little bit! The state of your marriage prior to the A will need to be addressed at some point. Unless your wife is very, very different from most of us she is still in agony. At this point any judgements sound like blame. Blaming your wife for YOUR betrayal & abuse is incredibly cruel & self indulgent....the fast track to divorce.

 

She has given you an incredibly generous gift. That's what reconciliation is. If you don't feel this way maybe you should consider setting her free to find a loving, loyal, true husband.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote- "I realised that my why's had led me into a marriage where I accepted less than I wanted in the first place. i don't like thinking about this but I can't escape that conclusion now and I've just broken down."

 

 

How long have you been married for? How long have you known your wife? Did you feel that you were settling for a 'less than' wife when you married or did this realization only come after you were obsessing on OW?

 

No-one is perfect. No marriage is perfect. I'm a hapless romantic. I resisted the idea that "marriage is work" for decades!! Love is not enough...there are days that I don't even like my H!! That doesn't mean that our marriage is bad or good, just normal.

 

It takes strength of character to recognize & deal with issues long before adultery happens. Most MM in affairs are very conflict avoidant & lacking communication skills. Are you like this?

[S2B]

You ruined the trust.

 

What, exactly, are you 'doing' to regain her trust?

[Chica80]

Hi,

 

I realised that my why's had led me into a marriage where I accepted less than I wanted in the first place. i don't like thinking about this but I can't escape that conclusion now and I've just broken down. My wife doesn't understand because I'm not great at explaining as I'm so down at the moment. I'm trying to work through it and understand if the marriage can become more.

 

All I can think of is separating to be alone and work on me.

 

Anyone else ever experience this in R? I'm trying to stay calm and not just run away and, instead, think clearly but I'm a mess right now.

 

(Bold text) Probably why you had an A in the first place.

 

Are you in IC?

 

If your wife decided to forgive you and still work on your marriage. Then you need to learn how to do this. Be open, let her see who you are.

 

You confessed and told her, so you must want to be with your wife. But it will never be what it could be if you only give her parts of yourself and not be open with her.

[RecentChange]

A couple of points.

 

I agree with others, if you leave to “spend time on yourself” don’t expect the marriage to survive.

 

6 months isn’t that long, there is still work to do.

 

Have you, or your wife been to counseling?

 

NOW – my opinion on these matters. I have been a “BS”, I was cheated on. We reconciled, and years (5) later, I cheated, and we are currently 6 months into reconciliation after my affair.

 

Many betrayed spouses here – see things only from a BS point of view. Many seem to think the only reason that cheating happens is a lack of moral character, that you just must be a purposely hurtful selfish animal. That its 110% the fault of the WS, end of story.

 

I have seen both sides, and know this is often not the case. In fact, I saw both sides when my spouse cheated. Sure, I was hurt, my trust was broken, I was angry. But I didn’t play victim, I didn’t place 100% of the blame on him, but rather looked at the WHOLE situation, our WHOLE relationship. His poor choices, his poor coping skills, OUR lack of communication, MY role in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

I would wager to say, it’s a very very very rare case where the relationship is perfect, both parties are totally happy, and then one cheats.

 

My husband wasn’t happy – was that “my fault” no, but was I adult enough to understand that OUR RELATIONSHIP is what helped lead to this unfortunate turn of events? Absolutely.

 

Later, when I cheated, the situation was totally different, the reasons where totally different than his reasons, the state of our relationship at the time was different. And if you asked me the DAY before I cheated, if I was happy with my relationship, I would have said YES.

 

But the reality, the fact of the matter, even if I didn’t truly realize it at first – I WASN’T totally happy. I had been faithful for years and years and years, and the OM wasn’t that special – but I was vulnerable. My relationship wasn’t as strong as it could have been, and that was due to neglect on BOTH my and my husband’s part.

 

So for US – reconciliation wasn’t only about apologies, and remorse, and efforts to make right – but also about REAL talks, hard talks about what EACH of us NEED and WANT in a relationship, and together, make the steps so that we can strengthen our relationship..

 

Because if the goal was to restore the relationship to where it was before the affair – that wasn’t going to work. That was a relationship prone to an affair due to the relationships short comings.

 

My advice, find the holes and plug them. You will have to address of this VERY carefully, because you have really hurt her, and its not acceptable to blame her. But I do think its acceptable to convey that while you are truly remorseful, you have realized that you weren’t happy. You already have said you are a poor communicator, which probably got you into this mess in the first place.

 

Have you tried counseling? If not, I would say seek some ASAP. You need to improve your communication skills, and sort through your thoughts etc so that you can approach this situation in a constructive way.

[elaine567]

My wife doesn't understand because I'm not great at explaining as I'm so down at the moment. I'm trying to work through it and understand if the marriage can become more.

 

All I can think of is separating to be alone and work on me.

 

 

I guess your wife doesn't understand, because you didn't actually tell her what you really feel, for fear of her reaction.

[ladydesigner]

Hi,

 

I'm in reconciliation with my wife, I had an affair and ultimately ended it, confessed and have been working on me and the relationship between me and my wife for 6 months. I regret what I did and the hurt I've caused, I haven't yet even started to forgive myself but have accepted I will need to.

 

It's all been going fairly well and I've been so happy but then 2 days ago everything just fell apart - for me at least. Reflecting on everything I learnt since ending the affair and how well R was going I suddenly realised I was forgetting me.

 

I realised that my why's had led me into a marriage where I accepted less than I wanted in the first place. i don't like thinking about this but I can't escape that conclusion now and I've just broken down. My wife doesn't understand because I'm not great at explaining as I'm so down at the moment. I'm trying to work through it and understand if the marriage can become more.

 

All I can think of is separating to be alone and work on me.

 

Anyone else ever experience this in R? I'm trying to stay calm and not just run away and, instead, think clearly but I'm a mess right now.

 

Regret won't work in Reconciliation. You actually are going to have to feel some remorse otherwise what is the point?

 

Reconciliation is hard work, it is totally a marathon and not a sprint. There will be ups and downs for YEARS! If that is something you are willing to put yourself through to save your M then I would say stay and fight the fight to save your M, otherwise I feel it would be wise for you to move on.

 

Do you have any children together?

[Lion Heart]

Well done for your realizations!

 

I think you MAY have hit the nail on the head with you wondering WHY you married in the first place. Yes IC can help! It's a very important point you stumbled across.

 

Reconciliation can be VERY AWAKENING for both spouses.

 

Some people just shouldn't BE married. There's no judgement calls on this. It's just the way it is for some. ExWH here is ONE of those people. He cannot stand responsibility for anything beyond himself. He hasn't a shred of altruism lol. But he's extreme. H

He's also extremely SELFISH.

If there's no sex, alcohol or gambling in the mix, he's simply not interested.

Work is truly a 4 letter word for him beginning with sh..

 

As I said. Extreme. But others are along this spectrum somewhere and it's very important for YOU to work through this ASAP to save your BW more heartache in the time of R.

 

ExWH should never have proposed.

Never have been married.

Definitely not tried for R. Not that he did really. Just STAYED and wouldn't leave lol.

He even wants to come back. Misses my cooking etc lol.

 

Your BW ALSO needs IC. I guess I'm so lucky that there's so much free Counselling offered in Australia. For everyone. It's truly wonderful and I'm CERTAIN part of the reason that RECOVERY is swift.

 

Absolutely 2-5 years, at LEAST! Some people are here decades after an A event in their M.

 

It's impossible to understand being a BS unless you've been through it yourself.

 

And just for the record MINIMIZING or blame shifting As on to a "bad marraige" or whatever else is just showing a lack of responsibility for the A.

 

I was in the exact same "bad M" lol. It was far more horrid for me for multitudes of reasons. Just fact. But no way did I see an AFFAIR as the answer or any type of infidelity.

WH just WANTED to predate on OW.

He WANTED his cake at home any time of the day or night AND any crumbs he could get outside the M lol.

His whole LIFESTYLE was busted open on D Day but the length of that lifestyle on D Days months later made things MUCH CLEARER to me.

 

Being HONEST has got to start with you.

Being honest with yourself I mean. IC will help.

 

Learning how to talk with your BW in an open way may take time! But do this.

 

Every 2nd morning for 3 months or so my WH and I would wake at 6am and talk for exactly 1 hour. In privacy. Those mornings were calm. Very upsetting at times. But alot came out and I'm very grateful for the UNDERSTANDING of him I got out of those mornings.

 

M can be a rocky road. You bringing an A into the mix has made this ABRUPTLY STEEP! But this is the "for worse" part of your vows for both of you. Affairs are unnecessary. An affair is all on you buddy.

 

Recovery is on both of you.

 

You have a short window of time IMO to MAKE this recovery occur. The willingness of some BSs is gone in an INSTANT. Others take more time before they just simply get out because they've had enough of the crap. Like me.

 

If you are not IN 100% then I strongly doubt your M will reconcile and become better as some people claim. Good for them but it's not for everyone.

 

Lion Heart

[BluesPower]

First off, RC, Great Post.

 

You need to listen to her. She does know what she is talking about.

 

Maybe you should listen to me as well. Like RC, I have been both, BS and WS. People like us have a unique perspective on a lot of this stuff.

 

I for one can tell you that, 1) You really don't know how much you hurt your wife. You think you do, but I promise that you don't. You have to be on the other side to really understand it. 2) If you want your marriage, some of your needs will have to come second. If you can't deal with that then divorce her and move on. If you can, take your time.

 

If you are a poor communicator figure out how to be one. My wife and I have been married 26 years. We are still learning to communicate better ever day.

 

You have to be will to put yourself out there and be truthful, transparent, and vulnerable. I in your case, you have to help your wife do the same.

 

She may lash out at you for a while but you need to handle it and be sympathetic to her lever of hurt that you do not understand.

 

Most of all, you have to learn to communicate exactly want you both want and need from the marriage.

 

In this situation, you need to decide right now if you want your marriage or not. Because, putting her through a half hearted attempt at reconciliation and ending it later is far more hurtful than just ending it now.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, seeing himself through my eyes-knowing what he had done and the pain he caused was very difficult for my husband- especially before the year mark- he had hoped I would heal faster, he had no idea how much his actions would hurt me-he had "doubts" about us as well, we talked about it- I let him know the door was wide open-in or out... decide..... in MC is when he realized it was his guilt and shame eating away at him, every time he saw me happy he thought 'dang I miss that in her" every time he saw me sad he thought "dang, I caused that". It was brutal on him-

 

Not sure if this is where it stems for you or not- just sharing my experience- we are 3+ years post dday and he is just starting to forgive himself, to understand himself better- its a long, tough road- he is a big, strong executive type reduced to a vomiting mess of a human in therapy- not fun for either of us-

[S2B]

Are you still with us original poster?

[waterwoman]

Oh save me! You are forgetting about yourself? Well considering that you forgot about your wife for the duration of the affair it's clear that state of things wouldn't last long. WTF do you think you are doing? Six months is nothing ...nothing! And guess what..... this is your wife's time. Right now you should be thinking of her and her alone. You had your time when you were acting out.

 

What do you do?

 

1. If you aren't all in, get out and stay out. Be honest. Tell her that 6 months of thinking of her, of being unselfish, of letting her heal is just too much like hard work. But don't think she will want you back later - you don't get to hurt her, turn her world upside down and then go lukewarm. Or...

 

2. Get some counselling to sort out your thinking. and make sure your wife also goes - she has a hell of a lot more to recover from than you do.

 

Oh and here's a newsflash for you! Marriage is never all that anyone wants - it can't be as it is a compromise between two people who (presumably) loved each other at one point. Marriage is the foundation of your life, not it's purpose. Use this as an opportunity to improve it with proper communication and a generous heart, but never ever assume it is going to be the be all and end all and make you happy. Happiness comes from you. You make your marriage happy not the other way around.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Oh save me! You are forgetting about yourself? Well considering that you forgot about your wife for the duration of the affair it's clear that state of things wouldn't last long. WTF do you think you are doing? Six months is nothing ...nothing! And guess what..... this is your wife's time. Right now you should be thinking of her and her alone. You had your time when you were acting out.

 

What do you do?

 

1. If you aren't all in, get out and stay out. Be honest. Tell her that 6 months of thinking of her, of being unselfish, of letting her heal is just too much like hard work. But don't think she will want you back later - you don't get to hurt her, turn her world upside down and then go lukewarm. Or...

 

2. Get some counselling to sort out your thinking. and make sure your wife also goes - she has a hell of a lot more to recover from than you do.

 

Oh and here's a newsflash for you! Marriage is never all that anyone wants - it can't be as it is a compromise between two people who (presumably) loved each other at one point. Marriage is the foundation of your life, not it's purpose. Use this as an opportunity to improve it with proper communication and a generous heart, but never ever assume it is going to be the be all and end all and make you happy. Happiness comes from you. You make your marriage happy not the other way around.

 

 

If I could like this a thousands times, I'd do it!

 

OP, really....so awful....

[ladydesigner]

And guess what..... this is your wife's time. Right now you should be thinking of her and her alone. You had your time when you were acting out.

 

Exactly! Love this post!

 

OP you are in for a rude awakening.

[Joie]

I think it is okay to realize you were unhappy prior to the affair. I also think this is one of the reasons marriage counseling is so important. Your wife is very fragile right now. A MC that you both trust would allow you to talk about what is causing you to be unhappy without using it as an excuse for the affair or blaming her. It is also a neutral party who can point out if you are being realistic in your expectations.

 

In MC my husband complained that he needed more me time. After I lost my cool about the fact he had a ton of "me" time during the affair. Our MC was able to redirect us to address that issue. How much time does he need. How much time can I give. How can we do this while I don't trust him.

 

For us it involved him having one night a week with the guys but he agreed to always answer the phone and wake up the next morning with the kids. It also involved us going out together doing things he likes concerts, gambling, etc.

 

The most important thing is to communicate with her! She may have no idea you are upset but since you think about it all the time you assume she knows.

[merrmeade]

Hi, I'm in reconciliation with my wife, I had an affair and ultimately ended it, confessed and have been working on me and the relationship between me and my wife for 6 months. I regret what I did and the hurt I've caused, I haven't yet even started to forgive myself but have accepted I will need to.

 

It's all been going fairly well and I've been so happy but then 2 days ago everything just fell apart - for me at least. Reflecting on everything I learnt since ending the affair and how well R was going I suddenly realised I was forgetting me.

 

I realised that my why's had led me into a marriage where I accepted less than I wanted in the first place. i don't like thinking about this but I can't escape that conclusion now and I've just broken down. My wife doesn't understand because I'm not great at explaining as I'm so down at the moment. I'm trying to work through it and understand if the marriage can become more.

 

All I can think of is separating to be alone and work on me.

 

Anyone else ever experience this in R? I'm trying to stay calm and not just run away and, instead, think clearly but I'm a mess right now.

I agree with everything that's been said. In fact, I think they're being pretty damn understanding and polite considering they know very well what your wife is probably going through right now.

 

I bolded certain things because I know it's hard for some waywards to understand that their betrayed spouse can be absolutely devastated by the suggestion that the WS is actually feeling like a victim in any way about anything. It feels like a double blow for the same thing, so I would be very careful how you try to explain this new set of realizations to her. Anyway, that's how I have always looked at it, and it's the only way that makes sense to me as a BS. My husband was thinking only about himself before, during and after the affair - but especially during. He hurt me with utterly colossal betrayal and deceit on the level of abuse. So how is it possible that he could consider feeling hurt (for whatever reason) as important as the hurt he gave me?

 

I'm talking about the early days - and 6 months is way early - of course. But do you see my point? It's going to be hard to convey without crushing her, so why don't you get some help in the form of both individual counseling and couples therapy?

[merrmeade]

Oh save me! You are forgetting about yourself? Well considering that you forgot about your wife for the duration of the affair it's clear that state of things wouldn't last long. WTF do you think you are doing? Six months is nothing ...nothing! And guess what..... this is your wife's time. Right now you should be thinking of her and her alone. You had your time when you were acting out.

 

What do you do?

 

1. If you aren't all in, get out and stay out. Be honest. Tell her that 6 months of thinking of her, of being unselfish, of letting her heal is just too much like hard work. But don't think she will want you back later - you don't get to hurt her, turn her world upside down and then go lukewarm. Or...

 

2. Get some counselling to sort out your thinking. and make sure your wife also goes - she has a hell of a lot more to recover from than you do.

 

Oh and here's a newsflash for you! Marriage is never all that anyone wants - it can't be as it is a compromise between two people who (presumably) loved each other at one point. Marriage is the foundation of your life, not it's purpose. Use this as an opportunity to improve it with proper communication and a generous heart, but never ever assume it is going to be the be all and end all and make you happy. Happiness comes from you. You make your marriage happy not the other way around.

Yeah, I was waiting for this. Held myself back considering everyone else's respectful restraint, but, yeah, waterwoman's laying it out pretty straight.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I think he might have decided this is all a bit too much everyone....poor chap...?!?...

 

If you're still lurking Mr, face your own demons and stop laying responsibility for your poor choices at your devastated wife's feet. That's just despicably cruel.

 

She has her own battle with what you've done. Don't add another sword.