I am the OP's BS.

[LostinScience]

< moderator note: this post has been moved to its own thread from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/591879-ws-not-telling-whole-truth >

 

So, this is my first post here. I'd like it to be a warning to others, if possible.

 

I am the OP's BS. I'm late to this thread because I only found out about these revelations a few hours ago.

 

This thread has been valuable for me. My wife never thought I would read her posts here, that gives me an incredibly rare view into her unedited (unedited for me that is) thoughts. As most here predicted, I was not thrilled to find out i'd been treated like a child, with knowledge withheld or given depending on if the teller thinks I can handle it. This is how you might treat a child, not a partner.

 

The knowledge that she did more with her AP than I previous knew was bad, yes. However, it was learning that she continued the relationship long after DDay, using her knowledge of how i might check up on her to evade detection, that has my heart racing, my stomach in knots, and my whole world reeling. She lied directly to my face, and made me feel paranoid and awful for thinking there was more to it than I knew about. She has been gaslighting me for months now, and as a result I can't trust anything she says.

 

Can we fix this? Honestly I don't know. She didn't come clean this time, i found out when I opened a random document. The underlying, horrible bedrock this situation for me, is that she has never, not once, confronted me with the truth. I've always had to discover it on my own.

 

I live now, in fear of the next revelation. I didn't ask her for more details because I thought I had them all. Once the seal was broken, I wanted everything, even the horrible details. Instead i have this person lying in bed next to me who word is now worthless, telling me she that *just last month* she had fallen out of love with the AP, and can think about him with indifference.

 

 

I have a lot of work to do now. I need to guard my heart and try to rebuild a life. The old relationship is dead, the old me is dead. The new me has move forward. I have no other choice.

Edited September 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added note ~6

[BluesPower]

Well then, what are you going to do now???

 

You know the extent of the affair and the lying. How are you doing?

 

Do you still love your wife? Does she still love you?

 

I can tell you that if you love each other it can work out. My wife and I are working a ton of stuff out, and so far so good.

 

Just try to take your time with everything. And work on yourself. I am sorry that you are going through all this.

 

Post all you want because we have all been there one way or another.

 

Hang tough, take your time, and good luck to you...

[LostinScience]

Well then, what are you going to do now???

 

You know the extent of the affair and the lying. How are you doing?

 

Do you still love your wife? Does she still love you?

 

I can tell you that if you love each other it can work out. My wife and I are working a ton of stuff out, and so far so good.

 

Just try to take your time with everything. And work on yourself. I am sorry that you are going through all this.

 

Post all you want because we have all been there one way or another.

 

Hang tough, take your time, and good luck to you...

 

I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm still reeling. I feel sick and destroyed, all the usual for a Dday. The difference this time is i know I'm not at fault. Unfortunately, that makes me more than a bit angry. So right now, in this raw state, I'm probably going to do nothing until I can calm down.

 

Yes I still love her, and I have to assume she's not lying to me when she says she loves me. She needs to work on herself if she wants to have even a chance at getting me back. No more insisting that *I* be the one that goes on anti depressants, or that *I* be the one that goes to a therapist.

 

The real killer here, the one that gets me the most, is not the original EA. It's the lying, long after she saw what the affair did to us. I can't understand it at all. It doesn't jibe with the person I thought I knew for these last 22 years.

 

The pain is overwhelming right now. I'm lashing out (emotionally) at her and not liking myself for it. This time, unlike last time, she is rolling with the blows. It's frightening try watch myself this way.

[darkbloom]

Do you feel like you'll ever be able to forgive her?

 

It's not the cheating that messes with your head. It's the lying and manipulation around the cheating.

[harrybrown]

one thing to really consider now.

 

She should write you a timeline and diary of the A.

 

You should also have your wife help you tell the OM's spouse about their A.

 

That should help to remove temptation for her to continue.

 

Hopefully she stopped all contact. Have her prove to you that she has stopped all contact.

 

and she should be willing to do whatever she did with the OM that she mentioned in her posts.

 

She should stop protecting the OM and start protecting you by exposing the OM to his wife. She did not respect you. Has she gotten her respect back for you?

 

Has she become transparent with her phone and computer?

 

are you sure that you do not want to D? How can she prove to you that she will not do this again to you?

 

It would be good for you to see a counselor like affair recovery. You can find them online.

 

If you do not have kids, do not get her pregnant right now. Talk to an attorney to see what are your options.

 

She should have told you the entire truth. She should be helping you heal.

 

What is she doing to help you heal?

 

good luck to you. How would she feel if you had an A?

 

ask her that and why can't she be totally honest with you now? she should put in writing everything she did with him.

 

Get help soon and watch out for yourself.

[Whoknew30]

I understand your frustration but if I were in her shoes (if what she's saying in her post was true) I can see why she would have withheld. Living with someone that has emotional issues isn't easy (does not excuse A at all!) & if she thought you were going to self harm & that's the actual reason she didn't tell you...that's a really tough spot to be in to be 100% honest.

 

I completely see why you feel the way you do (I'm sure I would too) but ive never been in a place where I've wanted to harm myself & how tough that would be for a spouse...she doesn't trust you enough emotionally to be honest & now you don't trust her bc she's lied...it's almost a catch 22.

 

Hopefully you both can into intense IC & MC bc this is extremely unhealthy relationship. No spouse should have to fear their spouse is going to take their own life (no matter the situation) & no spouse should feel their spouse will never be honest. My heart goes out to both of you...good luck to you guys

 

Both my H Uncle & his brother committed suicided from finding out about their wife's affairs & it destroyed their family for years...both wives now wished they had never told...it's why I see both sides.

[BluesPower]

Look lost I have been there and you know what she does have to win you back. I told my wife the same exact thing.

 

It is just like finding out about it all over again. Been there done that.

 

But just think about some of this. You have to keep your S*** together and calm down if at all possible. I know that it is hard, but you have to try.

 

If you can't, then take a few days off and get away so you can think and decompress.

 

Also, you DO have to get a handle on your depression and anxiety, you really do. There is no shame in having to take Anti-D's, none at all. I do and it really helps me a ton. I am actually happy some of the time.

 

Take your time, don't make any decisions yet at all.

 

Just hang tough and deal with the pain in as healthy a way as you can. And don't start drinking a lot, man just don't.

 

Post here and let it out. We have all been through this and nobody knows who you are. So that is a win win. If you are angry or crying there is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Just hang tough, It may seem like it but this is really not the end of the world no matter what happens.

 

Be strong....

[GoldenR]

So when she was posting here, saying she had been NC for however long (I don't remember), that wasn't true?

[BluesPower]

No, I think that was the truth. He is just freaked out about the details that he is finding out now.

[GoldenR]

BluesPower, this quote is what I'm referring to.

 

The knowledge that she did more with her AP than I previous knew was bad, yes. However, it was learning that she continued the relationship long after DDay, using her knowledge of how i might check up on her to evade detection, that has my heart racing, my stomach in knots, and my whole world reeling. She lied directly to my face, and made me feel paranoid and awful for thinking there was more to it than I knew about. She has been gaslighting me for months now, and as a result I can't trust anything she says.

[LostinScience]

So when she was posting here, saying she had been NC for however long (I don't remember), that wasn't true?

 

No, as far as I can tell it's true. The letter I found detailed two things. First it talked about how the affair was sexual and not just emotional. The second and most damning part, is that she was still in contact with him after (more than a year after) dday. The details in the first part are pretty appalling, but nowhere near as bad as the second.

 

Also about depression. My wife suffers from it too. She tried anti D's and gave up because she said they made her feel flat. She never tried anything else. Maybe the affair was her second drug.

 

I do not and have never self harmed. My wife however has. She cuts. I would see the cuts on her skin and she would tell me she did it to stop thinking about how much she wanted to talk to her AP. I have had suicidal thoughts before, so has she.

 

The OM wife suffers from MS. There are days I can barely power through, I can't imagine what it would be like to feel this way and also be chronicallyly tired. I've not told her because of that (yes, I'm a hypocrite) and Nevada I really thought, my wife encouraged me to think it was both over and just emotional. Neither was true. Now I face the prospect of telling this woman that i SAT on information concerning her for almost two years. She was friendly with my wife as well. There was also some self defense in there. My wife runs a business that depends on her reputation, and we depend on her business. I feel trapped by that.

 

We have 3 children (16,12,8) and they don't know. Until today I thought nobody besides my therapist knew. Turns out wife told my father (he cheated on my. Mother decades ago). He advised her not to give me details. I'll need to unpack that later on.

 

Right now I cannot bear her touch. It's as if something fundamental has changed (I would guess I'm not getting oxytocin anymore). I long for it but cannot stand it.

 

Despite all that, I'm staying. I was healing. I woke up this morning and felt good. It's hard to believe this is the same day.

[BluesPower]

Or did he just play around on the internet. Neither option is really that much better, I do think it may be worse if they actually had sex. But not really that much for me.

 

It is always the lying that hurts the most.

 

Hang tough, you can do this...

[LostinScience]

Or did he just play around on the internet. Neither option is really that much better, I do think it may be worse if they actually had sex. But not really that much for me.

 

It is always the lying that hurts the most.

 

Hang tough, you can do this...

 

He lives 800 miles away and is not well off enough to just up and travel. That said, I don't know what to believe. She's reading this thread almost certainly, and saying that will likely hurt her deeply, because i can no longer believe even the basics.

 

What they did was have daily sext sessions, recordings were made and exchanged. A sex toy was bought to match his shape. Is that sex? It hardly matters at this point.

 

She's making a timeline for me. If have been in a better place to believe it had she handed it to me on D-day, or last year, or even yesterday.

 

I have no safe space anymore. I'm calling out of work sick, even though I'm on a tight schedule. I can't muster the energy to get up and out even if I wanted to. Tomorrow will probably be worse because at least I slept last night.

[GoldenR]

The sex toy to match him.....that's rough. I'm very sorry, brother. I know this is devastating.

[seren]

At the top of the list of threads is one that says what every WS needs to know, in there is a file I found useful to explain to my WS just how important truth is. It is called, Letter to the WS, I posted it some years back and it is still relevant. Like most of us BS we get trickle truth, their truth, our imagination and in the middle of this jumble, the real truth. My H withheld something for months after D Day, we were on track, we were working together to heal our marriage, then out of nowhere he told me something that took me back to -square one, it felt even worse than the initial disclosure because I trusted he had told the truth. he said that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he needed to. Well I said, I decide what I need to know, I decide if I want to reconcile our marriage based upon truth. Only truth gives informed choice and everyone should be given truth to help make the decision to stay or go.

 

I once said to my H that if he could have a window into how the A all but broke me and us, would he have done it, he said no, of course. I just think some people do things without thinking about how it will impact upon another, and double standard time, would be as hurt as we are by infidelity were the boot on the other foot. If you don't have the truth, then demand it, if you do, then take time to process it, to understand what you can forgive and whether your marriage has a chance, if you want it to. Of course right now you feel angry, hurt and not sure what is fact or not or if there is more.

 

Me and my H are 9 yrs on from D Day and so happy I could spin, but, we also have his A as part of our history and for that, he will always hate that man he was. I don't hate that man, but I hate A's with all that I have. If I thought for a heartbeat that he still thought about the OW with fondness I would be out of here. I looked at what I had to lose and the first and most important thing was the 23+ of a wonderful marriage, and balanced that by what the A really was. I made a decision based upon truth and made an informed choice to stay and do not regret it for a moment. Draw your line in the sand of what you are prepared to accept, if you can forgive and even if you want to. The thought of starting anew is scary, but staying somewhere that makes you unhappy will do that too. Look up the letter, print it out and give it to your wife, maybe there isn't anymore and maybe there is.

[Rubix Cubed]

standard advice > Get some sleep meds and make sure you drink water and eat regularly. Don't drink alcohol.<

Give yourself some time to decide how you want to proceed. Decisions this important need to be made with a clear head. Contacting the OMW is the right thing to do, and it will put a second set of eyes on possible future contact. You shouldn't be the one having to shoulder keeping your wife's secret, she made the mess let her deal with it. Business and all.

As far as your Dad's advice to her, I'd have a real hard time letting that go.

[Steadfast]

Spring has sprung, summer's past and people are still cheating on their spouses.

 

Two points for you tonight.

 

1) Your wife isn't looking for help, she's looking for the magic validation that'll ease her guilt about not being honest. Her fears are keeping her, but only on *her* terms, not *your* (as in a mutual decision) terms. This entitlement is the at root of her issues. Her worries about your mental condition are likely a handy method of displaying noble care and concern, but if she really cared she wouldn't screw you over to begin with. Fact.

 

2) Digest that your wife is hot for another guy, then discard it. Big deal. People make bad decisions all the time and it just so happens you're in the middle of one. Do not leave your home or children, but if she's agreeable, send her away and allow you to sort your plan of action, which should be divorce. That's what I'd do (or did) but living your life under the current cloud of despair is not living. It's dying. You need a clean start and a woman who loves YOU. Not some old boyfriend. You're better than this!

 

Be kind to her and agreeable in matters regarding the children. Always do what's best for them first, but that doesn't include staying in a relationship that is a lie. When they are older, they will benefit from your example.

 

See the above ^^ for excellent advice on breathing, diet and exercise.

[Cephalopod]

First off, her using the OM-shaped phallus toy while she sexted with him was indeed sex. It was real sex, because in her mind it was real. Women live inside their heads 75 percent of the time. In fact, it was more real to her than having physical sex with you.

 

Sex of the mind, coupled with all the endorphins being released, the imagery, the rampant emotions, the communication...those are all stimuli that are extremely powerful to a woman.

 

Second, she does love you. But it is not romantic love. It's a filial love, more like what she would feel towards a close brother or dad. The love she feels for her OM was a deep, soul encompassing, romantic love. You are her husband, sperm donor, her co-parenting partner, buddy and monetary support assistant.

 

The OM was/is her lover. You can never compete with him.

 

I think she feels guilty for what she did. I think she feels embarrassment and shame. But all those are inward facing emotions, aimed at herself. Those are selfish emotions. Empathy is taking your pain and making it her own....doing whatever she has to do to ease your pain and help you heal from what she did to you, regardless of the costs to herself. By lying to you, stonewalling, trickle-truth in and gas-lighting you, she was protecting herself from further embarrassment, further shame, and the threat of you leaving and divorcing her.

 

Everything she has done up to this point was to protect herself and avoid the consequences if what she did. She thinks that giving up her boyfriend and staying with you is all the penance she should pay. She thinks you should be grateful that she tried to hide the truth from you.

[merrmeade]

Well then, what are you going to do now??? You know the extent of the affair and the lying. How are you doing? Do you still love your wife? Does she still love you?

THIS kind of question ^^^ can feel like a demand to take a stand before the BS is ready and creates extra pressure. Some posts were like that for me in the beginning.

I can tell you that if you love each other it can work out. My wife and I are working a ton of stuff out, and so far so good.

 

Just try to take your time with everything. And work on yourself. I am sorry that you are going through all this.

 

Post all you want because we have all been there one way or another.

 

Hang tough, take your time, and good luck to you...

But this ^^^^ goes a long way - imo.

[aileD]

oh man. oh man.

 

I'll say the same thing I told her in her post--

 

Some people can get past their partner's affair. And some people just can't.

 

it doesn't make one person better than the other, it's just something inside you that you either can do or can't do.

 

You don't know where you are now. Sometimes for us BS, the lies hurt more than the act, the words that were said to AP and promises made hurt more. I hear ya.

 

My story is awful, and we are reconciling and it's going pretty good. So there IS hope. If you can get there. But if you can't, that's ok too.

 

Take it slow, take some time alone. Go to counseling Individually.

 

Oh, there is something called "discernment counseling". It's not marriage counseling. It's 6-8 weeks of sessions with you and your spouse that will help you make a decision on whether or not you can/should/want to stay together. Me and my WS went through it, it opened our eyes to some stuff.

It's not to sway you either way, just to kind of assess things and by the end you have a clearer picture of where the marriage is headed or not headed.

 

I wish you luck. If you ever get to 50 posts, PM me, because I can relate to you.

[aliveagain]

Expose him if he is married. Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and options. Talk to your lawyer about a post nuptial agreement since your wife's word means sh*t. Not telling you all the truth is not about protecting you it's about protecting her. Getting a dildo shaped like the other man is pretty extreme, the only thing missing is the exchange of bodily fluids(unless she mailed him her used under garments used in their sexting).

 

The things that bothered me about other men is that it's your wife that invited them into your marriage. She now looked to them for their validation and in doing so cuckolded you. You went from the head of the household to janitor and you couldn't even defend yourself because you were lied into believing it wasn't happening. They shared a world that you were not part of and all the secrets and sexual fantasy's within it were hidden from you intentionally. They both really got off on that knowledge. So what are you going to do about it? I suggest you start by taking yourself out of infidelity. Decide what that looks like then act on it because whatever it is you need to feel safe. Change your bedroom, redecorate it, make her pay for the cost, most of the video's probably took place there. Mail his penis facsimile to his wife, maybe she can beat some sense into him with it. Your last option is to buy her a one way ticket to other man.

Edited September 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[wmacbride]

I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'm still reeling. I feel sick and destroyed, all the usual for a Dday. The difference this time is i know I'm not at fault. Unfortunately, that makes me more than a bit angry. So right now, in this raw state, I'm probably going to do nothing until I can calm down.

 

Yes I still love her, and I have to assume she's not lying to me when she says she loves me. She needs to work on herself if she wants to have even a chance at getting me back. No more insisting that *I* be the one that goes on anti depressants, or that *I* be the one that goes to a therapist.

 

The real killer here, the one that gets me the most, is not the original EA. It's the lying, long after she saw what the affair did to us. I can't understand it at all. It doesn't jibe with the person I thought I knew for these last 22 years.

 

The pain is overwhelming right now. I'm lashing out (emotionally) at her and not liking myself for it. This time, unlike last time, she is rolling with the blows. It's frightening try watch myself this way.

 

I'm not suggesting that you either divorce or reconcile. What I am asking you to keep in mind is that people can love each other but that doesn't mean they should be married.

[Sub]

My situation unfolded very much like yours. My W was horrible at covering her tracks, and I got a majority of the answers I wanted, plus some, by snooping through emails, texts, etc. after D-Day. I often feel the way she handled me after finding out about her A is harder to deal with than the actual A itself. Who is this person? How could they be so cold? How can they fall asleep so easily?

 

I guess I would ask: do you think the woman you've read about on her thread and heard through her words post D-Day is the same woman you were with prior to the A? If not, how did she get to that point? What do you think changed her? And if not, would that give you some hope to move forward with her?

 

Also, the big thing I learned through that whole post D-Day mindf**k: you are responsible for your own happiness. Not her. You have value beyond her validation of you, wanting you, etc.

[wmacbride]

My husband had an A more than 9 years ago, and we were able to reconcile. We have been able to have many wonderful experiences because of that.

 

BUT

 

That was us, and it was the right thing to do given our situation What s the right thing fro your situation? Only you know, and right now, even you may not be sure.

Whatever you decide, take your time. I know there can be a temptation to simply power through all the negative feelings as fast as you can, but it takes a long , long time to come back from this level of deception. It can be done, but it requires absolute honesty, hard work and a long time. Can you both do that?

[Lion Heart]

What struck me silent to your wayward wife's thread that I saw no point in responding was THIS.

 

I'm pleased to be able to communicate this to you...

 

IF part of *her reasoning* of NOT being completely honest and transparent was that she was 'so concerned' for YOUR mental health, because you had had issues with depression and suicide SINCE YOUR TEENS.....

 

That NOW it's not a good idea to tell you the truth about her affair?

 

HEY I WANTED TO SAY WAKE UP SUNSHINE!

 

IF this WW WAS so concerned for you at all then WHY HAVE AN AFFAIR AT ALL???

 

I call BS on that call of hers.

 

Guilt?

Mmmmm.

Now the other side is coming through...guilt and remorse are NOT shown by continuing the A long after D Day.

 

12 months longer?

Wow.

So much concern. None.

 

The fact you exposed also that she has never willingly come forth with information nor disclosures to you. That you had to find out yourself.

 

Many cheating spouses DO take their affairs "underground" whilst PRETENDING to be "all that". Whatever's on that list of yours. Yep. Done. Back to the affair.

 

The ONE THING I AM SO HAPPY I DID immediately (after finding out x amount on D Day) was kick them out.

 

THIS action alone tells me IF they'll go racing off to their affair partner.

No stalking needed lol.

 

You THINK you depend upon her business.

You don't at all.

 

You'll have to think very clearly about HOW you will survive raising the children on your income alone.

 

That's the reality you're facing.

 

The M other "man" is about to have his long term affair exposed.

His BW may kick him out.

He may leave his ailing BW.

 

THIS is the true test of their 'love'. Or whether it's been a lesser involved affair.

 

The cheating spouses MAY run off together.

 

Good riddance IMHO. At the very least it's over fast!

 

No more trickle truthing to you with false reasoning.

No more affair garbage to find out going forward.

 

Just a mere TWO more families devastated by selfish spouses and uncaring parents. I really don't care HOW much a WS espouses their fabulous parenting. Betraying a whole family, or two in this case, is NOT good parenting. IMHO ofcourse.

 

There are SO MANY lovely people out there who've suffered betrayal by their spouse. These people GET IT.

No one understands the DEPTH OF THE SHOCK and horror we go through. They just don't have the CHARACTER to do so. They didn't have the character in the first place to have an affair of any type.

 

Best wishes.

Hopefully this is THE singularly worst thing you'll ever endure. I hope so.

 

Lion Heart