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Surprise!


Heregoes

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Don't know what advice anyone can give at this point, maybe I just need to talk.

 

I got a text message from a number I didn't know last week. It just said "Hey man, you don't know me, but I wanted to give you a heads up. Your wife has been cheating on you for as long as I've worked with her. It's with a guy here named (coworker)."

 

I recognize the name as someone she worked with, so I knew it wasn't just random.

 

I asked the person who they were. The only response I got was "Not giving you my name, just thought it was ridiculous that most people here know it, and no one ever said ****. I've had this happen to me, and it sucks."

 

The person wouldn't answer after that.

 

I've been married almost twelve years, and had never had any suspicions whatsoever. I showed it to my wife, and she said she barely knows the other guy. Someone at work must be trying to start trouble. She said she would never do anything like that.

 

I'm the kind of person who has to pick at every thread. I have a hard time just leaving things alone. I started doing some research on the guy. I did find his social media stuff, and put together that he was divorced.

I managed to find his ex-wife's name, and also a couple of email addresses for her.

I made a fake email account, and sent a message to both emails. Basicallly asking if her divorce was because of cheating, and described the message I had gotten. I didn't tell her who I was. I just told her I was concerned, and that I would appreciate it if she knew anything that would help me.

 

I didn't get any response until two nights ago. All it said was, "Is this your wife?", and a photo of my wife giving oral sex to someone. Photo looks like it was taken by the person on the receiving end, and I can't see his face, but hers is plain as day.

 

I never expected this. I didn't expect a response at all. I confronted my wife. She really didn't have a lot to say. She started to say it wasn't her, but she abandoned that pretty fast. She didn't even apologize, just kind of sat there staring at the wall.

I took our daughter and went to my brothers house. We've been here since. All I've heard from her since is that we can go back home, she's not going to be there anymore. She won't respond to anything else. I only know she went to work today.

 

Anyway, I guess I have to call attornies now. Im just still in shock at the moment. A week ago, everything is fine, now it's all gone. I actually believed her when she said it was just someone starting trouble. I never had any idea this was something I had to worry about.

 

I guess I just wanted to vent a little. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.

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After all those years of marriage she at least owed you the truth. Talk to a lawyer, move back into the house, change the locks. It will take you a lifetime to get that photograph out of your head. Sorry for your pain. You know they are really far gone when they let their affair partner photograph their sexual acts. They probably have video's too, save the photo somewhere safe, give it to your lawyer. Ask the other betrayed spouse for any other materials that she may have, it could help you with child custody and settlement.

Edited by aliveagain
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Your clearly a great man. Not to many people deal with these things this quickly and this well. I would file for divorce and push for full custody.

 

I was with a serial cheater for ten years. The last time I caught her I kicked her out. She had no problem running straight to the other guy. Your seeing the same thing. She is showing you she has no real remorse for her actions. If you receive anything from her at this point it will be regret and not real remorse.

 

I would file and go 180 on her. Don't talk to her about anything other than your child and the divorce.

 

The more you show her you wont put up with what she did the quicker you will see a change in her if she really wants her marriage to work.

 

C

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This is why it is so important you tell the other betrayed spouse when you discover the affair. Had the other betrayed spouse tried finding you years ago your marriage might of had a chance. Your wife has made her choice, other man over you and your child, protect your child, protect your finances, change your banking, get her off your charge cards immediately. Everything you keep goes to you and your child, don't finance her affair. Let her see how life without you will be like.

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I guess I just wanted to vent a little. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.

 

First off, welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

May be hard for you to believe right now, but you've actually been spared some of the heartbreak and mental agony that accompanies uncertainty. Many of us took months or years to get the answers you already have, kudos for getting there so quickly.

 

Now slow down and follow the good advice you've already been given about legal counsel. Some marriages have survived this, many don't even try. A number of the bigger moving pieces are out of your hands, let them play out.

 

One day at a time. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As aliveagain said talk to a lawyer. That doesn’t mean that you will ultimately get a divorce but you will know where you stand. Even after you file you can call off a divorce. The first meeting with a lawyer is often free. Ask them about changing the locks or not. You might want to separate your finances. Ask the lawyer about that too.

 

In my opinion divorce should always be on the table as an option. May men want their old life back ASAP and offer reconciliation ® right out of the gate. This is bad because it sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. It sends the message that what your wife did must not be that bad after all because there are no consequences. Plus the fact that she risked everything needs to sink in. If a problem is fixed immediately then it wasn’t much of a problem.

 

Think of yourself as her boring dad that provides stability and security. She takes you for granted because that’s what dad’s do. Think of her as your teenage daughter that’s seeing the bay boy that lives down the street that you don’t approve of. She had the perfect life with him providing excitement and you providing a place to stay.

 

If you beg her to work thing out she will try to keep her room and the boyfriend because you made it clear that you love her so much that you will never kick her out of the house. You need to make it clear that she can have the boyfriend or her room(stability and security) but not both.

 

Personally I would tell her that she obviously loves the other man (OM) very much indeed to risk everything for him. That you will not stand in the way of her happiness and offer to pack her bags. Tell her that the OM is divorced so you want to clear the way for them to get married.

 

By the way a major topic of their conversations was how bad their marriages were. It gave them something to talk about and an excuse for their affair.

 

 

The quickest way to stop some lover boy from messing with your wife is to let him have her.

 

Dudes don't @#$@ married women because they want them for themselves. They @#$@ married women so they can have some occasional fun with them but not have to deal with them all the time and don't have to rub their feet and hang out with their friends and relatives and don't have to put up with them all the time.

 

Married women are for extra part time fun on the side, not to have as your primary relationship.

Edited by Buckeye2
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Thanks for the responses. As for keeping the marriage, it hasn't even crossed my mind. I can't imagine it after seeing that photo. I also get what was said about at least not having to live with doubt. I guess that's better, but it doesn't feel like it.

I sent a couple of emails back to the guys wife, but she hasn't responded. I'm assuming that she must have gotten that picture from his phone, which is why they divorced. I honestly don't even know how old the picture is, but she cut her hair short last summer, so it's at least a year old. She also has her ring on.

Christ. It's tough to look at, but I keep doing it.

I don't understand why his wife wouldn't have found me and told me immediately. It doesn't make sense.

I took the week off from work. All I can do is start getting business covered now.

It's not really sinking in. I had a perfectly normal and happy life this time last week.

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Cheaters usually only admit to what is being shown to them. I'm sure you still have what is the tip of the iceberg, but better to have that then nothing.

 

Sorry you find yourself here in this hell. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too! Remember to eat and drink water and get as much sleep as you can!

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GunslingerRoland

Really harsh... sounds like she must have expected this to be coming for a long time, since he's already gotten divorced and so many people know about it.

 

 

It'll be interesting to see if she's happy to move on with her life, or comes back once she realizes what she has lost.

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I don't understand why his wife wouldn't have found me and told me immediately. It doesn't make sense.

 

The other man's wife (OMW) didn't contact you because the OM was protecting your wife. She didn't know who to contact.

 

 

 

 

She started to say it wasn't her, but she abandoned that pretty fast. She didn't even apologize, just kind of sat there staring at the wall.

 

 

Your wife has been fearing that the other shoe would drop for some time now. If a lot of time has passed she may have finally relaxed and become confident that the OMW would never contact you.

 

 

She was staring at the wall because it finally happened and she was in shock.

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The other man's wife (OMW) didn't contact you because the OM was protecting your wife. She didn't know who to contact.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your wife has been fearing that the other shoe would drop for some time now. If a lot of time has passed she may have finally relaxed and become confident that the OMW would never contact you.

 

 

She was staring at the wall because it finally happened and she was in shock.

 

Right?! :laugh: this is a great post for all WS's reading and thinking no one will ever find out!

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"I've been married almost twelve years, and had never had any suspicions whatsoever. I showed it to my wife, and she said she barely knows the other guy. Someone at work must be trying to start trouble. She said she would never do anything like that."

 

Remember this ^^^.

 

I predict what's going to happen. You're going to divorce. She'll get dumped. She'll crawl back right to you.

 

Stay strong my friend, the next 6 months will be difficult. Don't be surprised if your wife uses sex as a way to get you back. Don't fall for that. Think of the pic. Use that anger to go after her.

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"I've been married almost twelve years, and had never had any suspicions whatsoever. I showed it to my wife, and she said she barely knows the other guy. Someone at work must be trying to start trouble. She said she would never do anything like that."

 

Remember this ^^^.

 

I predict what's going to happen. You're going to divorce. She'll get dumped. She'll crawl back right to you.

 

Stay strong my friend, the next 6 months will be difficult. Don't be surprised if your wife uses sex as a way to get you back. Don't fall for that. Think of the pic. Use that anger to go after her.

 

^^^ This and all the 'nice' words to suck you back in.

 

Also get ready for any blameshifting too... this comes next... where they blame the BS for the A :rolleyes:... don't fall for that either!

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Thanks for the responses. As for keeping the marriage, it hasn't even crossed my mind. I can't imagine it after seeing that photo. I also get what was said about at least not having to live with doubt. I guess that's better, but it doesn't feel like it.

I sent a couple of emails back to the guys wife, but she hasn't responded. I'm assuming that she must have gotten that picture from his phone, which is why they divorced. I honestly don't even know how old the picture is, but she cut her hair short last summer, so it's at least a year old. She also has her ring on.

Christ. It's tough to look at, but I keep doing it.

I don't understand why his wife wouldn't have found me and told me immediately. It doesn't make sense.

I took the week off from work. All I can do is start getting business covered now.

It's not really sinking in. I had a perfectly normal and happy life this time last week.

 

Heregoes, keep the photo for your lawyer safe, depending on where you live it may affect your settlement and your child custody. Are you in a fault state, area or are you in a no fault area? Again depending on where you live, your photograph is proof if you were to pursue an Alienation of Affection lawsuit against the other man. You really need to talk to a lawyer. We always advice people to tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair because they have the right to know the truth. They always lie about having protected sex, did you see him wearing a condom, I didn't think so. They never have safe sex so please get tested for all STD's.

Edited by aliveagain
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^^^ This and all the 'nice' words to suck you back in.

 

Also get ready for any blameshifting too... this comes next... where they blame the BS for the A :rolleyes:... don't fall for that either!

 

Lady, forgot bout the blame shifting. Yeah, that one hurts as well. "It's your fault I took my clothes off".

 

Remember, we all have a choice. She decided to make you expendable. I think the marriage could be salvageable if she initially admitted to the affair when confronted.

 

Attorney is going to become your partner for the next year or so. And that's fine. Go get some IC and grab some male friends for a brewskis. Come and vent here on LS.

 

And oh yeah, I've heard of stories, where the wife pleaded and persuaded the hubby for a quickie and Bam, Preggo. Do NOT get her Pregnant.

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I don't understand why his wife wouldn't have found me and told me immediately. It doesn't make sense.

 

Sounds like, based on her "Is this your wife?" question, she may not have known you even existed. Not every BS wants all the details...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If you’re getting a divorce then you’ll want your wife to keep her job. If she doesn’t you might have to pay more alimony. Think hard before letting her employer know that she had an affair with a co-worker. There may be a policy against it or they may have done it on company time.

 

 

If you wanted to R then you should tell her employer to break them up.

 

Also you have such overwhelming evidence that she couldn’t even think about polishing that turd. So it was easier to take off. When the reality sinks in that she has nowhere else to go she may come crawling back.

 

Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

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Sounds like, based on her "Is this your wife?" question, she may not have known you even existed. Not every BS wants all the details...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Maybe. I just assumed it was because I didn't identify myself. It didn't occur that someone wouldn't want to at least find out who it was, and it doesn't seem like it would be difficult since they work together. I would also assume she had a lot more than just that photo.

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If you’re getting a divorce then you’ll want your wife to keep her job. If she doesn’t you might have to pay more alimony. Think hard before letting her employer know that she had an affair with a co-worker. There may be a policy against it or they may have done it on company time.

 

 

If you wanted to R then you should tell her employer to break them up.

 

Also you have such overwhelming evidence that she couldn’t even think about polishing that turd. So it was easier to take off. When the reality sinks in that she has nowhere else to go she may come crawling back.

 

Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

 

We live in Texas. From what I've read, there's no alimony here. I'm just starting to learn this stuff. I didn't have a reason to before.

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Heregoes, keep the photo for your lawyer safe, depending on where you live it may affect your settlement and your child custody. Are you in a fault state, area or are you in a no fault area? Again depending on where you live, your photograph is proof if you were to pursue an Alienation of Affection lawsuit against the other man. You really need to talk to a lawyer. We always advice people to tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair because they have the right to know the truth. They always lie about having protected sex, did you see him wearing a condom, I didn't think so. They never have safe sex so please get tested for all STD's.

 

One more thing that hadn't occurred to me.

My brother mentioned that it may be necessary to do a paternity test on my daughter.

All of this stuff keeps coming up, I haven't even started to process this yet. It's weird that I'm not even hurting a lot. Just numb.

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One more thing that hadn't occurred to me.

My brother mentioned that it may be necessary to do a paternity test on my daughter.

All of this stuff keeps coming up, I haven't even started to process this yet. It's weird that I'm not even hurting a lot. Just numb.

 

I was numb and in shock in the beginning too. The emotions you will have will follow the stages of grief but not necessarily in order. Take good care.

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Sorry you are going through this.

 

I would do whatever possible TODAY to make sure you are financially protected. I don't have experience with this so maybe someone else can provide more specific advice but if you have financial accounts in both your names, I'd be worried she'd clean you out before you had a chance to do anything about it.

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I was numb and in shock in the beginning too. The emotions you will have will follow the stages of grief but not necessarily in order. Take good care.

 

Really just trying to understand. I never saw any reason to worry. We've always been happy. I'm wondering what I missed. We never even really fought very much. Pretty much the worst arguments we ever had were just little things. I can't even remember the last time one of us really raised our voice.

We have a good home, bills are paid, etc.

She's never had a bad thing to say about anyone, never mean, I don't know. I just don't see her as someone who would do this. Especially enough where everyone she worked with knew. She's very private and shy. She was always very kind and loving to my daughter and me. Everyone always loved her.

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One more thing that hadn't occurred to me.

My brother mentioned that it may be necessary to do a paternity test on my daughter.

 

You can buy a kit at WalMart of about any drug store for about $30. Even Amazon sells them. You use a Q-tip to swab the inside of your cheek and the kid's. Then you send the kit to a lab along with an additional fee.

 

 

You're not testing the kid. You're testing your wife.

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