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Wife of 9 years Cheated for last three years


aus_avi2000

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First thing is to take care of yourself. Second do whatever you need to do to protect your children. If you have no children kick her a$$ out and get yourself out of infidelity. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights. Expose the affair to those that have influence over her. Protect your finances, I can personally tell you just how hard it can be to discover that all your money has been cleaned out of your account. If the other man is married or in a relationship expose him to his spouse. Your immediate goal is to take yourself out of infidelity with or without her. Long term affairs are hard to recover from. It tales a special kind of person to deceive their spouse that long, it takes a lot of deception and plotting with the other man to deceive you and carry out an affair for 3 years.

 

Get tested for all STD's, they had unprotected sex, they always lie about that fact. Do you require a DNA test done? What do you want to happen? Start there but make sure the affair is over before you even consider reconciliation. Do not be her back up plan.

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Hi aus. Sorry for your wayward wife (WW) put you in such a terrible situation. You are only a couple of months out from discovery, and you are likely still in shock, because a 3 year affair is very difficult to process. The first thing I want to tell you is your WW's choice (yes choice, not mistake) to have an affair has absolutely nothing to do with you. Let that sink in. There is nothing you did or did not do that led her to decide having an affair was a good idea. That is 100% on her and she must accept that fact. Secondly, the weeks and months after discovery are a very painful time. Make sure you are taking care of yourself brother. Eat, stay hydrated, work out and stay away from alcohol for now. You will need your wits about you to deal with this mess. Thirdly, cheaters lie, especially when they are caught. Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth that you can't verify. Lastly, you do not have to make any long term decisions now. Don't decide you've forgiven her, or that you want to work on the marriage or anything. Use this time to just process.

 

From what you are saying, your WW is trying really hard to sweep her 3 year affair under the rug as quickly as possible and act like it didn't happen. Do not allow her to get away with that. You need to deal with this betrayal thoroughly now brother, or else it will torment you for the rest of your days. If you do enough reading, you will see stories of people still suffering from their spouses infidelity years down the road because they swept it under rug. Don't fall into that trap.

 

So the question is how do you deal with it. Strong decisive action is needed. Step 1 is to make sure the affair is dead. Seeing as the affair partner's (AP) wife told you about the affair, I would say you are halfway to achieving that goal. The problem for you is that your WW and AP work together. That is a recipe for disaster. Either your WW leaves that job or the AP does. There is no way around that. If they keep working together, the affair will just go underground. Put your foot down on this, because the thought of her meeting her AP everyday at work will drive you crazy. Plus, you know the affair would still be happening if AP's wife hadn't caught AP.

 

Tell your WW she has a choice. She can either choose AP, or you. There is no in between and no she can't have both. Let her know that if she chooses you, there will be some very firm boundaries and she will have to comply with a list of requirements like

1. She must immediately go no contact (NC) with AP. She needs to write a short to the point NC letter, and if it means she must leave the job to honor NC, then so be it. That is the bed she made, and now she must lay in it.

2. No more passwords on her cell, laptop, tablet email etc. She abused her right to privacy in the most hurtful way imaginable, and losing that privacy is just a consequence of that.

3. She must immediately set up IC for herself. She must working on understanding why she did this. Without knowing why, how can she say she will never do it again. Don't even bother with MC for now.

4. Seeing as she soiled the marital bed, she must replace it and everything else AP touched in your house. Bringing AP to the marital bed is just the height of disrespect.

 

This is getting kind of long so I'll stop here for now. Just remember, in order to save your marriage, you must be willing to lose it. You can not nice your WW back or do the pick me dance. They don't work. Your WW must earn you back, not the other way around. Good luck.

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1. She must immediately go no contact (NC) with AP. She needs to write a short to the point NC letter, and if it means she must leave the job to honor NC, then so be it. That is the bed she made, and now she must lay in it.
Dear aus, So sorry you're here as a result of that awful experience shared unfortunately with many of us.

 

When you are ready for the NC letter (the sooner, the better), please protect yourself and do it right. There are models online, by the way, if he needs a kick-start for what to say. But my two cents is that it's imperative that you have it last and make sure there's nothing surreptitiously added that diminishes the message, shifts the blame or makes any other pretense. The main message is that -

- what they did was wrong, thoughtless and/or cruel to you;

- that his focus now is you and your marriage; and

- they must never see each other or have contact again.

Then, you seal and mail the letter.

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Its been two months since a phone call from wife of my wife's colleague shook my life. She told me that her husband and my wife had been having secret affair for last three years. My world turned upside down and my brain just became NUMB. I met that women immediately and she shared all the printout of WhatsApp chats and pics from last two years with me...I took them back home and read them over and over for next two days....The details were very clear that my wife had been screwing this guy for last few two or three years in OUR HOUSE and OUR OWN BED....It detailed very clearly how they used to plan their ****ing sessions when my and our 14yr son were not home....I confronted her and as expected she tried to deny at first but when I told her that I have hard evidences with details...she started confessing slowly...She told me that it was over and that she has left him two months ago...I checked he phone bill details and found that she had been calling him till a week ago before that day I confronted her...She confessed slowly and with some honesty about the crush and love she had developed for this creep...She decided to leave him as she found out that he had kept her nude pics and chats in his computer which was discovered by his wife...while my wife meticulously deleted all the traces during these three years...During these years I could never feel anything wrong or suspicious as we has a great love and family life where she was very committed (at least that's what I felt)...

 

 

It is our second marriage and our son is from her previous marriage who was only 7yrs when I adopted him and gave all the love of a father...He still doesn't know that I am not his real father and loves me very much...

 

 

I am very confused not as I love her very much but now I have to live with mistrust and fear of her cheating me...I am trying to forgive her but I wake up in nights and go into my shell whenever I think of what she had done.

 

 

She is making all efforts to give me love and to forget her past three years of affair....But I am not confident whether she will be able to do that as she had tried to stop meeting this creep few time in last three years but always walked back into that relationship....

 

 

As I see it their relationship was non committal, opportunistic and lustful, while she wanted to see it as love and may have loved him, he showed no love for her but only friends and sexual partners....she was in awe of him due to his qualities that she may have wanted in me but were not there like highly paid career and dirty sense of humor etc etc.

 

 

I am very confused and disturbed as after giving my 100% honest efforts to this relationship I feel cheated and heart broken...We are making afforts to bring some sense to our relationship and to move on...But I simply cant forget and forgive so easily being a Scorpion....

 

 

I have thought of moving on and punish her by exposing her to all family and friends and her coworkers etc.....that might give me some relief....but then everytime she comes and hugs me and kisses me I lust for her even more and fall back in the love and happiness that we share even now....

 

 

What to do as pain and hurt keeps me occupied day and night Very Sad and broken...Need your honest advise and inputs.

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Better people than me can give you more advice on this, but the following really jumped out at me:

 

She decided to leave him as she found out that he had kept her nude pics and chats in his computer which was discovered by his wife

 

So effectively she only left him because they were caught? OK, he kept her pics, but that still seems pretty sketchy to me. She didn't leave him because she thought what they were doing was wrong, or because she cared about you... Also, when confronted she still denied it and eventually trickle truthed you when she realized you had the evidence.

 

Whatever happened, I don't know how you can trust her going ahead from this. Yeah, you obviously love (and lust after) her, but... I just get a bad feeling from this one, not only for what she did, but her justification and actions afterwards....

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dreamingoftigers

Hi there.

 

I know it's VERY painful to discover your significant other has betrayed you.

 

You don't have to make any decisions right away whether to stay or go. (I'd go, personally, because this stuff sucks).

 

You are going to go through A LOT of ups and down over the next while. You'll feel okay one moment, then feel like crawling in a hole the next.

 

That's NORMAL and don't let your spouse abuse you further by telling you it isn't.

 

The infidelity WAS NOT your fault.

I don't care if you were a sucky husband who "didn't make her happy" of whatever excuse she will throw out there. She made the choice to cheat before coming to you. She did that all on her own. And it was NOT OKAY.

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Aua,

 

Sorry for your situation but take my word for it you are NOT going to just forget it and move on so easily. And if she was truly remorseful she would not even be entertaining that thought.

 

The fact you have to face is that it would still be going on if the OM wife had not been such a great person and exposed it to you. Your wife has lied about ending it weeks before you found out, and right now she IS probably mad at him for getting her caught since she was a more accomplished cheater.

 

Here is where you are making you first mistake and some other comments

(1) you are way too early in this process to make ANY commitments to her as to "working it out or not" She not only was having sex with another man for three years, but was doing it in your home and bed. That is a line that many cheaters will not cross and shows absolutely no respect for you at all.

(2) the worst thing you can do is to be telling her you love her and accepting any terms or conditions she decides on. Her right to privacy and dictating the narrative went out the window with her affair.

(3) if this is a co worker, and she has continually kept going back, you are swimming upstream in a big rip tide if they continue to work together. How do you expect her to not have contact with him any more??? By her telling you that as a proven LIAR?? All of the books will tell you one of them has to leave the job.

(4) Even if she leaves, you are correct. A three year affair for a woman means she IS emotionally addicted to the lust and excitement of the affair. Do not compare his qualities to yours. That is a game you CANNOT win. You are the. Boring husband and he is the excitement and danger of an illicit romance. But what has she done to even give you a hint that she is not in contact any more.

Remember, she is mad now at him for his carelessness. That will subside.

(5) you are wasting your time at this point going to any MC. You have NO proof that the truth is out there and that they have not just gone underground. This OM, if it is true he just wanted sex, will NOT let this go until HE is convinced she will not have sex with him anymore.

(6) You are in contact with OM wife. Is she kicking him out or staying with him.???? If she kicks him out he certainly will come after your wife some more. You need to stay in contact swith her, you need to thank her profusely, and you need to have two sets of eyes on them.

 

Here is what you should do

 

(1) Since you know what she did, you should go immediately to an attorney and find out your rights unless you play on living in an open marriage if she started the affair up again. Until she believes, actually believes, that you are NOT going to suck it up and swallow the **** sandwich, she has no consequences. Right now you are playing the pick me game which usually ends poorly. Filing for divorce does NOT mean you wind up divorced. You can stop it anytime you want to, but it DOES mena that she has a finite period of time to get off the fence and PROVE to you by actions not words that she wants to save your marriage. That burden has to fall on her, not you.

(2) If she has muttered any crap like she want so to remain friends with him, forget it. She has to TOTALLY and unconditionally put him out of her life. No "closure meetings" or conversations .

(3) you need to put a VAR in her car and a GPS on it WITHOUT telling her. You cannot trust her as far as you can throw her and you will find out quickly if she is still in contact.

 

Play hardball and you might be OK

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Expose? It depends. Not the usual answer you get here to that question. If you want to reconcile my answer is yes. But not with a billboard or tv add. Parents yes, even though they will take her side. You already have the most important set of other eyes working to make sure this A doesn't just go underground. And don't believe her words that the A is over. She proved herself a cheater and a liar. That is two strikes against her. Be wary.

 

If you don't want to reconcile my answer is no. Again OBS already knows so you don't have to tip her off. Telling anybody else smacks of seeking revenge. Revenge does not make a divorce any easier.

 

Remember she never confessed until confronted with the hard evidence even though she had to know the inquiry/accusation was coming. Three years isn't a mistake. It is a deliberate and considered embrace of a whole 'nother life. A life that excluded you.

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............

I have thought of moving on and punish her by exposing her to all family and friends and her coworkers etc.....that might give me some relief....but then everytime she comes and hugs me and kisses me I lust for her even more and fall back in the love and happiness that we share even now....

............

 

 

Move on by all means. But as far as exposure goes, although I am in favour of exposure I would only recommend it in certain circumstances.

 

Usually to break up an affair by shining the light of truth on both affair partners.

 

Or where the wayward spouse has spent their time justifying their affair in their minds by vilifying their spouse to family and friends whilst in the affair fog.

 

Sometimes it is recommended that the parents should be told, it's up to you.

 

Expose to her co workers? I would be very surprised if they don't know or at least suspect that something was going on, especially after three years.

 

You may find that some of your friends who are mostly her friends also, after three years, knew of the affair.

 

Hint. They are not your friends and unless they can give a good reason for not warning you or advising her to stop they should be toast.

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lucy_in_disguise

It's a personal decision whether to leave or not after an affair. In this situation, I can't imagine trying to reconcile. It is one thing when your partner has an affair after several years of marriage, when the relationship has gone a little stale and resentment has built up. It's not excusable but so many fall in the trap of thinking the grass is greener, that it's understandable. Most of those affairs last a couple of months and end in severe pain, guilt, and regret. In my opinion the majority of these affairs reresent a lapse in judgement, and are more likely to happen when the spouses have poor communication skills and are unable to express and resolve marital issues.

 

In your case, your wife's affair went on for 3 years. If I read your post correctly, you've only been married for two, so this was going on while she made vows and during the entire duration of your marriage. To me, that level of selfishness and manipulation is indicative of a narcissistic personality, not a lapse in judgement. She knew she was cheating on you as she was getting married and proceeded anyway, apparently happy to commit to you while still getting some on the side. I would not be able to trust someone like this.

 

So, my advice is to leave. Regarding exposing her to family and friends- I have always thought this was tacky, and I really don't think it will make you feel better in the long run. It will just add an additional level of drama to this whole mess, and make you the subject of gossip. I think you may also be surprised at how people react to the allegations. Chances are some won't believe you, while others may take her side. Yes, it may show you who your friends are, but do you really want to put your personal life under a humiliating public trial? I wouldn't.

 

Just be glad you found out when you did, and start moving on...

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I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. This isn't a ONS which perhaps could be forgiven in order to reconcile and improve the marriage. She engaged in long term deliberate deceit and lies. As such, I think you should kick her out, expose far and wide, and immediately get a lawyer to file for divorce (and check what's legal to do in terms of kicking her out, emptying bank accounts and freezing credit cards, etc., and dealing with bills as well as assets). Act before she does, to protect yourself. Once you file, you will have far fewer options to do certain things, especially financial.

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You need to tell WW's parents and siblings.

 

 

Your WW must have NC with the OM. So she must leave this job. So you have to expose this affair at her work place.

 

 

You need to send emails and follow up letters to the CEO, Director of Human Resources, and Board of Directors. If you have evidence that the affair was conducted using work place time and resources is a must.

 

 

You must to include in the email is what action is the company going to take to end this affair, put NC in place between the OM and WW, and end the hostile work place environment do to the sexual harassment by the OM.

 

 

All this exposure must be done because this is an entrenched 3 year long affair. Your WW is addicted to this affair and will find in extremely hard to not keep seeing the OM for she will be needing her OM fix. Seeing the OM at work will keep the addiction strong. Just as an alcoholic and drink. This is why alcholics are told not to go to bars or where alcohol is served.

 

 

Next as to the house. I have known many a BH take all the furniture that the OM did his WW on and pile it in the backyard, then add all of the clothes WW wore for/with the OM and have one huge barn fire.

 

 

I do not know how you can used any furniture that the OM was on. Not advocating a barn fire. Though there is no way you can not have nightmares in your bed, let alone get a good nights sleep.

 

 

First step is get rid of that bedroom furniture. Donate that furniture asap. Even if all you can afford is a new mattress on the floor.

 

 

Many a BH though have found that not enough because the house feels contaminated and always will. Recovery and the healing never started until they sold the house and moved.

 

 

If you decide to move make sure it is far away from the OM. This distance makes a WW not worth it to the OM. OM are lazy and will not want to work that hard when all he has to do is find a new prey to hit on.

 

 

Last you are acting normal. Your world will be messed up for a long time. Recovery is not a quick fix but a two to five years of work.

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Friend, from what I can tell, you have been married to her for 7 years and for almost half that time she has been bringing some married POS into your home and having porn star sex with him in your bed, is that right? It actually sounds like she is the pursuer, bringing another man into your home and desecrating your sanctuary just shows how little respect she has for you or your marriage. Your neighbours must have seen his car at your house, they must all know what has been going on at your place for the last 3 years. Did her other marriage fail because she did something similar to her now ex husband? I would bet money that you and other man had sex with her within hours of each other and that is just sick, a special kind of sick. My ex did similar things, I think she got an extra high from disrespecting me. You really need to look hard at your relationship, it is not what you thought it was, doesn't look like there are any boundaries that she wasn't willing to break for this guy.

 

Now that she knows other man only used her for sex, she will be latching on to you so she doesn't end up on the street. Think hard if you really want to save this because I don't see her having any respect for you at all. She will need a lot of independent counselling, don't be so eager to forgive, think about it, talk to a lawyer. The other thing to remember is that she was looking to trade you in for this guy but he only wanted some sex on the side, he wouldn't even pay for a hotel but showed his lack of respect for you by banging her in your own bed. Burn him if you have to, expose him to his employer, sounds like he was her boss. I see from your heading that you are married 9 years not 7, that's a third of your marriage not half.

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Go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. If I am not mistaken, in AUS you have to declare separation and then it is a one year waiting period to be able to file for divorce. If I were you I would at least educate yourself as to your options going forwards.

 

Do not be quick to forgive her. She was cheating before and after your wedding, and in your own bed? That tells me this woman has no respect for you, herself or her child. This is as immoral as it gets. She needs to earn your forgiveness by coming clean to her family, getting rid of all vestiges of her affair, writing a no contact letter to the OM, turning over all access codes, computers, cell phones to you any time you ask.

 

Total transparency mus be the rule.

 

She was cheating for 1/3 of your relationship. Please do not rush into reconciliation. Time is on your side. You are not on her timeline, so do not let her rugsweep or try to rush you through your healing. If she cannot scrounge up enough empathy to let you heal at your own pace then you probably need to separate now and see how she does on her own without you.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Get into some individual counseling for PTSD and grief. Exercise and eat healthy. Lift weights, and make more time to be alone and doing things you enjoy. Take the focus off her and put it on yourself.

 

And throw out that bed.

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Now that she knows other man only used her for sex, she will be latching on to you so she doesn't end up on the street.

 

They are in Australia. Husbands and fathers have zero rights there, just like all countries in the commonwealth. He needs to proceed very carefully with his legal action and make sure he documents everything.

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They are in Australia. Husbands and fathers have zero rights there, just like all countries in the commonwealth. He needs to proceed very carefully with his legal action and make sure he documents everything.

 

I know all too well as I am in Canada, another British Commonwealth Country. This is why I always suggest they talk to a lawyer because it's hard to make decisions about the future if you don't know what your rights are and what you can do to protect yourself, your children and your finances. In aus's situation he stands to loose not only a cheating wife but his adopted son too. He really needs legal advice fast.

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For 3 years she was screwing him in your house and in your bed.

This is the ultimate in distain and totally disrespect for you and your marriage.

If the roles were reversed and you were screwing your lover in your house and in your marital bed for the past 3 years how do you think your wife would be acting?

 

I hope you have been tested for STD's. You come across as a nice guy. I have a hunch that your wife knew if she got caught you would forgive her since you are such a nice guy. If she was having sex in your house and bed then you know that there had to be times that you were intimate with your wife after she just had sex with this guy.

 

You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. She has humiliated you in the worst possible way. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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Do not jump into reconciliation without thinking this through.

You caught her there was no confession and she's a proven liar.

Sex in your bed is the lowest form of disrespect. Plus it's a long term affair that would still be ongoing.

 

She has no love for you. You are nothing but a paycheck for her and her son.

 

Sorry man but you need the honest truth.

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Hi I would like to thanks you all for taking time to write and share your wisdom.

 

 

I would also like to share some clarifications.

 

 

They changed jobs two years ago but still continued to meet and even travel outstation on pretext of work related travel and stayed in same hotel room. He took up a job in far south but my wife had to travel to the same city and met up with him.

 

 

My W has been sharing details and answering questions that I come up with but goes all fuzzy for any other detail.

 

 

She had been very caring and loving wife and mother even through the A and I cant understand how anyone can love two people at the same time.

 

 

She still praises him for his intelligence and support as a friend but is saying that she wants to forget all he past three years and focus on her thriving career as she is also doing well in her career.

 

 

They had discussed in details that they would leave their respective partners and would live together. Not so easy as families are involved and she cant fathom telling her son.

 

 

She is consistently saying that she wants to work on our relationship and marriage and making it work better.

 

 

We had worked very hard during the last 9 years to re build our lives after our previous divorces and it can all fall apart.

 

 

The dilemma is that if I move away then I will have to live with loosing the girl I loved so so very much.....If I try to reconcile then I have to live with the thoughts and nightmares every day...Don't know how long it takes to overcome the hurt and to forget and forgive...

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Hi I would like to thanks you all for taking time to write and share your wisdom.

 

 

I would also like to share some clarifications.

 

 

They changed jobs two years ago but still continued to meet and even travel outstation on pretext of work related travel and stayed in same hotel room. He took up a job in far south but my wife had to travel to the same city and met up with him.

 

 

My W has been sharing details and answering questions that I come up with but goes all fuzzy for any other detail.

 

 

She had been very caring and loving wife and mother even through the A and I cant understand how anyone can love two people at the same time.

 

 

She still praises him for his intelligence and support as a friend but is saying that she wants to forget all he past three years and focus on her thriving career as she is also doing well in her career.

 

 

They had discussed in details that they would leave their respective partners and would live together. Not so easy as families are involved and she cant fathom telling her son.

 

 

She is consistently saying that she wants to work on our relationship and marriage and making it work better.

 

 

 

It is clear from your post that your wife is probably more attached to him then she is to you. It sounds like she left the marriage years ago, they planned to leave both you and his betrayed wife to live together. She is very invested in her affair partner, a three year affair and working together is more like a marriage. That explains why she had no remorse in sharing your bed with him. It takes years of hard work to get over an affair, 3-5 years is an average amount of time, assuming she is as committed to the marriage as you are and truly remorseful. There are some on this site that have been trying to recover for more then 10 years. Others like me after being through it a few times have zero tolerance for infidelity. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO SWEEP THIS UNDER THE CARPET or my prediction for you is you will be back here again, she will just be better at hiding things from you. Do not protect her, there are consequences for infidelity and there is no easy shortcut through it, she needs to do the work even if it involves telling her son the truth.

 

We know you love her but don't sell yourself out being her second choice. The least you should do is have her agree to a post nuptial agreement that gives you the majority of the marital assets if she cheats again. It just doesn't sound like she's remorseful to me and if that is the case fire her from the position of being your wife. My guess is the other man is staying with his wife because divorcing her will leave him poor. Your wife is more concerned about her career then she is about the damage she has caused you. It's still all about her, give her a serious wake up call through your lawyer because she is not taking you seriously, she still thinks she is in control of this sh*t show. Your turn to be greedy, show her what it's going to cost her if you divorce.

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fixed quote~T
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