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I don't know what to do. Me and my wife got married when we were 19. We have been married for almost 5 years now and things have changed recently. She has been sad and depressed lately. We never really fight or argue about things, but she decided she needed some time alone to find herself and find her purpose in life. While she has been away she has treated me like she kind of hates me or is mad at me. After about a month I just felt like I couldn't take it. I am very depressed not having her here and I feel betrayed. I still love her sooo much and I feel like we can work things out. We talked the after about a month and I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring. This drove me crazy and I started packing her stuff and told her maybe she should just go. She said she wanted to work things out and that she wanted to be with me. Then, a couple days later she moved all of her stuff out and said if we were meant for each other, then we'll find our way back to each other. Then, a couple days later she brought some of it back and wanted to work things out again. Now, it's been about 2 months and she says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She says she's not sure we can work things out and she wants to be on her own. She says she feels empty inside. She has decided that she is going to move to a different town (not to far away). I've told her how much it hurts me to not have her here and she knows I want to work things out. I've asked her to come back and try to work things out but she says it doesn't feel right to come back. I asked her if I told her she either had to move back or get a divorce what would she choose, and she basically said divorce.

 

I don't know what to do. I love her so much and she has been my whole world. It hurts so much to go through this. I desperately want to work things out and be with her. I feel we both made a commitment to each other and I feel that we should keep that, but I don't think she feels the same.

 

Also, I know she has been hanging out with this guy that she works with. And, there were rumors going around where she works that she was cheating. I asked her about this and she admitted that she ewas hanging out with him, but nothing more. She said that this guy has been in a similar situation and is helping her through this. She has admitted that she has stayed at his place a couple of times but swears she slept on the couch. She said the only thing that shes done is hugged him when she was crying. Now, when she decided she wanted to work things out with me she said she went to him and told him she couldn't see him anymore because people were saying things and she couldn't have that. Then we saw each other for a few days and she started reverting back to her not sure stuff, and I found out she stayed at his place again. I said I thought you weren't going to see him anymore and she said he's my friend, I can't just stop seeing him. Now, she still says nothing has happened with him, or antone else, and I would never ever of thought she would be someone who would cheat, but she has been acting different lately. I never acuse her of cheating, but even when I ask her about it, she gets a little defensive.

 

My personal opion is that I really doubt this guy is trying to push her to work things out with me. I think it woould be best if he stayed out of it all together. If he was a generally good person he would see that he is not helping at all. Too, she hasn't known him for very long, so it's not like they are good friends and go back a ways. I really don't think she would cheat, and If I ever found out she did, this guy better run.

 

Thanks for reading my story and if you have any comments or advice, please let me know.

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Tamed Wildflower

Hi, well it sounds like your wife is going through some really difficult issues right now, which may seem really perplexing to you because it doesn't sound like she is communicating with you very well about what is bothering her within the marriage and more broadly in her life.

 

I noticed that you said that your wife has been sad and depressed lately, and that she feels she needs to find her purpose in life. Sounds like maybe the main thing that your wife is struggling with right now are some larger issues-- who she is, what her purpose in life is, and how she can make her life meaningful.

 

I see that you and your wife got married when you were quite young. So it sounds like you entered the world of very adult relationships and responsibilities earlier than most people our age do these days. This may be difficult for your wife if she hasn't gotten the chance to go through that stage of growing up that many of us get to do in our very late teens and early twenties. This is when we "find ourselves", when we build our sense of identity and purpose, and many of us get to do this before we ever think seriously about "settling down" (without the pressures of the expectations of family life).

 

Let me ask you something else. Is your wife primarily a housewife? Do the two of you have kids? Does her life revolve right now around being a wife and mother? I certainly wouldn't say that being a wife and a mother is a generally bad thing (I hope to be both someday), but sometimes when a girl enters into these roles early she doesn't get a chance to develop her identity and purpose more broadly. Her identity is reduced to her role in the household, which is primarily that of service to husband and children, and she ends up desperately thinking, "Is this all there is to life???" This is especially true when she is raised to think that getting married and having kids is her sole purpose in life, the pinnacle of her existence. Pick up a copy of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique and you'll see how unfulfilling this was to most of a whole generation of women. I don't mean to make presumptions about what is bothering your wife, but I am just suggesting a possibility.

 

Obviously, you love her dearly. She's lucky to have someone who cares about her so much. How much have you tried asking her to talk about what is bothering her? I can see that she definitely has issues with identity and purpose, but I can't tell if there is anything else specifically about the relationship with you that are bothering her. It's possible that her need to be away from you is related solely to her search for purpose; if she feels stifled by the role of wife, it is understandable that she would need to distance herself from that role for a while so that she can ask herself who else she is (besides a wife). She will need a lot of kindness and understanding from you when you ask about these things-- the more she feels like you don't understand her, the more she will feel like she needs to be away from you.

 

About the possibility of cheating-- You say you never thought she would be a person who would cheat, and that if he is a good guy he should see that he is not helping. People who cheat are not usually bad people, they don't usually do it because they want to betray their partners. I certainly am not going to be able to tell you for certain if she has slept with this guy. But I can tell that she feels like there is something missing in her relationship with you (either support in figuring out who she is or maybe other issues too, I can't tell). When that happens, yes, people often do go elsewhere for the support and fulfillment they need. Sometimes they just form other friendships that really are entirely platonic. Often they find themself developing a romantic attachment to someone, even when they truly were never looking for an affair, and even when that new person was never looking to begin an affair with a married person either. Of course she should discuss with you what she feels is missing, but sometimes this is hard. Maybe she was just experiencing a feeling of dissatisfaction, frustration, and unfulfillment that she couldn't quite explain. Maybe this guy understands her really well. Maybe he fulfills emotional or psychological needs she didn't even know she had, let alone be able to express.

 

As for the guy, it could be that he has romantic feelings for her, AND that he really is trying to help her sort through the issues in your marriage. This is the position I personally am in now-- and trust me it is possible both to have loving feelings for a married person and to genuinely want to help him/her repair his/her marriage. (I know, it sounds crazy, but what can I say these are complicated situations.)

 

However, you are right when you say it would be better if he stayed out of it. IF they do have a romantic relationship, then she is giving to HIM both the time and the love that she has committed to giving to YOU. No matter what is going on with the two of them, work it out with your wife, don't go after the guy. After all, whatever he is doing for your wife is out of sincere caring for her. He's there for her in some tough times. You go after him and your wife will hate you for it. If there is an affair going on there (even an emotional one) and if the marriage is to be saved, your wife has got to decide that it's time to come back to you, open up to you, and give you her love. You can't steal her love back from this guy: love can not be stolen, it can only be given. And to help her do that, you will have to make up your mind to be as understanding and receptive to her needs as you can. If she is having an affair, the two of you will probably need to discuss that. But don't bring it up with an accusatory tone. She will only get defensive, and clam up and not feel free to discuss anything honestly. If you are to repair the marriage, she will have to talk to you about what she found with him that was so missing in the relationship with you. This will probably be really hurtful to you, and when I tell you to be understanding I don't mean to tell you to sweep your own feelings under the rug for the sake of being selfless to her. Express your sense of hurt and betrayal if you need to, but try not to do it in ways that are hostile and bitter. Hostility and bitterness won't help you heal the relationship.

 

I'd definitely advise marriage counseling.

 

I hope some of this has been helpful to you.

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Sometimes, when people say they've slept on the couch they really DID sleep on the couch. I don't think you'll ever really know either way unless one of them tells you.

 

You need to decide if that's more important to you than fixing things up with her. If it is, might as well toss the whole thing out now because it will eat away at you for YEARS.

 

 

I just re read your post and I still can't figure out where things stand.

 

 

Why don't YOU grab a backbone and tell her to quit f*cking with your head for a change? If you act helpless in the situation, people tend to walk all over you.

 

Tell her that you love her, and want things to work out but the constant flip flopping makes you crazy. Ask her to move out until she's made up her mind, and that you're willing to go to counselling if needed.

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Just some stuff to add. We don't have any kids and she is not a housewife. I think maybe the main reason she was flopping back and forth was that I was pressuring her to make a decision, mainly because I'm so hurt by this. I apologized to her for pressuring her and I told her to take her time. I want to go to counseling with her but I'm not sure if she will. I asked her to go and she said she didn't know if she wanted to or not. She says she doesn't want someone examining her. One thing when I talked to her a few days back I mentioned something and she replied I'm fine, I'm always fine. And obviuosly she's not fine and I said that to her. She just seems to bottle her emotions up sometimes. She has had a tough life because her father divorced her mother while she was pregnant with her. And, her mother was dying of cancer during the pregnancy and did not take any meds because she didn't want to harm the baby. Her mother died shortly after she gave birth. Wether all of this makes any difference I don't know, but I feel like she can't admit something is wrong, and if you can't admit it I don't think that you can fix it. Also, she just graduated from college with a degree that can' t really get her a job (English degree not teaching).

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LucreziaBorgia

It doesn't matter if she's cheating - even if you stopped the cheating, you wouldn't be stopping what is causing her to be that way in the first place. It could very well be that the things that are making her be this way are directly caused by her wanting to be out of this marriage, and any 'cheating' would just be symptomatic of that. If she wants a divorce, and has no intention of working anything out - then there is little you can do but cut her loose and give her the divorce. Working to save a marriage won't work if only one person is dedicated to doing so.

 

You could get all the advice in the world on how to fix things, but if your wife doesn't want to - it would be pointless.

 

At this point, you'll have to find out just how willing she is to stay with you. You'll have to gather up an enormous amount of strength for this. You'll need to go talk to a lawyer about separation/divorce. Get the papers written up and ready for signatures. Make an appointment to talk to a counselor to help you deal with this. Call your wife and let her know you have the papers, and that if she is not willing to give the marriage a shot, you'll sign the papers and mail them to her. Then you'll cut her out of your life forever.

 

She'll have a choice: work on the marriage or leave it. Her decision will give you the answer you are looking for as to where things are going to go. You will need to be strong enough to accept her decision though, as it doesn't sound like she's too interested in working things out.

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Not sure if your wife had sexual relations with the friend, but I am quite sure that your marriage is in serious trouble and that the continued presence of the male friend will prevent any possibility of reconciliation. Your wife is in pain and is looking for understanding, sympathy, relief, and distraction. The male friend is doubtless all too willing to provide these things. This applies even of you feel sure that your W and the friend are both "good people". Your wife feels lost, and the male friend is programmed to provide comfort to attractive women with whom he has an emotional bond.

 

I wouldn't focus so much on whether she "cheated", i.e. had physical relations. You'll never know for sure whether or when they started going at it. But you do know for CERTAIN that she is in an emotional affair with him. She is turning away from you and towards him. The emotional bond she is building with this guy is likely to be even MORE destructive to your marriage than any physical act could be. If you want to put this guy on the run, now is the time.

 

Best thing for you to do is to cruise on over to the marriage builders site, where Dr. Harley Willard (or is it Willard Harley?) has some great ideas on how to respond to an "emotional affair". He will also explain how and why each of you must meet the other's most important emotional needs so that the marriage feels good and you both want to stay in it. You two kids need to have a serious think about WHY you got married in the first place, what you want out of life, and whether you are better off together or apart.

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StillHurtin

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. Seems like your W could be going through depression and right now she just doesn't know what to do w/ her life but she is coming really close to screwing it up w/ what seems to be a great guy.

 

Your story seems very similiar to what happend to my H and I two years ago. He also started acting differently, and distance from me. I had a feeling something was going on between him and another co-worker. I found her phone number on his cell phone. I didn't reconize the number but I knew what area it was from. When I asked him who's # it was he admitted it was the OW, he called her about some stupid music cd he had borrowed from her to burn. Like that couldn't of been talked about at work. After that he seemed to become more distant and a month later said he wanted a D. Then the rumors started that him and the OW were having an A. I called the OW (we knew eachother) and I confronted H about the rumors, of course both lied. The OW admitted that H was having second thought about the D and I also felt I was pressuring him into making a decision, the M or a D. He filed for a D stating I was rushing him into it and he felt that if I was going to make him rush into a big, life changing decision then it wasn't going to work. I kicked him out of our home and a month later I moved out w/ our two children and started a new life in my hometown. I still loved H very much and I went through so much. About a month later he called and admitted everything. He did have an A w/ the OW. He broke it off w/ her and we are continuing to work on our M. The OW got him fired from his job so he moved where the kids and I moved, a huge life change for him.

 

Anyhow, my advice to you is step back and give her some time. Seperation from eachother for awhile will help her think about what she really wants to do. Cheating or not I suggest you try marriage counseling, or at least she needs to go to counseling for her depression. I just hope that if there isn't an A going on between this OM there wont be one at all. As for her spending the night w/ him, maybe she did sleep on the couch, maybe she didn't, only the two of them know. If she wants the M to work she will start telling the truth. And that is what you need, no matter how much it hurts if she is having an A, you deserve to know the truth. GL

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Tamed Wildflower

Sounds like you understand her pretty well-- how she bottles up emotions, how she reacts to pressure and needs space and time to figure some things out. Be ready to help her figure things out if she is willing to come to you.

 

I think you got some good advice and insight from the other folks who replied too-- about emotional affairs, about what your wife needs right now, marriage counseling...

 

I wouldn't pressure her to make a decision right now. It might be a good idea for her to move out for a few months (but not to move in with the friend!), to figure things out. Maybe the two of you could meet often to talk things through, but she could live elsewhere for a while where she can have the space she needs. This will be hard for you, but it is better than her telling you one day that she will work on the marriage and the next day telling you she wants a divorce. At least you can know that she really doesn't know yet.

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She stopped wearing her wedding ring.

 

When you take off the ring it somewhat declares how you feel

about your S/O .

When the ring comes off :

You don't want to be recognized as a married person.

You are having an affair

But one thing I must say she made as clear as day

she did not hide that from you.

To want time alone is one thing, But she wasn't spending her time alone.

I wouldn't put to much blame on the OM , He owes you nothing

If she puts out he will take.

She is responsible for her own actions.

I think too much of your time has been wasted, while she seeks comfort

with someone else.

 

Wish you luck.

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I talked to her a few days back and she was just mean to me. I e-mailed her some of this thread and asked her what she thinks and she said it just made her feel more attacked. I can't stand it when she is mean to me like that, it just makes all this hurt more (and it already hurts way to much). She basically took everything I said and turned it into something bad. I try to be as careful as I can with what I say, but it seems like she just takes it as negative. I don't understand, she just isn't her self lately. I know she needs help and she needs someone to open her eyes for her, but I am unable to do that. I desperately want to go to counseling with her but she just says she doesn't know, not now. I feel like she is slipping through my fingers and I don't know what to do. I need to talk with her but she doesn't want to. She keeps her phone off so I called her at work and she got mad at me. I can barely stand to wait for her, it just hurts so much. I feel helpless, I just want her to see what I see, I know we could work things out, but she doesn't seem to think the same.

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whichwayisup

I'm sorry things are going this way and I know you're hurting pretty bad.

 

Maybe just back off abit and let her have some space. I don't know what else to add in here, but if she comes back and reads more of your post - Which I hope she does - She should see HOW much pain she is causing you and hopefully realize it isn't fair what she is doing to you and stop being so mean. It really is unfair and I feel for ya.

 

She may not be having an actual affair but she is getting something out of this guy - some sort of an emotional need that she is missing. Has nothing to do with you, but it is something missing inside of her. From her past, growing up and from what you said about her mother dying young. That can really mess up people up if they don't deal with issues. That could be why she is scared to start a family.

 

Hang in there.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Haven't been on in a while but I'll update everyone. I talked to her about 2 week ago for the first time in a while. We talked like we used to before all this started. We talked about our relationship a little but mostly we just talked about what we've been up to. We probably talked for about 3 hours. But what I got from the conversation is that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to. I told her I still loved her and always would and she said she loves me to. I asked her if she would take some more time to think about if a D is really what she wants and she said she would. I told her I would still like to be friends with her and she said the same. She in the process of moving to a DIFFERENT TOWN (ONLY ABOUT 45 MILES AWAY) (oops caps lock was on). anyway, I told her I would help her move stuff and paint and she said she wanted to do things on her own (or without my help I think) but I said I would be willing to help. But, I felt much better after we talked. I gave her a call about 3 days ago (I saw she was at her grandma's in our hometown because I was home at my parents) and asked if she wanted to talk and she was kind of crabby with me like she was before. So, that's the last I've talked to her. I don't feel like she wants to work things out, I guess I'm still hopin' she realizes, but I told her I'm willing to accept her decision. This still suck but I'm feeling a lot better, I'm sure there's someone else out there who would appreciate having a great guy (hopefully) and whatever happens happens I guess. But, thanks to all that have replied and if you have any more suggestions let me know.

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