Emotional affair???

[Dancewithme]

Maybe I am over-reacting, but I think my husband is involved in an emotional affair. Or, maybe headed that way.

 

My husband is the kind of guy who never meets a stranger, and has a lot of charisma. He has a lot of friends, male and female. I know them all, have hung out with them one on one, or in groups, with or without hubby. They all are very friendly to me, and seem respectful of my position as his wife.

 

The woman in question is also one of his friends who happens to work in his organization, but does not report directly to him. She is not even in the same branch office. She has been with the company just a few years. She is single. I know her, we have mutual friends from waaaaay back. 15+ years. She was hubby's friend first, she is the younger sister of one of his college buddies. Since she's been working with his company, I've attended various company activities when she's been around. We all get on well, she has always been very nice and respectful of me as well.

 

In the last year, when I have been around my husband and this friend, I've had a feeling, that I can't explain. I've never seen anything inappropriate between my husband and this friend, but I feel territorial when she is around. I feel a need when she is around to keep him close, have him tend to me. If we are at a party, I will find single men to dance with her, so my husband won't feel the need to. I'll select seating at events for my husband and myself at a distance from her. Just little things.

 

 

He's on his phone a lot, texting or checking emails, because of the nature of his business. Lately, I've noticed he is on it a lot first thing in the morning, or later in the evening after dinner. Again, not unusual,for his business, but more than has been common in the past.

 

I was out of town recently, and couldn't reach my husband on his cell to tell him good night. I texted him, no response. This was pretty late, so I called the land line in case his cell wasn't close by. No answer there either. I call my adult child who was in town. Said Dad met with a male friend for drinks and to catch up after work. I know the friend, it made sense to me.

 

I started to feel insecure about hubby being out late on a "school night" when he's usually in bed early. And why now, when Im out of town? He has given me no reason not to trust him.

 

In a fit of insecurity, I log into our phone account. It's in my name. I pull up his cell phone records. I do see a late afternoon call to the friend he was meeting, that's good. Then, the snoopy wife gene kicks in, and I go through the records for the past 2 months. One cell number stands out. I see HUNDREDS of texts, and a few multi-media texts to this one cell number. Everyday, early in the morning. Most days, late in the evening. All throughout the day. Even a few weekends. I get a weird feeling, because the area code is for the city the female friend who works at my husbands company used to live in.

 

I try several reverse phone lookups, and I find out, it's her. My husband has been texting back and forth with this woman early in the morning, during the day, and part evening. Even while we were on vacation! As far back as the records go( only 2 months), her numbers there. They text each other more than my husband and I !!!!!!

 

I feel something like dread in the pit of my stomach. I feel the need to confront, to question. But how? How to do this without letting him know I looked up his phone records? I've been on LS enough to know that this is quacking like a duck. What do I do? How do I nip this ,and let my husband know that it is excessive, inappropriate, and a slippery slope? My husband is the last person I would expect to cheat on me, but I've been on LS enough to know that those are famous last words of the BS.

 

After reading some of the stories here on LS, combined with my husband 's tendency to have a lot of female friends, I downloaded Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends". I haven't read it yet, but I will now.

 

Advice, please!!!

[S2B]

<snip>

 

Advice, please!!!

 

It doesn't look good.

 

Keep checking.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry he's doing that to you.

Edited September 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[ladydesigner]

All you can do is check and verify, but never disclose how you got your info.

 

DRFONE

KEYLOGGER

GPS

VAR

 

^^^These devices will give you what you're looking for.

 

My gut was screaming at me when I was introduced to MOW.

[ChickiePops]

Your gut seems to be screaming at you..don't ignore it.

 

 

Don't say anything but keep your ears and eyes wide open.

 

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Have to admit I'm not a big believer in the intuitive side, tend to rely on facts - which you have, the amount of texts are a damning piece of evidence.

 

I wouldn't disclose until you've had a chance to dig deeper, you need to know what you're up against. I'd want to know what the multimedia texts were, doubt they're vacation videos. With two months worth of this level and type of communication, chances are it's not just an EA. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

Have to admit I'm not a big believer in the intuitive side, tend to rely on facts - which you have, the amount of texts are a damning piece of evidence.

 

I wouldn't disclose until you've had a chance to dig deeper, you need to know what you're up against. I'd want to know what the multimedia texts were, doubt they're vacation videos. With two months worth of this level and type of communication, chances are it's not just an EA. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

As with everyone that comes here with feelings - or tidbits of evidence - the advice is "smile, hug your spouse, act confident and care free, say nothing, and keep digging till you have a stack of hard evidence"

 

However humans are emotional beings - and most people in love with someone who maybe cheating - can hold back their fears and jealousy and end up confronting their spouses with very little evidence which means there is no chance their spouse will confess and no way to ever know as the cheating spouse will then delete or hide all actual evidence.

[Dancewithme]

I found this site by searching for info to help my sister, who was an OW, and an couple of friends, an OW and a BS.

 

I lingered here on LS, reading and offering advice or comments as I felt the need, and have found some very smart, empathetic, no-nonsense folks here.

I never thought I would find myself in this position. I'm sure I've lingered because my gut has been screaming at me. I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

 

This is a club I never wanted to join:(

 

 

PS to dichotomy: I screenshotted all text and phone logs.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Dancewithme

[68_f100]

Ask to borrow his phone and look. See if the texts are there. If he is deleting them then it's probably not good. I have a lady friend I grew up with and text as much or more than my wife some days. Nothing ever even comes close to crossing the line and never would. News isn't always bad news.

[BuddyX]

Gather evidence but do not expose. You do not have a smoking gun. Agree with others, VAR under the car seat.

[Chica80]

I'm sorry to say does not look good...but trust your instincts until you get more evidence.

 

I don't know if you want to hear this. MM and I text at night in the morning throughout the day.

 

If nothing has happened yet there are still boundaries that have been crossed.

[Birdies]

Ask to borrow his phone and look. See if the texts are there. If he is deleting them then it's probably not good. I have a lady friend I grew up with and text as much or more than my wife some days. Nothing ever even comes close to crossing the line and never would. News isn't always bad news.

 

I agree with this. If the texts are deleted, it's a very bad sign. Even if nothing physical has happened, it's clearly an emotional affair. But with that degree of texting, I'd be surprised if nothing further had happened.

 

Has he become more territorial of his phone? Put a passcode on it when there wasn't one before? Also bad signs.

 

I cheated on my husband and those are all signs he would have picked up on, if he had been paying attention. (Not proud of it - I very much regret hurting him and being so dishonest - just adding my story for context.)

 

I'm very sorry

[Mr. Lucky]

Does your husband stay up later and/or get up earlier than you? Wondering how he'd find the privacy to communicate with her when you're together at home.

 

Also, you said the phone records only go back two months. How long ago did you start feeling uncomfortable around her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dancewithme]

Does your husband stay up later and/or get up earlier than you? Wondering how he'd find the privacy to communicate with her when you're together at home.

 

Also, you said the phone records only go back two months. How long ago did you start feeling uncomfortable around her?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hubby gets up a few minutes before I do. When he's getting dressed, I fix breakfast, then we eat together. In the evening, he goes to the bedroom first to get ready for bed, I'm usually doing something in the kitchen or laundry room before I join him. It's just a matter of a few minutes either way.

 

He is always on his phone "responding to emails" . With the nature of his profession, he's done this for years. I've never thought anything odd about it.

When I checked the records, the texts to her coincided with these times. A few phone calls from home when I was traveling, otherwise, the phone calls and texts took place during business hours, or morning and evening commute time.

 

I have felt "something" about her for about a year. I've just pushed it out of my head, because she is so nice. It never occurred to me to suspect anything or check phone records until my last trip, and I Felt weird when I couldn't reach him.

 

The VAR is ordered. I will not show my hand until I have irrefutable evidence. I feel sick:sick:

Edited September 8, 2016 by Dancewithme

[BuddyX]

While I did recommend the VAR, I must caution you, there are things you can't unhear.

From what you described he's at the very least in an emotional affair. Just be prepare with the VAR when you hit playback

 

Hoping for the best for you.

[ShatteredLady]

I trusted my H completely. He worked in one of those departments that's incredibly social. I cooked the food for the cook-offs. Made the costumes for every dress-up thing they did. You know?

 

a new assistant of sorts joined the department. Her & her long-term boyfriend invited us to court side basketball. He was one of those guys with a wandering eye. He spoke to my breasts all night! It didn't come as a surprise that they split-up a little while later. I assumed so I never asked the poor woman why?

 

My H was very supportive of her. He's such a 'nice guy'. He even talked me into throwing a birthday party for her in our house. She didn't really have any friends so I invited the department & some single guys I knew.

 

Me & her spoke a lot that night. She kept going on about how nice my husband was. I remember getting a bit offended because she was also saying how much she likes English men (we're English) as if my H was only so great because he was English!!

 

Somehow the subject of her being single came-up again at the end of the night when many guests had left. She walked over, flopped on OUR sofa & said "What I really miss is feeling a mans arms around me on the sofa at night!". My blood ran cold! My H was stood next to me & the whole atmosphere in the room changed. It felt awkward. I was drunk but my instincts went crazy. It felt like my H should join her on the sofa & I should leave. Awkward!!!

 

As I said, I trusted my H completely. He started to change. Day by day he became a different person. Cold, distant. In the end it became very abusive. I started to dig & the first thing I found was a photo (innocent) of the 2 of them in MY HOUSE hugging! Then I snooped email. In the end I found the receipts for the flowers he was sending her....that was about 9 months of increasing hell after the birthday party.

 

In hindsight I knew! That moment, that night, I knew! Trust made me stupid. I called myself rediculous for even thinking that my H could betray me.

[Lowrider93]

If he is innocent then he will have nothing to hide now or in the future.

 

If at some point you need to question him, pay attention to how defensive he may be. Any red flags go up?

 

Peace

[Mr. Lucky]

I have felt "something" about her for about a year. I've just pushed it out of my head, because she is so nice. It never occurred to me to suspect anything or check phone records until my last trip, and I Felt weird when I couldn't reach him.

 

Odds of EA only over that length of time not good but don't jump to any conclusions, that's why you need to keep digging. Don't forget to check any financial records you have access to for unexplained gifts or expenditures.

 

Get the facts and hold off on any decisions until better informed. Stay strong and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry. Best case scenario, he's having an emotional affair without really admitting it to himself. More likely, he's knowingly crossed the line. Prepare yourself that it might be a PA as well and protect yourself accordingly.

[Dancewithme]

Well, here goes nothing. I have the VAR. Will place it sometime over the weekend.

 

I'm still monitoring the phone records, the calls and texts are continuing at the same rate.

 

I still have to figure out a way to read the texts. I've never thought about this before, but hubby is very protective of his phone. It's always been password protected because he conducts business with it, but he seems to have it with him more often. He even had it with him in the bathroom this morning, before I got out of bed. I heard him drop it. I have my own phone, it's new, and better than his, so it would look weird for me to ask to borrow his. However, if the VAR reveals anything damning, all pleasantries are off, and I'm demanding to see the texts.

 

I feel very ill, having these suspicions of my best friend, soul mate, and father of my children. I feel very defensive of him when I read these postings, and I want to reply " he's not like that! My husband is not like those other guys, he's a good guy. He will never do that to me!" But facts are facts, when looked at with an ice cold eye.

 

I deserve an Academy Award for the acting job I'm doing. I feel like my ulcers are returning. My dog knows what Im going through, when no one is around.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still have to figure out a way to read the texts. I've never thought about this before, but hubby is very protective of his phone. It's always been password protected because he conducts business with it, but he seems to have it with him more often. He even had it with him in the bathroom this morning, before I got out of bed. I heard him drop it.

 

I've never bought the "my phone is private because I use it for business" excuse. Doesn't he talk about his business with you? My wife is my sounding board, rare that I present a work idea to someone I haven't bounced off her first. Lock out the rest of the world, yes. But your spouse, no.

 

Trust your instincts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BuddyX]

Full disclosure I'm quite Jaded. But "Fate" and "Soul Mate" are strippers I met in Florida. Your husband is human. He has flaws. And this could be a big one. Do not ever put your husband on a pedestal.

[Lobe]

I have my own phone, it's new, and better than his, so it would look weird for me to ask to borrow his.

 

Turn your phone off (or you can actually let your battery run down) and ask to borrow his to make a call because your battery is dead... his reaction to that alone should be an indication of how "protective" he is of the content on his phone.

 

The VAR might turn up something useful as well.

 

All I can say is brace yourself - you may be about to hear and see things you cannot unhear or unsee. You may be attacked, blamed, faced with a litany of excuses, gaslighting, lies, and a very very twisted logic as to why he feels the affair was OK. My hope for you, though, is first that you find nothing but that if you do, your husband comes clean and confesses everything and that you find the strength to handle it with your dignity intact.

 

Remember this, above all else: if he has been cheating IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

My fingers toes eyes and nipples are crossed hoping that you just have really crappy intuition...

[Dancewithme]

I've never bought the "my phone is private because I use it for business" excuse. Doesn't he talk about his business with you? My wife is my sounding board, rare that I present a work idea to someone I haven't bounced off her first. Lock out the rest of the world, yes. But your spouse, no.

 

Trust your instincts...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He's always kept the phone locked because he has a lot of proprietary information on it in files, emails, etc. Our kids were always tech savvy, and loving to "borrow" the parents' devices. He couldn't risk viruses, other malware that seem to follow teens around on their devices, or people easily accessing that info. I've always had my phone password protected for that reason also.

Hubby's profession requires licensure, and many certifications, so, he has to be careful.

 

We've always talked about his business with me, I even joke that I should be on salary there because I find myself helping him with some of his work. Most folks in his office know of me, we seem to get on well. But, because of the nature of his work, there is some travel, dinner meetings, off-site work. Lots of phone calls and emails to and from folks I don't know. He's not tied to an office 9-5 everyday. I've often joked with him that if he wanted to cheat on me, his job would be perfect for it. I've trusted him for so long, that's what makes this so hard.

[Lobe]

I've often joked with him that if he wanted to cheat on me, his job would be perfect for it. I've trusted him for so long, that's what makes this so hard.

 

I made jokes about my husband saying hi to his girlfriend when he worked overtime for years. It was a joke, until it wasn't - maybe you can use that tack as a litmus test. Tell him to say hi to his girl friend for you and see how he responds...

 

You could also try rekindling the romance in your relationship - you might want to hold off having sex until you know if he's had a PA but you can start doing things like making his favourite meal, asking him to help you lingerie shop, sending him a naughty picture... see how he responds... Failing all else, if he's not having an affair, you will get a little woowoo back in your relationship...

[Dancewithme]

The bottom line, I feel his contact with this woman has been excessive, secretive, and inappropriate. The thing I'm after now is finding out how bad the contact is. chatty friends, EA, or PA. It will determine how big the dent in his head and wallet will be.