Do I have evidence?

[alwayshopful]

I have not been happy in my relationship for awhile...it always seems as though we are on different pages. I feel like a team and a bff is how a relationship should be but my SO is very selfish, detached and it seems like it's a wave. I never know what to think. One week he is very into us and the next off in his own world.

 

Recently he bought some new cologne, seemed really turned on a lot. I got suspicious...he said it was because his cologne from before didn't have staying power in the heat. Ok...reasonable.

 

He got a new phone last week...I couldn't resist...I semi went through it. I don't really like that sort of thing. I think people should just trust but I found some things on it that make me wonder.

Internet searches and articles showing up in his history like the following.

 

ignoring a ex gf to get her back

ignoring a girl your friend zoned by to make her pay attn to you

learning to seduce with the push pull technique

what do her mixed signals mean

how to raise an interest level

3 signs on how to tell if a girl i like is interested

11 things every girl does before responding to a text

if you start ignoring a girl will she notice

12 secret reasons why people like social media posts

Blurred lines - What her mixed signals mean

He was on a dating advise forum

How to flip the script on a girl

How to play a player

When game playing works

Firstmet.com was listed on there...various other things... I mean I only took several pages of history but there was plenty more.

 

Anyone think that him denying he is doing anything is also reasonable? Nothing is going on. I wasn't looking for a reason??

[ShatteredLady]

I don't know what FirstMet.com & things like that are. Is it a dating site? Was there any evidence (emails, messaging apps etc) that made you think it's another woman?

 

I think we need a bit more info....

 

You say, "One week he is very into us and the next off in his own world.". Is it possible that he's doing (a bad job) of trying to rekindle YOUR interest in him? Could he be researching this sort of thing to make YOU more passionate about him?

[alwayshopful]

FirstMet is a dating site...I had to look it up too. I had never heard of it.

He got very defensive when I confronted him. Didn't say if was about us as a matter of fact came back at me the next day saying it could have been about us. Never said it was...just said it could and I took that like it wasn't. All the defensiveness was hard...always deflecting it back on me. No other evidence...I was nervous looking in the fuse place and didn't look at much else bc of the fact that emails and FB could still be connected via our home wifi but I didn't see any text messages or recent odd calls on his log but then again those are easy things to delete. I screwed it all up and should have just gone for it after I found all the articles he read.

[ShatteredLady]

Ugh! I know I was trying to be positive but things don't sound good.

 

There are plenty of members here who are very knowledgable about online 'spying' & gathering information in these situations.

 

I blindly believed my husband for many, many months until I got into his messaging history & found things (I wish I'd never read) that I REALLY needed to know!

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. There's no reason I can possibly think of for a loyal, faithful man to be on dating sites. Sorry

[alwayshopful]

Yeah, I don't have much but what I do have and his behavior tells me my gut knows something is not right. Why keep this relationship though if you are carrying on with someone else. We aren't even married.

He is adamant nothing is going on but has no reason for visiting those sites or reading the articles other than they just pop up sometimes from email. Uhh no!

The fact that he turns it all around on me...I shouldn't be snooping. Usually the one having the affair is the one accusing. I'm sure there is stuff on your phone I would not be happy about etc etc. I'm the one never happy, I'm the one that always brings up issues. He always trusts me...this is my fault.

[CarrieT]

The fact that he turns it all around on me...I

Google "gas lighting" and see if it feels familiar.

[alwayshopful]

Funny I read an article about that this morning...totally sounds like what is going on. Btw I should mention he is a recovering alcoholic/addict and lots of these things are classic for someone that was a addict so it's really hard to tell sometimes. Ugh I love him and don't want to believe it but how can you justify his reaction, not to mention his answer. I said I want to know why you are looking at articles with this kind of info and who is she? There is no one, there hasn't been anyone, I would never hurt you.

Oh another thing, his work has been suffering this month too...been doing great since he started this job 10 mos ago...this month in the toilet. Just a slow month? Idk but I do know when he gets obsessed with something he cannot focus on other things.

[BetrayedH]

Putting it all back on you as if you're crazy is called, gaslighting. It's a common defense.

 

Do you have evidence? Some circumstantial, I suppose. What you're missing here is that you probably want enough evidence to feel like you can make a confidently informed decision about continuing in this relationship. That, you don't have.

 

Hopefully you've learned the folly of confronting a wayward without undeniable proof. Comically, they usually just deny it still anyway. It's difficult to emotionally avoid, but stop thinking about the confrontation. You don't need to convince him that he's cheating (or not). He already knows. What you need to do is to convince yourself so that you can be confident in your decisions moving forward.

 

The key is actually to stop confronting him. Play stupid and compliant. And go into investigative mode. You clearly have enough here to justify finding out the truth. It's fairly apparent that he's not giving it to you. In fact, he's probably deleting everything possible.

 

The best confrontation is coming home to find his stuff on the front porch. Or better yet, a note that it's on the porch of his other girlfriend now that he'll be moving in.

 

Ok, maybe I went a step too far there for your scenario as it sits. What I can tell you is that many of us here have learned to trust our gut in these situations. Otherwise, be smart and make decisions with your head instead of your emotions.

 

Just my $.02

 

Good luck.

[alwayshopful]

Yep, well it's his house so it will be coming home to no one. Empty...my stuff and me gone!! I just have to figure out how to make it so I know it's real and call his BS. Ugh

[alwayshopful]

We will see if he leaves his phone sitting around anymore. As it is now the other one is hidden somewhere...probably in his truck now and not in the house. Lesson learned for sure. If I find anything next time I will find something other than just websites and articles.

[BetrayedH]

If you can't find what you need electronically, many have had success by placing a voice activated recorder in the wayward's car (velcro under the steering column or seat). I put a GPS on my wife's car and found she'd been to a hotel from 10pm to midnight (instead of being a work).

 

There are many more ways.

[Popsicle]

He may be posting on relationship message boards or a PUA forums out of boredom and is looking these things up.

 

I'd get some harder evidence than what you have. A voice recorder is a good idea. You could also check this phone call records.

[BetrayedH]

He may be posting on relationship message boards or a PUA forums out of boredom and is looking these things up.

 

I'd get some harder evidence than what you have. A voice recorder is a good idea. You could also check this phone call records.

 

I learned a lot from internet history, emails, notes, contacts, indexed searches...

 

I dug, and dug, and dug until there was no more to be found. And then I dug more and found more. Eventually, it was enough.

[Lois_Griffin]

I have not been happy in my relationship for awhile...it always seems as though we are on different pages. I feel like a team and a bff is how a relationship should be but my SO is very selfish, detached and it seems like it's a wave. I never know what to think. One week he is very into us and the next off in his own world.

 

Recently he bought some new cologne, seemed really turned on a lot. I got suspicious...he said it was because his cologne from before didn't have staying power in the heat. Ok...reasonable.

 

He got a new phone last week...I couldn't resist...I semi went through it. I don't really like that sort of thing. I think people should just trust but I found some things on it that make me wonder.

Internet searches and articles showing up in his history like the following.

 

ignoring a ex gf to get her back

ignoring a girl your friend zoned by to make her pay attn to you

learning to seduce with the push pull technique

what do her mixed signals mean

how to raise an interest level

3 signs on how to tell if a girl i like is interested

11 things every girl does before responding to a text

if you start ignoring a girl will she notice

12 secret reasons why people like social media posts

Blurred lines - What her mixed signals mean

He was on a dating advise forum

How to flip the script on a girl

How to play a player

When game playing works

Firstmet.com was listed on there...various other things... I mean I only took several pages of history but there was plenty more.

 

Anyone think that him denying he is doing anything is also reasonable? Nothing is going on. I wasn't looking for a reason??

Such a snake - right down to the hidden phone.

 

As someone else said, Romeo's been looking at PUA crap because he's obviously been chasing someone who won't give him the time of day.

 

Whether it's his ex or some woman he met through his job, he's obviously pursuing someone quite heavily.

Why keep this relationship though if you are carrying on with someone else. We aren't even married.

That's usually because most cheaters aren't looking to change what they have at home, or give it up. They're looking to ADD to what they've already got.

 

And some cheaters who are looking to 'trade up' will you keep as the current option until they're positive they've got a sure thing and then suddenly you're getting the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. You see this ALL the time on message boards.

 

So, you know what he's up to. It ain't rocket science.

[Survivor12]

Based on the articles from his phone, it sounds to me like he's trying to get back with an ex or has it bad for someone new who is resisting.

[alwayshopful]

What is PUA?? We aren't married so I don't have access to phone records and I don't know if there is a spare set of keys sitting around the house for his car either. I would be scared to go into it to attach anything as he would have to be home for me to do it. Ugh...this is really not cool. I just hope after this whole blow up he realized what he might have been trying to do or started to do was not good and that he really wasn't lying about nothing going on. I just don't feel good about the whole situation. I was thinking about putting some sort of monitoring on the laptop. It is my laptop that he uses and he doesn't log in under my secure admin area...he just logs in where the my kids used too when they lived at home.

[ChickiePops]

What is PUA?? We aren't married so I don't have access to phone records and I don't know if there is a spare set of keys sitting around the house for his car either. I would be scared to go into it to attach anything as he would have to be home for me to do it. Ugh...this is really not cool. I just hope after this whole blow up he realized what he might have been trying to do or started to do was not good and that he really wasn't lying about nothing going on. I just don't feel good about the whole situation. I was thinking about putting some sort of monitoring on the laptop. It is my laptop that he uses and he doesn't log in under my secure admin area...he just logs in where the my kids used too when they lived at home.

 

PUA is Pick Up Artist. Google it..it's absolutely vile. It's all about tricking women into worshipping men as if we are second class citizens.

[Mr. Lucky]

The key is actually to stop confronting him. Play stupid and compliant. And go into investigative mode. You clearly have enough here to justify finding out the truth. It's fairly apparent that he's not giving it to you. In fact, he's probably deleting everything possible.

 

alwayshopful, you glossed over this, it's the best advice you've gotten. If he is cheating or looking to, the more you confront him on this the further underground he'll go.

 

Do nothing but smile for the next 30 days while you look for the truth. I'd guess the answer will become apparent pretty quickly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BuddyX]

As stated, give yourself 30 days. Stick a VAR under his car seat. Pay attention to his actions.

 

Start working on an Exit strategy. The fact that he's not your husband means you might be dodging a bullet here.

[alwayshopful]

I see what you mean. I have been planning one for awhile...this just makes it all the worse. I am sick to my stomach over all this. I really thought he was too lazy to do something like this. He told me when we started seeing each other than he never dates people at work because that just makes things messy. I still think that is where this person is...maybe she is married and is a really nice person and he is taking it the wrong way...idk but I guess time will tell.

[BuddyX]

I see what you mean. I have been planning one for awhile...this just makes it all the worse. I am sick to my stomach over all this. I really thought he was too lazy to do something like this. He told me when we started seeing each other than he never dates people at work because that just makes things messy. I still think that is where this person is...maybe she is married and is a really nice person and he is taking it the wrong way...idk but I guess time will tell.

 

Oh boy. The fact that you believed that lie is frightening. "Im too lazy to cheat".

 

Time to figure out what you want in life. This is a good time for you to, what I call trimming dead wood, eliminate people and things that are weighing you down.

 

Reconnect with family and friends. Go to a party. Have a girls night out. This is your time to shine.

[BTDT2012]

If you aren't married, and not happy, why not just end the relationship? No need to jump through a bunch of hoops. Figure out what will make you happy and do it.

[ladydesigner]

The key is actually to stop confronting him. Play stupid and compliant. And go into investigative mode.

 

This^ if you want real answers you are going to have to dig deeper now and you have alerted him about his phone. He will actively start deleting everything.

 

I would back his phone up or run a Dr Fone on it while he's asleep.

 

Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car.

 

Go silent on him and just watch, read and listen.

[BetrayedH]

I see what you mean. I have been planning one for awhile...this just makes it all the worse. I am sick to my stomach over all this. I really thought he was too lazy to do something like this. He told me when we started seeing each other than he never dates people at work because that just makes things messy. I still think that is where this person is...maybe she is married and is a really nice person and he is taking it the wrong way...idk but I guess time will tell.

 

Emotionally, it certainly sucks. For most of us, we thought our partner was the one person that would always have our back. It turns out that they are just as susceptible to chasing validation from the opposite sex as anyone else.

 

Maybe he hasn't done anything yet but it sure seems like he wants to try. That seems like way too many articles on this one subject to me.

 

Some people don't have the stomach for all of the investigating. It does take some guts to sneak into the damn car in the middle of the night, both to place something and retrieve it. Some also figure that if you're at that point, the trust is gone and the relationship is essentially over anyway. For me, I was married with two kids. I had to be sure one way or the other. I suspect that if you're living together, that means you're somewhat invested and it's a bit tougher than just dumping him and cutting off contact.

[alwayshopful]

I'm not sure I could snoop while he is asleep as i'm usually the one up before he is...then the car keys on the nightstand with the phone etc. Ugh.

 

No, I have been thinking about leaving anyway...just really hard financially, emotionally, we have dogs together, etc etc. Always something I guess.

 

Idk...