Is there any place for SnapChat on a phone of a married person or in a LTR

[JoeSmith357-1]

I've posted about my trust issues with my current LT GF.

 

Things have been better, but now something new has popped up.

 

SnapChat

 

The way I understand it, SnapChat you can send messages (chats), pictures, videos, and they can be viewed once, for like 10 seconds, and never again.

 

No history, no logging, nothing. Like it never happened.

 

Sounds to me like the perfect app for cheaters. No paper trail.

 

So a couple weeks ago, my GF, publicly mind you, announces on Facebook that she is on SnapChat.

 

I ask her what it is, she shows me. I don't really get it initially, but she was having fun with some of the picture filters. She's in her mid 30's and acting like a teen with these stupid photo filters, but that's another story.

 

Anyway, several of her female co-workers are on it, I don't think much of it.

 

Until I see "notifications" in the morning and other times from guys, including people I know she has dated in the past.

 

So here I am thinking "here we go again"... I caught her sexting, now she has a tool to do it again, with no way for me to know...

 

So, thoughts about the app? I got to thinking about it, and it's very popular for kids because there is no history for their parents to see. What legitimate use does it serve?

 

To me it's the same thing as texting or IM's, but with no history. So why would you go out of your way to do this unless you have ulterior motives

[JoeSmith357-1]

And back to my situation, I can ask to see her snapchat, or demand she use it only in front of me. No way to enforce that.

 

This is not helping my trust issues

[road]

google it

 

 

I believe what is sent on SC gets deleted automatically so there is no evidence.

[JoeSmith357-1]

google it

 

 

I believe what is sent on SC gets deleted automatically so there is no evidence.

 

I'm aware of how SnapChat works. That's not my question. I don't have to google it.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you guys had conversations laying out your boundaries about talking to ex's, coworkers etc?

 

I believe that once you've cheated the 'rules' change. Your comfort should be important to her.

 

It sounds like your relationship isn't very happy or secure. You're not married, do you have children?

 

When a partner does something like playing with silly photograph filters we can choose to find it cute, a laugh, kooky, dumb or bloody stupid! The more of her nature that crosses into the negative the more you need to think about your relationship!

 

You sound like you're nurturing a dose of resentment. Are you sure this is where you want to be?

 

 

Note

I have downloaded apps just because a friend has asked me to. If my friends were using it I would. If I had a history of online infidelity & my H asked me not to because it triggered him I would delete the app.

Edited August 26, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[yepsurething]

have you told her you worry about snap chat or have seen she's chatting with her exes?

 

I'd hate it personally if my husband was on snapchat. because it has no history. and I guess I have trust issues as well with my spouse.

 

if she's sexted in the past and you've discussed that will she be willing to get rid of the app. it's a pretty stupid app and seems very teen centered to me, I had it for about 5 minutes because my daughter wanted to see the filters you can put on your face but I deleted it because it was not for me.

 

so, sorry your are feeling stressed by this, another modern world dilemma.

 

and no, I see no reason for an app that deletes history right away. seems deceptive.

[cc_zero]

anyone who has been caught cheating within a reasonable amount of time... like say in the past 3 years.. has no business on SnapChat.

 

my wife tried to download it after a friend showed her at work to "use the funny filters", I said no way.. delete that s#$t absolutely no chat apps that retain zero history. Anything with no history is out.

 

That said... if you haven't cheated and have no history in which you shouldn't be held to some higher level of trust then there's no issue.

 

Previous cheaters... NO WAY.

[hippychick3]

Your issue has nothing to do with Snapchat. Your issue has to do with the fact that your gf has a history of cheating, and there are now trust issues (understandably).

 

Regardless of whether or not she has Snapchat, it sounds like you're in a relationship with someone you can't trust. That's not a good sign that this will last even if she didn't have Snapchat.

[Joie]

Only you and her can decide what you are comfortable with in your relationship. You are allowed to be uncomfortable with snapchat but you must be comfortable in telling her that you don't want her to use it and why. Then she can decide if that is something she is willing to do. Not talking about it just causes you pain and anger.

[Els]

Snapchat is perfectly normal, and people's choice of messaging platform mostly just depends on what their friends use.

 

That being said, if she has a history of cheating then it's understandable for you to be paranoid about everything, but in that case maybe you'd want to question if staying in this R is right for you.

[JoeSmith357-1]

anyone who has been caught cheating within a reasonable amount of time... like say in the past 3 years.. has no business on SnapChat.

 

my wife tried to download it after a friend showed her at work to "use the funny filters", I said no way.. delete that s#$t absolutely no chat apps that retain zero history. Anything with no history is out.

 

Previous cheaters... NO WAY.

 

That is my thoughts.

 

As it is, she disappears to the bathroom with her phone several times in the course of the evening as is. At times it's comical. I have no idea what she's doing, but my mind wanders and I always think the worst. Her using snapchat just makes this worse.

[Lobe]

As it is, she disappears to the bathroom with her phone several times in the course of the evening as is. At times it's comical. I have no idea what she's doing, but my mind wanders and I always think the worst. Her using snapchat just makes this worse.

 

I'm usually trying to best my score in Angry Birds when I take my phone in there...

 

You have serious trust issues with this woman. Are you planning on marrying/starting a family/growing old with this girl? If yes, then trust issues over SnapChat is the least of your worries. Time to seriously take stock of what you both want and expect from one another - if you feel like she cannot be trusted or if she feels like she should not have to prove she is trustworthy, then I'm not sure you have a sturdy foundation.

[spanz1]

it IS a very popular texting method, particularly with young people. So, this is like shoveling sand against the tide...good luck demanding she remove it without looking like a crazy man. You have to trust her.

 

Now, on the other hand, if she has been caught cheating....THEN there is no excuse for her to have that app on her phone. You should then justifiably demand it be removed.

[aliveagain]

Your problem isn't SnapChat, your problem is your still with a woman that cheated on you and hasn't done enough to gain your trust back. The more time you waste on her the less likely you will meet the woman you should be with because to them you are unavailable, your in a fulltime relationship.

[JoeSmith357-1]

it IS a very popular texting method, particularly with young people. So, this is like shoveling sand against the tide...good luck demanding she remove it without looking like a crazy man. You have to trust her.

 

Now, on the other hand, if she has been caught cheating....THEN there is no excuse for her to have that app on her phone. You should then justifiably demand it be removed.

 

1. She's not a teenager, she's in her mid 30's

2. She HAS been caught cheating and we are working on it

 

 

My purpose for this thread I guess is to ask people of my age group (late 30's/40's), what legitimate purpose does an app that's sole purpose seems to be stealthy communications have?

 

It seems to be designed by and for people with something to hide (teens and cheaters)

[JoeSmith357-1]

Your problem isn't SnapChat, your problem is your still with a woman that cheated on you and hasn't done enough to gain your trust back. The more time you waste on her the less likely you will meet the woman you should be with because to them you are unavailable, your in a fulltime relationship.

 

I'm not denying what you write. But I am trying real hard to work on this.

 

It may be a lost cause, and maybe i'm stupid for it, but i'm trying to make this work.

[MidnightBlue1980]

1. She's not a teenager, she's in her mid 30's

2. She HAS been caught cheating and we are working on it

 

 

My purpose for this thread I guess is to ask people of my age group (late 30's/40's), what legitimate purpose does an app that's sole purpose seems to be stealthy communications have?

 

It seems to be designed by and for people with something to hide (teens and cheaters)

 

You are correct that it is used by cheaters. It is also though a huge marketing tool. People advertise on it. I admit I am not too familiar but I've read about it as I have a business. Here is a link. Does your gf have a business?

 

https://blog.hootsuite.com/snapchat-for-business-guide/

[cc_zero]

I'm usually trying to best my score in Angry Birds when I take my phone in there...

 

You have serious trust issues with this woman. Are you planning on marrying/starting a family/growing old with this girl? If yes, then trust issues over SnapChat is the least of your worries. Time to seriously take stock of what you both want and expect from one another - if you feel like she cannot be trusted or if she feels like she should not have to prove she is trustworthy, then I'm not sure you have a sturdy foundation.

 

I disagree. If someone has been recently caught cheating, it is normal to not trust them yet (you shouldn't) and it is perfectly reasonably to ask them not to use chat apps that retain no history. Recent cheaters, especially ones that had a LTA should not be using any chat apps that even have an option for turning off history.

 

The WS needs to be helped along some. What if she signs up for Snapchat and the AP finds her and sends a message? Will she resist replying? All to easy to do it and not have anyone know. All avenues of possibly screwing up NC need to be removed in order to protect the marriage.

Edited August 26, 2016 by cc_zero

[cc_zero]

Your problem isn't SnapChat, your problem is your still with a woman that cheated on you and hasn't done enough to gain your trust back. The more time you waste on her the less likely you will meet the woman you should be with because to them you are unavailable, your in a fulltime relationship.

 

You always seem to be of the thought that the WS should be perfectly trustable again after being caught and immediately do everything in their power to never mess up again.

 

It rarely works this way. People who were in LTA's will have times where they are fighting with emotions and NC. Precautions need to be taken to protect the marriage so they aren't tempted. You cannot control the AP trying to contact them in some method and tempting them back.

 

Chat apps even with options to turn off history should be removed for a good period of time after discovery of the affair.

[aliveagain]

You always seem to be of the thought that the WS should be perfectly trustable again after being caught and immediately do everything in their power to never mess up again.

 

It rarely works this way. People who were in LTA's will have times where they are fighting with emotions and NC. Precautions need to be taken to protect the marriage so they aren't tempted. You cannot control the AP trying to contact them in some method and tempting them back.

 

Chat apps even with options to turn off history should be removed for a good period of time after discovery of the affair.

 

Sorry friend but after being through it three times my tolerance for infidelity is like your name, zero. When a girlfriend cheats on you and there are no children involved my tolerance level is even less. Joe sounds like a great guy, someone I would buy a drink if ever my travels were to take me to his town. He deserves to hear about our mistakes so he doesn't make the same mistakes and gets out of infidelity a lot quicker then we did. Someone broken before marriage is a high risk in my opinion. Joe deserves to be happy, not being able to trust the person he is with does nothing to make Joe happy.

[hippychick3]

Sorry friend but after being through it three times my tolerance for infidelity is like your name, zero. When a girlfriend cheats on you and there are no children involved my tolerance level is even less. Joe sounds like a great guy, someone I would buy a drink if ever my travels were to take me to his town. He deserves to hear about our mistakes so he doesn't make the same mistakes and gets out of infidelity a lot quicker then we did. Someone broken before marriage is a high risk in my opinion. Joe deserves to be happy, not being able to trust the person he is with does nothing to make Joe happy.

 

Exactly. They're not married. Who wants to spend the rest of their life wondering who their significant other is chatting with while on the john? (No pun intended )

[cc_zero]

Sorry friend but after being through it three times my tolerance for infidelity is like your name, zero. When a girlfriend cheats on you and there are no children involved my tolerance level is even less. Joe sounds like a great guy, someone I would buy a drink if ever my travels were to take me to his town. He deserves to hear about our mistakes so he doesn't make the same mistakes and gets out of infidelity a lot quicker then we did. Someone broken before marriage is a high risk in my opinion. Joe deserves to be happy, not being able to trust the person he is with does nothing to make Joe happy.

 

I did not realize they were not married. So yes, I do agree that I personally would also not bother going through the difficulties of repairing the relationship in that case. It's too difficult. I'm personally only fighting through it because of 10 years of marriage and 3 kids and we do still love each other.

 

That said, if he intends to fight through it (which is his decision) I would still advise against allowing any chat apps. Although, I think that is difficult to enforce outside of a marriage. In a GF/BF situation, it could be counterproductive to the relationship, depends on how accepting of it she is. You'd have to suggest it for the better of the relationship rather than putting a foot down on it as I did within a marriage.

Edited August 26, 2016 by cc_zero

[merrmeade]

I tutor students from other countries. When they don't have a US phone, we can still communicate via SnapChat. Like somebody asked, does she do freelance work?

[Lobe]

I disagree. If someone has been recently caught cheating, it is normal to not trust them yet (you shouldn't) and it is perfectly reasonably to ask them not to use chat apps that retain no history. Recent cheaters, especially ones that had a LTA should not be using any chat apps that even have an option for turning off history.

 

The WS needs to be helped along some. What if she signs up for Snapchat and the AP finds her and sends a message? Will she resist replying? All to easy to do it and not have anyone know. All avenues of possibly screwing up NC need to be removed in order to protect the marriage.

 

I think you misunderstood my position. I said that if he still does not trust her, he should be considering whether he wants to continue the relationship because Snapchat isn't and won't be the only landmine in that relationship.

[Lobe]

Your problem isn't SnapChat, your problem is your still with a woman that cheated on you and hasn't done enough to gain your trust back. The more time you waste on her the less likely you will meet the woman you should be with because to them you are unavailable, your in a fulltime relationship.

 

Translation: WS should not be trusted, leave.

 

You always seem to be of the thought that the WS should be perfectly trustable again after being caught and immediately do everything in their power to never mess up again.

 

How did you get this^^^ from aliveagain's post? lol

 

I'm so confused...