My pitifully sad marriage. Need and

[walkertechie]

To begin with I am going through a divorce now with my wife of 18 years. She too is a Filipina from Davao City, Philippines. I met her in Hong Kong were she was a maid. I applied for a fiancé visa, and we married when she arrived in US. We have two lovely kids, but all are suffering from her shame, adultery, and deceit. I created this profile many years ago at a time when we were going to divorce because I believed she was cheating on me. But even then it was only after many years of her doing the same. When I married her, I had nothing. It was a struggle just to start life. We have little money, no place to live and much more. I gave up much just to marry her and bring her to the USA. But my heart was true and committed to her. She became pregnant with our first child within 4 months of arriving here. But somehow we overcame those difficult days through God's grace. Things began to improve very well soon after. Then I discovered the first time she write to some former suitor living in a different state. Even he wrote her back to say that she needed to remain committed and to try to work out our problems together. I found that letter and confront her about it.

 

For a time it seemed she understood and indeed tried to make things better. Then after the birth of our son, I found she had been texting some other man she had been flirting with. I even talk to this man on the phone. He began telling me it was my wife who approached him flirting. Again I confront her and ask her to please stop. She became angry at me for the discovery. I was so mad and began to distrust her. But I am not the type to do dirt for dirt, so I forgive her again and try to move on better in the marriage. Sometime later during my sister's baby shower, I find out she again started flirting with another man while shopping for gift for my sister baby. I really lose my head. We had big fight and I ended up thrown out of my house for 2 weeks. We decided again to patch things up and make a better life for ourselves and children. I thought that would be the end of it. A few years after that we moved to another state so we have start life fresh and have better life. The first year there things seemed very good. We both had very good jobs, and a large home in the suburbs. We even bought her a new car. Life seemed good. One day while my mom was visiting, I discovered she has bought a secret cell phone. I knew something was wrong. I would hear it ring or beep.

 

At first she said nothing, but then had to admit it was her phone. I had no idea she bought a phone. Next I began to notice she was texting but trying to hide it from me. This made me very suspicious.

One day at home I had it, I demanded the phone from her so I can see what all the interests was about. She was so nervous she was visibly shaking. I knew in my gut this was bad. To make things worse, she had a lock code and won't unlock the phone. Another argument happened. Nothing I can do. But I needed to know what was really happening. I told this to my nephew who with his wife, also a Filipina, we were able to call the cell company and reset the password on the account. My nephew and his wife got the call and text records. What they found was shocking. Hundreds of text messages between my wife and some phone number. So we called the number. A man answers. I talk to him, he sounded like some playboy. At first he deny knowing my wife, then after I tell him I see the two of them texting sometimes 30-40 times each day, he admits he knows my wife but says nothing happening, but you can tell he's lying. Nothing more to say to that guy.

 

Later when my wife arrive home I confront her in full rage. I am hurt and angry. She gets very defensive and even says to me, "If I had a gun I would shoot you", and even suggested I was impotent. I get mad and take her car keys. Next thing I knew she is hitting me and throwing things to hurt me. All the while our kids are outside. When she leaves the house, I called a friend of mine who knew what I had been going through. They recommended I call police. I did that and I filed a temporary restraining order for domestic violence. Now she is thrown out of the house.

The sad thing was I knew she was up to no good. I go to the kids school with the court order so she can't run off with the kids. Turns out that's exactly what she was trying to do, but I got there first as the principle called to tell me. I then go home and she see is there. I called the police and they come and remove her from the house. The kids had to see that. I was hurt, humiliated, shamed, embarrassed and remorseful.

 

But I did it more out of a need to see if there was indeed something wrong of me as a man. I could not carry out meeting someone fully. I still loved my wife despite the problems she caused. That was the most difficult two weeks for all of us. She was crying and upset at work, she had no place to live and sleep in her car at a park near our home. I felt I was wrong in throwing her out, and the kids needed their mom. I couldn’t be so cruel and heartless. So I violate the order and call her, so she can meet with kids. But really it was just excuse for me to try to talk sense into her. My hope was this would wake her up and make her realize what she had done was sinful and wrong. No good could come of it. At the trial date I asked the judge to dismiss the case. I did want to end my marriage and break the family. That seemed to last for some time. But not before all of the anxiety and stress built from the previous year’s caught up to me. I had a heart attack at age 43. Only through God's grace did I survive. But the experience had a lasting effect on me.

 

We moved back to California within a few weeks after that. Intent to make things better, and at least be someplace there is family that can help if things got bad. Or so I hoped. Looking back on it, I was just fooling myself, and living a lie. I keep blinders on because I felt I was so in love with my wife. My nephew and sister especially tried to tell me they didn't like how she treated me and tried to warn me that something was not right. I didn't want to listen. Besides that, my wife did all so could to play the role. Slowly I began to see things. She works in healthcare at night, and with multiple employers. I never know her schedule or where she is working at any one time. Often leaving home without even saying goodbye. But I never truly question so she don't feel I'm trying to keep tabs on her. Trying to regain trust again. I notice the passenger seat in the car has been adjusted for larger person. She is being sneaky again with her texting. She is erasing text. She is sometimes teasing me that she has boyfriend. Sex becomes almost non-existent. Even when I try to hug her she just says "move away or don't touch me". Now I'm suspicious again. So I put an application on her phone to find out the truth.

 

Well that did reveal the truth alright. What I found was again she is doing a huge amount of texting. And this time I can read the text messages and find she is having inappropriate messages with a co-worker. They are meeting for lunch, exercising, and possible for sex at a hotel. It did not help I found an address in her car for a hotel. At first I question her about the hotel address. She tries to blow it off like she had a meeting with co-workers. Then I tell her about the text messages to some guy name Shaun. Caught she had nothing to say. So I ask, " did you have sex with the man?", she replied "I don't know maybe". What do you mean by that I said, either you did or didn't. Next I ask, "are you in love with this guy?", same reply from her. Oh man God, here we go again. Same stupid thing. So once again, I call this guy to find out what is going on since she refuses to be truthful. He claims it was just innocent. But when I tell him about them sharing a kiss, or wanting to meet my kids during a holiday, he just says it was just words and tries to convince me nothing more happen.

I feel like a fool for putting up with all these bad behavior.

 

But once again I try to forgive and move on, but before I do, I once again update my profile here. Still feeling my manhood taken from me and needing to validate it is not me. How sad a life we have. That time lasted just a few weeks. The final straw for me came when I noticed that they again text each other. This time I see the GPS track her to San Diego where this he lives. Again big argument, with the same reply from her " did you have sex with the man?", she replied "I don't know maybe". Somehow we calmed down. We make up and make love. She tells me it never got that far with him. I plead with her to not do this anymore. It's not good for us or kids. So I feel maybe we turn a corner and can reconcile or marriage. For a time it seems to work.

Then when it is time to renew the lease on our home, I see she gets email from an apartment complex. When I ask her about it, she confess it is for HER apartment. Turns out she rent a 1 bedroom apartment. And with less than 2 weeks to go I have to scramble to find a place to live. In the end, the landlord throw our things out on the street. I have nowhere to live because she just left me and kids. So we all move into her apartment.

 

Finally I decide I have no choice, I file for divorce from her. Before I do I get more info from her phone. I was able to hear and record the conversations she was having live. I heard her talk about how she used to go to strip clubs in Mexico, and her other special friend to other women. I am devastated. But foolishly still in love with her. Eventually I move out from her place and she gets served with the divorce papers. She is extremely angry. I am extremely hurt. But what am I to do. She has taken from me every but of trust, humanity, being a man and a father, every evil thing one person can do to another. I am a wounded animal. I can't stand the pain, and my blind love for her just can't bring myself to destroy our marriage. So one last desperate attempt, I started looking at moving the family here to Texas. Over the course of a few weeks, she seems to relax and come around. I think perhaps she realize again this is wrong. So we agree to end the divorce and move to Texas. I am happy and thanking God for helping us from mistake.

 

The first two years her are not too bad. We are able to do a lot right from the beginning, buy land, live in lovely home, gets in great school, new cars, and no drama. We even plan to build retirement home in Davao, even getting approved for bank loan there. Her sister help us by going to look at the homes we like. We also consider moving to Belize which is even closer to the US. And was supposed to go there for a visit in two weeks. But that was just short time. I start to see the pattern start AGAIN! First I catch her chatting with some guy in Saudi. Later find it is her niece husband. I feel like a fool. But then again, she starts creating multiple Facebook profiles, different email addresses, even using her maiden name in most to hide. But I see them and know there's a problem. Indeed she is friending men in different countries and more. I've had it. I just can't take it anymore.

I confront her by telephone when I am at work. I know I have a problem and leave to come home. She has left the house by then. Leaving the kids home alone. It gets worse from here.

 

She never has been honest or truthful to me. I had to use extreme measures to find the truth. I am not a violent man who threaten her. But my problem is I gave everything I am to save a marriage that couldn't be saved. It is like slow death by a thousand cuts. You realize you are bleeding but refuse to get medical attention until it’s too late. I am devastated at this time. We had just return home from vacationing for my family reunion. Even her sister joined us there. So all my family meet her. But I am losing my mind at this point. I can't take the thought of my marriage failure or possibility my wife cheating. What's more is even I ask, she still play games and not tell the truth. I'm begging and pleading for her to return. Really pitiful and stupid I am for doing this. She never loved me. At this point my health is really failing. I have heart disease, diabetes type 2, hypertension, and vascular disease in both legs and feet so bad that doctor was worried I would have stroke or need to amputate .

 

One day I am talking to my niece who sends me a picture my wife uploaded to her Facebook. It is a nude picture. Not only did my family see it, her family saw it, even our kids saw it. And that's just those who had a chance before Facebook remove the picture. But not before my niece got a copy. I called and told her sister, sent a copy of it and she can't believe it either. Everyone is angry at my wife. No one knows why she is doing any of this. She won’t even talk to her own sister. A few days after she leave I can't endure the pain. So one afternoon when she is here I beg for her to not leave, she says no, I decide I don't want to live. So I leave the house intent to commit suicide. I go to a park and take my pain pills. I don't know why God decide to keep me here, but I took more than enough to die. After I do that I got to church and talk to priest. I explain what I did, and confess to God. I then go to hospital but they didn't find I was a danger to myself. Not even a trace of the drugs I took in my system. So I go home. But my wife still not home. But I think maybe we can recover.

 

Wrong again. Even after acting like a family again by going out to eat, buying Sam's Club memberships, and much more, her doing this, same deception from her. The next day the two of us go shopping, somehow we get into argument again. This time with her telling me she hated me, and always wanted to leave long ago. Too painful again. I can't take. This is I ask her to leave with kids. I can't live without my family and the shame of this massive failure. She takes the kids out and calls police, When they get here I explain what is happening. They ask her to come in so we can talk. The police ask her why she thinks I'm doing this. She says Terry knows why. I explain I truly don't and she plays with truth. Not sure why she has cheated. She then blurts out, she cheated on me to hurt me. The police ask, how long have this been going on since you been in Texas, she says no maybe since she been in US. Now all of a sudden in this one instance, after waiting 18 years for the truth, I feel relieved and vindicated. I feel free knowing that after all this she must admit her sin, and I am not the bad man she tried to tell others. She put the blame on me to cover for her sins all these years, and I'm paying the price for it.

 

The worst part of all this has been my overriding need to make sure i was not accusing her falsely. After all it is one of God's commandments that Thou Shalt not Bear False witness. Just as much as not to commit adultery. Even more, I tried all I could to be a good husband and father. faithful, loyal, always giving into her desires despite negative feelings or bad treatment from her. All that's left is ashes of broken dream, shattered hopes, and the waste of 18 years of marriage. Our kids are feeling it as well. It's been a truly miserable time. I till you these things because I must avoid the mistakes of the past. I've allowed myself to take on her sins. But in a true sense husbands always try to protect their wives and families. But just not to this extent. I allowed my love for her to rule over common sense. Always afraid for my kids having a broken home. Now at a time I needed her most, she is no longer here. So there is but one conclusion to this. Divorce. I share all this with you so you understand me fully.

 

But still refuses to help pay for any household bills. Our daughters car in in danger of being repossed and utilities in danger of getting shut off. All in violation of the standing orders from the court. Still creating new online Facebook, email accounts and other profiles. I suppose that despite all this, she appears to now be in Default, as today is the last day to file a response. As you can probably tell, I’m in that dark place, and I pray to find the strength to find my way out.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm terribly sorry for everything that you've been going through.

 

Reading through something really stood out....your wife would be considered very erratic, self destructive, know what I mean?

 

 

Can I ask which pain medication you took & about how many? Do you take pain pills, same amount, everyday? How much? Extended or instant release? How long have you been on pain medication?

 

Is there any chance that your wife has been swapping out your pills & taking them? I'm a chronic pain patient who supported others for over a decade. It's not as crazy as it sounds.

 

 

All these times! You must of spoken so much about EVERYTHING so very many times. What does she say when you ask her "Why"? Are these all men that she meets in real life or has she met any through dating sites?

 

 

I'm so sorry

[Lobe]

Sometimes you need to let people take their own path to self-destruction because you can no longer be a party to it. You've enabled her for years and it's obvious she has some very deep issues that need to be dealt with. You cannot be her psychologist or her counsellor, you cannot fix someone who does not think they are broken or who refuses help. Once your divorce is finalized, then you will have separate finances and she will no longer be able to bring you down or put your children at risk.

 

I suggest you continue to seek counselling (through your church or through a psychologist) for yourself to manage the guilt, pain and grief this divorce is causing you and wish you luck regaining your sense of self-preservation, dignity, and mental/emotional health.

[walkertechie]

Hi. I'm terribly sorry for everything that you've been going through.

 

Reading through something really stood out....your wife would be considered very erratic, self destructive, know what I mean?

 

 

Can I ask which pain medication you took & about how many? Do you take pain pills, same amount, everyday? How much? Extended or instant release? How long have you been on pain medication?

 

Is there any chance that your wife has been swapping out your pills & taking them? I'm a chronic pain patient who supported others for over a decade. It's not as crazy as it sounds.

 

 

All these times! You must of spoken so much about EVERYTHING so very many times. What does she say when you ask her "Why"? Are these all men that she meets in real life or has she met any through dating sites?

 

 

I'm so sorry

Thank you very much for your kind and insightful review of everything. The pain meds I take are for the severe diabetic neuropathy in both legs and feet. I take Morphine pills, 2x daily and Norco/Hydrocodon 4x per day for the pain. When I going through that painful moment and tried to end it all, I took about 18-20 morphine and 10-12 Norco. But God had a plan for me apparently. At worst I just felt sleepy. The paramedics said considering what I took, I should have been gone. Yet here I stand.

 

Insofar as her being erratic and self-destructive, yes I think there's very good evidence of that. She never gave any legitimate reason for why she did this. All she did was try to deflect blame by saying things like, "you know why, I dont know" etc. Never was honest with me or even her family and friends. I feel she knew what she was/is doing is wrong, and trying to make me out to be the demon.

 

Ironically, it took for the police to ask her why she was doing it, to find out, "she did it just to hurt me". When asked how long she'd been feelings like this, she says since she's been in the United States. Over 19 years. My only conclusion, she just married me for a green card.

 

She's also looking for the bigger, better, deal as she is flirting with men in person, I've actually talked to some of those unwitting men who told me she approached them, as well as meeting men through Facebook and other social media and dating websites.

 

The long and short of this is I've had enough of being the fools and getting severely hurt and embarrassed. Our kids have zoned her out. They still show her respect as their mother, but that's about all. Neither wants to live with her, nor even call her to talk. I've always told them to respect her because she's their mother, but allow them to make their own choice. They're happy to be with dad, and do their best to help me when I am sick or in need.

 

I feel this is all a blessing from God. Though I need to go through the process, things have been and will continue to get better.

[walkertechie]

Sometimes you need to let people take their own path to self-destruction because you can no longer be a party to it. You've enabled her for years and it's obvious she has some very deep issues that need to be dealt with. You cannot be her psychologist or her counsellor, you cannot fix someone who does not think they are broken or who refuses help. Once your divorce is finalized, then you will have separate finances and she will no longer be able to bring you down or put your children at risk.

 

I suggest you continue to seek counselling (through your church or through a psychologist) for yourself to manage the guilt, pain and grief this divorce is causing you and wish you luck regaining your sense of self-preservation, dignity, and mental/emotional health.

This is all so very true. I'm done with being her plaything, and allowing her to push me around, intentionally hurt, neglect and otherwise try to destroy my happiness. I'm intent on recovering from this decades long mess of a marriage. I've already been doing regular therapist sessions, joining divorce support groups, and anything else that allows me a positive avenue to vent and move forward to a happier existence. Fortunately my kids are older and in their last year of high school, so I don't need to deal with her much longer. Sadly I feel she will do this again to some other unsuspecting man, who may take a more violent approach to being played. For her and the kids sake, I pray to God that he intercede and get her some help before it's too late. Thank you for your comment.

[walkertechie]

Hi. I'm terribly sorry for everything that you've been going through.

 

Reading through something really stood out....your wife would be considered very erratic, self destructive, know what I mean?

 

 

Can I ask which pain medication you took & about how many? Do you take pain pills, same amount, everyday? How much? Extended or instant release? How long have you been on pain medication?

 

Is there any chance that your wife has been swapping out your pills & taking them? I'm a chronic pain patient who supported others for over a decade. It's not as crazy as it sounds.

 

 

All these times! You must of spoken so much about EVERYTHING so very many times. What does she say when you ask her "Why"? Are these all men that she meets in real life or has she met any through dating sites?

 

 

I'm so sorry

Another couple things I remember. She never took any responsibility for her actions, and never apologize for what she did. Even saying once that, "well if I did it, then you deserved it". But it wasn't just me she wasn't satisfied with. She does much the same with her jobs. Constantly changing jobs throughout the year, i.e., start one job, don't like it after a few months, change and get another, then another and another. Out taxes all messed up because she averaged changes jobs 4-6 times each and every year. So much so she would forget to change her address when we moved, yes she did the same dance with our homes, and never received the W2 at tax time. Ended up always under reporting income. Wow! What a mess I got myself into. But glad I'm getting out.

[SammySammy]

This woman didn't take your manhood. You gave it away.

 

She showed you who she was long ago. You could have been a man done something about it many times over the years. You chose not to - over and over again. The consequences of making those poor decisions are harsh. As they should be.

 

But, you're responsible. Your life could be drastically different had you made different choices.

[Cephalopod]

Get out of this marriage as fast as you can.

 

Your story absolutely mirrors the story of one of my best friends. He was in the Navy back before the U.S. turned Subic Back over to the Philippine government. He met his wife in Manila and brought her back to the U.S. Like you things were OK for the first few months, but then all hell broke loose.

 

Turns out this woman was evil personified. In the duration of their five year marriage she cheated on him with numerous men, moved out to shack up with two separate men on two different occasions. My buddy, being an idiot, kept taking her back and taking her back and putting up with her crap. Then for a few months she tried to walk the straight and narrow and they seemed to be doing fine. Then she disappeared for three days without telling him where she was. When she finally came home he found her soiled panties in the back seat of their car and empty wine bottles...oh man she was the most awful floozie I have ever seen.. Worse than my ex...and that is saying something.

 

She finally left himn a third time and he filed for divorce. When she got served the divorce petition she actually went to his place of work and physically assaulted him in front of everyone. Of course they called the cops and she got to spend an afternoon in jail. Then her boyfriend bailed her out...oh it was a circus.

 

I don't know if it is a cultural thing or what, but from anecdotal evidence I have seen, women from that part of the world seem to be particularly immoral. I don't like to paint people with broad strokes, but Filipina women in general seem to have cultivated a very bad reputation, and it seems to be deserved. Why is that? Is it a cultural thing? I'm hoping that is not the case. Maybe you and my friend just got the bad apples.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Cephalopod

[NTV]

It feels good to get all this off your chest doesn't it?

[walkertechie]

That conclusion about filipinas is absolutely true. Far too many servicemen, civilians and others get caught up in a game with them. Seems almost like a cottage industry. They are master manipulators. And to those who think it can never happen to them, or I should have seen my way out earlier, try doing that with kids, homes, and much more involved. Seed how easy it is to just drop out. All you do is catch hell. Fortunately for me, the nitwit didn't file an answer and now is in default. Guess who gets to stick it to whom in the end.

[walkertechie]

It feels good to get all this off your chest doesn't it?

Yup and that was the point. Self therapy and realizing that it aint all my fault. Just because I put up with it for my kids sake, and for my failing health, doesn't absolve her of responsibility. Just means I need to exercise better common sense on who I choose to marry. Then again, when anyone invents a way to find the perfect mate who won't screw up, they're guaranteed to be financial set for life.

[NTV]

It's just a thought but have you heard of a post nup?

[spanz1]

does she seem to have "multiple personalities", in other words, be loving one moment, distant the next with you? She may be BIPOLAR. it would explain why she is acting the way she is: she maybe be clinically mentally ill. Bipolar people often put on one act at home, but a very sexually nympho lifestyle with other men away from the home. They need almost constant reminders that they are attractive and wanted, and will do any sex act to get that reinforcement. Unless they are on medications...the lure of cheating for kinky sex is always there.

 

Any chance you can get her into some counseling? I know you are fed up, but i hear that bipolars on their meds do revert back to the loving person you originally married. The trouble is, of course, keeping them on their meds for life.

[Lowrider93]

Fool me once, shame on you.

 

Fool me twice shame on me!

 

Not sure what you were attempting to save, your wife had no respect for you after cheating on you the first time.

 

Life is too short for $hit like this.

[ShatteredLady]

Taking all of those prescription medications & not registering that you'd taken them is exhaudinary. I think 'someone swapping out your meds' is a logical explanation.

 

Do you carefully check the pills against the description? (Although they could be 'empty' forgeries. It happens) Do you count your meds when you get a new prescription? Are your prescription bottles easily accessible?