Jump to content

I was wrong. She didn't cheat


poppopret

Recommended Posts

Howdy Loveshack,

 

I got myself into a sticky situation and I need some advice and don't know where else to turn. I will try to keep this short and sweet.

 

About a year ago I kind of got suspicious that my wife had been cheating on me. I dug around and found something that at first appeared to be pretty damning evidence that she had, in fact, cheated. This caused a huge amount of drama in our relationship and eventually we divorced. She repeatedly denied that what I found was evidence of anything and told me I was being absurd and paranoid and taking the evidence out of context (sounds familiar right?). My only other long term relationship before her was ended because of cheating so lets just say my radar may have been too sensitive.

 

Well fast forward to last week when an old mutual friend provided a nugget of information that proves that my wife was correct. I was wrong. My stomach sank. I feel so ashamed.

 

I want to contact her to tell her I am sorry for hurting her so badly and not trusting her. However, she has moved on and I'm not sure if that would be appropriate. We rarely have any contact at all and it is always about logistical things.

 

I don't want to rekindle the relationship. I just want to be able to express my regret so that I can move on.

 

What should I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you know her address, send a letter of apology. Note in it that you recognise she's moved and don't want to interfere with that. But also say that you realise you were wrong and feel like x y and z. And that you unreservedly apologise.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't say anything. What's done is done and you'd only be contacting her to make yourself feel less guilty. Apologizing to her isn't going to make her feel good, it's going to bring up painful memories that don't need to be rehashed if the relationship is over.

 

Just take this as a lesson learned for future relationships.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

Wow - you divorced over a faulse accusation?

 

That has got to be a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Did you love her? Did she love you?

 

I can't imagine the heartbreak caused by being divorced over someone's insecurities.

 

I agree, send her a letter of appology.

 

To me, this is like sending an innocent person to prison. It can never be made right. But at least apologize

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

& this is EXACTLY the reason why i can't believe some of things people advise on here when a spouse hasn't been caught cheating. I'm happy you wrote this post to show others that one can ruin their marriage over absolutely nothing.

 

if I were you, I'd write a letter to say sorry but it probably doesn't matter...it wouldn't to me if my H ruined our marriage due to insecurity...that's worse than cheating bc with cheating their was an actual reason to divorce vs making one up out of thin air. Just learn from this & move on with your life... Good luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
understand50

Well, I would like more of the story. What caused you to believe she cheated, what was the nugget that prove she had not?

 

This will tell how you should approach this. If she is completely out of your life, I would not contact her, unless you both share a kid, and want to set the record straight. So... More context, please.

 

I wish you luck...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Some quick info: No kids, married 5 years, we are both 31.

 

I had started having suspicions about a coworker of hers. She would talk about him ALL THE TIME and get this huge smile on her face. I asked her if she had feelings for him and she finally admitted to me that she had a crush on him but that nothing had ever happened or would ever happen and that she was trying to avoid him. This guy was in love with her though and did a lot of creepy things like leaving flowers on her car and sending me crazy emails from anonymous email providers.

 

Then one weekend we had plans to go out of town to visit my family and she abruptly changed her mind a few days before we were supposed to leave with the excuse that she was really stressed from work and needed to decompress. She was also seemed really distant. When I got back she was acting VERY strange. Barely making eye contact with me and texting literally 90% of the time we were in the same room.

 

I asked her if anything is wrong and she says no but I could just feel that she was hiding something. So I asked my neighbor if he noticed anything weird while I was gone. He said that as a matter of fact he was coming home late on one of the nights and saw a car that he never noticed before in front of my house and that it was gone in the morning (there is a lot of crime in our neighborhood so we look out for each other). I asked him about the car and it was the exact make/model/color of car that I knew he drove (because she talked about him so much). Also, just for the record, my wife and the neighbors wife were friends, its not like I asked him to spy on her.

 

Queue explosion...

 

After finally opening up to my friend about what happened, he told me there was something I should see. It was an archived facebook chat conversation between my friend and the other man (they are friends and live in the same town). In one of the chats the other man talks about how the night before he drove out to [town I live in] to confess his love for a woman that was married. He also talks about stealing her away from an abusive a-hole husband. He talks about driving for an hour, sitting in the car in front of the house because he was too nervous and then driving an hour back. He never mentions the name of the woman so my friend never put 2 and 2 together at the time and they have a laugh about it.

 

The timestamp of the chat lines up exactly to when I was out of town.

 

I also know that this doesn't prove she didn't cheat, just that the evidence I used to confront her mostly consisted of bad information.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your ex did cheat on you. She even admitted that she had a crush on the other man. How else are you expected to act? My opinion, you did nothing wrong, especially if your wife did nothing to help alleviate your fear at the time. She doesn't deserve an apology, so don't give her one.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Your ex did cheat on you.

 

Don't know if this was the case but there was certainly a problem in your marriage she seemed very reluctant to address.

 

Did the two of you go to MC? Feels like something missing here...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin

Jeez. People don't just 'fall madly in love' with their female coworkers without being given SOME kind of encouragement. Do you honestly believe she behaved like a saint and his puppy dog love just came out of the sky?

 

Something was going on between these two. And obviously, she'd painted YOU as an abusive a*sshole because her OM thought he needed to 'rescue' her from you, so where could he have POSSIBLY gotten that idea?

 

And lastly, just because the OM told your friend this 'story' about parking out by the curb and never going in doesn't mean it actually happened that way. that's the story the OM chose to tell your buddy.

 

Cheaters lie. That's what they do.

 

Your wife isn't a saint. I wouldn't apologize for anything.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Unbelievable, he said he finds out she didn't cheat but still people are saying she cheated!

 

Yes, married people can have crushes, that's not cheating! So when someone gets married maybe lock them in the house so they can't ever see an attractive person again...I honestly never knew what true insecurity was until reading some of these responses.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm, it's still fishy. He just happens to turn up at your house while you're out of town?

 

Just move on, cuz what you know is very damning. All evidence actually points to something inappropriate.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
understand50

poppopret,

 

I would say that you really do not know what was going on. Ether for or against cheating. While, I myself would have not divorced over this, as the evidence looks thin. I think that your marriage in general had issues, and this was the last straw. You have regrets and second thought and want to try and repair your relationship. I understand that, but ask yourself, why the marriage fell apart. It is probably best to move on and let all things lye.

 

I wish you luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Based on what you're written here, your ex wife was falling or already in love with someone else. It appears he was in love with her, too. An emotional affair is still an affair and you had every right to feel suspicious and nervous about your wife's behavior - she was clearly receptive to his flattery. My guess is they had planned to meet but the guy chickened out and your wife never got to see if it panned out - kudos to him for not following through. Chances are good, if this near-miss led to divorce, you guys were in a pretty ugly place to begin with. I don't know if you owe her an apology - she didn't chicken out, he did. Splitting hairs, really, but if it makes you feel better... go for it I guess?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry, I don't buy that "evidence".

 

1. When you made your accusations about the car, she should have just called this man, ask him "Why did you park in front of my house on that night? because someone saw you". But apparently she has never done that. WHY?! She could have had a great explanation for you about that car... but she never bothered to find out, right? Very odd...

 

2. How did this man knew that you're out of town for few days? She told you she is trying to avoid him, right? It's very odd to tell someone you wish to avoid about your husband that going out of town for a few nights...

The unquestionable facts are that she told him that you will be out that night (Why?) and he actually came over to your house.

 

3. The most ridiculous tale is that he says in the chat that he felt too stressed to get out of the car and confess his love for her...You told us that she already knew that he loves her, doing creepy things like leaving flowers on her car and sending you crazy emails from anonymous email providers.

 

So how come a man who already expressed his love for her, after he already done much creepier things than a confession, after 1 hour driving, knowing you're not at home... how come can he be stressed to tell her what she already knows?

 

Sorry, it just doesn't match with basic human logical.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Jeez. People don't just 'fall madly in love' with their female coworkers without being given SOME kind of encouragement. Do you honestly believe she behaved like a saint and his puppy dog love just came out of the sky?

 

Something was going on between these two. And obviously, she'd painted YOU as an abusive a*sshole because her OM thought he needed to 'rescue' her from you, so where could he have POSSIBLY gotten that idea?

 

And lastly, just because the OM told your friend this 'story' about parking out by the curb and never going in doesn't mean it actually happened that way. that's the story the OM chose to tell your buddy.

 

Cheaters lie. That's what they do.

 

Your wife isn't a saint. I wouldn't apologize for anything.

 

I hate to do this but I agree with Lois 100%.

 

Guys don't drive an hour and profess love without some form of encouragement.

 

How does he even know where you live?

 

If she actually had sex or not doesn't matter. She would have eventually. Don't apologize for doing the right thing ahead of schedule. She should apologize to you.

 

What has happened to this guy and your ex wife now that she is free and clear?

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

So is she dating him now, or has she moved to different employment?

 

Guy could be lying about not going in to help him with SO.

 

You still do not know.

 

hope you do find some peace. keep this past in the past.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm curious as to how and why this "friend" had an archived chat with this guy that is years old that he just happened to be triggered to remember when you told your story. How old was this story? How did he search the archives? Soooo many questions.

 

On the other hand, how do you end a marriage over your suspicions without ever doing a more thorough investigation. No confrontation with the so called OM? She does not confront him to ask why he was in front of the house? I also note that you had no real retort to the whole "******* husband" comment. What was that about?

 

She has a crush on a guy who also wants to profess his love for her when you are away when he could have confessed it to her when and at the place they were having those heart to heart talks about you and the state of your marriage.

 

There are a lot of logical gaps here. Gaps need to be bridged.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Do not contact her. Whether or not she physically cheated on you doesn't matter anymore. Fact is, she had an inappropriate friendship with another man and allowed her heart to get too close and too open to him. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical affairs. Your gut knew she was up to no good.

 

Try to let go and move on, don't look back.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like an EA that was 20 or 30 steps away from becoming a PA.

And to most here, an EA is an A.

 

So maybe your exW wasn't fibbing when she said "nothing happened" but the real truth of such a statements depends on how you define "nothing".

 

Ever check her phone/computer for texts and calls? Ever run one of those text/photo recovery programs in case she deleted them?

 

Quit kicking yourself in the behind. Divorce sucks, but how could you trust her when all shed did was deny?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So why did the OM think she had an abusive husband? I'll tell you why; because that is what your wife told him. That's cheater speak 101. Almost all cheating wives tell their OM that their husband is abusive. Why did the OM know that your wife was home alone that night? Because your wifey told him and was hoping that he would turn up. Why was she acting weird when you got home an obsessively texting someone? Because she was involved with the OM and still talking to him.

 

Your wife cheated on you. Maybe it hadn't become physical yet but it was definitely an emotional affair and probably was headed to physical. You have nothing to apologize for.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wait a minute.

I got myself into a sticky situation and I need some advice and don't know where else to turn....

 

Well fast forward to last week when an old mutual friend....

Why is this situation "sticky"? You're already divorced.

 

And why do you NEED advice so desperately you don't know where else to turn? Nothing's going to change in your reality or hers whether you do or don't do anything. And then the "mutual" -

After finally opening up to my friend about what happened, he told me there was something I should see. It was an archived facebook chat conversation between my friend and the other man (they are friends and live in the same town). ... He never mentions the name of the woman so my friend never put 2 and 2 together at the time and they have a laugh about it.
First of all, I never knew such chatty men as this - two sets of friends baring their souls about relationship snafu details - but maybe I just know the non-communicator types. Still, I really can't imagine the FB conversation in such detail. But, okay, it's possible, too. Why and how did you realize you're mutual friends? If your friend only just heard the story from you a week ago, it wasn't because of that. And if you know, then the OM knows it, too, right? So why does he risk giving all those details to your mutual friend?

 

Verisimilitude please.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...