Trigger after a long time without any

[Red123]

2.5 years from Dday and I would say things are pretty good, I was almost trigger free for a long time, that is until last week. It's really amazing what can be a trigger, a completely professional email is what did it this time. The MOW that H had an A with works at the same office of 200+ people. Their departments have never overlapped so they have never actually worked together. She recently changed departments but they still do not overlap. Last week my Hs boss was away and he needed to cover, the MOW was assigned to follow up with all departments regarding a specific project. This email would have gone to his boss but because he was covering it went to him. We have not heard from her at all since early 2014, so she hasn't really been an issue. I guess she still isn't. I saw the email, it was totally professional but it still set me back a bit. I guess I wasn't prepared to see ANY contact between them even professional. It was the only one and his boss is back so it shouldn't happen again, but it still had me on edge. Anyone else have triggers come up out of the blue like this?

[seren]

I would say that 2.5 years is still early days, I get triggers 9 years on. Rarely, but it is usually something on the television or it will pop into my head when I least expect it to. We talk about it, H will see me suddenly go all inward looking and give me a hug, say sorry and on we go. Expect to have them from time to time, I think we all do. How can we not? affairs are truly awful to have in your relationship history, acknowledge them and then move along.

 

I used to journal and when I felt we had moved past the worse and when I no longer thought about it, I burned the journal while sat outside with H and a drink having a cuddle under the stars. It felt symbolic somehow. It is normal, it is usual and it doesn't mean anything. I hope you are feeling OK today. xx

[road]

Recover takes 2 to 5 years and a trigger can happen many years later after that first 5 years. Though they will be fewer and farther apart and pass quickly.

 

 

Problem is you did not have a trigger.

 

 

The problem is that NC was broken.

 

 

Whenever NC is broken it places the marriage back on the slippery slope to an affair restarting.

 

 

This is why your WH must find another job. NC will be broken again. More if WH or OW get a promotion.

[Red123]

I would say that 2.5 years is still early days, I get triggers 9 years on. Rarely, but it is usually something on the television or it will pop into my head when I least expect it to. We talk about it, H will see me suddenly go all inward looking and give me a hug, say sorry and on we go. Expect to have them from time to time, I think we all do. How can we not? affairs are truly awful to have in your relationship history, acknowledge them and then move along.

 

I used to journal and when I felt we had moved past the worse and when I no longer thought about it, I burned the journal while sat outside with H and a drink having a cuddle under the stars. It felt symbolic somehow. It is normal, it is usual and it doesn't mean anything. I hope you are feeling OK today. xx

Thank you:)

[understand50]

Red123,

 

It as been 40 Plus years, and I still will trigger. Not fun, but as time goes on they get less intense. It will for you. Unless, he can quit his job, he will have professional contact with her from time to time. If it is just professional, I would not worry so much and work to toughen yourself up a bit.

 

Do not let triggers mess up your life, if he is doing everything he shoudl, and you are happy with him, let them pass and tell yourself it is just, what it is - A reminder of the hurt and pain. Remind yourself you are stronger then all this.

 

I wish you luck...

[Red123]

Recover takes 2 to 5 years and a trigger can happen many years later after that first 5 years. Though they will be fewer and farther apart and pass quickly.

 

 

Problem is you did not have a trigger.

 

 

The problem is that NC was broken.

 

 

Whenever NC is broken it places the marriage back on the slippery slope to an affair restarting.

 

 

This is why your WH must find another job. NC will be broken again. More if WH or OW get a promotion.

I see your point. With the economy really bad where we live it is not a good idea for him to leave. He has continued to look for other jobs but nothing panned out. The truth for me is that if an email about work can start the A back up, if all the work we have done can be thrown away that easily, then he has no business being with me. He needs to remain committed regardless of the circumstances.

[Red123]

Red123,

 

It as been 40 Plus years, and I still will trigger. Not fun, but as time goes on they get less intense. It will for you. Unless, he can quit his job, he will have professional contact with her from time to time. If it is just professional, I would not worry so much and work to toughen yourself up a bit.

 

Do not let triggers mess up your life, if he is doing everything he shoudl, and you are happy with him, let them pass and tell yourself it is just, what it is - A reminder of the hurt and pain. Remind yourself you are stronger then all this.

 

I wish you luck...

 

Thank you. He talked with me and said he would tell me or show me if it she had to contact him again. I agree I do need to get a little tougher, I thought I had, but need a little more:)

[aileD]

The OW from my husbands first affair 12 years ago moved herself into my town on purpose. Literally 1/4 a mile or less from my house. My husband visited her there ONCE. She was only there for 2 months and promptly moved out when it was clear the A was over, but that friggin house is smack dab in the middle of downtown. It's across the parking lot from the place we eat breakfast all the time. It's across from CVS we go to all the time, it's next door to my daughters friends house. There isn't one darn time I drive by there and don't have a fleeting thought about it (usually it's me giving it the finger or mumbling "effing house" under my breath)

 

You might always have triggers, the important thing is how they're dealt with.

 

 

I think it's a positive that he told you about the contact and was open with you about every aspect of it. He is an open book and not hiding anything. Take a deep breath and keep walking forward

[Lobe]

I'm blindsided every once in a while, but by new triggers. The ones I've already had or can brace myself for (like places and events) I can handle, but then something new will happen and I'll be sitting there feeling like ti's d-day all over again. Ride it out. I'm happy your H told you about it- that shows he's genuinely committed to making sure that above all else, you feel secure. Good luck with your continued R.

[Red123]

I'm blindsided every once in a while, but by new triggers. The ones I've already had or can brace myself for (like places and events) I can handle, but then something new will happen and I'll be sitting there feeling like ti's d-day all over again. Ride it out. I'm happy your H told you about it- that shows he's genuinely committed to making sure that above all else, you feel secure. Good luck with your continued R.

 

Thanks. In the first year after Dday every trigger sent me back to horrible spot, feeling helpless and alone. It did get better and I haven't had any that have the same power as they once did. I'm not saying I won't, I just haven't lately:). How long has it been since Dday for you Lobe?

[Lobe]

How long has it been since Dday for you Lobe?

 

20 months, almost to the day. I know we're still early on in R and there's a long road ahead, but I totally hear you on how the triggers are less frequent/less intense now than in the first weeks/months/year. I try and not be too hard on myself when I am caught off guard, and thankfully WH is very supportive and understanding of my involuntary "moments."

[road]

I see your point. With the economy really bad where we live it is not a good idea for him to leave. He has continued to look for other jobs but nothing panned out. The truth for me is that if an email about work can start the A back up, if all the work we have done can be thrown away that easily, then he has no business being with me. He needs to remain committed regardless of the circumstances.

 

 

Your ignorance of affairs and how they cause addictive brain chemistry is why there must be total NC. Every time NC is broken even indirectly stirs the WS brain to get the urge to get that affair high again.

 

 

A work related email is how the WH is reminded of the AP. Good times with the AP are recalled and the urge to get a fix to maintain those feelings leads to the affair restarting.

 

 

No job is worth more than a marriage. Affairs have consequences. Sometimes they cause the loss of jobs.

[aileD]

You know what also contributes to affairs? Stress in the marriage over things like money. Don't quit a job if you don't have one to replace it with. Yes, ideally he should work somewhere else but if it's not possible right now this not possible. Calling someone ignorant for that mindset is insensitive.

 

We don't suggest alcoholics don't go to restaurants, or drove on streets with liquor stores....YES we do in the beginning phases of recovery but at some point down the line there going to accidentally drive by a liquor store....it's how they handle and cope that causes a relapse.

[Red123]

Your ignorance of affairs and how they cause addictive brain chemistry is why there must be total NC. Every time NC is broken even indirectly stirs the WS brain to get the urge to get that affair high again.

 

 

A work related email is how the WH is reminded of the AP. Good times with the AP are recalled and the urge to get a fix to maintain those feelings leads to the affair restarting.

 

 

No job is worth more than a marriage. Affairs have consequences. Sometimes they cause the loss of jobs.

 

I have to disagree that I am ignorant about affairs. We have read a lot, been to a MC that specializes in infidelity and Ofcourse many nights reading on forums. As I said before, if all he needs is a work related email to bring back the affair then he should have left to be with her. It has been over 2 years since he has spoken to her, if he wanted her back he could have contacted her at any time during those 2 years and according to her last email, she would have been ready to jump back in. We seperated, he chose to come back and I was the one that needed convincing to reconcile. He ended things with her on his own and has told our MC that he feels nothing for her and that the affair was a huge mistake. I understand your point, these things can start up at anytime and then in the same office makes it easier. I feel that if he wants to cheat he will regardless of where he is, and if he did start back up with the MOW, then I don't want him anyway.

[Lobe]

I understand your point, these things can start up at anytime and then in the same office makes it easier. I feel that if he wants to cheat he will regardless of where he is, and if he did start back up with the MOW, then I don't want him anyway.

 

Exactly this. If APs are boss/subordinate or team members/business partners I probably would agree that quitting or changing jobs was absolutely necessary, but I can't bubblewrap him - they work in the same industry. While it's possible they could bump into each other in passing (he's only seen her a couple of times and she bolts off in the other direction) mostly it would require a concerted effort to get together, as it was during the A. Quitting his job wouldn't make him stay away if he really wasn't over the A anyways - some affairs even continue after the WS or AP move to another state.

[Red123]

Exactly this. If APs are boss/subordinate or team members/business partners I probably would agree that quitting or changing jobs was absolutely necessary, but I can't bubblewrap him - they work in the same industry. While it's possible they could bump into each other in passing (he's only seen her a couple of times and she bolts off in the other direction) mostly it would require a concerted effort to get together, as it was during the A. Quitting his job wouldn't make him stay away if he really wasn't over the A anyways - some affairs even continue after the WS or AP move to another state.

 

I agree. Mine has never worked directly with the MOW, in fact no one knows they even know eachother(I know his team really well and his boss). Some affairs never restart just as some do.

[understand50]

Red123,

 

For myself, I just refuse to let triggers rule my life or relationships. I know my wife is capable of cheating, but I believe that I have evidence by her actions that the odds of this happening is real low. If your husband is doing all he should be and is truly remorseful, as it looks like he is, remember what triggers are, and face them down. Tell yourself, remind yourself, what you are feeling and why, and then give them the weight they deserve. Not easy, but time will help, and hopefully your husband as well. Part of reconciliation is learning how to respond to triggers. Keep in mind that your husband may have triggers as well, and your should allow him to talk them out with you, as you talk yours out with him. In this case talking, communication, love, will help you both.

 

I wish you luck.

[Red123]

Red123,

 

For myself, I just refuse to let triggers rule my life or relationships. I know my wife is capable of cheating, but I believe that I have evidence by her actions that the odds of this happening is real low. If your husband is doing all he should be and is truly remorseful, as it looks like he is, remember what triggers are, and face them down. Tell yourself, remind yourself, what you are feeling and why, and then give them the weight they deserve. Not easy, but time will help, and hopefully your husband as well. Part of reconciliation is learning how to respond to triggers. Keep in mind that your husband may have triggers as well, and your should allow him to talk them out with you, as you talk yours out with him. In this case talking, communication, love, will help you both.

 

I wish you luck.

Thank you. Our communication has improved a lot. I am a talker so we definitely talk about this when it happens.

[2.50 a gallon]

Thirty plus years have gone by the way.

i am in a loving relatioship for 20 plus years with a gal who is totally out of my league in the looks department. Happiness like I never dreamed off.

Christmas time I drive by my old place where. I met my Ex 35 years ago.

I had not thought of her in years

Just as I drove past the wrong Xmas song played over the car radio.

the saddness caught me off guard. I had to pull off the road for maybe 10 minutes. I just was not prepared for it

[Red123]

Thirty plus years have gone by the way.

i am in a loving relatioship for 20 plus years with a gal who is totally out of my league in the looks department. Happiness like I never dreamed off.

Christmas time I drive by my old place where. I met my Ex 35 years ago.

I had not thought of her in years

Just as I drove past the wrong Xmas song played over the car radio.

the saddness caught me off guard. I had to pull off the road for maybe 10 minutes. I just was not prepared for it

 

For sure that happens. So did you contact her? Or did you go on with your life?

[BetrayedH]

Hi Red.

 

Sounds to me like you're doing fine.

 

Mostly wanted to say, hello.

[Red123]

Hi Red.

 

Sounds to me like you're doing fine.

 

Mostly wanted to say, hello.

 

Hi. Thank you. I'm much better for sure. You were such a big part of me getting through my first year of fear with reconciliation. I feel very confident now but as you know, I wasn't there at first. My husband should buy you a beer, some of your advice kept him alive:)

[2.50 a gallon]

No contact! No reason!

[spanz1]

2.5 years, sadly, is not all that long in these things.

Maybe at the 10 year mark you can look back and say "hey i finally got over that thing"

[Red123]

2.5 years, sadly, is not all that long in these things.

Maybe at the 10 year mark you can look back and say "hey i finally got over that thing"[/quote

 

I figure it will take time to be rid of it, but it does get easier as more time passes.