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WS. Not telling the whole truth


Violince

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My husband found out about my EA about 19 months ago. It's been a roller coaster since then, but we're much better now than at that point. I didn't have any of these resources right after D-day, and I deleted all the chats from my long-distance AP shortly after BH found out. So he only knows what I've told him. And I never told him the whole truth. I told him over and over that there was no sexting or sexual content, beyond the flirting that he'd seen. But there was, and a lot of it, and things I'd never done virtually with my husband.

 

I know that was wrong. I know I should have just gotten it all out in the beginning and not deleted the chats. But I wanted to spare him the pain, and yes, spare myself the heartbreak of seeing him in that much more pain. And it weighs on my me daily. But I don't think I can tell him now, and I guess I'm wondering how I live with myself. His self-esteem took an awful blow at D-day. The AP was a college flame I never got over (still haven't, but we're NC so it's all in my head now) and BH spent a long time wondering if i regretted marrying him and if I would be happier with AP. (Sometimes I still wonder those things myself, but that was never an option and isn't now.) At any rate, i think it was it partially the thought that maybe the affair wasn't *everything* he and I had that allowed him to climb back out. And if course it wasn't in reality, but the idea that it wasn't explicitly sexual has spared him a lot of grief in our sex life.

 

What I'm trying to get at is I think that learning the truth now would destroy him. He's been depressed and borderline suicidal on and off since his teens, as well as dealing with an anxiety diagnosis. I can't see any good, for him or me or our relationship, coming out of my disclosing the actual depth of the affair at this point. Yet everything I read at the other major infidelity forum is "tell everything, they deserve to know!" If it only does harm all around -- because how could it not, and how could any good come of this? -- why would I put us through another D-day? He had also repeatedly said, and maintains, that he would rather not have known about it in the first place -- he'd rather it had gone on and ended (as it would have done, eventually) without him knowing about it. He says he would not have wanted me to tell if it had ended without him finding out. I can only take him at his word there.

 

For myself, I think I just need to learn how to live with the guilt, regret, and remorse. He would stay with me regardless with the new information, provided he didn't kill himself (which I feel would be a very real possibility) so it's not consequences to myself that I fear. I guess I'm just wondering how to live with this knowledge in a way that I can heal and continue to help him. I'd welcome any practical suggestions, particularly if you've btdt and it's been some years. And if, given his psych history and our current situation, you still feel it should all come out, I would genuinely welcome an explanation why, because "it's the truth" isn't cutting it for me given all that right now. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far.

Edited by Violince
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I'm confused....you did things "in chat" that you've never done with your husband? If I had a cyber affair, everything I did there would be stuff I hadn't done with my wife bc we don't do things like that bc we do them in person. Did you and H meet online but not do cyber sex?

 

I'm in the camp of "tell all". If you don't, then you've not given him all the info that he needs in order to decide whether to stay or go. You've taken that freedom away from him.

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There were things we did in cyber (?) that my husband and I have not done in reality or virtually. More important was that it was sexual in nature. He's already told me he wouldn't leave even if it had been not just virtually sexual but also a pa (which was never possible, due to the distance involved and also because even if we had met up, AP would not have crossed that line). It's not him leaving I fear, or taking away his agency in that regard; it's doing him more and possibly irreparable harm.

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Put more simply, I've already taken so much from him, I don't want to take this away, too. This being his comfort during sex, which is a big part of what keeps him level and happy. I think if he knew what I and the AP had imagined together, it would mean mind movies he never had to deal with after D-day, and since sex is one of the very few things that can pull him out of a panic attack, I don't want to poison that for him as well.

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Put more simply, I've already taken so much from him, I don't want to take this away, too. This being his comfort during sex, which is a big part of what keeps him level and happy. I think if he knew what I and the AP had imagined together, it would mean mind movies he never had to deal with after D-day, and since sex is one of the very few things that can pull him out of a panic attack, I don't want to poison that for him as well.

 

Warning - tough love coming.

 

Your tale is but another spin on "cover yer azz" regardless. Why is it so hard for a WS to understand that your BS can't get over the infidelity until he knows what it is he's getting over :confused: ?

 

You obviously know what you did. If he truly loves you, on some level he knows you know. And you can't fully recover - which is why you're here - because you know he knows you know. See where this is headed?

 

You'll see this in my sig, never more true than for you here - "What we have to do and the way we have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether we're willing to do it, that's another matter".

 

Give it some thought...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I believe in honesty in relationships, and if there has been a ONS or an affair then the WS should admit it even if the BS suspects nothing. That being said you only have to admit to the sex or the emotional affair without details. It is up to the BS as to how much information is provided and your husband has indicated that he does not want to know. Therefore you should suck it up and take your secrete to the grave. Good luck and assuage your guild by being a loving wife to your husband.

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I'm going to guess your BH knows it was sexual and is probably more depressed that you continue to lie and withhold than if you came right out and told him the truth. You're using his suicidal tendencies as an excuse to not own up to the depth of your affair, and so you continue gaslighting him which is in my personal experience bar none the sh*ttiest existence on the planet.

 

You don't need to feed him mind movies - it's not like you have to give him a blow by blow or exact quotes - but you letting him know that it was in fact sexual in nature and letting him decide what information he wants is probably the kindest course of action. Like Mr Lucky said, he can't get over it if he doesn't know what he's getting over. Ironically, so long as you continue putting your feelings above his, you will never move past it either. Sure, you can say it's your cross to bear, but really, it's kind of just a cop out, too.

 

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

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What you did with the OM is not what will destroy your marriage. Your lying and trickle truths is what will destroy your marriage.

 

Until you succumb to the truth you will never move on and heal.

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You are hearing from betrayed spouses. Of course they say to tell. I was O W and am married to my former affair partner. We have been married for some time now and I just say let it go. You are o my going to hurt him more. Just go forward and be either all in or all out.

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MuddyFootprints

goody blue, she is trying to reconcile with her betrayed spouse.

 

If anyone, it's the reconciled betrayed spouses she needs to hear from.

 

FTR: I'm a reconciled former cheater, chiming in.

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ShatteredLady

My brother took his own life following his wife's adultery. He didn't have suicidal tendencies in his past.

 

We were always very close & understood each-other.

 

It wasn't the fact that she had sex with the OM that destroyed him. The relentless trickle-truth. The lies. The rewriting of their decades of history. Treating him like an idiot who would believe any old crap she spouted. Being cruel & vindictive...convincing herself that he deserved her behavior. Oh I could go on & on.

 

Lies took my brother from me. He couldn't get angry. He was so very broken. He even felt embarrassed to be with his children!

 

If she had been soft & gentle. If she had taken time....real time...to open-up, be humble, take responsibility for the awful things she did & said. If she had read something like "How to help your spouse recover from an affair" & understood & carried out the steps. If she had shown true remorse & held him close it would of been very hard for her pride...it would of saved my brothers life!

 

It's not about sharing every detail, in my opinion. It's about helping rebuild the self-esteem, the faith in love & family, the faith in YOU that really matters. Giving love. Taking criticism & being honestly sorry & accepting total responsibility for your affair.

 

I've been cheated on & what I really need & want is understanding. My husband doesn't get-it.

 

Get-it & love him.

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Genuine question - do you feel you could be satisfied with the level of emotional intimacy and closeness that you have with your husband moving forward, if you keep this secret from him? The answer may be yes... At least you have admitted the EA and for you, as a woman, the EA may have felt like the bigger transgression. Or the answer may be no... You may find that you wish your husband knew and accepted everything about you including the full truth about this huge mistake that you made. Only you can answer this for yourself.

 

Also, in terms of the sex - can you explore those fantasies with your husband, whatever they were? Were they very important to you? Again, only you can determine how much any of this matters in the context of your marriage and future.

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You are hearing from betrayed spouses. Of course they say to tell. I was O W and am married to my former affair partner. We have been married for some time now and I just say let it go. You are o my going to hurt him more. Just go forward and be either all in or all out.

 

She knows how she feels..she doesn't know how her husband feels, which is why she's asking others who have been in his position.

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He found out by remotely logging into my computer. He was going to leave me a flirty message and instead saw my chat. Five minutes earlier and it would have been about science, but it happened that we had moved to light endearments and I'd been taking a photo-- fully clothed and nothing scandalous save for bedroom eyes.

 

I have not trickle truthed. That's possibly the problem. No, I don't intend to ever tell him all of it. There's no point. We're staying married, and knowing it would do nothing but harm. No good could ever come of it for him. Would it make a difference to tell you that he has decided not to tell the AP's wife? He understands what it is to deny another their agency. He would not have wanted to know, and given that it's over with no chance of rekindling, he won't do that to their marriage.

 

I don't think he knows. What he saw in the chat was flirty but not overtly sexual. I have told him that we talked *about* sex, as a subject for discussion. He has said he found it difficult to believe that it wasn't sexual in nature but he eventually did come to believe it.

 

He's getting over it better than I am. I have no doubt it's partly because he believes he has the truth and I know he doesn't. He's not a good actor and doesn't hide his depression, and he is not currently depressed. Barring the secrets I keep, I'm being the most attentive and loving wife I know how to be. How many men -- and I hope this isn't tmi -- get oral sex daily? I haven't ever said no to an advance, often initiate, and I am an excellent listener.

 

No, I don't plan to tell him. It would devastate everything we've worked toward. I just need to know how to live with myself and this knowledge and keep myself strong for him.

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Just leave it alone. There's no point in telling him everything and I've personally never been a fan of that anyway. It's a pointless exercise most of the time. You did what you did, have decided to stay with your husband, and he knows enough of it already. It's all water under the bridge now. Don't over-noodle it. Just put it aside and move forward. Your husband doesn't have the emotional fortitude to handle anything beyond what he has already handled anyway. To resurrect this now would just be re-opening the wound and ripping it open even wider. Where's the sense in that?

 

And, btw, I'd advise you to drop the guilt, too. You had reasons for not revealing everything. Move on with your life.

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The fantasies themselves weren't important. The transgression they symbolize now, is. Aside from those details, I have certainly humbled myself. This isn't a matter of me not being remorseful. I've done the reading. I've been on SI and read all the forums. I know what it means not to tell him and it is so hard not to sometimes, but I know what it would do.

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You are hearing from betrayed spouses. Of course they say to tell. I was O W and am married to my former affair partner. We have been married for some time now and I just say let it go. You are o my going to hurt him more. Just go forward and be either all in or all out.
And so-o-o-o, by your own description, they're sharing what they think her BH needs from their experiences as BSs, and you're sharing what you think from your experience as an OW. Hmmm, BS advice - OW advice. BS - OW. Which would YOU pick?
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Push, push, push to expose everything and break this man even further. I see this all the time on this site and I completely don't get it. What is the point of this "tell all" mentality??

 

And why does everyone assume that everyone thinks like them? I personally WOULD NOT want to know if it were my spouse. I would want to be spared the details and this grand "truth". It's very possible that he has heard enough and just wants to be done with it. Once those words are spoken - those wonderful words of honesty and truth - they cannot be taken back. The damage will be fully done.

 

I think the real problem is that people don't like knowing that another person has full control over what they know or don't know. Well, that's humans and that's relationships for you. People do have that control and they can decide what you know and don't know. Relationships are risk. I think the sooner everyone realizes that, the better.

Edited by bathtub-row
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MuddyFootprints

He doesn't believe you. The questions will come up, whether frequently or infrequently for ever if your infidelity is not addressed truthfully. If you continue to lie, he will continue to not trust you.

 

I don't know how you can rebuild a marriage on lies and lack of trust.

 

And trust me, he believes you are lying to him.

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This may just need to be something i get professional help with. I wish I could just drop the guilt. I don't know how to get past and move on from what i did. I can't forgive myself even though he's forgiven me. I try not to think about it, but there are so many triggers. It doesn't help that I still have very strong feelings for AP, and have for more than half my life (since college). My husband accepts that those are just part of me and says it's only the acting on the feelings that was wrong. I find it difficult to reconcile that in my own head. I feel like a monster.

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He doesn't believe you. The questions will come up, whether frequently or infrequently for ever if your infidelity is not addressed truthfully.

And trust me, he believes you are lying to him.

 

If he does, he's turned into a very good actor, and he hasn't asked questions in many many months. I'm inclined to take him at his word. He's never lied to me about something of this importance.

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MuddyFootprints

It is something that you need to work on. It is something that you should be working on as a team, together. It's not easy. But, in the long term,having him along, every step of the way will promote unity and help with future trust and his self esteem.

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He found out by remotely logging into my computer. He was going to leave me a flirty message and instead saw my chat. Five minutes earlier and it would have been about science, but it happened that we had moved to light endearments and I'd been taking a photo-- fully clothed and nothing scandalous save for bedroom eyes.

 

I have not trickle truthed. That's possibly the problem. No, I don't intend to ever tell him all of it. There's no point. We're staying married, and knowing it would do nothing but harm. No good could ever come of it for him. Would it make a difference to tell you that he has decided not to tell the AP's wife? He understands what it is to deny another their agency. He would not have wanted to know, and given that it's over with no chance of rekindling, he won't do that to their marriage.

 

I don't think he knows. What he saw in the chat was flirty but not overtly sexual. I have told him that we talked *about* sex, as a subject for discussion. He has said he found it difficult to believe that it wasn't sexual in nature but he eventually did come to believe it.

 

He's getting over it better than I am. I have no doubt it's partly because he believes he has the truth and I know he doesn't. He's not a good actor and doesn't hide his depression, and he is not currently depressed. Barring the secrets I keep, I'm being the most attentive and loving wife I know how to be. How many men -- and I hope this isn't tmi -- get oral sex daily? I haven't ever said no to an advance, often initiate, and I am an excellent listener.

 

No, I don't plan to tell him. It would devastate everything we've worked toward. I just need to know how to live with myself and this knowledge and keep myself strong for him.

Oh, good grief! WHY do you people not get this one basic fact: The BS pain is already about being lied to. He was lied to the whole time it was going on. NOT telling that you're cheating is a lie by omission. It's a lie because you're acting like a faithful married person in public but cheating in private. Do I really have to explain this?

 

After a BS has been lied to in this way (which is what happens with any kind of extramarital affair not voluntarily revealed by WS), it takes some time to process what's happened, but at some point they usually start having questions. That's when more pieces of 'truth' start to trickle in, and it gradually becomes clear to the BS that WS didn't reveal everything. Then, it's just a matter of time for most to discover this phenomenon has a name -

trickle truth.

 

But that's only about 'getting caught,' which is the only reason the WS reveals anything at all, right? And don't think you're unique in this convoluted rationalization to continue deceiving your husband while offering your daily rations of sexual servility. Both you and my H (and many other WSs I've read on here) quote from the same playbook about keeping the rest to yourself for the BS's sake, especially in light of the extreme reactions you saw right after d-day, BS's innate volatility, yada yada, when the truth is that you can't stand seeing his pain—the consequence of your thoughtless, selfish actions, committed because for the thrill they gave you at the moment and without any thought of what their meaning to your H.

 

I also wonder how many WSs are like you and my H in another regard: thinking their sexual gifts and performance are so great as compensation for the continued withholding of truth and self, which is the aim and right of each committed partner in a marital union: true intimacy, pure openness and honesty out of respect and deference to the other human being you've fully entrusted your life, welfare and happiness to.

 

No, you can never give him the marriage he deserves until you've given your whole self with nothing barred. Until you do that, you are still cheating him every single day. You are controlling him and his right to knowledge and information. You are constantly relegating him to a position of patronizing pity that is your burden to dispense for the rest of your life in payment for your sins - as opposed to a marriage of equals who can fully trust and be fully vulnerable to each another. YOU have decided for the both of you to permanently limit the potential for your union and are, therefore, cheating yourself as well. Twice daily blow jobs until the day he dies cannot compensate for this loss.

 

And, as others have alluded, don't think you're so on top of what he knows and suspects. The fact is that if someone - a BS in this case - lives with a story for a while (in the case of BSs, the rest of their lives) they will try to give it verisimilitude to understand the whys and wherefores. They think about the psychology of the players in the story - how they got there, what it did for them, how they were invested, how this played out. They think about what else was going on in the world at the time, mainly in their own lives, when they had believed the false reality the WS had given them about what they were doing or the nature of their relationship with the AP, etc., and they try to reconstruct the real reality with what they've now learned. BUT - and herein lies the rub - there are holes in the story, in the telling, in the verisimilitude of the narrative they've been given. Hence, either more questions or f-ck you, I'm outa here.

 

Anyway, THAT is some of the truth in the path of continued deception you've chosen for you and your husband (without his consent). There's a lot more. But essentially I think Lobe's plan is better than nothing:

You don't need to feed him mind movies - it's not like you have to give him a blow by blow or exact quotes - but you letting him know that it was in fact sexual in nature and letting him decide what information he wants is probably the kindest course of action. Like Mr Lucky said, he can't get over it if he doesn't know what he's getting over. Ironically, so long as you continue putting your feelings above his, you will never move past it either. Sure, you can say it's your cross to bear, but really, it's kind of just a cop out, too.
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I personally WOULD NOT want to know if it were my spouse. I would want to be spared the details and this grand "truth". It's very possible that he has heard enough and just wants to be done with it. Once those words are spoken - those wonderful words of honesty and truth - they cannot be taken back. The damage will be fully done.
I personally WOULD NOT want to know if it were my spouse. I would want to be spared the details and this grand "truth".
The number of 'woulds' already says you're giving this advice in theory rather than from experience.
It's very possible that he has heard enough and just wants to be done with it.
And has he been given this choice?
The damage will be fully done.
The damage has already been done.
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