How Do I Get Over Her?

[2Troubled]

So here I am, yet another MM who cheated on his wife and ended up in an affair that got way out of control. The OW is in the same school program as I am. We immediately hit it off, but didn't admit we had feelings for each other for about 6 months. Then, before I knew it, we were head over heals for each other. I looked at my marriage in comparison and, thinking there wasn't anything to salvage, basically ended it, despite us having a 6 month old daughter. That was about 4 months into the affair. But as the next several weeks progressed, I couldn't help but feel I hadn't given my marriage a real chance (my wife and I have known each other about 10 years, married for about three of those). Additionally, the OW started talking about how she wanted to start trying for a baby together in a year, which would likely have been right about the time any kind of divorce would have been finalized. When I explained to her I didn't really want to have more children, she told me that would be a deal breaker for her. For the next several weeks, I tried to sort through my feelings about maybe having children with the OW while also trying to get comfortable with ending my marriage. To make a long story short, after two more months of struggle, I just couldn't bring myself to start talking to my wife about filing for separation, which rightly pissed the OW off, nor could I get comfortable with the idea of having more children. So, after 6 months of being involved with the OW in an affair, it basically fell apart.

 

For the past three weeks, I've had NC with the OW. My wife (who, by the way, knows nothing about the affair) and I have agreed to give the marriage another shot. We would like to salvage it because we have a young daughter together and have talked about what each of us can do to improve the marriage overall, for both of us. But, needless to say, there's a lot of hurt and neither of us are sure that the feelings we once had for each other are even there anymore. She and our daughter will be moving back in in about 10 days.

 

But, here's the rub. I can't get the OW out of my head. The only other time I've had such intense feelings for a woman was my first girlfriend in high school. Since I went NC, I feel like all of the color has drained from my world. I'm also concerned about trying to work on my marriage at the same time that the OW continues to invade my thoughts. I really want to give my marriage another shot, but how do I do that when I'm still in love with another woman? Especially when the love between my wife and I doesn't seem to be there at the moment?

 

As the title suggests, how do I get over her? How do I fall back in love with my wife while trying to get over the OW at the same time?

[understand50]

So here I am, yet another MM who cheated on his wife and ended up in an affair that got way out of control. The OW is in the same school program as I am. We immediately hit it off, but didn't admit we had feelings for each other for about 6 months. Then, before I knew it, we were head over heals for each other. I looked at my marriage in comparison and, thinking there wasn't anything to salvage, basically ended it, despite us having a 6 month old daughter. That was about 4 months into the affair. But as the next several weeks progressed, I couldn't help but feel I hadn't given my marriage a real chance (my wife and I have known each other about 10 years, married for about three of those). Additionally, the OW started talking about how she wanted to start trying for a baby together in a year, which would likely have been right about the time any kind of divorce would have been finalized. When I explained to her I didn't really want to have more children, she told me that would be a deal breaker for her. For the next several weeks, I tried to sort through my feelings about maybe having children with the OW while also trying to get comfortable with ending my marriage. To make a long story short, after two more months of struggle, I just couldn't bring myself to start talking to my wife about filing for separation, which rightly pissed the OW off, nor could I get comfortable with the idea of having more children. So, after 6 months of being involved with the OW in an affair, it basically fell apart.

 

For the past three weeks, I've had NC with the OW. My wife (who, by the way, knows nothing about the affair) and I have agreed to give the marriage another shot. We would like to salvage it because we have a young daughter together and have talked about what each of us can do to improve the marriage overall, for both of us. But, needless to say, there's a lot of hurt and neither of us are sure that the feelings we once had for each other are even there anymore. She and our daughter will be moving back in in about 10 days.

 

But, here's the rub. I can't get the OW out of my head. The only other time I've had such intense feelings for a woman was my first girlfriend in high school. Since I went NC, I feel like all of the color has drained from my world. I'm also concerned about trying to work on my marriage at the same time that the OW continues to invade my thoughts. I really want to give my marriage another shot, but how do I do that when I'm still in love with another woman? Especially when the love between my wife and I doesn't seem to be there at the moment?

 

As the title suggests, how do I get over her? How do I fall back in love with my wife while trying to get over the OW at the same time?

 

Sure, tell your wife everything. Be honest, and let things fall where they may. You can not rebuild and reconcile with your wife by lying to her, and by being honest, you will KICK the OW out of your head.

 

It is not just what YOU want, your wife needs to have the information to decide if SHE wants to give you a second chance. I also think you need to work on yourself. All I here from your account is ME, ME, ME. You need to start working on Her, and US.

 

Man up, tell your wife the truth, go from there.

 

I wish you luck....

[heartwhole]

I also suspect that if you were honest with your wife, then the OW would stop being the perfect "one who got away" in your mind and you would have to deal with the issues that led you to the affair in the first place. And dealing with those issues would make you a healthier person who in turn would have a better marriage. I also don't think you can rebuild on lies.

 

The grass isn't greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water and fertilize it.

[2Troubled]

Thanks for the feedback. If it's one quote I agree with, it's that the grass is greener where you water and fertilize it.

 

Regarding telling my wife about the affair, I won't be doing that. After reading a few books on the subject of affairs, and having spoken to a counselor, I've decided against doing this. There are cases where coming clean only does more damage, and needlessly. The affair is already over and my wife and I have already been speaking extensively about our problems. Additionally, I have already been doing IC for the past couple of months. And my wife and I already started MC a couple of weeks ago (via video, since we are still living apart, at the moment). Admitting the affair would only serve to alleviate my feelings of guilt, hurt my wife further and, yes, probably destroy any hope of reconciliation. Sorry if you disagree with this tactic, but that is the path I am taking. The fact that I cheated is now my cross to bear. And I can tell you, after the hell and hurt that I, my wife, and even the OW have gone through over this, this is not something I want to ever repeat.

 

Regarding hearing nothing but me, me, me, that's fair, but what else would you hear? This is a recount of what has happened from my point of view. And yes, I fully recognize this is primarily an issue with me. Hence the IC. It is even to the point I am looking at getting back on anti-depressants, something I have not done for almost 10 years.

 

Anyway, not quite the feedback I was expecting, but still appreciated.

[Mr. Lucky]

She and our daughter will be moving back in in about 10 days.

 

What does your wife think was behind your separation and stated desire to end the marriage?

 

Almost any spouse would suspect an affair under those circumstances. Did she ask you if there was someone else?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Furious]

Telling a child that broccoli is good for you is like telling a grown man that false reconciliation is good for you.

 

Man up, be man enough let your wife go. You are stealing her reality, her freedom of choice. Man up and stop manipulating her basic human right to live an authentic life.

 

Be a good divorced father to your child, give your wife the gift of freedom.

[BluesPower]

2Troubled,

 

I hear what you are saying. Let me tell you some stuff that you will not believe right now, but in a few months you will.

 

If you choose not to tell your wife, that is your decision. What is someone else tells her? What if she has been sleeping around and you find out from someone else? How will you feel then? Maybe the same maybe not.

 

You feel for your OW because you still are in the affair fog. Yes, you are probably too smart for that, everyone feels that way. I mean you have real feeling for the other woman, your really in love and don't know how you will get over it.

 

Tell your wife, and look at the pain that will be on her face. That pain starts on the face and burns to her soul. Unless you have been on the other end of an affair as a BS, you can only imagine the pain that they are in. That will help you to get the OW off your mind.

 

I know that you think you are doing the right thing, maybe you are.

 

But if you don't love your wife, and I mean LOVE, then set her free a let her find someone that will.

 

I wish you good luck with everything...

[BuddyX]

First off all, you're wife pregnant and you're screwing behind her back. You're job as a hubby is to provide and protect. Um, you were not protecting. Get yourself tested ASAP.

 

As far as the intense feeling. If the OW and your first GF gave you the butterflies then why did you marry and have a kid with your Wife?

 

"You didn't have an affair because you where unhappy, you had an affair because you have poor boundaries"

 

This will come again. Knowing you're history, odds are you will cheat again.

 

I say, tell your wife the truth.

[DKT3]

I don't believe holding the information is in any way for your wife's benefit, it's so you can maintain some control over the marriage. Telling your wife in an already troubled marriage would most like end with you being discarded.

 

Secondly, your not out of the affair, it's still tentative. Honestly, I don't believe you want to be with ow, but you sure want to continue playing with her. Eating cake.

[Lobe]

I really want to give my marriage another shot, but how do I do that when I'm still in love with another woman? Especially when the love between my wife and I doesn't seem to be there at the moment?

 

As the title suggests, how do I get over her? How do I fall back in love with my wife while trying to get over the OW at the same time?

 

I have a step by step guide.

 

1) Learn this word

 

lim·er·ence ˈlimərəns/ noun

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

 

and use it to describe the feelings you have for the OW instead of "in love" and accept that the reason it fell apart is because teeny bopper infatuation only lasted as long as the fantasy did. Suddenly, she wants babies and a real life with you and you back the hell out of there. That baby demand was a giant stick pin in your fantasy bubble, proof that whatever you have with the OW is doomed. You were in love with how she made you feel, until she made you feel pressured. This is the nature of affairs.

 

2) Regardless of what happens, you need to read NOT just friends (available on amazon or chapters) and "How to Help Your Spouse to Heal After an Affair" which is free online here: lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf Even if you get divorced, these books will a) hopefully prevent you from putting yourself, your next partner, and a future affair partner in the same position as your current wife and OW and b) help you reframe your priorities and put your wife and child first.

 

3) Consider giving your wife the gift of respect you denied her and allow her to make a choice by telling her about your affair. I assure you that finding out on her own will be more devastating than you telling her, "Look, this is hard for me to tell you but I was having an affair. I ended it because I realized that I wanted my wife and family more than I wanted a fantasy." I wish my husband had ended it then told me, instead of me busting them - it always leaves me wondering if he never would have ended it, or perhaps if it went on long enough if he would have left me. Tell her. Also, tell her to get tested for STIs, and get yourself tested as well, because several STIs can be dormant or asymptomatic in both men and women. For good measure, you should call the OW's husband and tell him that a) you were banging his wife, b) she wanted a baby with you and c) he should get tested for STIs.

 

4) Keep up with the IC. MC won't do you a bit of good until you find out why you are so selfish (I mean that kindly). It wasn't anything your wife was or was not doing, it was something inside you that caused you to wander. What was happening in your marriage? Was having a baby too much adulting for you? Did it make you go into a midlife tailspin? Did you miss being the centre of attention in your wife's eyes after that baby showed up? I feel like there's a strong connection between baby and you bolting, considering OW said the B word and it sent you running... Maybe it's something completely unrelated but whatever it was, you need to figure that out, so you can fix whatever is wrong with YOUR ego. You do not want to bring it back into the marriage and put expectations on your wife that she will never meet.

 

5) Lastly, here is a practical tip on how to stop obsessing about the OW and refocus on your wife that falls in the line of fertilize water your own grass (I'll avoid using the word "fertilize" so it doesn't make you run... ) During your affair you undoubtedly played up all your wife's bad qualities and forgot why you fell in love while placing the OW on a pedestal which you could easily overlook until you knocked her off after she dropped the "B" word. You put all your energy and effort into the OW and of course your wife looked less and less appealing as the affair fog thickened so now you have work to do. Imagine the pain and devastation your wife would (or will if you grow a pair and tell her) endure because of your selfish actions.

 

Until and unless you are willing to make yourself vulnerable by entrusting her with all the things you took away and gave to the OW, your wife won't fall back in love with you, which should be at least as big of a concern for you as whether you can fall back in love with her. Basically, you need to woo your wife, win back her trust and her heart, chase her as hard as you chased the OW. Every single time you think of your OW, consciously turn your thoughts back to your wife and child. When you want to send a compliment or sexy text to the OW, send it to your wife. When you are excited about something, tell your wife instead of wishing you could tell the OW. When you see something funny or interesting, share it with your wife. Take your wife on dates. Make plans that put her needs and wants ahead of your own. Treat her better than you ever treated your OW.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Lobe

[heartwhole]

Admitting the affair would only serve to alleviate my feelings of guilt, hurt my wife further and, yes, probably destroy any hope of reconciliation.

 

This is a nice way to spin it, but I think it's just further conflict-avoidance, which is what you got into the affair in the first place.

 

It wouldn't alleviate your guilt; it would make your guilt real and something you can't compartmentalize and avoid at will.

 

Yes, the truth of what you did will hurt your wife, but the time to worry about that was before you did it.

 

It may destroy hope of reconciliation, if reconciliation under false pretenses is appealing to you. But it gives you the only chance of building a real relationship in which you play by the rules you agreed to when you got married, instead of withholding pertinent information from your wife about how you exposed her sexually without her knowledge or consent. It also forces you to address the poor boundaries, judgment, and coping skills and the lack of empathy that made cheating something you were OK with doing. Working to develop those skills gives you a much better chance of reconciliation than rug-sweeping and avoidance do.

[Lobe]

This is a nice way to spin it, but I think it's just further conflict-avoidance, which is what you got into the affair in the first place.

 

It wouldn't alleviate your guilt; it would make your guilt real and something you can't compartmentalize and avoid at will.

 

Yes, the truth of what you did will hurt your wife, but the time to worry about that was before you did it.

 

It may destroy hope of reconciliation, if reconciliation under false pretenses is appealing to you. But it gives you the only chance of building a real relationship in which you play by the rules you agreed to when you got married, instead of withholding pertinent information from your wife about how you exposed her sexually without her knowledge or consent. It also forces you to address the poor boundaries, judgment, and coping skills and the lack of empathy that made cheating something you were OK with doing. Working to develop those skills gives you a much better chance of reconciliation than rug-sweeping and avoidance do.

 

Yes. All of this, yes!

[Cymbeline]

So here I am, yet another MM who cheated on his wife and ended up in an affair that got way out of control. The OW is in the same school program as I am. We immediately hit it off, but didn't admit we had feelings for each other for about 6 months. Then, before I knew it, we were head over heals for each other. I looked at my marriage in comparison and, thinking there wasn't anything to salvage, basically ended it, despite us having a 6 month old daughter. That was about 4 months into the affair. But as the next several weeks progressed, I couldn't help but feel I hadn't given my marriage a real chance (my wife and I have known each other about 10 years, married for about three of those). Additionally, the OW started talking about how she wanted to start trying for a baby together in a year, which would likely have been right about the time any kind of divorce would have been finalized. When I explained to her I didn't really want to have more children, she told me that would be a deal breaker for her. For the next several weeks, I tried to sort through my feelings about maybe having children with the OW while also trying to get comfortable with ending my marriage. To make a long story short, after two more months of struggle, I just couldn't bring myself to start talking to my wife about filing for separation, which rightly pissed the OW off, nor could I get comfortable with the idea of having more children. So, after 6 months of being involved with the OW in an affair, it basically fell apart.

 

For the past three weeks, I've had NC with the OW. My wife (who, by the way, knows nothing about the affair) and I have agreed to give the marriage another shot. We would like to salvage it because we have a young daughter together and have talked about what each of us can do to improve the marriage overall, for both of us. But, needless to say, there's a lot of hurt and neither of us are sure that the feelings we once had for each other are even there anymore. She and our daughter will be moving back in in about 10 days.

 

But, here's the rub. I can't get the OW out of my head. The only other time I've had such intense feelings for a woman was my first girlfriend in high school. Since I went NC, I feel like all of the color has drained from my world. I'm also concerned about trying to work on my marriage at the same time that the OW continues to invade my thoughts. I really want to give my marriage another shot, but how do I do that when I'm still in love with another woman? Especially when the love between my wife and I doesn't seem to be there at the moment?

 

As the title suggests, how do I get over her? How do I fall back in love with my wife while trying to get over the OW at the same time?

 

Gosh, you have a lot ahead of you. A hurt wife, a small baby and a longing for a carefree fantasy affair. You are going to need help.

 

Three weeks NC isn't much. Do you still see this woman at school? That won't help. At least you are in IC. I agree you need to tell your wife. It will actually help, honestly. And don't use the ICs apparent agreement with your wish for secrecy as a cover. You must be telling fibs in MC if you haven't owned up. That means you are wasting your money. MC should wait a little until you've had a bit more space and IC to begin to clear your muddled thinking.

 

When my daughter was 13, she had a poster about boys. The first picture said 'boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them'. At the time I thought it funny but a bit mean (I have all girls). Please don't be that boy any more.

[Cymbeline]

PS, this article by a popular teacher of philosophy might give you pause for thought.

Our Most Romantic Moments | The Book of Life

[LostOnes05]

Do the dirt, but won't come clean. There are a few words for that.

[wmacbride]

If you don't tell your wife, you will be lying to her face everyday, even if by admission.

 

what will your wife do if she finds out about the affair some other way? i know that right now, you assume that she will never find out and your ow will never say anything, but you can't trust her not to.

 

If your wife finds out form anyone else besides you, she will never be bale to trust you again, and a marriage like that is no place to raise children.

 

Also, your IC will be telling you things and giving advice about what will benefit you, not your marriage. What will you say if your mc asks about cheating? Will you lie there too?

 

While there may be some bs who say they rather not have found out bout the A, there are many who say they wanted to know.

[aileD]

Best way to get over the affair partner is to tell your wife.

 

Your wife will be pissed and probably threaten to divorce you. Maybe she'll even leave and take the kids with her

 

Then you'll be faced with losing everything that really matters and you'll see then how much your homewrecking affair partner doesn't really matter in the big picture.

[ladydesigner]

You get over an AP by NC and time and not feeding thoughts of the AP. You have to push out thoughts of AP every time they come into your head.

 

As far as telling your wife, that's your call (not a good one btw), and don't be surprised if someone, even your xAP, may tell her then what?

[ShatteredLady]

Was your baby planned? Did you feel love for your wife before pregnancy? Were you happy, excited, loving when the pregnancy test came back positive?

 

 

In my experience as a bs not knowing that my H was having an affair was awful. I'm still more damaged by the things that he said & did to me before d-day than I am by the actual affair.

 

Without your HONEST input I have no way of knowing if you started to 'go off' your wife because your marriage had problems or if cognitive dissonance took over & you needed all the excuses you could find to justify your appalling bahavior....yes! Committing adultery while your wife is dealing with the stress, sleep deprivation, hormonal roller coaster etc of a new born baby is horrific!

 

Chances are your poor hormonal wife was loosing her mind (& heart) because she could feel your distance & cold behavior at what's supposed to be a wonderful time! Be honest. At least let her know that she's not crazy!!

 

We're all different. If you're not the kind of man who can handle marriage, real committed love & being a father, man up & divorce her!

[lemondrop21]

Not sure if OP is coming back, but anyway...

 

Just to add my experience as an xOW, from what I observed with my xMM - your heart has to be pretty much "all in" in wanting to revive your marriage, or at least 90% there. If you think of it only as "giving your marriage a real chance" because that's what you "should" do, then you'll just be constantly looking for signs of "have I given this enough of a chance yet?"

 

I don't think you're there yet and I suspect you'll continue obsessing about AP and resume contact (you probably already have). Eventually the whole thing will blow itself up in some way though. AP will get too fed up with the push pull games, your wife will find out... something.

 

FWIW I've given a lot of thought to the idea of whether A's should be disclosed (I'm not a BW though) and I think that in order to stop the vicious A circle, in situations like yours (very heavy EA and PA), they almost HAVE to be disclosed, unless AP finds the mental strength to keep the door firmly closed. Easier said than done when she's in love with you and senses your ambivalence about your marriage.

 

If you were to disclose, or if your wife were to find out in some other way, and she wanted to stay and work on the marriage and seemed able to ultimately forgive you/reconcile, how would you feel? Relieved? Disappointed?

Edited August 24, 2016 by lemondrop21

[Mr. Lucky]

in situations like yours (very heavy EA and PA), they almost HAVE to be disclosed, unless AP finds the mental strength to keep the door firmly closed.

 

Given that his thread is titled "How Do I Get Over Her?", door closure seems a long ways off.

 

Most WS like the OP are P/A enough to let the affair play out until circumstances force their hand one way or the other. The coward's way out...

 

Mr. Lucky