Wife was cheating. Second chance or not?

[Careless Whispers]

I think I just need people to slap me and tell me to wake up. I am a mess, my heart and head are pulling me different ways. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat, I just want my life back.

 

The short story is that my wife has been cheating with multiple guys. I know that it’s such a massive betrayal that we are finished. At the same time I desperately want to save what we have.

 

The more detailed story makes for some sad reading. We first starting seeing each other as friends with benefits some 20 odd years ago. We were young, we experimented, we did things that we probably shouldn’t have. Eventually we fell in love and became exclusive and all the playing around stopped as we committed to each other. We married, we have 5 kids, we, as far as I knew, were happy.

 

She bowled in a 10 pin bowling team with 3 guys. They used to go out to eat/drink after they bowled. I never had an issue with this. They are very good at what they do and they went out just to discuss how the night went. I have been on occasion myself, I would consider these guys friends. Certainly not close, but friends nevertheless. I have been to all their houses and met their wives. They were just decent people so I thought.

 

Anyway one of the wives thought her husband was having an affair and hired a private detective. What they found as wrecked me. Her husband was having an affair, an affair with my wife. But far far worse is that it was the whole team in some bizarre group sex thing.

 

Of course I hate her for what she has done. But nothing is ever just that easy is it. I have kids I have to think about. I can’t just walk out. I also don’t want the embarrassment. I dread having to tell family and friends if it comes to it. How do I tell the kids that their Mom is a whore? Of course I wouldn’t tell them details but just telling them my wife was cheating would be embarrassing enough.

 

She has quit bowling and severed all contact with these people now and is begging for my forgiveness. She has promised the world, promised to do whatever I ask. We have been seeing a counselor, I’m not sure whether it helps or confuses me. She answers any questions I have. The counselor warned of “trickle truthing”. I have yet to catch a lie so maybe I am getting the whole story. And the story is not pretty, this group thing had been going on for just over 2 years.

 

So here I sit lonely, in front of a computer screen. Asking strangers what would they do? I guess that’s the real question. I desperately want to give my wife a hug and kiss and tell her we will work it out, but does she deserve that? Is it even possible to rebuild from such betrayal? I’m sure people can get through a drunken one night stand but this?

 

I’m here with open ears (or eyes really) to listen to whatever anyone wants to offer. If I choose to give her a chance am I just being weak and opening myself up to a future that could be a repeat?

 

I found out about this 4 months ago. We are 47/40 years old. We first started seeing each other 22 years ago, exclusively 20 years ago.

[Marc878]

You have time so do not for any reason jump into or commit to a reconciliation. This is a huge mistake most make upfront in the confusion and shock of what you're going through right now.

 

Secondly you did not cause this. Be wary of MC or IC they are not gods and there are morons in this field. Use your common sense here. If they try and pin this or in any way name you for her affair get up and walk out. No marriage is perfect but most do not have affairs like this.

 

In the future please understand that a huge amount of affairs start as friendships. There should never be close different sexy friendships in a marriage. Read " Not Just Friends". You should understand this now.

 

You can never fix or control her she has to do that.

 

Can you live with his long term.

 

Never stay just for the kids. It's an excuse to do nothing.

[doyathinkso]

It is far far better for children to have come from a broken home than to have to live in one, so ....

 

RUN Forrest!!!! RUN!!!

[Satu]

Look closely at her before you make any decisions.

 

How genuinely remorseful is she?

 

Has she really told you everything?

 

Has she completely blocked every avenue of communication with the other man?

 

Approach everything she says woth skepticism, as you know she's fully capable of telling you very big lies.

 

 

Take care.

[aileD]

You need time and distance.

 

A lot of people here will tell you to run, she's a horrible person, your kids are better off coming from a divorced home. That's because they've been thru it and they see patterns and all that.

 

But only you know your wife and your relationship and your family. I think it's honorable to want to save your marriage and what good dad wouldn't want to be there for his kids?

 

But this is all too raw for you right now to make a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life. You may feel now you can never forgive her and see her the same but maybe later you will, maybe this will be the catalyst that helps both of you find happiness together . Or. Vice versa. Maybe you learn you can never forgive her and you just can't stay.

 

But....there's work to be done before you get to either decision. Personal work and marriage work. Maybe a separation for a month or two so you can get some clarity, counciling and the space to think for yourself. There is also something called discernment counseling that can help ou both decide if you can move forward together ....or if ou will move forward alone

 

Good luck. I hope you find peace

Edited August 13, 2016 by aileD

[kgcolonel]

Look closely at her before you make any decisions.

 

How genuinely remorseful is she?

 

Has she really told you everything?

 

Has she completely blocked every avenue of communication with the other man?

 

Approach everything she says woth skepticism, as you know she's fully capable of telling you very big lies.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Generally speaking I am of the mind to eject...however, if you eject, you will be facing shared custody. She will undoubtedly have her playmates over to meet and be around your kids...(you did not say what age). In this case I would be of the mindset to hang in there until the kids are out of the house and then see where you are. This is not to preserve the M but for the kids safety. Is she a good mother? In other aspects of her life, is she responsible etc.?

 

You may decide to have an open marriage so the trust issue is a non-issue. Both of you need to get tested for STD's pronto.

 

Just my thoughts.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm not sure how a marriage can compete when one party enjoys being the central focus of a gangbang....unless it is an open marriage.

 

Can you live with the fact, that some of the men might have taken photos of the group sex?

 

Can you live with the fact that most would judge your wife much more critically than the three men she was servicing? Or, that this might get out via gossip in your community? That there is a potential for public confrontation from numerous other hurt parties?

 

You have a lot to process. Only you will know if this is something you can live with.

[Bufo]

Do not confuse regret with remorse. At best regret is feeling bad because of what she chose to do. At worst it is feeling bad because of what she has lost. Remorse is feeling bad because of how she has killed the marriage, betrayed you and endangered her family.

 

She should consider individual counseling to learn why she could let herself make the choice did. Two plus years is not a mistake. It's many deliberate decisions. Without IC how will she avoid making the same choices in the future?

 

As is often repeated here do not believe her words. Look to her actions. She has proven herself to be a good liar so don't begin to think that she is honest now. Remember she was caught. Didn't end this gang bang bowling team on her own and confess her blatant infidelity to you.

 

Don't forgive unless you know what you are forgiving. Jesus forgave sinners after they acknowledged their sins. He didn't offer a blanket pardon. He's a pretty good example. You need time and truth. Not just the Newark overwhelming desire to get over this horror.

 

STD tests? A really good idea with a serial cheater. Which she is.

 

Are her consequences you described self imposed? If so good for her. But IC and std testing should be two of the consequences you impose. There may be others but I'll leave suggestions to others.

 

Don't expect to ever forget. Your M as you knew it is over. Killed by her.

Maybe you can develop a new M. It won't happen tomorrow. It may never happen as her choice could be a deal breaker.

 

Have all the betrayed spouses here been told?

 

Finally, to those who argue for no disclosure ask yourselves where our OP would be had BW not told him.

[stillafool]

I just want to say you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have done anything and who cares what other people think when it comes to your life. Reach out to a good friend for support if you have to.

[Jersey born raised]

Three guys at once? Hard to believe but I have learned a lot about CSA and FOO issues the last three years. The only way I find this believable is that serious abuse occurred in childhood. Has your MC suggested IC for her? If not dump him/her as they are incompetent.

 

Has she said I couldn't help myself? Given the situation I believe her. Te question is why?

 

Watch your language with her, especially the terms you use. They will only allow her at some fuure date to use them against you to justify her actions.

[Jersey born raised]

Follow up: has HB occurred yet? Avoid it as she might take it as an unwritten agreement.

 

Be aware if there is CSA and or severe FOO issues there is a good chance see will do and say anything before telling you, MC, or IC before admitting. Up to and including claiming she liked it and then doing it again to prove it.

[BluesPower]

Dude, marc is right in one respect that you don't have to decide right now.

 

But I have to say F***. What the hell??? I mean come on. If she talked to you first and said she wanted to get back into swinging or what ever first, that would be SOOO different. But come on, really?

 

My first advice is to think really hard. Myself I would run, run and keep running to get away from her.

 

The amount of disrespect for you and you marriage is just too much to comprehend. I could not do it.

 

What does she say to you? What are the reasons? How in any way can she justify any of this, well she can't but what does she try to say?

 

This is just so bad man. My heart goes out to you.

[BluesPower]

OK, I just read 2 years? NFW.

 

You have to get out, I have never heard of a man recovering from something like this, no way.

 

You have to get out, the kids will be ok and maybe you can get custody. But there is no way you can take her back.

 

Does anyone think I am crazy? I really want to know.

[BettyDraper]

I think I just need people to slap me and tell me to wake up. I am a mess, my heart and head are pulling me different ways. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat, I just want my life back.

 

The short story is that my wife has been cheating with multiple guys. I know that it’s such a massive betrayal that we are finished. At the same time I desperately want to save what we have.

 

The more detailed story makes for some sad reading. We first starting seeing each other as friends with benefits some 20 odd years ago. We were young, we experimented, we did things that we probably shouldn’t have. Eventually we fell in love and became exclusive and all the playing around stopped as we committed to each other. We married, we have 5 kids, we, as far as I knew, were happy.

 

She bowled in a 10 pin bowling team with 3 guys. They used to go out to eat/drink after they bowled. I never had an issue with this. They are very good at what they do and they went out just to discuss how the night went. I have been on occasion myself, I would consider these guys friends. Certainly not close, but friends nevertheless. I have been to all their houses and met their wives. They were just decent people so I thought.

 

Anyway one of the wives thought her husband was having an affair and hired a private detective. What they found as wrecked me. Her husband was having an affair, an affair with my wife. But far far worse is that it was the whole team in some bizarre group sex thing.

 

Of course I hate her for what she has done. But nothing is ever just that easy is it. I have kids I have to think about. I can’t just walk out. I also don’t want the embarrassment. I dread having to tell family and friends if it comes to it. How do I tell the kids that their Mom is a whore? Of course I wouldn’t tell them details but just telling them my wife was cheating would be embarrassing enough.

 

She has quit bowling and severed all contact with these people now and is begging for my forgiveness. She has promised the world, promised to do whatever I ask. We have been seeing a counselor, I’m not sure whether it helps or confuses me. She answers any questions I have. The counselor warned of “trickle truthing”. I have yet to catch a lie so maybe I am getting the whole story. And the story is not pretty, this group thing had been going on for just over 2 years.

 

So here I sit lonely, in front of a computer screen. Asking strangers what would they do? I guess that’s the real question. I desperately want to give my wife a hug and kiss and tell her we will work it out, but does she deserve that? Is it even possible to rebuild from such betrayal? I’m sure people can get through a drunken one night stand but this?

 

I’m here with open ears (or eyes really) to listen to whatever anyone wants to offer. If I choose to give her a chance am I just being weak and opening myself up to a future that could be a repeat?

 

I found out about this 4 months ago. We are 47/40 years old. We first started seeing each other 22 years ago, exclusively 20 years ago.

 

I don't have kids so it's easy for me to say that I would leave.

I understand that many couples feel compelled to stay together for their children; particularly when they have created a large family like yours. It's not weak to want to keep your family together because everyone has different tolerance levels.

 

Do give yourself more time to get past your wife's actions; four months is nothing in terms of healing from such a huge betrayal. I once read that it takes 2 years for a couple to repair their marriage after infidelity.

 

Please don't stay together because you want to save face. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your wife is the one who should feel ashamed. At least she is showing remorse. As a woman, I think what your wife did is extremely reprehensible and disgusting. Cheating with one man is bad enough but THREE AT ONCE?!

[BettyDraper]

OK, I just read 2 years? NFW.

 

You have to get out, I have never heard of a man recovering from something like this, no way.

 

You have to get out, the kids will be ok and maybe you can get custody. But there is no way you can take her back.

 

Does anyone think I am crazy? I really want to know.

 

No. I don't think you're crazy at all.

 

I can see why you would advise the OP to leave.

 

Sadly, five children will complicate the decision to divorce.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. There's a HUGE difference between a short term affair with ONE person but from what you're saying she had sex with ALL TREE MEN AT THE SAME TIME? Is this correct?

 

I'm far from 'vanilla' but to me this points to far deeper issues. Does your wife come from an abusive family? History of abuse?

 

Infidelity should never be rug swept. That's even more important here. Your wife has allowed herself to be used by 3 men & thought nothing of inviting you to sit with them all & build friendships!! That's horrific!!

[GoldenR]

This is.....geez.....it's really sick.

 

I see no way for R to happen. It's hard enough to make a WS break contact with 1 AP. But to make them break contact with....how many? 3? More? Were other teams involved? How do you even monitor that? Going thru the phone statement would be like doing a word search puzzle.

 

Get a lawyer. File for D asap.

[Cephalopod]

Your wife is a sick and twisted woman. I don't see how any self respecting husband could get past this. Go out and find the meanest shark lawyer you can and get full custody of your kids. Do not let someone like her warp their minds.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm so sorry. There's a HUGE difference between a short term affair with ONE person but from what you're saying she had sex with ALL TREE MEN AT THE SAME TIME? Is this correct?

 

Honestly, I don't see how this puts the OP in any different position than other BS trying to recover from a LTA. The group aspect presents sexual issues, but so do the other things - had sex in the marital bed, did acts with the AP refused to do with the BS, tried BDSM, etc - one reads about in other threads.

 

Careless Whispers, I'd think about not what you want but why you want it. Put another way, fear of divorce won't fix a marriage, especially with infidelity involved. Your wife, through her words and deeds, should be giving you compelling reasons to stay married in a way that will work for you going forward.

 

Lots on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Friend, try and guess how many times you had sex with her bowling team, think about it. Why would you ever want her back. This was no one night stand, this was two years of gang banging. She's had enough sex over the last two years to last a lifetime. You will never overcome the imbalance created by her complete lack of standards. I wonder if they ever actually bowled? This is not just infidelity but a total lack of respect for you and your 5 children, none of them were ever your friends. Seriously, 2 years of three guys using your wife as their personal........ can't even write it because I am so angry for you and your children. There is no overcoming this. Talk to a lawyer, your wife is one of the nastiest ones I've read about on this site or any other. You deserve way better then this.

[road]

I will not fault you for divorcing or recovering your marriage. Having kids does weigh heavy for many BH's.

 

 

Thing is there is no reason to reach a decision today to save or end your marriage.

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. The first 6 months after D day has the BH's brain so fried that it takes those 6 months for the BH to process or to say come to terms with what happened to their marriage so that they are then again able to make rational and sound life altering decisions.

 

 

Take your time and think things through.

[EunuchMonk]

Gang bang with her teammates? Just when I thought I'd heard it all. Staggering. Take your time, like the other posters have said. Is it weak of you to stay? I don't know you personally so I can't say. She is certainly not acting like cheaters typical act after they have been exposed. She quit the team. That's a start. You say she is honest with you and doing everything to get you back? See how long this keeps up.

[WilyWill]

She's got some serious issues. Perhaps it would be different if you were some neglectful/abusive husband and she slowly grew closer to a trusted male friend. But being a sex toy for 3 guys over the course of 2 years? She's sick.

 

Do not have sex with her. Explain to her that you expect her to get tested for STDs. Also tell her that you're arranging a paternity test on all 5 children. Let her see consequences for lying: loss of all trust for anything she's told you in the past and anything she might tell you in the future.

 

Personally, I'd divorce her. There are a million loyal, loving women who would see you as a prize.

[Mr Blunt]

By Careless Whispers

Asking strangers what would they do?

I would make my life and my children’s welfare the absolute number one priority. I would not allow my wife’s welfare to interfere in any way with my rebuilding plan. This is not a revenge thing it is a reality thing. You cannot build up yourself, your children, and your wife at the same time. So you have to eliminate one and that one would be your wife. You cannot be much help, if any help, in fixing your wife that is something that she will have to do for herself. DO NOT SACRIFICE your welfare and your children’s welfare for your wife. The reality is that you can only save yourself and your children but you cannot save or change your wife. She will have to do that.

 

I know that you are deeply hurt and want to fix everything but you cannot. You will be tempted to rush in when you think that you can fix your wife but what your wife has to fix is internal, she was very selfish, and she is a weakling. No one can fix that except her. Yes other helps can help her but not you as you have been devastated and need all the strength that you have to get better. I am not suggesting that you be mean to your wife but realize that if you do not get stronger you will get worse. Your emotions are bleeding profusely and you need to start stopping the bleeding immediately.

 

You say that your wife is remorseful so then if she is serous then she will sign a post nup or divorce papers. If you want you can tell her that depending on her actions and your state of being, you may re-marry her in the future. Your wife’s words are:

She has promised the world, promised to do whatever I ask

Now she can prove her words by her actions. Words mean nothing in this case and only actions tell the real story. Your wife promised you on your wedding day to be loyal to you and to forsake all others. What did she do? Her actions proved her promises as being untrue and unreliable.

 

You can only trust actions for a long time as being real.

[Poutrew]

Wow, just...wow. If this were my wife and I decided to stay with her, I would never be able to have sex with her again. I would tell her to her face. From this point on her watchword is celibacy. Truthfully, I probably would never be able to view her nude body without getting violently ill. And if I did throw up, I would make sure it would be on her...