Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[wmacbride]

A question for those who's families were touched by infidelity.

 

If you had a mother or father who cheated, do you feel it affected your life, actions and beliefs as an adult? Would you rather have had them divorce?

 

Personally, I don't think my children will be affected that much by my spouses affair, but I don't know. Except for our youngest, they now it happened, but both my H and myself have put in an effort to explain , in terms and at a level they can understand, what took place why it was wrong, and how he took responsibility for it.

 

I hope that will minimize any negative effects on them ( i had hoped they would never find out, but they did...you'd be surprised how much kids can pick up even if their parents think they are hiding it well). I do know that neither of my daughters is interested in dating, and have asked why so many men see other women when they know it hurts their wives. My husband overheard them asking me that once, and it really made him sad.

 

Do you think having parents who have had affairs harms kids and affects them long term and into adulthood?

[aileD]

Yes it affects them.

 

Children are governed by rules and find their security there and no matter what excuse you give, infidelity shows your kids that the rules of life you instilled in them don't matter if you can find a good enough excuse.

 

Which is why so many kids of infidelity and divorce end up doing drugs, skipping school, dropping grades and acting out.

 

If their parents don't have to follow the rules of morality then why should they?

[DKT3]

The stats say those kids are 6 times more likely to be unfaithful as well.

 

But I think the issues can run much deeper, creating trust issues and jaded attitudes.

 

My wife and I have noticed that our son seems to be not as respectful towards female classmates as he should be. He is dismissive and too blunt, otherwise he is a good kid.

[Poutrew]

I'd say that it will come back to haunt the cheating spouse when they talk to their kids about honor, loyalty, truth, and all those other nasty things. The kid will just say, "You mean that I shouldn't act like you? Lying and cheating on your spouse and fuc*ing another person when you were married? Yeah, right. Tell me some more lies... now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do. I like to smoke marijuana and watch porn while I do my math homework. Get lost"

[Lady2163]

It matters how it is handled, by both the WS and BS.

 

If they learn of the affair and they themselves were victims of it or pawns and they witnessed one parent treat the other badly, this can all possibly be negatives.

 

I know two kids (well, now adults) who were brought into the mix by bw, to help "get daddy to stay". They don't remember the details and everything that was said, but they remember the fear and immense sadness. Their dad did stay, but only for five more years before he found someone else. He didn't love their mother anymore and those five years of playing happy family were agony to him.

 

They are part of a conservative Christian church that is very important to them. It was confusing for them to see their mother go from dearly loving their father to hating him and alienating them from their father.

 

Because they were conservative, because it was a small town, they avoided the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol. They always knew it was expected they go to college or work after high school.

 

They were estranged from their father for 20+ years.

 

Until....the son didn't marry wisely. He tried to keep the marriage together for the child and when he couldn't a lightbulb went on in his brain.

 

I know I'm old fashioned in my thinking, and I know I'm an EX OW. But IF the kids are clueless on DDAY and there hasn't been an disturbance in their lives and IF they are still sexually naive, then I don't think they should be let in on the adult problems.

 

A male friend of mine wasn't cheating, but it was taking him too long to get errands done. He had joined a workout group at his job. Eventually, the wife was suspicious and angrily said to him, "if you're having an affair, I will divorce you and you are leaving the house TONIGHT!"

 

Unfortunately, she said this right as tween son was walking past the room.

 

Which caused enough problems that nine years later, he'd LIKE to divorce her. He can't forgive her angry, excited utterance that rocked their child's world. And he was totally innocent.

 

Their happy, well-adjusted son now had repeated fears that he would be stuck living with the mother. Anytime they argued after that he would get horribly stressed. He was clingy and rarely left his dad's side when they were home together. He actually bought the son a car and faced the wrath of older siblings because he hoped it would make him spend more time doing teen things.

[fenix]

I think these articles may be interesting.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html

http://www.nytimes.com/1989/03/09/us/health-psychology-experts-find-extramarital-affairs-have-profound-impact.html

Children Of Infidelity?How They Hurt, And How They Heal

Edited August 7, 2016 by fenix

[minimariah]

If you had a mother or father who cheated, do you feel it affected your life, actions and beliefs as an adult? Would you rather have had them divorce?

 

my father had an affair & divorced my mother; he married his OW & they've been together for years now. my mother also remarried and is very happy.

 

that being said... it affected me. deeply. not necessarily in a bad or even in a good way... it was just something that... touched me. i don't know how to explain it. it crushed my dream of pure love... when i was a teen, i used to fantasize about happily ever after and their affair made me realize that HEAs rarely happen. it made me appreciate the moment more. but... it did made me a sceptic. it killed my innocence when it comes to love, i guess.

 

my parents didn't have a bad marriage. they loved each other, dearly. there will always be this kindness present between them. so their marriage was a GOOD one. they had a GOOD relationship... and still! my father had an affair. it made me insecure - i was always thinking: okay... NOW, TODAY we have a good thing going on. but who knows if he'll meet his fatal woman tomorrow? who knows what happens tomorrow? so that awareness of affairs made me less secure. i don't think that was a direct consequence of an affair but seeing an example like that right in front of me... affair happening in a good, loving marriage? it made it harder, for sure.

 

so when i got cheated on, i wasn't surprised. i was like - oh, well. told my dad about it and when he saw i actually EXPECTED it... like, i even cracked jokes about it... he became very sad. to him... i think it was then that he saw the magnitude of his affair - not a day goes by anymore that he doesn't call me and gives me an entire "never settle for anything less than 100% faithful, true love is real!" speech.

 

it did change me, for sure. it changed my relationship with my dad, the way i view him. it changed my views on men and relationships. for the worse but somehow... for the better, too. i don't look at it as something that's good OR bad - just something that had happened and helped making me who i am today.

 

oh and one more thing - i never cheated on anyone. and i honestly can say... the older i get -- i never will. never say never, true... but i feel it in my bones - i'm just never going to find myself in that role, ever. and i WAS tempted, fell for someone who was married - never crossed a line. if my parents didn't divorce and if i didn't see it all up close... i'm not sure i'd be able to resist.

Edited August 7, 2016 by minimariah

[wmacbride]

I do agree that how it is handled can make a big difference.

 

My own dad had a very short term A before I was born, and I never really knew about it. What I did know is that there was something between him and my mom that was the proverbial elephant in the room. though they did love one another dearly, and even though she passed away he still loves her just as much, it was there.

 

I suppose part of that was because back in the time it happened ( early 60's), many married couples who experienced infidelity didn't talk much about it in the same way people do today. I don't think marriage counseling was as much of a thing as it is today either. They just sort of sunk or swam, as best they could, in their own. My brother and I knew there was something between them, mostly through overhearing bits and pieces and coming into a room at the tail end of a conversation.I do think my brother figured out what had happened.

 

I found out about the A when I was talking to them after my H had an A himself. My dad told me he hadn't fully realized just how painful it was for my mom until he saw how it affected me. They even went to counseling a few times, and both said how much it helped them, even all those years later.

 

Whether it directly affected me and my brother, I can't say, as I don't have anything to compare it to. What I do know is that both of us had issues as teens, and as an adult, he has a huge amount of trouble with being faithful.

Me, I'm the opposite, and have no desire to cheat.

[Woggle]

I know people who have serious trust issues with the opposite sex because the parent of the opposite sex cheated so yes it does affect the children.

[sugarpuss]

I think a lot of factors here can affect the children. Just because one parent had an affair doesn't necessarily mean the child is doomed. That being said, my dad's SERIOUS infidelity has affected both my relationship with him and my relationships with others. I've never cheated on anyone myself, but I don't bat an eye when I've heard other people have cheated. I think because I was exposed to it so early on, it just seems normal to me, like any other relationship "choice". Some people cohabit, some people don't. Some people cheat, some people don't. That's how I view it in my mind. But that's just my story.

[SweetiePi]

Yes, it does affect children. My dad used to cheat left and right and he became abusive as well. My mom did leave when she was in a financial position to do so.

 

 

I have daddy issues to this day and trust issues with men that has followed me my whole adult life. I have picked a string of men who cheated on me or were abusive. To this day it is very hard for me to trust men in friendships or let them near me physically and emotionally. For me, the effects of growing up seeing this has been detrimental. The thoughts in my head are negative and I lack confidence and self worth. I have a lot of therapy to get as normal as possible.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Both my dear parents are no longer with me, and while I don't believe there was any infidelity in THEIR marriage, I recall overhearing an uncle and my Mother discussing the uncle's betrayal of one of my Fathers sisters. She told him he was a foolish man!

 

We have four adult children. At the time I discovered my husband's four year affair, the youngest was just 14 and still at home. She has been probably the most affected as the others were already fully fledged and living their lives independently.

 

I believe in spite of every effort to protect her from the fallout, she is the most affected. I see her struggle in her relationships with trust. It's difficult to be witness to frankly, and she's such a lovely girl but gives far too much of herself in the misguided hope that she will be 'enough' ....

 

Our son was deeply affected at the time. His 'hero' had let him down. The man he looked up to and wanted to emulate no longer existed in his eyes. Now he has 'tenuous' relationships with women. He doesn't give himself easily.

 

Our eldest daughter was enormously resentful when she found out, and subconsciously stayed quite angry for some time. When her own partner was discovered having an affair, she tried terribly hard to make it work, feeling that she didn't want to 'fail' in that relationship. She left when it became obvious to her that her partner was simply taking advantage of what she saw as my daughter's 'weakness'.

 

Our other daughter was devastated that her Dad could be so cruel. She wept for months. She shut him out to protect her own family from being 'infected' by his betrayal, as she put it. Her own husband was recently discovered in an affair. He no longer lives with her.

 

They have all recovered from the fallout and have a healthy relationship with their Dad once more, but if you look behind their love for him, and the smiles they share, there's definitely a hint of 'not forgotten'...

 

While the things that our children experience may well have been just a part of their personal development anyway, I do believe that because they have been touched by the fallout of infidelity, it has changed the colours around in their own rainbow.

 

Affected by parents where cheating is involved? Oh most certainly.....

Edited August 8, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo

[dreamingoftigers]

I' D just like to say in my case, yes it did for sure. And to that I will add.....Duh.

[LifesontheUp]

Of course it does.

 

We were 3 kids who didn't know why our mother was never really there for us, rushing off somewhere, mind elsewhere etc etc.

 

When it all blew up, we were all in our teens and sided with our dad. She hated that, because, well you know she felt justified in having these OM etc etc

 

To this day, her relationship with her kids (me, sis and brother) is up and down but mainly down. Most of the time we don't bother with her she is clearly a narcissist.

 

I had trust issues for long time and then after years of being okay my xH cheated. I went to counselling about my mother, upbriging and xH. Not saying I am fixed but I am older and wiser and have survived.

Edited August 8, 2016 by LifesontheUp

[2.50 a gallon]

Just an observation in my family.

My married sister was cheated on by her Ex, just about the time the oldest daughter married. My younger niece, was very much into wanting to have a large family, after that when ever she got into a semi serious relationship, all it took was one small misunderstanding and he was history.

She finally married in her late 30's and then dated the guy for years and years, before saying yes.

As for the oldest niece, married two kids, their father cheated on their mom, as they were leaving and starting high school. Both kids are now old enough to marry and neither has any desire to ever marry.

[ladydesigner]

I actually used my mom's A as a green light to have my own A (I had a RA after WH's first infidelity). I had the whole what's good for the goose must be good for the gander syndrome . But I do remember thinking, "Hey if mom did it so can I!" dumb dumb dumb idea.

[aileD]

Of course it does.

 

We were 3 kids who didn't know why our mother was never really there for us, rushing off somewhere, mind elsewhere etc etc.

 

When it all blew up, we were all in our teens and sided with our dad. She hated that, because, well you know she felt justified in having these OM etc etc

 

To this day, her relationship with her kids (me, sis and brother) is up and down but mainly down. Most of the time we don't bother with her she is clearly a narcissist.

 

I had trust issues for long time and then after years of being okay my xH cheated. I went to counselling about my mother, upbriging and xH. Not saying I am fixed but I am older and wiser and have survived.

 

These are my kids (16/13) now. just got a sad email from WS today saying he feels likes the kids are just done with him, they don't talk or answer his texts and don't want to see him.

 

It's sad I said, yes but what did he expect when he took off to go live in a car with his mistress?

 

My kids don't want to get married now either.

 

INFIDELITY DESTROYS THE LIVES OF EVERYONE INVOLVED

[understand50]

These are my kids (16/13) now. just got a sad email from WS today saying he feels likes the kids are just done with him, they don't talk or answer his texts and don't want to see him.

 

It's sad I said, yes but what did he expect when he took off to go live in a car with his mistress?

 

My kids don't want to get married now either.

 

INFIDELITY DESTROYS THE LIVES OF EVERYONE INVOLVED

 

Infidelity is a destroyer, and will go beyond the husband and wife. Kids are the unnamed victims in all this. Divorce, also has a bad effect. Some just do not think, of all the hurt, and pain inflected. At some point, hopefully, they will look back with regret for not only losing thier spouse, but their family as well.

 

My two cents

[DKT3]

I'm amazed at how many WS don't want to believe that their affair impact the kids. Oh my kids are fine, they are happy well adjusted kids. Maybe, but what about 10 years from now. Just more delusions.

 

My wife had a thread here about a year ago talking about how her affair impacted our son. At the time I didn't really think much of it, I was thinking he was so young how much could he possibly know or understand. Well they don't stay young forever. Over the years he has put the puzzle together, many of the pieces are incorrect but its hard to convince him otherwise. "Dad I was there, I remember" how do you explain that his memory is faulty because he couldn't fully comprehend the situation at the time and has since filled in the blanks with false information?

 

All these years later he is just now angry... infidelity is the neverending gift

[Lobe]

If you had a mother or father who cheated, do you feel it affected your life, actions and beliefs as an adult?

 

Do you think having parents who have had affairs harms kids and affects them long term and into adulthood?

 

I think "how" not "if" is the right operative word here. With the exception of kids who have no clue about any infidelity because they were too little to remember, I think even children in families whose parents successfully buried the A would still have felt the marital unease.

 

During their marriage, my father allegedly had both straight and homosexual sex alone and in groups with his bandmates while he was an alcoholic - my mother telling me this was clearly character assassination whether it was true or not as they divorced when I would have been too young to know anything of it but if I had walked in on it happening I imagine it would impact me differently. My "knowledge" of his affairs is secondhand and suspect as my mother has a tendency to creatively embellish facts when it comes to painting my father as the anti-Christ so I imagine he probably was in fact unfaithful, but I'm not sure if it was nearly as wild and crazy as I've been led to believe.

 

I know of narcissistic remorseless men who are entitled misogynists; one of the posters here on LS has a husband who is transitioning and while (s)he is faithful, she was wanting an open relationship; I know a man whose father cheated on his mother exclusively with men on weekend retreats and chose not to divorce their mother until all the children had left the house; my husband was an utter assh*le to me for the duration of the A and my entire household fell apart in front of our children who are all teens and tweens. The subtle nuances each individual will pick up and take away with them from any one of these situations will likely run the gamut from, "My Mum & Dad did it so I suppose I'm going to as well," to "I saw what it did to my Mum and Dad and I'd never do that" though not one of us ever knows with 100% certainty that it could never happen to us...

 

Statistically, though, I remember reading in at least 2 or 3 books about affairs that if your parents had affairs, you are more likely to engage in one yourself, as we tend to model our behaviour after our parents subconsciously - something like, when the opportunity for an affair comes up, a person who grew up witnessing infidelity will be more likely to say, "Oh, so this is why it happens, I understand now..." whereas someone with no frame of reference is supposedly more likely to say, "Nope, this feels wrong, I just can't."

[ShatteredLady]

Our core group of friends at home all came together in our late teens/early 20's.

 

We all had a version of this conversation when we were in our late 20's....

 

Our group of 8 friends were pretty laid-back, easy going people. Never any drama or fights. We hung out most of the time. Pubs, clubs, each others homes. We could drink excessively & sit-up half the night laughing & talking about everything & nothing.

 

We noticed over the years that there had been some incredibly high drama times. Crying, screaming, storming out in the middle of the night...everyone worried & searching or hugging & trying to talk through, calm the drama.

 

This was ALWAYS when certain other people joined our group & in hindsight we noticed a very interesting trend... All of the drama makers we had known came from similar family backgrounds. Usually, Daddy/Mummy was having affairs while I was growing-up & now I hardly ever see that parent. ALL broken homes.

 

It didn't only effect their drama filled romantic relationships. There was jealousy & misunderstandings between friends & relatives. I have to admit that my cousins, who come from an incredibly dramatic dysfunctional home life, were amongst the worst culprits (in their 40's their lives are STILL filled with drama & pain).

 

I agree with Lobe. "The question should be HOW are kids effected, not IF!".

[ShatteredLady]

My parents have a very stable loving marriage. Always have. They're talkers!! They talk all the time!! Of course they had disagreements over the years but they sat-up talking about it & everything was back to normal the next day. Pretty fantastic relationship. As I get older I realize just how FANTASTIC it is.

 

 

My brothers wife had a really messed-up affair. Insane gaslighting, trickle truth, you know?? He couldn't get angry. He was just so sad & confused. He was eventually hit by the last straw & took his own life.

 

My H cheated on me & I completely fell apart. I know that most BS's say the same thing & I have no way of knowing if I've 'fallen apart' more than the average blind-sided bs but it feels like it (with some exceptions).

 

 

On a bad night I wonder if being raised by parents with such a strong, dedicated, passionate relationship ill equipped us to deal with the modern world?!?! Are screwed-up kids less damaged by betrayal & infidelity later in life?

I hate to think that not believing in great expectations, loyalty, unconditional family love 'for better or worse' is a good thing....

 

No! Scrap that!! I love being a hapless romantic who believes in happy endings. I want my children to grow believing in the basic good in people. I want them to have faith in love.

[Lobe]

No! Scrap that!! I love being a hapless romantic who believes in happy endings. I want my children to grow believing in the basic good in people. I want them to have faith in love.

 

I think this is what fuels my reconciliation. Despite the fact I loved my husband deeply even while I was wallowing in the pits of despair after d-day, that alone wasn't enough for me to hold on to the marriage. It was not wanting to walk away from my happily ever after. I feel like the affair is a speed bump and not a roadblock in our lifelong love story.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Mine have been impacted big time. I lost tremendous respect for my wife after D-Day and it showed. And they saw it.

 

Because they look up to me so much, they also lost respect for her, although they really have no idea why. I can see it as clear as day, and she does too.

 

We've decided to reconcile, and it's been going ok, but the kids definitely aren't growing up with the level of respect and admiration for their mother that they should.

 

Some of that is on me. But a lot of it is on her. Not just because she had an affair, but just in the way she contributes to the household ( or doesn't )

[ShatteredLady]

Lobe - "I feel like the affair is a speed bump and not a roadblock in our lifelong love story.".

 

Exactly!!

 

Still want to kick him in the balls sometimes though