OM broke it off

[Ashlyn48]

I met a man through friends who is in the same profession. We hit it off immediately. We have so much in common, work with the same theories which is quite rare in our field and are physically attracted.

 

My marriage has been on the rocks for some time and I had plans to leave already. I never intended to have an affair but it happened. The OM is very religious and my husband is a good person just not right for me. We both struggled with guilt but always came back to each other.

 

We live in different countries and expanded our businesses to include each other. Clients were very happy and we worked very well together. We became a strong team professionally as well as personally. It was the strongest love I've ever felt. He was perfect. We discussed marriage, children, joining our businesses into one power house.

 

Everyone who knew about our relationship was supportive and wanted to see this happen. We talked all day, every day. He had encouraged me to give 1 last try for my marriage so that I didn't have regrets down the road. His ex wife had cheated so I understood and my husband and I went to marriage counselling which was unsuccessful.

 

I told my husband we were done and we agreed to separate civilly. I told my lover and 2 days later he broke up with me, said he couldn't take the guilt and had met a girl he knew was single and had asked her on a date.

 

I went into a tailspin and started separating business. He became irritable and transitioned from helpful and supportive to pushy and mean. The final day of contact resulted in him finally helping me close some files and I made one final plea to work things out. I told him I knew he loved me like I love him and that I don't want to give up on us. His reply was blunt and mean. He said he never loved me, it was a rebound from his divorce (he had been divorced a year) and that I was in denial, he was going to block my number and I needed to move on.

 

It has now been close to 1 month no contact and I'm still a mess. I'm in love with him. We were perfect together. I want him back more than anything. How did this happen? What can I do? How did he walk away from all of our plans so easily? He wanted this as much as I did. I told him I would leave and I did.

 

Why now? I can't stand the thought of living without him.

Edited August 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[whichwayisup]

You're in love with a fantasy, a man who doesn't exist... He deceived you and the perception you have of him is false. that man you 'love' has broken your heart and treated you poorly, he did a 180 and balked when you ended your marriage.

 

Sorry you're hurting but the best thing you can do is let him go and never reach out to him. He's moved on and has made it clear he wants you to do the same.

[notbroken]

I'm sorry, but you were in 'the affair fog' and wanted to believe a fantasy that wasn't there. He wasn't 'perfect for you' and has told you he never loved you. Believe him. Likely one of the few times he was completely honest with you. It is the harsh truth. Forgive yourself the best you can and move forward.

[BuddyX]

First of all, stop begging and pleading, that's not attractive.

 

Second, you are in the Affair Fog. As much you want to say you "never felt like this before", odds are you had the same butterfly feelings for your husband or previous boyfriend.

 

But here are the facts. He's a religious man. He has an affair with you. Dumps you. Does he go back to his wife? Nope, he finds another single girl (prob a better version of you and less drama). And oh yeah, let's repeat, he's a religious man.

 

Do you want to hang with a person like that?

[Lobe]

You've become part of the 99% of affairs that end with the AP broken-hearted and alone. You were his exit strategy and possibly some sort of revenge exercise for him. Think about this for a second: he divorced because his wife cheated on him so why would you think he would start a relationship with a woman already cheating on her current husband? That would be monumentally stupid on his part.

 

Put your big girl panties on, chin up, chest out, get some counseling for yourself, and find a nice single man to date. Welcome to LS

[Lobe]

Also, you might want to ask the mods to move this to the OM/OW board - you'll probably find more folks there with similar experiences who can commiserate and help you wade through the aftermath of the mess you're in.

[DKT3]

Divorced or divorcing men tend to fall into a rebound relationship very quickly, many experts call them transitional relationships, in which the man uses it to go from married to single. They never last, he normally picks a woman available but doesn't push for instant relationship. Then once you left the husband you killed it for him. Couple that with him having been cheated on and identifying with your husband, it's very likely that he saw you as unsafe since you are cheating on your husband with him.

[katielee]

The OM is very religious.

 

Really? your OM is an oxymoron.

[fenix]

Really? your OM is an oxymoron.

 

It probably works without the oxy part too

Edited August 5, 2016 by fenix

[fenix]

I'm in love with him. We were perfect together. I want him back more than anything. How did this happen? What can I do? How did he walk away from all of our plans so easily? He wanted this as much as I did. I told him I would leave and I did. Why now? I can't stand the thought of living without him.

I can only think that your husband probably felt this way with you too... I guess you have never thought about this when you were in the dumping side?

[ChickiePops]

You move on.

 

His wife cheated on him just as you cheated on your husband. It's entirely possible that he was just playing out some revenge fantasy about his wife on you.

[aliveagain]

He benefited by your relationship. You were someone else's problem until you left your husband. Until then he benefited by your business association, he got sex without any commitment, after all, you were already married to someone else. Once you became available and looked to him for a serious commitment he baled. He's probably too entitled to consider himself a cheater but he knows you are one and doesn't want a serious relationship with someone that will cheat on her husband. I don't think he trusts you enough to want to be in a relationship with you now that you are available. Why else would he dump you so quickly and for someone that is single and hardly knows? He used you, sorry but that's my take on things. I know guys just like him.

[Marc878]

The reality hits. You were nothing to him. It was perfect when you were Married and just a side show but now you want the whole thing. He never wanted or intended for this to be anything more than it was.

 

You situation is very typical just not to you.

 

Sorry but you've been had. Now you need to file that for wisdom and use it for your future relationships.

[ladydesigner]

(((Ashlyn48))) I am sorry you are in this situation, but better to realize who your OM really is than not.

 

It may be beneficial to you to read on the OW/OM forum as I think you would identify with many of the situations over there!

 

Get into see a therapist too to help you through this hard time!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Ouch. Hurts I bet.

 

My wife experienced something similar. She wrote a very civil no contact letter, and OM wrote back. " LMAO - You're pathetic."

 

Wife was very hurt by this, and at one point we discussed how blind she was to not see the situation for what it was to him.

 

Some woman wants to show up at my apartment with a bottle of vodka, get naked, have sex, and then LEAVE?!? And all I have to do in return is remember to send a text message later on that says she's great? And I don't have to deal with any of her REAL life problems?

 

Pffft... Where do I sign up for that?!?

 

 

But on D-Day, when she was still in the fog, I told her to take our kids and go show up at his doorstep with no place else to go, and find out real quick how much he cares about her. She didn't. Because she immediately knew the answer.

[harrybrown]

Use this time to work on yourself.

 

If you did not tell your H all about your A, then write him a letter.

 

You were played and the OM was a fantasy, but if you really knew, your H that you threw away and hurt was more of a man than the cheating OM.

 

Time to get your big girl pants on and face reality.

 

Go see a counselor, before getting with someone else.

 

you need to find out why you cheated in your marriage and now not to the next relationship. It is very painful to have someone lie and cheat on you over and over. The OM is a fantasy. Learn reality now.

[Wade Lamare]

 

How did this happen?

 

Well Ashlyn I think you basically got played big time by a master player. He probably enjoyed dangling you and humiliating your hubby (in his eyes anyway).

 

What can I do?

 

Not much I'm afraid, suck it up, Be a big girl. Try and improve your guy picker next time

 

 

 

How did he walk away from all of our plans so easily?

 

Well, I imagine in rather the same manner that you did with your hubby. Not trying to be mean but that is the reality of the situation as I see it.

 

Why now? I can't stand the thought of living without him.

 

Well I think all was fine while OM knew your hubby was there to take care of the everyday nonsense while he enjoyed rainbow and unicorn affair land with you.

Let's face it, he caught you hook, line and sinker. He's had you flipping and flopping like a big ol' brown trout in his net at the waters edge for ages but when it came time to land you on the shore he let you go as you were just sport to him.

 

A couple of things;

 

Who told you that he was divorced because his wife was adulterous? Are you even sure he has divorced and is not still with his wife?

I ask because every action he has taken points towards him being a seasoned player right down to dropping you like a hot coal as soon as you became available.

 

You may find, unbelievable as that may seem, that once the affair fades and you realise how you may have been played you start to realise what a good guy your husband actually is. How will you deal with that if it happens?

[Wade Lamare]

I can't stand the thought of living without him.

 

Also to add, I truly hope this is purely a rhetorical statement.

 

Please, if you do genuinely feel like harming yourself, seek medical advice or speak to friends or even talk to people on here.

[Mr Blunt]

By Ashlyn48

He said he never loved me, it was a rebound from his divorce (he had been divorced a year) and that I was in denial, he was going to block my number and I needed to move on.

How did he walk away from all of our plans so easily?

You betrayed your husband and the OM’s wife betrayed him and he betrayed his wife. Betrayal is one of the most damaging relationship killers of all time. He was deeply hurt by his wife’s betrayal, his own betrayal of his religion, and you are a betrayer so why are you so surprised at his statement above? People that are dishonest, sneaky, and not loyal are very hard to love and it is hard for them to love.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Eventually we all learn the universal truth.

 

Everyone looks out for numero uno.

 

 

sucks, but makes sense.

[Ashlyn48]

Does anyone have advice on how a future encounter should be handled? Given our commonalities I worry that I won't be able to maintain composure if/when we cross paths...

[alsudduth]

Does anyone have advice on how a future encounter should be handled? Given our commonalities I worry that I won't be able to maintain composure if/when we cross paths...

 

Should you still need to see him eventually for business purposes - my advice would be to make him believe you have moved on. Because, eventually, you will. You talk to yourself in the mirror of the work bathroom if you have to and tell yourself that things are great. Until it's true, create the illusion that you are way better off without him, and that him leaving you was the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Someday, you will realize that to be the truth.

 

Caution though, him seeing you "happier" without him, I would almost guarantee he will do a double take and try to reel you back in. PLEASE Don't let him. you WILL be better off without him. I promise you. When he realizes you won't reach for the carrot he will inevitably dangle, you can watch with gleeful pleasure the confusion and hit to his ego it will do. Stay Strong!!!! Read all the comments here over and over again if you have to that tell you the exact reasons this guy is a loser who never has and never will have YOUR best interest at heart.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Just ghost him. Really, we respond pretty well to that. And like you said, he's working on another conquest already anyway.

[sandylee1]

Everyone has really told you the truth already here. This very religious man divorced his wife for cheating and you've shown you are exactly the same as his wife. It's not hard to see why he didn't want any more of it.

 

What is cruel, was his lies about making a future with you. I have to wonder if he planned this from the beginning due to the benefit of your profession and the financial gain of a business with you.

 

He is quite simply a hypocritical bas***d, because he has shown his own immoral behaviour that he allegedly divorced his wife for.

 

As your marriage and your affair are both over, grieve them and move on. Find an honest man now that your marriage is done and build a relationship with a truthful foundation.

 

For your own sanity put on an act to him that he's nothing to you and you will be just great without him. Let him get the message that he's as disposable as he made you.

[loveisanaction]

I think your guy was in a relationship with this girl all along. Two days after you told him that you had divorced your husband he did a 360 degree turn-around. There’s no way he met, romanced and got himself into a relationship that short a time frame, plus you said he became cold. He knew from the very beginning that he was never going to pursue a future with you. I have to agree with the other posters who said that he was in this for professional purposes.

 

From reading these forums and a few others, It seems very common that a person (mostly male but some females too) will quickly end the affair with the affair partner once the affair partner becomes available. I’ll see situations where a woman will become divorced (such as in your case) and her affair partner will not want to commit to her once she becomes available to him for a real relationship.

 

Also very common is a married man who is having an affair with a single lady, married man will become divorced and instead making a commitment to his affair partner, will instead go out and find himself another single lady, marry her then go back to his affair partner and keep sleeping with her.

 

It’s the strangest thing…