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Any tips on letting go of hurt?


Survivedtothriving

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Survivedtothriving

Hello forum members! I want to share my story in an attempt to have some others share theirexperiences in infidelity. Thanks in advance for reading.

 

My wife and I have been together for over 9 years. We always had a great marriage, or so we thought. My best and only close friend (of two years) frequented my house a lot. My wife, he and I hung out about once a week or so. One night, my wife and I had entirely too much to drink and decided to ask him to join us in bed. He happily agreed after telling us he had done that type of thing many times in the past with no issues. Afterward, my wife and I talked about it. We had never done something like that and agreed that any type of sexual relationship outside of the other’s knowledge was cheating. (Yes, a threesome was a terrible idea. I don’t recommend it to anyone!!)

 

The next day, it started. He reached out to her to see how she was doing. He had never contacted her before. For the first few days, it was emails and texts. She ended up seeing him six times in person and had sex with him each time. Overall, it lasted a month.

 

Over the month that it was happening I knew something was off. I questioned my wife and never thought to check the phone log. Once I did check the phone log, she finally admitted that she was in love with him.

 

An hour after I found out, I came home from work and she was extremely emotional. She wanted to save our marriage and told me she was done with him. I got really drunk. She was calling and texting him, but she told me when she did. She stopped seeing him, but told me she still had really strong feelings for him. After two weeks, we were still together, but having a really hard time moving forward and she ended up meeting him in person again, though nothing but talking happened. She told him it was over as she realized sitting with him that she was not madly in love with him as she had thought. She realized at that point that she only had ever loved me, and the affair with him was some crazy fantasy.

 

After about a day, she started answering all of my questions. She showed me the emails and pictures that they had sent back and forth to each other. She told me he had mentioned marriage several times. He was ready to leave his wife, but my wife never really thought about leaving me. She thought about the possibility of it, but never thought about actually going through with it.

 

I decided to stay. It took me a few days to really consider it. I stayed because I love my wife and cannot imagine living my life without her. But I also knew that staying was going to be almost has hard as leaving. My wife and I share a very, very special relationship together. We always have. But, there were some things missing that we knew about and didn’t know about that caused this affair to happen.

 

We read about 100 blogs together and on our own. Blogs from regular people and blogs written by people with lots of titles and letters after their names. We read books. We went to therapy together a few times. We know the affair happened because I was drinking a lot. My problem with alcohol was that I wanted to act 21 again. I didn’t know when to stop drinking or that I was being obnoxious. My wife had some personal issues and he made her feel very, very special. I was lacking in that area. The threesome opened the door to her being intimate with him. I was working a lot. She is a stay at home mom that didn’t get out of the house much.

 

We are four months past the day I found out. She has had zero contact with him since the last time she saw him in person (3.5 months ago). Work had us move far away and we have new cell phone numbers. I quit drinking the day after she saw him last. I am at about 75 days alcohol free. I plan to stay that way. I don’t miss drinking at all. We are incredibly happy where we are today. We are happy to be together and we are happy to have our very special marriage back. I sometimes keep my pain to myself and sometimes I share it with her. She hates talking about the affair since it is embarrassing for her and it really makes her regret her actions. She will talk with me about itif I want. She will answer any normal or ridiculous question I have about the affair. She is an open book when it comes to the details. I trust her, mostly. I believe what she is saying, though sometimes I find myself questioning her in my head.

 

I think about the affair all of the time. I am not angry towards my wife. I forgave her just days after I found out, and I meant it. I understood the causal factors of the affair shortly after I found out. There is a lot of lingering pain for me. It hurts to know that she had a relationship with another man, and she told him the same things that she told me. She used terms with him like “soul mate”,“your mine”, “I love you”. In fact, in one email she even told him she loved him more than me. These memories are painful and will not goaway. The good news is that the memories are slowly fading and I am happy to be where I am at today.

 

Does anyone have any insight on how to make the memories not hurt as much?

Edited by Survivedtothriving
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I wish I could help, but I just can't get into your mindset. You invited another man to have sex with your wife, then you felt hurt that she continued the sexual relationship? I can't even imagine letting another man touch my wife, so it's hard for me to see how you're hurting. Can't you just acknowledge that her continued relationship with him sort of had your tacit approval after the first encounter? I realize that you'd both decided it was "cheating" at that point, but let's face it--you still participated in it and approved of it. Once she fully understood that you'd all crossed a line, she came back, which seems like a really positive thing. So I'd hope this would alleviate some of your hurt. As you've already learned, don't ever cross that line again.

Edited by WilyWill
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Survivedtothriving
I wish I could help, but I just can't get into your mindset. You invited another man to have sex with your wife, then you felt hurt that she continued the sexual relationship? I can't even imagine letting another man touch my wife, so it's hard for me to see how you're hurting. Can't you just acknowledge that her continued relationship with him sort of had your tacit approval after the first encounter? I realize that you'd both decided it was "cheating" at that point, but let's face it--you still participated in it and approved of it. Once she fully understood that you'd all crossed a line, she came back, which seems like a really positive thing. So I'd hope this would alleviate some of your hurt. As you've already learned, don't ever cross that line again.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but there are boundaries with threesomes. Our threesome wasn't an invitation, as you called it, for her to fall in love with him. We had discussed a threesome before that night. it wasn't exactly unplanned, we just didn't know it would be with him.

 

 

We wanted to explore sexually. I know other married people that have had threesomes. They work for some people.

 

 

And I did acknowledge that the threesome did open the door to the affair. It was in my first post. But, she didn't have to walk through the open door. She could have told me when he texted her the first time and that she had feelings for him. She still broke an agreement we made.

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ladydesigner

Have you tried counseling together? I would seriously recommend it. As far as having a threesome or open relationship, there are guidelines for those types of relationships too, a boundary is a boundary.;) No emotional attachments period!

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snip

Does anyone have any insight on how to make the memories not hurt as much?

 

Feel the feelings. Express the feelings.

 

Talk about them, if you have someone to talk to.

 

Write about how you feel.

 

Post here as often as you like.

 

Expressing how you feel is a big part of the healing process.

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

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Survivedtothriving
Have you tried counseling together? I would seriously recommend it. As far as having a threesome or open relationship, there are guidelines for those types of relationships too, a boundary is a boundary.;) No emotional attachments period!

 

Yes, we went to several sessions before we moved. I am in a remote location now, so we are still looking for services.

 

 

I came on here in hopes to have some group therapy of sorts.

 

 

Thanks!

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Survivedtothriving
snip

 

 

Feel the feelings. Express the feelings.

 

Talk about them, if you have someone to talk to.

 

Write about how you feel.

 

Post here as often as you like.

 

Expressing how you feel is a big part of the healing process.

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Funny, I was never into journaling before this, but I know have a pretty extensive one. I even wrote my wife a few letters/emails to try and express my feelings. It is amazing how much I wrote down in the past few months.

 

 

I feel great, but the memories randomly pop in my head, even the ones of my own mistakes. That's the part I am trying to move on from.

 

 

Thank you!

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ladydesigner
Hello forum members! I want to share my story in an attempt to have some others share theirexperiences in infidelity. Thanks in advance for reading.

 

My wife and I have been together for over 9 years. We always had a great marriage, or so we thought. My best and only close friend (of two years) frequented my house a lot. My wife, he and I hung out about once a week or so. One night, my wife and I had entirely too much to drink and decided to ask him to join us in bed. He happily agreed after telling us he had done that type of thing many times in the past with no issues. Afterward, my wife and I talked about it. We had never done something like that and agreed that any type of sexual relationship outside of the other’s knowledge was cheating. (Yes, a threesome was a terrible idea. I don’t recommend it to anyone!!)

 

The next day, it started. He reached out to her to see how she was doing. He had never contacted her before. For the first few days, it was emails and texts. She ended up seeing him six times in person and had sex with him each time. Overall, it lasted a month.

 

Over the month that it was happening I knew something was off. I questioned my wife and never thought to check the phone log. Once I did check the phone log, she finally admitted that she was in love with him.

 

An hour after I found out, I came home from work and she was extremely emotional. She wanted to save our marriage and told me she was done with him. I got really drunk. She was calling and texting him, but she told me when she did. She stopped seeing him, but told me she still had really strong feelings for him. After two weeks, we were still together, but having a really hard time moving forward and she ended up meeting him in person again, though nothing but talking happened. She told him it was over as she realized sitting with him that she was not madly in love with him as she had thought. She realized at that point that she only had ever loved me, and the affair with him was some crazy fantasy.

 

After about a day, she started answering all of my questions. She showed me the emails and pictures that they had sent back and forth to each other. She told me he had mentioned marriage several times. He was ready to leave his wife, but my wife never really thought about leaving me. She thought about the possibility of it, but never thought about actually going through with it.

 

I decided to stay. It took me a few days to really consider it. I stayed because I love my wife and cannot imagine living my life without her. But I also knew that staying was going to be almost has hard as leaving. My wife and I share a very, very special relationship together. We always have. But, there were some things missing that we knew about and didn’t know about that caused this affair to happen.

 

We read about 100 blogs together and on our own. Blogs from regular people and blogs written by people with lots of titles and letters after their names. We read books. We went to therapy together a few times. We know the affair happened because I was drinking a lot. My problem with alcohol was that I wanted to act 21 again. I didn’t know when to stop drinking or that I was being obnoxious. My wife had some personal issues and he made her feel very, very special. I was lacking in that area. The threesome opened the door to her being intimate with him. I was working a lot. She is a stay at home mom that didn’t get out of the house much.

 

We are four months past the day I found out. She has had zero contact with him since the last time she saw him in person (3.5 months ago). Work had us move far away and we have new cell phone numbers. I quit drinking the day after she saw him last. I am at about 75 days alcohol free. I plan to stay that way. I don’t miss drinking at all. We are incredibly happy where we are today. We are happy to be together and we are happy to have our very special marriage back. I sometimes keep my pain to myself and sometimes I share it with her. She hates talking about the affair since it is embarrassing for her and it really makes her regret her actions. She will talk with me about itif I want. She will answer any normal or ridiculous question I have about the affair. She is an open book when it comes to the details. I trust her, mostly. I believe what she is saying, though sometimes I find myself questioning her in my head.

 

I think about the affair all of the time. I am not angry towards my wife. I forgave her just days after I found out, and I meant it. I understood the causal factors of the affair shortly after I found out. There is a lot of lingering pain for me. It hurts to know that she had a relationship with another man, and she told him the same things that she told me. She used terms with him like “soul mate”,“your mine”, “I love you”. In fact, in one email she even told him she loved him more than me. These memories are painful and will not goaway. The good news is that the memories are slowly fading and I am happy to be where I am at today.

 

Does anyone have any insight on how to make the memories not hurt as much?

 

(((Survivedtothriving))) It takes approximately 2-5 years to heal from this kind of trauma with a remorseful spouse (and it sounds like your WW is one of those). You are only at the start of this rollercoaster so I would give yourself a break. Honestly I think the A memories will always hurt just not like the first punch we get on Dday.

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azlightsout
I got really drunk.

 

My advice to u is that u should QUIT drinking - One of the hardest and the best decision i ever made . Makes all the difference in the world . That liquor turn people into 'DEMONS' "

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Survivedtothriving
My advice to u is that u should QUIT drinking - One of the hardest and the best decision i ever made . Makes all the difference in the world . That liquor turn people into 'DEMONS' "

 

Sorry if it wasn't clear...I did quit. I mean quit! I don't have any desire to drink.

 

 

If I ever feel like I want to drink...I'll ask for help. Drinking almost destroyed me and my marriage.

 

 

Quitting drinking is probably one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

 

 

Now, learning how to be me without alcohol is a different story. It is a process!

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Survivedtothriving
(((Survivedtothriving))) It takes approximately 2-5 years to heal from this kind of trauma with a remorseful spouse (and it sounds like your WW is one of those). You are only at the start of this rollercoaster so I would give yourself a break. Honestly I think the A memories will always hurt just not like the first punch we get on Dday.

 

 

D Day sucked! No better way to say it.

 

 

My wife is remorseful. Our marriage is going to make it. We have way too many positives in our marriage to let one month of negatives destroy it. She is helping heal me and would do anything I ask her to help me.

 

 

But, I think you are correct. Time is the biggest factor.

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azlightsout

 

Now, learning how to be me without alcohol is a different story. It is a process!

 

I hear u - I still get urges but (i have made it this far )

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Survivedtothriving
I hear u - I still get urges but (i have made it this far )

 

How far along are you?? Good to hear you are holding strong!

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I very much wish I could tell you the worst is behind you and it will be clear sailing going forward. The problem is you have clearly not totally processed this. Those issues you have about the things she said both to you and him will chip away at your resolve to stay married.

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ladydesigner
I very much wish I could tell you the worst is behind you and it will be clear sailing going forward. The problem is you have clearly not totally processed this. Those issues you have about the things she said both to you and him will chip away at your resolve to stay married.

 

This is true, especially when you hit the anger stage. I am 4 years out from initial Dday and 2 years out from False R. I am basically over the A, not so much over WHO my WH has shown himself to be :mad:

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Survivedtothriving
I very much wish I could tell you the worst is behind you and it will be clear sailing going forward. The problem is you have clearly not totally processed this. Those issues you have about the things she said both to you and him will chip away at your resolve to stay married.

 

Hmmm...I do worry that thinking about the things she said to him all of the time will eventually wear me down. We don't use those terms much with each other now.

 

 

Again, talking to the therapist, reading blogs and reading others' stories was insightful on being the WS. In my wife's case, she was completely in a fog about what she thought was real. I don't believe she meant those things to him. And I say that from my heart, not from her telling me she didn't mean them. She was on a high while in the affair and wanted to say things to him because she thought it was real. But, in reality, one month isn't enough time to find out that someone is your soul mate. A month of "love" is really lust. It isn't real love. But, even thought I don't believe she meant those things, doesn't take away from her saying them to him. She took parts of our special marriage and love for each other and gave it to him. That is part of my hurt.

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What I'm talking about is his doesn't just go away. Right now she is saying what you want to hear. At some point she will crack and it will take you right back. At some point her assuring you, making you feel safe with her and in your marriage will become more difficult for her.

 

There will be obstacles... Right now only a few months out I'm sure you are in HB. Claiming what's yours. In a few more months you will be asking is if t worth the fight

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ladydesigner
Hmmm...I do worry that thinking about the things she said to him all of the time will eventually wear me down. We don't use those terms much with each other now.

 

 

Again, talking to the therapist, reading blogs and reading others' stories was insightful on being the WS. In my wife's case, she was completely in a fog about what she thought was real. I don't believe she meant those things to him. And I say that from my heart, not from her telling me she didn't mean them. She was on a high while in the affair and wanted to say things to him because she thought it was real. But, in reality, one month isn't enough time to find out that someone is your soul mate. A month of "love" is really lust. It isn't real love. But, even thought I don't believe she meant those things, doesn't take away from her saying them to him. She took parts of our special marriage and love for each other and gave it to him. That is part of my hurt.

 

:( unfortunately many WS's do mean what they say at the time as long as the two worlds do not collide (Affair and M).

 

Does your WW openly discuss the A with you or does she get defensive?

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Survivedtothriving
What I'm talking about is his doesn't just go away. Right now she is saying what you want to hear. At some point she will crack and it will take you right back. At some point her assuring you, making you feel safe with her and in your marriage will become more difficult for her.

 

There will be obstacles... Right now only a few months out I'm sure you are in HB. Claiming what's yours. In a few more months you will be asking is if t worth the fight

 

 

So, I will ask if she was worth the fight again? I did that about a week after I found out.

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Survivedtothriving
:( unfortunately many WS's do mean what they say at the time as long as the two worlds do not collide (Affair and M).

 

Does your WW openly discuss the A with you or does she get defensive?

 

I agree that she meant it at the time. I've read all of the emails and the texts that weren't deleted, there was several times before I found out that she said she hated what this was doing to our marriage and that she no longer wished to have a relationship with him. She was very conflicted. She mentioned me in the emails to him saying that I was the love of her life.

 

 

She doesn't get defensive. She'll answer anything I ask. I already asked her almost everything.

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Survivedtothriving

I should add something about him. After my wife met with him for the last time, he would not let go. Two weeks of him continuing with calling, emailing, texting, then his wife finding out, then physical threats, police involvement, court actions, etc, and then us moving.

 

 

Our friendship was based on a lot of his lies. We were very close and shared a lot of the same personality traits. But, what he told us was his past was all lies and we didn't find any of it out until after D Day. The thought of him makes wife look like she is going to vomit.

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So, I will ask if she was worth the fight again? I did that about a week after I found out.

 

They don't call it a roller coaster ride for nothing.

 

I'm trying to caution you, not discourage you. This is a loooong way from over, you have only hit the tip of the iceberg.

 

Here is the most likely thing....you don't know everything, and likely never will. But you will find out more. Example you say is started after the threesome, when in fact it started months prior to the threesome and you were in fact manipulated into it. I'm not saying that is the case, just giving an example. It's common place for the ws to minimize alot of things.

 

Basically, at some point you will stop making excuses for her, you will stop helping her justify what she did. That is when you will find out if it's worth fighting for.

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Survivedtothriving
They don't call it a roller coaster ride for nothing.

 

I'm trying to caution you, not discourage you. This is a loooong way from over, you have only hit the tip of the iceberg.

 

Here is the most likely thing....you don't know everything, and likely never will. But you will find out more. Example you say is started after the threesome, when in fact it started months prior to the threesome and you were in fact manipulated into it. I'm not saying that is the case, just giving an example. It's common place for the ws to minimize alot of things.

 

Basically, at some point you will stop making excuses for her, you will stop helping her justify what she did. That is when you will find out if it's worth fighting for.

 

 

I wasn't discouraged. I will keep it in mind though. That's why I joined these forums. Though, I also know what happens for someone else may not happen for me.

 

 

I don't mean to be making excuses for her, does it sound like I am??

 

 

Thanks for the advice!

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I wasn't discouraged. I will keep it in mind though. That's why I joined these forums. Though, I also know what happens for someone else may not happen for me.

 

 

I don't mean to be making excuses for her, does it sound like I am??

 

 

Thanks for the advice!

Yeah you are. It's normal. For a period I took on the blame for my ywife' affair. If I had done this or that.

 

I made excuses, many you are using. "She didn't mean this" "she was in a fog"

 

You have to understand how contradictory most of your writing is, for us it's a sign of confusion.

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