When will these emotions go away?!

[anm1114]

I've visited this site a few times to seek advice but everybody's story is different. Here's mine, hopefully someone can provide me with some helpful advice.

 

I am married to a wonderful man for 6 years, been together for 15. We have 2 young kids, under 11. I've been a stay at home for almost a decade and my family is everything to me.

My uncle runs his own business, he was looking for someone to run the office, he was giving me an opportunity to make some good money, so I could not turn it down. As I start working there, i'm getting to know everyone and its mostly guys. There's 1 guy in particular that everyone likes because he's a goof ball, plus he was pretty tight with my husband. The minute I seen this guy, it was instant attraction. I have a personality that is very outspoken and this guy is the exact same. We are good at feeding off each other with jokes and just being silly really...we just instantly clicked. I could talk to him as if I've known him for years but I couldn't do that with any other workers there cause I'm pretty shy and nervous with new people.

After working there for a few months, the feelings grew so much stronger for this guy and I really could never tell if they were mutual, ever. He's not married but been with the same woman for over 10 years and has kids. He also has a high respect for my husband. He was the only guy that would come in my office randomly and goof off, he would call my cell when he's off work, asking random crap about work that didn't make sense. He would show off in front of the guys big time when I was around, my husband even mentioned him acting weird when I would be in the room. I would catch him looking at me but turn real quick like it never happened. If I'm not in my office, I hear him go to my office, realize i'm not there and then come find me to just tell me something quick and not even important. He just made too much of an effort to talk to me. There was some looks here and there between us but I tried my hardest to never let him think I was interested in him, I was all about my husband, but i'm sure I failed at that a few times.

I did catch myself flirting with him, both of us would but nothing more, it was so mild, I guess you could call it.

I can NOT get this man out of my freaking mind. He ended up quitting about 5 months after I started working there and now it's been almost a year since then and he's still in my head. I think about him constantly, randomly. I deleted him out of my phone the day he quit and hoped this was it for me and him. My husband stayed friends with him for a little bit but it faded and they only speak every once and awhile through text.

He came over at one point to help my husband with something in the yard. I went out to say hey and chatted for a little but went back inside hoping he would leave soon! My husband left to get something at the store but the guy stayed to finish what they were doing to the yard. I get a text from him saying 'come outside', I didn't see it until 10 minutes later, when I go out there, I looked at him and said hey and then my husband pulls up..

I have NO idea what that was about.

He texts me every 2 months or so, just being so random! Saying old jokes we laughed at from before or make fun of a musician that I love but he hates, just to pick at me. I'm just shocked he still has my number, I don't have his saved but I know his number, unfortunately..

 

The reason why I am writing this is because I received a phone call from him today, it only lasted 2 minutes. He seen me driving past him, so he called, and he just started being goofy. He was just rambling, seemed as if he didn't know what to say, I didn't know WHAT to say. My heart was racing, stomach in knots, like ALWAYS when I'm around him. He also texted me last week by driving past him. When I got off the phone with him today, I just got so angry. I just want for him to just LEAVE me alone because I seem to get better and not think of him as much, but once he reaches out to me, it starts all over again!

 

I love my husband so much, its me and him until we die. I can't mess this up, especially with my 2 kids. But why do I feel this way towards another man? Was it because it was just an instant 'click'? We just bonded instantly? What the hell is this and why won't it go away?

 

I know that I should NOT text him back, maybe even block his number, but I just can't bare to do it. I feel a need and desire to talk to him and hope he calls me/texts me. After talking with him today, I want to text him something tomorrow even though I KNOW its wrong!!! The worst part of all of this is I am wanting to talk about this with someone so bad, get this all out in hopes it will help me but I have no one to talk to about this.

 

Will these feelings ever go away? I've cried so many times just from getting angry at myself for thinking about this other guy and having these feelings. It would crush me, literally crush me if I knew my husband was emotionally attached to another woman! I just want to get back to normal with my husband. Please tell me that these feelings will go away.........

[Friskyone4u]

Well, you are about to start on a slippery slope that is probably not going to end well for you.

 

The good thing is you have realized that before you have done any more damage.

 

No one here is going to be able to predict with certainty the future and tell you what to do.

 

my guess is you will get a lot of advice to cut this off right now. Whether or not you listen will determine your future.

 

I know you will not listen to this but telling your husband what you have written here will probably make sure you have a set of eyes on you to keep you out of creating a bigger mess. keeping him in the dark, and you are on your way to a double life.

 

your call.

[Buckeye2]

This is classic. My guess is that you’re around 40 and thought of yourself as a wife and mother. Then you’re in a new environment and a guy wants to get into your pants. You thought that part of your life was over and find his attention very flattering.

 

 

The excitement of a new romance only last two or three yearsat the most. That has long been over with your husband and has been replaced with more substantial love.

 

 

Do a search for a 20 minute video by Helen Fisher called “Why We Cheat Why We Love.”

[Dancewithme]

First know just because you are married, does not mean you won't be attracted to other men. That is a human response to proximity. Unfortunately, that's why so many affairs begin in the workplace.

 

But, just because the attraction is there, you don't have to act on it. Be smarter than your biology. Don't feed the attraction, starve it. Block that number, NOW! And every time he crosses your mind, or you feel like talking to him, call or text your husband instead. Or pull up romantic pic of you and your husband, or a family pic. You've got to actively try to get this man out of your mind, and put your husband there.

 

You've been a SAHM for 10 years. What kinds of things do you do for you, outside of your family. Something that validates you for you, not you as a Mom or wife. Do you have any girlfriends, or outside interests or hobbies outside of your family that you can use besides your husband and kids to help distract you from thoughts of this man?

 

I have been where you are. I had a very strong attraction to a man I used to work with. And was happily in love with my husband. Needless to say, it was very troubling, and confusing. I would blush whenever this man even looked at me, my heart would race when I was near him, the whole 9 yards. I would always find a way to be near him, work related, of course. He was very friendly and complementary of me, it would have been easy to let it go somewhere if I let on how I felt about him.

 

However, I wondered: why do I feel like this, when I am in love with my husband? And then I became determined to actively drill that man out of my thoughts. I did everything I recommended to you, short of counseling. And eventually, *poof*, attraction disappeared. It dawned on me one day that I hadn't thought about him for a while. And I thank God that I was strong enough, and determined enough to not let that attraction evolve into something I would regret later.

 

You are well aware that your behavior with this man is a slippery slope towards what you say you don't want to do. Maybe you need help to keep you from sliding down that slope. Maybe a visit to a clergy person or counselor would be warranted to help you get this man out of your head.

 

Your feelings for this man will fade. Just don't do anything stupid before they do.

( Not calling you stupid, just trying to make the point)

 

Good luck.

[BluesPower]

anm1114, Some people have already warned you but I have to chime in.

 

 

You have no idea how much damage you will do to your husband if you continue this emotional affair that is on its way to be a full blown physical affair. You have no Idea how much damage you will do to your self and your whole family.

 

 

Stop all contact with him right now, no matter how you feel. Delete numbers, block on phone, tell him to leave you alone. I know what infatuations feels like, It feels like you are in love, BUT IT IS NOT REAL.

 

 

You have already betrayed your husband's trust, but he will be able to deal with this part. He will not be able to deal with a full affair when/if you start sleeping with him.

 

 

Send the kids away with someone and tell him that you really need to talk about something important.

 

 

THEN TOTALLY CONFESS ALL OF THESE FEELINGS TO YOUR HUSBAND. TELL HIM EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE.

 

 

Please listen to what the other posters will tell you. I speak from experience on all of this. I have been cheated on and it destroyed me for years and years. I is a wonder I was not put in the loony bin.

 

 

Stop all of this and "see" it for what it is, fantasy. If you continue, you will get caught, it happens to everyone. You will ruin your life.

[understand50]

anm1114,

 

You need to know that this is normal. You are not a bad person. You are human. I been married to my wife for over 40 plus years, and have been faithful. I have had numerous "crushes". Thing is, I recognize them for what they are, just lust or a crush. The first "hot" part of love, is the unknown. The finding out and exploring of another. Many people think that is love and chase after it, again and again, and never find true love. True love is committing and staying faithful to the one you love and share a life, a history, and family with. Sure, part of my being, wants to bed every woman I see, and I am attracted to many, I do not act upon my baser urges. I recognize them for what they are. I know, that my love is for my wife. Friendship is what I can and will only offer to another.

 

You are overthinking this. Put this down for what you know it is, just a "crush" and with some sexual lust mixed in. You get over it, by lovemaking with your spouse, reminding yourself what you would lose if you gave in to your urges, and disciplining yourself. Talk to your husband, let him know what you are feeling. Any husband worth his salt will help you. Communication, can end all this. Let your "crush" know in no certain terms, that you are married, and are only available for your husband and only him. Believe me the rest will follow.

 

Look up Mrs John Adam here and read her threads. She is one person, that let a "crush" get out of hand, and she and her husband have been paying a price ever since. You can also look and read, the threads of other men and women who have been betrayed, and the pain and hurt they have. Remind yourself, no matter what others say, being unfaithful, just leads to a life time of regret and pain.

 

I wish you luck.........

[DKT3]

Good rule to live by, don't engage with people you are attracted to. To late for that. Secondly, never confess feelings for another person.

 

Take the steps, a short and to the point message "our communication is inappropriate, we are both in committed relationships and its disrespectful to our partners"

 

Simply put, you can't be friends, doing so will most likely end poorly.

[alsudduth]

I know it's hard, but dear you need to cut off all communication with this person and I agree, tell your husband.

 

I went down that slippery slope and fell face first into an affair. I got caught. Seeing how disappointed my husband was, and how much I hurt him is something I will NEVER get over. Even though we are working through it, I will regret allowing myself to get to that point until the day I die. My husband finding out was the only thing that woke me from the fog and the lies I was telling myself.

 

Tell your husband that you love him too much to not tell him that you are worried about this guy, and that you need his help to keep him out of your lives.

[alsudduth]

 

Simply put, you can't be friends, doing so will most likely end poorly.

 

This. you will be fooling yourself if you think you can "just be friends" attraction doesn't work that way.

[Mr. Lucky]

Take the steps, a short and to the point message "our communication is inappropriate, we are both in committed relationships and its disrespectful to our partners"

 

And then block his number and put it behind you. You'll find, without interaction, the attraction will fade...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Satu]

Yes, the feelings will go away.

 

If you do no contact, they will go away.

 

If you don't do no contact, they would probably still go away, but it will take longer and

be a rougher ride.

 

It's entirely up to you.

 

Make your choice.

 

 

Take care.

.

[anm1114]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for the advice. I really needed to see another persons point of view on this and this was very helpful. I love my husband so much and I'm so mad at myself for letting my emotions get out of control. I did not text him and don't plan to get into an even bigger mess. I need to work harder at this and give my husband what he deserves.

 

I know that if anything were to happen between me and this other guy would be detrimental, but I just can't comprehend why this emotion is so powerful!

 

Thanks again for the wonderful advice.

 

This is classic. My guess is that you’re around 40 and thought of yourself as a wife and mother. Then you’re in a new environment and a guy wants to get into your pants. You thought that part of your life was over and find his attention very flattering.

 

Way off, age is completely off and no one tried to get into each others pants.

[anm1114]

anm1114,

Look up Mrs John Adam here and read her threads. She is one person, that let a "crush" get out of hand, and she and her husband have been paying a price ever since.

 

Could you send me a link to 1 of her threads? I can't seem to find them. I'd like to read them and see other advice as well.

[standtall]

Ditto to what everyone else here has said. Stay away..you will destroy your family, self respect, and piece of mind. Block is friggin number and if he continues...be mean and tell your husband that he persists in contacting you..unless this guy has flirtatious texts from you, then don't say a word to the husband.

[understand50]

Could you send me a link to 1 of her threads? I can't seem to find them. I'd like to read them and see other advice as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/380722-mrs-john-adams/

 

Unfortunately, it looks like our older posts are gone.

 

But you can access them via her likes.

 

Regards

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am Mrs. John Adams. I married the only boy I ever dated at 17. I was a stay at home mom of 2 children....I loved my husband and my family. At age 28 I went back to college...and I had a professor that was single.

 

I relaxed my boundaries...because I knew I would never do anything wrong. But it did not take long for me to put myself first....to forget my vows...to forget how much i loved my husband and to risk everything that was my world.

 

I only met this man outside of school or outside of class one time....and that one time 33 years ago changed the lives of everyone i love.

 

My advice to you...is to run...run straight into the arms of the man who loves you...hold on tight...and never let him go. Look deeply into his eyes and his heart...remember the first time his hand brushed yours...remember the first kiss you shared...think about the moment he turned your knees into jelly...and made your stomach do flip flops. Think of the days your children were born...and the way he looked at you with love in his heart Never let go of all those moments that you knew he was the man of your dreams....that he was the man who held the moon and stars for you.

 

There are people that come into our lives that we find attractive...people that we a drawn to....people we think are funny and we like to be around.

 

Those things are normal and natural. It is when we become selfish and tell ourselves we deserve to feel good...But I will ask you this question...

 

At whose expense?

 

I can tell you that surviving infidelity is the hardest thing we have ever done...life would have been so much easier...had i just remembered...had I made myself remain accountable...

 

Sadly...I convinced myself that i deserved it...that my needs were more important than anyone else's.

 

It was a decision I have regretted for 33 years....I am 61 years old. I am a lucky one....because my husband forgave me and gave me a second chance that i did not deserve.

 

Not all husbands can forgive...not all families survive. This is a fact.

 

So I ask you honestly....is this friendship worth the pain...is it worth the sacrifice? Are you willing to risk EVERYTHING for a few moments of extra attention...a few moments of flattery....a few moments of feeling good?

 

If so...then answer that text.

 

If not...give up that job and tell your husband why...tell him that you choose him...and he is not worth any job or any friend.

 

Remove yourself from temptation....hold yourself accountable...and hold on tight to your family.

[anm1114]

 

Remove yourself from temptation....hold yourself accountable...and hold on tight to your family.

 

Thank you for the beautiful advice. I do need to re-live those moments where we first began. It's been tough at times but nothings easy.

I'm glad I posted here, everyone is very supportive and non-judgmental.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you for the beautiful advice. I do need to re-live those moments where we first began. It's been tough at times but nothings easy.

I'm glad I posted here, everyone is very supportive and non-judgmental.

 

We can control our own destiny....we can control our emotions...we can control our decisions.

 

To cheat...we allow ourselves to be fooled by emotions....we consciously give ourselves permission to decide to cheat...and we are responsible for the lives that will forever be changed.

 

Your spouse was everything you wanted....what changed? Him? Nope....what changed was the way you see him. You are allowing another mans charisma to change your perception of who you know your husband to be. You are giving yourself permission to do that.

 

The next step will be allowing yourself to move your boundaries. You know it would be wrong to text a man behind your husbands back.

 

But you will convince yourself...you deserve it...UNLESS you hold yourself accountable.

 

It is easier to keep accountability...when we include someone else. Telling your husband that you are removing yourself from the situation will help you to keep your promise.

 

Keeping the good memories alive in your mind will help you make the right choices.

 

I wish I had talked to someone...I wish I had tightened my boundaries instead of moving them...I wish I had continued to look at the man i married and remembered exactly why i loved him.

[understand50]

anm1114,

 

You now have the long and the short of it. From one who strayed and regrets it, and from those who were betrayed.

 

It is up to you.

 

This man, these emotions are nothing, compared to what you could give up. Make a plan, talk to your husband, take the actions you know you should. It will end all right, and in a short time you will see that you dodge a bullet.

 

I wish you luck......

[Satu]

Thank you for the beautiful advice. I do need to re-live those moments where we first began. It's been tough at times but nothings easy.

*I'm glad I posted here, everyone is very supportive and non-judgmental.

 

*I'm glad you posted, too.

 

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Make yourself at home.

 

 

Take care.

[ladydesigner]

We can control our own destiny....we can control our emotions...we can control our decisions.

 

To cheat...we allow ourselves to be fooled by emotions....we consciously give ourselves permission to decide to cheat...and we are responsible for the lives that will forever be changed.

 

Your spouse was everything you wanted....what changed? Him? Nope....what changed was the way you see him. You are allowing another mans charisma to change your perception of who you know your husband to be. You are giving yourself permission to do that.

 

The next step will be allowing yourself to move your boundaries. You know it would be wrong to text a man behind your husbands back.

 

But you will convince yourself...you deserve it...UNLESS you hold yourself accountable.

 

It is easier to keep accountability...when we include someone else. Telling your husband that you are removing yourself from the situation will help you to keep your promise.

 

Keeping the good memories alive in your mind will help you make the right choices.

 

I wish I had talked to someone...I wish I had tightened my boundaries instead of moving them...I wish I had continued to look at the man i married and remembered exactly why i loved him.

 

I wish I had found LS first!

 

(((anm1114))) these feelings will pass as long as you don't feed them. I too believe that most can find themselves in an A, if the situation is right (perfect storm) . It is a choice to be faithful, a choice to cross boundaries. I found myself in many positions since my own A where I could choose to cross that line again and I chose not to.

[Satu]

There's a saying I came across which I think is relevant:

 

 

"To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with."

 

 

Take care.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I wish I had found LS first!

 

(((anm1114))) these feelings will pass as long as you don't feed them. I too believe that most can find themselves in an A, if the situation is right (perfect storm) . It is a choice to be faithful, a choice to cross boundaries. I found myself in many positions since my own A where I could choose to cross that line again and I chose not to.

 

33 years ago...there was no internet...there was no loveshack...there were no cell phones.

 

While some people abuse those things and use them to cheat....they also provide easy access to help that i wish i had had.

 

I am glad the LS is here and available for those who are searching...I hope I can help just one...to not make the same choice i made....

[ladydesigner]

33 years ago...there was no internet...there was no loveshack...there were no cell phones.

 

While some people abuse those things and use them to cheat....they also provide easy access to help that i wish i had had.

 

I am glad the LS is here and available for those who are searching...I hope I can help just one...to not make the same choice i made....

 

Same here

[Mrs. John Adams]

Same here

 

I know you do sweetheart....i hear your heart every time you post.