dealing with ex?

[joyful]

hello, all.

 

i'm new here and have been reading a lot of threads about emotional affairs. i have been with my new boyfriend for 6 months. it is a very happy and loving relationship. i really see a future with this guy and dream of one day marrying him even.

 

the issue is that he remains friends with all of his exes. we have been struggling a bit lately over his latest ex, whom he insisted on meeting up for dinner to tell he was in a new relationship. they had been broken up for a year, but he felt the need to honor this agreement they had made when breaking up to tell each other when they moved on. right before he told her, she had been texting him often and even invited him to her place to watch July 4th fireworks. a week after they met for dinner, she continued to text him quite regularly and then called to ask if they could facetime. during this conversation, the ex disclosed that now all of a sudden she, too, is in a relationship and it is with someone who is their mutual friend.

 

am i being paranoid to feel like there is more going on here between my boyfriend and his ex? i worry that she has not fully moved on. i believe that my boyfriend is in love with me, as he says, but i still feel like the friendship with the ex is inappropriate. i don't want jealousy to ruin a really good relationship, but i don't want to be a doormat either. advice?

[livelaughlove789]

Hey! I definitely understand your concern as I've been in similar situations - on both sides. From the friend perspective, it hurts having someone cut you off because they don't want to offend the person they're with, but from a girlfriend's perspective, the feelings you're experiencing are perfectly normal. From my experience, it all boils down to trust - is this guy someone you can trust or not? Pretty much your options are to trust him and move on, or to confront him with an ultimatum. If this is something you're not willing to put up with, and he's not willing to change, then this may be a deal breaker. Accepting deal breakers can save you a lot of unnecessary stress - you could be with the most perfect person ever and yet there's that one thing you can't get over, and taking care of yourself and your mental/emotional health is more important that sacrificing your health for someone you care about. So you shouldn't drive yourself crazy.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like she very well might not have moved on if she's inviting just your boyfriend (and not you as well) over for this and that. If you trust your boyfriend and he says she's with someone else, I would give it a little while to see if things calm down with her or not. If they don't, then that's a situation that will drive her boyfriend, your boyfriend, and you crazy, so not the healthiest situation for you to be in. Take care of yourself. But, if things do calm down - then maybe you and your boyfriend can work things out.

[joyful]

From my experience, it all boils down to trust - is this guy someone you can trust or not? Pretty much your options are to trust him and move on, or to confront him with an ultimatum. If this is something you're not willing to put up with, and he's not willing to change, then this may be a deal breaker.

 

thanks for your excellent advice! i do trust my guy and trust that he wants the life with me that we are planning. i do not want to give an ultimatum because i do not want to introduce coercion into our dynamic. i don't typically keep exes around, so it is hard for me to relate to people who do.

 

thanks again!

[BuddyX]

Your BF keeps his ex's at arms length "just in case". I would tell him "Them or me".

So what if your BF ex has a partner. She told him that to gauge his reaction and make him jealous.

People ask me if I talk to my ex and my response is "There's no point in watering a dead flower".

If your BF comes back with "don't make me choose between my friends and you", pack your bags and walk.

[Rachelkey]

Well, I can tell you from my experience I would never allow it again. My guy kept a friendly relationship with an ex. She would just email once or twice a year to "check in". She tried friending me on Facebook but I didn't want her knowing anything about our business. She could never let go. Fast forward 16 years and when our relationship became rocky guess who came into the picture.

It's comfortable territory so how convenient it was always there lurking in the background. I never thought my guy would cheat either and here I am in the infidelity forum.

[joyful]

Well, I can tell you from my experience I would never allow it again. My guy kept a friendly relationship with an ex. She would just email once or twice a year to "check in". She tried friending me on Facebook but I didn't want her knowing anything about our business. She could never let go. Fast forward 16 years and when our relationship became rocky guess who came into the picture.

It's comfortable territory so how convenient it was always there lurking in the background. I never thought my guy would cheat either and here I am in the infidelity forum.

 

my boyfriend tells me that they are usually in touch every couple of months, when there are a brief flurry of calls or texts and one or two meetups. but their contact has been pretty regular throughout our 6 months together. that's what makes me uncomfortable.

[dichotomy]

Trust is difficult when Ex's are around. Its the most common source of cheating in my view - turning to ex's. Trust but verify is my motto when their in the picture. One key issue is if your S.O. is disclosing and being open about all communications and visits with their ex;s

 

However Trust also is based on a mutual understanding of what YOU would consider either a betrayal or a boundary in YOUR relationship with him. I have learned the hard way that while most people understand that having intercourse with another person is cheating - it becomes increasingly "grey" bellow that line. I was not having sex ! (oral or kissing) I was not cheating (but I was sharing emotions with them)

 

 

I think you need to think clearly what your boundaries are and what you consider cheating. I think it might be an interesting conversation with someone you love to ask "what would you consider cheating or betrayal by me to you?" Without specifically mentioned this last ex (or other ex's) you could layout what you consider "no go's". You state these are "if someone were to do X I would consider that disrespectful/hurtful/cheating and could not stay in the relationship" . That is a different way then saying "I dont want you talking to your ex!" or "I am insecure or worried when you do that"... a boundary is different and healthy way to state something without making demands.

[joyful]

I think you need to think clearly what your boundaries are and what you consider cheating. I think it might be an interesting conversation with someone you love to ask "what would you consider cheating or betrayal by me to you?" Without specifically mentioned this last ex (or other ex's) you could layout what you consider "no go's". You state these are "if someone were to do X I would consider that disrespectful/hurtful/cheating and could not stay in the relationship" . That is a different way then saying "I dont want you talking to your ex!" or "I am insecure or worried when you do that"... a boundary is different and healthy way to state something without making demands.

 

this is brilliant, dichotomy! thank you!

 

part of why i decided to join Loveshack and post this question is that i don't have rules about this kind of thing. i am torn because i trust my boyfriend. i love him. i admire him for his goodness and integrity as a person. but then he needs to have dinner with his ex to tell her he is in a new relationship? who does that? is that him being the sensitive, thoughtful guy i have come to love, or someone who is emotionally supplementing his new relationship with an old one? that is what i still haven't figured out!

 

i will plan to ask these questions, so that we can come up with some parameters in our relationship that feel right to both of us.

Edited July 26, 2016 by joyful

[lolablue17]

If you trust your boyfriend and he says she's with someone else, I would give it a little while to see if things calm down with her or not. If they don't, then that's a situation that will drive her boyfriend, your boyfriend, and you crazy, so not the healthiest situation for you to be in. Take care of yourself. But, if things do calm down - then maybe you and your boyfriend can work things out.

 

great advice!

 

The thing you must carefully test is "Is your Bf willing to change his behavior because of how you feel".

 

You think that it's not your right to ask him to totally cut all contact with her, some of it because you don't want to force him to lose friends, that because you love him and you want him to be happy.

 

Just the same, he should look after you, making sure you are happy, even he must change his actions for you. If he just making explanations why must her do the same without any compromise on his side, If he just shows "words words words" and excuses without decreasing his contact with her, I would see it as a red flag. Not because you're jealous, but because these are the kind of tests we use to get a better knowing, how much our loved ones, are truely committed to us.

[joyful]

great advice!

 

The thing you must carefully test is "Is your Bf willing to change his behavior because of how you feel".

 

You think that it's not your right to ask him to totally cut all contact with her, some of it because you don't want to force him to lose friends, that because you love him and you want him to be happy.

 

Just the same, he should look after you, making sure you are happy, even he must change his actions for you. If he just making explanations why must her do the same without any compromise on his side, If he just shows "words words words" and excuses without decreasing his contact with her, I would see it as a red flag. Not because you're jealous, but because these are the kind of tests we use to get a better knowing, how much our loved ones, are truely committed to us.

 

thanks, lolablue17! this is precisely what i have been trying to figure out. when my boyfriend and his ex were trying to arrange a time for dinner (so he could tell her about me!), i started to feel sick. i even had a nightmare about him cheating on me, which i told him about. he said he felt awful but still felt like he had to honor this agreement that they had made to be the one to tell the other when they got into a new relationship. he went through with dinner. she continues to text him, and now about two weeks later she is in a relationship with their mutual friend. my BF says he's happy for her...

 

in addition to having exes around, i am not sure what to make of someone who claims to love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me also being able to see me in such distress and still continue the behavior.

[kgcolonel]

J

 

When a former BF / GF is truly a "friend" and only a "friend", they are truly glad to see the former partner happy and in a meaningful relationship. That being said, your BF is likely seeing the R with the X as friendship however, she likely doesn't see it that way. One way to test this is to tell the BF 1. You'd like to meet this person, one who at one time meant so much to him.....see how he reacts and 2. if he thinks it's a good idea, have him suggest it to the X. See her reaction...I would suspect this potential meetup would tell you more about her feelings to him than anything else....if she accepts, go through with a date with her, him and you and see how the interaction plays out.

[lolablue17]

i am not sure what to make of someone who claims to love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me also being able to see me in such distress and still continue the behavior.

 

Spot on! The relationship dance should be choreographed together by both sides. How can I be with someone, notice that she's miserable, know that I have the key to make her happy, and still let her be miserable?

 

If you had tough demands with no compromises on your behalf, it's of course a different story. But I got the feeling that you don't forbid him, you just want him to see also you needs, and not looking through you.

[joyful]

J

 

When a former BF / GF is truly a "friend" and only a "friend", they are truly glad to see the former partner happy and in a meaningful relationship. That being said, your BF is likely seeing the R with the X as friendship however, she likely doesn't see it that way. One way to test this is to tell the BF 1. You'd like to meet this person, one who at one time meant so much to him.....see how he reacts and 2. if he thinks it's a good idea, have him suggest it to the X. See her reaction...I would suspect this potential meetup would tell you more about her feelings to him than anything else....if she accepts, go through with a date with her, him and you and see how the interaction plays out.

 

my boyfriend wants us all to be able to hang out. he and the ex have the same group of friends, and he wanted to be the one to tell her so that things will be less awkward when we are all in the same room.

[joyful]

Spot on! The relationship dance should be choreographed together by both sides. How can I be with someone, notice that she's miserable, know that I have the key to make her happy, and still let her be miserable?

 

If you had tough demands with no compromises on your behalf, it's of course a different story. But I got the feeling that you don't forbid him, you just want him to see also you needs, and not looking through you.

 

EXACTLY -- this is what i am struggling with. i'm not sure what to do...

[lolablue17]

EXACTLY -- this is what i am struggling with. i'm not sure what to do...

 

Well, if you're totally convinced that there must be a change, you should set (first, to yourself) some boundaries. You must spot what exactly disturbs you, and how exactly do you want things to change.

 

For example, if you think he contacts her too much, go and say that. say that you expect him to consider your feelings and expectations. You want him to reduce the amount of contact with her because it hurts you. If you see no changes after you've managed to define you wishes, than what can I say... He might not be the one for you.

 

BTW, if you ask my opinion, making a vow with your ex about meeting for dinner to tell each other when you're in a new relationship, is pure stupidity, and I would break up with him for that only!

[joyful]

Well, if you're totally convinced that there must be a change, you should set (first, to yourself) some boundaries. You must spot what exactly disturbs you, and how exactly do you want things to change.

 

For example, if you think he contacts her too much, go and say that. say that you expect him to consider your feelings and expectations. You want him to reduce the amount of contact with her because it hurts you. If you see no changes after you've managed to define you wishes, than what can I say... He might not be the one for you.

 

BTW, if you ask my opinion, making a vow with your ex about meeting for dinner to tell each other when you're in a new relationship, is pure stupidity, and I would break up with him for that only!

 

thanks so much, Lolablue17! my BF is pretty honest and so would tell me every single time he heard from his ex and what she said. what i will ask for now, while i decide what i am comfortable with ultimately, is for reduced contact -- specifically for some months of NO contact -- between them. i know that they are friends and share friends in common, but they don't need to text, email, phone, and facetime. now that they are both in relationships with others, they need to leave the other alone!

 

i agree that it was a ridiculous vow to make! people say all kinds of things when they break up. i still can't believe my BF felt the need to follow through...

 

i feel like i am learning more about boundaries and the way to know if a person is right for me, even though this lesson feels a bit painful.