Purply Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 If your spouse has been having an EA and PA with their best friend for a long time (say 5 years, daily contact), would you want to know? What would be your likelihood of reconciling with them, especially if this had not been their only affair? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Yes I would want to know! Yes I would divorce AND dump my best friend. That level of betrayal & contempt is unlivable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Why would you want to know what we would want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Purply Posted July 24, 2016 Author Share Posted July 24, 2016 Because I have suspicions (no proof yet) but I'm not sure I want to know. I know each person has to make their own decision but it helps me to know what others would do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 IMO unless yon need the full truth to make the correct determination of the course you want to take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I would want to know everything, so that I could make an informed decision about the possibility of reconciliation and eventual forgiveness. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 Q If your spouse has been having an EA and PA with their best friend for a long time (say 5 years, daily contact), would you want to know? A. Yes. Q What would be your likelihood of reconciling with them, especially if this had not been their only affair? About as likely as me playing Tchaikovsky's violin concerto wearing boxing gloves 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 24, 2016 Share Posted July 24, 2016 I would want to know everything, so that I could make an informed decision about the possibility of reconciliation and eventual forgiveness. Agreed. But I would also add that it's also damn difficult to make a decision about divorce if you don't know everything. While I tried to reconcile/forgive, it took six months of sleuthing my way thru partial confessions before I was finally convinced that divorce was the only remaining option. It's not easy to forgive and it's not easy to divorce. I don't know how you make a confident decision (about such a life altering choice) from a point of ignorance about what really happened. I NEEDED the truth one way or another. What I got was a lot of lies, which is what really ended up being the dealbreaker. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 If your spouse has been having an EA and PA with their best friend for a long time (say 5 years, daily contact), would you want to know? absolutely. What would be your likelihood of reconciling with them, especially if this had not been their only affair? hmmmm... it really depends on the situation - can we agree on divorce, are there kids, am i financially able to be on my own...? if i'm able to raise the kids in the best way and coparent + financially on my own - then i'm getting the hell outa there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Yes. Hire a PI Link to post Share on other sites
Bl3ss3dherz Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 If your spouse has been having an EA and PA with their best friend for a long time (say 5 years, daily contact), would you want to know? What would be your likelihood of reconciling with them, especially if this had not been their only affair? Yes, I would want to know. I've had suspicions about my husband and an old friend from our high school who (I believe) lives in our neighborhood. I'm also pretty certain he was intimate with someone we were trying to help through a difficult time in her life. The problem is that other than a few weird things happening and some cryptic comments from family members that's all they are... suspicions. When the possibility was discovered three years ago I severed ties with the friend I had called "sister" and given a home... I cried every day for nine months and became so depressed and despondent that I cut off all ties from friends and most family members. Slowly got better but this gut feeling has never gone away and we have argued over it. Let's just say I'm much better now and registering for college classes tomorrow. My children have been watching this unfold for 3 years. We try to keep it from them as best we can but they are all either teens or early 20s and it's hard to hide 9 months of tears and 3 years of tension and confusion. I've been praying for guidance or to hear confessions because my soul is weary. I'm here for good... for better or for worse. I think I'd stay... my family is very spiritual and I was raised in church. My father is a pastor and on the day he performed our ceremony we took vows and I will honor them. It's confusing because my husband mostly acts very loving and has always been a good man and father. He categorically denies everything even though there are some pretty strong reasons to be suspicious. Unfortunately one such event was witnessed by our daughter... the day before her birthday. There is someone... a dear dear friend of ours who I think might know something. If she does it's my prayer that she might confide in me someday. More than anything it would give me insight to make my Spirit calmer as I try and build a firmer foundation out of my already unconditional love for him and my family. So, yes, I would want to know. It would be an answer to prayer and an ease on the pain in my soul. Sorry for so long an answer... something was telling me I needed to share this here. It's also the first time I've written this out... maybe it will help. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Yes I would want to know. I would file for divorce that day. No way in hell I'd be reconciling with someone who had ANY kind of affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 What happens if you do nothing? Do they get to continue the affair (IF there is an affair) with no consequences? Do they get to continue hurting you and your family? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bl3ss3dherz Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) Although I personally don't think it has to be a "do nothing" scenario if a BS chooses to stay you raise a good point. In my case, I'd just like to have the option to hear his truth and figure out what to do. But, I don't know anything for certian. The knowledge is what I'd seek first. Edited July 25, 2016 by Bl3ss3dherz Too much personal info. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 The only people I can imagine (and I have) that would not want to know are ones that really don't deeply love their spouse. They are fine or even happy enough with status quo and the marriage or family life provides them with what they want. If its been going on for 5 years - seems its a cake eating or FWB arrangement for both WS and AP. I have read about situations where the wife kind of knows, but as long as it is not affecting her life and its kept in the background it matters not to them. Me - I would want to know so I could make a decision, but that decision might not be a simple as divorce or expose affair reconciliation at this point. I might simply make adjustments and continue on in another way. Up to the suspicious spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Although I personally don't think it has to be a "do nothing" scenario if a BS chooses to stay you raise a good point. In my case, I'd just like to have the option to hear his truth and figure out what to do. But, I don't know anything for certian. The knowledge is what I'd seek first. If he is having an affair..how in the world could you believe anything he said? What constitutes 'his truth'? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Yes, I would want to know. I've had suspicions about my husband and an old friend from our high school who (I believe) lives in our neighborhood. I'm also pretty certain he was intimate with someone we were trying to help through a difficult time in her life. The problem is that other than a few weird things happening and some cryptic comments from family members that's all they are... suspicions. When the possibility was discovered three years ago I severed ties with the friend I had called "sister" and given a home... I cried every day for nine months and became so depressed and despondent that I cut off all ties from friends and most family members. Slowly got better but this gut feeling has never gone away and we have argued over it. Let's just say I'm much better now and registering for college classes tomorrow. My children have been watching this unfold for 3 years. We try to keep it from them as best we can but they are all either teens or early 20s and it's hard to hide 9 months of tears and 3 years of tension and confusion. I've been praying for guidance or to hear confessions because my soul is weary. I'm here for good... for better or for worse. I think I'd stay... my family is very spiritual and I was raised in church. My father is a pastor and on the day he performed our ceremony we took vows and I will honor them. It's confusing because my husband mostly acts very loving and has always been a good man and father. He categorically denies everything even though there are some pretty strong reasons to be suspicious. Unfortunately one such event was witnessed by our daughter... the day before her birthday. There is someone... a dear dear friend of ours who I think might know something. If she does it's my prayer that she might confide in me someday. More than anything it would give me insight to make my Spirit calmer as I try and build a firmer foundation out of my already unconditional love for him and my family. So, yes, I would want to know. It would be an answer to prayer and an ease on the pain in my soul. Sorry for so long an answer... something was telling me I needed to share this here. It's also the first time I've written this out... maybe it will help. If your religious upbringing is bible-based, isn't this the one offense where divorce is accepted? I think that speaks volumes. There's a reason that you're directed to accept everything and anything except infidelity. At that point, the deal is off. My advice...don't let religion be the reason you stay because your religion isn't asking that of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Purply Posted July 25, 2016 Author Share Posted July 25, 2016 Thanks everyone. Assuming you know your spouse would never voluntarily tell you him/herself, would you be glad if your SO's AP came forward and outed the affair? In my case, I think that's more likely to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Why is it not an option for YOU to confront either of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Purply Posted July 25, 2016 Author Share Posted July 25, 2016 Well I know for a fact H will deny. She might tell me but it's uncertain. I'm just looking at all sides before I do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 What is making you suspect? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 If your spouse has been having an EA and PA with their best friend for a long time (say 5 years, daily contact), would you want to know? Wouldn't the alternative to you knowing be having them continue the affair behind your back ??? I'd guess the vast majority of people would want to know. What they'd do with the knowledge is another subject entirely... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 I would want to know. I would divorce asap. I could never reconcile from an affair. No chance Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 Thanks everyone. Assuming you know your spouse would never voluntarily tell you him/herself, would you be glad if your SO's AP came forward and outed the affair? In my case, I think that's more likely to happen. I'm not sure that "glad" is the right term but I'd rather hear the news from anyone than to just continue to unknowingly live my life partnered with someone that is actively betraying me and lying straight to my face. I'd rather have no partner than to have that partner. And I'd take the info from whomever delivered it. It wouldn't necessarily endear me to the OM but even then it depends on the circumstances. A voluntary confession out of guilt would be well received. A "confession" in hopes that I'd leave my cheating wife, not so much. But in either case, I'd rather to have the info than not. Why would you choose not to know? Fear? Of what? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 25, 2016 Share Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) This is not really about them, knowing or not knowing. This is about you. Look in your mirror. Do you deserve dirt to be thrown in your face? Do you deserve to be lied to, disrespected and made a fool of? Why would you even have to ask those questions? At some time you have to look in the mirror and say, Hell no, I dont think so!! Do not live in fear. Be second choice to no one. Dig, and if the rabbit hole is deep, dont jump in it with them. No thank you, maam, there is the door. Rollin in the deep Edited July 25, 2016 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
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