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Wayward Spouses. What is my WH thinking?


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I really need an insight into what my WH could be feeling.....

 

WH has had a brief affair, started as emotional in Feb, I found out in Apr, he went to stay at a friends for space and said he wouldn't be in touch with OW. He kept visiting me and kids midweek and for full weekends. Found out in June affair had progressed physically and that they loved each other, we separated on the Fri and on the Tues found out he'd gone away for a weekend with her, blazing argument over the phone, very sorry etc. He came back on the Weds full of remorse and guilt. OW went home to her BH and told him everything and that she wanted to be with my WH, my WH deleted and blocked her contact and says he's had NC since. I have to believe this. He's still staying at his friends. OW lives over 3 hours away and I know he's not traveled out of the area.

 

I need your thoughts on the following. He's said ideally he'd like us to be a couple and family again. In the last 4 weeks he's improved week on week from looking depressed to acting more 'normal' however he seems unable to commit to full reconciliation despite saying what he ideally wants. He spends time here midweek and full weekends here. It appears that he's trying to work out whether he wants to reconcile, he says he loves me, but he doesn't want to force things and he's enjoying where we're at at the moment. We have been having sex but he then said he didn't want our new relationship to be about sex. When we did have it, he wasn't as interested in penetrative sex, nor full sex inside me, nor kissing, just pecks, no passion. Ive since said nicely that for now we need to stop all intimacy as he doesn't seem to be able to cope emotionally and it's messing with my head. I suggested going away for a weekend to bring us closer together but he said he's not ready for that just yet.

 

i really need some sensible insight from other WS as to why he's so emotionally detached and why he can't see his way to reconcile at the moment, surely if he wanted to he would. It's incredibly confusing for me. In fact I've tried to end it a couple of times and he talks me round by saying he loves me, there's something there and not to force the issue. Please please help me

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Lady Hamilton

Honestly, I think he wants to go with the OW, but guilt is making it hard to pull the trigger on seperation/divorce.

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Yes she is right. I don't know age of you or kids, it may make a difference, my advice is to file for divorce and start a new life.

 

 

 

 

It may make him rethink his feelings, if you care, but you are the one that has been betrayed what do you want?

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I'm 41, we have 2 daughters aged 13 and 11, OW is the same family wise.

 

Don't forget though, he has already walked away and he came back. She told her BH that she'd had an affair and wanted to be with my WH. Why wouldn't he just have stayed with her when he knew she was going to do that if that's what he wanted?

 

I've taken back a bit of control this morning. The pair of us are sick of talking about things, not that we do it loads, but it gets briefly discussed every weekend. I'm fine when he's not around so I've suggested we give each other some space and if he wants to visit the kids, I'll go out and if he actually wants my company, he'll take me out or something, if I'm free. I'm going to try and detach myself a bit and see what happens.

 

I could still do with some more thoughts on his thinking if at all possible

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LippyLiz,

I am going to be blunt here - who gives a flying **** what he thinks?

 

What's most important is what you think/want.

 

If he really wants this to work, then he has to do the heavy lifting.

 

he seems unable to commit to full reconciliation despite saying what he ideally wants. He spends time here midweek and full weekends here.

 

So he wants to keep both irons in the fire/cake eating or whatever else you want to call it until he's ready to make a decision? And you're happy with that? Please get some self respect, you deserve better than this half-a$$ed guy you call a husband.

 

Sweetie, you need to get tough here.

 

Until he is ready to 100% commit to you again, there's no more cosy nights with you and he need to convince you that he's really committed by cutting all contact with OW and agreeing to go to counselling to see what his issues are - ie why he cheated.

 

If he's not fully on board then you need to cut him loose - I'm sorry x

 

PS BTW I'm a BS, so my response is because of my own experiences. IMO as long as you allow someone to have their cake and eat it they will continue to do so.

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Thank you arieswoman. I've posted above but not sure if you'll have seen it. I've decided that we need space and now that that's out of the way, I feel like i can make progress without him constantly coming to the door every other day. In this time I will become stronger and it is now for him to do the running if and when he comes to his senses and if I still want him at that time. I'm booking a holiday today with the children (for in about 3 weeks) and I can't wait. If I detach myself like this then hopefully I'll be fine if things don't work out. Asking for space is the biggest positive step I've taken thus far x

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Lady Hamilton
Don't forget though, he has already walked away and he came back. She told her BH that she'd had an affair and wanted to be with my WH. Why wouldn't he just have stayed with her when he knew she was going to do that if that's what he wanted?

 

He didn't come back... He moved out 7 months ago, the affair progressed, they went away on vacation, and after you had a "blazing argument" with him, he said he was sorry... But didn't move back in, is only seeing you and the kids midweek and on weekends, and is "unable to commit to full reconciliation."

 

Coming back is he moves back in, works on the relationship, and you guys make plans to how you'll get back into a livable space. Coming back isn't "I dumped her, I promise" and coming in for marital visitation twice a week.

 

Another big hint about something being amiss is that he doesn't want to have sex, and when he does, he's detached. A guy doesn't go from having two ladies to choose from sexually to not having any sex at all, by choice, and then saying he likes how the relationship is now.

 

I suspect he was all well and good going with the OW until you called him up after he left you and went on a vacation with her and chewed him out... Now he feels momentary guilt and is easing himself (and you) into him leaving. I think he sees you midweek and weekends and is with her full-time the rest of the time.

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Lois_Griffin

One doesn't need to be a cheater (WS) to interpret his behavior. He's classic and transparent as glass.

 

The moment a cheater says he 'needs space' from their marriage, that's really nothing more than their way of getting out from under your watchful eye so they can spend more time with their affair partner and see where it takes them. In essence, it's a 'get out of jail free' card.

 

And that's EXACTLY what he did when he fed you that line that he 'needed space' - he used that opportunity away from home to ramp things up with his OW while coming over to your place to 'visit' and acting like the devoted, happy husband and family guy.

 

Unfortunately, you're Plan B. In case his affair blows up in his face. That's why he continues to lie to your face and deceive you on a daily basis by coming over and pretending he's invested in fixing what he broke - because he wants to keep his foot in the door and keep you as an option. Cheaters are the most selfish creatures on this planet, and it's ALL about what they stand to gain.

He came back on the Weds full of remorse and guilt.
This guy wouldn't know what guilt and remorse are if you shoved them down his throat. What he did was go away for the weekend and enjoy himself and when his weekend with her was over, he came crawling back with big crocodile tears running down his cheeks, and telling you 'sorry' he was - but he sure didn't cut his weekend with her EARLY and leave because he felt so 'bad,' did he?

 

No, he didn't. :(

 

He stayed the entire weekend, enjoyed himself and THEN came home and put on the 'remorse' face after he'd had his fun.

 

Sadly, the biggest mistake you keep making is doing the 'pick me!'' dance. He's continually disrespected you to the core for MONTHS while he's screwed around with her and lied to you over and over and over. He deserted YOU and he deserted his CHILDREN so he could live somewhere else and conduct his affair. And while he's been doing this, you've been begging him to pick you, the entire time. There just no dignity in that. But more so, it sends the message that he can completely disrespect you, lie to you, cheat on you, desert you and your children and you'll STILL forgive him and take him back with open arms.

 

Honestly, that's a horrible message to send. It tells him he can do whatever he wants and you'll still be there waiting for him, ready to forgive him. Sadly, it tells him you don't respect yourself enough to know you deserve better.

 

The fact that he's completely incapable of being intimate with you is pretty indicative of the fact that he's completely emotionally disengaged from you as a romantic partner. He's struggling with his feelings as far as you being his 'family' and feeling an incredibly strong tie and bond in a familial sense, but he's not feeling it in a romantic sense. He's trying to force something he's just not feeling.

 

That's what leads me to believe he's still involved with his OW even though he claims he's not. Or, maybe he did fall in love with her and he no longer has those feelings for you and is trying to get them back butt simply can't.

 

I'd be curious to know who told you the OW went home and admitted everything to her husband. Did that come from your husband? I can guarantee you if it came from HIS mouth then it's probably a lie. Unless you spoke in person with the OWs husband and HE told you that himself, then you really can't believe this story. Your husband told you this for one of two reasons - #1 so you wouldn't call the OWs husband and tell him about their sleazy little affair. After all, if he can get you to believe her husband already knows about the affair, then you won't be bothered to call him and tell him - right?

 

Or, #2 - he told you this fairy tale so you'd believe his affair is over. Which it probably is NOT. But life sure would be a lot easier for him to have you believe that he's no longer involved with his OW. Yup, life would be a lot more peaceful for him. And after all, in his mind, what's a little MORE deceit between a husband and wife at this point when he's been lying to oyou for months, right? Except he's having a hard time faking it in the bedroom. THERE, he can't put on his little performance as easily as he can outside the bedroom.

 

Don't believe his words. Believe his actions.

 

And his actions are SCREAMING to you that he's not invested romantically in you. And that's either because he's still involved with her (which is very, VERY likely) or he's still carrying a torch for her and just can't fake it with you.

 

In either event Lippy, I say this with all kindness. Show yourself the respect you DESERVE. As a woman, as a wife, as a human being. You've really been short-changing yourself.

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Lois

 

Sorry don't know how to quote. You are right, he did leave me for space and continually ripped my heart out. I feel as though I've had a bit of a character assassination really but never mind.

 

After he knew I knew for sure where he was, he did come home from his time away early, just a day but that when I found out.

 

I know she told her BH because we're in contact and he told me so.

 

He isn't seeing her because she lives over 3 hours away and he only ever saw her when he was working at the local office near where she lives. He hasn't been there since. He's allowed me access to his Find my IPhone password so I can see where he is at any given time. I don't, but I could if I wanted to.

 

It's all terribly confusing for me but I have made steps today by saying I'd like a break from seeing him, so that means no stopping over and although he won't realise it cos he's numb, he is being left to make any effort whilst I'm going to attempt the 180 thing I've read about.

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Married1988

Recently I found out my husband of 28 years had an affair with a 29 year old. If at any time he said he wanted to be with her or if he didn't decide to end no contact at that moment, I'd file for divorce.If at any time now that we are 3 weeks from discovery, he said he needed time to think I'd file for divorce.

 

He betrayed you, so if anyone should have the right to "think" about what they want it is you. Don't give him power that he doesn't deserve. He threw the vows you two gave to one another and stomped all over it. He is continuing to spit on them. Over and over again and you are allowing it.

 

You can grieve the marriage, you can love him and want him all you want. But if he isn't giving you something to hold on too, or some kind of respect after all the **** he had put you through then pull the plug.

 

I have two adult daughters, and as their mother I'm showing them that as woman not to be walked all over. I love my husband, their father but I refuse to allow him to dictate how things are going to go. He stepped out of the marriage I didn't.

 

If you want him back, then make it so he truly wants too. File for divorce (can be stopped at any time), get exclusive use of the house and temporary custody of the kids. Make him either realize that things aren't as rosy as he thinks they are on the other side or it could just reinforce that you two are just finished.

 

If it at any point, my husband decided to control how my healing went and didn't respect my boundaries, I'd file for divorce so fast his head would spin. But since he is respecting my space, doing everything I have asked from such as move out of our home, I haven't made a decision yet.

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Lady Hamilton

He isn't going to see her, but I suspect that's because she has come to see him. Hea volunteering to share stuff he doesn't mind you seeing, not because he has nothing to hide, but because he knows there's nothing to catch there.

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He is apparently still in love with OW. He does not want to give you more than a peck ... Why try force someone to desire you and love you. You deserve more.

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Sorry, but I think he is still too wrapped up in her to have sex with you.

He may actually resent you for making him choose between his family and her, he may resent you for not being her.

He may also feel he is betraying her by having sex with you.

Few will get over "love" in 4 weeks, I guess he is still pretty cut up.

 

Also, why are you so sure he is not seeing her? YOU are not even checking his iphone location and even if you did, he may be leaving that phone at home and using another one.

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I suppose it wasn't strictly true when I say I don't check his location, I do if I was suspect of an evening. He hasn't seen her, I know for sure. I'm also in contact with her BH. He doesn't get back from work till 5.30 and he's up at 5.30 the next day. I can honestly say he hasn't seen her. He puts his sad lonely evening meal in the credit card and it appears instantly.

 

I was thinking he is probably still 'in love' with her and that's why he's emotionally detached. Well, like I've said, I've said we need a break from seeing each other so I'm hoping I get that as I've not had more than 2-3 days without seeing him in the last 4-5 months this has been going on and I always come out of the weekends especially, feeling dissatisfied etc etc

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Gotta tell you, the worst thing for him, is to see you strong, looking good and closing the door on your way out. Do yourself, now.

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.

The fact that he's completely incapable of being intimate with you is pretty indicative of the fact that he's completely emotionally disengaged from you as a romantic partner. He's struggling with his feelings as far as you being his 'family' and feeling an incredibly strong tie and bond in a familial sense, but he's not feeling it in a romantic sense. He's trying to force something he's just not feeling.

 

That's what leads me to believe he's still involved with his OW even though he claims he's not. Or, maybe he did fall in love with her and he no longer has those feelings for you and is trying to get them back butt simply can't.

I'd be curious to know who told you the OW went home and admitted everything to her husband. Did that come from your husband? I can guarantee you if it came from HIS mouth then it's probably a lie. Unless you spoke in person with the OWs husband and HE told you that himself, then you really can't believe this story. Your husband told you this for one of two reasons - #1 so you wouldn't call the OWs husband and tell him about their sleazy little affair. After all, if he can get you to believe her husband already knows about the affair, then you won't be bothered to call him and tell him - right?

 

Or, #2 - he told you this fairy tale so you'd believe his affair is over. Which it probably is NOT. But life sure would be a lot easier for him to have you believe that he's no longer involved with his OW. Yup, life would be a lot more peaceful for him. And after all, in his mind, what's a little MORE deceit between a husband and wife at this point when he's been lying to oyou for months, right? Except he's having a hard time faking it in the bedroom. THERE, he can't put on his little performance as easily as he can outside the bedroom.

 

Don't believe his words. Believe his actions.

 

And his actions are SCREAMING to you that he's not invested romantically in you. And that's either because he's still involved with her (which is very, VERY likely) or he's still carrying a torch for her and just can't fake it with you.

 

In either event Lippy, I say this with all kindness. Show yourself the respect you DESERVE. As a woman, as a wife, as a human being. You've really been short-changing yourself.

 

You don't deserve this. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Speaking as a WS, it is difficult to get over the AP even when your intentions are to reconcile with your BS. If he did love her, maybe he doesn't want you to see him upset over her. Maybe he can't deal with any questions or backlash at the moment as he is getting past his feelings for the OW so he can reinvest himself in the marriage. Or maybe he really isn't sure that he wants to stay and is figuring it out. This may be selfish but if you do want your marriage to continue, despite the affair, maybe breathing space is a good idea until the dust settles. Just don't let your guard down. I think he also needs to be honest with you about why he feels he can't move back in.

 

I think the fact that you're going away on vacation (and excited about it) is great. Keep enjoying your kids but make the decisions that are best for you.

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Don't forget though, he has already walked away and he came back. She told her BH that she'd had an affair and wanted to be with my WH. Why wouldn't he just have stayed with her when he knew she was going to do that if that's what he wanted?

 

people are creature of habits, they prefer the known more than unknown even if they it is not healthy: think physical abusive relationships or alcoholics.

 

you are finding threads of hope, which is what we all do. he is already on her side but see threads as well. but those threads are too few and too weak to bind.

 

i urge you to go to MC (without him if necessary). it will NOT save the M. but it will accelerate your realization of what is going on: my W announced on Friday she was done, the next afternoon she asked what we wanted to do that night --- wait i thought we were 'done', we went out with other couples and had a good time. at our next MC i stated same. MC asked what we have done the last 20 years of Saturdays. MC said she did it by reflex... then W agreed: we went as 'friends'.

 

stop looking for threads and start doing the 180. the sooner you will do this the sooner you start the healing process.

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I'm a WS & BS, I'm all for true reconciliation but IMO there are limits. He moves out 7 months ago, he took it to another level by going on a couples trip. I don't know your financial situation but that tends to become a huge reality when a man is facing loosing his money.

 

He keeps coming back bc you're allowing it, if my spouse knows I'm cheating, I left, living like I'm single & I can come back & have sex with her if I wanted, why wouldn't I but even with that he's distant. It's good you've told him you need a break but him doing all he's done & knowing deep down you'd take him back, is just enabling him to get away with everything. You're only going to see if he really means anything he says by being tough &'letting him know you are willing to move on & not look back. Not saying it's easy but it's the only way to know where he's really coming from, right now he's got options...don't be an option.

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You don't deserve this. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. Speaking as a WS, it is difficult to get over the AP even when your intentions are to reconcile with your BS. If he did love her, maybe he doesn't want you to see him upset over her. Maybe he can't deal with any questions or backlash at the moment as he is getting past his feelings for the OW so he can reinvest himself in the marriage. Or maybe he really isn't sure that he wants to stay and is figuring it out. This may be selfish but if you do want your marriage to continue, despite the affair, maybe breathing space is a good idea until the dust settles. Just don't let your guard down. I think he also needs to be honest with you about why he feels he can't move back in.

 

I think the fact that you're going away on vacation (and excited about it) is great. Keep enjoying your kids but make the decisions that are best for you.

 

I'm grateful for this message, in the back of my mind this is what he's doing, getting past his feelings I mean and I don't think he'll properly try and reconcile until he either gets a shock and comes to his senses or when he has sorted his feelings out. Unfortunately for me, he's not good st communicating, it's like I'm meant to be a mind reader and because he's certain of his feelings, then I'm meant to trust his judgement, which when given what he's done, is crazy. He's also relying on my love, patience and understanding, to wait for him, he forgets though that while he's been lying for 4 months, I was already being loving, patient and understanding while supposedly giving him space to think.

 

I'm glad of this break, though he's rung me twice at work for things he could've text me about, and to ask me how I slept last night - he slept terribly apparently, and to ask if if I was ok after he left yesterday. I'm worried in case he wants to see me too soon, I don't want to see him at present, I want to be strong and say no, not yet.

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I'm grateful for this message, in the back of my mind this is what he's doing, getting past his feelings I mean and I don't think he'll properly try and reconcile until he either gets a shock and comes to his senses or when he has sorted his feelings out. Unfortunately for me, he's not good st communicating, it's like I'm meant to be a mind reader and because he's certain of his feelings, then I'm meant to trust his judgement, which when given what he's done, is crazy. He's also relying on my love, patience and understanding, to wait for him, he forgets though that while he's been lying for 4 months, I was already being loving, patient and understanding while supposedly giving him space to think.

 

I'm glad of this break, though he's rung me twice at work for things he could've text me about, and to ask me how I slept last night - he slept terribly apparently, and to ask if if I was ok after he left yesterday. I'm worried in case he wants to see me too soon, I don't want to see him at present, I want to be strong and say no, not yet.

 

 

Gently....you can't nice him back, and you've shown him you're a willing plan B and willing to take his disrespect.

 

I do hope you begin thinking about "you" rather than thinking about what's in his mind. It's obvious he is purposefully keeping you in limbo but it's not for you're benefit, it's all about his benefit as long as he has two women vying for him.

 

Unless you respect yourself, don't expect him to respect you.

 

Take a step back and give yourself the advice you'd give to a daughter or best friend in this situation.

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Gently....you can't nice him back, and you've shown him you're a willing plan B and willing to take his disrespect.

 

I do hope you begin thinking about "you" rather than thinking about what's in his mind. It's obvious he is purposefully keeping you in limbo but it's not for you're benefit, it's all about his benefit as long as he has two women vying for him.

 

Unless you respect yourself, don't expect him to respect you.

 

Take a step back and give yourself the advice you'd give to a daughter or best friend in this situation.

 

I am, for the first time in months.

 

He's been told I need a break not seeing him. I've told him that he can see the children 11/13 by taking them out or if he pops up at the weekend for a few hours, I'll be going out. I want to show him that I'm making efforts not to see him. I'm based in the UK and I've just booked a holiday to a beach resort in turkey for a week in 3 weeks time.

 

I knew I'd get to this point and I really don't know what the outcome will be. It's taken me 4-5 months and a lot of heartache to get here but it's something I knew I'd do in my own time however foolish this may seem to others. I've taken quite a character battering on various websites but when making any big decision you have to be ready to accept the consequences of your actions, whether you're the WS or the BS X

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Please be warned, I'm going to take a somewhat cynical view.

 

When we did have it, he wasn't as interested in penetrative sex, nor full sex inside me, nor kissing, just pecks, no passion.

 

Is it possible he's trying to shield you from a STD? Wouldn't be the first WS to have caught one.

 

I suppose it wasn't strictly true when I say I don't check his location, I do if I was suspect of an evening. He hasn't seen her, I know for sure.

 

Actually you're checking his phone's location. Not the same as knowing his location, he could easily have a 2nd "burner" phone.

 

Hate to be a pessimist (more of a realist, actually) but you need to be thinking about the kinds of things he's proven himself to be capable of. Sorry you're in this position...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My advice to you would be to stop tying your mind in knots trying to understand why he is doing what he is doing.

 

The reasons don't matter. He has made it clear that he doesn't value your feelings enough to treat you with simple human decency. You owe him exactly what he has shown you. Time to start putting yourself and your children first. If he calls to ask how you are doing, tell him fine, but it really is none of his business anymore, as you are no longer a couple. If you go out somewhere, he doesn't need to know where, and ask him to change whatever the password might be for the locate feature on his phone, as again, you are no longer a couple.Don't rush to answer his calls, don;t send texts unless they are related to your children. if he wants to see them, he can take them out, as your home is no longer his home.

 

Begin the process of detaching. I know it's hard to do, and your heart is in pieces. Don't do it to show him what life will be like without you in it, but do it for yourself to show yourself that you can exist without him. If he decides he wants to be back in the marriage, then you can make your choice then. For now, proceed as if your marriage is over, as for all intents and purposes, it is.

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My advice to you would be to stop tying your mind in knots trying to understand why he is doing what he is doing.

 

The reasons don't matter. He has made it clear that he doesn't value your feelings enough to treat you with simple human decency. You owe him exactly what he has shown you. Time to start putting yourself and your children first. If he calls to ask how you are doing, tell him fine, but it really is none of his business anymore, as you are no longer a couple. If you go out somewhere, he doesn't need to know where, and ask him to change whatever the password might be for the locate feature on his phone, as again, you are no longer a couple.Don't rush to answer his calls, don;t send texts unless they are related to your children. if he wants to see them, he can take them out, as your home is no longer his home.

 

Begin the process of detaching. I know it's hard to do, and your heart is in pieces. Don't do it to show him what life will be like without you in it, but do it for yourself to show yourself that you can exist without him. If he decides he wants to be back in the marriage, then you can make your choice then. For now, proceed as if your marriage is over, as for all intents and purposes, it is.

 

I am beginning the process of detaching, asking for a break etc, he's still sending me little texts about random things and a couple of calls but that's fine, slowly but surely, so long as I don't see him.

 

Booked a holiday this week, got a pay rise at work yesterday, these things lift my mood although I feel relatively positive a lot of the time. Just a few triggers here and there that bring me down.

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