Trying to make it work with alcoholic husband after my affair

[Xanthia]

Hello everyone - I'm new to the forum and in a difficult situation. Am hoping that some of you may have experienced something similar or have some guidance. Sorry in advance for the length...

 

My husband and I have been together for over 13 years and dated on and off for another four before that. The relationship has never been a lukewarm one; it's always been passionate and up and down. We have a lot bonding us together, but neither of us are very easy people to be in a relationship with and it has been a struggle at times. In recent years this has got more difficult as he has developed a drinking problem (stemming from issues in his past and with his family) - it was about two years ago that I accepted he was an alcoholic, and although he knew this deep down too he clearly didn't want to address it.

 

At the beginning of last year we were going through a pretty terrible patch and it got to the point where I felt I had to detach from him emotionally for my own sanity. At the time I had a male friend at work (we no longer work together) who I had a lot of fun with, who made me laugh etc... you see where this is going. He became more flirtatious and gradually we started an affair. I have never been unfaithful before and in fact used to be extremely scathing about people who cheated - my husband cheated on me a long time ago, before we were in a serious relationship, but even so it hurt me a lot at the time. The only way I can explain it is that I felt as if I was married to a zombie. He was drunk almost every night, we had little or no interaction, our sex life - which had always been good - dried up, we weren't even sleeping in the same bed. I was essentially clinging on for the sake of our daughter and also felt very guilty about the idea of leaving him. He has no income, no supportive family or anything like that. I am responsible financially and would be ok in a practical sense if we split up, but I can't say the same for him.

 

With my affair partner everything was easy, fun and lovely. Obviously, the relationship wasn't subject to the usual pressures so it wasn't hard for it to be this way, but I've never felt so relaxed and calm with someone in my life. It continued for about six months before we decided it had to end, around this time last year. It was a difficult and painful decision as the affair had become more emotional than we'd anticipated and we were in love, but ultimately he felt he had to move on with his life (he was single, eight years younger than me and had never had a serious relationship) and at the time I didn't seriously believe I was going to end my marriage.

 

Things with my husband deteriorated over the next couple of months. He was hospitalised over his alcoholism and although he briefly stopped drinking afterwards it didn't last. Last September I finally told him I was leaving. It gave him a big wake-up call and he convinced me to give the marriage another chance, telling me he would stop drinking. I agreed, and told him about the affair as I felt I had to be honest if we had any chance. He had already suspected it and was very understanding - in retrospect I think he was so grateful at me giving the marriage another shot that he suppressed his feelings about the affair somewhat. The next few months were very strange...my husband stopped drinking completely and became a different person, exactly the person I had wanted him to be for so long. At the same time, though, I hadn't been able to bring myself to cut contact with my affair partner and we were trying to be friends. He seemed to manage this much better than I did - I don't think he was entirely over our relationship but he is a determined character and had decided this is the way it had to be. I wasn't really fully committing to the marriage because emotionally I still had a foot in another camp. My husband found out I was still in touch with him and ended up sending him an angry message shortly after Christmas, which resulted in the other man cutting me off and saying we had to break contact for good.

 

Since then things have not been great. My husband has started drinking again - it's happened gradually but it's now at a point where he is back drinking heavily once or twice a week. I am at breaking point and have repeatedly told him so. He is trying hard...he goes to AA, does the right things, but it just doesn't seem to stick. I have had no contact with my affair partner for almost seven months, but today we exchanged emails for the first time since New Year's Eve. I had been feeling so miserable and have really struggled with the idea that someone who seemed to care about so much could have cut me off in such a brutal way, and I suppose I was looking for closure...but I don't think I would have contacted him if things with my husband were good.

 

Inevitably, the contact has stirred my feelings up again. He has a new girlfriend now and I can't help feeling jealous and unhappy. We ended the conversation by saying that maybe there doesn't have to be an absolute ban on contact and that maybe we could even meet up in the future, but when I look at this rationally I can't see that being in touch is a great idea on any level. I don't know why I can't seem to let him go. The seven month break has done very little to get rid of my feelings for him, even though I know he has moved on romantically.

 

I feel completely helpless when it comes to my husband. I love him, but trying to be strong with an alcoholic partner is incredibly difficult. He is a good father to our daughter but I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life this way. i want to make it work and the idea of being without him is devastating, but equally I keep thinking that surely I wouldn't still feel this pull back towards my affair partner if there wasn't a serious problem. I'm not worried about him trying to reignite the affair - he would never go there, he's incredibly stubborn and also (ironically) I don't think he would ever cheat on a partner - but my feelings are very conflicted. I just feel like I'm hanging out for a change that isn't coming with my husband and I don't know what to do. I have got to the point of saying I will leave so many times, and then he pulls it back and makes an effort and I see how it could be, and that hope keeps me staying. I am kicking myself that I didn't open myself up to the marriage more fully in the three months he stayed completely sober and his behaviour was irreproachable, but I just wasn't ready for it.

 

Thanks to anyone who gets to the end of this. I know I have acted wrongly and that an affair is never the right way forward in a relationship. But it worries me that I don't feel as guilty as I should about the contact today and that maybe I'm starting to detach again. I want to make it work but I don't know how.

[standtall]

It don't sound like your trying to make it work. Your still talking to the OM, and if the OM had not dumped you, odds are you would still be in the affair. You husband obviously has an issue, but you made vows to stick with him...which includes helping him with the drinking. Ask yourself honestly..have you given your marriage your A game? I would say no. Do him a favor...help him or leave.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Thanks to anyone who gets to the end of this. I know I have acted wrongly and that an affair is never the right way forward in a relationship. But it worries me that I don't feel as guilty as I should about the contact today and that maybe I'm starting to detach again. I want to make it work but I don't know how.

 

Have you gone to AL-Anon? I strongly suggest you do. They meet like AA - it is for family and friends of alcoholics. They can help you more than the posters here probably can. I feel your affair is secondary to the issue, your H's drinking - which you cannot control and are not responsible for. I saw someone posted that you need to help him quit drinking. You can no more help someone quit drinking than you can help someone lose weight.

[DKT3]

It don't sound like your trying to make it work. Your still talking to the OM, and if the OM had not dumped you, odds are you would still be in the affair. You husband obviously has an issue, but you made vows to stick with him...which includes helping him with the drinking. Ask yourself honestly..have you given your marriage your A game? I would say no. Do him a favor...help him or leave.

 

Amazing how that works in the minds of wayward spouses. I'm trying......oh yeah I'm still talking to my affair partner becausemy spouse us horrible.

 

Ok your going through the motions, had you been serious then NC with the ap would have been maintained and who knows where your marriage would be...you say it was only after your husband found out you were still I the affair that he fell off the wagon...just a thought.

[DKT3]

Have you gone to AL-Anon? I strongly suggest you do. They meet like AA - it is for family and friends of alcoholics. They can help you more than the posters here probably can. I feel your affair is secondary to the issue, your H's drinking - which you cannot control and are not responsible for. I saw someone posted that you need to help him quit drinking. You can no more help someone quit drinking than you can help someone lose weight.

Or cause them to have an affair

[MidnightBlue1980]

Or cause them to have an affair

 

This is true. We are all responsible for our own choices.

 

I will say though, alcoholism is a disease. I am very aware she is going to get bashed for the affair but I still think Al-Anon would be appropriate.

[DKT3]

This is true. We are all responsible for our own choices.

 

I will say though, alcoholism is a disease. I am very aware she is going to get bashed for the affair but I still think Al-Anon would be appropriate.

 

They are two different issues. Op spent most of her initial post describing her husband's drinking problem and piggybacking it as the reason behind her affair.

 

She isn't responsible for his drinking which in turn isn't the reason she is having an affair.

[standtall]

 

She isn't responsible for his drinking which in turn isn't the reason she is having an affair.

 

Nice attempt at Boolean logic there, but that is not sequitur.

[harrybrown]

You were hurt when he cheated.

 

Some of my former friends have committed suicide upon finding out that the WW continued her A.

 

No wonder he is drinking, life is hell but when your trusted spouse continues to cheat on you, what do you have to live for?

 

Your OM is not a wonderful person that you make him out to be.

 

Both of you are cheaters.

 

Good luck to your child.

[Poppyolive]

I this relationship is toxic to you both. My advice would be to leave. Your foot is already out the door, your husband made changes to make things work, and you didn't. Leave your husband to fight his demons and get life on track and continue to be a great father. Perhaps you will both find happiness elsewhere. This marriage has lost trust, love, support, passion. .. tell me, what is there? Your kid doesn't need to be in the centre of this toxic mess.

[Xanthia]

I want to make it clear that I am not still cheating on him. I have sent an email after seven months of NC and don't intend to contact the other man again. Waking up this morning I realise it was stupid and pointless. It isn't going anywhere.

 

I think I was clear in my first post that I realise there is no excuse for an affair and I don't blame my husband's drinking for it. The reason I focused on it so much in my post is that it is the dominant factor in the situation I am currently in. I cannot stop him drinking though God knows I've tried.

 

I do feel partially responsible for him falling off the wagon, but in the past seven months I have done everything I can to help rebuild things and I have not been half hearted about it. The contact yesterday was a symptom of my unhappiness. I don't even want to be with this other man any more.

 

I thought this was a supportive forum but maybe I have got the wrong idea. I'm not looking to be exonerated, I know what I did was wrong, but that doesn't mean I am not in a very difficult situation.

[Marc878]

If he's an alcoholic he can't drink at all. Unless he can go no contact with alcohol you're fighting a losing battle. I'd give him a final wake up call. Quit drinking completely or you're out. He has to fix himself you can't. Don't waste your life here.

 

Just like your affair if you have contact with your AP the affair will continue. An affair is an addiction get around your source and you'll relapse. It's very similar to an alcoholic. You both need to establish boundaries. Block other man on everything.

 

Good luck

[Xanthia]

If he's an alcoholic he can't drink at all. Unless he can go no contact with alcohol you're fighting a losing battle. I'd give him a final wake up call. Quit drinking completely or you're out. He has to fix himself you can't. Don't waste your life here.

 

Just like your affair if you have contact with your AP the affair will continue. An affair is an addiction get around your source and you'll relapse. It's very similar to an alcoholic. You both need to establish boundaries. Block other man on everything.

 

Good luck

 

I think you are right about all that. I hadn't really thought of it like that before but there is definitely an addictive element. And just like my husband's drinking, the contact hasn't made me happy, it's just stirred things up and now I feel like ****. There isn't much left to block him on! - but I will do what remains.

 

Reading over the other replies again I feel really upset because clearly I haven't communicated the situation too well. To say that there is no love, support or passion left in the relationship is wildly inaccurate. We are both fallible but we have both been trying hard and want to make it work. It may not sound like it, but we provide a loving environment for our daughter and she is settled and happy...she is not living in a "toxic mess". Part of the reason i posted is that I am very aware I need to keep an eye on whether the balance is shifting and this is no longer a healthy place for her to be - I don't think we've reached that point yet or I wouldn't still be here.

 

I have to say that my husband was an alcoholic long before I had the affair and that is not what is at the root of his issues. He claims that he has made his peace with the affair and that there are many other things he is more upset about. Whilst i don't necessarily take this at face value, I do believe that in his eyes it's the least of his worries right now. That doesn't mean that I don't realise that I can't continue to be in contact with the other man. I know I can't and like I say, this blip has been a negative thing and I don't want to do it again.

 

I've had a talk with my husband this morning and have said that if he drinks again before the end of the month then we have to separate. It's only eight days but at least it would show me it was possible. I'm also applying the same rule to myself. If I'm in contact with the other man again I will take it as a sign that I don't really want to make this marriage work. I truly believe that I do and I am hoping we can.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Xanthia

[Marc878]

Alcoholism is very debilitating and can have a devastating effect on children.

 

If he doesn't stop his Heath, etc will get worse. To put it bluntly there is nothing worse than living with a drunk. If you drink you need to stop. Get all of it out of the house. If it's around he'll drink it. Zero!!!!

 

If you stay married to an alcoholic you should never drink either. Like I said if you put an addict around the source you'll get a relapse.

 

An affair high releases chemicals into the brain so it's much the same effect. Think back at the withdrawal of not having contact with your AP. It hurt didn't it.

Why? Because an affair is an addiction. Very similar. That's why it has to be a permant no contact for life.

 

Read up, know and understand what you both are facing.

 

You can both do this but you can't have a source around anywhere. Ever.

[Xanthia]

I drink occasionally out with friends but never at home. It's not a big thing for me so at least that's one thing that is not a problem.

 

I've just blocked the other man on Facebook which was the only site I could still see anything about him on. Have blocked his new girlfriend too. Now I won't be able to feed it that way by seeing any pictures of them. It is hard but you're right there can't be any middle ground. I see that now.

[NewLeaf512]

I drink occasionally out with friends but never at home. It's not a big thing for me so at least that's one thing that is not a problem.

 

I've just blocked the other man on Facebook which was the only site I could still see anything about him on. Have blocked his new girlfriend too. Now I won't be able to feed it that way by seeing any pictures of them. It is hard but you're right there can't be any middle ground. I see that now.

 

Being involved with an active alcoholic or drug addict is never going to work for anyone. Sobriety or leave.

[standtall]

X...I'm with the other posters..you need to stop drinking as well. By the way it sounds, it is clear you have not upheld your vows to be with him in sickness and in health....and i don't mean just with the affair. I mean the support that you have not been giving him to help him with the drinking....it's just ultimatums that he most likely will fail without help form his BFF, bestie,,whatever you want to call what you're supposed to be to him. You need to to step up your game.

[Xanthia]

What support with his drinking do you think I should be giving that I haven't? I encourage him to go to AA. I read the Daily Reflections book with him every morning. I have frequent and lengthy conversations with him about his state of mind and how I can help him. I resent the suggestion that I haven't been supporting him in it over the past few months, because I have tried my best.

 

My drinking consists of the odd drink out at the pub with friends when he is not there. He has no issue with this (I have asked him several times). I have literally never bought alcohol to drink at home in my life, even before his drinking was a problem. Sure, I can give up my odd glass out in the evenings. I really don't think this is the answer to all my prayers though. In fact, I can't see that it will make any difference at all.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding defensive, but I'm really not sure what else I can be doing at this stage. The email contact I had with OM yesterday is literally the only occasion I have stepped out of line since the beginning of the year, and I won't be repeating it. It worries me that I felt the desire to do it at all, but I have to take it as a warning sign and a wake-up call.

[Xanthia]

Being involved with an active alcoholic or drug addict is never going to work for anyone. Sobriety or leave.

 

I agree with this but how long do I give it? It feels unrealistic to expect him to snap his fingers and walk away from an addiction just like that. But this has been going on up and down for a long time. Overall, the trajectory is towards it getting better, but it is slow progress and I have no idea where to draw the line.

[standtall]

I resent the suggestion that I haven't been supporting him in it over the past few months, because I have tried my best.

 

.

 

Hey, I'm just going by your original post and rest of your responses. Big excuses yada yada to justify the affair..basically blaming it on your husband, and then side notes of what great support you've given your husband. You didn't say anything about your daily affirmation readings until just now, and encouraging him to go to AA and nothing else, is saying " okay your own your own there". Did you at least give him a ride?

 

And then there is

I'm also applying the same rule to myself. If I'm in contact with the other man again I will take it as a sign that I don't really want to make this marriage work.

Unrepentant cheating.....Just wow! If that is your attitude on an anonymous forum, I am sure he picks it up too. With that looming over him, he is going to fail. I'm not one to typically bash cheaters, but what you did by far outweighs his alcoholism as far as sins to each other...one is a disease..the other is a betrayal...hence my lack of sympathy.

[Xanthia]

I'm wondering if something about my situation is pushing your buttons on a personal level, because I think some of the things you're saying are really unfair. Encouraging someone to go to AA is absolutely NOT saying "you're on your own there". I can't exactly go with him, nor would he want me to! What else am I supposed to do?! I'm afraid we don't have a car so I can't give him a ride... but if you have any genuine suggestions of how else I could be helping him in a practical sense then I'm happy to hear them. As I said, we already talk frequently about his drinking and the underlying issues.

 

As for your second paragraph, you've totally twisted what I said. In no way did I suggest that I would be unrepentant if I contacted the other man again - I meant that it would make me face up to the fact that I wasn't really able to be wholeheartedly in this marriage, and hence would think it was time to end it for his sake as much as my own. It's a sanction I'm applying to myself. I don't want to contact him again, and am trying to impress the seriousness of doing so on myself. What is wrong with that?

 

For the third time, I'm not blaming my husband for my affair. I hold him at least partially responsible for a lot of the difficulties that have happened in our relationship over the past few years, but not that. No one made me do it. But the simple fact of the matter is that we are in a very, very different situation from one in which, for instance, a partner gets bored and casts round for a bit of excitement outside the marriage. The main difference being that even when the affair is over and contact is 100% stopped for good, a fundamental separate problem still remains. What I'm trying to work out is how best to deal with it. Like it or not, living with an alcoholic also causes an immense amount of hurt and stress. I'm not interested in playing a one-upmanship game of whether it's better or worse than being cheated on. I'm sure opinions would vary wildly depending on personal experience. But when there is hurt on both sides, regardless of how you like to measure it, it makes things a lot harder. Many couples would have given up long ago, but we do love each other and want to try and make it work.

[Xanthia]

P.S. I just read my first post on the thread again and I think maybe I didn't say as much as I should have done about taking responsibility for the affair and realising it was wrong. I do feel this way. If I didn't, I wouldn't have owned up to it in the first place. Sorry if I seemed unrepentant - it's not the case at all.

[Cephalopod]

I can see you are in a hard place, but understand and remember that it was not your husband's alcoholism that drove you into the arms of another man. Your choice to have an affair and your husband's drinking issues are completely separate items. If I may be so bold, your affair was a result of your own poor coping skills and lack of boundaries. You chose to take successively descending actions that landed you in your affair. You could have stopped at many points along the way, but as soon as you allowed one boundary to fall, the successive barriers toppled relatively quickly as you allowed yourself to wade into this extramarital relationship.

 

There are millions of alcoholics all over the world, many of them married, and married to them are millions of spouses who have chosen not to cheat, but instead have chosen to deal with their suffering marriages in other more constructive ways.

 

I'm not saying this to condemn you. I am saying you you need to get into very intensive counseling if you have not already done so, with a pro marriage counselor, who can hold you accountable and make you do the hard work to understand your motivations for seeking an affair instead of divorcing your husband or looking for other alternatives to dealing with your husband's disfunction.

 

If you do not do this you will fall back on the same bad coping skills again, and you will cheat again, on your husband or your future partner.

[DKT3]

P.S. I just read my first post on the thread again and I think maybe I didn't say as much as I should have done about taking responsibility for the affair and realising it was wrong. I do feel this way. If I didn't, I wouldn't have owned up to it in the first place. Sorry if I seemed unrepentant - it's not the case at all.

 

X, the people who post here has unbelievable BS meters. When a wayward spouse comes on and post so much about the issues their spouse has created in the marriage then basically says "and I had an affair BTW" it translates to if he hadn't created these issues I would have been faithful. Which honestly is how your stuff comes across.

 

Problem is, you say your husband was clean and you still restarted the affair.

 

Now your saying if YOU engage with om again then it proves YOU aren't committed to the marriage or your husband. No it proves that you are not committed to doing better, or being better. Also, taking away from your responsibility for your own actions.

 

I think you feel we (LS members) aren't supportive because for so long you've felt justified in you actions and thought process, now we are saying we don't agree. That is hard to accept, many of us, myself included struggle with that when we start posting.

 

As I said your cheating and his drinking are two separate issues and can't be lumped together. One didn't cause the other. Can you honestly say you haven't or didn't at some point convince yourself that you did what you did because of his drinking.....or use it to justify. It's coming through your writing that you did and still do.

Edited July 24, 2016 by DKT3

[standtall]

Well x...where do I start.

 

First, I stand by my last post. No one here is picking on you..just because you don't like the message doesn't mean were being mean. You repeatedly down played your affair in every post. You have not painted yourself in a very favorable light. Here is just a few of your own words...I tried to include more to keep them in context.

 

my husband cheated on me a long time ago, before we were in a serious relationship, but even so it hurt me a lot at the time

 

If he "cheated" before your serious, it doesn't really qualify as cheating now does it? You cheated after you took marriage vows and signed a legal contract...not exactly comparing apples to apples..,still it helped you justify your affair.

 

This part is a gem

. The next few months were very strange...my husband stopped drinking completely and became a different person, exactly the person I had wanted him to be for so long. At the same time, though, I hadn't been able to bring myself to cut contact with my affair partner and we were trying to be friends. He seemed to manage this much better than I did - I don't think he was entirely over our relationship but he is a determined character and had decided this is the way it had to be. I wasn't really fully committing to the marriage because emotionally I still had a foot in another camp. My husband found out I was still in touch with him and ended up sending him an angry message shortly after Christmas, which resulted in the other man cutting me off and saying we had to break contact for good.

 

It doesn't seem like what your BH did was good enough. Your betrayal most likely helped kick start the drinking again. Heck you would have continue on if your AP didn't kick you to the curb. The only reason your didn't get it going again with your latest feeler email is because your former AP most likely shut you down because he has a girlfriend. Unrepentant and betrayal at it's finest.

 

This part is a nightmare, it sums up the whole thing

 

I'm also applying the same rule to myself. If I'm in contact with the other man again I will take it as a sign that I don't really want to make this marriage work. I truly believe that I do and I am hoping we can.

 

It basically says you have a backup plan and you are completely unrepentant about your affair...this is your own words. You can cannot believe how you sound.

 

Second, as far as striking a nerve personally, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am not a BS nor a WH. My wife and I are completely dedicated, and in love with each other after 20ys of our only marriage where we put ourselves first before our 3 children that have grown to be happy and successful...[the youngest is still in the house at 14, 17 yr old is home from college on an athletic scholarship, 19 yr old home for the summer from college]. I think I'm pretty calm with this one. Heck normally I stick up for the WS because most of them are truly trying to fix it. Your are not. If your gonna downplay your affair you should have posted this on the OM/OW forum...really.

 

Last, this is a great forum for help. But you gotta help yourself first by being honest with yourself. This place is a rich tapestry of many different voices that are seldom the same. You asked for advice and opinions, then you got them. Your not going to like them all.

 

If you want some advice..here

 

1. Accept blame for betraying your husband. Every time you mention it, there is always a but. He did not betray you, he is in need of your help.

2. Attend al-anon as the othe posters have suggested.

3. You both need IC and MC. You should have been in MC a long time ago.

4. Get rid of your AP...this means NC for good. Not stalking, emails, drive bys, etc., and stop making backup plans with him. If you divorce, do it to be on your own..

5, I have never written a response this long...I'm going to soak up the blood from my fingers from 2 finger typing for 30 minutes.

Good luck.

Edited July 25, 2016 by standtall