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So, let me start by saying I've already spoken to two attorneys and received all different information. My boyfriend and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children. When we bought the house 15 years ago, he refused to put me on the mortgage, it was a fight, I let it go because I was young and stupid. Our last child was unexpected and because I wouldn't abort him, he resented me. I have taken full responsibility for the baby, doing everything, including being a stay at home mom since he was born. I don't want to get into all that obviously there is much to say about all. I'm trying to give a quick story to get to the present. I found out he is cheating. He has been extra affectionate to me and the kids.

My concern is the fact I have no home and no job. I have been told by one attorney I will lose my kids. I would die.

I have been told I shouldn't let him know that I know he's cheating until I have a job and place to live. Problem is I'm sick......I can't take it. I'm having a really hard time dealing day to day, snapping at my kids, feeling nauseous every second, can't sleep, can't eat. I'm devastated that my family will be destroyed. It kills me my super happy, content kids will be damaged.

I feel terrible about myself, constantly looking in the mirror with disgust.....how can he choose her over us?? I know it's him, not us. These are just a small example of the millions of thoughts a day.

And to sit by and watch him see her and not be able to say anything...how?

 

Also...I know without photographic evidence he will deny everything and say they are just friends. How hard it is to get a photo....how long will that take? I know for a fact that is not the case but wouldn't want to say how because he'd get very angry.....which I don't want because I'm hoping to stay civil and not cause a custody war.

Sorry this is a bunch of jarbled bits....just wanted to get some down quick.

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WhatYouWantToHear

You want a logical, well reasoned response or you want people to commisserate with you? I can do the first one, but not the second. So stop reading if you don't want practical advice and a kick in the pants:

 

If splitting up will cause all these horrible things--then why split up? Also, quit externalizing this: He isn't breaking up your family, he is doing something that makes you want to break up. You are the one thinking of breaking this thing up. Sounds like he is content on getting a piece on the side.

 

If all these horrible things will happen to your kids if you split up, then why not stay together? If you are correct and all these things will happen to your kids, then you are the one being selfish by thinking of taking actions that in turn will make those things happen.

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You want a logical, well reasoned response or you want people to commisserate with you? I can do the first one, but not the second. So stop reading if you don't want practical advice and a kick in the pants:

 

If splitting up will cause all these horrible things--then why split up? Also, quit externalizing this: He isn't breaking up your family, he is doing something that makes you want to break up. You are the one thinking of breaking this thing up. Sounds like he is content on getting a piece on the side.

 

If all these horrible things will happen to your kids if you split up, then why not stay together? If you are correct and all these things will happen to your kids, then you are the one being selfish by thinking of taking actions that in turn will make those things happen.

 

What :confused: ???

 

My friend, that is some circuitous reasoning. So that the OP doesn't have to feel guilty about breaking her family up, what transgressions besides infidelity should she overlook? Child porn? Abuse? Talk about blaming the victim :eek: .

 

Rachelkey, your children need a functioning and emotionally healthy environment to grow up in. Kids are like little sponges, they key into the atmosphere and vibe around them. If the marital air is so toxic it's making you sick, it's affecting them also. Don't wait years longer to address this.

 

I have been told by one attorney I will lose my kids.

 

If you live in the US, not true. See a family law attorney to get a better understanding. Welcome to Loveshack...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ChickiePops

Rachel, how did you find out that he's cheating? If you have proof then why can't you just show it to him?

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First let me say I had to write all I could fast so I know things are missing. Mostly I was hoping for insight into the situation if anyone had experienced something similar.

As per the first posted response.....have you ever been cheated on? Do you know how it feels to have the one you love lie to your face over and over and then go out the door to be with someone else. It hurts....over and over. I only have one life and do not want to spend another day feeling like this if I can help it.

I was just expressing my emotion as to how awful it is.

As for how I know, I got into his email but I know if I tell him that's how I found out he would go into a rage and hear nothing else. Without knowing him, I know this sounds ridiculous but it was a sensitive topic many years ago. Instead of feeling bad about being caught he would only focus on being the victim of his privacy invaded. I don't have time to bother with him dwelling on things that really don't matter anymore. I only want to focus on doing what's best for the kids. I can't do that if he storms out of the house in anger and doesn't come home until the next day (his usual way of solving problems).

 

Also, they were family law attorneys......guess I will ask a third.

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Friskyone4u

I do think you need to see another attorney.

 

 

You are the primary care giver and while I am not sure where you live, but I have never heard of a man being able to cheats on his wife, and in the divorce she loses the kids, gets no child support or alimony, especially with you being a SAHM.

 

You are living in a situation that is untenable in the long term for your health and being the great Mom you are.

 

In most places the law actually greatly favors the Moms even if it is the woman who is cheating. I find this legal advice you have gotten to be impossible to believe but I am not an attorney.

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Also, they were family law attorneys......guess I will ask a third.

 

I'd guess you have friends that have been divorced. Find one that was happy with her attorney and the outcome and start there.

 

First let me say I had to write all I could fast so I know things are missing. Mostly I was hoping for insight into the situation if anyone had experienced something similar.

 

Almost every BS has experienced being called crazy and controlling, the interaction has its own name - gaslighting. Your spouse implies their cheating isn't the problem, it's your paranoia and suspicions that are the real issue.

 

Get your ducks in a row, lots of good advice here on how to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I live in NY. We aren't married and there is no common law here. My main concern though is my kids. I too, was shocked to hear (a supposed top attorney) that without a house or job I would not get them. I get it that I need to support them and i will but it takes some time...especially when you are dealing with something so traumatizing. I can't describe how hard it is to smile and think straight at interviews but I'm doing my best.

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I'm not going to advise you legally or morally but instead from a feminist view.

 

You must not allow yourself to be totally dependent on a man ever. Unless your baby is disabled (in which instance you should be able to qualify for some state benefit) you have put yourself ( and potentially your children) in a situation with no options.

 

What if he says, "I don't want to be with you anymore"?

 

 

Take all of the anger and upset you have internalised or externalised at your children, let it galvanise you, find a babysitter, crèche, or whatever you need for childcare and get the first job you can.

 

You have no fall back position. You have been living with your partner and father of your children for 16 years in a state that gives you no legal standing. You made the decision to accept not being on the mortgage so you aren't even joint tenants in common. You have no legal right to the property. Even if you had a top attorney who could argue it for you it would take a long time and cost a packet (which sounds like it would be an issue).

 

You have handed him everything and control over you and your children's existence and all he would need to pay is child support. That's it. No alimony. Nothing. He doesn't even have to keep you on his medical in New York. Is your car titled in your own name?

 

Darling, become tiger mummy and fierce warrior woman. Get a job on the double and get some savings in the bank in case the worst happens.

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todreaminblue

Do you have the support of family and friends near by...like you i was a common law wife with my ex for over fifteen years got engaged we never married..but i considered myself hsi wife in every sense of the word bar making it justified in front of god...he however....obviously didnt feel the same wAy.......we have three kids together...all grown now and i had two previous children as well..i was a stay at home mum...i also studied....

 

 

....if he isnt married to you.....i dont understand why he could get the kids....

 

me ex had an affair and left us for the affair partner...there is nothing quite like the hurt you feel as a woman and also as a mother when this happens....i relate.....and i empathize....

 

in my case he chose to go....i gave an ultimatum and he chose her.....have you given any ultimatum.....you need to come clean with how you know about it......i dont care what the attorneys told you...or how angry and defensive he gets.....(its because he knows he stuffed up)...you need to be honest with him

 

when i left i moved in with my mum for a while.....could this be an option for you.....as far as money went.....i didnt go the common law wife route and chase his money......or earnings......

 

what has helped my family get through the break up was civility and respect....i had to have six months no contact......before i could deal with it..... in a manner that i knew was right...right by everyone..most importantly the children....what concerns me is that you have not bought this up with him...it isnt in the open.no compromise or even discussion has been had,.......and you arent married to him....what you have to do is think of the kids and realize that bringing it out into the open.....should be a priority...for you ...for him...and definitely for your kids...honestly....your attorneys have not suggested family counselling or couples counselling or explored options fo a possible resolution to keep your family together...

 

it didnt work out for me....but i can tell you.....that i have no regrets about being open and honest stating my feelings and then giving the ultimatum and in those steps, trying to keep my family together...i gave it my best shot.....i am at peace with that..

 

attorneys do not have to have a vested interest in keeping your family together....but by your opening post you do..deb......

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Lois_Griffin
So, let me start by saying I've already spoken to two attorneys and received all different information. My boyfriend and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children. When we bought the house 15 years ago, he refused to put me on the mortgage, it was a fight, I let it go because I was young and stupid. Our last child was unexpected and because I wouldn't abort him, he resented me. I have taken full responsibility for the baby, doing everything, including being a stay at home mom since he was born. I don't want to get into all that obviously there is much to say about all. I'm trying to give a quick story to get to the present. I found out he is cheating. He has been extra affectionate to me and the kids.

My concern is the fact I have no home and no job. I have been told by one attorney I will lose my kids. I would die.

I have been told I shouldn't let him know that I know he's cheating until I have a job and place to live. Problem is I'm sick......I can't take it. I'm having a really hard time dealing day to day, snapping at my kids, feeling nauseous every second, can't sleep, can't eat. I'm devastated that my family will be destroyed. It kills me my super happy, content kids will be damaged.

I feel terrible about myself, constantly looking in the mirror with disgust.....how can he choose her over us?? I know it's him, not us. These are just a small example of the millions of thoughts a day.

And to sit by and watch him see her and not be able to say anything...how?

 

Also...I know without photographic evidence he will deny everything and say they are just friends. How hard it is to get a photo....how long will that take? I know for a fact that is not the case but wouldn't want to say how because he'd get very angry.....which I don't want because I'm hoping to stay civil and not cause a custody war.

Sorry this is a bunch of jarbled bits....just wanted to get some down quick.

Jeez, you really aligned yourself with a selfish POS didn't you? I'll bet he was more than happy to let you help pay the mortgage on HIS house all these years before you had your 3rd baby and made yourself financially dependent on him.

 

Unfortunately, it's a bunch of horrible choices you've made. Marriage would have protected you from being taken advantage of like this. I also find it incredibly hard to believe that no lawyer has been able to find any kind of angle that allows you at least some amount of fiduciary ownership in a house you've helped PAY for for the last 15 years before you left your job.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant again.

 

I find it hard to believe your boyfriend would even WANT full custody of the kids. He doesn't sound like Father of the Year to begin with, so I highly doubt he'd take on all 3 of them - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But considering how selfish he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he fought for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support. It's been ALL about his wallet for him since he met you. I'd also be willing to bet Super Dad would probably drop the kids with his mother every chance he got when it was his turn to do his 50%.

 

He's betrayed you in many ways, not just with his cheating. Starting with giving you NO financial security at ALL while you dedicated your life to him and helped him pay for his house, had his children, cleaned his house and cooked his meals and did his laundry and everything else for him for over the last 16 years.

 

For all that, legally you have NOTHING to show for it.

That's an even bigger betrayal than his cheating. Who is so damned selfish that they literally don't give a rat's ass about financial security for the one they supposedly love and the one whose been right there beside them for 16 years helping them invest in their own home and building a life with them? You've given him 110% and gotten nothing in return, whether you REALIZE it or not.

 

From what you've written, he's blown up in the past about his 'right to privacy.' If you think this is his FIRST rodeo cheating, that would be naive thinking, at best. The fact that he couldn't care LESS how hurt you'd be by his cheating and instead would be more concerned with that privacy issue he keeps harping about, that tells you right there how much you mean to him. But he's already shown you how little he cares for your welfare financially, so it's not a big surprise that he shows it in other ways as well.

 

I'd be making sure to line up all kinds of interviews and would be getting my financial ducks in a row. Get yourself STD tested because you can bet the farm the lying cheater hasn't even THOUGHT about protecting your sexual health. Of that, you can be sure.

 

My best advice is to fake it til you make it. Put that smile on, secure that job, work your way towards financial independence and then make this selfish POS nothing more than a bad memory.

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Jeez, you really aligned yourself with a selfish POS didn't you? I'll bet he was more than happy to let you help pay the mortgage on HIS house all these years before you had your 3rd baby and made yourself financially dependent on him.

 

Unfortunately, it's a bunch of horrible choices you've made. Marriage would have protected you from being taken advantage of like this. I also find it incredibly hard to believe that no lawyer has been able to find any kind of angle that allows you at least some amount of fiduciary ownership in a house you've helped PAY for for the last 15 years before you left your job.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant again.

 

I find it hard to believe your boyfriend would even WANT full custody of the kids. He doesn't sound like Father of the Year to begin with, so I highly doubt he'd take on all 3 of them - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But considering how selfish he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he fought for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support. It's been ALL about his wallet for him since he met you. I'd also be willing to bet Super Dad would probably drop the kids with his mother every chance he got when it was his turn to do his 50%.

 

He's betrayed you in many ways, not just with his cheating. Starting with giving you NO financial security at ALL while you dedicated your life to him and helped him pay for his house, had his children, cleaned his house and cooked his meals and did his laundry and everything else for him for over the last 16 years.

 

For all that, legally you have NOTHING to show for it.

That's an even bigger betrayal than his cheating. Who is so damned selfish that they literally don't give a rat's ass about financial security for the one they supposedly love and the one whose been right there beside them for 16 years helping them invest in their own home and building a life with them? You've given him 110% and gotten nothing in return, whether you REALIZE it or not.

 

From what you've written, he's blown up in the past about his 'right to privacy.' If you think this is his FIRST rodeo cheating, that would be naive thinking, at best. The fact that he couldn't care LESS how hurt you'd be by his cheating and instead would be more concerned with that privacy issue he keeps harping about, that tells you right there how much you mean to him. But he's already shown you how little he cares for your welfare financially, so it's not a big surprise that he shows it in other ways as well.

 

I'd be making sure to line up all kinds of interviews and would be getting my financial ducks in a row. Get yourself STD tested because you can bet the farm the lying cheater hasn't even THOUGHT about protecting your sexual health. Of that, you can be sure.

 

My best advice is to fake it til you make it. Put that smile on, secure that job, work your way towards financial independence and then make this selfish POS nothing more than a bad memory.

 

I agree with most of this, I missed the part of her helping pay for "his" house. This is NY and it's unlikely she has any legal standing.

 

If you can't go to family, go and sign up for welfare while he is at work. They won't take his income into consideration because you're not married. You are simply a baby momma.

 

You need a hug, help and a kick for being so reckless with your own life and the lives of your children.

 

Now is the time to act. Stay quiet for now until you get a safety net in place.

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Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate each one. I have tried to get food stamps but they take his income and I was denied. I still have to buy all the food because he claims he can't afford to. I will continue working hard on getting a job. I know I've made a mess, I was blind because we were "comfortable" and I thought I was doing what was best for my kids keeping the family together.

I didn't worry until he cheated because that is something I can't live with, it makes me sick.

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Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate each one. I have tried to get food stamps but they take his income and I was denied. I still have to buy all the food because he claims he can't afford to. I will continue working hard on getting a job. I know I've made a mess, I was blind because we were "comfortable" and I thought I was doing what was best for my kids keeping the family together.

I didn't worry until he cheated because that is something I can't live with, it makes me sick.

 

When you get to 50 posts you can get private messages.

 

Go back to public assistance and tell them you are estranged from him.

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Lois_Griffin
Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate each one. I have tried to get food stamps but they take his income and I was denied. I still have to buy all the food because he claims he can't afford to. I will continue working hard on getting a job. I know I've made a mess, I was blind because we were "comfortable" and I thought I was doing what was best for my kids keeping the family together.

I didn't worry until he cheated because that is something I can't live with, it makes me sick.

So apply again as a single mother without putting his income on the application. Soon enough, you WILL be a single mother dependent on yourself. The lying cheater's money is going toward HIS investment - his house.

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So apply again as a single mother without putting his income on the application. Soon enough, you WILL be a single mother dependent on yourself. The lying cheater's money is going toward HIS investment - his house.

 

Do NOT take this advice!

 

When applying for state aid, household income must be reported for all members of the household. As long as they share an address, OP is required to report his income on all aid applications. If she doesn't and the worker catches the omission, she will lose any aid she has received, be required to pay back the aid she received, be barred from applying for aid for a specified amount of time, and could actually face fraud charges.

 

I'm afraid the lawyer who said OP could lose custody is correct. Although unmarried, the BF has parental rights. If it goes to court, he has "visible means of support" and is a homeowner who can provide a stable environment. If OP cannot provide the court proof that she can support the children and provide them with a stable environment, she could very well lose.

 

OP, you need to get a job. If you have a friend or relative that has a bedroom for the kids and would allow you to live there, that would help A LOT. Once you are living elsewhere, you can apply for child support and help with childcare expenses, health insurance, etc. And, because you'd be working with a roof over your head, you'd have visible means of support and a stable environment.

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So, let me start by saying I've already spoken to two attorneys and received all different information. My boyfriend and I have been together 16 years and have 3 children. When we bought the house 15 years ago, he refused to put me on the mortgage, it was a fight, I let it go because I was young and stupid. Our last child was unexpected and because I wouldn't abort him, he resented me. I have taken full responsibility for the baby, doing everything, including being a stay at home mom since he was born. I don't want to get into all that obviously there is much to say about all. I'm trying to give a quick story to get to the present. I found out he is cheating. He has been extra affectionate to me and the kids.

 

My concern is the fact I have no home and no job. I have been told by one attorney I will lose my kids. I would die.

 

I have been told I shouldn't let him know that I know he's cheating until I have a job and place to live. Problem is I'm sick......I can't take it. I'm having a really hard time dealing day to day, snapping at my kids, feeling nauseous every second, can't sleep, can't eat. I'm devastated that my family will be destroyed. It kills me my super happy, content kids will be damaged.

I feel terrible about myself, constantly looking in the mirror with disgust.....how can he choose her over us?? I know it's him, not us. These are just a small example of the millions of thoughts a day.

And to sit by and watch him see her and not be able to say anything...how?

 

Also...I know without photographic evidence he will deny everything and say they are just friends. How hard it is to get a photo....how long will that take? I know for a fact that is not the case but wouldn't want to say how because he'd get very angry.....which I don't want because I'm hoping to stay civil and not cause a custody war.

Sorry this is a bunch of jarbled bits....just wanted to get some down quick.

 

Take the focus off of him and get a job and prepare to live alone and provide a home for yourself and your children post-divorce. Take a couple of years if you have to.

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Honestly, you need to put your hurt feelings aside & do what you need to for your kids. Does it suck to be cheated on, yes but feelings are the least of your worries right now. You need to get a job (any job) & start putting all your money away. You need to start gathering all the information that can help you. I don't know if cheating means anything in court if not married but start documenting EVERYTHING! If he's not buying food & your not working, start documenting it, take pictures of receipts, record him saying her won't buy food for the kids. Also if you have no job & or money how are you buying things to begin with?

 

The damage is done but I can't on earth think of why a woman would continue to get pregnant (ultimately, your body your problem) with a man that you knew was a jerk & didn't want more kids? Someone telling you to get an abortion doesn't sound like it's been a comfortable situation, sounds like you're an abused woman that needs major IC. You didn't realize any of what kind of man he was till he started cheating? So it was all comfortable but now bc he stepped out things are a big deal? It was ok to tell you to get an abortion, it was ok for him not to your name on your home, it's ok for him not to buy things for the kids but how dare him cheat? This kind of logic I will never in a million years understand. So it was ok for him to be emotionally abusive in every other way but cheating is over the line & now you're worried about the kids but weren't before?

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He's not the greatest no but I have yet to meet anyone that was perfect and for the most part things were okay. He didn't put me on the mortgage because I guess he didn't feel we were going to work out....I don't know, it's terrible and not something I have even thought about for 15 years.

We had an agreement, he paid all the house stuff, I paid all the kid stuff including groceries and health care. For 14 years this worked, I had a great job making $18/hr. Then while on maternity leave, my position was eliminated. I like to think things happen for a reason. I was happy to be able to have the time with the baby.

The money I'm spending is my savings. I will try my best to just move forward. I'm hurt and it doesn't help he is being extra loving and affectionate.

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Still going, thanks for asking. Went on an interview last week, waiting to hear on that.

Meanwhile I hired a P.I. that will be used this Thursday ;)

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Just a quick update. The P.I. worked. I got a video of them sucking face, it is grotesque. They haven't slept together yet but she is trying to get him to so it won't be long :(

D day will be happening before their next encounter.....I'm terrified.

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Pictures and PI's and all of that are to prove to YOU that he is cheating. He already knows what he is doing so I don't know that all of your "proof" will really amount to much.

 

You hooked up with a bad guy. You allowed yourself to be used as a housekeeper and nanny for kids he likely didn't even want in the first place.

 

An earlier poster said it accurately, you aren't going to lose the kids because he won't want them.

 

You got into this predicament by slacking and coasting and settling. Now you are going to have to straighten up and fly right and start doing the right things.

 

You need to get a job. You need to get some kind of education/training so you can obtain a sustainable career with enough income to support yourself and your kids, and you are going have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your children.

 

Then when you have accomplished that, you need to do some soul-searching and perhaps some professional therapy to figure out why you have such low self-esteem and such a low sense of self-worth that you allowed yourself to get into this situation.

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Additionally, at this point I don't know if you even should confront him or disclose that you know about this other chick. I don't see what good it will do.

 

He is a bad man and has probably been screwing lots of chicks all along. He just happened to not keep this one covered up well.

 

My advice is stay in the house, keep your mouth shut, maintain the appearance of business as usual while getting job training, finding a dependable and sustainable occupation, making an exit strategy and start planning out the rest of your life leaving him behind.

 

All of that is not going to happen over night.

 

He's used and exploited you for a decade and a half. I see no reason not to live off his dime and under his roof while you get yourself prepared to be self sufficient.

 

Quite frankly your biggest risk here is that he could decide to take up with the OW fulltime and kick you to the curb at any moment and you will be out on the street with the clothes on your back and 3 kids to feed, so you better start acting fast.

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Still going, thanks for asking. Went on an interview last week, waiting to hear on that.

Meanwhile I hired a P.I. that will be used this Thursday ;)

 

Rachel I am unclear on why you needed a PI. There was no doubt he was cheating. There is no use for the photo of them kissing. You now have spent money that you could have been using to get you and the kids out of there. This makes no sense to me.

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